A poetic suicideal rant

I'll swallow pills but won't drink a bit.
How's that for a hypocrite?
I lie and cheat but never steal.
I'm fake and phony but always real.
I look up to no one and never look down,
So look me in the eyes while I drown.
I won't judge you so don't judge me,
Ending this hypocrisy.
I may forgive, can never forget,
And am trapped by my own ironic regret.
You don't care about me and neither do I,
For I'm the girl who deserves to die.
And it's alright, I understand,
I'll bring my death by my own hand.
Please don't cry, never wonder why,
I'm telling you now I'm not alright.
I'm selfish, greedy, and insecure.
I'm the sickness which had no cure.
I'm tired of running away from myself,
Trapped forever in mental hell.
Dark and twisted my mind succumbs.
How could you miss what I've become?
Behind my eyes there dwells no soul.
A black abyss to make me whole.
Thoughts wreath and twist within my mind.
They tear and throb to make me blind.
I'm holding back as best I can,
But losing grip on where I stand.
Can't you see I'm f*****g trying?
No one holds me back from dying!
I do that myself every night,
But I wonder if that choice is right.
I'm the cancer chemo can not kill.
The chemo is my own freewill.
My presence, the cancer upon the world.
I'm the hopeless, scheming, desperate girl.
I fight for me and me alone,
But a passionless battle can not be won.
F**k it these pills aren't fading my light.
I can't even f*****g kill myself right!
I guess I'll just write until I can't breathe.
There's no one around to even try and save me.
D****t I'm out, the bottle is gone.
Cold, empty plastic is taunting me on.
Looking back at all that I've wrote,
This went from poetry to a suicide note.
I guess the pills just weren't enough.
Who would've guessed I'd be this tough?
So now I'll just cut just on on my arm.
I don't want conspicuousy, only harm.
No it won't kill me, but I don't care.
It strips my emotions leaving me bear.
That's what I need, really all I want.
I don't think I've ever been this blunt.
I guess that's the end of my pathetic night.
I wonder how many more I can survive.