My Life Volume 7

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My  Life

Volume VII

July  26,  2001-September  17,  2002

By  Jonathan  Taylor  Failla

 

         

 

    

Thursday, July 26 2001

 

Today I feel really tired probably because I had a rough night last night.

The temperature was way too hot, and I felt extremely uncomfortable. I feel too tired to ride my bike, run, or walk. I feel too tired to exercise, and I barely had enough energy to eat lunch though I do have enough energy to do about a half entry. Yesterday I did not do any academics. It was too hot. Yesterday I went to the bookstore to get some new books, and I bought a bunch of Shakespeare books. I might not read them, though, and I might just read some other books lying around in my bookshelf. Yesterday I also went to McDonald’s and bought a Big Mac, fries, and a Sprite. There was nothing to do yesterday. The heat was really stifling, so I decided to get out some. The heat was really bad, but today it has cooled off a lot. I think that it was raining before pretty heavily. My obsessions are annoying.

Today I read Hawthorne’s book for about an hour. I mean by Hawthorne’s book The House of the Seven Gables. I had some vivid dreams last night. I wonder how much fat was in that Big Mac, and I am guessing that the meal that I had last night had a lot of fat in it, no doubt. Today is pretty cool, but yesterday was blazing hot. I felt so uncomfortable last night. I kept waking up during the night and then having to go back to sleep again. Yesterday was not only hot but humid, and same with the day before yesterday. Today was a break in the heat. If I were a weatherman, I could be more specific. Weathermen or weatherwomen can be very charismatic.

I liked my dreams last night, and I had some really good ones. I am so glad that it is not hot today. Yesterday night my mom took me to McDonald’s in Windsor, and I went through the drive through. My mom ordered, and a woman with a thick accent took the order. My mom said that she could not understand the woman. The order was taken, though, and then the car went to the drive-in window where my mom paid the money and got the Big Mac, fries, and a Sprite. Yesterday at the bookstore I did not know what to get, and nothing in the literature section looked appealing. I should not have picked out those Shakespeare books because I might never get around to reading them.

I hope that I will be done with the Hawthorne book soon; I do not have much left in it. Maybe after I get through with this entry, I will attempt to go on a bike ride. Maybe after I write this entry, I will have enough energy to get some exercise. I am doing less academics than a usual day today because yesterday I went to McDonald’s. At the bookstore yesterday I brought back those poetry books. The person whom I brought them back to laughed when I told him that the reason I brought them back was that I did not like them. He said that he was surprised that I did not like Blake, whom he called “The Tiger.” The kid looked like he was about a senior in college, and he was certainly pretty smart concerning intelligence. I had my dad buy the Shakespeare books partly because he had something to buy of his own too.

 

I went with my dad to the bookstore yesterday. I did do some reading in Latin when I listened to Mozart’s Requiem yesterday, but I was not seriously doing Latin (I just following was along with the words). The piece is really sdorovo, which in Russian means terrific. The piece was terrific. I am hoping that I will be able to ride my bike today, for I need some exercise after eating that Big Mac.

I peeked in the store from the car, and I noticed the workers and the people standing behind the registers there. I kind of feel bad that I was only able to do about a half-hour entry today, but I can blame it partly on the weather yesterday. When the weather is hot like that, one can get quite melancholy about things.

Well, I am about through with this entry today. I am off, and I am glad that I wrote. I almost did not write, but I decided to write. I will probably see the reader tomorrow. Bye bye.

 

Friday, July 27 2001

 

Today has been fun, to say the least. I feel really good today, and I have no complaints. The only complaint would be my reading book, as I think that the Hawthorne book is kind of boring. Still, I am continuing to read it. Today has been an excellent day. Yesterday was a challenge to say the least, and I almost did not write then. Today I was able to read for about an hour, and I was able to ride my bike for about an hour. I am still painfully slow on my bike and in exercising. Today I thought about showing some of my journal to my parents, and I thought of getting my journal published. Yet I do not know if I am ready to get my journal published yet.

I passed some people on my bike ride today. There was one man whom I thought looked ridiculous jogging in his pants though he can do what he wants. I passed a woman walking who was flailing her arms about. Today is a wonderful day as far as the weather is concerned. It is quite cool out as compared to recently. I think that it may be time to publish my journal so that I can get some money, and I could use some money of my own to buy a house and a car. My bike is going well. I feel kind of tired right now.

I rode down by the tobacco fields, and I saw a tractor. There was one or two tractors in the big wooden shed, which is now filled with tobacco leaves, and there is still tobacco in the fields too. I see a cardinal perched in the tree outside my window. Yesterday morning, I put up my windows to let some cool air in, and it worked. After I closed the windows, it was still cool inside. I can hear the cardinal chirping. Now it is sitting in the tree and is almost hidden by the leaves. It just flew away. On my bike ride I saw some toddlers in the playground by the First Church in Windsor, and they were with their parents or the workers there.

I ride my bike either at a slow or medium pace depending on the landscape. When there is a downhill slope, I go much faster though I have trouble with some inclines in the landscape. Yesterday I watched too much television, and I get all caught up, unfortunately, in that “Beverly Hills 90210.”

 

The show features college kids, and I get all caught up in that. I feel as if I am a part of their fictional lives. The shows all have these morals in them like children’s books do.

I think that on Sunday Mamaw has a birthday, and I will probably go over there then. I wonder how old she will be. I wish that I had new shoes so that I would not have to wear these old Air Maxes. Television is so depressing, for there are nothing but crises on. I thought this yesterday, and I find it true today. Everything on television is depressing and terrible. There are no good shows on, yet I deign to watch it for hours on end at night. There is nothing else to do though. Today I hope that I will be able to write about a full entry. The day looks really nice, and I had a great bike ride.

On my bike ride though I can still detect some urban sprawl, and I noticed how really ugly these buildings are that are houses for corporations. These business and manufacturing buildings are ugly, and they look like dungeons.

The Hawthorne book is kind of boring. Hepzibah and Clifford have run away from The House of the Seven Gables and Judge Pyncheon. The Judge plans on putting Clifford into a mental institution if Clifford does not divulge some secret that would help to make the Judge wealthy.

Hepzibah and Clifford both hate Judge Pyncheon. They run away on a train, and I wonder where they will end up. They leave the train and find themselves in this strange place, and Hepzibah is terrified. Hawthorne had called her a recluse, and I cannot imagine what a recluse like Hepzibah must be thinking in a place like where she is at. She must be really frightened. Last night on the evening news they showed a man who could not get out of his house because of anxiety, and I think that he was taking a medicine for anxiety called something like Buspar. The news program was doing a program on the high cost of name-brand prescription drugs, and my Zyprexa certainly costs a lot. I wonder what would happen if I got arrested like that woman Brenda on “Beverly Hills 90210.” I would be terrified. I wonder what prison life is like, and I should not wonder that even. I probably get too caught up in the shows that I watch.

There are so many bad shows on television. I see a robin out in the yard with its typical orange breast. The robin is hopping in the yard.

The day really is quite nice. There are a lot of things that I have lost that I wish that I had not lost. One thing is a big photo in The Masters School catalog, which I am in. This was the first catalog for the co-educational life of the school though I actually have not lost too much. There are always birds in the yard. My yard is quite big though the house is quite small. My aunt Carol is coming up to Connecticut next week, and she is staying at a hotel in Farmington, which I do not know how to spell right maybe. I am pretty sure of the spelling, but I am not positive. Anyway, she is bringing all of her kids though I do not know if her husband will be there.

I miss listening to music. I feel really fine today though I do not know why. Anyway, I can see the many trees in the yard from this vantage point, and there is

 

one big tree outside my window. I remember now going to McDonald’s two days ago, when I got a full meal there, which is an item on the drive-through list. The place was in Windsor near a gas station. I think that it is also near the place where I brought the deer tick that I had and where it was checked. The tick did not carry Lyme Disease. I am glad that it was called Lyme Disease, named after the town Old Lyme, than lime disease which would have put a humorous tint on it.

I was not at the McDonald’s long though for there were not many people in the drive-through. The place where I ordered had a medium-sized screen with red digital letters saying that this was where one ordered, and my mom had to wait until the person asked her what she wanted. To make a long story short, I ordered French fries, a Big Mac, and a Sprite. The Big Mac had two burgers in it along with some tartar sauce-type stuff and, I think, some cheese. The thing was not much to look at, but it tasted good. There is some Monopoly game that one can play there, and I took off the sticker on my fries and think that I won a breakfast sandwich from McDonald’s.

Well, I am being awfully melodramatic about going to a fast-food place. This place was new to me, though, as I have not been to one of those places in a while. I mean that I used to go there all the time, but things can become foreign to one without being there. Today is a superb day. The weather is simply superb. I kind of wish that I had something to do tonight besides watch television and that other nights I would have something to do also. I mean that I would like to have some friends and to go out to watch movies or, better yet, to play miniature golf. Anyway, I am glad that I have what I have. I kind of also wish that I had some better books to read.

I sincerely regret buying all of those Shakespeare books. I do not know why I got all of them. I must be crazy. I think that I am going to have to read just all-right or satisfactory books for the rest of my life. I have read all of the masterpieces. I am looking forward to Mamaw’s birthday, and I wonder if the family will have a cake. I am pretty sure that there will be one. Now is about time to conclude my entry. After I write this I will probably be done with academics for the day.

I hope that tonight I will be able to listen to some Mozart quintets. Tonight I will probably watch some television. I hope that the reader is still following me on my journals. Today I will have written about a full entry. I hope that the reader is diligent about righting his or her wrongs and continuing to do right always. I hope that the reader keeps a journal though if keeping a journal is not for him or her, that is perfectly fine too. Now I am off. I wish the reader well. I might see him or her tomorrow. I certainly hope that I am able to write tomorrow. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, July 28 2001

 

Today was another successful day with a hitch. I had to kill a yellow jacket that was in my room, and I was afraid of its stinging me. I am almost through with the Hawthorne book. I feel kind of tired right now. Today I rode my bike for about a half hour, and I was quite tired on the bike. I slept well last night.

Today I read Hawthorne’s book for about an hour. I do feel pretty well right now. My parents are at Mamaw and Popee’s house. They got a cake today, and they also got some Italian ice cream. I think that they got the good stuff on Franklin Avenue, which has many pastry shops.

Tomorrow I am probably going to Mamaw and Popee’s to celebrate Mamaw’s birthday. I do not know why I have been feeling good lately. I feel relaxed and tranquil. Still, the feeling tired is still there. The lady has not been singing lately, and all has been quite quiet. Therefore, I am pleasantly surprised. I had a hard time biking today because I had so little energy. This difficulty was kind of disappointing. In Hawthorne’s book Judge Pyncheon has died and Phoebe has returned to The House of the Seven Gables, as it is called. I do not have much left in the book. I saw a very fat woman walking today, and I hope that she loses her weight in this walking.

The streets were moderately busy. The cars that pass me in Windsor are nothing special though I did see a convertible BMW today. I just notice some cars that pass. I wonder what kind of cake my parents bought today. I like ice- cream cakes. I wonder what kind of Italian ice cream they bought. I think that I am going to ask my mom and dad to bring back those Shakespeare books to Borders. I just do not feel like reading them. I cannot figure out what books to read. I figure that I will just fall back on some old books that I bought and that I have not read yet. So, the next book that I will probably read will be Nietzsche’s The Birth of Tragedy. The Hawthorne book was a merely average book and was not as good as The Scarlet Letter. I wonder how old Mamaw is.

My mom visits Mamaw and Popee extremely often, and she is really attached to them. I wonder how my sister’s friend Michele Stratton is. I remember her as being really funny and smart. I think that I heard that she went to Villanova. She went to Northwest Catholic or to Windsor High School. Today by the way is a beautiful day, and it is not too hot or humid. Today was a great day to ride my bike.

That last paragraph was pretty long. I am wearing khaki long pants made by Woolrich. I am wearing a button-down shirt that Mamaw and Popee gave me, I think, for my birthday. The brand of it is Madison Trader, and it is quite nice.

They give me good gifts. On the River Trail today I saw a dove, which are the least shy of the birds. I need to clean off my bike with a hose, for it is kind of dusty and dirty. The bike would look better clean. If I got another bike, I guess that I would get a Giant or a Specialized.

I certainly would get a mountain bike because I would probably fall off of a road bike. I like the Rock Hopper though that might be too expensive. I could show it off on the River Trail. I mean that the bike is expensive because I have no

 

money. Otherwise, it is not really that expensive. The marsh looks like it has less water and more mud in it today. If I jumped off of the bridge, it looked as if I would land in mud. If I did, though, I would undoubtedly sink in water.

Moreover, that water would be deadly because it would be so hard to swim in. I wonder how it would be to canoe that marsh.

I am such an anonymous person, for I am not friends with anyone.

Nobody would recognize me had I not had some ties with Loomis that I have since severed with graduating from the place and its faculty. I owe God for keeping me active. He and His grace have kept me afloat. I look up to Him greatly, and I hope that I always will look up to Him. I think that all will be well as long as He looks upon me well and as long as I look up to Him.

I wish that I could run fast. Today I thought back to when I could run fast and when I ran down the street near Mamaw and Popee’s. Then I did not have to put much effort into running, and I could run really fast. Now it takes tons of effort just to jog for fifteen minutes. Before, when I was off medicine, I could run for about a half hour really fast with nearly no effort. At Loomis I could run fast, but now while I am on medicine I cannot run fast. Also, I have a very hard time playing the trumpet or the piano. I am too slow for those things, it seems. I mean that my reaction time for the piano is too slow and my lips for playing the trumpet are not strong enough now.

I wonder if I will ever get off of this Zyprexa and be out on my own. Yesterday I entertained the idea of publishing my journal, but this would probably not be that good. Fame might just be my undoing. Tomorrow is Mamaw’s birthday, and I am guessing that she will be seventy-seven years old though this is only a guess. I wonder what sporting events are on television this afternoon. Last night as usual there were terrible shows on television that are enough to make anyone depressed. I do not like watching golf or race car racing though I like watching tennis.

Today is a cool day. I just need to find some socks to wear. I guess that it would be fun going out to a water park with tubes and waterslides. Anyway, I guess that I could talk about the Hawthorne book. Judge Pyncheon died in Hepzibah’s chair, and he probably got a heart attack after Clifford and Hepzibah left the house. I guess that the Judge fell to old Maule’s curse. Maule had cursed Colonel Pyncheon hundreds of years ago, and the curse still stands against the Pyncheons. Clifford and Hepzibah have returned to the house, and Phoebe and Holgrave are there. Some angry people were outside of Hepzibah’s store before she came home, demanding to buy food though nobody would open her door.

There was a boy called Ned Higgins who wanted a gingerbread cookie.

The butcher came by, but angrily left when nobody answered the door. So, it is lucky for him that it looks like Clifford is not going to go to a mental institution after all. I know how terrible a mental institution is. The name Clifford reminds me of the cartoon cat’s name Heathcliff, which was an ornery cat that would stir up trouble a lot. The show “Heathcliff” was a hit, but now it is off of the air. I

 

wonder how the story will end. I probably have less than ten pages to read left. I wonder how The Birth of Tragedy will be, and whether I will understand the book. I am afraid that I will have to settle for just satisfactory books from now on. Well, now is about the end of the entry. I guess that I will watch television today.

Tonight I will probably listen to some Mozart quintets. I wonder when my parents will return from Mamaw and Popee’s. I wonder what I will have for dinner tonight. After I write this entry, I will rest. Today is really a beautiful day. I am still obviously hoping for a cure for schizophrenia, and I wonder if one ever will come and if there will be a cure for it one hundred years from now. Well, I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, July 31 2001

 

Today I struggled to find something to do. I felt too tired to read or to write, yet I exercised a lot today. My walking two loops of the River Trail took about fifty-two minutes, and riding my bike on the River Trail and by the train station took about a half hour. I have not, however, read today. Yesterday I read for about an hour and forty minutes total. I did not write yesterday. On Sunday I read for about a half hour and celebrated Mamaw’s birthday over here. I feel awfully tired right now, and I just felt too tired to do anything much today as far as academics at least. I saw a lot of people in all on the River Trail today. I passed an attractive young woman, who was wearing sandals, long pants, and a short- sleeved shirt.

I passed a couple of women, who looked to be friends, and an obese lady, whom I have often seen on the River Trail. Today was a beautiful day for exercising. A kid passed by on his bike, and he asked me how many miles I did each day. I said “Three.” I actually usually do about four. He said that he did thirty or forty miles all around the roads or something like that. I passed a short young lady.

I passed what looked like a boy and his grandparents, and a boy and a girl with who seemed to be their father. The boy and his father were on inline skates. On Sunday I celebrated Mamaw’s birthday over here, and Mamaw and Popee were here then. Popee talked about his uncles Frederick and Edward. The birthday cake was a whipped-cream cake, from Franklin Avenue, that was really good. Those Italian cakes are really good. For lunch over here at around two o’ clock I had lasagna, which was good too. I asked Mamaw how old she was, and I said that I could guess. I guessed seventy-seven, and she made a motion with her thumb upwards that meant higher. Then I guessed seventy-nine, and she affirmed that.

My parents got her some stuff, like soap and other beauty stuff. They also got her a purple Calvin Klein shirt, which she seemed to like. As a side gift they gave her some chocolates though they should not have given her those. My parents and Mamaw joked with Popee, and they put a grape and blueberry on

 

his plate and asked him to try each of them. Popee’s wearing an Izod shirt reminded me of when he only wore Izod Lacoste shirts, with the tiger on the front, which they unfortunately do not make anymore.

I do not think that I will do any more academics after this about half journal entry, and I guess that I will watch some television. I feel good that I was at least able to walk for a while, and I expended about as much energy doing so as biking about the same length of time. I hope that I can get back on track with my academics soon. I cannot just go and take walks every day, as that would be foolish. My dad went to see a poet yesterday, and he came home today. I think that the last name of the poet was Dunn, no, not the deceased Donne. Anyway, last night I had a piece of the birthday cake, and it was still fresh. I am reading Nietzsche’s The Birth of Tragedy, which I like. I like it better than The House of the Seven Gables that I finished on Sunday. Nietzsche is pretty smart though his book is kind of obtuse.

The Hawthorne book ended happily with Hepzibah, Clifford, and Phoebe moving out of the house and going to the country, where I guess they inherited Judge Pyncheon’s house. The mean Judge died in an armchair in The House of the Seven Gables. So, the book ends with them all moving and being happy. I especially think that the death of the Judge and the move helped Clifford, who will undoubtedly live out the end of his life in happiness.

Today has been a difficult day. I really did not feel like doing much academics, for I felt, to tell the truth, stressed out though I do not know why. I felt really good on my walk and my bike ride today. I just could not face reading today. I hope that tomorrow things will look up. My sleeping too much is a problem. Today has been really tough for me, but now things are looking up.

Actually, the morning was especially tough, but when I went out for my walk on the River Trail and figured that I could walk two loops, my depression lifted to see the beautiful sights of the trail.

I need some new T-shirts. I really need new shoes, though, and I got some small blisters on my feet today. Well, I am about through with my about half entry. I wish the reader well, and I hope that the reader is feeling terrific. I am glad that I wrote here today, and I hope that I will be able to write again tomorrow. After this I will rest and then have dinner. Last night for dinner my mom brought back a meal from Boston Market, which was only satisfactory. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, August 1 2001

 

I do not know what is wrong with me, and why every task takes a Herculean effort. I was barely able to get through this day. I do not feel very well mentally, and I do not know if I should blame the medicine. All I know is that I have been feeling very tired. I cannot blame the weather, for it is not too hot. I guess that my schizophrenia is to blame. Today I read The Birth of Tragedy for

 

about an hour, and I rode my bike for about a half hour. It was hot today, and I felt kind of uncomfortable in the sun though I felt all right in the shade.

Right now I feel extremely tired and stressed. I feel a lot of stress. My obsessions have been annoying me too. I like The Birth of Tragedy though I am not sure of the validity of it. I slept well last night. I can see a lot of robins in the yard.

Today I passed a lot of people on the trail. I need new shoes; I am being awfully random today. The Birth of Tragedy is quite a short book. Nietzsche went insane, and he died at a pretty early age.

I think that Carol and her family will be getting in tomorrow. I have been wondering at how Taylor is doing, and I think that he is about twelve years old. Anyway, I rode down by the tobacco fields today. The tobacco plant is quite tall grown now at, I would say, about seven or eight feet high. Last night I watched a lot of television. I saw “Beverly Hills 90210,” the news, “Law and Order,” part of a movie, “Dharma and Greg,” and part of “Spin City.” Yesterday I was not feeling too well overall like today, and I just did not have much energy. Today really was hot. Fall will be here before one knows it. There will be cool days and the leaves will change color. The school days start up. Other kids have to go to school, but not me. I feel awfully tired right now.

I guess that I could talk about The Birth of Tragedy. In the book, Nietzsche insults Euripides and praises Aeschylus and Sophocles, and I guess that Euripides came after the other two. Nietzsche says that Euripides put common people in his plays, and his characters were run-of-the-mill common people. I think that Nietzsche did not like this because it discounts the metaphysical.

Nietzsche says that there are two opposite stances toward the world, one being Apollonian and the other Dionysian. The Apollonian stance tends toward the moral and rational, while the Dionysian tends toward intoxication.

I just had a hunch that they are related as the Stoic is to the Epicurean. Nietzsche also thinks that in order to become a genius, one has to act counter nature at one time, thus in order for Oedipus to become a genius, he had to kill his father and sleep with his mother. If one will recall, Oedipus unknowingly married his mother and killed his father. The Freudian term Oedipus complex comes from this in which the son has an attraction to the mother albeit the attraction could be unconscious, I guess.

Nietzsche thinks that in order to become smart, one has to rip nature apart, so the smart man is also the man who suffers from his or her rip with nature. So, Nietzsche justifies that the outcasts of society can actually be the smart ones, thus the freaks could become the sages. Anyway, that is quite a liberal view, according to me. I do not know where Nietzsche got his idea of discoursing about the so-called Apollonian and Dionysian, for this idea is new to me and was not put forth in ancient times. I do not know how Apollo got put into the picture and was called Apollonian. I can see more how Dionysus was in the picture, as this pagan was an integral part of many of the Greek lives.

 

In the book Nietzsche is trying to talk about the birth of tragedy, but he also recently talked about how it ended. He says that the Greek religion became more historical, and the fresh part of this pagan religion became stale essentially. In Nietzsche’s opinion Euripides attempted to rescue the old religion, but failed to do so. Nietzsche also thought that although Euripides put common people as his characters, he did not like the common people; however, the writers Aeschylus and Sophocles who came before him cared a lot for public opinion.

My bike ride went well today though at times when I was not in the shade I felt uncomfortable. The river was quite low today. Right now is a time when I would like to be at a water park, where I could go down a water slide. I think that that would be fun though I would probably be scared in a water pipe. I would not be scared, however, in a tube ride where the top would be open. I dreamt last night that I was on a bus, and I saw a huge river with rapids on the road’s side.

I remarked to someone that I had seen that river before, as I remembered another dream that I had with a river with rapids. The river was big, and the water was clear except for the turbulence where there were rapids on a waterfall. There were several small waterfalls. To say the least, this dream was the tamest dream that I had last night. The river on the River Trail is colored brown, and there is not much water in it. The middle of the river is sand, for I guess that the river is low. On the River Trail I saw a biker who had his shirt off. I do not know why bicycle riders take their shirts off in the summer.

I passed a woman and what looked like her two children. I think that she said “Hi” to me, but I did not say “Hi” back because I was trying to navigate around her, her two children, and that bike rider who was coming up from behind them. Today I was barely able to read and to ride my bike, and I just felt so incredibly lethargic and unmotivated. This could be caused from my medicine or from my just not feeling up to par.

There is not much to talk about on television. On “Beverly Hills 90210” Dylan got conned out of a whole lot of money, Brandon got to meet the president, Brenda is planning to go off to London, Andrea is in the hospital with her new baby, and David and Donna have broken up. In the news, there is talk of disasters and bad news; there is not much on television these days. Anyway, television is something to do though it is as much like a mental institution as it can be at home watching this television. I mean that in a mental institution like I was in all there is to do is watch television, so millions of homes in the United States are like this mental institution.

Today is beautiful out, and the sun is shining in full force. It was nice on the River Trail under the canopy of trees. I do not know if I can keep up a schedule in the future like I have today though I hope that I will be able to. I just feel kind of lethargic today as I felt yesterday too. Maybe I am feeling down and melancholy. I am certainly thirsty right now, and I need some water or orange juice. I had a slice of cake last night, but I am through with eating that cake now, as it is probably getting stale.

 

Carol is coming to Connecticut tomorrow, and I wonder if her husband is coming too. I wonder what I am going to have for dinner tonight. I am feeling kind of tired right now. Well, I am about through with my entry for today, and I will have written about a full entry. I am probably not going to do any more academics for today. I will probably watch a lot of television tonight. I hope that it does not get too much warmer in the coming weeks ahead.

I hope that tomorrow I will be able to do academics obviously, but I might not have the energy to. I hope that the reader wishes me well and wishes that I will be able to continue writing in this journal, and I certainly hope that I will be able to keep the journal up. Well, I am off now. I hope that the reader is doing well. I kind of wish that there were more to do than watch television, but I really should probably not complain. Today anyway has been successful. I hope that I will see the reader tomorrow. Now I am going to rest. I hope that the rest of the day goes pretty well. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, August 2 2001

 

Today is really hot. I had an awful night last night, when my obsessions really got to me. I am probably not going to exercise today because it is so hot out. Last night was terrible. I read for about an hour today. I feel kind of tired right now, and I am not looking forward to that concert in Windsor tonight. I feel tired. Today is really hot out. I do not know if I will be able to do a full entry today. I just feel exhausted. My reading went well today. I tried to ride my bike, but I did not start because it was too hot. I do not think that I can continue. I will try to write tomorrow. Bye bye.

 

Friday, August 3 2001

 

Today I think that I will only be able to write a half entry if that. Like yesterday, today has been quite difficult. I could not ride my bike this afternoon because I was too tired. Yet now I seem to have more energy, so maybe I will be able to ride my bike later. I got more energy from reading my journal some. I read for about twenty minutes, I think, boosting my spirits some. For some reason I cannot seem to keep a schedule. My life has fallen into pieces, and I am trying to remedy the situation. Yesterday I was only able to write for about seven minutes. Today I was able to read The Birth of Tragedy for about fifty-two minutes. The book puts too much importance on music though. I feel quite depressed at not being able to keep up a schedule though if the schedule was a problem then I should not be too sad. I am writing with my windows open; today is quite hot. I think that it is important to write in my journal today.

