Accept me as I am

How two sisters decide they have to be accepted as they are no matter what.

 

 

ACCEPT ME AS I AM

 

The large red brick house stood on a slight rise on the main road outside the village of Mallowfield in the West Country. The drive up to the front door was shingled, which made for easy parking in all weathers. The house had two floors and long, narrow windows with white frames. The front door was shiny black. Flowerbeds bordered the walls and below the ground floor windows. The scene was idyllic, and to the passer-by gave the impression that nothing that took place inside the house, however bad, could turn out to be downright serious. The house was old, and although not a stately home, was only just a breath away from being one. It would be hard to imagine that inside that beautiful exterior, turmoil reigned. The family that resided in the lovely house was small, there were two daughters and a mother and father. Even in such a large house they were not able to escape from each other.

  The atmosphere in the house was stultifying for the two daughters, Tilly and Mela. Their parents Thornton, their father, and Hilary, their mother, were too strict, and cast in the old-fashioned mould of having to do as you are told. Every day Thornton drove to his business centre which was in a larger town. His day was spent away from the family, and so they functioned, but on his return at seven thirty p.m., he went from ruling the roost at work, to behaving the same at home. Hilary used to say to her daughters, “Make sure not to annoy your father when he comes home. He works very hard to maintain us.”

These words fell on deaf ears as far as the two sisters were concerned. There were other issues. Hilary chose their clothes, and this aggravated both the sisters. Whenever they wanted something more like their friends, they always got the same answer, “You can choose your clothes when you are paying for them.” This was another one of Hilary’s replies that could not be argued with.

 

Tilly and Mela were teenagers when they started making plans for lives of their own. Tilly was two years older than Mela, and desperate to go as far away as she could from the house. The cracks didn’t show in the structure of the building, but in the fragile relationships of the residents.

 

Tilly enrolled in as many extra-curricular courses as she could find. At school, ballet classes were given during the lunch hour for those who were interested. Tilly liked dancing and never missed a class. At the age of eighteen, instead of heading for university, Tilly got herself a job on a cruise ship as a dancer.

 

Thornton nearly exploded on hearing the news, “Do you mean to tell me that after all the money I’ve spent on your education, you’re going off to work as a dancer! I don’t believe it. What’s the matter with you?”

“Dad, accept me as I am. You have never asked me what I wanted to do on leaving school, only assumed I wanted to work with you. Well, I don’t. I want to be the master of my own fate. That’s why I never said anything to you about my secret desires and ambitions.”

Thornton sat back in his chair and sighed deeply, seeing his elder daughter as a young woman instead of a little girl. “Do you need any money to tide you over until you get paid. I presume you’ve been given a contract.”

“Yes, I have. The cruise company has given me a contract for all the cruises on the same ship for the season beginning in January. Till then, I’ll be rehearsing numbers with my companions. So, I’ll not be around very much. As soon as Christmas is over, I’ll be off on my first cruise, which is for two months in the Caribbean.”

Thornton said, “Have you informed your mother of your imminent departure for foreign parts?”

“Yes, but not the bit about going just after Christmas. I wasn’t so sure of the dates myself till a few days ago. Anyway, she won’t mind, will she?” Tilly replied, not really caring either way what her parents thought. There was only one thought on her mind, and that was to be accepted for herself, whatever that was, and to be happy and get out from under her father’s controlling character as well as she could.

Hilary was sad about her first child leaving home, but soon she had to accept the fact that Tilly was an adult and that she could no longer impose all the rules on her, as she had done when both Tilly and Mela were young.

 

Mela was envious of Tilly’s leaving, but happy for her too. The main problem for herself that Mela could see, was that after Tilly had gone away, their parents would be more demanding of her.

 

That Christmas, when the four were together, was never to be forgotten by either Hilary or Mela. Thornton only hoped that Tilly would do the best she could in the job and not let herself down, which meant letting him down.

 

During the following two years, Tilly kept in touch with her parents via the internet and Skype. What those at home didn’t know, was that Tilly always asked for long cruises. The last thing she wanted was to go home to the house.

Her attitude of ‘accept me as I am’, earned her and lost her boyfriends. That was no problem and one day she found her soul-mate in the form of Ridley, a purser on one of the cruise ships, who spoke several languages and had the idea of setting up an information centre on one of the islands they cruised to. Tilly thought it was the answer to her prayers, and told him she would go along with him. He knew what Tilly was like and that he couldn’t tell her how to dress or what to do in her own time, nevertheless, he said that they would make a great team and that it could be a success.

