A letter to him whom she lost

This is a letter written to a loved one to thank, remember, and regret

Dearest Ice Bear,
I hope you are doing fine, since I believe you are better off without me. I hope you could show some patience and finish reading the letter. It's all I have left to say.
I am not writing to criticize you, for I see no point in such negativity. In fact, I am writing to tell you that I am grateful for everything you have done for me. I truly am. You helped me come out of the darkness, which I thought would haunt me forever. You made me appreciate life again. You were the one who stood beside me, who gave me a shoulder to cry on and to lean on. You made me very, very happy. I will never forget that, and I will treasure the memory forever.
However, things have turned darker, ever since I returned home. I was, in fact, fighting my demons, and trying to find a way out. I was surrounded by negativity and pressure, given my parents' expectations and requirements for my future career, the way I lived, and even my love life. I have been living under my parents' control my whole life, and I was not happy, nor satisfied, with what they planned for me.
I don't expect you to understand fully, but you would probably also be in deep pain if you were trying to be someone that your parents wanted you to be, and whom you don't want to be. At least I was not too depressed enough to kill myself. I recently talked to a friend in the same situation, who had tried to commit suicide. Her father was pushing her too hard to pursue something she didn't want to pursue, and he ignored what she really needed, which led to her depression and dependence on pills. Although I was more fortunate, I was indeed depressed.
I guess I was just trying to seek comfort and moral support from you; you were perhaps the closest and most trustworthy person I could ever have wished for. However, I know that my depression was getting on your nerves, because all you heard were my complaints and negativity. For that, I am sorry, but at least you deserve to know the full story. My parents kept me from going to Bei City to learn art from my uncle, and we had a big fight. They refused to believe that I didn't want to pursue languages, and firmly believed that everything else would get me nowhere. They kept pulling me down, but I flew to Bei City anyway.
During my time in Bei City, I was filled with self-doubt and insecurity, thinking about what my parents had said. I was conflicted in my choices and was overwhelmed with fear. Yes, you were right. I had changed, as much as I did not want to admit it, because I was, indeed, in a terrible state. I thought I would feel better and get on with my pursuits if you could just be there and listen. However, I never wanted any actual solutions or actions from you. I just wanted to feel that I wasn't alone. Sometimes people just need to be heard, that's all, but I didn't realize seeking comfort was not part of your beliefs. You are so good at doing things alone. That is enviable, but sad at the same time, for I wish you could understand that I really needed you.
I guess I was just craving your support in whatever I was going through, but I got irritated when you gave me something I wasn't expecting, and out of shame and anger, I hurt you, deeply, and for that, I am truly sorry. I know you meant well, and you just wanted me to get better, but the words from your messages spoke otherwise. I don't expect you to understand why I misunderstood your messages, but I guess most girls would feel the same way I did.
By the time you said you were sick and tired, I realized how wrong we went, but it also crushed my heart as well as my bottom line of self-esteem. My depression just got worse. I had no appetite and did not sleep for days, and my behavior made my uncle's family extremely worried. Well, that was also when I realized how much we misunderstood each other, but there was nothing I could do.
All further arguments and fights just seem to be a blur to me now. All I remember is that you kept going on about doing things right and my blaming you for doing something wrong. It's sad for me to see you think that way. Perhaps that's the difference between boys and girls. Girls never really care about whether boys did right or wrong. Girls would never blame you, even if you made mistakes, because they love you. The only thing they care about is a boy's attitude. That was also what I was trying to tell you. Maybe that was not your real attitude at the time, but the way I interpreted your words, which were the only way I could hear from you, made me feel you just didn't care anymore. You may not see it, but as a human, I was hurt.
Now, seeing things from your side, I am beginning to understand your thoughts, and I apologize for not understanding you sooner. The problem between us is nothing more than a common relationship issue, but we both focused too much on ourselves instead of trying to compromise and get to know each other better.
Girls are sentimental human beings, and the reason why talking sense seems futile to them is because girls know, deep down, whether they are right or wrong. What they really need from boys is the feeling that they are listened to and not left alone, no matter what they have done. That is also why boys cannot understand them, because boys are sensible creatures who focus on making sense. Though they have done nothing wrong in their actions, what they do not know is that they could just have the right attitude, no matter what has been done.
You were angry about my blaming you even when you did nothing wrong (and I totally understand now), but I hope you know by now that that's hardly what I meant. You have done more than you should. I cannot thank you enough. I just felt I was pushed away by your attitude. I felt I was no longer important to you, and that thought made me very scared, scared of losing you. As much as you deny it, your attitude did change, and as subtle as it was to you, it was obvious enough for me to be worried. That's not anyone's fault because we are just different human beings trying to force our way into each other.
Maybe we both don't know how to love, and that's not anyone's fault, either. I don't see the point of blaming or getting even anymore because that was just selfish of me. I don't know if you have ever truly felt love, but love itself is something that makes no sense. Once I love, I love deeply, and because of that, I fall hard into the abyss of pain easily. Sometimes, the pain plagues you in different ways. It suffocates you, makes you feel sick or even drives you crazy. Someday, when you forget all about how sensible you are, you'll truly be in love, and you'll truly begin to understand me as well.
I never meant to cause you anger or pain. I was way out of line to make you understand me, but who cares whether you do or not? What matters now is that I am finally beginning to understand you.
I know what I have said does not cover every misunderstanding we have had. You are probably still filled with anger, and you have every right to be. I was once so mad that I stopped thinking, and that just made things worse. Perhaps neither of us is ready to be in a relationship, for love is, in fact, a journey full of ups and downs. It is never always full of sunlight or shooting stars. We gave up on our first setback, but that's probably for the best, and hopefully we won't make the same mistakes again with someone else.
I should never have done anything out of anger, and I am sorry for recklessly unfriending you. Partially I was mad at myself for not being able to understand you, while I was mad at you for being unable to get me, but that was stupid. If you are willing to forgive me, it would be more than I deserve. All I want now, is for you to be truly happy, even if it means deleting me from your life forever.
Once again, I want to thank you for the good times we shared. You've given me invaluable happy memories that I don't usually have in my life, and which I screwed up trying to keep. You are a special and wonderful human being, and I won't forget all the things I learned from you, from our relationship, and from myself. We are on life's journey to a better self, and perhaps our paths will cross again? That would be a whole other story! Life is full of wonders and surprises. Don't let the bad times get to you. If you need to forget, do so. Do whatever's best for you, and be happy.
I wish you all the best in life.

Love
Lazy Meow

Author's Note

I am not a good writer, and as a second language learner, I wish you can kindly forgive my mistakes and help me improve my writing.