Boy wants Girl

I took a pebble

From your garden

To skim across the pond,

And as it skimmed

I made a wish

That we’d grow old as one.

 

I made your hands

From plastercine

And held them in my own

When I closed

My eyes at night

So I didn’t feel alone.

 

Reviews

[Legion]

I like what you have here (excep the "as on" at the end of that first stanza - a bit to forced rhyme for my taste). The imagery is splendid. I especially like the idea of wishing on a skipping rock. I think you could actually do more with this though. Much more. Don't count it off as finished yet. I think this will come back at you at another time. Good work.

[Anjali]

Aww... So sweet and so interesting! I liked it a lot. It's so good. Keep writing!

[Raef C. Boylan]

I know 'nice' is a lame word, but this is nice.
Soothing in its open simplicity.
You did a great job with the rhyme scheme; both stanzas flow well.
It feels both innocent and somber at the same time.

Excellent work.

p.s. I'm not sure but I think it's spelt 'Plasticine'.

[Luther]

thanks for the review. haha, yeah, it does seem forced. i meant to write 'as one', is that a bit better?
thanks, i agree with what you have said
very onstructive, i like that
xxx