And This Love...

And this love was not the quick kind

Nor the drink of cheaper wine

Of lovers stricken blind

 

It was the champagne in the sips

Snuck by the cracks of time

Until you burned inside my swallow

Kisses never mine

 

And it was this tender crushing of my back

Like shoulders bent to snap

Like crunching in my spine

 

That chiseled all these hollowed cracks

Within my bridled sighs

 

And when these lacy fingers seeped

Like icy creatures bravely creep

Around my waist; forget to breathe

 

Double-fisted hands you shoved

Into my stomach; reach

And pull these wiry tendons

I forbid all men to keep

 

And it was this love so deep and aching

Like teeth jarred and breaking

Like freezing in my sleep

 

That caused this marrow scraping

To leave me empty boned and weak

Reviews

[Nigel Newman]

Hi there. I have enjoyed reading this - now 3 times. However, I'm blowed if I understand it! But there are some wonderful phrases throughout. It feels like a sinister perhaps even abusive "love", but it could be taken several ways.

BTW I also paused on the 'long to creep' but it's actually right grammatically because it's the icy tendons which long to creep.

You have some wonderful and quite subtle rhyming in here.

Regards
Nigel

[Inkh(e)art]

Ah thank you so much for the review! I'm glad to know you liked it. This poem can be taken multiple ways, but my original intention was to write about an unrequited love. Someone slowly falling in love with another person without the other party realizing it until it becomes something painful. Also thank you for commenting about that line haha. If it reads funny to other people (even if it is grammatically correct) then I might try to think of a replacement for it.

[mattavelli]

Hey, it reads off to me too, a bit ambiguous. Maybe that was the intent. As is, the fingers moved, not with longing, but the way creatures long. a bit too much of a metaphorical stretch for me to read through smoothly. Overall, I think the phrasing is lovely.

[Inkh(e)art]

Ah gotcha. Would using the word "yearn" make more sense then? Or would it need to be a different word with a different meaning in order to make sense? The term "icy creatures" is referring to someones cold hands wrapping around someone. I wanted to show that there was an element of desiring or wanting to do so

[mattavelli]

The issue is the verb form. To suggest desir'ing and want'ing, you'd want a progressive "ing" verb - longing or yearning would fit. However, that extra syllable on the verb wouldn't work with the rhythm of the line. So, my suggestion is to keep the verb as one syllable and clarify it another way, such as:
'Like icy beasts that long to creep'
Or
' And having lacy fingers cling
Like winter's need to grasp the spring'

[Inkh(e)art]

Would replacing it with an adverb make more sense?
Eg. Like icy creatures slowly creep (not saying I'm using slowly. Just as an example)

[mattavelli]

Sure, I think it fits nicely in the phrasing.

[emipoemi]

.................wow!............

this is fantastic. Love the flow, love the musicality, love the imagery and narrative. I can't admit to having understood "long to creep", though....did you intend to say "longING to creep"? that actually mars the musicality a bit, but saying "long to creep" doesn't quite make as much sense as it may appear. Absolutely well done, though!! ¡Maravilloso!

[Inkh(e)art]

Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I always appreciate your input. I am, however, very fond of the way that sentence is worded. I was using the word “long” in the sense of “desire” or “yearn”. I don’t quite see how using “longing” would cause the line to make more sense. I’m happy you liked it otherwise though!

[emipoemi]

It's a grammatical matter, is all

[emipoemi]

you may be right.....just saying at first read, it seems like it should read "longing"