Carol and her family have arrived in Connecticut. I feel awfully depressed right now. I feel greedy for reading some of my past entries. I do not know what is going to become of me without a schedule. I was feeling awful earlier, and I

 

could not even get out of the house to go for a bike ride. I felt too tired, and my head felt awful in terms of psychology. My schedule is truly hard to manage.

There are so many rituals involved. They all demand energy, and they might take up energy as well. Maybe I should publish my journal. Today has been kind of chaotic, and last night was extremely chaotic. Last night I ran for about sixteen minutes and then read part of a magazine for about twenty minutes, and I did all this at night when I usually watch television.

Yesterday I went to the Windsor Library and looked through a computer magazine on Apple computers. They showed the new iBook in it, which is smaller than the PowerBooks. The iBook was white. I want to figure out what burning CDs means, but it has something to do with DVDs, which are CDs that can have movies on them. Burning a CD might mean changing a CD into a DVD. Anyway, I am not sure what burning a CD means, as I am out of that whole technology scene. I have both of my windows open, which is a big change for me as they are usually closed because of those obsessions.

In reading my old journal entries, I found them pretty good. They were indeed pretty well written. My journal entries are quite long on average. This week has been a bad week for my journal because of my half entries and my short entry yesterday. The days here have just been so chaotic with me having next to no energy. Maybe my schedule was creating this problem, and maybe if I change my behavior, things might change. There is a throwback to the psychiatry field. The key word among psychiatrists is behavior. So, on the twentieth of this month I see James Bozzuto, who is likely in Cape Cod now.

Anyway, I am glad that I got a half entry in today.

I still cling to my old habits of time. For example, this half entry will be about a half hour. I am hoping that I will be able to ride my bike today. Maybe even without a schedule I will be able to do the things that I like doing. Still, I have got to not get too lazy these days. Maybe next week I will be able to write more than I did this week though that might just be a dream, yet maybe my dreams will come true. In any case, if I sound kind of pompous and superfluous today, it is because I have just read some of my previous entries. Well, I have got to go about now. I hope that I will be able to go for a bike ride today. I guess that tonight I will watch some television. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, August 4 2001

 

Hi. Today has been chaotic to say the least. I could not make it to Mamaw and Popee’s today. I was only able to read for about forty-seven minutes though I did go for a walk for about a half hour. I want to write a half entry, but I do not know if I will be able to. Today has been crazy. For a long time now I have been psychotic, and I probably still am. To make it worse this medicine makes me so tired. Today was a beautiful day. In the past my thoughts were constantly focused on certain psychotic thoughts. I would keep saying over and over that I

 

must be good. I kept saying over in my head that God is the best and good. I would call God my Lord and keep saying that I must be good. These thoughts were crippling, and I would repeat them hundreds of times a day.

I had to work in half-hour or hour intervals, and I believed that my dad was Satan. I thought that my parents were evil, which is why I ignored them. I thought that Popee was neutral good and that Mamaw was neutral. I thought that animals were reincarnated neutral people, and I would call animals neutralcies in affectionate terms. By the way, yesterday or the day before I saw a deer on the River Trail. I think that I saw it yesterday. My sister is home for the day, and she is leaving tomorrow. A really bad belief was that I was evil for all the time that I was at Trinity and that most of my journal was bad with only the past year as any good.

I mean that I thought that I was the Antichrist during those years. I saw my life up till I got my psychosis as good, and that with the onset of the psychosis I became the Antichrist. I thought basically that the bigger they are the harder they fall. Anyway, my parents are at Mamaw and Popee’s house. I am almost through with The Birth of Tragedy. I do not know how I am going to get on with life now, but I hope that I can drive my psychotic thoughts from my mind through the aid of this medicine and my will.

I am addicted to routine, and I do not see how I can do things without a routine though maybe I can work on changing it. I am so used to doing academics in hour intervals that I do not know if I can do them in any other way. The main thing that I want to do is to get rid of these psychotic thoughts and to go back to Trinity College this fall to take one course. Tonight I have gotten rid of my routine partially, not waiting for at least ten minutes after each thing I do, and it feels pretty good. I doubtless want to keep up a work ethic, though, for I do not want to wallow into oblivion. It is so hard living with schizophrenia. I do not know how long this period of sanity will last though I sure hope that it does last for a while. James Bozzuto is not here, so I kind of am left in the lurch. I miss seeing my cousins, as I was especially looking forward to seeing Taylor.

I wonder how Mamaw and Popee are doing. Today I watched some television until my parents and my sister left. Today I seem to be dodging the main issue, which is that I am trying to become sane through the sheer power of the will. I want to be sane and to go to college. This morning I felt extremely tired, and I swooned and then eventually was immobile in bed. Now I do not feel tired because the medicine is wearing off. Before I believed that nearly everyone was evil and that I alone among a select few was good, and this thought was comforting.

Maybe I will be able to keep up my academics in the future, and an ideal thing would be to go to college. I passed a couple on the River Trail today.

Related to this feeling of goodness I had to write good things too and not my true feelings. Some of my true feelings about things were repressed, and the result was that I wrote like a baby. I still cringe at writing anything that does not pass

 

for good, and I did not write what I did not see fit. Tonight I will probably watch television. Well, I am off now. I have written about a half entry. I hope that the reader is doing well. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, August 5 2001

 

After dinner, which was just now, I had a sudden attack of psychosis. I wanted to return to the state of thinking that I was good and that at Trinity College I was the Antichrist. Yet I found that too difficult to reach. Today has been a day when I was trying to recover from my thoughts although they came back in full force after dinner. I also still stuck to the half hour of walking today. Actually, I did break the half-hour cycle by doing about thirty-two minutes of walking. My sister went back to Boston today. I did not go to Mamaw’s and Popee’s today because I did not feel up to it, but I want to go Wednesday of this week.

Fighting against this schizophrenia is so difficult. I looked over my Greek book a little today, and I finished The Birth of Tragedy.  My walk today was  difficult because I felt so tired, and even walking I feel tired.  The end of Nietzsche’s book was kind of hard to understand.  I guess that next I will read  Night and Day, which is by Virginia Woolf. My thoughts were racing on the River Trail today. I kept repeating the time that I started walking and that I should stop walking. For example, I would say, “12:57 to 1:27” over and over in my head. Today is a beautiful day though today is quite hot. I might mention it to my mom that I want to try one course at Trinity College this fall. I watched some track and field  on television today, and it made me feel bad because I can barely walk.

I am on this medicine, which makes me so tired. I have had to struggle to keep up this journal even with half entries. I am attempting to write for about a half hour today and hence to do a half entry. I do not know what I am going to do tonight, but I guess that I will watch television. There is nothing else to do.

Right now it is hot in my room. My sister will be coming home pretty soon, and I guess that she will be home in about a week. This illness takes so much out of me, and I simply do not know if I can overcome it through sheer will.

My will is weakened by the medicine, and though I wish to get better, I do not know if I will be able to. I had less psychotic thoughts today though I still had some. I doubt if I will be able to get through this illness through sheer will though I certainly would like to. Today in all I did about an hour of academics. Some of that time was spent skimming through my Trinity Greek book.

Speaking of Greek, I wonder if I will ever get in a fraternity at Trinity. That would be very nice. Popee mentioned this to me before. Boy, it is hot in this room. I am still sticking to the half-hour routine tonight, as I cannot get out of it. I just hope that I will be able to go to Trinity College. I do not know how long I can last without my psychotic thoughts for comfort, for above all else these thoughts comfort me. Yet they also are the death of me. Maybe I can put these

 

thoughts to rest sometime. I still have obsessions right before I go to bed, and I am also obsessed with going back to Trinity College.

My grandparents want me to return there. I feel really tired on this dosage of medicine though I get a break at night. Still, at twenty-four years old and barely able to walk is depressing to me. Moreover, any schedule that I might have had is now destroyed, and I hope that it is destroyed for good because it was a poor schedule. Well, I am off now. Maybe I will be able to work on trying to break these time constraints that I still am trapped in. Maybe I will also be able to get my journal published to help other people. I guess that tonight I will probably watch some television. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Monday, August 6 2001

 

Today is a hot day, and I slept poorly last night because of the heat. I feel kind of tired right now. Today I started Night and Day by Virginia Woolf, which is well written. I have been thinking a lot about returning to Trinity College. I told my mom last night that I wanted to take a course, and she seemed excited about that. Today is really hot, and I might need an air conditioner for tonight. I wish that I had slept better last night. I wonder if there is a chance that I will return to college. I dreamt last night that some Loomis girls accused me of being intoxicated. This was preposterous, and I asked them to race me to prove that I was not intoxicated. I followed them to their dorm in an attempt to accuse them in front of the adults. I found them, and after they were suspended, they liked me because of my nerve to report them.

They liked me only temporarily though. I dreamt that I was on a bus, which was heading for Mississippi. I wanted to get off at my house, where my medicine was. Matthew Barber begged for the driver to stop. He stopped for only a second, which was not enough time for me to get off. Then he kept on going, and I knew that the driver would not stop again. The people on the bus were Loomis kids, and I guess that they were going to some party. I have the fan on now in my room since it is so hot. I do not really know what to say right now. I want to return to college even if I only take one course, and Trinity College is a good college too. Yesterday I listened to some Mozart quintets. Last night I looked through a newspaper. I have a lot of memories of my days at Loomis, and I thought of some today. I remembered the only time that I ever got drunk at a party, and how uncomfortable I felt then. This is touchy stuff to write down. I remember talking to Scott Sadowsky about his baseball game.

I wish that I were in shape. As it stands, I can barely jog for fifteen minutes though I can at least walk. I try to tell myself that my weight slows me down when jogging and makes me so tired, but it is probably the medicine that ravages me. I have been out of school now for almost two years, which is a lot of time to be out of school. There is nothing to do here at home except watch television, yet I am so afraid to return to college. I have just got to be courageous. Yesterday

 

night there was “Sixty Minutes” on television, which showed the terrors in Zimbabwe and a lawyer who went from dirt poor to very rich. The lawyer was a snake, for all he cared about was money. The other night I looked up several prep schools in a guide downstairs to find out their endowments as compared to Loomis’s. They had way more endowments, and they were filthy rich. The schools were St. Paul’s, Andover, and Exeter. Their endowments were about five times as much as Loomis’ endowment.

I probably should not be looking up these statistics. I saw from a Trinity College magazine that there were some good books published by Trinity College authors. I still have some recent Trinity College stuff, like a magazine and a course guide. I just hope that I will be able to return to college, for then I get my own mailbox. This gives me a sense of responsibility. I have tried a lot to return to college, and it has gotten me nowhere though maybe this time will be different. I hope very much that this is the case. My time is running out at my dream school, Trinity College. This college is a fine institution. The college is way better than the mental institution. At college there is a nice dining hall, a student center, a place to play video games, and a nice chapel with woodcuts on the pews.

I wish that it were not so hot today. I cannot sleep well in this weather. I wonder how my Loomis Chaffee teachers are doing. I was a good student for most of my time at Loomis Chaffee, and I was an even better student at Trinity College, where I won three awards for Latin and Greek. I won two awards for Greek and one award for Latin. Those days were rich with learning, and maybe those days can be won again so to speak.

If I take Latin in the fall, then I might have a chance to win an award in the spring when one takes the prize exams though I should not get ahead of myself. I thought some about taking piano lessons again, and I think that that would be fun. Maybe I could call Francis Angelo to ask him if he can teach lessons. He probably would reply that he was good at lessons. That was a joke, and I am just kidding. Another embarrassing part of my psychosis was that I was pretty racist about things. This is a consequence of psychotic thoughts that did not like people who were in minorities. This is a particularly debilitating thing because this limits one’s scope.

I remember eating dinner at Trinity College, where the dinners were pretty good though sometimes there was not much there. All I desire is to get a diploma from Trinity College. I cannot seem to escape this deadly curse of working for an hour at a time. Doing this is so annoying. News is boring these days though the topic of stem-cell research that is brought up is kind of interesting. I would ideally like to take one course in the fall and then two or three courses next. I am glad that I finished The Birth of Tragedy yesterday. The book ended with Nietzsche describing one of those smart Hellenes (as he calls them), or Greeks (as I call them). The man walks along with the Apollonian beauty apparent to him and along with the Dionysian wild nature in him. This is

 

the ideal man according to Nietzsche, and this is I think how the book ends though I am not quite sure.

Nietzsche ends the book praising the Greeks, though, and he paints a picture of what the Greek man sees. So, I cannot seem to get rid of my doing hour intervals. Anyway, I have gotten rid of a lot lately. I hope that the reader is doing well. I hope that I do not get psychotic. I am looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s this week, and I will probably go to their house on Wednesday of this week. I am extremely glad that I got a full entry in, and maybe I will be able to continue to do full entries. I certainly hope that I will be able to regularly do full entries. Well, my future at college is uncertain. Now I am off though. I wish the reader well. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, August 7 2001

 

Hi. I feel awfully tired right now. Today I read for about an hour and rode my bike for about a half hour. Today is really hot as was last night. Fortunately, I slept satisfactorily last night. It was discouraging that on my bike ride I got really hot. I did two laps around Loomis Chaffee and two laps on the River Trail. I saw what had to be two Loomis kids in what looked like a golf cart. I was really hot on my bike ride though the River Trail in the shade was cooler than the roads without shade.

I still want to go to Trinity College. Last night I flipped through a recent Trinity College magazine. I am writing pretty slowly today. I feel tired right now from my bike ride. There was nobody on the River Trail today. I am haunted by thoughts about prep schools. I am obsessed with them it seems. I heard Choate mentioned on “Law and Order” last night. I want to know the endowments of these prep schools though I have for the most part not given in to these obsessions. I used to though. I used to like flipping through the reviews on the prep schools in the NEPSAC league. I wonder how good of a school Loomis’s big athletic rival, the Kent School, is. I will bet that Loomis is the better school.

Exeter and Andover have more students than Loomis. St. Paul’s has less students than Loomis. So, one can see how obsessed I am with prep schools, and maybe all prep school graduates are like this. Tomorrow I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I did not get to see them on the weekend. I hope that I will be able to make it tomorrow.

Last night on “Law and Order” there was a character who got kicked out of Choate because of drug possession. Of course, this was fictional. I am glad that I never got kicked out of high school and that I did not get kicked out of college either. I might in fact return to college from my medical leave. I wonder how long I can stay on medical leave, and if I will graduate from college. Then maybe I can go on to graduate school at a nice college. I listened to some Vivaldi today. I listened to the Opus Four No. 5-11 Concertos, and I liked most of them. I wonder how Mamaw and Popee are doing. Today for lunch I had a turkey

 

sandwich. I rode two loops around Loomis. I think that the loop around Loomis I used to call the loop. Going to Loomis brought back some memories of me living there. I used to live there on campus until I moved to this house off of campus.

The houses on campus are not exactly big, but they are medium-size.

I have been watching too much “Beverly Hills 90210.” That show is so annoying, for the kids in college all have their little relationships. Not to mention that the title of the show is terrible, for a zip code is there. I remember at Loomis calling and asking for the zip code of different places and countries. I remember one particularly mischievous day when I asked for the zip code of Transylvania. All one had to do was dial zero and ask for the operator. I guess that that was pretty mean. Last night I slept pretty well, and I even slept with my windows open. I needed them open because without them open it would have been too hot to sleep.

I certainly hope that I will be able to return to Trinity College. I figure that if I stick with it, I can call them in about a week. Maybe I can take one course to start with at least. I could take Latin or a classical civilization course. Then maybe I can take more the next semester. At college maybe I can make some friends, who can then call me on the phone. Then when I return to college, maybe I can eat lunch or dinner there sometimes, and I will be able to get mail and a Trinity College magazine. I would have to go to the financial aid office. I wonder how much it will cost for me to return to Trinity College.

I wonder which teacher I will have if I go to Trinity College. The Latin course that I would take would be called Catullus, which will probably be kind of boring. I did some Catullus at Loomis Chaffee. At Loomis today the sprinklers were on undoubtedly to keep the grass green by Chaffee Hall. I saw a huge lawnmower doing its rounds, and I passed the Physical Plant building and the kids at soccer camp. There are a lot of speed bumps around Loomis. The gym is being partly torn apart, and I guess that there will be an expansion of it.

I am getting kind of tired right now. I am reading Night and Day by Virginia Woolf, which is pretty good. The book is well written. I hope that I will be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. Even though I have tried to get rid of my psychotic thoughts, I refuse to stop looking up to God. I think that I always will look up to God. While listening to Vivaldi today, I liked watching the birds fly up in a parabolic way. Their flight resembles the graph of x�™. One thing that I do remember is how to graph functions, which I did at Loomis and Trinity. At Trinity College I took precalculus and calculus, and at Loomis I took Calculus AB, which was not as tough as Calculus BC. I wonder if that system is still in place.

My Jewish ceremonial cup from the MET is now corroded, and it needs some polish. Moreover, my two sphinxes from the MET are slightly damaged from falling over many times, and I think that I bought them for about one hundred dollars, using the prize money from my prizes at college to buy them.

 

I wonder if Popee will want to play ping-pong tomorrow. I hope that Popee never falls again. Well, now I have to wrap up my entry. I am pretty sure that I have written a full entry today, but I am not positive of it since I might have forgotten the time that I began. Well, it is good enough that I am almost positive that I wrote about a full entry. Tonight I think that I will watch some television.

I will probably not write tomorrow, as I might be going to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow night. I hope that there is something decent on television tonight.

Well, maybe my obsessions with prep schools will decrease in the future. I will try to write Thursday, and I hope that I do. I am off now. I wish the reader fine tidings. I hope that the reader continues to hope that I will return to Trinity College and to get some friends to talk to. Now I am through with this entry, which I am surely glad that I wrote. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, August 8 2001

 

Today has been a disappointing day partially because the night was so poor. I slept terribly last night, and the heat was terrible. Now my computer is not working. The monitor is jumping up and down. The heat probably wrecked my computer. My life is crazy. My computer will not work right, and I slept poorly last night. Since I slept so badly, now I cannot go to Mamaw and Popee’s house tonight. I still want to return to Trinity College. I might have to get a new computer before I start up classes again, or maybe I can use my dad’s computer. He probably does not need the computer while he has his year off. Today I read Night and Day for about a half hour. Today is stifling hot. Just going briefly outside bakes me. I just must try all that I can to go to Mamaw and Popee’s this Saturday. Last night I tried sleeping in my sister’s room. The air conditioner woke me up though, as it kept turning itself on and off again. This monitor is messed up now, and the picture keeps going up and down. I wonder if there is a way to fix it. If there is no way to fix it, then I will have to use a notebook to write in for a while.

At least that will give me a chance to brush up on my handwriting. I wonder what is wrong with my computer. I have not had this computer that long, but if there was an air conditioner in this room this situation could have been missed. I do not dare exercise in this terrible weather. I just wish that this computer would work. I miss Mamaw and Popee. This fan has helped me through rough times. I just might have forgotten when I started this entry though I might not have forgotten. Anyway, I am going to try to do a half entry today.

Someone came over today to visit my dad. I am going to miss not seeing my grandparents. I slept really bad last night because of the heat. I hope that I can sleep well tonight though to do that I would need my parents’ air conditioner. I certainly hope that this computer can be fixed. Otherwise, I might have to write in a notebook for a long time. I am still hoping to return to Trinity

 

College this fall. There was a story on the news about a Trinity College football player. I hope that I will be able to fix this computer problem. I certainly hope that the problem does not get worse, and I am glad that the problem is not worse. The problem looks to be the monitor. The picture is messed up.

I feel bad about this because writing by hand is a slow thing. I am so used to writing on my computer. I am going to miss writing on the computer, and it has not sunk in yet that my computer is broken. This heat is so damaging to people and computers. I wish that it were fall. At least I can look forward to going to Trinity College in the fall if things work out. I sure hope that I will be able to fix this computer for the better, but it looks to be broken. The main thing that I wish for now is to be able to get to sleep tonight. I have a fan right in front of me, and I am still hot. Night and Day is a good book, and I like the characters. The story is interesting. I like the society in it though I cannot spell the name of the character whom I like. There are probably two versions of the name. The American version would likely be Katherine Hilbery, while the English version would be Katharine Hilbery maybe. Well, I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, August 9 2001

 

Last night my sleeping with the air conditioner on was quite encouraging. This bodes extremely well for the future, for it proves that I can sleep with noise. This means that I might eventually find a place of my own. I still want to return to college this fall. Today I feel really lonely. I think that the heat is part of it. It is really hot out. It is too hot to exercise though my room is not so bad. For lunch I had a turkey and cheese sandwich. My computer is working well today, and the monitor is working fine. This is a relief. After I wrote yesterday I turned on the computer, and the monitor was fine. So it did not surprise me to find that it worked today. Today is really hot. I feel bad for those construction workers who have to work in this heat, and I would never be able to do that.

I have my parents’ air conditioner in my room, and the brand of it is Kenmore. The air conditioner is pretty good though I was disturbed to find that I was cold last night. Still, even though I was cold I slept well. I did, however, have to put on some long pants and a long-sleeved shirt. Now the air conditioner is off, but the room remains pretty cool. I cannot wait until this hot weather diminishes. I find that I still have some obsessions even now while writing this about half entry. Today I want to write about a half entry since I am not up to really doing more. Today I read Night and Day for about an hour.

In the book, Katharine Hilbery is talking to her parents. I think that her dad thinks that she should marry William Rodney, but Katharine tells her father that she does not want to marry anyone. Ralph Denham likes Katharine.

Katharine dropped off to see Mary in an office building, where she was fascinated by the typewriters and the work, and she saw it as if in an other world as Woolf says. Katharine is not very close to Mary, but she might be later.

 

Katharine wanted to drop by to see Mary, and while there, she also saw Mary’s coworkers, including Mrs. Seal. The name sounds funny, as if in a seal of approval. I think that Mary was glad to see Katharine, and Mary told Mrs. Seal to stop talking so much. I think that the topic of the office building was for the suffrage movement, which might have been a woman’s rights movement though I am not sure. Katharine Hilbery is of the upper class, and she lives in a mansion with her parents. They have servants in the house and a really nice house. Mary is more in the middle class. When Ralph Denham first met Katharine, at a party he was mean to her, but now she is the phantom, as Woolf says, of his dreams.

Now that he saw her last she has become more of a reality than a phantom. When Katharine was at home, she checked the mail and found a letter about her second cousin. He had been seeing a lady whom he had some children by, and he was not married to her. Katharine talked to her father and told him that they must intervene and get this cousin to marry the woman whom he had children by. His father the next day told his daughter that he would write his wife a note, but he thus put the responsibility on Katharine to tell her mother about the situation because her father was off to work with a wave to her.

Ralph Denham, by the way, lives in a place with many brothers, and he scarcely has time to think for himself though he dearly wants to. Last night I stood around while my parents put in my air conditioner though I plugged it in, so I did something. My dad had to take my sister’s air conditioner and put it in my parents’ room. Last night I saw part of a crazy movie called Blazing Saddles, which is considered a comedy classic by many people. The movie was kind of ridiculous to me.

I hope that tomorrow I will be able to write. As of now I am looking forward to going to Trinity College in the fall. This time I have a pretty good feeling that I am going to make it there. If I do return, then I will have accomplished something that might make me feel good. Well, I am through with my about half entry now. I am off, and I wish the reader good fortune wherever he or she may be at in life. Bye bye.

 

Friday, August 10 2001

 

Now I am back to my old beliefs. I do not know whether they are right or not, but they seem hard to escape. Today I plan on writing only about a half entry. Today I read for about an hour and fifty minutes. Today I am back to my old beliefs and thoughts, for whatever good or ill that affords. I am in my room with the air conditioner on, and I think that this air conditioner gives me a headache. Maybe all of the freon is causing my headache.

I do not know if I will be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow though I would like to. I am reading Night and Day by Virginia Woolf. I do not know the significance of the title other than the books covers what people do at night and during the day. This whole week I have been wanting to return to

 

college. Now with my old beliefs back I do not want to return. I would rather stay here at home. I miss exercising in this heatwave. I have not been able to exercise much, and I am kind of worried about adding some pounds on.

I think that my sister is returning home tomorrow or the next day. I have a psychiatrist appointment on the twentieth. My mind is being ravaged by circumstances. This week it was ravaged by my obsessions with returning to Trinity College. Now I expect that I have to deal with thoughts and exhaustion. My mind has withstood more firepower than the United States planes in Iraq. My obsessions are back too, making me write otherwise than I want to.

Today is a hot day. I think that yesterday it reached one hundred degrees, but the humidity made it feel hotter. I am wearing a jean button-down shirt. It is cold in my room, and I have an ice-cream headache just from being in here. I think that I slept well last night, but I got up a lot during the night. Now it is not sunny at all, and it looks like it is going to rain. I miss my exercising every day. I wonder when my sister will get home. I wonder how she liked Boston.

She is going to leave for Spain in about three weeks. I miss Mamaw and Popee very much. I wonder if they miss me, and they probably do. I am looking forward to the fall. Pretty soon Christmas will be here, and that will be fun.

Then there will be my birthday on January 19, when I will be twenty-five years old. Throughout this week I have been fantasizing about returning to Trinity College. That is all that I have been thinking about nonstop. I could not stop thinking about returning there, and almost every day I looked reverently through the most recent Trinity College magazine that I had.

I think that it is drizzling out right now. For a few minutes it was raining really hard. I wonder when my sister will be home. I have not like I said been out exercising in what seems at least like I while. I have been good to my journal it seems though I have not written enough full entries lately. My mom said that my sister will be home for about three weeks. When all is said and done though, she will be in Spain for a while. I hope that she likes Spain, and I think that her major is Spanish. Oh well, I guess that I will try to survive with my sister and my exhaustion.

Today at least I was able to do a good amount of academics. My book is going along pretty well. The book is actually quite long. I read about forty pages today. I usually do not say how much I read. Well, I should write my conclusion about now. Today I guess that I will not do any more academics. I guess that for the rest of this day I will watch some television. I hope that the reader is not too disappointed at what I have written today. I wonder what I will have for dinner tonight. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, August 11 2001

 

I feel awful right now emotionally because I did not go to Mamaw and Popee’s today. I really let them down. Today was chaotic. I could not read Night

 

and Day or go to Mamaw and Popee’s. I rode my bike for about a half hour, and I read The Winter’s Tale by Shakespeare for about an hour and five minutes though I lost track of when I started that book. I just took my medicine, and I am writing here at night. I feel depressed because I have nobody to talk to. I miss my grandparents like I said. I guess that my sister will come home tomorrow since she did not come home today. My obsessions are annoying. The insects are really loud tonight, and they are annoying. I wonder how many insects are chirping tonight. It sounds like a Beethoven symphony. I do not like Beethoven very much. All I know today is that I miss Mamaw and Popee, and I feel an ache right in my heart that I did not see them today. I got up at a fairly good time, but as usual I got tired and fell back in bed immobile and swooning. So I got up finally pretty late. The medicine makes me feel so tired in the morning.

