My Secret Is Eating Me Alive

A true story, and I hope you find inspiration to carry on

My Secret Is Eating Me Alive   

Imagine waking up, walking to the mirror, and just breaking down into tears.  Not just one day, but each and every single day for more than two years.  Mornings always start the same way, opening tired eyes, ones that just previously cried and cried till exhaustion turned into sleep.  Then thinking whether or not today will be good.  However, there is only one key factor, that decided how the day goes.  The factor is tall, long, has a wood frame, and is simply a mirror.  But this mirror to some is one used in circus, everyday some see someone they do not know, or something different each day.  As the plain mirror hangs on the light blue wall, the frail girl stands still.  Then a frown appears, as she pitches her flat stomach, because all she shes is loads of fat that she needs to lose.  Next, she grabs her thighs, that barely touch, yet again she sees fat because as she sits they hit and look disgusting.  Falling to the ground, she wraps her arms around her knees and tears begin to fall like a waterfall.  Praying and hoping thoughts will end, thoughts not only about being too fat, but ones about never being good enough, or failing, or never fitting in.  Eventually, she manages to pick herself up, and grab the biggest sweatshirt to hide what she calls her pregnant stomach.  In addition, socks and warm pants are put on, even when it is 60 degrees.  Struggling to just walk to the kitchen without gasping for air, falling, or bawling again.  After a long period of time passes, she knows once again forcing food down must be done, just like the previous mornings.  Soon an omelet is made, with only egg whites, spinach, and some vegetables.  No, there is no ham, milk, cheese, or oil coating the pan. Those would only make her feel fat, and think worse.  Along with breakfast sits a gigantic cup of coffee, due to never having enough energy for more than a couple hours.  Also, probiotics and calcium to try to aid a broken body in the way to recovering.  Lastly, there is a bright red apple that shins under the light, sprinkled with dark brown cinnamon with a smell that fills the room, and an exact measured tablespoon of almond butter.  No more or less than one tablespoon, if so the whole day would become a nightmare, and it would seem like the end.  As she slowly eats, and barely finishes, a whole hour passes.  After eating and only feeling even fuller than before, she walks slowly to her room, shuts the door gently, making sure to lock it, then she falls and cries again.  This is not just a made up story, in reality thousands are suffering from an eating disorder, and this is mine.  

How does anyone think it is possible for someone to go through this everyday?  When they and I am only hiding behind baggy clothes, hiding how depressed they are inside, faking a smile but really just wanting to cry for hours.  That small voice in my mind is not small, or is it timid.  It is as loud and as strong as a lion, how fat and obese a frail, boney girl feels inside and sees each day.  No one truly understands how this could even be possible, they think there is no way a “made-up voice” could actually be destroying my future, and my life.  What am I, or anyone in the same shoes, suppose to do when they are told they are lying?  “You are making it all up.  Just realize you are wrong.”  Well if those saying were true, no one would have eating disorders, it is not an easy road to overcome one.  For example, one small disorder, can suddenly take and change me into someone I do not recognize in the mirror.  From a high energetic rabbit, who was silly, crazy, to someone totally different who hides fear behind a fake smile, has to force tears back, and cries to sleep almost every night.  Calories dropped below 100 each day, some days I only drank water.  One day I had one miniscule brownie, and flipped out.  From losing twenty pounds, that was the day I knew things had to change, being upset and frustrated with just eating a bite of a brownie, nothing else.  All that was disgusted that day was that brownie, and that day two naps were taken.  Why? Because my body was trying to tell me something, that I needed fuel, energy, in other words, food.  Fortunately, that day someone pushed me to get the help I needed, sadly this is not the case for everyone suffering.  However, whether or not an individual has someone to push them, I have learned the only way to recover fully is to fight.  Fight all day, every day, maybe even for years.  Fight when it seems impossible, and even on the days it seems to be looking better.  Fight for a future, a better life, for real goals.  Only a few have the courage and strength to fight all the way, 3 out of 10 are said to be fully recovered.  But all should fully recover, because no one should have to deal with a voice that is eating them alive.

Media, society, sometimes even friends and family are expressing how one should look, how they should dress, do their hair or makeup.  Magazines, ads, and again media, have simply sat at a computer and Photoshopped the average normal women, and over several hours or days turned her into an unrealistic picture.  The picture is not a representation of any women or individual out there, no one should think this are the actually standards to succeed.  Society is running our lives.  Why should anyone be able to say my clothes, hair, makeup, body shape is wrong? Is not perfect? Needs to be changed?  Why can I and every citizen not choose how we want to dress?  Expressing oneself means feeling confident, being happy, and going after dreams.  Who you are, means letting yourself decide how to express yourself.  Everyone wants to look like an unrealistic person, but that picture actually was a real girl at once.  With Photoshopped pictures, women are trying to drastically change who they really are.  Due to media, society, and other influences, choosing to recover is never going to be easy.  Recovering, means knowing each day will be a struggle and knowing why fighting is the only option.

