I Hate Myself

I wrote this recently while I was in a dark time in my life. These were thoughts that came from my frustration with my student loan debt, as well as other financial and personal turmoil.

I hate myself. The culmination of all the choices in my life - made both by others and myself - have led me to hate the life I am leading. It is not always such a potent and overwhelming feeling, it ebbs and flows like a cold tide over a small beach pebble half impressed upon the sandy mud. It is not always at the forefront of my mind as it is now as I write this passage, sometimes it is latent and simply looms over me at a distance like an angry, low-hanging cloud with the intent to rain. It creeps along with me blocking the warming rays of the sunlight from hitting me cold, awaiting skin. It sounds as if I am describing depression. No, I believe depression is simply a murderous bolt of lightning that sporadically erects from the cloud that is hatred above me, along with rage and sadness. I've yet to find an umbrella strong enough to shield me from this torrential self-hatred.

At times I do smile, laugh, maybe even revel in the moment. Then I ask myself, "what are you smiling about? You haven't accomplished anything, made any strides, done something! You have nothing to celebrate, so why do you bear this foolish grin?" Then the hatred returns - rightfully so (in my mind) - and I remember the disdain for who I am, almost disgust. I could've done better, been better, done more with my life. I've wasted so much time meandering about, it is painful to even recall. I begin to question my younger self, to resent my youthful ignorance. Why didn't I see this coming? Why didn't I prepare more? Then I snap back from the foggy contemplation. "You're doing it again, man." I'm dwelling in the would'ves, could'ves and should'ves that put myself in this position in the first place... And I hate myself for it.

Author's Note

Please feel free to comment on the content and/or the writing itself. Any criticism is taken with a grain of salt.