My Life, No This Life is Not Mine

A Story by Shanice

My testimony about how and why I live a surrendered life. Demons don't play so I decided I wasn't going to either.

I'm saved...I think. The demon that taunts my life is vicious. The very thought of having total freedom is beyond my scope. I often wonder what life would be like if this particular never entered in me. Took its resting place in my mind, my heart, it's invaded my thoughts I can't bear it. To think that I let them go to far, the thought that I willingly exposed and scarred this holy temple, a temple that doesn't belong to me all because of a feeling...a feeling that feels amazing a feeling that feels free, a feeling that I can't explain can't put them into exact words because there aren't any. Now the thing that I do know about demons is that when they know where it hurts or where there is a void, they know how to make you fill it. You see when they know a tactic is working, they'll keep using it again and again why? It's simple...they have no reason to change it. They don't need to because you keep falling for it. Now as for me, there is one, monstrous demon that as taunted me for a very long time. It's followed me their high school and in the first half of college. It changed the way I think, the way I live, the way I act, the way I feel...It's got me. It's a chief demon and I'm their prisoner. It's a calm tricky popular demon that no one knows it exactly a demon. It's filthy and because it's so foul, it's hard to convince people you are no longer dealing with it. This demon will make people look at you different;y, speak to you differently and treat you differently. You become disgusting in their minds and no matter how hard you try to convince them you are certain way, it will never happen. It's a tormentor. Since I was exposed it, I've looked at the idea of sex differently. Certain words and phrases instantly turn perverted..it's got my mind. I've watched people act certain ways in the videos and I find myself trying to imitate what they were doing and I would begin to do the same..it's got my actions. If I don't watch enough videos to fulfill my need my wants, if I get interrupted or distractions I get upset..It's got my feelings my emotions I become a totally different person. Once the moment is over, the need that I had is gone, everything goes silent..I'm completely still and every feeling I feel is negative.There's nothing but pity, confusion, tasteless, exhausted and then the demon goes away..without warning without a goodbye..it 's just leaves...what a jerk! Not even minutes later, I feel broken, lost, alone, afraid and then those feelings fade.. what a common rascal b*****d he is to come and go as he pleases! I have no more feelings life..I'm scared to think because I feel like I'm unworthy to think. I'm scared to breathe because every breath I take doesn't belong to me, I'm scared to move because I don't feel worthy to have the operation of my limbs. They're not mine anyway. All of this happens at night..now don't think it has never tormented me during the day because it has, but at night when I'm alone, when I can't see myself, I can't see my shadow, I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong because no one can see me. You know it's something about the light, the daylight that no matter where you go, it has a way of exposing stuff you can't couldn't see in the dark. You never heard anyone say "I'm afraid of the light"..because the truth I need the light to help me see in the darkness. I wake up the next morning not feeling like myself. I feel..normal..yes feeling normal for me is not feeling like myself. I feel..common..I drag, I don't smile when I get up or leave out the house, I usually have conversations with complete strangers but no..I almost hope nobody talks to me. I want everybody to be rude and ignore me because I feel like I don't deserve anything. Don't you ever let a demon make you think you don't deserve anything!!...Now throughout the day I feel this tug..I hear voices, still small voices, whispering "Repent"! Then while that voice speaks, I hear another voice saying "How many times you gonna repent? There is no need because you are going to it again. Don't waste your breath." Obviously I could distinguish the two voices because for one, all God has to say is one word in order for us to comprehend him. He doesn't have to explain anything especially when you willingly disobey Him. Secondly, God told David to forgive a man seventy times, even if they kept doing the same thing over and over again, God said forgive him. And other thing..oh yes what do you mean don't waste your breath? Breathing is not a wasteful thing nor is speaking. Nothing God gives is wasteful and it is a privilege that must be done knowing this breath, these words that I am about to speak don't belong to me so I must use it wisely. It was then I knew which voice to follow. Now God has a way of convicting you that isn't meant to make you feel condemned but because you feel so bad and helpless, you can't help it. But it all stops soon enough..he then starts reminding you of how much He loves you, and how your mind, body, soul, spirit all belongs to Him, and that the enemy lied to you..he can't hurt you no need to worry about him because He taken care of him and suddenly...that condemnation turns into gratefulness, and that gratefulness turns into tears, and those tears turn into rejoicing. All this happens while you are repenting, it happens after you repent, especially when you mean it. Saying things like "Forgive me God I'll never do it again" is partially lying...yes I said "Partially lying because you don't know if you will do it or not and if you so happen to slip, you just lied. God told us to just "Confess!" Tell Me what you did wrong, tell Me why I should forgive you. Don't act like you got it all together, tell Me the truth! And then turn from your wicked ways. Now from that moment of repentance, you feel great..you feel better, you feel like you're unstoppable...let me be honest with you..that's not good. That is temporary. If anything you are grateful. God doesn't dwell in our emotions or our feelings nor do we serve and obey Him based upon how we feel you know why? We change..our feelings change...and when you repent because you "feel" it's what you should do, the devil goes in for the kill again. It may not be that day or the day after but it will happen. It could be in the middle of worship or while you are studying the