Depression

When I was nine I wrote my first suicide note. I’m don’t how I knew at such a young age what it meant to “kill yourself”, but I do remember feeling poignant.  After that I’d be hospitalized twice in a psychiatric hospital- first at 13 and again at 22. Both related to suicidal ideations. For the past 14 years I’ve been in and out of cognitive therapy and tried 10 different kinds of anti-depressants. I can recite the HIPPA rules and regulations forwards and backwards and still don’t why I haven’t been issued a prescription pad yet. I have PTSD from a few events that happened earlier in my life and at times have severe episodes of depression.

When it comes to suicide I’ve never seen it as ‘a coward’s way out’. I’ve just seen it as ‘a way out.’ Not that a person who commits suicide is noble, but I understand. No one who is thinking about killing themselves is thinking about ‘what the future holds’ because to them- there is no future. It’s unforeseeable. Everything seems as if it’s happening all at once. Kind of like being stuck on a rollercoaster gone rouge for days to months at a time. There gets to a point where you’re tired and just want it to stop. The mind set of person who is suicidal is not clear. We don’t realize how permanent this solution is. We just want a solution and we want it right there and then. Sometimes we’ve convinced ourselves this is the right thing to do. We aren’t thinking of the aftermath. Who is going find me? Who will make my funeral arrangements? What people I’ve left behind will think. We don’t realize that by killing ourselves we’ve robbed ourselves of future birthdays, Christmases, nights out with friends, or hugging your parents/ loved ones. If we realized those things do you actually think people would still do it? 

A lot of people with depression are accused of “looking for attention”, however; I’ve yet to see what’s to gain by purposely making yourself depressed. I’m not sure why that’s a way people would choose to get attention. I don’t enjoy any attention when I’m depressed, but I suppose it’s easy to make a judgment on something you’ve never experienced while having the luxury of viewing it as a spectator.

With the depression comes anxiety. They show up together hand-in-hand, both uninvited. Except depression doesn't exactly knock at your door- It lets itself in when you're not home and falls asleep on your couch. When I’m depressed I feel as if I’m wearing an itchy, wool sweater I can’t take off. My clothes don't fit right, the flab under my arm is extra jiggly today, and everything I've eaten feels like a ton of bricks in my stomach. I want to be in bed. I don’t want to be folding tee shirts at Aeropostale and I definitely don’t want to be interacting with the general public. There comes a point where eating, sleeping, and smoking cigarettes become my daily activities. I’ve found myself running out at 11:00pm for my nightly taco bell run or eating a Big Mac and a quarter pounder in one sitting. Nothing could fill me. I was never satisfied. 

I get plenty of unsolicited advice from people when I tell them I’m depressed. “Why don’t you try meditation?” “My friend’s mom took these supplements when she was sad!” “Have you tried prayer?” While the intentions are good, dealing with depression is not quickly fixed with taking a few deep breaths. I’m in a state of mind where I’m constantly psyching myself out. Everything I do is usually followed up with the thought, “What is the point in me doing this?” A lot of people suggest exercise, but sometimes I get so tired, walking short distances becomes exhausting. I remember my freshman year of college I would become so tired while walking back to my dorm I’d genuinely consider stopping and taking a nap on the housing lawn. 

Then you have the classic “I can’t get out of bed.” Even when you've slept 13 hours straight and it’s 7:00 at night you still feel like you haven’t slept for days. Sometimes I get so tired I don’t even have the energy to talk. Every question is answered with a nod or a “mhm”; I’m too tired to even try and listen.

 

There comes a point where the itchy sweater becomes more prominent and I become overwhelmed. I'm irritable because I want to be left alone. I have so much going on in my head I can't and don't want to try and focus on anything else. I need to be on my own. I hope that if I just lay in bed for a while all the racing thoughts will exhaust themselves out, instead of me. Every bad memory I've ever experienced comes rushing back; the time I was a b***h to my friends or the time that boy shoved me against the bleachers in the 4^th grade.

I unwillingly convince myself I’m a bad person. I’m a loser, selfish, mean, slob, fat, spoiled, whiny, and hypersensitive. I’ll never get married or have kids. I’ll never amount to anything. I try therapy techniques to redirect my thoughts, but almost always end up surrendering and just letting it happen. I walk around wanting to cry at any given moment. Sometimes strangers will stop me in the store and ask why I have tears in my eyes. I lie and tell them, “I’m just having a bad day” or “I broke up with my boyfriend.” I've always wondered how a person would respond if I just told them I was depressed.

In fact, going out in public is something that doesn't happen often during these times. Texts from friends go unanswered because I can’t bear the thought of getting dressed up to go out for drinks. Calling out of work becomes a frequent event. I don’t want to leave the house. I’m too exhausted from trying to get my s**t together I can’t do anything else it seems.

 I become forgetful and at times not able to remember simple everyday tasks. I understand why people get frustrated. They don’t understand how I could forget to come in for my shift or why I can’t just “get over it”. To be honest, I agree with them. I don’t understand either and am constantly frustrated with myself.

Every night I tell myself I just have to suck it up and get on with life in the morning, but when morning actually comes I’ve convinced myself “I’ll try again tomorrow.” There are times I can feel time moving on without me. I realize life still goes on whether or not I’m depressed. It seems like during these episodes time moves by extremely slow. 5 hours of work feels like 10 hours. I can be doing 10 miles per hour over the speed limit, but still feel like I’m actually doing 10 under. I feel like there is lead in my feet weighing me down with each step. Everything is slow and I want it to go faster. It makes me anxious.  I want to move on.

I never want anyone to feel sorry for me and I definitely don’t use my depression as an excuse. I try to see it as a positive. I see it as an obstacle to becoming a person with more self-control. It’s caused me to be more emotionally intelligent and more aware of myself. I also, think because of my depression I have a tendency to be more empathetic to others. I can see things from a person’s point of view and try to understand what they’re thinking or feeling. This probably because this something I’ve wanted from people my entire life. I feel there’s a stigma attached to me that maybe I’m not really depressed. Maybe I actually just lazy and have a s****y personality. But as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that I’m none of those things. I’ve taught myself that I am in control and that these feelings of sadness will pass over time. As a person with depression you are in control. I know it’s easier said than done, but forcing yourself out of bed makes a world of difference. Even if it’s just to take a walk around the block or get a cup of coffee. You’re in control. I can’t stress that enough. Most importantly don’t let anyone tell you you’re something you’re not. You aren't weak, an attention seeker, or hopeless. Those people don’t know. They don’t know how simple tasks become conquests. Depression is not something they’ve experienced. Be sympathetic to these people. They have had the luxury of never dealing with depression, so of course they don’t understand. And maybe it scares them.

You can’t help having depression, but you can cope with it. Don’t let it define or control you. You don’t have depression, you’re a person who deals with depression. There is nothing wrong with you.

Author's Note

Any advice on how to improve my syntax? How about punctuation?

Reviews

[S.J]

I felt like I could really relate with that. I have been having trouble with depression for a long time. I think you should re-check your writing, a few words were missing. I also thought that you knew a lot about depression. I felt like I could relate and I hardly ever feel that way.
I also enjoyed your style of writing. I would make the text bigger, and I think the ending should be a little shorter. (I'm not a pro), but I would buy that story in a store.

Hope this helps. I think Journalism is a excellent subject for you. Your writing is brilliant!

[Haley Jean]

Thank you so much!