Simulated Death

I wrote this when I was on a comedown from Mirtazapine. Written: 03.01.2015

Mind too stiff to write

Vision smudged

Senses all folding in on each other

I can't sit up, can't stop swaying

Thoughts try to collect under piles deep

Of sludge and tar and stale dreams

Why does my scolding tea sip cold?

I'm chilled to touch but slick with sweat

Hands jitter as I attempt

To document the aftermath of last night

There was no party, no people - just me

Alone in my room, pills pushed

Straight out of their jackets

Self-poisoning is the correct term but

I prefer to call it nap-time

Because once swallowed I'll sleep for days

Slide in and out of consciousness

Dance with dreams

Moan in agony, when choked by reality

Take me back, drag me under

I never want to wake this slumber

I never want to leave my bed

I'd rather live right here instead

My own simulated death

My cave under the covers

Nothing exists here, nothing is real

The people I cut and tortured

The people I slaughtered

All gone

Only I exist

But of course I never get lonely

With ten thousand worlds to explore

There could be more - I've never counted

Just let the haze push me from one planet

To the next

Interstellar explorer, without a helmet

Nothing can hurt me

No god can touch me

I live in the past,present,future-

Wherever

Every dimension, every parallel universe

You'll find me,

But you'll never catch me

I'll tread dreams for all eternity

Until reality punctures-

My galaxy evaporates

I cocoon numb hands, try to catch it

But it's gone

Parted ways, into the atmosphere

I try to mourn it but already I

Can't remember why I'm upset

I thought I woke up this morning, but it was

Only a dream.