How I Single-Handedly Ruined Pink's Musical Career, by HoWiE aged 36 1/2

How I Single-Handedly Ruined Pink's Musical Career, by HoWiE aged 36 1/2

A Story by HoWiE
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Last year Mouse and I went along to watch Pink in concert (her idea). This is the account of what actually happened and is 100% true...

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[indent]�I got tickets!� Mouse scampered in through the door flapping at the air like a woman on fire. �I got tickets.� [indent]For a second I thought she�d said, I�ve got rickets and was about to advise that, if that were indeed the case, that she shouldn�t dance around the kitchen so frenziedly. [indent]�I got us tickets to see Pink at the Plymouth Pavilions on the 22nd of August,� she said grinning and flailing some more. [indent]�The 22nd,� I said slowly. The cold realisation of what she had done settled upon me and so I chose my next words carefully. �You do know it�s England v Germany on the 22nd don�t you� an eight o�clock kick off�� [indent]�We are going to see Pink in concert,� she replied steadfastly. [indent]The matter was settled. [color=white].......................[/color]Photobucket [indent]The woman at the box office greeted us with the well-practiced smile of a Golem in receptionist form. �Are you for Pink?� [indent]�Or brown�� I replied, �it�s all good.� [indent]�Shush!� Mouse elbowed me aside and collected the tickets. The reception area of the Plymouth Pavilions was thronged with people, mostly women� mostly women with short spiky haircuts, comfortable shoes and holding hands with other women. �Pink is a big gay icon,� Mouse disclosed as we browsed the tee-shirts (at �20 a throw). It looked like I was going to swap the football for some girl-on-girl action, it could have been worse; it could have been Elton John. �������� [indent]A curious buzzing in my pocket meant that, for once, my mobile was ringing. It was my best mate Nick. �All right you f*****g gay!� He said by way of salutation. [indent]�All right you beef pie,� I replied in similar fold. [indent]He then went on to complain that he was stuck onboard a ship off the coast of Belize, waiting for Hurricane Dean to hit so that the Royal Navy could dash in and carry out some humanitarian aid. It�s all right for some. [indent]�So what you up to you nosh bag?� He asked. [indent]�I�m just waiting to go into see Pink in concert at the Pavilions-� My mouth clamped shut suddenly. You know those times when you say something before fully engaging your brain? Well� [indent]I could hear him laughing all the way from the Caribbean. �You f*****g hom! You know the footie is on, don�t you?� [indent]�Yes.� [indent]�Queer.� [indent]�I know�� Undoubtedly Nick would already be texting and emailing all known Naval contacts to advise them of my gayness at attending a Pink concert. News travels in the Royal Navy, you know. [indent]�Right you horse knob, got to go � send me an email.� [indent]�Will do.� I sighed, tucked my mobile away and sauntered over to the bar where Mouse was buying me a commiserative beer. [indent]My phone buzzed again: [indent]Msg from Robbie: [i]Hom![/i] [indent]Plastic-cupped flat beer in hand, we wandered into the arena where people were babbling, jostling, bouncing (for some strange reason) and spilling beer. We found a fairly good vantage point from where we could see the stage and I checked the footie score on my phone; the game was 2 minutes old. [indent][b]2002 hrs: England 0-0 Germany � Come one England![/b] [indent][b]Msg from Twiggy:[/b] [i]Queer! Get down the pub.[/i] [indent]The warm up act were a chirpy 4-piece from Dublin called The Coronas who were exceptionally good, truth be known: (www.myspace.com/coronaband). The singer, halfway through their set advised us that we could download their music and I made a mental note to do so (well, he didn�t say legally�). They lasted about 45 minutes and were well received by a jubilant crowd. They were also on the end of a screaming ovation for their final piece and although good as it was, I couldn�t help but think that the crowd were cheering because The Coronas were leaving the stage which meant Pink was on her way. I would have loved the lead singer to have shouted, �Right well, we�re going now because you don�t really care and you�re only cheering to get us off the stage. F**k you Plymouth!� But he didn�t, which was a shame. I made a mental note to do this when I became a rock start. I made a further mental note to start learning an instrument (other than the pink oboe). [indent]Before long, the crowd started to chant/scream �We want Pink! � We want Pink!� which was funny because it put me in mind of a film I�d recently downloaded from the internet. (Something about teenage cheerleader tryouts or something; I couldn�t really follow the plot). [indent]Well, we only had to wait another 45 minutes or so before more onstage activity could be seen. Most of that time was taken up by my checking the England Germany score, ignoring uncouth messages disputing my sexuality on my mobile phone and watching two fit young ladies decide to display their rather obvious affections for each other. Now that�s a freedom of expression I�m all for. Mouse sighed and made waving motions in front of my face, �if you�re going to drool, hold you pint underneath your chin, it�s going all down your shirt.� [indent]�Wednesday�� I replied. [indent][b]2029 hrs: 1-0 to England, Frank Lampard � Get in my son![/b] [indent][b]Msg from Leggy:[/b] [i]You f****n� bender![/i] [indent][b]Msg from Ewan:[/b] [i]Haha wot r u doing at a concert? We just scored!![/i] �������� [indent]It seemed that Nick had been busier than I thought� [indent]As expected, the crowd went wild the moment a fat roadie shuffled onto the stage. �1-2-1-2. 