White

English coursework

White disinfectant drips down the walls of this jail; exerts its poisonous ideals into our supposedly thick skulls. Not just any kind of white. That white; blinding bright nasty cold harsh white, bleaching everything in sight and killing any sense of individuality and sanity. I am sane. I AM SANE. My brain is perfectly fine thank you very much; how dare you analyse me like a piece of meat, as if I were a white sheep being herded into a dirty grey field, whipped and contained ready for eating.

White.

Eating; what is that? The unnecessary function within life that chips away at my very existence; reverses my beautifully carved in stomach and the taught white skin that frames my delicate bones that are fighting their way to be seen and loved so tenderly. My calcium soulmates love me and love them for I have nothing else to love.

White. White.

“Love yourself for who you are” the incestious phrase that my illogical therapist seems to ram down my throat repeatedly along with those acrid yellow horse pills that squirm and worm their way internally into my system. They’re a constant reminder that I’m supposedly ill; I’m not ill, the ridiculous notion of such a comment makes me feel faulty and worthless. I am faulty and worthless but I’m determined to attain perfection, my goal weight of 35kg will be the day I will be perfect, but until then, I shall punish myself due to the disgust that feels my heart when I see myself in that mirror or when I realise I have gone 50 calories over my daily limit of food.

White. White. White.

“Food is your friend; don’t treat it like your enemy.” They’re out to get me. When I first arrived they would grapple for me and pump me full of sickening and fear inducing calories. They were winning and I couldn’t let them do that; their dark eyes full of intense hatred for my so called ‘stubborn’ attitude.They’re out there, I’m telling you now, out there to get me and restrain me with  those large needles they like to repeatedly plunge into my royal blue veins filled with anguish and hate.

White. White. White. White.

Hate? I hate this yes. In matter of fact, I am 35kg. 35kg is too much, I can’t handle this, help, someone please help, save me from these monstrous instruments that harm me so, save me from these poisons that infect me and savage my body. “You’re going to die” they say “You’re very poorly” and oh how they weep and oh how they cry with those salt ridden tears that filthy their squalid faces and oh how they don’t understand about how night after night those nightmares that reoccur. His repulsive, heavy breath in my ear that smelt so repulsively of 45p beer and 30 a day roll ups; the crinkled leathered face creased in delight at his actions and the eyes that scream at  me with red rimmed pupils so intense and … unearthly. “Could you please maybe say that again? For the tape?”

“Say what again?”

White. White. White. White. White.

“Again, your weight has decreased too rapidly this week, are you not drinking the shakes we are giving you? We will put you on a drip again.” Too this too that, I am too weak to keep fighting against their will anymore. Sleep is no friend of mine. Food is no friend of mine. You are no friend of mine. He was no friend of mine; I am not sick. It’s his poison.

White. White. White. White. White. White …

Poison and white. I just see white. But it’s a pretty white you know? Oh so pretty … in fact beautiful. Not like a white I have seen before - it’s clouding my eyes. Great big fluffy white happiness finally taking me away from the humming mass of dirty black poison that was inked into my body by … him. I’m away, so far away now, away from my body that I kept so elegantly thin that people were repulsed that they wouldn't want to be near me or … touch me. My prayers have been answered and I’m fading away so softly on this beautiful white velvet that is rescuing me so bravely from this vile hell hole. No more me. No more you. You’re being rescued from my grasp of self-destruction and self-obsession that annoys the hell out of you. But this is my white.

Author's Note

I'm trying to be subtle but not too subtle? Want people to understand the subject matter and understand what I'm trying to get across