C-man part 3

The story follows average college student Sergei and his adorably insane roomate Carl around on a series of lovable antics. This is the third and worst episode of an ongoing series.

Dr. Smitherbutt: Guys, we’re famous

Carl and Sergei wake up groaning. Carl was laying on the floor, but his feet were on the couch. Sergei was spread eagled across the table. He has a visible tattoo that wasn’t there before. It will remain for the duration of the show.

Sergei (tiredly): What the f**k

Carl: Oh. Hey Jogothy

Sergei: I’m gonna go back to sleep now

Sergei lays his head back down, directly onto I

Sergei: Ow. Mother-Goddamn-Xenu-F****r!

I: Wake up now

Sergei: Why the f**k would I have to wake up now

Carl: Don’t you have class in like an hour?

Sergei: Sighs, D****t then tiredly rolls off the table onto the floor, then immediately raises hands and arms, those being all we can see of him Why the f**k is there shattered glass on the floor!?

Dr. Smitherbutt: I can help get that out of you

Sergei (tiredly): I’d rather just keep the shards in me

Carl: What’s this about us being famous

Sergei: Carl don’t

I starts pecking at Sergei

I: You have to get up

Sergei: Ah-Mother-s**t-f*****g-ah-I stuck my hand in the glass

Dr. Smitherbutt: So, last night you started drinking and blacked out

Carl: S**t really? Sergei told me not to do that

Dr. Smitherbutt: So naturally, being the good friend that I am, I decided to take advantage of you. And also get the whole thing on video, which is now on the internet, and already got you over 1000 subscribers

Carl: On what?

Dr. Smitherbutt: Oddly enough Twich. Youtub didn’t think it was that funny

Carl: Probably the algorithm

Jesus (From behind the couch): Don’t blame the algorithm it’s a good algorithm

Sergei: No it’s not and you know that. Why are you defending it?

Carl: Alright who here is sober?

Silence

Sergei: Alright who here is at least not drunk enough to tell us what happened last night?

More silence for a bit

Dr. Smitherbutt: I mean I think I is probably the least hung over out of all of us

Jesus: Are you talking about you or the bird

Carl: I’ll give you the bird

Sergei: Carl what the f**k are you talking about?

Carl: I don’t know man. Can I show us the video now

Dr. Smitherbutt: I don’t know, can you?

Carl: Shut the f**k up Jogothy

Jesus: Damn man

Sergei: I think this is literally the second time I have ever agreed with Carl on anything

I: How am I supposed to show you the video without hands?

Jesus: S**t that’s actually a good point

Pause

Dr. Smitherbutt: I mean I guess I could try to pull it up

Carl: But I thought he just said

Sergei: I think he means him

I: he means him

Carl: Didn’t you kill him

Dr. Smitherbutt: Who?

Carl: F**k I don’t know man I wasn’t there

I: Yes I was

Jesus: What the f**k is anyone talking about?

Sergei: This is why I didn’t want you to bring them here Carl. Because I knew, from the second that I saw them, I knew that this was going to happen

Carl: You mean the drinking, or the weird puns?

Sergei: I don’t… have the energy to deal with this right now. Show us the video so I can either figure this s**t out or go to class

Short pause

I: Ah-

Sergei: I’ll smother you

Jesus: Wait, didn’t Dr. Smitherbutt have a cat named Him?

Dr. Smitherbutt: It’s pretty long

Carl: If you know what I mean

Loud thump

Jesus: Ah f**k I punched the couch cuz I thought I could give Carl a fist bump. Nice joke Carl

Carl: Thanks

Dr. Smitherbutt: Ok so here it is

The video is pulled up on his phone. This is now the video

Dr. Smitherbutt, Carl, and Sergei are sitting in the living room watching tv

There is a knock at the door

Sergei: Don’t answer it

Dr. Smitherbutt: But what if it’s important

Sergei: Seriously is our house just like a dispensary that attracts weird drug fueled furries instead of potheads?

Carl: That just sounds like a normal dispensary

Dr. Smitherbutt: You go to a weird dispensary

Carl: Are they not all weird?

Sergei: Not like that

Carl: Awww, you’re just upset because I haven’t kicked Jogothy out yet

Sergei: No, I’m upset because you invited him to live with us

Carl: It’s only until he gets his life together. Come on the dude was like living in an outhouse

Dr. Smitherbutt: I own real estate in 34 states

Carl: Doesn’t have a job

Dr. Smitherbutt: I am the only licensed plastic surgeon in the county. I frequently sell drugs and have gotten away with numerous counts of extremely lucrative insurance fraud

Carl: I mean he’s just a mess. You wouldn’t want to leave someone like that out on the streets would you

Sergei: That is exactly the type of person that I actively try to keep out of my home

Carl: Then why are you living with me?

Explosion sound in the kitchen

Sergei (resigned): I guess this is just my whole day now.

Jesus (From the kitchen): Sorry

Second explosion

Jesus: D****t!

Sergei: Jesus f*****g Christ!

Jesus: Don’t use my name in vain

Another explosion sound

Jesus: Shitass!

