Dying To Save Medicare

My take on the US healthcare system. I am sure this will get tons of looks.

It is no secret that to thinking Americans currently living, the Medicare and Social Security systems are both rapidly approaching insolvency and, if left unchanged, will soon bankrupt the United States. Congress and the White House aren’t really doing anything serious to address the issue, since no career politician has ever won eighteen consecutive terms in the House representing the 99^th congressional district of Upper Decatur after using a platform of: “We will have to means-test your Social Security and cut your Medicare benefits.” Elections are never won by telling voters the truth.

 

But the numbers that do tell the truth about the seriousness of the nation’s economic situation are not steeped in ideology. They don’t discriminate, and they don’t give a cheap damn about people healthy or ill, rich or poor, young or old. But what the numbers do say is that the system will collapse soon of its own epic entitlement girth, unless action is taken soon. Meanwhile, mostly superficial ideas to fix the system are volleyed back and forth across party lines in between important bi-partisan fact-finding missions to Monte Carlo and Gstaad.

 

And since there’s no Sarah Palin fashion faux pas to comment on, and Anthony Weiner’s penis is in grief counseling, I decided to do more reading on the bracing subject of health care, keeping the impending national fiscal nightmare in mind.

 

I read a news story where a doctor was suggesting regular colonoscopies for men up to age 75. And I wondered, what is one supposed to do after that, die? And wouldn’t that dying save everyone else money?

 

Why wait until 75? Think about how much money we could save if everyone was just dead now. I thought I was on to something special and exclusive until I started doing additional research into what medical professionals are saying about the financial merits of death and found that others have already beaten me to the concept of dying to save money, sumbitches.

 

These doctors are now suggesting that the general public just bypass the normal process of aging, and the medical system entirely and proceed immediately to dying. Imagine eliminating years of expense and endless paperwork; no more waiting at doctor’s offices and emergency rooms. Visualize the end of painful tests, claustrophobic and intrusive exams and CAT scans. No more bad muzak and six month old copies of Redbook and Young Mother's Motorcycle Maintenance Monthly, with the ads for Sea Monkeys ripped out.

 

A local physician’s advertising literature gets right to the point by proposing to drastically streamline the healthcare process, recommending “death” versus “all those check-ups and stuff.” Makes sense to me.

 

As for Hippocrates and his maxim that doctors “abstain from doing harm” in his Oath, well just forget it. That kind of thinking is so outdated anyway. Do no harm, unless the harm you’re doing a fellow human is labeled a “right.” Do no harm, unless the patient pays in cash and the tort lawyers are away on that junket to Switzerland with Congress. Bugger all that.

 

Instead, I say we all just check out of life a little earlier than planned, just to save the system from collapsing. If you agree with me, then I say we implement what I call this “Death To Save Medicare” plan real soon. The only caveat is: you go first.

 

Or maybe we should get a second opinion.