"Just Eat More"

A lie, a truth, fear, love, what is it

Just Eat, that what they say day after day and month after month.  Those thoughts about being fat are all lies eating will make them go away? Is that so, probably not.  What about the depression eating you alive, making everything you do just a dumb task with no enjoyment?  What about the stress picking at your skin asking are you good enough? Smart enough? Skinny enough? Eating does not just go and fix everything.  Yeah, every culture revolves around food, and food may aid the sick.  But food alone isn't the answer for someone with an eating disorder, therapist don't have a clue what it is like to force huge bowls of cereal and pretzels, after a huge bowl of noodles and grilled cheese, and feel so full like you will throw up and on top of that being constipated for weeks.  Oh wait they just know get your weight back up and everything will be better.  But in reality feeling better about yourself may actually make you eat more.  On the days where you feel god enough and pretty and where the tight shirt with out feeling like you look pregnant, you feel okay to go and eat a little more.  Its true.  And those people who just say oh just let it go its stupid, have no clue how hard individuals are fighting to try to live a happy life.  Yes there are worse situations, but feeling at an all time low for months and just wanting to disappear to be at peace is still tough.  It is a never ending road it seems, but yet you have to keep going hoping just hoping that there is a small light, which will turn into the beautiful sum just shining on you everyday.  "Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is just a lie, everyone not just people suffering from an eating disorder are being put down by something they hear from someone else, or because they are judging themselves to someone else. I may not be a therapist, but for one I know who I am, what I feel and what I believe in.  And for sure I know if I actually had less depression and felt better this journey would be easier.  But it just feels like I am skipping over steps and making the journey harder because I am wearing out to fast, losing hope more and more each day, not knowing what to do to hold on, to fight.  I know deep deep down it will get better, that I will be able to wear tight shirts everyday, but eating alone won't do that for me, I know that.  I just want to feel better about myself, who I am, I feel like the worse person for causing myself to develop an eating disorder, for letting this mess happen.  Every day I feel so guilty for putting the people I care about in so much worry and fear for making them see me as someone else.  I just wish I could be the old me again...carefree...high confidence...happy all the time...just the old me....I just want this to all disappear