The Love I Let Go

A Story by Shanice

Every girls dream is to find her prince charming, or better want him to find her. We want to be believe that the fairy tale story of Cinderella is are real but it's not. Now, you may have mean, twisted and overly pompous step sisters and an evil, witch stepmother that treats you like the scum of the earth, like Cinderella did but..you won't have a fairy godmother that comes and transforms you from this ugly duckling to a beautiful princess and wist you away to the ball so you can dance and fall in love with the prince. I know it's sad that our troubles can't be washed away with a magic but the reality is, Cinderella's troubles were still her troubles once the clock strike 12. Yes, she had a night to remember that no one knew about but she and the prince that fell in love with her but yet, she never made advances towards after that night because she was afraid he was gonna find out who she really was, a maid. He searched the town for her, the love of his life, while she was willing to let him go. Though it was a "Happily ever after", the idea that she was willing to let him go all because she didn't want him to find out who she really was is not so..unhappily. Well, that's the story of my life...I was always this nice, quiet and timid girl that never really opened myself up to a lot of people. I say with confidence, I know longer am that same girl, I'm still a nice girl but I'm a lot wiser and more head strong than I was in high school. During that time, I focused on my studies and worried getting the hell out of high school. God knows I couldn't stand that part of my life but I made it through. I do wish I could have done more in high school that could have stabilized my future a lot more but hey, it is what it is. Can't change the past right? Wrong. I can't change high school but I have the ability to change something, I can. Anyway, I wasn't very social in grade school. Parties, clubs, stuff like that never really interested. I can say that I had friends in all through elementary, middle and high school but none of them, with the except of one, I saw myself befriending after I finished the 12th grade. Something changed in me after I graduated and it was for the better. The guys that I was interested in during high school I look at now and say to myself "What in the natural hell was I thinking?" Now I do admit there was this one guy in elementary school that I was really attracted to and I just knew it liked me. He probably did but didn't say anything. Maybe because we were in the sixth grade and he was kind of a nerd and so was I, so that nerd to nerd ratio wasn't really sparking nothing. As for today, he has a girlfriend and they seem to be in love...bull! That was young, YOUNG love and at that time, boys were still gross to me. Today, they're not gross to me anymore. Some are just immature, womanizing, overly confident disgusting low lives that couldn't tell their penis from their elbow...but they're not gross at all. Now but to the matter at hand, a little over a year ago, I decided to embark on the journey of dating. Since no guys would approach me in public, I decided to go to the deep darkest part of me and pursue something that I always said I would never do..online dating. Yes, I said..I did it and let me tell you..I will not for as long as I live, online date ever again. The amount of perverts that sent me messages, pictures and comments I can even number. A vast majority were either younger than I was with no jobs, no car and no sense or twice my age with a job, a car, kids and still no sense. All I'm saying is your status or your accomplishment don't make you mature, wisdom does. But, out of all the guys I met online, there was this one guy, which I'll give him the alias "Gentle Soul", that I was really attracted to..or so I thought. He had all of the qualities that I was looking for at the time and I said to my self "Self, this could be it." He was tall, "dark" and handsome. He had all the qualities of the potential "Mr Right" and I wanted to know more. Well, we exchanged number and from our very first conversation, I knew...this was NOT going to last very long. He talked and talked and I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I don't know if it was because he was nervous but that became a strike one for one. In the midst of him flapping his gums, he did manage to let me speak and it did seem as though he was listening. He constantly complimented me, saying how beautiful I was and how I had the prefect smile and also how I had "great grammar". God if that wasn't a turn-on simply because he did too!! We would talk and text back and forth constantly on the phone and now, it's time for our first date together. Now, mind you this was my first everything, date, first guy I was attracted to so you know I was nervous. We went to the movies and through all of my nervousness, there was always this little voice I heard in the back of my head saying that I was going about this entire thing the wrong way. Obviously, I ignored that voice but its funny how when ever I heard this voice, it was when I was with Mr Gentle Soul. I would revert back to the voice when I was alone but I never heard it as clearly. So now, the movie is over and we are talking and walking about to our cars and now, I find myself laughing, blushing and completely fallen but with a conscious telling me to end it today. We start talking about church and our relationships with God when all of a sudden, an invisible cinder block hit me on my head when he tried to "rebuke" me for attending a fellowship he wasn't very fond of. Now, imagine the pissed look on my brain, not my face because I was still too nervous to show any other expression than