The Same Old Girl I Used To Be

(In a black room with nothing, emptiness)

(Talking towards to audience; she is talking about how she used to view people in the same situation as her)

Look at her wallowing in self pity, crying over some guy who doesn’t give her a second thought, she’s such an emotional wreck, all she ever goes on about is how much she loves him and how bad it hurts. I would never be like that; I’d never let a boy affect me. I don’t want to love and I never will. What’s the point? I’d rather just have fun. Nobody’s going to change my mind any time soon; I’m happy young free and single with no worries. Yes I go on dates I’m not denying that, but none of them mean anything to me. I’ll never fall into that trap, my guard’s always up.

 

(Same setting same place, she is now speaking about how things used to be)

I had everything I needed, my friends were around me and college was going great. I was so happy; I loved my life and everybody in it. I wanted for nothing, I was known as the happy girl, the jolly one who was always smiling. I was never emotional, never ever, I hadn’t cried in over three years. I never had a boyfriend and I never wanted one. Nobody made me happy, nobody made me sad. It’s like no one could have an effect on me. I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me, like I didn’t have a heart. But of course that all changed the day I met him.

Night after night I cry on my pillow, eventually falling to sleep I still can’t escape him. He’s in my dreams, but it’s beautiful. Were together happy, like it used to be ,laughing at each other’s jokes walking hand in hand down the road. We couldn’t even sit on opposite sides of the room. He would sit next to me, when his friends were there he made it clear who I was, like he was proud; proud that I was his. When I had him I felt safe, I knew if anything happened he would be the first one to protect me, no matter who it was. If anybody hurt me he would be the first to fight for me, my soldier. He told me story after story, things he wouldn’t tell his own family, he told me.

The memories of what we had are always in my mind going over and over. He tells me he still cares for me even though we don’t see each other anymore, and he didn’t mean to hurt me, he thinks I’m moving on by the way I act but it’s not true, if anything it hurts more I’m just trying to hide it. Day by day I have to act like I’m fine, like nothing’s wrong, but all I want to do is cry, for someone to hold me and tell me everything’s going to be all right but they don’t. When people ask they don’t understand how I feel, I want him to know what it’s done to me, my real feelings, not the make believe ones he sees. To let him live my life, to feel it himself, to see how I felt.

 

Every touch sends a shiver down my spine, I look deep into his eyes then he crawls up inside me, touching me with pride and care, I felt I belong to him. Holding me in his arms he kisses my forehead and plays with my hair whilst rocking me to sleep. Every inch of my body can feel his love. Hiding me behind bed sheets and bedroom walls I was nothing but his secret. He used my body as an instrument, playing me, touching me but never loving me. Touching me as if there was no blood flowing through my veins, though every heartbeat pounded through my chest. Each breathe I took consisted of his energy. I was his machine, to him I was nothing. I could feel my heart falling apart after every superficial touch but I was a girl so in love I would repeatedly turn my body over for him.

 

Each time I see his face it rips my soul out in front of me. I lie in bed each night wondering why? Why can’t he love me? Like he loved her? It hurts so bad the pain is slowly killing me, I need his love without it I’m dying inside I feel like my bodies shutting down. I can’t breathe, my stomach feels like it’s about to fall out, my heads about to explode from trying so hard to erase him out my mind. I wish I could turn it off, I wish I could control it but I cant, he’s taken over me like a disease. I feel possessed by something else I don’t feel like me anymore, it’s not me this was never me. I don’t want to live any more my life’s a mess I’m so lost in my emotions I feel like I’m going to die. Everywhere I go he follows me, I need to escape, escape from this body; from me I no longer want to be me I wish I could live somebody else’s life then I wouldn’t have to feel this pain, it’s like a bullet in my heart over and over again. Why can’t I tell him, “I love you” Why don’t he believe me? He’s had his heart broken before but now he’s breaking mine. I had to let him go, I thought it would stop the pain not having to see him anymore; he’s so beautiful, I’ve never seen anybody like him before. But it still hurts its hurts more and more every day. But he feels nothing, my hearts breaking and he feels nothing .But with my heart broken and left in pieces, I’d rather be alone than any longer be his secret!

 

 

Dear my love, you made me want to die, I sat in my room staring at my walls for days, looking at the one crack in the corner, wishing, waiting for it to open up and take me into a new world. I prayed someone would take my life so I didn’t have to feel the pain no more. I didn’t want to be alive, what’s the point in living if I have nothing to live for? Without you I was nothing, days drifted by without me even noticing. The outside world no longer existed. I wanted to stare death in the face. I was thinking of ways to die over and over.

 

 

 

 

(The lights go down the scene changes)

Gripping the rough wooden handle, I gripped it slowly with my right hand, then slowly stroking the shiny silver with my other hand, watching my reflection I smiled for the first time in months. My blood rushed through my body; I’d never felt power like this before. My heart was racing; I swear I could hear my own heart beat. I stood there for ages just holding the knife in my hands, feeling the sharp edge on the ends of my fingers. Thinking of the pain made me feel better; I was imagining the feeling of the end of the knife touching and piercing the skin, forcing its way through the body. I knew this was going to be the end of my pain.

 

(Black out, lights go down)

 

(The lights come up and she’s standing in an orange jumpsuit. Indicating she’s now in prison for killing him)

I felt a sense of relief when the knife forced through his stomach; he stared at me with those deep eyes, the same ones which used to make me smile. He was lying on the floor taking his last breaths, using every inch of energy he had begging me to help him. I held him in my arms rocking him; I kissed his forehead until he fell to sleep,, just like he used to do with me. I laughed, and smiled. He felt the pain I felt, the feeling of your heart dying, He’s gone, the pains gone. I’m happy. The same old girl I used to be.

Reviews

[Katie L]

i like it well written and descriped

[FireWoman]

It worked it black magic on me... I love your descriptive details.

[Brad]

this reminded me of something from Poe...i loved the bleakness

[Viki Rachel]

So dark, so sinister.... so detailed...
I LOVE IT.