Smile.

A short excerpt where I practiced for a character death.

                My hands clenched his, gripping on as though I was dying. “No, Rick, you’ll be fine.” Tears ran down my face but I ignored them. “You just need to hold on a little longer. They’ll be here soon. Wait, you can do it. You can do anything.”

                “Avery.” He whispered it so faintly.

                “No, don’t waste your energy.” I looked up, searching frantically for anything, anyone. Please, he can’t go. He can’t.

                “Avery.” There was pleading in his voice. I turned around, gripping him even harder. “Avery, don’t.”

                “No! Listen, you’ll " you’ll be fine.” My voice broke into a cascade of sobs.

                “Avery. Don’t, not for me. Get back to safety.” His eyes fluttered shut. A moment of overwhelming panic shattered me as I shook him.

                “Rick. No, you’ll live. I promise.” He couldn’t. He couldn’t do this to me. Not now, not today, never.

                He opened his eyes for what might’ve been the last time. “The medics don’t come this far.” As he said it, explosions erupted across the ground. The blasts; they finally came.

                “No-“I couldn’t stop my broken sobs. The medics will come, they must. My hands shook as I ripped off cloth to stifle the flowing blood. It soaked and stained the dirt. “You won’t die. You won’t. I promise you. You can’t. No!” I screamed as he shut his eyes again. “No!”

                “Avery, listen-“

                I couldn’t, it was too much, too much to accept death. “You’ll be okay, Rick. They’ll be here any minute. Hold on. Just a few seconds, please, please, don’t go.” The deafening noise of the war nearly hurled me onto him. I could barely hear his next words as my ears rang in despair.

                

“I love you, you’re like a little brother-“

                

“Don’t say that! You can’t give up! Be angry, hate me. Live, please, Rick, you… you…”

                

“I’ll miss you. You needn’t miss me-“

                

I cried out in frustration, clawing at the air with my screams. My eyes begged him, made him remember what he had promised before. He shook his head weakly. “You promised! You can’t just; no!”

                

“Live through this. For me.” He was so pale. So very pale. I looked down and saw the blood running over my hands. The cloth did nothing.

                

“Shut up! Don’t say it!”

                

“I love you so much, little brother.” My tears fell on his face and he gave a smile. A smile. “I love you.”

                

“I love you,” I whispered, dragging his head onto my lap. “You’ll live.”

                

“Only in you.”

                

“You’ll be okay.” I brushed back his hair. “I love you.” I held onto his hand and squeezed tightly.

               

“I’ll miss you.” He gave a long breath and looked at me with gentle eyes. One last smile; his hand fell limp against mine. I looked at it for a minute, watching his face settle into his natural smile. I clasped his hand against mine and remembered his right hand oath. An oath he never kept. Not even as a brother.

I buried my face into his hand, and cried. 

Author's Note

Tell me what you think please. I've never written a character death like this and this was just practice so I could really use some critique and advice. Thanks a bunch ^_^

Reviews

[Meg N. Moore]

It's good! The only think I would say is maybe make it harder for the characters to speak. Like...just think of how it is when you're choked up with emotion. You stop midsentence, you get lost with what you're saying...also you tend to think one thing and say another, especially if you're trying to reassure somebody else. Otherwise good job!

[qaralynn]

I really love this story! It's really emotional..I don't really have advise or critique for you :)

[Collette Paige]

I like it a lot ^_^ Not that that really means much but whatever.
I like the way you describe how upset she is...how she doesn't want to let go. For someone who has never written a character death, it's quite good. At first I think he's her boyfriend, but he's her brother, which makes it even more sad.
One thing you could change is when it says "not now, not today, never" it would flow better if it were "Not now, not today. Not ever." if that makes sense
great job though ^_^