On my bike I was pretty slow. It was good to get some exercise today notwithstanding. My life seems so empty without my grandparents, and, to be sure, it is almost unbearable. I feel somewhat better writing out my feelings though I will only be writing for about a half hour today. I am not up for an hour entry today though I want to continue writing hour entries. It is pitch black outside. On my bike ride today, I passed an obese woman walking. I think that she was wearing white pants. My sister did not get back today.

Today was chaotic like I mentioned. I did not want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s because I did not feel good mentally. So, my parents went to Mamaw and Popee’s. I was at home, and I could not think of what to do after I got back from my bike ride. I just sat in bed for a long time thinking of something to do, whether I will make a title page for a volume of my journal or to go to the Windsor Library. I decided to go to the Windsor Library, but it was closed today at one. I wanted to go after one and to get some CDs there. So I had to sit around thinking of what to do without reading which I did not feel like doing.

I picked up a book called Firedrake, but I did not read it because it was of poor quality as to the physical shape of the book as it was old. Then I picked up Shakespeare, but at the time I could not understand it. I picked up Shakespeare again tonight when I got sick of the television, and I read that and understood it. I read for a total of a little over an hour, I guess, though I kind of forgot when I started the book. As one can tell from this journal entry my life is very chaotic as of late, and I feel somewhat unhappy. I wonder what kind of bugs are making that noise outside. I might have sounded somewhat pompous during this entry when my medicine did not kick in because my mind improves as the day wears on. Then the medicine kicks in, and I am back to square one.

I do not know what I am going to do tonight after I write this, as I will have some time before I go to bed. Last night I slept with my air conditioner on, but tonight I do not think that I will need it. Pretty soon the medicine will kick in, and I will feel off balance, tired, and too wide awake for my own good. I was so slow on the bike today that sometimes I just felt that I could not keep pedaling although I was on the bike for only about a half hour. Well, I am about through

 

with my entry now, but I hope that I will be able to return to writing for hour intervals soon if my mental state gets better. Well, I am glad that I was able to get about a half-hour entry in tonight. I am lonely, more than anything else, for company. I just hope that I can stay sane. I am off now. I wish the reader superb tidings if that is at all possible. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, August 14 2001

 

Right now I feel pretty well though I have had a hard time lately keeping up a good schedule. Yesterday, I went to the Windsor Library and got out some CDs, and I also rode my bike for about fifty-six minutes. Today I rode my bike for about fifty-three minutes.  Last night I read The Winter’s Tale by William Shakespeare for about fifty-three minutes. Yesterday was chaotic, and I only got around to reading late at night.  Today I read The Winter’s Tale for about an hour. I have not been able to read Night and Day, which I find harder to read than a play, though I hope that I will eventually get to it. I had a fine bike ride today. I did about two loops around Loomis on my bike ride, and I also went down by the tobacco fields, where there is dried tobacco in the sheds. I owe God much for keeping me sane of late.

I hope that I will always look up to Him and that He will always support me. He has been good to me of late even though my days are chaotic. He has grace, and His grace inspires me. I owe Him a lot. Yesterday my sister got home at around noon. She also listened to the television really loud, but I listened to Prokofiev’s Fifth Symphony, which drowned out the television noise.

On Sunday I visited Mamaw and Popee. I helped Mamaw to put her stereo in a better place and helped to bring her old stereo upstairs. I asked Popee if he liked classical music. Mamaw put on a Beethoven piece with Isaac Stern as violinist. I later told Mamaw that I did not like Beethoven. Popee said that he liked Mahler, so I put on Mahler’s Fifth Symphony on the stereo. Then I went on the porch, and I said that I liked Mahler’s symphony though Popee and I had not heard more than the first and second movements.

I told Mamaw, Popee, and my mom why I could not go to Trinity College. Namely, that I would need some medicine like Zoloft to help me to go to college. I told them that I could not go to college because of my obsessions. I even went so far as to tell them that I would tell myself that I could not sleep if I decided on going to Trinity College. My one devastating obsession seems to be that I tell myself that I will not be able to handle going to somewhere one day after another, that there would be too much stress.

I went to Mamaw and Popee’s earlier than usual on Sunday, and they were having lunch when I got there. My mom asked me in the car if I wanted to clean the house, keep a garden, write for magazines, or go take a class at Trinity College. She asked me a lot of things. Yesterday and today on my bike ride I had a lot of fun, and I go at a decent pace for anyone really. I start off really slowly,

 

but then I get into it and get faster. It is almost as if I have to get used to riding, and then when I get used to it during the ride, I go faster. I am disappointed that I am not able to write a full entry today. I have told myself to do about a half- hour entry today, and that is what I will do.

I would ideally like to get back to reading Virginia Woolf ’s book along with writing for about an hour. I want to return to a good schedule even if it means riding my bike for a half hour every day instead of these fun hour rides today and yesterday. My life right now is getting very chaotic. I just waited a couple minutes because of my obsessions, so I lost two whole minutes. Anyway, as I was saying, my days are chaotic, and I cannot keep the schedule that I want. So, things are difficult. There is a lot of wildlife in my yard right now; I can see some birds and a rabbit. The rabbit seems to live around here.

I can also see a monarch butterfly from here. Shakespeare is a bawdy writer, who reminds me of a fool in the Ultima computer game who says the most random things. Shakespeare is certainly not a being whom I can look up to as, say, a spiritual mentor. It is funny how humans like to read the cleverest and bawdiest thing written, and they prefer this in place of spiritual and dignified writing. I prefer uplifting stuff like Le Morte D’ Arthur or Montaigne’s essays.

Well, I am off now. I regret that I was able to write for only about a half hour though writing a half hour is better than not writing at all. Actually, I have some more time as I surprisingly misread my watch. As I was saying, even Virginia Woolf ’s books have a sort of melancholy optimism about them and a philanthropic nature.

Well, maybe I will be able to keep up a schedule in the days ahead. I have less obsessions now than I used to. My sister had to go to New York today to get her visa for going to Spain. There is a bird on the roof now, and it looks to be a small brown sparrow. There it just flew off, and now I have to fly off too. I wish the reader fine tidings. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, August 15 2001

 

Today started off terrible; then, however, things began to pick up with me going on about a fifty-five minute bike ride. Things have been going pretty well since I got up.  Today I finished The Winter’s Tale, which had a surprise ending that the queen, Hermione, was alive. The king Leontes thought that she had died many years before. Last night I listened to Vivaldi’s Opus 8, No.’s 5-11. These are concertos in the same opus that come after the famous The Four Seasons. I read this last night in the little booklet that came with the CD.

My sister has only been home for two days now, and I guess that she is planning to stay for about three weeks. Today is an absolutely beautiful day. I rode my bike for about fifty-five minutes including about three times on the Loomis loop. The bike ride turned out to be fun, and I did not feel tired even though I woke up much later than usual. I cannot believe how long I was in bed

 

today, and I do not think that in my whole life I was ever in bed for a longer period of time. A lot of people working at Loomis do menial jobs like landscaping and security. I am surprised at how many of these workers Loomis hires.

Loomis must be rich, but I do not see why they need so much manpower. I did not see many people at the soccer camp today on my bike ride, so they might have been at lunch or the camp might have ended. There were a lot of soccer balls on the field. I saw Louise Moran on the loop walking along. There are some construction workers on the River Trail, and I do not know what in the world that they could possibly need to do with the River Trail. On the River Trail I saw one tall and skinny woman who was carrying a phone in her hand.

Right now it is almost dinnertime, and I can hear the pitter-patter of plates downstairs.  Shakespeare really surprised me with the ending of The Winter’s Tale. I failed to read Virginia Woolf ’s book today, instead opting to read The Winter’s Tale, which I found easier to read since there was less text to read.  I started A Midsummer Night’s Dream with what little time I had left in my reading today, and the book seems pretty interesting. Those Shakespeare books are really cheap to buy. I feel bad that today I am planning on writing for only about a half hour, and I am doing only about a half entry today because of my long bike ride. I still am not doing what I would like as far as my schedule goes. Last night I slept fine, but my problem was oversleeping.

My bike ride went by pretty fast even though I was out for a while, and today was a really fine day to ride my bike. There were really a lot of cars and people at Loomis Chaffee today, and I found it humorous how the workers there are all buddy-buddy with another in waving to each other. Everyone at Loomis including the faculty just wave to each other like they are something special. I cannot believe how late I slept. I cannot believe it. This medicine is becoming more hated with every time I sleep late. Dinner is soon. I wonder what I am going to have for dinner tonight. I am glad that I even got in this entry today.

Things did not start out good on this day, but so far things have ended up pretty well. I just cannot believe how late I got up today. Right now the sun is out, and the temperature is fine. I usually get up in the morning at around ten-thirty, and I want to try to stick to this time even though that is late.

I would really like to lose some weight in my stomach, for then maybe I would find jogging easier. I hope that I can write for hour intervals, but if I cannot then this is the minimum time that I should write for I guess. It is just that I cannot put as much into a half entry as into a full entry. Well, tonight I guess that I will watch some television. The United States Open tennis tournament will probably start soon. I kind of miss playing tennis and the fun that I have playing. It is unusual that I have not seen anyone playing tennis on the courts at Loomis. I am off now. I wish the reader well. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, August 16 2001

 

 

I just got home from a bike ride. Today I am only going to be able to do about a half entry. Things looked up today, for I was able to read Night and Day for about an hour. This was very encouraging. Maybe I will be able to keep up a schedule after all now. I also rode my bike for about an hour. On my bike ride I went to the tobacco fields and around Loomis. I feel extremely bad for a chipmunk which ran across the street and which went into the gutter when it saw me. I feel really bad for that animal.

I feel really good after my bike ride, but the bad side of it is that I will only be able to write about a half entry today. I started off slowly on my bike ride, but I quickly picked up the pace. I liked riding around Loomis; I did not see anyone that I knew there today. There were a lot of lawnmowers out on the fields. The construction company that is working at Loomis is called Turner. I wonder when the construction of the extended gymnasium will be ready. Today is a beautiful day, and it is great for exercising. My bike is holding up well, and I noticed today that it is quite an attractive blue bike. The company that makes it is Giant, but I am repeating myself. The bike is quite a cheap one as compared with other quality mountain bikes.

I saw a lot of birds today on my bike ride. There were some people at Loomis today. I saw a kid who looked like he was a soccer player, but looked kind of dumb as if I were a ghost or something. He was wearing Adidas sandals. I saw a motley-looking man smoking a cigarette. I saw an even more motley man with long black hair and, I think, a beard. I just went around the loop at Loomis, not in to any of the inner buildings around Looms.

Night and Day is a pretty good book. Some of it that I read today kind of did not make much sense, as the conversation between Henry and Katharine seemed kind of superfluous. I think that Henry is Katharine’s cousin. Last night I listened to Prokofiev’s Fifth Symphony, which I liked, and I like the first two movements better than the last two. Last night she asked me what I was watching while I was watching “Law and Order,” and I said, “Law and Order.” I saw two episodes of that show last night; one was on the channel A&E and the other was on the channel NBC. Last night for dinner, in case the reader is wondering what I had, I had chicken and baked beans. I think that my favorite things to eat would be fruit. I like all kinds of fresh fruit.

I like plums, peaches, kiwis, bananas, oranges, and apricots among other things. Sometimes at dinner my parents make a fruit plate. Anyway, I feel kind of bad that I am only writing for about a half hour today. When my sister leaves or sooner I intend to get down to business and write full entries again. In Night and Day, all of the characters are close in their personal relations, thus everyone in the book seems connected by friendship or kin. I think that the main character, the protagonist, is probably Katharine Hilbery.

I think that she is engaged to be married to William Rodney, whom she does not like as much as she should for a woman who is about to marry. Well, I

 

am about through with this entry today. So, after writing this entry I will be through with academics for the day. I am glad that I wrote at all today, and I should try to keep up my writing even though I might be interrupted some times. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Friday, August 17 2001

 

Hi. I have the air conditioner on now. Today I could barely ride my bike, but I managed somehow to ride for about a half hour on an easier gear than normal. I feel exhausted right now. I read Night and Day for about fifty minutes. I feel awfully tired. I cannot keep writing, but I hope that I will feel better later on. Bye bye. Well, I guess that I can keep trying, as that will not hurt. I was exhausted on my bike ride as I am exhausted writing now. I feel so tired. I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow, but I do not know if I will be able to. I wonder why I could barely pedal my bike today. The feeling was awful. I saw a disturbing “Law and Order” last night where the psychiatrist got raped by a doctor. Today is a beautiful day, but has turned out for me to be quite bad. I mean that now I do not know if I will be able to see my grandparents tomorrow because of the disappointing performance on my bike.

I wish that I was not so bad on the bike today. I felt like the medicine was taking away all of my energy, and it truly was doing so. I feel bad that I am only going to write for about a half hour today, for I do not have any energy to write a full entry today. I sound like some news man on television. I sound like an anchor. I saw Trinity College on the news yesterday; the school was giving away some of its old computers to the neighborhood.

On my bike ride I could only do one loop, and then I went down Broad Street some. I just turned off the television and went up to bed. My air conditioner is set to a setting of 69, whatever that means. Right now it is cool in my room.

Outside it is pretty hot.

I have a psychiatrist appointment on Monday. I have not been to see the psychiatrist in a long time. He has been in Cape Cod. I guess that I will tell him what I have been doing. I have been doing pretty well here. Anyway, today was absolutely awful on my bike ride, and I even grunted in annoyance on the River Trail when my legs just would not move much. Last night I had chicken, seafood salad, and potato salad for dinner. I had a very hard night last night.

I hope that tonight I have an easier night. I feel better after writing this. Now I am almost done with this half entry. I have been writing these half entries all week, and I hope that the reader is not fed up with or bored with them. Now I am off, but not before wishing the reader well and hoping that he or she is in good health. Maybe a cure will come for me someday. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, August 21 2001

 

These last days have been quite tough, and only today was I able to ride my bike for a full half hour. I have been thinking constantly about Zoloft, whether I should take it. I do not think that I have written here since Friday. I do not know if I should take Zoloft. I am hoping that it will allow me to return to Trinity College if I take it. Today I rode my bike for a half hour. Yesterday I read for about an hour and forty seven minutes, and I also went to the psychiatrist appointment. The psychiatrist did not mention anything about medicine to take to cure my anxiety. Today is a nice day. Yesterday I was reading The Tempest by Shakespeare, but I did not have the energy to read the Virginia Woolf book. On Saturday I saw Mamaw and Popee, but I did not talk much that day. Yesterday I had to talk a lot though. On my bike ride today I did not go on the River Trail because there was a lot of construction that blocked most of the road to get there, and I did three loops around Loomis instead. I saw some girls playing tennis. I do not know if Zoloft would help me get to school or not.

If the medicine worked, I would be glad. If it caused me problems, then that would stink. I just do not know whether to take it. There is also always a risk with taking new medicine, as it might make me feel terrible. I have my air conditioner on now. I was thinking about going on the Internet to look up Zoloft and some other medications though that might not be a good idea. I might learn nothing important that I already did not know. Yesterday I was asked many questions by the psychiatrist, including if my sister was home and how my parents were.

On Saturday I went to see Mamaw and Popee in Hartford, and beforehand I stopped off at the clothing store Bazilians. I got a nice shirt and some shorts though their selection of shorts was poor since they had all fall stuff there. The only reason that I have been thinking about Zoloft is that my mom mentioned it last night and said that it would be good if I went to college. She has a lot of influence with me, and if it were not for her today, I would not even be thinking about college as much.

Right now I am thinking about it nearly constantly. If I did take Zoloft, then maybe, like mom said, I would be able to go places. I have been listening to Prokofiev’s Fifth Symphony pretty much. I wonder who makes Zoloft. I hope that a good company makes it. I would want to be put on a small dose though I am kind of wary about going on a new medicine. Maybe I should go on Paxil instead of Zoloft. One can tell how the thought of these medicines is really in my head a lot. I did go on a bike ride around Loomis today. There were a lot of workers there, and the people working were mostly the grounds crew as they are called. I need some new shoes, as my Nikes are getting old. They look quite poor. One medicine that I am afraid of is Prozac, for that name itself spells terror. I do not know how things would be on that medicine. That medicine seems kind of old, but maybe the other medicines like it are old too.

The soccer goals are up at Loomis. Near the tennis courts I saw a really nice yellow car, which I think was a new Porsche. Most of the cars that I saw at

 

Loomis were trucks and vans that the grounds crew use. I wonder how life would be on more medicine. Maybe I am hoping for too much with them. They might be horrible. Maybe I should just stick with what medicine I have. I went down Broad Street some today, and I passed a small boy on his bike. He was riding on the sidewalk too. Today I listened to two suites by Georg Philipp Telemann. I got this CD from the library, and I like this it. I started listening to Brahms’ Second Symphony, but I did not like it much. The Shakespeare book The Tempest is quite vulgar, and it is offensive. There is too much emphasis placed on alcohol and evil. Shakespeare must have been quite a vulgar man with a knack for words, an alcoholic with a vanity. I like Homer much more, as those two are often mentioned in the same breath.

Some of the characters in The Tempest are Alonso (the King of Naples), his son Ferdinand, Prospero, his brother Antonio (who usurped his title of duke through bad means), and Miranda (who is Prospero’s beautiful daughter). I want to end my entry now after having written for about forty minutes. I am glad that I wrote today, and I want to continue this trend of writing for the rest of the week. The point is that now I got in an important partial entry, and I want to write regularly in my journal and not give it up. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, August 22 2001

 

I recently got home from a bike ride. I have not been feeling well mentally though. I might want to take Zoloft or something like it. I feel really awful today. I have not been able to read. I rode my bike though for about thirty-six minutes, yet I am having trouble reading. I just do not know what to do. I cannot concentrate well. I feel lousy. I just feel that it is important to keep writing even if it is only a half entry. Obsessions are annoying too. I wonder if Zoloft would work. I feel so awkward right now. I feel like the world is spinning. I got up pretty late today. On my bike ride, I passed a lady walking her small dog. I am not feeling well at all. The only positive thing is that the air conditioner is making my room cool, and I wish that it could make my head cool as well.

I do not know if this is something that I can get over, for I have been having trouble with academics for a while now. I wish that I just did not have to suffer so. I need to pump up my bike’s tires. Last night I rode my bike for about a half hour, so in total I rode for about an hour yesterday. Last night, I passed by an attractive young woman jogging. I think that she had blond hair, and she might have been wearing a radio. I also passed another young woman, who was wearing a white and green Steiger’s T-shirt and red shorts. She was jogging, and she might have been one of the Baxter girls. There is a teacher with the last name of Baxter at Loomis who had two girls I think. Anyway, today I feel awful. This morning was the worst morning in a couple months I guess. Now I feel a bit better though I still do not feel well.

 

I feel like the whole world is caving in on me. My head feels like a gigantic tornado, and sick like someone who has pneumonia. I have no energy. I am afraid to take Zoloft though. The prospect of taking another pill does not go well with me. That means I have to deal with another pill if the reader knows what I mean. Who knows what bad things will happen while I am on this pill. I am scared that things will not get better but worse. Things do not seem like they could get worse, but I am sure that they can. If I do not treat myself now, though, I might not be able to live a productive life. I should treat my bad feelings now so that I do not get psychotic again. I have often thought lately about the history of my anxiety. I mean that I have often thought lately that I have had anxiety for a long time, and I might have actually gotten this idea from my former psychiatrist Thomas Hill. He thought that I had anxiety way back in middle school. He might have been right.

Yet he might have been wrong, and I might be thinking about anxiety in the wrong way. I guess that I think that anxiety means being too shy and being afraid of social situations. I think that it means to be really shy in all social matters. I also think that it can build up over time and really can get nasty and hurt someone. Maybe it might have happened that I had anxiety (whatever it is) and that it built up over time and caused me eventually to develop behaviors that eventually caused me to get schizophrenia.

I feel a bit better after writing this entry. I am surprised at how calm I feel now. Writing really does help me. Still, I feel like I am missing out on a lot of reading. Also, I cannot seem to do much. Today is a beautiful day. If I did not have this illness, I wonder where I would be now. I feel bad that I could not write more today. I miss my one-hour entries. Maybe it would help if I took some medicine like Zoloft with this Zyprexa. One way or another I want to return to doing one-hour journal entries. I can say a lot more in one hour than in a half hour. One hour entries are better than half hour entries. Well, I have got to split now. I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, August 23 2001

 

Today has been positive. The day started off really chaotic in the morning, when I kept debating what in the world I would do. I really did not know what to do, yet I tried to read Virginia Woolf ’s book and was able to. This was a pleasant surprise. I followed that up with a bike ride for about a half hour. Still I am thinking about taking medicine, only now I am thinking about taking Paxil    instead of Zoloft. Today is a beautiful day, and it was a great day for exercising.

There is some construction going on on the road that I take to get to the River Trail, and I passed some people working there. I think that my sister is out though the car is here. I have been watching that Beverly Hills show too much. The show is addicting to me because the people in it are about my age. Anyway, I am glad that I was able to read today. I am glad that I like Virginia Woolf as a

 

writer. She knows a lot about personal relationships. Yesterday I felt pretty bad. I was feeling bad this morning too, but somehow I was able to pull a rabbit out of a hat and read Night and Day. Last night I listened to a couple Mozart quintets, which I basically know by heart now. So, I doubt if I will listen to that CD much more.

Since I do not want to push myself too hard, I am only going to write for about a half entry, and I am just glad that I was able to do what I was able to do today. I do not know if I should take Paxil. I have taken the medicine before, and I stopped taking it supposedly from feeling bad on it. Yet I do not know if I really felt bad on it or if it was my schizophrenia talking. If Paxil treats obsessive- compulsive disorder in addition to anxiety then it might be worth a try again. Yet I hear that it takes a couple of weeks to work. I have a psychiatrist appointment on Monday. So, I might be able to take the medicine pretty soon. I wish that I knew more about Paxil. I think that a company with a name something like Smith Kline Beecham makes the drug. I am not sure of that though.

Yesterday I read a bit of my journal from about a year ago, and then I was having the same problems with obsessions and anxiety as now. In those earlier entries I kept debating whether I should go to Trinity College. Also when I made up my mind, I got gung-ho on it, and then would change my mind from giving up a week later. I did not really give up, but I could not keep this decision. It was not from a failure on my part but from a chemical problem in my brain that kept me from keeping this decision. I guess that taking Paxil is worth a try. Maybe it would help me a lot as my mom says that it helped someone she worked with.

My mom said that a lot of people took Zoloft and Paxil. I do not think that I am depressed, but I think that I have anxiety and maybe a small obsessive disorder. If I can get rid of these with medicine, then maybe I could really return to Trinity College instead of just thinking about it.

I must be boring the reader talking about my psychological problems. In

Night and Day, Ralph Denham asks Mary Datchet to marry him. She refuses. Ralph has feelings for Katharine Hilbery, who is engaged to be married to William Rodney though she does not have strong feelings for him. I do not like the character of William Rodney because he is so mean to Katharine. He hoards her attentions. He cares more for the appearance of nobility than in true nobility of character. For example, when Katharine feels bad and is sitting on the ground, he cares more to get the leaves off of her coat than to assuage her melancholy. I like Ralph Denham because his situation kind of reminds me of myself. He feels kind of annoyed being at home, and he wants to be on his own.

Well, now is about time to go. I do not think that I will do anymore academics today. I certainly hope that the reader is doing all right. I wish the reader well, and I hope that he or she continues to read this journal. Well, I am off now. I want to write tomorrow, and I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, August 25 2001

 

Today was a very unusual day for me. I exercised a lot. I walked and jogged for about fifty minutes, and then I rode my bike for about a half hour. When I woke up today, I did not know what in the world I was going to do. I could not read, and I really did not even try to read. As a last resort, I decided to try my hand at jogging to the River Trail, and when I got there, I walked. God has helped me to save this day. I owe Him for His grace, and I hope that I will always be there for Him. I must always look up to Him and His good deeds. He truly is wonderful to have on my side.

I walked two times around the River Trail today, and then I rode my bike three times around the River Trail. I did not go to Mamaw and Popee’s today. I wanted to, but I found that I could not. I feel that I have to go to the appointment that I have Monday. Maybe I will be able to take some Paxil, which I looked up yesterday on the Internet. I found out that Paxil is meant for anxiety, depression, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Maybe that medicine would help me. I had a really good time exercising today. I think that yesterday I rode my bike for about an hour. I had a good time then too. Yet my academics are so difficult to keep up. Today is a lovely day. My sister is not home right now, for she left a little while ago to a friend’s house I think. Maybe Monday I will start taking Paxil, and I certainly hope that it works all right. I read on the Internet that it can cause tiredness. I just hope that for me there will not be much tiredness. I miss Mamaw and Popee, and I hope that with Paxil maybe I can visit them a lot.

I did not get to read at all today though I am glad that I am getting a chance to write here today. I wonder how Mamaw and Popee are right now. My bike is holding up well, and yesterday I pumped up my tires. I just have to pump up the tires once every month or two to keep the bike in shape. I am writing this before dinner. I wonder if I will end up taking Paxil. Today I am only going to do about a half entry, as I do not want to do a full entry. I feel sad at not being able to see Mamaw and Popee though this is assuaged by knowing that I cannot really help it that I feel this way. I mean that my illness is not my fault. If I am on Paxil, I am hoping that I will be able to see my grandparents more often. Now I have got to end my entry. I will try to write here tomorrow. Tonight I am going to watch some television. I have got to go. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, August 28 2001

 

Yesterday I had a psychiatrist appointment. I brought up Paxil, but he did not want to put me on it. I had asked my dad about it, and he said that it was addictive. Last night I read Shakespeare for about an hour. I finished The Tempest and started Richard II. Right now I feel exhausted from the medicine. I struggled a lot on the River Trail today in my bike riding. I feel depressed. I have not seen my grandparents in a really long time. Yesterday I was asked tons of

 

questions. I feel bad. I just am so tired on this medicine. I wanted to do an hour entry today, but I do not know if I will be able to. Today is a beautiful day regardless.

I have been watching way too much television. So much for Paxil, which I thought so much about before. So much for Zoloft too. It is funny how much I thought about those medicines when they were not even prescribed. My dad brought me to the appointment yesterday. My mom is home today. I have my air conditioner on right now. My sister’s friend’s car is here, which is a white Mercedes wagon. My sister is going to be leaving on Thursday, and I am not sure if she is going directly to Spain or if she is going to Boston first. The doctor thought that something was causing me not to be able to read, and I do not know what that could be. I think that I am just on too much medicine.

