Sunshine

Spoken word

The sun shines.
In todays blue sky.
"Come out and play" he says ,
"come out and play."

I lay inside my comfort zone which - just to say- is four black walls.
Everyday he says this ,
Everyday i stay.
Stay here where the air is stale and the bed is stained ,
From the countless nose bleeds i have given to myself,
Banging my head against brick walls as if i banged for long enough the answers would be revealed.
They never are.

An addiction swims through my veins ,
Poisoning hope , love and emotion
Stinging decency , biting beauty,
Every day injecting deadly venom that is my depression deep into my wounds.
So that my scars'll never heal ,
Picking cuts as if they were flowers ...
Cutting skin .. Just like paper.

I havent eaten in days..
My stomach screams ,
But i have heard screams more shattering ,
So i ignore its melancholy pleas.

I do not deserve happiness.
I do not deserve peace.

I have Sinned sins more sinuous than the devil himself.
The devil is my best friend.
He comes here every night ,
And tells me what to do.

Sanity reads normallity
Normallity reads sanity.
F**k sanity.
Sanity is just another lie.
A merciless trapdoor awaiting to be discovered.
-------------------------------
The sun shines.
In todays blue sky.
"Come out and play" he says ,
"come out and play."

Everyday goes the same -
Same boy 
Same voice.
Same thoughts.
-------------------------------
i lay still .
Breathing slowly .
As quietly as possible.
I check the time on my alarm.
9:42 .
He is late.
This throws me for an unknown reason.
I wait an hour.
Then two.
Then three.
Hes not coming.
A single tear runs down my cheek.
I check my pulse.
Concentrating .
On.
The.
Steady.
Paced.
Beating.
Of.
My.
Poisoned.
Unable.
Heart.
. . . 
My. Blood.
Toxic - so toxic.
Suddenly i want to get it all out of me ,
Every last disgusting drop.
I reach for the scissors.
The razor.
The knife.
Anything i can find.
My palms burn and sweat seeps from the creases in my body.
I grab the plastic handle of the carving knife and dig deep into my  thighs ,
A thigh turns to two ,
A stomach , a chest ,
Two wrists , 
A neck ,
Soon im cutting every inch of my disgusting obese body to shreds ,
Wishing the blood to be gone.
----------------------------------
The soft lullaby of a soft woman creeps up into my body ,
Causing a worrying calm to over take me ,
Onto my outsodes , into my insides.
I can feel volcanoes errupting ,
Earthquakes trembling ,
Tsunamis crashing ,
Hurricanes 
Typoons
Rain
Rain
Torrential rain.

And then a drought.
Dry.
Dry.
Dry.
I open my mouth to scream and when  no sound comes out.
I think maybe its coz i arent trying hard enough ,
Hard enough to breathe.
And maybe i should be trying.
Trying to breathe. 
Trying to eat without counting calories ,
Touch things without thinking "germs" ,
Talk without worrying what to say,
An abundance of positive thoughts conquer negativity.
And im alive again.
Its like ive being re-born.
I want to get up and kiss everybody and thank them for my life.
But i cant.
Because im hooked up to this machine that buzzes and beeps everytime my heart leaps.
So i lay still and i smile.
And i appreciate these new eyes i have being blessed with.
I appreciate all that has existed and is still - to this day- existing.

Headfirst.
I.
Fall.
In.
To. 
Love.
Fall so deep in love...ill never be able to climb back out.
Thankful ,  i drift back off to sleep
And i dream of being someone.
I dream of beauty.
And its the best dream ive had in my life.
And now its my reality.

Author's Note

Critique me guys !!