 

By the end of the cruise, Tilly and Ridley were planning marriage. As a safeguard, they didn’t inform their parents, as both sides would expect them to conform and live near at least one set of parents.

 

Tilly and Ridley were two of a kind and so they got married in the Caribbean with friends they had who were still on the ships. Ridley set up the information centre with help from Tilly and other would-be business associates, on one of the Caribbean islands visited by cruise ships. Tilly was very happy, she had what she wanted, a stress-free life in a sunny climate, and a husband who accepted her as she was.  

 

As Tilly was settling down to the lifestyle she would keep up for the rest of her life, Mela was leaving school. Her only thoughts were the same ones that Tilly had had previously.

 

Thornton and Hilary did not know what to make of their daughters. They kept up the large house for what reason they weren’t quite sure. Tilly was never going to visit, and Mela they simply didn’t understand.

 

One sunny afternoon Mela left home with a couple of suitcases, and a handbag, and a ticket to ‘sinful old London,’ as her parents called it. Her parents had found her a flat to live in, but Mela wasn’t so keen on having anything from them. After all, Tilly had done it by herself.

 

The problem was that Mela wasn’t Tilly, and instead of carving out a career for herself, she went in for a long line of disreputable boyfriends who eventually led her down the road of drink, drugs, and ruin. At first Mela could get away with abusing herself so much, but as the years passed she was unable to keep up the pace, and as the work grew less available, so did the boyfriends.

 

Mela had been quite pretty in her youth, but as she hadn’t looked after herself, by the time she was forty her looks were getting to be a thing of the past. In desperation she tried botox, the cure-all for facial wrinkles. This worked for a time, and she was still capable of getting a boyfriend who would pander to her whims and fancies. However, after a while, even the most patient of them would tire and give her up for someone much healthier.

Mela had, as Tilly had done before her, always made it clear ‘accept me as I am’. In Mela’s case it didn’t quite come off so well. Mela was becoming fatter as the result of smoking and drinking alcohol so frequently. When Mela was drunk she was fun, but anyone in their twenties can be fun, even when they are drunk. At forty, a drunk woman is pathetic and sad.

 

Mela had to wait until she was fifty and had gone through the menopause before she saw herself as she really was. It was no longer enough to say ‘accept me as I am’, what had she become? Another difference between the sisters, was that Mela, not having gone abroad to live for more than a few months with one of her boyfriends, was nearer to Thornton and Hilary than Tilly, who maintained a distant contact with them. The invitations to parties were fewer and fewer, like the men. Mela had never listened to anyone’s advice since leaving home. Any advice that began “If I were you…” or “Why don’t you…?” was ignored. Help from any source to make her see sense was always greeted with, “Accept me as I am.”

 

On Mela’s fiftieth birthday several things happened simultaneously, the first thing being that she took a long hard stare in the bathroom mirror with the light switched on and falling directly onto her face. Where she had had a smooth forehead, now she had a furrowed brow. There were crows-feet around her eyes that she had been unaware of. But worst of all, there were little lumps under the skin of her cheeks.

 

She went into her bedroom and sat down on a chair. What to do? The wild life she had been living was now at an end.

The thing that  people dread most, but especially women who have lived on the edge, had arrived - ‘old age’; Mela wasn’t old but something inside her had died and could never be resuscitated - her youth and looks.

 

She was still trying to get to grips with her present situation when the phone rang. It was her mother, “Mela, happy birthday. Your father has had a stroke and I can’t manage to look after him alone at home, I need you to help me, please.”

Not long ago, Mela would have replied, ‘Sorry, I’m too busy,’ and rung off. But, she couldn’t, so she didn’t, instead, “It’s all right. I’ll be down there as soon as possible. Have you got a nurse, or help of any kind to collaborate in the house and his care?”

“Yes, Mrs Gates still comes in, so I don’t have to do absolutely everything.”

“Well, then, I’ll ring off and organise myself to get down there before too long. Have you informed Tilly?

“Not much point. She’s so far away and has her life over there. I’ll let her know, of course, in time. Bye, Dear, look forward to seeing you.”

 

Mela had very mixed feelings about going back to the house - the place she considered to be where she and Tilly had had no chance to be themselves, only what their parents had wanted them to be.

She wondered how Tilly was getting on with her idyllic life out in the Caribbean after so many years. Certainly she was in a better way than Thornton, Hilary, or herself. Tilly was the only one who had got what she really wanted out of life. Good luck to her, thought Mela. I made my decision and ended up with lines on my face, and goodness knows what else might be lurking around inside my body. She thought back to lost friends who had died early from drugs, or drink, or accidents in cars, or on motorbikes.