Cut to all the characters in the kitchen, standing around something. The camera’s point of view is what they are all looking at. Fire sounds can be faintly heard in the background.

Pause

Carl: You know I’m almost impressed

Dr. Smitherbutt: I mean we should probably put it out

Carl: Yeah but like, how does this even happen?

Sergei: Bleeds from the nose, then a moment later Sorry my body wasn’t used to having you be the one to say that

Dr. Smitherbutt: I mean, did you get all the stuff out of there?

Jesus: I got most of it; I thought you guys were poor though, why was your fridge just full of like 12 bottles of champagne. Like actual champagne, from that valley in France.

The Camera pulls back to reveal the inside of a fridge is on fire. Not like items that are inside of a fridge, I mean the actual fridge.

Sergei: I’m poor. Carl just doesn’t like spending his money

Carl: They were on sale

Sergei: Are you proud of the nickel you saved on those?

Carl: I saved twelve cents

A bottle top flies off in the background

Jesus: Wasn’t me I swear

Dr. Smitherbutt: I think it was the fire. So by extent that would mean it actually was you

Jesus: Yeah but like… not if you don’t think about it

Sergei: And that’s pretty much what it’s like living here

Carl: How did you get in by the way?

Jesus: I went in through the chimney

Sergei: We slight pause don’t slight pause have a chimney

Dr. Smitherbutt: He drilled a hole in your roof

Carl: You mean he drilled a hole in our roof

Jesus: I put it next to the one Carl made

Sergei: I’ve been to every room in the house in the last 4 hours. There were no holes and Carl was with me the whole time

Carl: Haha, “hole time”

Sergei: holds up Carl’s severed penis Carl this is your penis. I cut it off. You didn’t feel it because you had just tried an “experimental new drug” that Jogothy gave you which he cleverly named

Flashback to a close up shot on Jogothy

Dr. Smitherbutt: Gorilla painkillers and ethanol

Zoom out to show Carl collapsed on the floor

Back to in-video present

Sergei: If you want it back, you need to just shut up and let me finish one goddamn sentence before I throw this thing into the fridge

Dr. Smitherbutt: I mean technically that is what you’re supposed to do with severed body parts

Jesus: No it’s not

Dr. Smitherbutt: He’s right it’s not

Carl: Also the fridge is on fire, so like, probably not a good idea

Jesus: I mean, it is a fridge though. Would that make the fire like, less hot because the whole environment around it is cool so it can be much hotter than its surroundings even at a lower temperature?

Carl: I don’t think that’s how it works

Dr. Smitherbutt: Yeah I’m pretty sure fire has to be at least a certain temperature in order to burn

Sergei: I’ll do it, I’m serious

Carl: Reaches down his pants and feels around for a moment I don’t know whose dick that is but, mine’s still here

In about 2 frames, several other parts of the kitchen catch on fire

Sergei (all pissed off): This is why you need to let me talk

Carl: yeah, I’m willing to admit we may’ve fucked up here

Dr. Smitherbutt: but is the fire on the outside colder or hotter than normal fire?

Jesus: Carl

Carl: What?

Jesus: Check

Carl: Why me

Jesus: I thought you were immortal

Carl: It’ll still hurt though

Jesus: Gestures at the champagne bottles on the counter that isn’t on fire then drink one of those

Sergei: or we could, you know, put out the fire

Carl: why do I have to be the one to do it I thought you were a superhero too

Jesus: Yes, but putting wolverine’s dick into a meat grinder is going to have a different effect than putting Doorman’s in there

Onscreen: Actual marvel superhero. His power is the ability open any door. Yeah.

Carl: Wait, I thought you had Jesus powers. Like the middle eastern dude with the twelve gay guys that could turn water into wine and breath mints into roofies. Wouldn’t your dick just come back after three days?

Jesus: That would still be three days that I didn’t have a dick

The fire continues spreading all around the kitchen. Somehow the counter with the alcohol is still completely safe

Sergei: Carl how does your only biblical knowledge come from a porno?

Carl: Wait, how do you know that was from a porno?

Sergei: Throws Carl’s dick in the fridge

Carl: Dude what the hell!

Sergei: You said it wasn’t yours

Carl: but what if I was lying!?

Jesus: Wait were you lying?

Carl: inserts one hand into his pants, feels around for a bit, then inserts the other one, feels around for a smaller amount of time than the first time No

Outside of the recording

Carl: Hey Sergei

Sergei (muffled): What?

Carl: That was kind of a pause as he turns to the camera dick move

Sergei: Carl shut the f**k up

Carl: Jesus (he’s not saying the character’s name. He’s using it as an expression of exasperation)

Jesus: Yes?

Sergei: What?

Carl: You usually just let me get away with s**t like that

Sergei: I’m really not in a good place right now

Carl: Ok

Dr. Smitherbutt: Do you like, want to talk about it? I am a licensed therapist

Sergei: What I want is to get these f*****g glass shards out of me and then maybe some chicken wings

Jesus: There’s some back here behind the couch

Carl: I’m not a hundred percent, but I think those are bat wings

Sergei: They’re also from like, 2 years ago

Carl: It’s cool though, I don’t think bat wings go bad

Dr. Smitherbutt: I have never seen a spoiled bat wing

Jesus: Are they supposed to be black like this

Carl: There’s maybe like a 30% chance that that’s black mold. That still leaves another 70% though. F**k it, give me one of those wings

Thud from behind the couch

Jesus: I can’t reach.