My dreams keep me going though. I have really good dreams. I am in bed more than I am up it seems. My sister just got home. Right now the United States Open tennis tournament is going on. I feel kind of depressed right now.

Listen, I will keep trying to write here against all of the odds. Now, however, I should go while I am ahead. I just wish that things were better these days. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, August 29 2001

 

Today I feel pretty well. I was able to read Richard II by Shakespeare for about an hour today and to ride my bike for about a half hour. Now I plan on writing here in my journal for about a half hour. I just hope that I can get in this journal entry today. Maybe soon I can start doing one-hour entries again. I have not yet worn my new shirt that I got at Bazilians. I need some new shoes. Today really is a beautiful day. On my bike ride today I saw Woody Hess in his Toyota, and he was seemingly headed towards Loomis. Shakespeare thinks that Italy is better than England. That is what I get from his works.

I am from both England and Italy. I miss some depth in Shakespeare though. Today was an awful day as far as getting up is concerned. I have not written a full journal entry in a while, and I have also not written a half entry since around Saturday or Sunday of last week. Things have certainly been tough of late, but today things are looking up. The appointment with the psychiatrist must have helped some, and talking briefly with my dad on Monday might have helped too. I am relieved that I do not have to take Paxil. Thomas Hill once prescribed this for me, and he probably was wrong to do so. I think that sometimes I have nightmares about him, in which I become his patient in a terrible mental hospital. I have scary dreams about me being in the mental hospital and getting surgery done on my brain. I am always worried before the operation at how I will be after the operation is done. There is construction and phone work going on throughout Windsor. Everywhere I turn I see a man in an

 

orange bib working on something, whether he is on the River Trail or on the streets.

I saw some people on the River Trail today. I saw a woman rollerblading, and she had a young boy with her. I also saw what looked like a family. On the River Trail, and this is kind of humorous now that I look back on it, there were three little kids who passed me on their small bikes. They were going faster than I was, and I guess that I was like an old man to them. I guess that Loomis is going to be starting up again soon. There seem to be more cars going to and from Loomis than usual during this summer. I saw on a fact card from Loomis that Loomis now has a ninety-five million dollar endowment, so I guess that it is now catching up to some big schools. Still, it has a lot to go to catch up with the really big schools Exeter, Andover, Deerfield, Groton, and Choate.

/I feel really encouraged about writing here today, and I feel happy that I was able to read today. What I really want to be able to do is to finish Night and Day by Virginia Woolf. Yesterday night I watched television a lot. Lately, when I have not been feeling well I have found that I have to turn to television. Now, however, things appear to be looking up. I just wish that I had a house of my own, but I guess that that is not possible right now. Well, I am about through with this half entry. I really am looking forward to possibly writing full one-hour entries really soon. I hope that today is not a fluke and that I really am improving. Yesterday after I wrote, I went for about a half-hour jog and walk. I mean that I was out for a total of about a half hour. This lifted my spirits after a dismal time at my journal entry. Still, I did write some yesterday. Well, I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, August 30 2001

 

Today went really well, and I felt good waking up today. I was even able to read Night and Day for about an hour. I just recently got home from a bike ride. My parents are off bringing my sister to Boston, where she will get a flight to Spain. I think that she will be in a place called Cordoba. I guess that my parents will probably be home around the time for dinner or a bit later. Today is a beautiful day that hints of the fall. I wore a long-sleeved blue Adidas shirt on my bike ride, and now I am wearing this infamous Hog Jog shirt from the time when I got it for a 5K run in South Windsor.

I think that school will be starting up soon at many schools. Most kids start school soon, and I kind of wish that I were starting school too. I would like to start school at Trinity College, albeit I am happy staying here at home. Today I can actually admit that I feel kind of happy. I am looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s on Saturday; I really want to visit. If this trend of feeling all right continues, then I will probably be at Mamaw and Popee’s this Saturday.

Today I am only going to write for about a half hour, but in about a week or so maybe I can start up with one-hour entries again.

 

The book Night and Day is a fine book, and I like all of the main characters in it besides William Rodney. Recently in the book, Mary has told Katharine that Ralph Denham has fallen in love with Katharine. Mary also tells her that she loves him. So, Mary loves Denham, but he does not love her. He loves Katharine. Tonight I think that I will listen to Prokofiev’s Fifth Symphony. I think that I might bring back the library CDs some days late, but not too late where there would be a lot of fines. Obviously, I hope that the reader is doing all right and has stuck with me through difficult times. In those times, I was obviously still a human being. Now I am feeling better, and I hope that this feeling lasts for a long time in the future.

I hope that my sister has fun while in Spain, and I hope that she will be safe until she gets home. Maybe she will be home in December. She was very considerate about my feelings while I was here at home. I look up to her that she gets to go to Spain, yet I am certainly content to stay here in Windsor as long as I have my books, my bike, and my music. I cannot believe that this summer has gone by this fast and that it is almost September. I wonder when my parents will get home.

I need new shoes, and I want to get some new Nike Air Maxes. Not much is happening in the news. All that is on the news is how the economy is doing and how gas prices are doing. Still, the news is all right to watch. The show that is destroying me is that Beverly Hills 90210, which is almost like a soap opera now, though there is not much else to watch in that time slot. Also, now “Law and Order” keeps showing episodes that I have already seen before. So, the television watching is not easy, to say the least, though it is not too bad of yet.

I wonder when my sister will come back home, and if she will like Spain. Today on my bike ride, I noticed though I do not think for the first time that the tobacco plants were cut down, so I guess that they were ripe for the picking as they say. I would rather that they were not grown and used for cigarettes and the like in the first place. I hate all manner of drugs though I myself am probably taking a more powerful drug than nicotine.

After I write this I will probably be done with academics for the day. I should end my journal entry about now now that a half hour is about up. I am looking forward to reading regularly again, and maybe I will be stronger because of my difficulties. Tonight I will probably watch some television and listen to Prokofiev’s Fifth Symphony. Well, now I am off. I will probably see the reader tomorrow. Bye bye.

 

Friday, August 31 2001

 

Right now it is raining out, so I guess that I will stay in and write this journal entry. Today I had a slow start, as I felt really lethargic. Things picked up though when I read Richard II for about an hour. I do not think that it has rained in a while. I do not have much left in Richard II, and the play is all right. I find

 

Shakespeare easier to read than a novel. There is less reading involved though I kind of wish that I could have read Night and Day.

I am looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow, and I really must make sure that I go there. I miss them a lot. I think that my aunt Ann will be coming up soon. I regret that I did not get to see Carol and her kids when they were up here. Now they are in Missouri. My sister is probably in Spain right now, and I hope that all went well and wonder where in Spain she is now.

Yesterday night I listened to Prokofiev, and I found it mysterious and scary. I like the Fifth Symphony, and I felt as if I were in a ghost-filled house. I wonder how Mamaw and Popee are doing, and I am looking forward to seeing them tomorrow. Maybe I will be able to play ping-pong with Popee tomorrow. I think that I will do about a full entry today, for I do not want to get caught in the rain while biking. I saw some of the U.S. Open yesterday though Prokofiev was more interesting. Still, Agassi was impressive. My mom was home yesterday.

I am almost through with Richard II. I think that Bolingbroke wants to take the scepter from King Richard, yet King Richard was at one point unwilling to do so without a fight. Yet when Richard had lost the Welsh fighting men, he realized that he did not have much of a chance against Bolingbroke, thus Richard has had to give himself up at Flint. His wife, the queen, is surprised at this news, and waxes melancholy at the news. She hears the news from a gardener. Richard feels without much power now, and he has had to give himself up.

Yet Bolingbroke does not want to kill him, and he refers to Richard as His Majesty. Bolingbroke was just mad because of the sentence of exile given him by the king. I wonder how the play will end. Shakespeare is not a bad writer by any means, and he seems to like to want to write about royalty both in England and in other places. Shakespeare has a good feel for words, but he can tend to write things that sound vulgar. He does not write very uplifting or Christian stuff. The rain has picked up wickedly now. That is a Shakespeare sentence. Right now all of a sudden the rain has picked up. It is pouring right now. I like the parts in Shakespeare when he has the roles of, say, the jester and the jailer. These roles are very important to me, and are a welcome change from the roles of kings and dukes. I will bet that Duke University likes Shakespeare.

Right now it is almost dark out, and it is scary how dark it is out. I feel as if I am writing at night. Of all the characters in Shakespeare, he saves the most wisdom to be put out of the mouth of the jester or the fool. I do not think that there is a jester in Richard II, but there are in other plays. I wonder if there has been any rain delay at the U.S. Open today. There are a lot of Russians and Americans in the draw at the U. S. Open. Shakespeare plays are pretty short, yet they seem to contain a lot of stuff. The speeches are pretty packed with meaning, and there really is a lot that can be said in a short space. My obsessions are still pretty annoying, making me change my sentences and all. They are really annoying, but they are not too bad.

 

I wonder if Popee is enjoying the tennis. I wonder if he is watching it, and he probably is. Agassi has advanced though I doubt that he will win the tournament. I would think that Kuerten might win it though Agassi certainly has a chance. Andy Roddick could get far and maybe even win the title. I hate to see, as has happened, a lot of Americans get eliminated early. On Monday I had my psychiatrist appointment, and ever since then I have felt better. I guess that I have felt that I have to live with some anxiety. I guess that I just will have to get through my tough times.

Things are looking up now. On Monday the psychiatrist did not keep me for a full half hour, and I was there for about twenty minutes. He asked me about tennis, and I told him that I could not read or visit. I was surprised that he did not suggest taking a different medicine. I brought up taking Paxil or Zoloft, but he said that they were tricky and that they took four to six weeks to work. So, he did not think that taking one of those would be a good idea. One thing that I would really like to do is go on vacation at the beach. I am sure that my parents would like to do that too. I think that that would be a great idea.

Now if only I could get rid of this illness, I could go to the beach though right now that is only a pipe dream. It is still pretty warm out even though it is raining. Although I wanted to read Night and Day today, I was not able to, yet I was able to read the easier Shakespeare. I have enough Shakespeare books to last a while. I hope that I will eventually be able to finish the Virginia Woolf book, which I am very fond of. I have had a hard time finding anything to watch on television lately, and I am sick of watching that “Beverly Hills 90210.” Also, I have seen already almost all of the “Law and Order” episodes.

So, I have wanted to watch something besides those shows though there is nothing much else on television. It is kind of funny that lately when I needed a shave, I often thought of myself as being Patrick Rafter. He did not seem to shave much. He is a tennis player. So, whenever I saw myself in the mirror or in the window, I thought of myself as an imitation of Rafter. This is kind of humorous, and now I do not see myself as Rafter at all because I have little facial hair now as I shaved it all off.

I am glad that I am getting in about a full journal entry today. After I finish this entry, I do not think that I will do any more academics for the rest of the day. I have a feeling that I am going to miss riding my bike when the night comes.

Today I will not have ridden my bike. The rain prevented it, but enabled me to write here. I am actually about through with my entry now. I have got to go now. I wish the reader fine tidings. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, September 2 2001

 

Today has been a good day so far, and I slept pretty well last night. Today I read Night and Day for about an hour, and many parts were kind of abstruse.

Still, I managed to read for about an hour and did not get annoyed at the random

 

instances. Today I also rode my bike for about a half hour. I rode down the River Trail and over the bridge to the tobacco fields. I passed some people riding their bikes along the way. I saw a boy and a girl riding together. I think that I also saw a woman and her young son on the trail.

Yesterday went well, and I saw Mamaw and Popee. I am glad that I went to Mamaw and Popee’s yesterday. Mamaw gave me ten dollars. This was probably the first time that she did this though she might have done it when I was smaller. Popee and I played three games of ping-pong, and he won one of them. He must have been playing quite well. He was gearing up for playing tennis, but Mamaw thought that playing ping-pong would be better. I did not really want to play tennis, but I might have gone through with it if everyone had agreed to it.

Mamaw thought that it would be better to play ping-pong. I enjoyed my visit over there. The book Night and Day is really pretty good. I like how Virginia Woolf employs the characters. The main four characters have the first names of Mary, Ralph, Katharine, and William. Their full names are Mary Datchet, Ralph Denham, Katharine Hilbery, and William Rodney. The story revolves around these four people. Ralph is in love with Katharine, while Katharine is engaged, albeit not happily, to William Rodney.

I am wearing my nice new shirt from Bazilians, which is really nice and colorful. The colors in it are blue, turquoise, orange, pink, and red. The main color is blue, and it has the other colors as stripes. The shirt is very fashionable, and, by the way, I do not think that it was very expensive though it probably would be had I not bought it at the fine store Bazilians. Right now it is very beautiful out, and it feels like fall. I am happy to see this weather now. The brand name of my shirt is MacCluer, which is no doubt a fashionable brand.

The weather is crisp and cool. It is a good sign that I do not feel very tired right now. Yesterday when I left Mamaw and Popee’s house I said, “It is nice to be back on track.” Popee looked pretty good yesterday, and I had some apple pie with my family. Like I said, yesterday I played three games of ping-pong with Popee. My mom got the ping-pong balls on Popee’s side of the table, so she was the ball girl for his side at least. I did not need one.

Yesterday after dinner I read Night and Day for about a half hour, and I would have done more yesterday maybe had I slept better on Friday night. I was so excited and nervous about going to Mamaw and Popee’s the next day that I did not sleep very well Friday night. I am wearing Woolrich long khaki pants right now, and, come to think of it, I might have gotten these at Bazilians at an earlier time too. They are not new in other words. Anyway, I still have many good dreams that are difficult for me to reveal. I fear that I would be telling too much. Anyway, if not starting next week then the week after, I plan on starting writing full entries again. I want to do this.

There is not much on television these days. Last night, for example, there was just poor stuff on like terrible movies. Well, I fear that I am about through with this short entry. I am really glad that I got to write about a half entry though

 

even though it is shorter than a full one. I really look forward to writing full entries in the not too distant future. Well, I am off now. I will probably write tomorrow. I hope that the reader is all right. I am still waiting for a cure for schizophrenia. Anyway, I am off now. I am glad that the fall is here. Even though it might not yet be officially fall, it feels like it is fall. Bye bye.

 

Monday, September 3 2001

 

I am not going to get to go outside on this beautiful day though I am really glad that I am writing here. I think that it is important to get in this journal entry even if it is a half journal entry, which it will have to be. My parents are not home right now, as they went to get a light. Today looks like a great day, for the weather is really nice. My dad showed Mamaw and Popee some of the pictures that he did on the computer.

I am emotionally exhausted right now. Mamaw and Popee were in good spirits today. Unfortunately, I was in poor spirits, and I did not say much. I wish that I had said more, but there should be no crying over spilled milk. Well, I hope that tomorrow I will be able to exercise. Popee had a nice shirt on today.

Popee wanted to hit some tennis balls at Loomis today, yet my mom said that Mamaw wanted to get his medicine. I miss not exercising today. In the yard there are a lot of robins that I can see.

I am wearing a Gap long-sleeved shirt right now with khaki Woolrich pants. I wore these pants yesterday, so I am not a fashion statement. I am wearing my Adidas shoes, which are pretty old. I do not like my green pants in the closet, and I did not feel like wearing my Banana Republic khaki pants today. Maybe I should have worn my Calvin Klein blue pants, which I have forgotten about today until now. I have those three pairs of pants in my closet. I do not seem to have many pairs of pants. My dad mentioned his relatives in Sicily who were fine swimmers, and he showed some articles on the swim teams to Mamaw. I was asked where in the world I wanted to go, and I said “Australia.” Then I was asked what the second favorite place I would like to go was, and I said that I did not know. I did not say much today. Mamaw asked me if I liked Richard II, and I said that it was OK. Indeed, I did not think that it was a virtuoso book but that it was well written. Today I read Shakespeare for about an hour.

My life could be so good, but instead because I live in this house, it is unbearable at times, knowing I have so much potential that is wasted. I look forward tomorrow though to when I can ride my bike. I guess that I will just watch a lot of television tonight. I wonder what I will have for dinner. Well, I had an unexpected visit from Mamaw and Popee today. They are my family though and should be treated well and looked upon well. Now I am off. Well, I wish the reader fine tidings, and I am glad that today I was able to write a half entry. I will probably write again starting on this Wednesday since I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. Now I have got to go, fair reader. Bye bye.

 

 

Friday, September 7 2001

 

I am back. I think that the last time that I wrote was Monday. I obviously have been feeling rather poorly. I started reading The Headmaster by John McPhee yesterday. I have, however, read this book before. The book is short and easy to read because it is about a Loomis rival named Deerfield Academy. The book is about the headmaster of Deerfield. I think that the book was written in the sixties, so it is pretty old. I do not think that I am going to ride my bike today or exercise at all. I want to get back into the old routine slowly. My journal has taken a beating of late. Today is a beautiful day. Yesterday I rode my bike for about fifty-two minutes, and I read for about forty minutes. Today I was able to read The Headmaster for about an hour. Yesterday I tried listening to Sibelius’ Fourth and Fifth Symphonies, but the recording was analog and thus poor. The music came out too quiet in many places. I watched a lot of television yesterday, and it is unfortunate that I have been watching a lot of television lately.

I have not been able to write lately, and I feel bad about this. I am almost through with The Headmaster, and it is a pretty fine book although Loomis is not mentioned yet. Since I do not have much left in the book, I doubt that Loomis will be mentioned though many rivals of Loomis are mentioned. I have been struggling these recent days. I have been struggling just to read anything at all though today I was able to read for a full hour. So, things might be looking up. Today really is a beautiful day. Today looks like a late summer or early fall day. The days this week have been especially difficult, and I have watched far too much television this week. There is just nothing else to do. I have had an impossible time trying to read Shakespeare or Virginia Woolf. I still am not able to read those, but for some reason I am able to read that book about Frank Boyden, the former headmaster of Deerfield Academy. The school almost did not survive, and it took the generosity of some famous headmasters to keep it financially afloat. These headmasters, with one I think from Andover or Exeter, raised enough money to keep the school from being shut down. Although Loomis was not mentioned, many of its rivals are mentioned. Even Kent is mentioned.

Lately things have been really tough. On Tuesday I skipped my psychiatrist appointment because I saw Mamaw and Popee the day before, and I have trouble visiting people two days in a row because of my obsessions. I think that on Wednesday I rode my bike for about a half hour and then later jogged and walked for about a half hour. So on Wednesday, I had a total of about an hour of exercise. I think that on Wednesday night I read the newspaper for about twenty minutes. Then yesterday I told about, so here I am today writing. So, I have been doing very little lately.

Today is a beautiful day. God has helped me lately. Without Him and His grace I do not know where I would be. I owe Him a lot. He has been there for me

 

lately. I hope that He will always be there for me, and I have to say that He truly is great. I hope that in the future I can have some friends, and I have had some great friends in the past. I really hope that I can find some good friends. Now is about time to go. I hope that I will be able to write in this journal regularly. I miss the journal when I do not write in it. See, I even call it the journal as it is not merely a journal. Anyway, I have got to go now. I will likely see the reader soon. I do not think that I will do any more academics. I am off now. I hope that I will never have to give up writing due to poor circumstances. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, September 11 2001

 

This journal has really suffered of late, and I have had a hard time keeping it up. I have not been able to read the books that I want to read. I am almost through with Of Mice and Men, and today I read that book for about an hour.

Things have been very difficult of late. Yesterday I read for about an hour and a half and walked for about a half hour. Yet I have been struggling a lot just to make ends meet.

My aunt Ann arrived from Florida last night. I do not feel too good mentally right now. I cannot read the books that I want. I finished The Headmaster already though I cannot read Night and Day. I do not know why I cannot do this. The book that I am reading now is interesting. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow, and I do not know how that will go. I have not written enough in my journal. Things have just been so hard of late. I have not been able to do as much as I would have liked. The weather lately has been really nice.

I want to keep up this journal, but it looks to be so difficult of late to keep up. My mom is at the grocery store right now. I think that that is where she went. I have read Of Mice and Men before, and the book is all right. The main characters are Lennie and George. The United States Open tennis tournament is over with, and Lleyton Hewitt won that. Anyway, I did not get to see Mamaw and Popee last Saturday or Sunday. I hope that I will be able to see them and Ann sometime soon. I hope that I do not see them today, as that would play havoc with my nerves as I have an appointment tomorrow.

I have been watching a lot of television of late. I have been able to keep up my exercising pretty well, and I also find it easier to exercise later in the day, when my medicine is wearing off. Recently, I listened to Mozart’s Thirty-Fifth and Forty-First Symphonies. Unfortunately, though, my time in front of the television is too much. I guess that I ought to be out in the nice weather more.

Yesterday I went on a walk. I saw a girl who looked to be a Loomis student, and she asked if this was the right way to CVS. I said “Yes.” She was walking up towards the library, but she could have gone to CVS that way. I have been having very vivid dreams of late.

 

The weather of late has been really beautiful and has been great for any kind of exercise. I am not tired right now. I feel good that I am able to write here. It took a struggle just to begin writing this today. I guess that today I will watch a lot of television. Without the U.S. Open there is nothing much else good on television. In the afternoon are some sport shows, but they are about things like surfing and skateboarding. I miss Trinity College now that I think about it, for I miss being out of the house. I am in here so much. I cannot do much on this Zyprexa though, as it ravages my entire being. Yet hope is not lost, as in the opening of Pandora’s box. There was hope that stayed under the lid if I am not mistaken. I still have hope. Anyway, I wonder when I will see my grandparents and my aunt. My dad picked Ann up from the airport yesterday afternoon. After I write this I think that I will try to go out for about a twenty-minute run just to get some fresh air.

Yesterday on my walk, I wore a soccer T-shirt and my shorts. Yesterday was warm. I still sleep late every day. If I got up any earlier, I do not think that I would have anything to do. Well, I have about finished this entry today. I want to keep writing regularly in my journal even if I have to do half entries for a time.

Today I have written about a half entry for about a half hour. Soon after I write this entry I will probably go for about a twenty-minute jog. Well, I am off now. I hope that my jog goes well and that I get to get some sun and vitamin D on the run today. I wish the reader well, and I hope that he or she is well. Bye bye.

 

Friday, September 14 2001

 

Today has been a fine day. This week has been dismal as far as my journal goes. On Wednesday I saw the psychiatrist. Today is a cool autumn day though I do not know if it is fall yet. Today I read Notes from Underground by Dostoevsky for about an hour. The character in Notes from Underground reminds me in some ways of myself. I guess that I am neurotic like the main character.

Today the weather was crisp and wonderful. Today I loved the quality of the air, which brightened my spirits. I have not written for a while. I have not had been able to because I did not have the strength. I just have not had the courage to write though I have been trying to read. Yesterday I read Dostoevsky for about an hour, and I also rode my bike for about a half hour. Yet I did not write yesterday.

It seems like I am gradually getting slower in my exercising, and I cannot run without a lot of effort. For example, I ran about twelve minutes today when I went to and from my walk on the River Trail. I had a very difficult time actually deciding to go to the psychiatrist appointment, and I felt a lot of stress to go there. Today is a day that I am fighting back to keep writing in my journal. According to memory, I have not written too much in the past couple of weeks, yet I want to try to change that if I can. I want to put all of my will towards maintaining this journal with entries. I like Dostoevsky as an author, and I can identify with some

 

of his feelings. There has not been a better day for walking as far as the weather for a long time. I wonder how long Dostoevsky spent on the book that I am reading.

Dostoevsky was in prison some. Anyway, on the River Trail today I saw two regulars. One was an old man who was wearing shorts and old boat shoes. The other was a fat black woman who looks very kind and nice, and she was wearing a jogging suit. Both were walking on the River Trail, and I have seen both of them very often before. By the way, on the news it showed the World Trade Center get destroyed by a plane full of terrorists. This is tragic news.

Today I wore my Champion purple sweatshirt and my Trinity College blue running pants. I must have cut quite a figure. I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow, and I will do all that I can to go. Popee might have to take an antipsychotic medicine. It is kind of depressing for me that he might have to be put on Seraquil. Today it rained some. Summer seems to be over though I do not know when it officially ends or has ended. I have been watching a lot of television lately. I have been watching a lot of the news about the World Trade Towers. I have also been watching “Walker, Texas Ranger” and “Law and Order.” The movies that have been on television have been terrible. I really do not want to take that anti anxiety drug called Ativan, which James Bozzuto wants me to take. I am still afraid of what it would do to me. Well, now is about time to end this about half entry. I hope that I will be able to write more regularly in the coming weeks, and I must make a point to do more. I wish the reader well, and I hope that the reader is in good health. Now I am off, but I hope that I will be able to see the reader soon and more regularly than in the past couple of weeks. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, September 16 2001

 

Yesterday I saw Mamaw, Popee, and Ann. Today Ann left for Florida where she lives. Today I read Notes From Underground for about fifty-two minutes. Today I had a difficult bike ride because Windsor has been taken over by cops and some fife and drum corps. So, I had to adjust my bike ride accordingly. I was not able to go down to the tobacco fields and ugly no-parking because those people were marching. There are road blocks everywhere and signs everywhere too. Windsor has turned into a Goliath. I do like the Dostoevsky book because the main character reminds me of myself. I feel kind of like the main character towards my Loomis classmates though the main character is awfully bitter.

I should be through with the short book pretty soon. Of course, I finished Of Mice and Men, and the ending when Lennie gets shot in the back of the head by his friend George was disheartening. George did it for mercy, or else the people at the lodge might have caused his death with more pain. George in a way helped Lennie not to suffer, but the book ended on such a sour note that it ruined the whole book. I hope that Notes From Underground does not end on

 

such a sour note. I do not want to take that Ativan, for I am afraid of the bad things that it might do to my mind and body. Plus, I do not need the medicine at all because my anxiety has not been bad enough lately to take it. I am heated about all that is going on in Windsor. One would think that today was a day of anarchy, when such a town should be quiet and orderly.

Yesterday I saw Mamaw, Popee, and Ann. Popee was not acting himself yesterday, and he seemed in an extremely bad humor owing possibly to his age and Parkinson’s disease. He kept wanting to play ping-pong even after I had already played. Ann asked me what I have been doing, and I said that I have been reading and exercising. She thought that I should go to a day-treatment center or do some volunteer work. She asked me who I was hanging around with, and I said “Nobody.” She said that that was not good. I did not see Ann much yesterday, but when I left she said that I was welcome in their home in Florida. Ann seemed pretty nice yesterday though she was nervous about going home and had to take a Xanax because of fear of transportation though she did not take much. I guess that she by no means takes the medicine regularly, but she only needed it yesterday to calm her down. Mamaw seemed in pretty good spirits. They went to a bunch of apartments yesterday, but they did not like them. I played two games of ping-pong yesterday with Popee. Today I plan on writing a half entry. I guess that I do have some anxiety sometimes. I just do not want to have to take a pill for anxiety twice a day.