 

Her packing was not so difficult, nothing too glamorous was needed. In went casual clothes and water resistant outerwear, strong boots and shoes that hadn’t been worn for ages, and it was odd to be taking them with her. Mela rang around to the few so-called friends she had, to tell them where she was off to.

 

Closing the front door of her flat and with the possessions that made up her life in the big city, Mela got in her car, and set out for the place she had vowed never to set foot in again over thirty years ago.

 

Mela parked her car outside the front door and, as if she had been waiting on the spot, her mother opened it and went out to greet her.

Hilary stood staring at her daughter’s face and said, “Mela, how debauched you look. I don’t know who is in more need of care, you or your father. Come in, he’s sitting in the living-room.” Hilary watched Mela closely as she took out her belongings from the car and went indoors.

 

Thornton was sitting in an armchair looking very frail indeed. Mela went up to him and said, “Hello, Dad, how are you doing?”

Only half of Thornton’s face worked, the other side was frozen. He stared at Mela and tried to say something, which was unintelligible to Mela’s untrained ears.

Hilary said to her husband, “Don’t strain yourself. Mela understands you’re not quite yourself.”

Mela stared in disbelief at the profound change in her father. The man who had been so demanding of her and Tilly, was now reduced to nothing more than skin and bones and only half-alive.

To think we were petrified of you when we were little girls and now look at you, no better than anyone else. I wish I had known it would come to this. Mela thought to herself, pity Tilly isn’t here, she would enjoy this. She always blamed you and your strict code of rules for forcing us out onto the big wide world when we were totally unprepared for it. Don’t worry, I shan’t tell her, why bother her and disturb her lovely life.

Mela turned to her mother, and asked, “How long has he been in this state?”

“Since last week, just before I got in touch with you. Would you like tea or anything?”

“No, thanks. I’ll go to my room and unpack, if that’s all right with you.”

Hilary was so grateful that Mela had come back, even if just for a little while, that she said, “Of course, you do whatever you like. After all, this is your home. I’ll get Mrs Gates to prepare your father a light snack. He takes ages to eat and dribbles a bit. It’s like having a toddler in the house only that he’s rather larger. Take your time before coming down.”

 

Mela walked up the stairs to her old bedroom and saw that it had been repainted and some pieces of furniture had been changed. She walked over to the window and saw that the view was still the same. A huge, dark wave of depression overpowered her, and she wanted to scream out and ask, Why am I here? I should have stayed away. Tilly had never been back, so why am I here again?

The answer was that, whereas Tilly had made a life for herself, she, Mela, had only gone drifting along without any direction, only to find herself out in the cold.

 

The unpacking took no time at all, and she went downstairs to see her mother trying to get some soft bread in milk into her father’s mouth.

“Let me do that, I’m not as useless as you think. I had a friend who had to be spoon-fed till he got sufficiently strong enough to do it for himself.” Mela sat down on a chair close to her father and began spooning the mess into his mouth.

Hilary left father and daughter together and went into the kitchen to prepare the dinner for the two of them.

Mela was thankful for her father’s condition, because it meant an honest reason for leaving London and her old life-style, which had lost all its old attraction for her.

 

The following six months were spent helping mother clean and feed her father. Although Thornton never knew it, he really was a case of ‘accept me as I am’. His physical state was appalling, compared to what it had been once. Mela spent the time when he was sleeping looking at photographs of her parents on their wedding day and when they were on holiday, and saw that the man she had been so in awe of was not bad-looking in his youth.

 

Some people in the village recognised her, but were discreet enough not to stare at her for too long. They limited themselves to asking about her father and her mother.

 

Tilly never knew the full details about what went on in the house. Hilary and Mela decided it wouldn’t do any good, and make them hope for something that would never happen.

 

When Thornton’s body finally expired, it was left up to Hilary and Mela to see to all the formalities.

 

Tilly was sent an email informing her of her father’s death and asking her if she would be coming to the funeral. Ridley asked her, “Are you going to go to your father’s funeral?”

“When I left, I did so for ever. Even if he was in a bad way before he died, I still remember him as nothing more than an overbearing figure, with no warmth in him at all. So the answer is, no, I am not going to his funeral.”

 

Mela and Hilary had not expected Tilly to come, so they weren’t upset by her reply.

 

When the will was read, the house had been left to Hilary and Mela, to do with as they wished.

 

Tilly received nothing, but then, the only thing she had ever wanted was - to be accepted as she was.