Sweet Child of Mine!

Staring into my little girl's eyes,

Wishing her all the kindness,

All the love and caring,

But feeling nothing but nothingness.

Sitting in darkness when there is light all around,

No sound, no feeling, no joy,

When my world is filled with laughter and fun,

On the outside but emptiness on the inside.

Moving through the motions of motherhood,

Covering up the pain with fake smiles,

Listening to others telling me how lucky I am,

When I feel nothing inside.

Blessed to have two beautiful children,

A pigeon pair,

Chubby, smiling, giggling, happy,

All I feel is nothingness.

Looking at life through foggy eyes,

Spiralling in darkness,

No joy, no happiness, no love,

Only sadness and loneliness.

How can you be so glum and lonesome?

How can you feel so empty with two beautiful children?

With a loving and supportive husband?

Why do I feel so alone?

Postnatal depression ripped me apart,

No connection to my new little girl,

My perfect little girl,

And her toddler big brother.

No mothering in my heart or soul,

Not wanting to be a mother,

Not wanting to die for them,

Just an empty, painful existence! 

Author's Note

I suffered from PND after my second child. 13 years later, I can finally put it down in words.

Reviews

[Chris Shaw]

What an awful experience for you to go through. So pleased to read from your notes that it was 13 years ago. It must have completely spoiled the whole joy of having a new baby, replacing it with emptiness and sadness. You describe those low feelings so well in your writing. Hope you got plenty of support. Thank you for posting. All good wishes.

Chris

[Josephine New]

Thank you, Chris, for your kind words. Yes, I did get the support I needed. Sadly, I still feel I don't connect with my daughter like my two boys. Maybe it is a mother/daughter thing. She is very similar to me.