Self-Blame

This wasn't easy to write and it's different from my usual style, but I was passionate enough about the message to give it a try.

Maybe it’s just me taking the blame off myself

And cleaning my slate by blaming everyone else.

 

I really don’t mean to, but I won’t forget

That I say things I don’t mean when I’m upset.

 

Maybe I’m being a hypocrite

And avoiding suspicion of acts I’d commit.

 

I know I’m not always in the right.

But I try to be better�"I just need the time.

 

Maybe I’m trying too hard to be deep

And my words are far too pedantic to keep.

 

But I do hope we both understand how

There’s no harm in having this written down.

 

Please�"I don’t mean to question the worth

Of the ones who I love for being there when I’m hurt.

I have a horrible habit I’m trying to cure

Where the ones who care are the ones I deter.

 

But I have an opinion I want to be said

And every second it’s out will fill me with dread,

 

So know it’s not an attack�"it’s a word of advice

That I regret could come across wrongly at times.

 

I want you to think of the most recent time

You told someone, “everything will be fine”.

Remember when you told a friend,

“You’re beautiful, and it’ll be okay in the end.

If you ever need help, there’s plenty around,

And no matter what, happiness can be found.”

 

Think about who and why you wish well.

Now tell me if you could say the same to yourself.

 

They say that the kindest are the ones who hurt most

And they’re the ones that reach out�"they’re the ones that get close.

 

I’d never deny that you have good intentions.

And I thank you for the company and the happiness you mention.

When you tell me it’ll all be okay

And I’m beautiful, I really care what you say.

You make me happy when my life seems so rough

And for that, I cannot thank you enough.

But when I find out you can’t turn those words inward,

I still care about their meaning, but I question their worth.

 

I truly want to believe what you say

When you tell me I’m perfect in every way.

But when I find out your words give me air while you drown,

All of the meaning just comes crashing down

Because surely, if you can’t take your own advice

Then I start thinking it’s impossible to try.

 

I suppose that’s my problem with most inspiration.

It feels too much like equivocation.

When someone who wouldn’t know tells you what to do,

But there’s no proof that it’s possible, it just doesn’t ring true.

“You can be happy”: we all want to have won it,

But it seems just a dream when few around us have done it.

 

I say this trembling: I was guilty of that.

I gave to my friends what I thought I couldn’t have.

The feeling of dying is knowledge I’ve cheated,

But a friend’s death is history I can’t let be repeated.

 

I am not saying you can’t try to help

When you’re busy dealing with demons yourself.

But what if instead of just giving advice,

You took in your own air and gave it a try?

 

Ask for help, seek out a friend,

Find a way to reach your own tunnel’s end.

Say that you’re beautiful; I want you to believe it.

And while you work on yourself, just let me see it.

Show me it’s possible, and it’s well within reach

So how to go even higher isn’t too hard to see

We can be each others’ inspiration

And work together with mutual innovation.

 

The demons that plague us are an abhorrence,

But that doesn’t make them less of a daily occurrence.

The less that fighting them is a hero’s quest�"

A unique battle for only the best�"

And the more it’s a war that we all take part in,

The easier it becomes to believe you can win.

 

I suppose that’s why my work is depressing.

I’ve never claimed to be teaching a lesson.

 

I just want to share what I’ve been through

So you can see the ways I’m identical to you

 

And you can see your battle from my point of view

And know I’ve made it this far, so you can too.

Author's Note

Photo by: @pxsitive._.thxughts