Vicious

A Poem by Hayley Davies

This is a poem I wrote for a poetry assignment. My first attempt since rhyming couplets in primary school. The format is a little rough as it didn't copy from Word as well as I'd like.

Vicious

Part One

It’s summer and I’m home from a lifetime away,
I haven’t heard from you in 27 months and I’ve almost forgotten how your voice sounds.
I’ve felt the flames underneath since you vanished but never to the same extent.
It’s been nice cooling off for a while.
And there you are,
Your checked shirt and peaked cap are unchanged
Your feet are still bare, I never understood that.
And like the Germans invading Russia you’re back,
Blitzkrieg.
I was in love with you instantly.
You spoke of your theories of creation and as you traced my tattoos with the tips of your fingers
I came up with theories of my own
I’d never realised I have a wide jawline until you told me.
You said it’s beautiful.

Put it under your lip and hold it there,
Don’t speak in case it slips.
You stroke my hair as I focus on not moving and you laugh because you’ve seen this all before.
Rookie.
Don’t speak to me of astral projection, I’m trying to contain my mind and suddenly my clothes are
too heavy.
When did the floor fall apart and how is it so cold on the 8^th of January?
Hold me as the ground
swallows
us.

If only my parents could see me now

Are we kites or are we clowns?
Which way’s up and which way’s down?
They’ve spotted us, don’t make a sound.
There’s glitter sprawled across the ground.
I can hear the buzzing of the wires.
Your golden pants have caught on fire.
I’m still waiting for my f*****g epiphany.

Part Two

This house will surely burn if those flames go unattended
But the fire beneath your touch takes precedence of my thoughts
And the red of the wax stains the carpet.
The first thing I lost was my right shoe
The second was the left
Off came my dress
Then went my mind
Your breathing is too shallow and I’m sweating.
As your back arches you’re inhuman
My insides are turning out
I’ve dreamt of this for days but I couldn’t conjure this
You’re perfect as you pull my hair harder.

                       Don’t.
                                       Stop.
              Now.

I supplied the ink that signed away my sanity and you’re the worst thing to happen to me since the death of my canary in the second grade. I want so badly to hurt you in the worst of ways but I wouldn’t want your hands wrapped around the throat of anybody else. I could spend the rest of my days listening to you speak but I wouldn’t dream of voicing words of my own. Any phrases to leave my lips would prevent those pouring from yours and I wouldn’t want to miss a single thought your mind could form.

I wish you’d love me like Sid loved Nancy.

Before you I was a stickler for straight teeth,
But there’s something about the way your left tooth grows crooked and hugs the right a little
too intensely
I don’t even mind the razor edge of your nose that’s grinding mine as I taste your cask wine lips.
F**k, I hate you.
There’re bruises on the insides of my thighs and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Please don’t say my name
You will be the death of me
What a way to go

Your hands are shaking again
Don’t let your composure slip, Jack, you’ve got me now
Mere millimetres,
Face to face
I can taste your last cigarette as you scream.
Don’t you raise that hand, JACK, don’t you f*****g dare,
DON’T YOU F*****G DARE
DON’T YOU FUCKI-
…
…
…
You can taste the pain as punishment
Wear my blood like lipstick and say you’re sorry
Say it again, but this time I want tears
I always liked you best when you’re on your knees.

And I bet they’re all getting the wrong impression of you. I don’t want them to see you as the monster I couldn’t. I loved you, I did, I do. There’s a fine line between pleasure and pain, right? And we danced that line with an unmatched ferocity. We were beautiful, we are beautiful. You soothed the wounds that you created, and that’s the important thing. No matter how high a degree was the burns you inflicted you could ease them with the ice of an apology. I’ll never stop craving your sorry. They’ll hear of the scars you left on my skin but they’ll never know the way your half smile and glazed eyes could reach across an apartment, over the smashed picture frame, over the torn stockings, over the blood stain beside the worn leather sofa to tug at the strings you held on my heart. They’ll never know how angelic you could look as you lie naked in ecstasy after a hit of speed and a fix of me.

Part Three

Inevitable
We always knew it would end
In an inferno

Not tonight, I’m tired and it’s late,
You only hear what you want to.
There’s that hand on my thigh again, and I don’t feel like playing with fire.
Not now.
There’s ten feet between us in this double bed but the click of that lighter isn’t for a cigarette
I toy with the idea of setting you alight as your veins explode and your pupils expand.

I said don’t touch me.

And now we’re out of bed and I just wanted to sleep
I’m f*****g sick of the sounds of your screams
We’re tired, and not just because it’s 3.17am
We’re well past our expiry date, don’t tell me you don’t know that.
I’m done, I’m done, I’m done.
Jack, I mean it, I can’t do this anymore.
Yes I know, I love you too.
Don’t come any closer I need to pack my things, my mum is on her way and I’ll be gone.

I’ve never seen you so silent.

Before I could blink you were there beside me
Your hands on my back and now I can’t see
Face first on the bed and I’m struggling to breathe.
Help.
The pillow tastes like last night
You’re still pressing and air’s growing tight
I’m not sure I can win this fight.
Help.

You stand up and I roll over
Do not tell me you’re sorry.

·
·

My hands are shaking again
I can’t let my composure slip, Jack, I’ve got you now.
Mere millimetres,
Face to face
I want to see the life leave your eyes
“You wouldn’t, you haven’t got the guts.”
Revenge is a dish best served as cold as the blade of a knife

I’m doing this out of love for you
You’re too beautiful for an Earth so cruel
And I’ve never seen you look as good as you do when you crumple
I kiss your last words away because I know exactly what they’d be
“I love you too.”

It takes the last of my strength to lift you into bed,
But I want you to be comfortable.
Here, let me wipe the blood from your lip.
You’re perfect.
I’ll take my time with my getting ready,
You always liked the red dress best.
I’ll shower, I’ll soak, I’ll savour.
Where’s the good perfume?

Look at you, no wonder I can’t escape you
Even in death you’re so full of life.
Listen, can you hear?
It’s your favourite song, Jack, our favourite song.
I’ll turn it up.
I’ll roll you one last cigarette,
You taught me good.
I’ll light this one and then I’ll light us both.
We always knew it would end in inferno.