2-2.1-1-2-1�� [indent]Personally, I�d have milked the crowd for all they were worth but the miserable sod didn�t even bother to wave, which was a shame. I made a mental note to do that when I became a roadie. [indent]The band arrived on stage, stumbling around in the darkness, searching for their instruments and tripping over the Heath & Safety nightmare that was the sound cables. And then� finally�suddenly� [indent]�Hello Plymouth!� She was there, a tiny girl with a shock of short blonde hair, attired in combat pants and crop top, waving and springing around the stage. [indent]My ears crackled as the vocal range of Plymouth�s lesbian population reached crescendo. Pink launched straight into a dazzling version of �U and Ur Hand� which had the audience bouncing like a fleet of girl hungry space hoppers. I couldn�t help but bounce along, largely for fear of being trampled to death by several thousand pairs of kitten heels if I didn�t. It struck me as strange that the chorus of her first song was �I�m not here for your entertainment�, strange because I thought that that was exactly why she was here; still� who am I to pick fault? �������� [indent][b]2114 hrs: Germany equalise 1-1 � bugger.[/b] [indent][b]Msg from Smudge:[/b] [i]Why aren�t U in the pub watching us stuff the krauts? U big girl�s blouse.[/i] [indent][b]Msg from Smudge:[/b] [i]Forget that, they�ve just scored.[/i] [indent]The place was rocking and I couldn�t help but be caught up in it. Pink proved to be an effervescent and lively persona, indefatigable in her bounding and darting about onstage. A singing squash ball. I knew most of the songs but few of the words, unlike Mouse who appeared to have digested the sleeves of all her CD covers, words and all. [indent][i]Get the Party Started[/i] gave way to [i]Most Girls[/i] and [i]Trouble [/i]slid into [i]Just Like a [/i]Pill and rolled onto [i]Who Knew [/i]and so on. A few more tracks from her new album brought the crowd to their knees (metaphorically, I�m sad to say) before launching into the soulful [i]Mr President [/i]and [i]Family Portrait[/i]. After surprising us all with a rendition of the 4 Non Blonde�s hit [i]What�s Going On?[/i], Pink threw us over her knee and spanked us with the likes of [i]I�m Not Dead [/i]and [i]God is a DJ.[/i] [indent]To be fair it was a thoroughly entertaining set and I was enjoying it immensely. [indent][b]2133hrs: Germany score again 1-2 � f**k my old boots![/b] [indent][b]Msg from Smudge:[/b] [i]And again.[/i] [indent][b]Msg from Robbie:[/b] [i]We are s**t.[/i] [indent]The stage went dark. The final part of Pink�s act consisted of an acrobatic turn suspended by two long ribbons that hung from the ceiling. The aerial tissu were lowered and a voice boomed out across the stage. �Due to the dynamic nature of Pink�s routine she will not be using any safety wires to spot her performance therefore, taking into account all associated risks, we ask that you refrain from using any flash photography whatsoever during this potentially dangerous segment. Thank you.� Gradual soft backlighting of the stage revealed Pink, arms outstretched and suspended high above the stage. Her arms were wrapped in the long silks that held her an almost crucifix position. Again the crowd freaked out, it was all quite impressive. From her elevated position she belted out a stunning version of [i]Leave Me Alone (I�m Lonely)[/i] whilst twisting and contorting and spinning and� God knows how she didn�t blow chunks right there and then. The crowd were jubilant, hands in the air, jumping and singing. [indent]This is great, I thought, completely caught up in the moment. I brought out my mobile phone, thumbed the lens cover and raised it to eye level. �This�ll be a great shot!� I shouted to Mouse as I depressed the shutter button. �We can use it as a screen saver on the PC.� [indent]Mouse opened her mouth in a slow motion nooooooooo� [indent][size=18][color=red]Wumph![/color][/size] [indent]For some reason and on that instant only, never to be repeated, the flash on my Sony Ericsson K800i appeared to conjure the explosive power of ten thousand suns. It was like ten of those old 19th century photographer�s hand held magnesium flash powder devices going off all at once. [indent]�My eyes!� Pink reeled suddenly in the aerial tissu, clasping a hand to her face. �My beautiful eyes!� [indent]There was a sudden and rather worrying [i]ziiiiip[/i] as the silks snaked wildly from her arms and Pink began to spin, unroll and then cartwheel. [indent]There was the briefest moment of silence as the crowd drew breath and Pink pin-wheeled through the air and then� [indent][size=18][color=red]Whaap![/color][/size] [indent]The crowd, as one, screamed. [indent]I palmed the mobile phone into my pocket and adopted the same look of perplexity as everyone else, even casting a furrowed brow to the guy on my right. [indent]People ran onto the stage. [indent]The roadie shuffled back and forth. [indent]�Oh God�oh my God� I think her neck is broken�� [indent]�Jesus Christ!� [indent]�Holy s**t, someone get an ambulance.� [indent]�Who the f**k was that with the flash photography?� [indent]I turned to Mouse and rubbed my nose. �I think the bar is still open, fancy a pint?� [indent][b]2150hrs: Final score England 1-2 Germany.[/b] Photobucket Taken from [u][color=violet]www.pinkspage.com[/color][/u]: [color=violet]Due to unforeseen circumstances the following dates for Pink�s 2007 �I�m Not Dead Tour� have been cancelled�[/color] 14 Nov - Brighton, UK����������������Brighton Centre 16 Nov - Dublin, Ireland��������Point Theatre 17 Nov - Belfast, NI����������������Odyssey Arena 18 Nov - Belfast, NI����������������Odyssey Arena 20 Nov - Aberdeen, UK����������������Aberdeen Exhibition & Conference Centre�
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Music courtesy of... Pink.... (who else?)

