Why

Does anyone else wonder what death feels like?

What it feels like to have the soul excised from your body?

To see your lifeless form laying there in a heap on the ground and feel a resounding numbness and searing burn as your body descends to Hell and your flesh is burned off your bones in an endless repetitious ritual of exorcism?

Does anyone else feel like this offering of contrite flesh to the fire would be their saving grace?

Because I do.

Every day I feel the tongues of Satan's devil hounds lapping at my heels,

I feel myself sinking into the depths every day.

And the doctors are baffled because no amount of Prozac or Lithium can deafen the ringing of my own screaming in my ears.

So I self medicate, mutilate, fall into a comatose unrest every night like a stupor

Praying that I won't eat myself up again.

Every night is a gamble. Will I tear myself apart or will I wake up sobered and dead inside but living?

Do I make sense? I've heard the damned often don't.

And the thing is I know my fate, and though I try so damn hard,

Hell has it in for me. Hell wants me. And God's fine with it.

So every detrimental thought, every suicidal tendency, and exodus of blood I cause myself to feel in a desperate pleading hope to flee the pain and find vitality again... All of it.

It's pointless.

And yes, I've known mercy. Yes, I've known pride. And oh yes dear god, I've known love.

But it's gone. Just gone. As am I, I'm just gone. I tried mom. I tried dad.

Babe, I tried and how it sickens me to know I failed you when you needed me... Babe I love you.

But I am gone. Hell wants me and death is calling and it's a sweet siren song,

And how warm it is... How cold I always am, oh darling you know I'm always so cold...

Hell wants me and I'm going. I won't cry anymore and that's my promise. You know I can be a strong, brave girl when I try.

And I want you to know it's not your fault.

I've been so lost for so long. I've known pain. I've known anger. I've known hurt.

So when I go, don't ask why. It's not your fault. I tried. I love you.

You know why.