Today is a beautiful day. It is sunny and cool out. Today was great weather for a bike ride. On Friday night I think that I listened to Mozart’s “Linz” and “Prague” symphonies. I am able to listen to my old CDs now without much problem. It turns out that my memorization of CDs does not last more than about a year. This is a relief. Yesterday I watched a lot of television, and at night I saw part of the movie Grease. Yesterday I did not do any academics, but I was able to clean my room. I am about at the end of this entry today. I am very happy that I was able to write today, for much I have had to say today was pretty good.

At the end here it got to be kind of hostile as they say on the on-television courtroom. I am talking about the hostile witness. Anyway, I am off now, and I will see the reader soon. I hope that I will be able to keep writing in my journal. Bye bye.

 

Monday, September 17 2001

 

Today I have a psychiatrist appointment, but I will not go to it. I simply am not prepared for it. I am not ready for it. I just do not want to go to it, so I will obviously have to call James Bozzuto to cancel the appointment. Today is a beautiful day. The day was nice for bike riding, which I did for about a half hour. Today I read for about fifty minutes. I had a lot of dreams last night as usual. I am almost through with Notes From Underground, and right now in the book the main character is talking to a young woman of about twenty. I guess that he is

 

warning her about the dangers that she might face. He says that if she continues on the way she is going, then she will die, and no one will attend her funeral.

The main character is very neurotic.

All that has been on the news lately is the news from New York. The World Trade Towers are rubble now. The terrorists crashed two planes into the towers. So there seems to be nothing else on television. It makes me feel bad that a lot of people died. I think that Wall Street starts up today, and I wonder how the market will react. The Dow Jones and Nasdaq will probably go down. Dostoevsky is a dark character, who is quite smart. I had a good bike ride today. I rode on the River Trail and then went down to the tobacco fields. I smelled the tobacco in the sheds, and I could see it too. I did not actually go in the shed, but I rode by it. I have to call the psychiatrist and tell him that I am not going today.

When I saw Ann, she was wearing red pants and boat shoes. Her hair is black with some gray in it. My aunts are getting older. She still seemed the same as I knew her before, but she was critical of me not having friends or not going out places. I think that she got to Florida all right already, and her arrival is good. Carol called my mom last night. Carol is my aunt who lives in Missouri. Jane is my other aunt. Suffice it to say, she did not call my mom last night. Today on my bike ride, I passed an older woman, two women friends, and an attractive young woman who had her two kids with her. This attractive woman said “Hi” to me, and I said “Hi” back.

She was wearing a yellow T-shirt, and one of her small kids was strapped to her back. I wonder where she works, but who cares about where she works. Today is really a great day for biking. I felt pretty well biking, but the sweatshirt was a little bit too hot for today. I would probably have done better wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt. On my bike ride I go pretty fast down the hill that leads to Loomis, and then I go to the River Trail and see the dog pound. I always look to see the dogs when I pass by. Sometimes one or more bark at me, and sometimes they do not. Then I go on the trail and go over the wooden bridge with metal supports. This goes over a marsh where there are a lot of insects that sing. Then I go down the trail by the river, which is now at a good height and which before was too shallow. I am not going to go to my appointment today, as I am just not ready for it. My last appointment was on Wednesday. I feel somewhat bad that I will miss my appointment today.

Well, now I have to go. I will probably see the reader tomorrow. I want to keep writing here in my journal. I was really irritated during this entry, and it might have showed. So, I am looking forward to writing more enjoyable entries without interruptions. Now I have written about a half entry. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, September 18 2001

 

I just recently got home from a bike ride. There is so much pressure on me to take Ativan, and the pressure feels enormous though I do not want to give in. I am feeling fine without the Ativan. I think that it would be suicide to take the Ativan. On the bike ride I saw some people, and they were dressed nice. I saw a good-looking young woman in a car who waved for me to cross in front of her, and I had seen her before on the River Trail. Today is a nice day. I finished Notes From Underground today. I must thank God here for His grace in dealing with me. I owe Him a lot. He has been a fine example for me, and He has paved the way for me.

I want to always look up to Him, and I hope that He stands by me. I hope that I will be able to keep a schedule up. Today I read for about fifty-two minutes. I had a good bike ride today, and I rode for about a half hour today. I rode past Mrs. Simon on the way home. She talks to people on the trail. Today was a nice day for bicycling. It is sunny and cool out, and I wore my long-sleeved blue Adidas T-shirt and my blue Adidas soccer shorts today. I did not see any bikers or joggers today on my ride. There was one woman on the trail with a Trinity College squash shirt on. It is unfortunate that I still have obsessions to deal with.

They are pretty bad today, but fortunately they have not been terrible. On the news is a lot about the World Trade Towers falling down. So there is a lot of bad news, and the market took a bad hit when it finally opened yesterday. I hope that James Bozzuto does not call me while I am writing this. I do not think that Ativan would do much to help me. It probably would worsen the problem through medicating it. I would essentially be taking a drug that would mimic the qualities of alcohol. And I do not want to take alcohol. In the last sentence I started it with an and and learned this trick from Dostoevsky, who started some sentences with and too. I learned at Loomis, however, not to begin sentences with an and. I learned that however bit in the last sentence at Trinity College in the introduction to Latin class.

I really do miss vigorous exercise. I miss running and playing tennis. I used to be a fine athlete, but now this medicine has reduced me to this state of tiredness, so to speak. I am quite a sedate fellow. In general, I think that this medicine has made me a sedate fellow. Maybe I could be a sedate fellow at a college. I mean that colleges have fellowships, and I could take the one that calls for a sedate man. I would have all of the tiredness training needed to be a boring instructor. I should not be fooling around now though.

The end of Notes From Underground was a bit confusing, when Dostoevsky talks about how most people know the world through books and does not realize the true human blood that is in them. So, in a way all humanity is bookish. Yet Dostoevsky’s character in my mind is above the human lot in that he is not weak and impudent, but is more human than most. He is a cultured man, who is tortured by his consciousness.

 

I started the Shakespeare book Measure for Measure today… well, I actually started it again. I did not get to read much of it, and so far all that has happened is that the duke is preparing to go away. I do not feel too tired right now. I feel pretty well, but am kind of nervous that the psychiatrist is going to call me. I have been sleeping all right, but I get up a lot during the night. This medicine causes insomnia to a certain degree. I just have a hard time staying asleep. I wish that I could just not get up so much in the night.

Well, I have got to go now, and I am about through with academics today. Well, I probably am through with academics after this entry. Now I am getting kind of annoyed because of all the noise outside. I hope that I will be able to write here tomorrow. I feel disappointed that this entry ends the way it has, but that is all right. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, September 19 2001

 

I just recently got back from my exercising. I jogged and walked, and in total I did about a half hour of exercising. Today I read Shakespeare for about an hour, and the play that I am reading is called Measure for Measure. I saw a lot of Loomis kids on a football field, and they looked to be idling about or stretching. I wonder if they were football or cross-country kids. I did not go on the River Trail today. Although I planned on going, I saw too many people on the entrance to the trail, so I decided to jog around the train station. I saw someone at the train station sitting on a bench. I still often think about that Ativan. I wish these drugs were never invented so that I would not be bothered so much. I hope that I see some friends in the future and these would be new ones.

Today is a beautiful day, and kind of warm. Last night, I listened to Prokofiev’s Fourth and Fifth Piano Concertos. I saw some nicely dressed kids on my jog today, and they looked to be pretty young. A girl was wearing a skirt. On the road to Loomis I passed a kid who was wearing a green Loyola cap on backwards. I might head to the bookstore pretty soon to get some new books, and I might get some books by Nietzsche and Aeschylus. Last night I watched two episodes of “Step by Step.” In one, a teacher was trying to seduce her college student, and he is a guy named JT of the family that the show is about. The show kind of caught my attention, and it ended with a moral, when JT turned down the teacher because he did not know her well.

In my dreams, Loomis is a place of woe. I dreamt that Loomis was the place that drained all of my powers and the ability to do good. So in my dreams, it is a bad thing if I end up at Loomis, for that is the only place where gradually my powers go on the wane. I kind of am tempted to go to a Loomis soccer game. I saw a soccer game yesterday on television that pitted Barcelona against some team from Turkey, yet I digress.

In Measure for Measure, Claudio is going to be executed for having an affair with a woman. I guess that it was against the law because he made the woman

 

pregnant, and she was to be married to a different man. The duke is not in his post, for he left his affairs to a different man. This man is quite stern and straitlaced, and he is trying to send a message that these types of things will not be tolerated under his rule. Claudio’s sister left a convent, where she was to become a sister, to plead with the new ruler to spare Claudio’s life.

The sister pleads with the man using high-flown language, and she points out that the man must have had similar desires as Claudio did. The man so far is not to be swayed, but I think that he will eventually become swayed. The ruler believes that the law is everything, but the sister tells about the human side of things. The ruler’s name is something like Escalus, while the sister of Claudio is called something like Isabella. The duke appears to be a nice fellow.

I am glad that I am writing this now. I am also glad that I got to exercise today. Today is a beautiful day, and it is pretty warm out now actually. The sun is out in full force. Well, I am about through with my entry for today. I will probably not do any more academics today. I look forward to more reading, exercising, and writing in the times to come. I like this schedule that I am on, and I hope that I will be able to keep it up. I wish the reader well. I hope that the fine knight or maiden who reads this keeps up a definition of chivalry. I am off.

Bye bye.

 

Saturday, September 22 2001

 

Greetings from planet Failla. I am just kidding. That was an awful start to my entry. I had an awful morning today, for I got up late. I am trying to make up for a bad start by writing here. I recently got home from exercise, and I exercised for about a half hour today. I got up so late though, making me unhappy. I felt as if something was taken away from me. I do not like being in bed for so long.

This did not happen regularly though. The television stations keep broadcasting stuff on the Twin Towers. I have a hole in my journal writing this week because things started to get bad. I had trouble keeping up a schedule again, and so I was not able or willing to write here.

I started Bram Stoker’s Dracula, which I hope that I can stay with. I do like the book. Pretty soon the holidays will be here, and I am looking forward to any kind of celebration. My birthday is coming up, and for the uninitiated it is on January 19. I mean that if the reader has not read more of my journal, then the birthday is then though I do not advocate any kind of cult. Anyway, I must be confused after all that time in bed. I should have said that for those who do not know my birthday it is on January 19.

I do like Dracula, and there is a lot of suspense in it. I am obviously not at Mamaw and Popee’s today. I want to go, but my anxiety makes it impossible to go. Well, I do not know if it is my anxiety or my schizophrenia. In my depression today I thought of taking Ativan, but instead I decided to go exercise. Now here I am and happy enough not to take the Ativan.

 

I cannot believe how late I got up today. I feel bad that I got up so late. I wish, therefore, that I could have gotten up earlier. I watched far too much television yesterday. Last week I asked my mom to cancel my America Online membership. I do not want my parents to keep paying for that, and I never use the Internet on this computer. I wonder if the word Internet is an official word. My house is pretty much a mess. I hate the sight of that Ativan prescription, for it is so depressing. I think that taking that medicine would be an act of desperation, and I am not desperate.

I miss Mamaw and Popee, and I wish that I could see them today. The last time that I saw Popee he was not doing too well, and I feel bad about that. I think that my parents are there now. The red station wagon is gone. They took it out somewhere. I have something in my teeth that I have been trying to get out, and I think that it is either some cavity defect or a raspberry seed. Anyway, today is really a nice day. It is quite warm, it seems, for this time of the year. I wore a short-sleeved shirt and shorts on my walk. There was only a woman with her dog on the River Trail. The woman said something strange when I passed by here, saying to her dog something like, “Do not be around people when it is wet.” It was wet on the River Trail, for it has rained lately. I wonder where my parents are now. The last time that I was over at Mamaw and Popee’s, I had a disheartening experience with Popee that I hope will be a one-time thing. He just seems to be suffering from Parkinson’s disease or old age, and I age along with him. Mamaw is doing very well probably because she is not taking any powerful medicine. I think that the medicine Popee takes is doing him more harm than good though this is not a professional opinion.

Dracula is about this Jonathan Harker, who went to Transylvania to talk to the count. Jonathan keeps a journal though I think that Stoker calls it a diary. I think that Jonathan is a solicitor, whose job is to oversee the buying of Count Dracula’s estate in England, yet he soon finds himself a prisoner to the diabolical Dracula in his horrific castle. Jonathan is locked in part of the castle though Dracula is not a total terror, for he provides Jonathan fine meals and a nice place to sleep and go around.

Jonathan sees Dracula climb out of a window and scale down the side of the castle with his bare hands, and here he sees that Dracula is anything but human. Jonathan also sees a woman in the courtyard being ripped to shreds by some wolves. He knew that the count had killed her child, and when she came to the castle and banged loudly on the door, the wolves killed her. The count has a certain power over these wolves. In the beginning, Dracula seemed like a nice yet strange person, and he talked with Jonathan all about England and about his own country.

The count asked countless questions about England. That was a joke because the count asked countless questions, and I hope that the reader is astute enough to catch my gist. I remember that when someone else said a word at the same time that I did, I would try to say “jinx” before the other did. This would

 

mean that I said the word before he did and gave me the upper hand. The count provides very good meals to Harker though I do not know how he gets the meals. Jonathan never sees any servants of the count, and he might not have any. So it is up for grabs where he gets his food. Jonathan writes long journal entries though he does not write them almost every day like I generally do. Well, I do not write my entries every day of late, but I write more than Jonathan Harker did at least so far. Today is kind of a scary day too like at the castle, for it is already kind of dark out. It is before dinner, and it looks like it is going to rain.

I really do not want to take that Ativan. The sky is silver right now, and I hope that it will rain. I just remembered someone whom I saw on the River Trail. He was a young man who was trying to jog, and he looked like a seal with the way that he flapped his arms up and down. He did not look to be dressed for jogging either, and his face was rugged and wild. That was not a compliment to him. I will bet that he was some rebel high-school kid. Who knows, though, he might have been all right. I wonder when my parents are going to be home.

The sun just came out of the clouds. I might have been a pain to my parents in wanting them to get me this medicine, but I hope that I am not too much of a pain to them. Today really is a beautiful day, and I had a nice walk. At least I can walk and ride my bike. Last night for dinner I had some really good pork and some cranberry sauce. The day started off terribly, but now things are beginning to look up. I hope that I can continue to write here in my journal in the days to come. I am about done with my journal entry now, and I wrote about a full entry today. I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow and in the days to come, and I will now go. I wish the reader well. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, September 23 2001

 

I just got home from a combination jog and walk, and I was out for a total of about a half hour. Earlier, I read Dracula for about an hour. I was disappointed in Dracula because all of the action ended when Jonathan Harker stopped telling the story, and now there are just letters between women. I saw a lot of things exercising today. I saw all of the American flags up on the houses, as people are very patriotic in Windsor. I saw some dogs on leashes led by some different people. I jogged for a little over fifteen minutes, and I walked the rest.

Today is a beautiful day. It is disappointing in a way that Mamaw and Popee did not come over today. I want to stick with Dracula, but if it continues to bore me, I do not want to suffer through it. I saw Andrew Vernon riding bikes with this young woman. Andrew went to Loomis, and he is a faculty kid (his dad worked at Loomis). The woman whom he was riding with was kind of attractive. I wore my new shoes today. Yesterday my mom got me new Nike Air Max International shoes, which felt much better than the old Nike Air Maxes because they were new.

 

I liked the new shoes very much, and they really look good. I got to show them off on my jog today though I doubt if anyone noticed them. I saw a man on my run doing something with the American flag; it looked like he was adjusting it or taking it down. I saw quite a bit of people outside today. I saw some women painting a door on the back of a shop. I saw three kids skateboarding in a group, and then I saw either the same group later or a different set of skaters on the side street that I went down. For my route I went around the train station, back to my driveway and then down a couple of side streets. I miss Mamaw and Popee right now, to say the least. I kind of hope that it will rain though it is nice how it is now.

Tons of houses have the American flag up because of the World Trade Towers catastrophe. I did not see any people running today though I saw Andrew Vernon and his friend bicycling. I do not think that their bikes were very nice although they could have been. I am writing now in the afternoon. Last night, I studied some Russian for about twenty minutes and some precalculus for about twenty minutes. For Russian, I studied the use of and the definitions of some imperfective and perfective verbs, and one of these verbs was to buy. In math, I studied how to find zeros (this operation was easy) as well as how to solve inequalities.

I dreamt last night that I was given medicine by Pat Lyn in an attempt to cure me of my malady. The bag supposedly was from his father, who in the dream was a doctor. The bag contained the usual Zyprexa and about five other capsules, one of which was big and looked like a confectionary candy. I dreamt that Pat Lyn cared for me. I dreamt that I was on a bus carrying Loomis kids to their games, and I was going along for the ride because it was thought to be salutary to my health. I felt ashamed. I was also to be interviewed on a television show, and when I looked in the mirror, I was wearing the brown uniform of a soldier with a brown military hat on. At another time I looked in the mirror, and my jaw was numb from the medicine. Throughout many of my dreams I feel quite confused because in my dreams the medicine is viewed as confusing me, so much of the time I fight to find my way around.

The color of my Nikes are blue. They are quite attractive though they would be more attractive if they were blue and white instead of blue and tan, and they must have cost a bundle. The shoes gave me more of a spring in my stride. I got up way too late today. Yesterday I watched part of a football game, and this was new to me. I usually do not watch football, which has been out of season until lately. I am probably through with my academics today. I guess that I will just relax for the rest of the day. I wanted to be sure to get in this journal entry today. Maybe I will get to Mamaw and Popee’s house sometime this week. I am off now. I wish the fine reader fine tidings, and I hope that he or she acts virtuously in whatever he or she does. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Monday, September 24 2001

 

Today is quite warm. It does not seem like September, but seems like the summer days still. Today I read Dracula for about an hour. I just got home from a walk around the River Trail, and I wore my new shoes today. Dracula has gotten better, for there is more suspense in it now. Last night I watched a lot of television. I still surely would like to see some friends. I was so slow jogging from the River Trail, and my body felt like I had some plate mail on. I felt like an iron anchor. I asked my mom last night if Mamaw and Popee could come over here, and my mom said that yes, they could maybe come over for dinner. I have this annoying rash on my upper leg, which will probably prevent me from exercising tomorrow as it hurt today. I hope that I do not have skin cancer.

Today is beautiful out, and it is warm like I said. Most of the leaves are still green. I have a nice view outside my window. I can see a tree right next to the house, my backyard, and the trees in the small forest behind the house. My obsessions are still driving me crazy, and there is one obsession that tells me that I cannot read Dracula anymore. The book is much better than I expected. There is a lot of action and measured horror in it. The book is not extremely disgusting, but it is well written. I saw an old kind-looking black man on the River Trail whom I had seen before, and he asked me when I saw him before how many loops I did. He has a cane, and he seems to be quite nice. He said “Hi” to me today, and I said “Hi” in return though it came out kind of gruffly. Last night I saw about half of a movie called Rush Hour and the end of Cops and Robbersons.

There is not much on television these days though Rush Hour was interesting. It was an action movie though it was the generic kind with an interesting set.

There are some nice small blue flowers in the garden, and I can see some small purple flowers on the perimeter of the forest.

Last night for dinner I had some chicken and corn, and I wonder what I will have for dinner tonight. My mom is at work right now. On my walk, my rash was kind of bothering me. There was no one on the River Trail besides that man. There were some dogs in the pound. I am really disappointed that I cannot jog for much because I want to be in good physical shape though I guess that I cannot because of this medicine. I am probably not going to take the Ativan any time soon though there it is down stairs.

I really enjoyed reading Dracula today, as it is a fine book. I am really pleasantly surprised at the book, and I did not expect the book to be as well written as it is. There was a vampire than came to England on a boat, and the vampire killed all of the crew on the ship. There was a man that kept a ship’s log, and this part is put in the book. Obviously, the book is fictional. The ship’s log showed how the crew gradually disappeared over the days until only the writer of the log was left. At first, this person did not believe in the monster, but before he met his end, he did see the monster, which was the vampire. I want to keep up this journal. I will try to preserve this journal even if I have to only write half entries like today’s entry. Now I have to end this entry. Even half entries are still

 

entries. I am probably through with academics for today. I wish the reader well. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, September 25 2001

 

I am still reading Dracula, which is still full of suspense. Today I had a disappointing jog and had to stop early because the pain of my rash was too much to bear for the whole exercise session. So, after running for about fifteen minutes, I decided to walk home; I was out for about eighteen minutes in total. I read Dracula today for about an hour. Lucy has already been bitten by the vampire, and I wonder what will happen to her. Initially, she got to the vampire by sleepwalking to an old church, and she has had a history of sleepwalking in the past. I never even come close to sleepwalking.

Lucy is Mina Harker née Murray’s best friend. Mina is the husband of Jonathan Harker, who had been in Count Dracula’s castle for a while and who kept a journal there. Jonathan ended up in the care of a religious sister, who treats him for what she believed was a temporary brain fever, as they called it then. Of course, Jonathan does not have brain fever, but merely experienced the life of a prisoner in Dracula’s castle with all of the horrors within.

I do like the book. In the book Mina just got married to Jonathan Harker after she saw him in his so-called sickbed. She was married then and there, and now she is Mina Harker. Mina saw how Lucy had gotten weak after the vampire bit her, but Mina does not know about the vampire yet. If one told her, she would not believe it at this point. I was in bed too much today. I was swooning for a long time, and then I gave in to this swooning and put my head down for about twenty-three minutes. Lately, I have been in bed far too often, and I do not know why. I almost did not have the energy to fix my lunch. So my jogging and walking will have to wait until this rash gets better, and that wait will probably be a painfully long time. So, I do not get to wear my new shoes much. Anyway, last night when I went to bed, I felt kind of empty from missing Mamaw and Popee.

Today it is a rainy day. It has been raining all day long. I hope that I do not miss exercising for too long, so I hope that my rash is not too severe. I wonder when the Windsor High School kids get out of school. I saw some students today walking on the sidewalks down Broad Street. I hope that I will be able to listen to some Prokofiev tonight. Last night I listened to Mozart’s Thirty-Sixth and Thirty- Eighth Symphonies, which are called “Linz” and “Prague” respectively. I hope that I will be able to listen to Prokofiev’s Second and Third Symphonies tonight, but who knows if I will. Unfortunately, I have not been listening to music every night. Tomorrow I plan on bringing back the CDs that I borrowed from the Windsor Library.

I miss the Westfarms Mall, and I know that I am being vain but cannot help it. I really like the stores there, especially Brooks Brothers. I kind of wish that all of my sweaters and T-shirts were in good condition; many of my sweaters

 

and almost all of my T-shirts have holes in them. Well, now I am about at the end of this half entry. I hope that I will be able to read Dracula through, for it is quite “entertaining” as my former professor professor Emily Anhalt used to say. She used to call things “entertaining.” Anyway, I wish the reader fine tidings. I am probably about through with academics for today. I hope that the reader if a man remains a knight, and if a woman remains a fair maiden. I will likely see the reader tomorrow. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, September 26 2001

 

Today I am probably not going to exercise much. My rash is still there, so I will not be able to do much besides just walk to the Windsor Library. Today I read Dracula for about an hour, and the book is quite interesting. As usual, the book has a lot of suspense in it. Today is a beautiful, cool day, and it is too bad that I will not be able to do my normal exercises. I do not know how I will be able to survive without them. I owe God for His grace in helping me through things, and He has helped me to write regularly of late. I hope that He is always on my side and that I am always on His side. I do look up to Him, and I must never turn away from Him.

The book that I am reading is quite good though I have not heard anything from Jonathan Harker. Right now, the story centers around Lucy, Dr. Seward, and Dr. Seward’s professional friend, whom one can tell is dealing with a vampire, as he decked out Lucy’s room in garlic and gave her a garlic necklace to wear at night. I never expected Dracula to have as much literary merit as it had.

Anyway, I am going to miss exercising. My rash kind of hurts right now, and it would ache if I went out for exercising.

Last night for dinner a had a cheeseburger with French fries. There is still talk on the news of the world trade towers catastrophe. I hear that the war against the terrorists might take some years. I was not bothered by those kids with their hammers yesterday, and I hope that I will not be bothered by them today. Today I was thinking about going to Mamaw and Popee’s this afternoon, but I decided to stay home. I was afraid that if I went to their house that I would not be able to go to my psychiatrist appointment on Friday. I did not sleep very well last night, and I feel a little bit overtired today. I kept waking up this morning because of various sounds from the outside like the church bell ringing and my mom leaving for work.

I kept having my dreams interrupted in the most key places too. In one dream, just as I was about to talk to Jessica Littlefield for the first time on the phone, I woke up because of a noise. She was my girlfriend in the sixth grade. This was an important point in the dream. Other important dreams were also interrupted, and I was annoyed with this pretty much. Today is quite sunny, and the sky is all blue. I am going to miss exercising a lot in the coming days. The book Dracula is a fine book like I said.

 

Lucy has been bitten by a vampire, and I think that the vampire came through her window in the form of a bat. I think that Dr. Seward’s friend knows this though Dr. Seward himself, who is the head of a psychiatric asylum, has no clue. Lucy’s mother has a weak heart, and she is spared knowledge of how serious her daughter’s condition is by them. If Lucy’s mom knew, then she would likely suffer a heart attack. In his asylum, Dr. Seward is studying a man who is a creepy individual. In his fits he kept saying that his master was coming, thus I guess that he thus has some knowledge of the vampire. I wonder what will be written about Jonathan Harker, who bears my first name.

I hope that I will be able to finish Dracula all right, and after that, I might go to the bookstore and get some Nietzsche and Aeschylus. I still have a while to go in Dracula by Bram Stoker. I miss the outside and the River Trail already. I hope that I will be able to go to the Windsor Library today to bring back my CDs there; I did not listen to my CDs much. In my mind, I did not get very good CDs at the library, for their selection is poor without enough Mozart or Vivaldi. I do have a nice view of the forest from my window. I have not seen many birds of late, so I guess that they are on their way to a warmer climate. Before I know it, I will have to print out this journal. Lately, I have been pretty good about keeping up writing in this journal, yet my being terrible about going to Mamaw and Popee’s give me sadness. I have to go about now. I wish the reader fine tidings, and I am about through with academics for now. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, September 27 2001

 

I miss exercise. Today I read Dracula for about an hour, and the book is still going well. I feel somewhat depressed today. I really do not know what to say right now. I am planning on writing almost a full entry today,with only a minute or two less than usual. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow, and I will try to go to it; I hope that I make it there. My rash is still bothering me and keeps me from exercising. I miss Mamaw and Popee. Last night I had a really good dinner of meatloaf and corn. I hope that in the future I can see some friends. Today is quite warm. Yesterday was kind of difficult because I was somewhat overtired. I feel depressed and tired right now for lack of being outside.