Carl: It’s okay, you tried your best

Jesus: I didn’t

Sergei: Carl can you please help me get up

Carl: I’ll do it, but I’m suspicious of the fact that you’re trusting me

Sergei: It’s more of like I distrust you less than Dr…. f**k I literally cannot think of a more embarrassing name than Dr. Smitherbutt

Dr. Smitherbutt: That’s Jogothy Smitherbutt

Sergei: F**k anyway, I hate him more than you, I’s a bird, and I don’t think Jesus has figured out how to stand up yet

Jesus: I’m getting there

Sergei: You’re literally smoking a joint behind the couch right now

Jesus: You really need to clean behind your couch more often there’s a lot of great stuff back here

Carl: drags himself over towards Sergei hey, let me know if you see my 1996 swimsuit sports illustrated. Or my gameboy advance. I think I also lost that in 1996.

Jesus: I don’t see them. There are a bunch of dead tomagatchis back here though

Carl: F**k I think I lost those in 1996 too. That was not a good year for me

Jesus: Wait, didn’t you just move in here like a year and a half ago?

Sergei: Don’t ask him about continuity in his stories

Carl: Well since you brought it up, I have a f*****g crazy story for you-Ow, broken glass

Sergei: Carl shut the goddamn hell up and just help me

Carl: Why did you roll onto all this broken glass in the first place it f*****g hurts

Sergei: Carl you don’t have to be f*****g worried about getting injured by something like this. I do. Now get me the f**k onto the couch

Carl: I just realized that I can’t really stand up right now either. I think you need to get Jogothy to help you

Sergei: Nooooo

Dr. Smitherbutt: Sorry, doesn’t look like there’s another way

Sergei: Hey Jesus did you find any painkillers back there

Jesus: Maybe. There’s this weird unlabeled bottle back here with some pills in it

Carl: Oh yeah I remember that. I took one of those, and then I had to take a nap because the kitchen smelled too orange, and then I woke up at my uncle’s house.

Dr. Smitherbutt: which uncle?

Sergei: The one that lives in Nebraska. That was a nice night for me after Carl left.

Dr. Smitherbutt: Oh yes, Craig. I like that guy

Carl: I don’t really remember what happened, but I did wake up next to a pile of used condoms. I don’t know where they came from and I’m hoping I never find out

Dr. Smitherbutt: It was Craig

Sergei: Definitely your uncle Craig

I: You got raped by your uncle

Jesus: Right in the a*s dude

Carl: Wait… how do you know my uncle, Jogothy

Dr. Smitherbutt: Ummmmmm… do you want to see the rest of the video now

All except Carl: No

Carl: Not really

Dr. Smitherbutt: Works for me here you go

Back in the video

Dr. Smitherbutt: Feeling around in Carl’s pants

Carl: You’re better at this than last time

Dr. Smitherbutt: I’ve had a bit of practice. Anyway, it seems that not only does Carl possess immortality, but he also has the ability to regenerate large body parts if they are ever removed from his body.

Carl: See Sergei, he thinks it’s large

Sergei: Yes Carl, you text me every day, sometimes multiple times a day anytime someone tells you you have a big penis. I honestly don’t know why so many people know about this; I’m pretty sure I get laid more than you and your dick is the same size as mine

Jesus: How would you know how big his dick is

Sergei: Literally everyone here just saw his dick

Dr. Smitherbutt (hand still in Carl’s pants, moving back and forth): Ha, you had his dick in your hand and didn’t say no homo

Carl (to Dr. Smitherbutt): Hey, you’re actually hurting my left and middle testicles

Dr. Smitherbutt: Sorry, I’ll try to focus more on the right side

Sergei: No homo there ya happy

Carl: I mean yeah but not because of that

Dr. Smitherbutt: finally takes his hand out of Carl’s pants, holding a silver dollar

Jesus: Whoah, how did that get in there?

Sergei: How are you drunk already

Jesus: chuckles

Dr. Smitherbutt: I mean, have you not just like shotgunned way more alcohol than you’re supposed to drink and blacked out in like 30 seconds

Sergei: No! Because that’s not normal

I (from offscreen): you live in a house with two other humans and I am still the smartest one here. One of your roomates is canonically immortal but only as long as he stays horny and the other one may or may not be a pansexual psychic drug dealer with an arrest warrant in more states than can be counted on both of my feet and the federal government.

Sergei: And?

Dr. Smitherbutt and Carl are now drunk alongside Jesus. All the bottles of champagne except for 2 are now empty

Dr. Smitherbutt: I think you forfeit all right to use that word

Sergei: Why would I forfeit it?! You’ve forced all of this upon me! If anything that right was stolen from me

Jesus: Dude, I’m too fuggin drunk for this s**t right now

Carl: Hey, anyone wanna go drunk driving?