© 2018 HoWiE


Author's Note

HoWiE
Ok... I might have made some of that up...

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Hahaha � I feel bad for you as I was comfortably watching the game that night (I was rooting for both teams together since I was born in Belgium and thus was stuck between the two of you). I noticed there was music mixed in this piece � I admit, I did not dare turn on my speakers � I like Pink when it ends with Floyd but without the Floyd � aaaaargggh � the things we do out of love � last year I watched Titanic with my wife � yes � the whole thing � took me two bottles of red wine! Do you know that I still have nightmares? Suggestion to James Cameron for a possible remake: when he says 'I'm the king of the world' have him fall overboard and as he hits the freezing water you hear him say d****t! And then he hits the propeller and he gets mangled up (in the unrated version you see all the gore; in the PG version you just cut to a happy scene were people smile and such) � now here is the thing � because of this most unfortunate accident the boat got slightly thrown of course and eventually misses the iceberg and everyone lived happily ever after (except that one guy who got mangled -I dare not speak his name-) --- anyway � think positive mate � she could have dragged you to the Backstreet Boys :)

Posted 12 Years Ago


5 of 5 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Congrats on your great winning story

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

[send message][befriend] Subscribe
.
Lol, you do have a GREAT sense of humor
And it sucks about friends who goes on with telling us we're gay xD i go through that often too lol
And i know how it feels to miss England and Germany hhahahaha
I love the end, like almost all of your stories .. with unexpected funny endings
Very well penned
and great write
Love it
~~Kavish~~

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

dude I was literally laughing out loud at this one. I love stories where the characters have a sense of humor apart from the comedy of the piece. well written and funny straight up to the end. as a straight american male, though, I find the death of any hot lesbian very saddening. good thing this is fiction.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

What a funny story. This was brilliant, and very well written

Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Brilliant! Thoroughly enjoyable story even though you may be a hom for going to her concert and not watching football.


I'm going to be hated for saying this, but since I was born in Germany... Go Deutschland!

Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

LMFAO this was too funny! I never actually blinded a musician I did grope and feel a few of them up though ^_^ an enjoyable read

Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I love it. You killed off PINK! Who love BTW! Amazing write I liked the way you put in the text from your mates as well as watching the show. Great! XX

Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I think it's time you paid Britney Spears a visit.

Great write Howie...I like you put us right there with you. I'm still laughing LOL

take care :)

Posted 12 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Flashing Pink were we? The mind boggles.



Posted 12 Years Ago


3 of 3 people found this review constructive.

This is very well written. I was really into the concert there and enjoyed reading about the songs performed...then came the shocker. haha. Thank you, your story took me away and entertained me immensely. I just said to myself the other day that I need to get myself one of Pink's CDs. I'm happy she is alright and will enjoy those royalties since most people download. hehe. A delightful read!

Posted 12 Years Ago


3 of 3 people found this review constructive.


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Added on March 17, 2008
Last Updated on August 28, 2018
Tags: Pink, music, pop, concert, disaster, comedy, bullshit

Author

HoWiE
HoWiE

Plymouth,, Devon, United Kingdom



About
Well, I'm back - it only took 8 years to get over my writer's block! Now 47, older, wiser and, for some reason, now a teacher having left the Armed Forces in 2012. The writing is slow going but .. more..

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