Last night I did not listen to music, and I watched part of an awful movie that I regret seeing. The movie glorified crime. The book Dracula is going well. Lucy is in a bad position right now, as she keeps getting her blood sucked out of her. The madman attacked someone on the road and had to be put in a straightjacket. Tomorrow I might go to the psychiatrist’s, and I have not been there in a while. I wonder what he will say. He will probably try to get me to try the Ativan. I do not know what if anything I should ask him, and I do not even know if I am going to go tomorrow. I might sound kind of dry today, but I feel kind of alone.

 

I would have this cured if I went out for a walk on the River Trail. Maybe watching a Loomis game would help, but I doubt it. Yesterday I watched too much television. I might watch too much television today too, but then I will put a stop to it. Watching television is not really a good thing to do, especially watching too much. I feel kind of slow and bored today, for I do not get to see wonderful nature on the River Trail.

Yesterday I brought back my CDs to the library, and I went to the mansion in the center of town to look at a sculpture that was outside. The thing resembled a cylinder and was made of some sort of metal. Last night I was kept up till eleven o ‘clock by what seemed to be a party, which had loud music, at Loomis. The music was not very good from the bit I heard of it. I wonder what a party would have been like at Loomis with Mozart or Vivaldi. I slept pretty well last night. I just feel kind of depressed now. For lunch I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I wonder if the reader knows that the inventor of the sandwich was a certain Earl of Sandwich. I think that the earl was the one who invented it if the earl even really existed. I feel like running a marathon right now. I think that I am full of the television. The news is depressing because of all the talk of the so-called America’s new war.

The day is quite beautiful, but I am not outside where I want to be. I do not know if I will go to the psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. If I go, then I guess that I could say that I have been feeling well and do not need the Ativan. Then he probably would still want me to take it to make his point. He has a nice office. The place is fancy, and the chair that I sit in there is quite nice. He has a bunch of framed certificates behind his chair. There is no table between him and his patient, but one faces him directly. In his office, he has a maroon couch and nice rugs on his floor. He has a table with a computer, a printer, and an answering machine. He always wears a tie. So far, he has not pressured me to go to college or to a day-treatment program. This stance a good policy.

I hope that there will be something decent on television this afternoon.

Yesterday afternoon I watched a show called something like Tony Hawk’s Skatepark Tour. Tony Hawk is a skater. I used to skate all the time in elementary school, and I stopped skating in miserable middle school. My experiences in middle school were terrible. I did not have a good experience at Sage Park Middle School at all because that place was awful. If things were different, maybe I would have liked it more and would have done good stuff instead of dreaming as I did.

I daydreamed a lot during classes and study hall, thinking about how to make my room as fancy as possible with string lights and the like. I remember one particular study hall in those big rooms with chairs in which I was making a diagram of my room with those string lights on the top of the walls. I also probably wanted a stereo system and many game systems. I got into video games a lot in middle school, and I liked playing those adventure games that took a long time to complete. I remember playing many such video games on my game

 

system, which was up in my room. When the middle school kids played lacrosse after school, I had none of that. I did, however, join the Sage Park Stage Band while in middle school, and participating in it might have been the only worthwhile thing that I did there. My playing first trumpet much of the time culminated into getting an award for a solo of mine at the University of New Hampshire Jazz Festival when I was in eighth grade.

In recent times, I do not have many memories of going places. When I was slowly deteriorating into a psychosis, I remember many of the foolish and terrible things that I did. I put these things for the most part into my journal at the time, and I am ashamed of them now whenever I remember them. I do remember them, and they plague my thoughts maybe even more than the things that I did when I was psychotic. Even when I felt better, I still continued to do some devious things, and until only recently in about the past year and a half have I gotten on a good line. I think that that I did those foolish things, which are not fit to print though they were talked of in those journal entries from some years ago, was because the hospital might have traumatized me so much and because I was still somewhat psychotic.

Today is quite a beautiful day. Although I wish that I could go outside and ride my bike, I have not been able to because my rash bothers me too much.

Dracula is still primarily about Lucy, Dr. Seward, and the friend of Dr. Seward. Lucy’s mother has died, and Lucy has been bitten yet again by the vampire and is near death. The doctor’s friend puts Lucy in warm water and dabbled some spirits on her lip and wrists. Lucy only gets attacked during the night. She has had some bad luck with her garlic necklace, which keeps coming off. Anyway, now is about the time to go. I am glad that I wrote here. I hope that I will continue writing at this pace. I am looking forward to keep reading Dracula.

Now I am probably through with my academics for today, and I have written nearly a full entry today. I will likely see the reader sometime over the weekend. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, September 29 2001

 

Today is a dark day. The sun is not out, and the sky is silver. I miss exercising, and my rash still bothers me. I feel depressed today because I did not get to go out exercising. Today I read Dracula for about forty-nine minutes.

Yesterday I had the psychiatrist appointment and read Dracula for about an hour. I feel awfully depressed right now, as I miss Mamaw and Popee. I have not seem them for so long. I had a difficult time falling asleep last night. I do not have much to talk about since I am in the house so much. Anyway, I hope that I am not headed to the mental hospital. In Dracula, there were some children missing, and when they were found, they had the bite marks on their necks. This was not in the best taste to put in a book because it involved children. I feel awfully depressed right now.

 

I feel alone in this house, and I do not get to see people on the River Trail.

Yet I am not feeling too bad, for I was able to read Dracula some today. In Dracula, Van Helsing is Dr. Seward’s friend. Van Helsing knows about the vampires, but has not told Dr. Seward yet. Dr. Seward is the type not to believe him. Today is pretty cold. I miss exercise. I have been singing in my head almost constantly the theme songs to “Growing Pains” and “Step by Step.” They are catchy tunes. The “Step by Step” one goes something like, “Step by step, day by day, a fresh start over, a different hand to play. The harder we fall, the stronger we stay, we make it better, the second time around.” That is just the first half of the song.

I cannot tell the “Growing Pains” song because of my obsessions. Both songs are catchy. I saw “Step by Step” last night, and it was about Cody and this rock star becoming good friends. She asked him to come with her on tour, but he did not want to live like that. The woman seemed awfully nice, and she was pretty too. She kind of reminded me of the rock star whom I used to like named Debbie Gibson, who had a hit single “Out of the Blue.” I really liked her, and I think that I even saw her with my mom and my cousin Sarah in concert.

I used to like a lot of music. I liked Midnight Oil, R.E.M., Love and Rockets, and even the Beastie Boys, and I still have some CDs by some of them. I have not listened to rock music like that in a long time because I am kind of paranoid about it. I saw They Might Be Giants in concert at the Iron Horse, when I was attending Loomis Chaffee. I went with Lee Green and someone else to the concert. I was friends with Lee, but I partially lost this friendship in my senior year in high school. I became friends with Lee when I was on the thirds soccer team with him at Loomis.

It is too bad that at Loomis I seemed to lose all of my good friends when I began going to parties and trying to be popular. I still often think of Hamilton College, and I wish that I could have stayed there and that things could have worked out for me though they did not work out. Right now I have a small headache that might come from all of the dust in my room. I feel like I am slowly turning into a vegetable from staying at home all of this time. I watched the news last night, and it looks like America is going to have a war with the Taliban government -if it can be called a government- in Afghanistan.

My parents went to Mamaw and Popee’s today, and I wonder how Popee is doing. I went to the psychiatrist appointment yesterday. He asked me if Dracula bothered me, if Bram Stoker wrote any other books, and whether the terrorist situation bothered me. He said that he could not see me as a soldier, and he asked me whether I could see myself as a soldier. I said that when I was little, I wanted to be a soldier, and maybe this was true at least in my child’s mind.

He asked me a lot about my dad’s sabbatical and about what he is doing. I said that he was reading and visiting places. The appointment was only about twenty minutes long. He said that he had to go to the hospital after. My next appointment is not this Monday but next Monday. I told him that I could not go

 

next week because my dad was going to visit a friend. My dad said that I should make my appointment for like next Friday, but I told a white lie in that I said that I could not go next week.

I feel like a vegetable being in this house. If I did not have Dracula, I do not know what I would do. Maybe I would have my blood sucked and have to fight a vampire, like “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” There is so much stuff out there about vampires, whether it is in movies or on television. There is a really attractive-on- the-outside girl on “Buffy,” but whether she is at all worth anything remains to be seen. Yesterday I went into my room and was surprised to see that my mirror, which had been covered in dust, had been cleaned. I have a see-through Saab sticker on my full-length mirror. I wonder where I got that “mirror, mirror on the wall.” My room is quite nice, and were it not for the usual clothes on the floor it would be really nice. My clothes are also nice, except for my sweaters and some T-shirts. I have nice pants and nice button-down shirts though I do not mean to brag. I remember that Christopher Merrill thought that I bragged when I kept both my Nintendo and Genesis in my room. Not to brag, I bring up the point that I am wearing a nice shirt with a lot of history behind it because it is from the sixth grade. I remember that back then jean jackets were in style, so I thought that I would get a jean button-down. So I went to Bazilians, and I got this B.D. Baggies Foundry shirt. I am wearing it now with some khaki Woolrich pants that I also picked up at Bazilians though I picked them up very recently. Anyway, too much talk about clothes is vain.

I might sound like a schizophrenic in my journal because I talk about one thing after another and because I use a lot of brainstorms. Schizophrenics are supposed to think about a lot of random things. I have not been out on my bike in a long time, and I truly miss it. I feel kind of low right now. I kind of wish that I were in school right now, and maybe I was even teaching in school. I just would like to have something more to do, but my medicine prevents it. This medicine seriously limits my activities. I look forward to a cure for schizophrenia.

I am glad that I have written for about a full entry today. I have written for about an hour today. I wish the reader well. I am probably not going to do any more academics today. I have to conclude my entry now, but not before wishing my reader well. I hope that the reader keeps reading and acting virtuously. I wonder what is on television tonight. I will bet that there will be a lot of football on this afternoon. I hope that this rash goes away so that I can start exercising again. I will probably see the reader soon. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, September 30 2001

 

I just went out for about a ten-minute walk, and I think that this is all that I can do with my rash. I read Dracula today for about an hour. I hope that I can see some friends in the future and that there are some good friends waiting for me in the future. Today is a nice day. I walked down the road for a short

 

distance. I was not able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s today, and I feel bad about not being there. I wish that they would have come over today. Dracula is still going well. Last night I listened to Prokofiev’s Second and Third Piano Concertos.

Yesterday I saw some football, which was kind of boring though there was one game that went into overtime. I did not get to see Mamaw and Popee today. My mom just got home, and she went to see Mamaw and Popee. In Dracula, Dr. Seward realizes that Van Helsing is telling the truth about the vampires. They both see Lucy in the graveyard with blood on her lips. The scene was kind of gruesome, and the writing suggested the gory scene vividly. This is the only time when the author was kind of vivid in his description of the vampires.

I would not want to be a vampire. If they existed though I know that they do not, I wonder what would happen. I think that today I will only write for about a half hour because that beeping really shook me up. I enjoyed my very short walk today. I hope that this rash disappears so that I can go on a regular walk. I did not see anyone on my walk today, except for a woman walking down Broad Street. It is a cool day as I found out on my walk.

Right now I am wearing a rugby shirt, blue pants, and my new Nike Air Maxes. I was pretty cool even in this fall gear, showing that pretty soon I will maybe need a coat. I hope that I will be able to write a full entry tomorrow. I have got to look up and not smell the coffee, but realize how life is not to be complained of even in the depths. I really have got it good. I just get so easily annoyed by sounds that can easily interrupt my life. I hope that I can work on this and not get so annoyed. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Monday, October 1 2001

 

For lunch today I had a turkey and cheese sandwich. I read Dracula today for about an hour. Today is a cool day, the first day of October. Halloween will soon be here. I called Mamaw and Popee last night, and I said “Hi.” Although I talked very briefly to them, I just wanted to talk to them, and I got to. Mamaw asked if I had meat for dinner, and I said “Yes.” I think that she gave the family the meat earlier. I find it hard to go without exercise every day, and I feel like my body is getting weak or something. I miss jogging, riding my bike, and seeing nature on the River Trail. I feel apathetic, and I do not have much motivation. I wish that I could go outside. My illness seems to complicate me going out anywhere, like to the mall or anything, though I should not blame my illness for that.

Last night I watched some television. I saw part of Back to the Future.

Unfortunately, I did not listen to music last night. I still have very vivid and quite good dreams. Right now it is dark out for the afternoon, as the sun is not shining much. I just had a memory of how the sun shone in the living room at my aunt Mary’s house in East Hartford. She is my dad’s sister, and I think that she has a

 

job in cleaning clothes. She has three daughters, who are my cousins. I think that they live in East Hartford too now. I have not seen them in a while now.

I am glad that I called Mamaw and Popee yesterday. I heard that Popee and Mamaw would play ping-pong, and Mamaw said that they enjoyed playing. I told Popee that I was reading and writing in my spare time, and he asked what I was writing. My mom visits my grandparents quite often these days. I am going to try writing for about fifty-eight minutes today in about a full entry though a little less than a total full one. So, this is not a full entry really. I did not see my grandparents yesterday probably because of all of the noise.

I remember a dream now. I was in the Loomis Chaffee old dining hall, and there was a famous woman rock star there. She appeared bigger than normal.

Indeed, she was about twice as big as a normal woman. The student next to her had a long, oval face that could not pass as human. I was looking with dismay at the woman, for she was not virtuous. Suddenly, me and the students were whisked through a dimension and time. The students and I were in a school bus due to the demented power of the rock star. She wanted everyone to have a good time, but it was devious. Through my power, I caused the car in back of the bus to turn over. This car contained the rock star in it. Soon, however, she caught up. I ended up in West Hartford at an office-supply store. Through my powers, I was lifted up in a contraption that took me to a place where only the people with the strongest powers of fantasy could go. Once inside, though, I was dismayed, and I checked my power on my watch and found that it was quickly being lost. I tried to step out of the place, but there was a wall of electricity or something keeping me back. So, I was thrown into a room like a fancy basement, where there were a bunch of other people who were called mutants and who were thus like me. As of yet I knew that none had escaped that room. I wanted to set them free, so I used much power and burst through this wooden panels out into freedom again. I was outside, and immediately sensing my great power, I was set up for an interview. It was planned that I was to become a human instead of a mutant. I felt that something was wrong, though, so I used my power to destroy the entire compound and escaped into Hartford. I saw a diagram illustrating how many powers of the world were converging in Connecticut after they sensed what had taken place. There are many other things in my dream, and it ended with me in a contest to fight a machine in a bathroom. I do not feel like telling my whole dream because there is so much to it.

Telling about my dream is something of a catharsis. I rarely tell about my dreams in my journal, but when I do, I feel better after. This morning I had a somewhat disgusting cereal, which was hard to eat because it was so dense.

Yesterday on my walk I walked down the street, and I got a little bit of exercise. I wish that I could still play my trumpet, but my lips just do not have the muscle to blow solely because of my medicine. I could really be a good trumpet player if my muscles were all right. As is stands my muscles in my lips and in the rest of

 

my body are weak because of this terrible tranquilizer. I guarantee that if I was off of this medicine, I would be a stellar trumpet player.

My embrasure is blown, and I miss playing the trumpet. I still have my trumpet now right beside my bed. Until a cure is found or a better medicine is found, the trumpet will lie dormant or dead, as the case may be. I would really like to play the trumpet again if I could. I miss it very much, and it would only be discouraging if I played it these days. The medicine turned me from a talented young man to a suppressed young man. Yet I still would like to believe that I have a talent in things of intelligence, so I keep reading and writing.

Exercising helps me to keep focus and is fun, and I certainly miss it these days. Now is the time to conclude my entry. I am glad that I have written today. I am glad that I wrote down one of my dreams too. I wish the reader well. I think that it is important to have a reader for my writing. For a writer, it is important to have a reader. For my writing it is important to have a fine reader, and by this I mean a fair knight or maiden, who cares for life. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, October 2 2001

 

I feel awfully depressed because of all of the noise that has been going on today. Also, I feel bad because I still have that rash which keeps me from exercising. I read Dracula for about an hour today. Now the crew is after Count Dracula. I walked for about eight minutes today. Today I want to write about a half entry. I went for about an eight-minute walk last night. I just felt so isolated in the house, and my head was screaming for some fresh air. I feel like I am in a chicken coop in this house, and I want to be out in the fresh air. The medicine sure does not help.

I hope that the crew defeats the count, who is a mischievous person to say the least. I hear some birds chirping. Yesterday I watched a lot of television, and my mind set was not good enough to listen to music. The television is something to keep me occupied. Today on my walk I saw a couple of people in a car go in their driveway, and the man was in a suit. The house is pretty nice. Today is a beautiful day. The sky and clouds are beautiful. It is warm out, and I really do not need these long pants on today. I am writing slowly because I am depressed and down.

The news is boring, and all that is on is that Trade Towers thing though there has been no reports of a war yet. I remember playing a computer game in which one could sell opium from one’s ships. The subject of opium came up because Afghanistan sells a lot of opium, and I think that they account for about half of all the world’s opium. When I was playing that computer game when I was little, I did not know what opium was. Now that I am older, therefore, I know what it is. I would never use opium. The stuff is bad for one, as is all drugs even Zyprexa. In the computer game I think that one would put stuff on a ship and

 

sail to places buying and selling. I do not remember the details of that computer game, but I remember that I liked the game.

I remember a lot of games that I used to play on those five-and-a-quarter- inch true floppy disks that went in the disk drives to the old Apple IIE. I played Choplifter, Carmen Sandiego, Q-bert, Droll, and the Bard’s Tale among other games. I was influenced a lot by the game The Bard’s Tale. I was equally influenced by Ultima IV. Those role-playing games really influenced me and my imagination. They might have contributed to my becoming psychotic, as I acted out, as it were, the actions that I made my on-screen character do.

Even in high school, I played a role-playing game a lot. The game was called Wizardry the Bane of the Cosmic Forge. That seems to me now to have been a waste of time, as I regret spending much time on a game when in high school. I think that playing so many games on the computer might have been bad for me in the long run. I remember playing a role-playing game, on the Genesis game system, called Phantasy Star. I think that I used to play that for hours on end each day. Now is about time to complete this about half entry. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, October 4 2001

 

Today I have had a good day. I read Dracula for about fifty minutes, and I went for a walk for about nine minutes. I am going along well in Dracula. Today it is actually warm out. Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house in the afternoon, and I played four games of ping-pong with Popee. He seemed pretty well. I also had some fruit over there. My grandmother on my dad’s side died yesterday, thus my dad was pretty sad over it. I am kind of sad as well even though I did not know her too well since she lived in a different country.

On my really short walk I walked down a side street, and I saw what looked to be a woman walking down the street. There were some American flags hanging up on some of the houses. Some leaves are turning color. I feel kind of hot in this button-down shirt. I still look up to God a lot, and I hope that I will always look up to Him. I admire His grace, and I owe Him a lot. He has given me a lot, and I owe Him for this. I hope that I continue to have Him on my side.

Today really is a beautiful day. Some of the leaves on the trees are yellow, but not many of them are. I am kind of looking forward to the winter. I like snow. I guess that I could tell about my visit to Mamaw and Popee’s yesterday.

Popee wore white pants and a nice button-down shirt. He had his cane handy. I helped him up out of his chair, and he was surprised that he needed help. I told him that I was reading Dracula, and my mom guessed that the author was Mary Shelley. Then she corrected herself and said that Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein. My mom asked Popee if he read Dracula, and he said that he had and that he liked it a lot. Then my mom asked me if I read Frankenstein, and I said “Yes.” Popee asked me what classes I was taking, and I said that I was not in

 

school this semester. When I see him, he always asks about school, thus I kind of wish that I were in school so that I could tell him about it.

I played four games of ping-pong, and Popee and I played pretty well. My mom was the ball girl, and I won all four games. Mamaw was curious as to how Popee played. There was the cat Gregory on the porch with the family, and Mamaw remarked at how the cat had scratched her on a previous day. Cats do have sharp claws. Mamaw and Popee’s house is very nice and clean, and it is quite nice that they have a screen porch with chairs to sit on. When I left, in cars there were some parents, who I guess were waiting for their children to get out of classes. The school next door is called the Noah Webster School. I think that my mom went there, but I am not sure.

The school looks quite nice. When Popee won the first point of a game, I remarked that he needed ten more to win. I said that he needed ten more, and he said something humorous. I think that my mom laughed too. My mom’s car was quite in disarray. There were paper cups strewn about and some vacuum bad or something near my seat. My mom wore a turquoise button-down with blue pants. She asked me if I wanted disability benefits. I said “No.” I just do not like the sound of being on disability benefits, for it makes me sound unemployed. I do have my work, which is writing here and reading. Also, I usually exercise.

I am still reading Dracula, which is going well, and right now in the book the latest is that the patient in the asylum was beaten severely in the head. The patient’s name is Renfield, and he is called mad in the book though these days he would likely be called schizophrenic. Neither Dr. Seward nor Van Helsing know who beat him up, but he is in quite a bad condition. By the way, today I am writing about a full entry. I think that Renfield had some connection to Count Dracula. Back in those days they used padded rooms and straightjackets, and I would hate to be in a straightjacket. I did not like the feeling in the mental hospital of being tied down either. I remember that I was tied down in a room and given an injection of Haldol, and I wonder if this Haldol did any damage. I was tied down in the room because of a psychotic outburst of mine.

I must have thought that the people were evil and did something bad. I mean that I must have done something bad in that I acted out of line. Right now in Dracula, however, the crew is out in search of Count Dracula, and they mean to kill him. The leader of the group is Van Helsing, and from him the crew learns all that they need to know about vampires. I wonder if any of the crew will get killed by Count Dracula. Van Helsing says that the count has the strength of twenty men though I do not understand one point. I do not understand what the purpose of all the coffins are that the count is using. I wonder what happened to Renfield though I have a guess that the count beat him up. The one person that the crew wanted to leave out of the hardships of facing Dracula is Mina Harker, yet she I think is intimately involved, no pun intended. I think that Dracula is

 

sucking her blood at night while she sleeps. Of course, Mina is the wife of Jonathan Harker, who spent some time in Dracula’s place.

I wonder how Renfield will end up. He is an interesting character in the book as well as his doctor, whose last name is Seward. There is not much on television these days, and no good movies are on. The movies shown on television are either old or of poor quality; therefore, I am kind of bored watching the television at times. I remember when I was in some movies that Christopher Merrill and James Ristas produced though I should have been doing something more productive. I kind of regret being in these movies. I could have been studying to get into Dartmouth, where I really wanted to go to college, yet I deigned to be in a movie which I did not even have a say in how it would turn out as far as plot or my character. Last night, I watched two episodes of “Step by Step,” which has got some serious problems, but I like a couple of the actors in it. As I mentioned at Mamaw and Popee’s house, there does not seem to be much military action on the part of the United States against the ruling government in Afghanistan. If I were the commander in chief of this nation, I would attack Afghanistan. Yet the terrain is quite hard to win battles in, as the former Soviet Union found out in its war. I have a psychiatrist appointment this Monday. I am glad that I went to Mamaw and Popee’s yesterday.

Now is the time to end this journal entry. I am glad that I wrote today. I am probably about through with academics for today. I hope that I will be able to listen to Mozart’s Fortieth and Forty-First Symphonies tonight. The news tonight will probably be depressing as usual, and there will probably be more talk of terrorism. I hope that the reader is doing all right. I hope that the reader cares about me and continue following up with my journal. I wish fine health and good times for the reader. I wonder if the reader keeps a journal, and it would probably be a good idea for the reader to keep one up. Well, now I am off, but I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. Bye bye.

 

Friday, October 5 2001

 

Today I read Dracula and took a short walk. I am not feeling very well physically, and maybe I have a bug or something. I feel tired and pretty bad. I might be sick. I took a short walk, but even had my rash been gone, I do not think that I could exercise for a full half hour. My walk was about nine minutes long. I do not feel too well. I guess that I could walk over to the library or something. There is not much to do these days, but maybe I will write some more. Last night, although I tried listening to Mozart’s Fortieth and Forty-First symphonies, I knew them too well, so they were not worth listening to. If one knows them well, then there is no use repeating them. Today I read Dracula for about fifty minutes.

Mina is the prey of the vampire. The crew is trying to destroy the count still, and they saw the count with Jonathan Harker and Mina though the vampire

 

escaped. It can enter a room as mist, and even if there is only an inch of the door open, it can pass through. The vampire can take the form of a bat too. I will bet that the count will die in the end. The crew scared him off with crucifixes. Also, when Van Helsing put a sacred wafer on Mina’s head, it burned her head, and everyone was surprised at this. I need a haircut pretty bad. Today is quite hot, and I am wearing a T-shirt and shorts. I watched too much television yesterday. I do not feel well right now. I think that I will quit writing now. I have written for about twelve minutes. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, October 7 2001

 

Today I read Dracula for about fifty minutes. I wanted to walk for about ten minutes, but I could not do so because of the motorcycles. I wanted to write yesterday, but I could not because Mamaw and Popee came over. Yesterday I read Dracula for about fifty minutes, and I walked for about nine minutes. I hope that I will be able to write this entry today and that I can get in a full entry today though I might be a minute or two short of a full entry.

I am almost through with Dracula now. The crew is going to go to Transylvania and try to kill Dracula. There is not much left in the book, and I wonder what will happen to Mina Harker. I will bet that she will be saved before she turns into a full vampire. I wonder how the book will end. Dracula tried to escape to Transylvania on a boat, and the crew got this intelligence through Mina’s dreams.

Today is a beautiful day. I really want to finish Dracula for two reasons.

Firstly I get to finish a good book and secondly I get to go to the bookstore to get some new books. Mamaw and Popee came over yesterday, and Popee, my mom, and I walked to the end of the driveway and back. At the end of the walk, Popee was quite weak and said that his back hurt. He had trouble getting into the car when they were leaving. Mamaw noticed my new shoes, and she talked about a lot of things yesterday at the kitchen table.

