Suicide SkyA Poem by J.T. TornadoThe stars watched over her, as she became one.
Suicide Sky
She Loved the stars They were so far away Yet so close Pictures made universal From stories long ago The thought of outer space alarmed her Empty and unknown But stars They were bright and vivid Whenever she looked up at night They shone down on her Giving her a sense of Serenity and content When all seemed lost She reached for them As a cry of desperation A plea for help But she felt as alone as the Curiosity rover Drifting through each day Searching for any means of life But alas both were lost She Was hopeless She Was tormented Crippled by her own demise Anxiety Depression ADHD They were overwhelming She became taunted and teased A target for cruel words A magnet of apathy and hatred There would be people who tried Tried to help Tried to comfort Tried to save But all eventually gave up And left her alone To their harsh phrases And her destructive thoughts She felt like Pluto Desolate Abandoned Cold and small Forgotten For no one noticed her beauty Or her kindness Or her talent Her wisdom Her maturity Her All they saw was Gay Anxious Weak Depressed Loner Stupid Worthless N O T H I N G Who was to say otherwise? She Was a clown She Was betrayed The only person who she ever trusted Was gone It was not a subtle absence It was not mutual No This This was meant to hurt This was meant to scar This was meant To kill Their name was EJ She trusted EJ with everything All her secrets Fears Thoughts Insecurities Crushes Dreams Feelings And they threw it all away They didn’t care about her Not at all She was worthless to EJ A nobody A stranger A nice-to-have A toy They messed with her mind One day she was laughing Talking Smiling The next Fighting Hurting Arguing Falling Deeper and deeper into hardships EJ They were fine They ignored her Acted like she never existed Just to cut her even deeper One day She had enough She was sick of falling back into their trap The endless cycle of sorrow She knew she was just some sort of Rubik’s cube Being twisted and turned until EJ finally had her figured out completely Until they finally threw her away for good She didn’t know how bad it would hurt She thought she meant something to them Just as much as they meant to her However That was not the case And it was too late when she found out She felt like Neptune Core turning colder and colder Filling up with sadness and guilt She was A l o n e She Was vulnerable He knew They all did He just recognized it A year and a half Of purposeful hate Manipulation Exhaustion He scared her So much Every time she saw him It struck fear in her heart She would sprint off down the hall Down the street Down the bus ramp If she was lucky She’d get away unnoticed But she was no four-leaf clover He and his friends They loved to scream in her ears Make her flinch Make her cry Make her whimper Make her run Run RUN RUN R U N Until she couldn’t breathe It was hilarious to them Her pain and anxiety They found entertainment In her suffering She felt like the sun Stuck in the middle In the center of attention While they chased around her Teasing her mind She Was afraid She Was done Done with the pain Done with the anxiety Done with the depression Done with the loneliness Done with the backstabbing Done with it all D O N E She had had enough It was on her mind all day She was going to do it She was going To die That was her only escape Death Her only exit Was to exit life Walk right out of this world Forever May 2nd, 2016. 19:02 She tried She swallowed a handful of ibuprofen tablets All at once She felt happy That these were her last moments That she was finally going to die She failed They found her On her bike In her old neighborhood Someone called the police She didn’t know who But they called And she didn’t die The police called her phone Told her to stay there She did She wasn’t going to die She wasn’t going to die She broke down She cried softly as she got off her bike Sitting on the side of the curb She sobbed quietly in her hands Why couldn’t she just die already? The police showed up He talked to her He said she had so much longer to live She was only thirteen, after all She wiped her eyes while the police radioed for an ambulance Did she really have any reason to live? Everything he said It still didn’t seem true She didn’t believe it at all As the ambulance pulled up She stood slowly Not feeling any different Neither mentally or physically Her body was fine Her mind was a wreck She stayed silent as the EMT’s took her vitals Only responding when they asked questions One of them she had never seen before The other was familiar He was the father of a friend turned enemy He was a kind man His son Not so much He criticized her for being gay For loving girls For doing the same thing he did It was wrong for her to have a girlfriend she cared about But it wasn’t wrong for him to stare at another girl’s a*s Without her knowing His father didn’t know that He only knew That she wanted to die She Was institutionalized Suicidal attempt Anxiety Depression It was only for fifteen days Worst fifteen days of her life She had to stay there with twenty-three other girls Most were there for the same reason as her They wanted to die She discovered something there A new perspective on living The counselors there always talked Not for the sake of talking But to open their eyes One of them Ms. Alexis Was very good at that She wasn’t very liked Some thought she was strict Others thought she was there for the money She obviously wasn’t None of them were The pay wasn’t very good However The outcome for the children was Ms. Alexis taught her and everyone else That maybe it was their fault That they can’t control anyone else But they can control themselves They can decide what they do How they react This was a result of their reaction That it wasn’t easy That it would never be easy Unless they tried Unless they worked up to being self-controlled Unless they thought before they did Unless they Tried She was a supernova Her gloom exploding Bits and pieces evident But not whole She was new Different Transformed She Was free Free from the mental hospital Free from the debilitating misery It was not gone No It was still there It would never fade away that easily But she was prepared She is the universe Full of different parts Hot and cold Ecstatic and depressed Serene and anxious Each one revolving around one another When one died The other lived Full of beauty and light Insecurity and darkness She is a galaxy From 2000-2016, 205,310,400 people who have self-harmed, attempted suicide, or committed suicide. For one of the 380,000,000 stars in the sky, there are two people who have done one of the three. This story is my experience with suicide. It is extremely difficult. It is degrading and painful, at the very least. But, for anyone experiencing this pain, here is some advice. Go out of your house at 11:11 p.m. and look at the stars. Make a wish. Doesn’t matter what it’s about. Then, remind yourself of this. There are two people that are going through or have gone through the same pain as you, and the representation is right above your head. You are never alone. SUICIDE HOTLINE: 1-800-273-8255 © 2016 J.T. TornadoAuthor's Note
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Added on June 25, 2016 Last Updated on June 25, 2016 Tags: sad, suicide, depression, depressing, self-help, self-harm, support Author |