Adhd?

Why do people think I'm smart when I accomplish nothing? I accomplish nothing. I take action only out of absolute necessity. I manage my life in such a way that I have minimal responsibility. A calculated measure on every level. I am a functional, rational adult yet I feel a child for the lack of weight I carry. This is calculated. I have put off every task I have scheduled to do. I have lists. I have time frames. I have blocks of events I rate by stress, and rejoice at their completion. I enjoy so many things, I never get started. I learn for the sake of learning. I can't stop learning. Application is too much. I can not be in a crowded room for too long without the aid of drugs. I adore alcohol. It's a loving whisper, the key to my cage, a false idol. I drink to pulverize my cadence. I drink until I can not. I do not sit when I do not have to. I pace on the phone. I pace in conversation. I pace in my kitchen alone in silence while I think think think or is it debate? I will never remember a name or a birthday. I have a memory for many things that impress many. Though, I remember little of my life. I can not stop myself from paying attention to everything at once. The flow of surroundings, the mood shifts, noise-light-movement. Sunlight is the only light I really want in my life. I hear everything with a depth I don't understand but feel. I am overwhelmed by beauty and I am overwhelmed by sadness, loss, and despair. I feel to my bones. There are times I am so listless I laugh. Listless and restless is no way to be. Outwardly I am calm, kind, and mellow. Easy going, fun, and funny. This duality is exhaustive. I am tired of the weekly to monthly swings. I am tired of the first day out of depression(ennui?) being a surprise because for me I never know how deep I am until I'm out. I'm tired of trying to fix myself, change myself, better myself. I just want to be my damn self. I don't want tomorrow to be the day I start to make all the right choices. I want it to just be tomorrow. And here at the end I think "This is just in your head, and you have to find a way."