The Loneliness

Inspired by my best friend and his friendship. We will be there for you always.

He closed his eyes to sleep. Trilafon and Elavil weren’t just enough to put him to sleep. He twisted in bed. Every time he closed his eyes, the image of Pratil and his last words haunted him. “You are a maniac. You can’t expect me to be with you every time. I have other friends, other world. And you are not the only one I ever need” his voice ringed in his ears. He felt like something hit his eyes. He cried out loud. Tears wet his shirt.

“Can you hear me Varun? Just stay with me” the voice of Doctor he mildly heard. But it wasn’t enough for him to open his eyes. He shut it even harder. His hands began to shake. He felt as if something hard has been shoven into his mouth. Tremors increased. So did choking. He felt the sensation of tingling everywhere. “Hm Hm” he kept mouthing. It took hours for the doctor to settle him down with tranquilizers and antidepressants.

Doctor looked at his case history for ‘n’th time " “Clinical depression with agoraphobia” it read. “Strange case” Doctor thought. Fear of rejection is a common disorder. Rejection of love is the usual case. Sometimes isolation from family was the case. But Varun had a very happy family " a loving mom and dad. Now this wasn’t a love story either. He had never fallen for a girl. However, possessiveness is a strange love too.

Varun had loved his friend Pratil so dearly. Just like any other friendships, they had gone for a movie together, they had always had lunch together and roamed out on roads. The world had grown jealousy of their love and care for each other. Varun never liked to share his things with any. That’s when they had started to fall apart when he insisted Pratil to be with him and only him every time. More than any lover could, Varun gave it all for Pratil. Even too much of love becomes a compulsive disorder. They had split apart. There wasn’t a single day Varun hadn’t cried to bed. Now for a boy, it definitely is strange.

 He couldn’t even enjoy the warmth of friendship his dear friends were ready to offer. He felt lonely. Soon his loneliness was replaced by emptiness. Rapid loss of weight, decreased sleep, worthlessness, diminished ability to concentrate and recurring thoughts of suicide just followed. That put him in St.Antony’s Hospital for around two weeks. Nothing has changed.

Doctor even arranged for PsychoDramas to let him enact those last few days with Pratil and the incidents that happened. It always ended up with the same Pratil’s dialogue of “You are not the only one I ever need” and throwing the clone ring which Varun had presented him for Christmas on to his eyes. The pain returned and his depression worsened. But amidst all, he never hated Pratil even a single day.

That morning was different for him. Not the usual exercise, play therapy or pharmacotherapy was on the list. He had a visitor scheduled. Neetu. Neetu was his best friend at high school. She had so much of love and care for Varun, which he neglected at lot of times, citing Pratil as the reason. She had nevertheless stopped being his friend. He knew he could still pick up the phone and call her at any time just to feel better. But the depression episode had made him completely forget her. He regretted on that.

She knocked in with a “Hey hero” and her usual smile. Suddenly he felt something strange. The beam of love he hadn’t had in years and the voice of a Non-Hospital person made him feel better. She sat by his side and spoke to him of their old days. He suddenly remembered how he was loved once by his friends and how he had not picked up with them. He remembered them being there for him even when he was not in good state of mood. He felt a mix of guilt and joy. She left saying a bye and handing over a gift.

He opened it up as she closed the door. He found a pair of earphones he had long wanted. He realized how stupid he had been over the years that he had even thrown up his favorite hobby and passion for music. He plugged it in his ear and for the first time in years he smiled. Emptiness was replaced by love and passion. He became excited of the possibilities of getting back to work and coming home evening to plug it in his ear, of being outside the hospital and being able to live back again like normals. For the first time, he slept without tranquilizers and a haunting dream.