The Beginning (Of the end?)

The soul shattering feeling of being a newly single individual in a world full of couples and insta-romances.

It was the beginning, chapter one of my newly single life. 

Staring at the blank Apple Mac screen in front of me I began to type, my tears held back by an ever growing ego. 

So far, my twenties haven't been easy - rather, they have been a continuous cycle of bad decisions and different boy's beds. Searching for SOMETHING. Searching for something raw and unforgiving. Foraging for meaning, in a desperate attempt to uncover the love of life in which poets express. Somewhere along the line, I lost myself amongst the up raw. 

You see, I am the type of lover, that loses myself in his eyes. 

I am the type of lover, that gives and keeps on giving until there is nothing of me left. 

I am the type of lover, that is disappointed when things are not as they seem through rose-tinted glasses. 

And just like the sun sets, slowly and then all of a sudden... He was gone. 

The familiar pain rips me apart limb from limb as I am once again left (alone) crying on my bedroom floor. 

The pressing fear of solitude is more than I can bare. 

Am I not enough? 

Am I not whole?

Why do I desire so the love and acceptance of another to guarantee my worth as a human on this earth?

Am I unlovable? 

Why did he hurt me?

Why do they always leave?

Why did my Dad leave?

Why did my Grandfather leave?

- This suffering must end one day - 

But when, I ask?

Perhaps it will be when I learn to value my own bones more than the bones of another. 

Perhaps it will be when I can look myself in the mirror and be proud of the woman that I am. 

The problem with being the owner of a larger than life heart is that it is easily damaged and easily worn. 

Nevertheless, despite the joy and the pain and the in-betweens - I will not give up on love. 

But today... I choose to love myself. 

Author's Note

An honest and raw piece of writing based on a recent chapter in my life.