Popee asked me if I played tennis lately. Yesterday I watched a lot of television. I need new CDs very badly, but I do not want to go to the bookstore to get them until I finish Dracula. Tomorrow I have a psychiatrist appointment, which I do not want to go to. The leaves are turning color on the trees, and I see some yellow and red leaves on some trees. This morning I had a very hard time getting myself to read, but finally I was able to read. I do not know what in the world I would have done today if I was not able to read.

I can see some purple flowers from my room. My parents just went out. I do not think that Mamaw and Popee will come over today. The last time that I wrote was Friday, when I wrote a very little. It turns out that I was not sick that day, and that night I actually went on a jog for about twenty-two minutes. Well, I will clarify this in saying that I might have been sick if it went away later when I ran.

 

Mamaw wanted me to come over to Hartford today, but I have to write in my journal. There is basically nothing good on television these days. There was an interesting movie on last night though called Good Will Hunting. Still, it was kind of fake, and I did not watch the whole thing. I feel kind of dumb today, for I cannot seem to pick a good topic to write about. Maybe I am rusty as far as writing is concerned. I remember at Trinity College when I was around these people playing volleyball, and the group of them asked me a lot of questions.

They seemed nice, and I think that they were older than me. One was a young woman, who had figured in my psychotic thoughts at the time. She looked older than she was. I think that she wore nail polish.

The volleyball net was up on the green in the center of the college, near where the real cannons are. I remember saying that I actually did not want to play volleyball, but I could not have played anyway because they had taken down the net. I was quite stupid at Trinity College. I remember that I had my Latin books among other books set down, and the young woman asked me about them. I said that I really was not that smart, and internally I was thinking as to how the medicine slowed me down.

Popee asked me if I had seen Trinity College lately, and I said that I had not. If I returned to Trinity College, I would do it entirely differently. I would try to make friends and to go to clubs, yet I cannot do that on this medicine. I do not have the motivation or the energy to return to Trinity College on this medicine. I remember parking by the gym to go to my Latin class with Professor Anhalt. I was the only male in the class, and everyone else were females. I will bet that they liked having me in class. I remember me translating in that class.

I also remember going to the exercise room, where this infernal music played all the time. I did not mind it then, but it is annoying now if that can be believed. I did not act well at Trinity College. I did not act with kindness towards others. Well, maybe I did, and I am now confused between psychotic thoughts and the truth. I do not know what the truth is of my experience at Trinity College, whether I acted nicely or badly. Maybe now I am just messed up, and then I was better. Now, however, I believe that I am acting better than then and am more virtuous. Now I think that I like life more. Now I have more freedom to read what I want. Now I do not have the pressure of college. Yet I wish that I could return to college with a renewed sense of my own worth, which I have now at home. If I did return, I could try to talk more. Maybe I could make some friends and shake some hands.

Now I have my family, and Mamaw and Popee are special to me. Yet if I returned, maybe my sole focus could be having friends. If I was off of this medicine, I could really tear up Trinity College. I mean that I could be Mr.

Trinity College. I could take good courses, meet new friends, and go to lectures. I could be kind to both my teachers and my peers and be a model student.

Maybe I could be on the soccer team and the tennis team with a rest in the winter. I could be a boarding student, and have a nice room. I would try to give

 

back as much as possible to the school, and maybe I could even start up a ping- pong club.

Tomorrow I have a psychiatrist appointment. I should tell James Bozzuto that I do not want to see him every week, as that is too much for me. I just do not think that I can go that often, and I would much rather go once every two weeks. I hope that I never have to take that Ativan, which is probably addictive like Xanax. I am glad that I am not taking the Navane, which I was taking when under Thomas Hill’s care. The Navane made me really tired. There is not much on television on the weekend besides football.

I find football quite boring unless the game is close in the fourth quarter though I remember that I liked playing football. I need a haircut very badly. My hair is too long in the front though I by no means have long hair, like those heavy-metal people who complain of being thrust out of society. I hate heavy metal, as it is a waste of time listening to it.

I remember that my friend Shane in middle school liked heavy metal, and I think that he even had an electric guitar in his apartment room. I know little about heavy metal, but I have heard of heavy-metal bands, like Poison. Well, after I write this, I will probably rest for the rest of the day and watch some television. I regret that I was not able to walk enough today. Now I have got to conclude this entry. I wish the reader well, and I hope that he or she maintains solid health. I care for the reader. I hope that the reader chooses the proper decisions and has the right morals and ideas. I probably will not write tomorrow because I have a psychiatrist appointment, but I plan on maintaining this journal well. I will thus probably see the reader soon. I am off now, but I will try to keep writing. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, October 9 2001

 

I just got home from a short walk. I was out for about ten minutes. I am almost through with Dracula, and I think that I actually will finish this book though I cannot be sure yet. Today I will write an entry about five minutes less than normal, which is all right. I want to go to the bookstore tomorrow. I need some books and CDs, and I have not been to the bookstore in a long time. Right now I especially miss exercising. I miss this very much. I do not like having to live in this house without seeing the lovely nature on the River Trail. I do not want to get out of touch with nature. Walking along the street is not nearly as fun as walking under a cover of trees.

Yesterday I read for about fifty minutes, and I walked for about ten minutes. I also went to that psychiatrist appointment. Preparing to go to the appointment caused me a lot of frustration and stress. My obsessions made me keep looking into the Dracula book, as the anxiety over going to the psychiatrist that same day made my obsessions worse. I need to get some CDs really badly,

 

and I want to get like five CDs. Some could be those cheap ones. I just need a plethora of CDs.

I hope that in the future I will have some dear friends, for friends are especially praiseworthy. Friends are important, and they are fun to have. I have not been listening to music at night lately, and I miss it very much. Therefore, I hope that I will be able to get some new CDs. Right now I am wearing a colorful button-down, which is by MacCluer. I am wearing some blue Calvin Klein pants and my old Nike sneakers. On my walk today I did not see anything much except for a hotel van. I saw a man sitting down on the side of the street, for he was probably waiting for a bus. My hair is getting too long in the front, so I probably need a haircut. I hope that I will be able to get a haircut next week sometime.

I am almost through with Dracula as I mentioned earlier. Mina is not looking too well, thus she might be turning into a vampire. I saw the psychiatrist yesterday.

Conversation for me is somewhat strained with him. I feel more comfortable talking to him about matters not too personal like the war against terrorism going on now. I do not feel to comfortable talking about myself. The psychiatrist asked me about my book. I summarized what had happened of late in the book.

That last paragraph was pretty long, and these paragraphs if strung together can be annoying. Yet as it stands it is all right, for this paragraph will hopefully not be very long. The psychiatrist made my next appointment for next Wednesday. I was there for about a half hour yesterday. My dad drove me there. I told my dad before I went to the psychiatrist that his car clock was fast. He waited until I finished with the appointment. I am looking forward to maybe going to the book store tomorrow, where I plan on getting two Nietzsche books, a Euripides book, an Aeschylus book, and a Jack London book. I hope that my dad will be able to drive me. I told the psychiatrist that I was going to get new books this week, and not even my family knew this. That is what I mean by not feeling well divulging my personal information to a psychiatrist. On my walk today I passed a house that had some nice orange flowers in pots on the lawn. There were many houses with big American flags hung up to support the troops in the war against Afghanistan. Yesterday I was acutely frustrated when my obsessions kept making me go back and look in the Dracula book for some crazy reasons.

This took a lot out of me, but I was able to go to the psychiatrist appointment I did not wear my new Nikes today, for they would not match my outfit.

There would be too much blue in my outfit, but as it stands the white shoes match. I hope that I will be able to see Mamaw and Popee this Saturday, and I saw them two times last week on Wednesday and on Saturday. If I could get any watch that I wanted, I would probably get a Rolex, yet I would not get a Rolex with a lot of gaudy stuff on it, like diamonds. I would rather get a conservative Rolex that is just gold or platinum. Right now my watch is a digital one that goes for about thirty or forty dollars. My dad asked me yesterday if I liked a car in front of us that was a Toyota Camry, and I said “No.”

 

He asked me what other car I did like, and I had a smirk on my face. I almost mentioned a Ferrari, but he guessed Acura. Since that is the only nice car that the family might be able to possibly afford, I think that I said “Yes.” My dad said that I always liked expensive things. If I had to pick a car, I would likely pick a red Ferrari without a top. I like red, and the design of a Ferrari. I like Lamborghinis too, but the sliding doors make it look kind of gaudy. The Ferrari is more conservative.

As far as the book Dracula goes, Van Helsing is with Mina, and they are going to the castle where Dracula lived. I do not fully understand why exactly they are doing this. There is a group of two on the sea, and I think that the rest of the crew is searching on land. Van Helsing is worried about Mina, and he leaves a note for John Seward in case he dies. Dr. Seward is his closest friend. Dracula is trying to escape from the crew. It is not easy to catch Dracula especially now since Van Helsing has trouble hypnotizing Mina. Although he used to be able to hypnotize her fine, now he cannot, and he feels that he is losing her. When he hypnotized her before, he was able to find out crucial information about where the count was. I just checked the dictionary to make sure that I spelled hypnotized right.

I think that the spelling in the book Dracula is hypnotise, but this is because it is written for the English people. The English have certain variations on spelling in some words. The leaves are still changing colors on the trees, and there are some red, orange, and yellow leaves. I remember in elementary school how in art class the students would learn about primary colors and mixing colors. I learned a lot about colors in elementary school, like about how certain colors combined to make certain other colors. I learned that black is a combination of all the colors and that white reflects the light of the sun.

I think that I liked that class more for the students than for the infamous teacher, whom yet I did not find so bad. I had a terrific time in elementary school in every class. Things changed in middle school though, and I especially did not like the gym teacher in middle school. I did not mind the technical-drawing class, and I think that the eccentric teacher there was Mr. Trombley. I excelled in that class though not as much as William Jacob, who did the most technical drawing among all the students. Willie Jacob was a motley character in some ways though he always seemed to be nice to me. So, now for the rest of the day I will probably watch some television.

I miss jogging and especially riding my bike. I miss riding my bike very much, for that is the exercise that makes me look the least conspicuous. When I am jogging, I must look like an extremely intellectual person without any physical ability. At worst, the people seeing me might think that I have something wrong with me. I look fine in my clothes and in my flesh, but as far as my performance goes that is quite below normal to the people whom I pass by. I am glad that I got to write today, and I really hope that my rash goes away pretty quickly. I want to return to the schedule that I was used to.

 

Now I have to conclude my journal entry, and I will have written almost a full entry today. I wrote a lot today, as this entry bears out. I guess that I had quick fingers. Anyway, tomorrow I hope that I will be able to go to the bookstore. I probably will not write tomorrow, but I look forward to writing for the rest of this week. I hope that I will be able to go to the bookstore tomorrow. Today really is a beautiful day. I wish the reader well as always, and I wish the reader good health. Well, now I am off. I hope that I was not too loquacious today and that the reader keeps his or her health up. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, October 11 2001

 

The past two days have been the worst in a while. Today I did not do any academics besides looking in some of the CD covers that I got yesterday.

Yesterday I managed to go out to the bookstore, and I got some books and CDs. Yesterday I read Dracula for about thirty-two minutes, and I finished the book. Dracula dies in the end. Today I was sick with a stomach bug. Today is a beautiful day. I am not well enough to write a full or half entry today, so I guess that I will stop now. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Friday, October 12 2001

 

Yesterday night was really hard. I was sick, and I was essentially immobile on the couch for the night. I was really sick last night, but today I feel much better. I need a haircut bad, and I want to get one next week. I finished Dracula yesterday, and today I started The Song of Roland. I talked with my mom for a while last night, for I was really sick and could not find anything to do. Today I read The Song of Roland for about fifty minutes. Yesterday I watched a lot of television, including two episodes of the show “Friends.”

Today there seem to be more colored leaves on one particular tree. I went for about a ten-minute walk today, but my obsessions got to me when I noticed a house number of forty-four, which is a number that I dislike. My turning around at about this number, which is why it bothered me. I really need a haircut badly, for my hair in the front and sides is annoying. The Song of Roland is pretty good, and I think that it was written a while ago. I talked to my mom for a long time last night, and she asked me if I wanted to get a job. I mentioned how I disliked how tired Zyprexa made me. She pointed out that without the medicine I would be in bad shape, which I guess is true.

She thinks that I could have my journal published if I wanted to. Anyway, today I am going to only write about a half entry so that I can rest for the rest of the day. It is nice that I have seen some birds on this uncommonly warm day, and I think that the birds that I saw were sparrows. They are small birds. Someday I would like to see a hummingbird, which flap their wings at an amazing rate. I slept a lot last night. It is a relief that I did sleep well though. On my walk I did

 

not see many people. I saw a man with a beard doing some menial job. I think that he was doing his trash or something though that does not make sense since it is only a Friday. Yet maybe he was putting trash bags in the trash containers. Anyway, I feel much better today than I did yesterday though I feel that I really should rest for the rest of the day when I am done with this entry.

I am wearing an Umbro T-shirt, blue J. Crew shorts, and some Adidas sandals. I think that yesterday on my walk, I tripped and almost fell on the porch steps. This house really does not have much of a porch, but it has steps and a little spot where one can stand and not get rain on one during a thunderstorm. I do not think that those workers did a very good job on painting the house yesterday, as they got some paint on the windows. I hope that those people stay away from this house for a long time. They were bad enough to give one waking nightmares, and one of them was swearing and talking about how he would break all the bones in someone’s body. There was one guy, looking like Andre Agassi with his shaved head, who explained to this worker what the draft was.

The one who swore had a very crude and vulgar sound to his voice, and I nearly went crazy yesterday with all of the commotion. The people were all around the house, and I could not sit anywhere without a head poking in a window. My privacy was terribly invaded, or so I felt. I think that I will write only a half entry today even though this is too bad. I just feel that I need to rest. The Song of Roland is a pretty good book though it is kind of crude. I think that the book was written a long time ago. There were no cars or even carriages back when the book was written though there were wars. The book is pretty well written, and I wonder who wrote it.

On Wednesday I got five books and five CDs, and I hope that I will be able to get back into the habit of listening to CDs. Today really is a beautiful day. The Song of Roland is a short book, and I should be able to finish it soon. I have got a lot of books to read still from what I got on Wednesday. Well, now is about time to conclude this entry. I am glad that I got this entry in today. I look forward to writing more entries in the future. After writing this, I just have to relax. I wish the reader well as always. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, October 13 2001

 

I just returned from a short walk. I miss my bike riding very much, and these short about ten-minute walks are not enough; I do not get enough exercise from them. Today is quite warm, and I feel quite warm in this button-down shirt. A lot of people are outside their houses, and I saw one person trimming his trees. Another was watering her plants. I am hoping that I will be able to write about a full entry today and that I do not get interrupted. I need a haircut really bad, and I want to get one next week. Hair keeps falling down my forehead. I decided not to go to see my grandparents today because I want to rest and to relax today. I do

 

not want to be in the car today. I am still reading The Song of Roland in which there is a clash between the French and Spanish armies.

I still do not know when the book takes place. It is annoying that my hair keeps falling down. Roland is on the French side, and all of the Spanish and one traitor on the French side want him dead. Roland is related to King Charles, which I think is short for Charlemagne. I am guessing that the book took place in the Middle Ages, indeed having been written in the Middle Ages. Obviously, it is a book of fiction though maybe only partially fiction since there might be some fact in it.

I really miss going out and walking. I also need a haircut, as my bangs are bothering me right now. On my walk I saw what looked like two high-school girls, and they were dressed all right though not fancily. In other words, they were not dressed as well as they should have been according to my standard.

Today really is a beautiful day. Halloween is coming up soon, as I think that it is on October thirtieth or thirty-first. Obviously, I am not going out though I would like to go to some Halloween party if I had my choice.

I remember clearly the Halloween parties that I went to as a kid in elementary school at Loomis. I remember all of the candy corns put in nice glass containers on each table in the “old” dining hall as it is called, and the dining hall would be all decorated with banners too. I have fine memories of my Halloween parties at Loomis though they might have tried to spoil me. So, Halloween is not very far off. If I could be anyone this year, I would probably be Count Dracula.

My parents right now are at Mamaw and Popee’s house.

I have got to get back into exercising. I think that next week I will try to get back into my exercise program, and I hope that my rash will have healed enough. I woke up a little bit earlier than usual today, and I will actually able to stay up. I feel kind of tired right now. I just wish that I could get back into the habit of exercising again, but I am not too worried about that. Yesterday I only got to write about a half entry. I told my mom two night ago that I was slowed down a lot by the Zyprexa and that I had to walk instead of run, and she seemed to realize how hard it was on me. She pointed out that if I did not take the medicine, some bad things would happen.

She said that she would like to see me get out more and that the more that I was inside the house the harder it would be to get out of the house. I kind of wish that I lived in a nicer neighborhood; then I could enjoy my walks more. If I lived in a big house, then it would likely be quieter in my room. Yet I am glad that I live in this house because it could be much worse, as I could be one of those refugees in Afghanistan. James Bozzuto said that the people there are living as in the Middle Ages, and I am not sure exactly what he meant by this but in a way I guess that he is right. I have a psychiatrist appointment soon this Wednesday.

Well, not too soon. My mom mentioned that she still has not gotten rid of my two Internet accounts and that she cannot believe that she still is paying for them.

 

The Song of Roland is about these men in a war, and it kind of reminds me of the Iliad by Homer. The French are against the Spanish. The Spanish have about one hundred thousand men, while the French number only about twenty thousand. Roland is the leader of this particular band of the French army, and though his comrade in arms wants him to get Charlemagne to send more troops, Roland does not want to do this as he think that that would be a disgrace. So, Roland and his men are going up against a much larger Spanish army, which is led by King Marsile, who is not a Christian. The tale is essentially about a Christian French army going against the Paynim hordes of the Spanish. I think that the King of Spain looks up to Apollo. I just looked in the dictionary to make sure that I spelled hordes right. I guess that horde means a pack or a group of something. I wrote that word because I thought that it had a negative meaning. I do not know why the book is called The Song of Roland, for it has not talked of any song. Roland has not shown himself to be anything extremely special other than being extremely courageous. He is almost arrogant in his refusal to get the

rest of the French troops, who were moving out of Spain to join him. I remember in middle school when a teacher told me that I was arrogant and mean. He was a social-studies teacher with a last name of Boccaccio. I was taping his class on a microcassette recorder, and he hated that. He said something like that he knew that I was arrogant, but he did not know that I was mean.

He was the one that was a terrible teacher, and I was just innocent and trying out a neat electronics device. Unfortunately, the teacher held the last name of the famous Boccaccio, who wrote that fine book the Decameron. I remember that in middle school I also got sent to the principal’s office for recording a speech in the auditorium by a guest author. I was told that the author did not want anyone to record her though I do not think that I knew that before I turned on the tape recorder. Those people in middle school were horrendous. The principal, however, turned out to be pretty nice. I think that he told me not to do it again, and that people learn from their mistakes. Maybe he was unhappy at Sage Park Middle School too. Anyway, The Song of Roland is going well, and it is a quite short book.

I cannot wait to get a haircut. I need one really badly. The barber shop in town is very convenient, but the quality can be lacking in the haircut. Still, since it is so convenient, I would not consider going to a different barber shop. There was not much on television yesterday afternoon, but I hope that there is something all right on television today. Well, I am about through with my entry now. I will try to keep up my entries. I hope that next week I will be able to get back into exercising again. I wish the reader good health both mentally and physically. I hope that the reader is doing well. I think that I am through with academics for the day now. Well, now I am off. I will see the reader soon. Today really is a beautiful day, and I am glad that I got out if only for about ten minutes. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, October 14 2001

 

I was not able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s today because of the noise, as I just could not make any rational decisions with those people and their hammers. Today I actually exercised. I jogged and walked for a total of about a half hour, and I did a loop of the River Trail. Today is really a beautiful day. The River Trail had very few people on it, and it was really beautiful with all the trees. Today is a fine fall day. I really need a haircut very badly. On my walk my hair kept falling down over my eyes, and I had to keep brushing it back.

I am very glad that I got to take a walk today for a full half hour. I saw very few people on the trail. I saw a couple who were in their forties maybe, and they looked like they were married. The trail was really beautiful. Today the sun is not out much, but the air is crisp and clear. Today I read The Song of Roland for about an hour. I do have a beautiful view of some nice trees from my window.

The Song of Roland can get kind of graphic in its battle scenes. For example, it tells of how men had their hands chopped off and their spine ripped. Roland has only sixty men left as I understand it.

The hero Oliver has recently died. Oliver suggested to Roland that he not blow his horn to summon Charlemagne’s troops who are away. He thought that by doing so Roland would be a coward. Yet the bishop broke up their verbal fight, and he settled the matter between them. He said that Roland was right and that they should blow the horn. Roland blew the horn, and King Charlemagne heard it along with a companion with him. Then they found out who was the traitor among them, and they handed over the traitor to the cooks, who beat him up squarely.

I am not sure how many troops the French under Charlemagne had. I guess that now the French are heading over the mountains and towards where Roland blew the horn with all of his might. Roland had to blow the horn very hard indeed to get Charlemagne to hear it, and the author describes how his temples throbbed from the effort. Well, now is about time to end this entry.

Things have certainly not been easy today, but hopefully I can get through the day without going crazy. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, October 16 2001

 

I just got home from a walk on the River Trail. I did not get to write yesterday, for the day before yesterday I did not sleep well because of the very high noise of the pipes in the middle of the night. Last night the pipes acted up again, and I got up probably about five times during the night because of that. I think that I slept better last night than the other night though. Today I read the Song of Roland for about an hour. Now I should talk about the grace of God. He has helped me along the way of late, and He has guided me. I hope that I will

 

always look up to Him and His grace. I want to always look up to Him, and I hope that He will look after me. Today is a beautiful day.

On my walk I wore a sweatshirt and shorts. The River Trail did not have many people on it today. I feel that this is an important entry. I will probably not write tomorrow because I have a psychiatrist appointment then. The Song of Roland is a pretty good book, and it is easy to read though the book is kind of boring. Roland has died, and now there is a war between the Paynims and the French. I am about at the end of the book. I am kind of nervous right now, for I really want to get in this entry and do not want to be interrupted. There is a guy who might come today to fix the pipes, and I am nervous about this. I hope that he does not come by when I am writing here.

Today really is a beautiful day, and the air is crisp and cool. Yesterday I read The Song of Roland for about an hour, and I rode my bike for about a half hour. I had a nice bike ride. There were tons of people on the River Trail yesterday. I passed a whole bunch of people on my bike. Today I passed a couple who looked to be pretty old and a woman with her kids. I do not know why she was wearing sandals on the River Trail, for she should have been wearing some sneakers. The trail is particularly wonderful in this season. All is so nice.

There are many leaves now on the grass. On my walk today, I saw some high-school kids walking down the street. I saw a group of three girls, another group, and yet another group though I did not see any kids on the River Trail. The river is at a pretty low point, and this might be because it did not get much rain of late. The Song of Roland is not great, but it is not bad either. The book is short, and I do not think that I could have continued reading it if it were four hundred pages. Yet as it stands, it is good that it is short because a book like that should not be long. I will bet that I appear to be talking nonsense on this topic. Anyway, I miss Mamaw and Popee. I did not get to see them last weekend. I really miss them, and I wish that I would have an easier time in going out of the house. Then I could play ping-pong with Popee. In the yard there is one tree that is basically all orange and a light shade of red. My mom is at work now in Glastonbury, which sounds like a place in England.

Some of the names in The Song of Roland are hard to pronounce, for they are French names. Roland at least is easy enough to pronounce. Yesterday in the afternoon I saw part of a funny movie called Funny Farm. Then in the night I saw the news, and there is nothing on the news besides the terrorist attack on the World Trade Towers. I heard from my mom that my sister goes out to party at night starting at around eleven o ‘clock. I heard that Elizabeth thought that the Spanish boys were nasty, and I do not mean handsome by nasty. There is a big scare now about terrorism using biological weapons.

After writing this, I think that I will be done with academics for the day. I am glad that I am able to get in an entry today, even if it is a half entry. I think that I will be doing half entries for a while now because I have gotten back into exercising. I hope that the pipes get fixed tonight, for nights are really terrible

 

when the pipes do not work well. I hear an annoying sound of construction vehicles outside. Lately, it seems as if sounds are everywhere, for I cannot seem to go through a day without really annoying sounds.

I am so glad that I got to get in a walk today, and I jogged to and from the River Trail. It is funny that I was passed on the River Trail by a man with white hair because it seems as if every human on this planet is meant to be quicker than me. Now is about time to quit this entry. I hope that I will get to see Mamaw and Popee sometime soon. Halloween is coming up soon. Anyway, for the rest of the day I guess that I will watch some television. I am off now. I hope that the reader is in good spirits. I will probably write on Thursday. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, October 18 2001

 

I just recently got home from a walk on the River Trail. There were not many people on the trail today. Last night I listened to a couple Mozart horn concertos. Today the fact that I need a haircut really got to me, and I was annoyed at my too long hair. I plan on getting a haircut next week, but I really need one now. Today I read Aeschylus for about an hour, and I was really impressed by his writing. I read Prometheus Bound today, and I finished the play, which was quite short. I had started it yesterday, but I had read only about a couple pages yesterday. So I read today alone nearly a whole play. The piece was really a fine piece of writing. I was surprised at how good of a writer Aeschylus was. The play was about how Zeus had Prometheus bound to a mountain for giving fire and culture to mortals. Prometheus predicts the downfall of Zeus, and he will not tell Hermes, who was a messenger from Zeus, how the downfall will occur.

There is a chorus in the play. In the end the chorus disperses as Zeus attempts to punish Prometheus even more than he has for his rebellious words. I do like the classics very much, and right now I kind of actually miss Trinity College. I would probably like Aeschylus even more if I translated him.

Yesterday I went to the psychiatrist appointment, and the psychiatrist talked nearly the whole time about baseball, which he has a liking to. I am kind of surprised that he talked so much yesterday, and he must have had a real interest in baseball.

Yesterday I read for about a half hour, and I finished The Song of Roland.

Yesterday I also walked for about a half hour.  I have been listening to music some. I listened to Bela Bartok’s sonata, suite, andante for piano, fifteen Hungarian peasant songs, three Hungarian folk songs, and three rondos on folk tunes. I also listened to Rimsky-Korsakov’s Pan Voyevoda suite and a musical picture called Sadko.  So, I have been listening to the music that I got at Borders.  I copied the songs out from the CD covers.

 

I really liked the peasant songs that Bartok played. I remember that the first piano book that I learned was fun and was by Bartok. Anyway, the Rimsky- Korsakov CD was quiet, for the sound quality might be kind of off. On my walk today, I passed two women. I think that they are teachers, for I think that I saw them on local television. They inevitable are boring people. I wonder what got into my head to say this. Today is really a beautiful day.

