A Reactive Mind

A moment in my mind: Pure, unedited thoughts. Sometimes inane, lacking intense vocabulary. A very sporadic, slightly OCD, anxious, all-business mind. Just to note.

A moment in my mind:

[A mute darkness hangs over, like the horizon line extended vastly before a straight view; Economics zoom meeting plays in the background which I loosely listen to--]

Sarcastically I roll my eyes, like there's any lesson I'll learn here today...I already met with the teacher...read the book -- That's all there is to the meetings information.

[Thoughts fade and mute; doubling on top of each other...where I least want to pull them out. 

I'm on a google doc editing all my YouTube history -- mostly music -- for the platform. After that I'll be making a sleep chart for the whole year of 2020 based on last video viewed times. I already have one for first semester in 2019. I can also make a mood and event chart based on choices, which I will not neglect to do, and some other charts, lists, and data plots. For my own personal interest, but none of that concerns me right now, my mind is a blank horizon between the twilit topics of Economics and YouTube Google Formatting]

[something catches my interest, entire minutes are passing in between, thoughtlessly...]

Hey...wait.......Note......That's actually interesting...........This is being helpful..........I should actually pay attention.

[I zone back into economics, going in and out, asking questions every once and a while; a shift behind my eyes appraising the teacher who I'd previously been disappointed, though charitably towards. Going back to YouTube, I make a mistake on different  two questions]

I flinch, I did that wrong. It was a simple mistake and I should've known the question but I wasn't paying attention -- anyone could have made it.

Besides, I'm...being a good student, asking questions (good questions), moving things along -- being a voice for the class....Nevermind it makes me feel inept when I get one response wrong

...I've gotten several other right....I'm volunteering (answers), I'm bound to make mistakes every once...in ten questions (I answer).

[A though hides under the surface, unwilling to shuffle through as I try to push them all away, not intending to feel grief over the question -- it isn't worth it]

(Elementary students [I want to be an elementary teacher]; Elementary student....the kids that are the most forward....extraverts....should be proud....ask many questions.......get some wrong, but they're extraverts....keep asking questions....(they) lead the class.....but they feel this)

(Be proud, like an elementary student, get over this...only way to lead...a class...good...citizen, student...)

[On a different note:] The teacher -- he didn't answer my question, not answering my question; move on, he's not going to answer it, he doesn't get it -- move on; help rest of class, they don't need to go over this (part)

[All the while I've been asking questions and maintaining, answering and replying where needed for the teacher to get along with the lesson. I have a vague knowledge of what my peers may also need and have questions on from prior experience. One student speaking up at the end sends a tirade of other voices, all agreeing with the particular question and a burst of more questions all unlikely to be answered and out of time. He doesn't cover the homework, nor does the book and it's all math based (untaught). There is no prerequisite.]

[My shameful thoughts a sporadic, things I don't have control of. If I keep them from coming out as thoughts, they begin to be boarder up as emotion which are dangerous -- as thoughts, they are not emotions and the underlining emotion line is weak. However, it is annoying and I hate it. I wish I didn't have to let out as many thoughts. I wish they didn't linger sporadically. None are significant or important.] 

[I dislike the sound of them, just an alarm bell dinging -- nothing else and then the blankness of my mind and space]

Yes, yes, that's good, I should be noting this. But I'm on YouTube noting and I'm not about to switch over to economic notes. 

It's like a living organism -- amazing, wholesome, all these little shift shift the whole body, not just independent parts, like one entity.

I like this, I'll need it for my future career in Anthropology, only, my future career is not in Anthropology....(it's in researching (alongside teaching too)...But how can I make sense of it??

I like the the thought of it, like money, a flow where it's all swimming out of life (a river) -- like math when it all makes sense. Power in numbers, nature. 

I'm struggling in music class, numbers, beats, measures...whatever -- I'll get it

I'll get it...

I'll get it all...

Where can I find Economic sources.......videos that are interesting....a lot of history...interesting.

I should ask the teacher....

He won't answer, not an in person class -- he doesn't know me.

Where can I find Economic sources....need to learn more...imagine charts...numbers are amazing, shift, control, account for everything...

A lot like percentages and statistics, I like percentages and statistics...

This is boring [pops across my mind as I do my YouTube notes editing. It's like the sun rising, something has peaked my interest and now the dull terrain is boring.]

I should ask the teacher for sources -- I won't -- I will...he won't answer, he doesn't know me, doesn't know I love them: love economics with a passion, like a TV comedy series...

I don't love economics right. Not like an economist -- like a nutritionist, like a researcher, like a passionate kid who does not love economics right, like an economist. I don't live numbers (economist do, I just love them; he won't understand; not many kids want economic resources, not many people keep track of that for others who don't wanna know for their career).

I don't trust/like this teacher. (I won't ask.)

I answered the question wrong, I am ashamed -- he doesn't think well of me, I did wrong. He thought I was a smart, proud student, now I'm dumb and trying to catch up in his mind. (I need his respect to get all the answers I need). No -- he doesn't think I'm dumb, I've answered enough right --

Maybe that question was ill placed, he'll think less of me, but this is good, I need this information...

He won't think ill of me --

Hush, hush, little pet, it's okay, he won't think wrong of you.

[I calm down near instantly.]

Hey, wait a minute, did I just call myself "little pet"? (Yes, yes I did.) Then I realize I call myself little pet when I'm referring to my anxieties; my reactivity, it act up a lot (too much, calling it out on that makes it behave a little).

[I refer to my insecurities (and impulsivity) as little pet; I like to view them as little hounds with sharp teeth and big growls, that I keep a leash on so they're voiced, but can't bite me. They're well fed so as not to sneak up on me, but kept away, so I'm safe.]

I'm pleased with the teacher today, I can I mention it was a good class today? Or would that be looked down upon, implying other classes weren't good (which they weren't), but I don't need to bring that up. It's normal to just say hey, it was a good class today. Or it was a good day. I could say have a nice weekend...instead. Any other phrasing; best phrasing? I'd like to encourage this to happen again (it was different, his teaching method, than prior times). There was a nice review. He deserves to know he did well, but how can I say it...

[Time passes and I still come back to this. Class ends.] 

I say something along the lines of "thank you, good bye", but I don't think the reaction was right. I sounded silly -- sounded wrong, somethings wrong. But nothings wrong. That was unusual, he's just not use to it...

I have a very reactive mind, I react to much. Everything in my body reacts, not everyone else is this reactive. But I don't mind. 

[My mind is now an illumination of flickering, different thoughts, different drifts, different intentions crossing. I have to go to my next class and thoughts flow more steadily for a while. More musical quality to them than the vast silence I'm use to, but there is still plenty of muted gaps. I let them spin around, shoot of the wall, and attack each other for a little while. They're stirring up emotions and furthering ideas. Some of that is a bad things, but I need to use them, process them, to build further. Everything is about the building, all the points of silence, all the points of vast sounds -- about the building. The building makes it okay that that's a hurricane or tornado. (I don't know where the stopping point is, when I can just sit on a step or ledge of the mental temples I build, but I know their is one and I'll reach it soon: years or not, but less than a decade!)

Author's Note

This is just for me to remember and laugh over my thoughts. I find them crazy and insane. Just their flow and pattern.