One day I was just eating a simple brownies, just one small bite of a brownie.  One bite, all day, thats all that was put into my mouth besides water all day.  The next day, I knew something had to change, a brownie was not enough, maybe I learned this due to someone who pushed me.  With or without a push, you need to realize food is needed.  Although, at first adding 100-200 calories was not hard at all.  Apples, bananas, vegetables, maybe some bread if daring.  However, when talking about 200, not even a newborn child can survive off of that amount, let alone can a teenager.  Trying to eat 500-700 was a different challenge, it seemed impossible.  My mind thought one day could include five apples, or about four or five bananas, a couple handful of almonds, or maybe a couple pieces of bread with turkey.  Yet, when eating just fruit and vegetables, they are only made up of water, meaning being full and feeling stuffed within seconds and basically no calories.  Unlike many, calories were not the only thing I cared about, fat, carbs, sugar, protein, sodium, I looked at it all.  Each day I wanted to see that I had at least less than ten grams of fat, the less the better I felt.  Protein at the time was my best friend, I thought it only had good effects. But, later on I learned it was the enemy.  Eventually and extremely slowly, fat gradually became part of a daily diet.    Only healthy fats though, such as low sugar protein bars, maybe exactly 12 almonds, or a perfect scoop of almond butter.  Time passed, and time, lots of time and patience is needed.  In one day, or even one week, maybe even a month, can 1000 calories be added, and everything just suddenly disappear.  Nothing can happen overnight, everything is going to take time.  Months go by for 1000 calories to be added.  Learn about nutrition and what is absolutely needed for a body to grow, to repair the damage, to actually live.  Aim for high calorie foods, and find ones that are safe foods.  Safe foods, being those that finish a day's total calories, or ones that do not cause a ton of bloating, or reduces thoughts, or makes a mood improve.  For example, when struggling to reach my current goal, 1600, and that took about a year in a half, I reach for cheerios, an apple, pretzels, almonds, and granola bars.All are low dense, but have a good amount of calories.  Again, when looking at my current goal, 1600, that still is not enough for a normal teenager, I still have a ways to go.  1600 even took over a year to reach.  There are still foods I fear, cheese, sweets such as cake and ice cream, non-diet sodas, and more.  These foods will take months to be able to eat on a regular schedule.  Ranch, pizza, butter, oil, and steak will take more than a couple months, maybe a year, but thats okay.  Yet, I know one day I will be eating them and not caring,

Think what your body goes through, or went through when it was starved for days on end, maybe even for months.  There are lists after lists of major health consequences, all because I choose not to eat, because a voice was controlling me.  Dark brown, broken, curly hair covered the bathroom floor everyday.  In the shower, clog drains were normal.  Washing hair meant hair come out, clump after clumpe, creating balls of hair that had to be flushed.  Skin turned from a nice tan to a ghostly white color, and became thin, cracking into cuts easily.  Nails also became weak, and became short due to always breaking and cracking.  Huge, black and blue, new, bruises would appear each morning, and know where able to be explained.  Sleeping became a must, not just eleven hours a night, but also two naps a day.  Sometimes maybe more naps, or basically the whole day was spent sleeping.  Just laying down, eyes fell into a deep sleep.  Bones showed, sticking out inches.  No energy was available, not even to walk.  Bodies were not made to be put through constant starvation, let alone one day of it.  Instead they need over 2,000 calories to just live and grow.  Not 1,000 or 100 or 0.  An apple a day, may make that small voice in your head happy, but that single apple is encouraging that voice and telling the voice it has all the power, all the control.  That voice is not the one in charge, letting a voice control your life means rapidly seeing your body be destroyed, and letting your body die rapidly.  Only you can stop this voice, and yes, it is always a constant battle.  It is a major up hill road, but the fight is worth it in the end, you and your body will be thankful.  

Throughout almost two years, I have fought and still continue to fight this battle.  Giving up only means losing the future I use to care and dream about.  Even though constipation, weak bones, and intense powerful thoughts still occur almost everyday, I have learned from my mistakes.  For months, I ate protein, lots of protein.  Breakfast was egg whites, 10 grams, chicken for lunch, maybe 30 grams, and dinner again chicken or fish, 30 grams.  However, I would have snacks, and by the end of the day, I would have over 100 grams of protein, a women only needs 60-80 grams.  Sometimes I would have 150 grams of protein and less than 10 grams of fat.  Little did I know, the sharp pain in my stomach, was because of too much protein and little fat.  This sharp pain happened once a week, sometimes twice, it is known as constipation.  Now, protein is just 80 grams a day, and there is no sharp pain.  Constipation is beyond normal for recovering, not eating for months then suddenly eating, means your body holds on to the food, and has to learn how to digest and deposit waste all over.  Since choosing the road to recovering the fight is real, and the struggle is real.  You cannot think that the road will be easy, because that is a major lie.  There will be good days that pass by without struggle, but there are more days till the voice is completely gone.  Some nights my pillow lays soaked, soaked in tears.  Makeup covers the pillow, black streaks of mascara and eyeliner, and cover-up, creating a piece of art almost.  However, that once voice that was stronger than a lion, is now becoming timid as a mouse.  Each day fighting is the only option, each day you have to be a lion tamer.  Teach yourself why you are in need of recovering, and do not give up.  Do not give up because a week is horrible, or because it seems like there is no end.  Soon weeks will not be horrible, instead only good days will occur.  Even though no good, very bad days will happen, remember that it is not the end.  There will always be another day to try to reach goals, or another day that will simply be better.  The truth is that everyone has bad days, no one can avoid them.  The only way to get better, is honestly to fight,  Fight till it is gone.  Fight through the bad days, and breath when it gets better.  Fight when it seems like nothing is getting better.  Fight even when things are falling apart.  Fight for yourself and your future.  So what if you miss your goal for one day, that is why there is tomorrow to try again.  Learn how to fix mistakes, do not live with something that is making you upset and ruining the real you.  Forgive yourself, or you will not be able to fight hard enough,  Find strength and courage to fight each day.  Be thankful for the body you have and learn to love it.  You only have one body, one life, one chance, one you, and one reason to fight to live.  Do not let a voice called anorexia choose to end your life.  Too many have not been able to fight all the way, all because of a stupid voice.  Take back your life, and find the real you.  Stop living for a voice, get rid of it and make it the past.  It means nothing, you are worth it, fight for your life and succeed in your journey.