happiness. Now, I know everybody is entitled to their own opinion and judgement, but to me, no body has the right to criticize no one in the body of Christ, especially if you are calling on the name of Jesus just like they are. No matter how you feel about a leader in the body of Christ, "being about my Father's business" doesn't mean you judge your spiritually brothers and sisters in the process. My blood was boiling but my love struck behind went along with it. Towards the end of the night, he kissed me, which he didn't know at the time was my first kiss, and then I left and went home. Right when I got home, I blocked it...that's right I did. I could care less the messages he left or the phone calls I received. I pretended like he never existed..until about eight months later. Let this be a lesson fella's: if you meet a girl like me, you better know to come correct or not come at all. We will completely erase you and won't think nothing of it. I blocked him with out any intention. I was at an old friends house when I got a text message from a number that wasn't in my contacts. I thought it was another guy that I had went out on a date with that never called me back. I later realized after noticing his wording in the message, I knew who it was. Could I have been blunt asked "Who Is This"? Yes I could have but I like to discreet. That is a strong suit of mine you know. From the point on, we tried to pick up where we left off but that was this obviously elephant in the room "Baby, why I did you cut me off?" I'm sorry that statement is hilarious to me.Though I didn't mean to hurt his feelings like he said I did. I told him that some of the statements and judgments he had were hurtful to me and that I just had to do what I thought was best for me at that time. He, obviously apologized in an unapologetic way by saying "IF I said or hurt you in any kind of way, I'm sorry." My dear precious sir, that sounds good but that's not an apology so therefore I am not obligated to forgive you. I let it slide though...like a complete dummy. There was one thing I noticed through those eight months; I never heard that little small voice again but as soon as I let this brother back in, he comes that voice again "Shanice, you remember what happen last time? You are going about this the wrong way. Leave him alone." This time, not nervous or afraid to think properly, I ignored that voice yet again. The difference is I'm completely competent of my actions. From the day, we are learning more and more about each other but I am in it going more and more in love, or so I think. Though I'm thinking after thing was fine, he constantly complained about how I was "Hard to get to know" and that I'm "A box, better yet a wall that's hard to knock down"..or some soft, depressing statement like that. Our relationship or whatever it was, never really was the same in my book. I know I led him to believe that we were together and that I really liked him, which I did and still do but I was always on guard saying "Okay, what else negative is he going to say?" He was on guard to, by being afraid to say certain things around me because he didn't want to offend me and potential lose me again. Tried the "Just friends" thing but that didn't work, at least for him. I like it, probably because I was the one that came up with the ideas. I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh but as I look at back it this, I was really a messed up, sorry excuse for a potential mate. I guess that's probably why as of today, we no longer talk. As of today, I know longer exist to him. I must say, in the beginning, I cried and murmured and complained about how I wasted my time with him, which I did. As a matter of fact, we both wasted our time trying to pursue each other when we could have been a relationship with other people that really wanted us and that will never leave us. You see, the love I let go was never "Gentle Soul", though you may think it was. It's not my elementary school crush, which may I add is even cuter today than he was in school...okay stop Shanice! You sound desperate. Anyway, the love I let go was that little small voice I kept hearing through this entire ordeal...and I do mean ordeal. That little small voice that continues to draw me every single say. That little small voice that pushed to the side when the entire time, He was trying to keep me from being in places and feeling things He didn't want me to feel. The little small voice that I heard when I got saved, the little small voice that told me "He will never leave me nor forsake me". The little small voice that has brought me this far and will continue to lead me. This voice loves me and knows what's best for me. It makes me smile even in the midst of a face full of tears. This voice has caused a major shift in my life and I'm glad I obeyed and finally said "Yes!". The fact that I willingly let go makes me shake my head in shame. However, the real shame came when I didn't want Him to know I was willingly to let Him go, all because I didn't want Him to know who I really was. A deceiver, a girl who was so desperate for someone to call her "Beautiful" and all along, that voice is telling me "That's not what you need." The amazing thing is He knows exactly who and I and that makes this story different from any fairy tale or love story with a "Happily Ever After". I don't have to be afraid to show my true colors, the real me...He already knows them and he knows them better than I ever will. The love I let go...was there the entire time. Now, you may ask me "Shanice, are you still single? Did you go back to online dating?" First of all, heck to the no on the online dating, but am I still single? That's a good question...you'll just have to wait and see.