Word, you''ll feel those sudden urges or you might hear or see something that will trigger that urge and you are back where you're started. Don't get caught up in how you feel after you repent. Repentance is a change of mind not a change of feeling! It's believing and knowing what you did was wrong and you want it to be erased from the memory of God. Now remember, God is not obligated to forgive you...I know I lost of a lot of people with that one but hear me out. Yes, God does not have to forgive you but that doesn't mean you just don't repent. It's not because we have grace and that "God knows my heart" mess NO! He said " Come to me with boldness!" If you're bold enough to sin, be bold enough to repent, admit you were wrong. That's when God forgives you..when you confess your faults. In the beginning, I mentioned how demons have a way of changing and shaping your demeanor....well my God guess who can do it too? "Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you. No you can't, yes I can...Sorry I had a Annie moment but that's how I feel about this war against Satan. Satan can heal the sick..but God can do it better, Satan can raise the dead..but God can do it better...Satan can cast out demons oh that he can..but God (Que the church organ I feel like preaching) can do it better. Satan can love and forgive...oh no wait no he can't! Oh but God can and can do it much better than everyday. He can change the way you think and He will fill it with nothing but His word, He can change your actions and make them to be used for his glory, He can change the way you live and let it be a life that is pleasing in his sight. He can fill you up with his spirit so much that you can't help but feel abnormal..y'all I'm not normal! I got it bad!! All of this comes with a renewed mind and a new heart that only God can give if you ask Him. He can make it so that people what even believe the things you use to do and you know what? They don't even have to know. That's between you and God. Just tell them "I once was lost and now I'm found, I once was blind but now I see, and I know he'll do for you what He's done for me"...I don't know why I feel like singing today..anyway, you may be asking well "Why do I keep committing or feeling the urge to commit the same sin over and over again even after I repented and gave my life over to Christ?"' Remember when I mentioned chief demons? Yes, chief demons need to be cast out chiefly not wimpy. Now, the better question is "What demon are you letting control your mind and your thoughts and what are you will to do to make sure it will never return again?" Satan tries to control our minds because he can't touch our soul and our Spirit. So he decides to control the one thing that orchestrates our lives and that's our mind, our thoughts, our feelings. Don't ever just think that all you have to do is repent and Satan is gonna just stop messing with you. That's a lie and a half! He bothers you because you repented and you're saved and you've decided to live a surrendered life to God. You ever notice how Satan doesn't try to attack the world, he just does...that's because he can and he knows he can. Have you noticed to how when something bad happens in the world and everybody is quick to blame God and "How can God let this happen". Even the church starts blaming God for the problems and demons...nope no sir not at all. But have you also noticed when something amazing and miraculous happens, all the glory and praise goes to God? So yes Satan, He can do anything better than you and He's gonna make sure He gets the glory out of it all. I say all that to say this: you have to know for yourself why you keep sinning. The only way that can be revealed to you is through reading the Word so you can know who God is and what you should be praying for, praying and seeking comes next so you can get your answers. If you have to fast, fast..whatever you have to do but you must do something. Don't let that demon become a chief like I did. Don't keep repenting for temporary change. Cast those demons out for good! It's become clearer to me that the only reasons demons taunted me is because I let them...I guess I kind of wanted them to. I didn't want to lose those moments because it felt so good. I was filling void that only God can fill and He has filled it. He's filled it with His love, His joy, His grace and mercy and nothing but Him dwells there. There shouldn't be "struggles" or "slip-ups" or "relapses" in Him when God said "I am your God and beside thee there is no other." There is no weakness in God so therefore there shouldn't be any in you. Stop saying "I'm so unworthy Lord, I don't deserve it" when He "counted us worthy" and if he didn't think we deserved to be here, He would have made His return already. You belong to God so now, walk in His ways and His promises. "Your life is no longer your own, His hand is changing me over now.." here I go again with the song lyrics...but it's true. There truly is "no other life that I'd rather live". Now I know what life is without having this demon rested in my mind..Life's full of goodness, life's full of abundance and overflow, life's full of precious thoughts and peaceful dreams, life's filled with unspeakable joy, life's filled with undeniable love and favor, life's filled with happiness, life's filled with the ability to love, regardless, life's about forgiving and everyone that wants forgiveness, life's about "turning the other cheek", life's about persecution and troublesome moments...am I depressing you yet about this kind of life? I hope not because I'm not done...life's filled with blessings, life's about dealing with mean, hateful, cussing people, some may be church people...I'm not getting into that one let me move on...Life's not about compromise, life's about commitment and real dedication, this life gives the total freedom...my life, this life's is not mine...

Oh and please be advised: A life with Jesus will make you have random moments of laughter, unspeakable joy and happiness and constant smiling, hugging and worshiping so don't be alarmed. It just means you are living the life He intended for you to have and the gates of hell can't keep you from it. *Insert your laugh, a smile or side smirk. Feeling fancy? Slide in a praise break...He deserves it all.

*Songs quoted during the creation of this testimony:

Anything You Can Do, I Do Better by Annie

What He's Done by Martha Munizzi

My Life is No Longer My Own by Pastor Tamara Bennett, TIP Ministries