The walk on the River Trail was fun though I was plagued with my shadow on the ground which showed my hair and parts of it sticking up due to its length. I wish that I could run, I really do. I feel really bad that I cannot run. At least I have my body, and I can walk. If the reader does not know, when I was psychotic I nearly did some serious damage to my body. I came away unscathed by pure luck. When I was psychotic, I was planning on drinking that laundry liquid, but there was none left.

Last night I got to bed later than usual because my dad got home late from a friend’s house. I think that he went to the Rabetz house. My dad is good friends with the photography teacher Walter Rabetz, and I remember that his wife Marilyn wrote me a personal recommendation for college. I hope that that is how one spells recommendation. Anyway, I do not want to get psychotic again, that is for sure. There is not much on the news besides the war in Afghanistan and the biological-weapons scare. Television is so boring. Of course, no good movies are put on television these days. Nearly all of the movies are box-office bombs that failed at the box office or theaters, as they say. I think that in England they spell theaters as theatres. Well, I am about through with my entry for today. I will probably not do any more academics today. I am glad that this season is so nice. I like the fall immensely. Pretty soon it will be winter, and even sooner will be Halloween. I wish the reader well as always. Bye bye.

 

Friday, October 19 2001

 

Yesterday night I had a small breakdown. I could not listen to music, and I got really nervous. I did not have a panic attack or anything like that, but I just felt that I could not do much. Today I still am not feeling that great though I was able to read for about an hour and ride my bike for about a half hour. I really want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow, so I hope that this breakdown does not impede me going. I read an entire Aeschylus play today. I read The Suppliants. This play was a fine one, but it not was fine as Prometheus Bound.

Today really is a beautiful day. I liked riding my bike and did pretty well with it, as I rode at a pretty average pace. I pumped up my tires today. I saw some people on the River Trail.

I saw a couple of Loomis people, who were Susan Ross and Louise Moran.

I passed a mother, who was pushing her daughter in a carriage, and a couple of high-school kids, who were on their bikes. They were idle, and one of them asked how I was doing. I said “Good.” I passed a man who had on a jacket with

 

some fraternity Greek letters on it, and he was with his son. They both were riding their bikes. I saw them by a tobacco shed. I did like riding my bike today. I passed a regular on the River Trail. He is an old man who walks with a stick, and he is in pretty good shape. I passed a man in nylon ugly gray pants. I passed an annoying-looking man who was kind of old.

Today is really a beautiful day.  I wore a sweatshirt and shorts.  Today is crisp and cool, and the air quality is really good. I hope that in the future I have some good friends, and I will never give up this hope. I have been thinking about Trinity College some lately.  I should not feel sorry for myself that I cannot  exercise vigorously. I should not do this, for I have a lot of gifts in my life. There are a lot of things that are going for me these days. Yesterday night I could not listen to the Rimsky-Korsakov CD. I guess that I just cracked.  Maybe I just need  to put less pressure on myself, and I probably will not listed to a CD tonight in order for me to have less pressure. I just want to do whatever possible to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow.

I read Aeschylus today. I read a play called The Suppliants, which is about how these fifty daughters of Danaus have fled to Argos away from these men in ships who are out to try to marry them and to take away their much-prized virginity. These daughters call on Artemis to help them, for she is a goddess of chastity. I myself prize Artemis as well, as I myself am a virgin. Artemis is to me a symbol that I revere though I am in no way a pagan man. I have always had a certain affinity to Artemis. Anyway, the play ends well as the suppliant women have allies in the men from Argos who will defend these women. The men who were after them tried to drag the suppliants away by the hair, but the men from Argos would not let them. The women in the end are told to find homes in Argos, and it will indeed be their second home.

In Prometheus Bound, I very much liked the imagery of Prometheus being tied to the top of a mountain. According to Aeschylus, Prometheus was a very powerful figure and was even more so than Zeus. Prometheus indeed says that Zeus will not remain at the top for long, and it seems as if Prometheus has remained powerful through the reign of Cronus and even other leaders. Cronus was Zeus’s father, and Zeus defeated Cronus to become a leader. I learned this not only from Aeschylus but from my mythology class at Trinity College which I took in the summer not too many years ago.

Prometheus was up there for giving men the art of the stars, numbers, divination, navigation and ship-building skills, and the written word. I guess that Zeus did not want mortal man, whose life is but a day as Aeschylus has someone say (I cannot remember who ), to have these things, mortal man). Now is the time to end my entry for today. I wrote about a half entry. I guess that for the rest of the day I will watch some television. I am glad that I did get out to ride my bike today even though I was not feeling too terrific. I did not feel bad though.

Well, I wish the reader well, and I hope that though I am not feeling too great, it

 

is only a temporary thing. I wish that all fall days could be as fine as this one is. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, October 21 2001

 

Today was a difficult day because I was not able to exercise today. Today is a really beautiful day, but I was not able to exercise. I barely got to write here today. I read a play today called Seven Against Thebes by Aeschylus. I went with Mamaw and my mom to a place where there were some houses for sale. There I met an attractive young woman named Ginger, who was pretty well spoken. I want to get a haircut on Tuesday this week. The big thing that happened today is that I went to these nice but small homes. Even though I got up so late yesterday, I still got over to Mamaw and Popee’s house, where I played Scrabble with Mamaw and some ping-pong with Popee. I played Scrabble for about an hour and ping-pong for probably about forty minutes.

Today I really miss going out for a bike ride. Yesterday for dinner I had chicken, corn, and stuffing. Today I went to this house, and there was a young woman who showed my mom, Mamaw, and I around. She was pretty nice.

There was another woman around who joined the group, and she was kind of annoying. She tried to dress up, but one could tell that she was phony. The house was in a group of houses, and the place was mainly bare with just a few of the homes on the site complete. There was an older couple looking through the houses. The attractive young woman who led my mom, Mamaw, and I around seemed to know a lot about the house, and she dressed pretty nice. When I initially went in, Mamaw introduced herself, and then my mom followed suit.

Then I shook the young woman’s hand and said, “Hi, I am Jon.” The woman had short blond hair and wore some kind of sandal shoes. Mamaw asked me on the way when the last time was that I was in her car.

Popee was at home with my dad. My mom called his cane a scepter, and I said that it was a symbol of power in Shakespeare. Popee laughed when I said this about Shakespeare. Popee had a lot of trouble going down the steps of the porch. Yesterday I played ping-pong with Popee, though, and he played quite well. I had a superb game of Scrabble with Mamaw yesterday, and I beat her.

For the game yesterday, it was the first time in a while that the entire board was filled with words and that the letters were all used up.

So I have seen Mamaw and Popee two days in a row. The image that stays with me today is of how attractive that young woman was, and she was pretty nice too. I like that she dressed conservatively. The other one with her was crazy and seemed totally dumb. She probably was not though, and Mamaw treated her nice enough. Last night I was influenced by the movie The Truman Show, part of which I watched last night. As I had not seen it before, thus I have only seen part and not the entire thing. I cannot even seem to make a joke tonight.

 

Mamaw always dresses nice, and for that matter so does Popee. When I saw Mamaw today when she first came, she said that here they were again. I really had a fun game of Scrabble yesterday. I said today in the car that I liked Mamaw and Popee’s house. Mamaw seems to think that they should not move either.

Well, yesterday I decided not to do much because of all of the activities that I did at Mamaw and Popee’s house. So yesterday I did not get to exercise or read, yet I copied this eighth journal file onto a disk. I have eight files of my journal, all of which are about one megabyte and four hundred kilobytes of information. At Mamaw and Popee’s yesterday, I also brought a screen to the basement, brought up a door from the basement, and brought down a big box of records to the basement. I was really quite tired when I finished all of my activities there, so I sat down and had a piece of lemon pie with my parents.

Well, now is the time to end my journal. I am pleasantly surprised that I was able to write in my journal tonight. I am really looking forward to exercising tomorrow, and I miss it terribly right now. I am about through with this entry, and after this, I will probably be through with academics for the day. I wish the reader well as always, and I extend my good wishes on his or her health. Well, I know that I met up with a young woman today at close quarters and that might have quickened my blood. Such is the fare of the ascetic young man. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Monday, October 22 2001

 

I just returned from a fabulous bike ride. Today is a cool day, but not cold. I wore shorts on my bike ride. I saw an old man, who said “Hi” to me two times, with a dog. Today I finished the Aeschylus book, and on the back it said that he wrote only seven plays. Well, if that is the case, then I have read four of the seven plays that he wrote. I saw tons of people on the River Trail today. I saw a woman who I think works at Trinity College, and she is kind of old though I do not mean this in a derogatory way. She was jogging. I saw that old man who was with his dog. The dog looked like Mrs. Simon’s dog, and it had a small American flag- type icon around its neck. There are two icons that one can see on the roads these days. One is, of course, the American flag, and the other is in the shape of a dress with red, white, and blue in it.

Today is really a lovely day. I am really glad that I went out on a bike ride today as I needed the exercise. I just saw two leaves fall from a tree. Some trees are still primarily green, while others are not. I am reading The Will to Power by Friedrich Nietzsche, and I just read a tiny bit today after I finished the Aeschylus book. I saw Susan Ross and Louise Moran on the River Trail today. There is so much that has happened over the weekend, yet one could say that so little has happened too. That was a philosophical statement. I read the play The Persians today in Aeschylus. I did not like this play as much as the other ones that I read in Aeschylus. I cannot wait to get my haircut tomorrow. I am really looking

 

forward to it, and I just hope that the barbers are not on vacation. I remember that I used to be friends with Matthew Barber. In elementary school I really was pretty good friends with him. I remember that he and I got our picture put in the local paper. So, tomorrow I get my hair chopped off. There is a lot there.

My obsessions these days are really annoying even though I did not mention them in recent entries. For example, I keep telling myself that this particular page cannot start with three lines and then start a new paragraph. That should really not matter, and I should not get all upset over it. Last night the dogs were barking when I was trying to get to sleep. I want to try to get back into the routine of listening to music at night. I should just add some oil to my chain and spray the bike off with some water from the hose. So, this weekend I saw Mamaw and Popee twice. Yesterday my blood ran quick when I saw an attractive young woman at the house though her shoes could have been nicer. I am not exactly handsome though.

Some people might think me handsome, and most would think that I am cute because of my read hair. The stereotype for red hair is that he is sensitive, cute, and weak. People probably think that I am quite naive. As my mom says, I have been through a lot. My journal contains some of the worst and unholy thoughts that I have ever had in my entire life. I mean that the things that I thought and did when I was in and out of the hospital were atrocious. If I had kept a journal for my entire life, the past five years would be the worst of my life, and the last year or so is more indicative of my life as a whole.

I have to point out that my recent journal is a fine example of my worth as a person. At least I am virtuous and dignified in the recent past. I have picked myself up and found a place for myself as the academicians say. The colors of this fall are definitely orange and green. Everything from pumpkins to trees are orange and green. I am surprised that the sky is not orange and green too.

Anyway, now I am off. Today really is a nice day. I hope that there will be a decent movie on this afternoon. I cringe at the thought of what is on television today. Well, I am glad that I wrote today. I wish the reader well. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, October 24 2001

 

I did not have an easy day today. In fact, it was quite chaotic. I could not understand Nietzsche’s The Will to Power. Then I took out Hawthorne’s short stories, which was even more difficult to understand. So I had to stop reading today. Now I am reading Journal of a Solitude by May Sarton, which is a book that I have already read. The book is kind of boring, but at least I can understand it. Today the only thing that I did right was my bike ride, which was fun. Today I passed Louise Moran and Susan Ross, who seem to walk every day. Last night I listened to an awful CD by Bela Bartok, which I am planning on bringing back to the bookstore. There is no use for it in my CD collection. So, I have given up on The Will to Power and Hawthorne’s short stories. I also will not read the other

 

Nietzsche book that I bought, which is On the Genealogy of Morals and Ecce Homo

together in one volume. So, I am somewhat disappointed.

After I finished The Song of Roland and the Aeschylus book, I was hoping that I would be able to read the other books that I got as well, but I guess that I cannot do so. This is what disappoints me very much. I also got a blow to my confidence, for I could not understand Nietzsche or Hawthorne. Yesterday afternoon I got a pleasant surprise, for there was a pretty good movie on called Bat-21, which was about war. My obsessions are still annoying. I was thinking about going to the bookstore today, but I decided against it. I have been getting up at an all-right time lately, so those two days -one right after the other -that I got up late were uncommon. I mean that they were a fluke. I am kind of down right now. I feel kind of depressed at my book situation. I had a nice bike ride today. I pass a playground for very small kids, and there were some kids out today. In fact, two of them said “Hi” to me.

This journal seems to be a bastion to me. I feel comfortable here, and not reading Nietzsche or Hawthorne. This journal is always something that I can turn to in trouble. I read May Sarton for about forty-three minutes, and I read Hawthorne and Nietzsche for about thirteen minutes. So, I am lacking in some reading today. I heard that my sister is going to Paris either with a friend or to see a friend. I guess that by now my sister is pretty smart. Yesterday I did indeed get a haircut although it was not really of a very good quality. Yesterday I also read Nietzsche for about an hour and rode my bike for about a half hour.

I like riding my bike more than walking. I wear my old Nikes on my bike ride because I do not want to get my new Nikes dirty from all the dirt on the cogs. By the way, yesterday I washed off my bike. I look like a new young man with this haircut. My face looks entirely different. I guess that I look somewhat better, but there was an allure to me when I had some kind of long hair. Last night the Bartok CD was terrible.

There are a lot of dry leaves on the ground. There is no chlorophyll in those leaves, for they are dry and brown though on the trees the leaves are a beautiful color. The leaves on the trees are different shades of yellow and orange. I have a good view of the trees from my window. I am truly in a book crisis though I guess that I am not in a journal crisis. I really do not want to read May Sarton, and I really do not know what in the world to read now. I have read a lot in my life, but now I just do not know what to read. I am glad that I got to write today. I hope that I will be able to keep writing in this journal in the future.

Now I have got to write the conclusion of this entry. I wish the reader well, and I will probably write tomorrow. Unfortunately, today things have been quite tough for me. I guess that for the rest of the day I will watch some television, and I hope that something decent will be on today and tonight. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, October 25 2001

 

Today has been crazy as well as yesterday. Yesterday night I had a horrible time trying to think about what to do for academics. I decided not to read May Sarton, for I do not even like her writing. So, today I thought about going to the bookstore, but I decided against it. I went to the Windsor Library, and I took out two books. I read Hirohito and the Making of Modern Japan for about an hour today. I also took out Future Perfect. The Japan book is by Herbert P. Bix, while the other is by Lori B. Andrews. I went for about a forty-minute bike ride today. Right now I absolutely do not know what in the world to do for academics. The book on Japan is good, but it has this annoying Windsor Public Library stamp on it. I just do not know what to do with myself. I do not know if I should keep reading the book on Japan or what. Maybe I should go to the bookstore soon, or write a novel or an autobiography. I even considered taking an Ativan so that I might be able to return to Trinity College. I need to write today to fortify myself. Things have been quite tough for me today. I went to the library for about eighteen minutes, but I did not like very much the person who checked me out. She is pretty old and irritating. Yesterday and today have been so chaotic. Last night I just kept thinking about what in the world I could do, and today I decided to get out some books at the Windsor Library. The books that I got seem genuinely interesting, but if only I could get rid of the obsessions about them. I am writing this before dinner.

Last night for dinner I had a really good hamburger. The book on Japan is quite large, and there is no way that I will finish it when it is due on November 15. Hirohito was an emperor in Japan. So far, the book is about him and about Japanese politics though politics is an American word. I have learned a lot about Japan so far, and the book is well written. I hope that I will be able to continue reading it. The other book is about genetics and ethics. This journal is such an oasis from the terribly draining thoughts that I have been having lately. I hope that I can continue reading the quite long book on Japan, and if not, I have no idea what in the world I will be able to do.

I am really glad that I have been able to write today. Also, my bike ride was really fun, and I rode down to the tobacco fields. There was a blue car, with a laughing young man in it, that passed me when I was going over the railroad tracks. I wonder if he was making fun of me or if he knew me from my past. I also went by the train station in town. I passed a man in a blue uniform, who might have been a carpenter or something. I really went fast down a hill on my way back from the train station. My bike was squeaking as I was riding, so I guess that I need to put some oil on the chain. I hope that I will be able to continue reading that Japan book, or I might have to go to the book store and buy a whole new set of books.

I still owe God a debt of gratitude for His grace. I hope that I will always look up to Him. I hope that He will be there for me and that He continues to be there for me. I do look up to Him very much. His grace is good. This journal has helped me very much today. If I did not write here today, I would be in tough

 

shape. After writing this, I will rest and then have some dinner. Last night the dinner was good, for I had a hamburger. I wonder what I will have for dinner tonight. Last night for television there was not much on as usual. I watched “Magnum, P.I.,” the news, “Law and Order,” and part of the movie Stepmom.

Today has been quite chaotic, and I only hope that tomorrow might be less so. I have no fun when I am plagued by obsessive thoughts. Well, so much for Nietzsche and Hawthorne. I made a mistake by buying those books at Borders.

Now is the time to conclude my half entry for today. This entry made some order out of chaos. I learned some about the power structure in Japan today. After I write this, like I said I will rest and then have some dinner. The day is really beautiful and the trees are really nice. Well, I am off now. I wish the reader well as always. I will probably write tomorrow. Bye bye.

 

Friday, October 26 2001

 

I just recently got back from a walk. Today is a lovely day with the sun blazing and the air clear. I am still reading the book on Japan. I read that book today for about an hour, and I do like the book. I felt kind of tired towards the end of my walk today. This medicine really ties one. I did not want to wear my Sport Hills today because I was afraid of looking effeminate. They are tights in a way, but they are meant for men and women to wear. There was a huge slew of birds in the yard today on their way down to Florida or where they go down there. That Japan book is huge; it has tons of pages in it. I saw some people on the River Trail today. I walked past a man who wore gray pants, the same pants and the same man whom I think that I saw a couple weeks ago on the trail. I passed a woman, who said “Hi” to me, with her black dog.

I saw Harriet Borriello on my jog back to the house. She was in a red sport utility vehicle, as they are called. I saw some ducks in the river, and they were nice and full of color. The guy with the gray pants was on the bridge and looking down into the marsh. I noticed the brand name on his pants, but I could not read it, as I passed by too quickly. I thought that they might be New Balance, but they were not of good quality so that was quickly ruled out.

I think that Japan is nearly an island, but I am not sure. I know so little about Japan, and I hope that this book will enlighten me on it. I think that China is much bigger than Japan. I went on about a half-hour walk today. The book on Japan is supposedly due on November 15, but I might keep it until I finish it just in case I cannot renew it though I know that this might sound paranoid. I will give those Nietzsche and Hawthorne books to my mom tonight and tell her that I do not want them. There were a lot of leaves on the River Trail today.

The schedule in school that Hirohito went to is crazy. They get up at around six o’clock in the morning and have school till nine-thirty at night. When they get out of school, they go to bed, yet there is time during school for playing in the yard and for physical education, which is not as demanding as classes I

 

would think. Hirohito was not very good at sports, but he was diligent and determined to try at them. His grandfather was emperor Meiji, and they rarely saw each other. His father was not a very healthy man, and he was faulty as an emperor.

I wonder how Hirohito turned out as an emperor. The ancient belief in Japan was that the emperor was ancestor of the gods. Modern Japan and a modern army seemed to have started in the late nineteenth century. Hirohito was taught what was thought to be proper for an emperor of that time. He was taught math and physics, and he liked the sciences very much. He was also taught about military strategy and naval warfare. I think that Japan was allied with America and England in World War I. I guess that Hirohito was pretty smart, and he had the finest teachers whom a boy could want in Japan. Some of his teachers came from the Tokyo Imperial University or something sounding like that.

He had about ten people in his school, and he would have some -but not much- time to play with them. Also, I do not think that he would eat with them unless he would sometimes on Saturday. The book on Japan is pretty interesting, and it tells one a lot about what it is like being an emperor. I know very little about the East, and it certainly tells me a lot about the East. Tonight I think that I will listen to some music. I might listen to Mozart’s Fifteenth and Seventeenth Piano Concertos played by Leonard Bernstein.

I have been listening to this CD some over the past couple of weeks, and I like it very much. I think that Mozart is my favorite composer, and Vivaldi is probably my second favorite. Well, now I have got to conclude this entry. I do not think that I will go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow though I want to go next week when my mom will be on vacation. I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house, but, due to the book crisis, this week has been so chaotic in general that I want to stay home tomorrow. I have got to go now. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, October 27 2001

 

Today was successful. I was able to read and ride my bike though my bike ride was tremendously difficult due to the tiring Zyprexa. On my bike ride I was very cold, and I should have worn my Loomis jacket over my sweatshirt. I feel happy to be inside now where it is warm, and I am even wearing shorts. This morning I was woken up by the dog barking at about 5:30 A.M. I do like the book on Japan. Today is much colder than usual; it is really quite cold outside. My parents are at Mamaw and Popee’s house right now. I did not go today because I had gone out twice already this week though I do want to see Mamaw and Popee this coming week. I had such a hard time riding my bike today. My legs felt like jello. They felt so weak, and I could barely get the pedals moving. I did not see anyone on the River Trail today.

 

I rode two loops and then did some on the River Trail. I cannot believe that I did not pass anyone on the River Trail. The book Hirohito and the Making of Modern Japan is going well. I like that book very much, and it tells about Japan, which I know very little about. I guess that it kind of took Korea in the early twentieth century, and I wonder if it still owns Korea. I have heard on the television talk of North Korea and South Korea, one of which is, as they say, a rogue nation. On my bike ride I got kind of a headache, which is like an ice- cream headache when things get too cold. With an ice-cream headache, one gets too cold from the ice cream. At least I think that this was the case with me when I was quite young.

The tree outside my window has lost many leaves, but there are still many mainly brown leaves on it. On television today there will probably be some football, which is kind of boring. On Saturday there is mostly college football, while on Sunday there is mainly professional football. Japan interests me very much. The current Japanese prime minister has wild, flowing hair, and his hairstyle seems very different from the Japanese norm. Anyway, Hirohito might have been pretty smart. I do not know if I would have liked to be an emperor. I think that there would be too much pressure on me and that nothing much would really get done.

I wonder how big Japan is. The Japanese thought that there was some sort of competition between the races, referring to the white and yellow races, as they called them. The Japanese considered the white and yellow races as the only two advanced races. The white race consisted of the Europeans and the Americans. I guess that the yellow consisted of China and Japan though the Japanese did not necessarily look with much favor on the Chinese. The Japanese had some hubris in insisting early on in the emperor’s relation to the gods (hey felt that the emperor was related far back to the gods).

I wonder if this opinion still holds true to a certain extent. The emperor must really get a case of narcissism. I probably would though maybe I would not. Like I did, Hirohito had many different academics teachers, and he was probably taught more stuff, like how to handle a country. The Japanese citizens used to think of themselves as the subjects of the emperor. Of course, this attitude is different in the United States. Hirohito was taught about his grandfather, the Emperor Meiji. I kind of like the name Hirohito though I like the name Meiji less. I guess that the Emperor Meiji was a successful emperor. Today is a beautiful day though it is cold. Today is the coldest it has been in a long time.

I wonder what will be on television today. Yesterday afternoon I saw part of a just all-right movie called Buried Secrets or something like that. In one scene the main character is put in a mental institution and put in restraints. This scene was kind of scary because it brought back some painful memories for me. Well, now is the time to conclude this entry. I am glad that I wrote today. That bike ride sure was cold. I wore my Sport Hill blue pants, and they looked pretty good. At least my legs were warm though my upper body was not. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

 

Sunday, October 28 2001

 

Today I awoke from sleep in the early morning by that dog. I read the book on Japan today for about fifty-three minutes, not reading for the full time because of an annoying obsession. I walked and jogged for a total of thirty-two minutes, and I plan on cleaning up my room some for about five minutes later. I think that my mom will be on vacation for this coming week. Today for exercise I wore my blue Trinity athletic pants and my maroon and black Loomis jacket, and I was a pretty comfortable temperature today. Tomorrow a psychiatrist appointment is planned.

I miss the Westfarms Mall. I miss Brooks Brothers and Abercrombie and Fitch. My mom asked me at lunch today whether I wanted to go to some outlet stores, and I said that I did not. I guess that she wanted to go sometime next week, when she was on vacation. Last night I listened to Handel’s Concerti Grossi Opus 3 No.’s 1-5, and I liked them very much. I especially liked the second concerto. I think that Handel was born in the seventeenth century, and he was part of the baroque movement though I do not like his Concerti Grossi Opus 6.

It is encouraging that I did not get too tired on my walk today. Of course, all I can do is walk. I passed what seemed to be a mother and a daughter along with a small dog. I passed a husband and wife, who looked to be pretty old. I passed a man riding quickly on his bike with his white husky running fast alongside him. I have been thinking a lot today about how I can return to Trinity College. This action seems like an overwhelming task for me, but I doubt that the Ativan would help any. Halloween is fast approaching, and there are specials on television.

I still like the book on Japan, which is quite interesting though it was boring in parts, when it took the focus off of Hirohito. Japan must be a very interesting place. The author of the book is getting kind of off kilter, for he begins taking his focus off of Hirohito which I find disappointing. The author says that Hirohito was intelligent and that his father had health problems. His father was a mere figurehead according to Herbert P. Bix, who is the author.

Today I do not think that I am going to listen to music. So, I have got a marathon of television watching ahead though I know that that sounds pitiful. The dog woke me up at around 5:40 A.M. this morning.

I feel kind of bad about not reading for a full hour today, but I read for about an hour. I do not know if I ever will finish Hirohito and the Making of Modern Japan, but I certainly hope that I will be able to stick with the book. When reading today, there were so many Japanese names that I could not help but get confused over who was who. There was talk of who was picked to be Hirohito’s bride, and there was talk of some opposition from some people, who did not want Hirohito to marry a colorblind bride. I wonder what it would be

 

like to live in Japan, and how it would be to live in Tokyo or to work for the Mitsubishi company.

I wonder if there are nice houses on average in Japan. I am getting ready now for my television marathon. In the afternoon I will probably watch some football if I cannot find a good movie on television to watch. I really liked listening to Handel last night. The night before I listened to Mozart’s Fifteenth and Seventeenth Piano Concertos. I really like those Mozart concertos, and Leonard Bernstein does a fine job playing them. I think that the recording for the Mozart concertos was made originally in the fifties of the twentieth century. Well, now is about time to conclude this half entry. I guess that I do not have to call my entries half entries any more because I am no longer writing about one hour entries. So, these about half-hour entries are now full entries. Well, now I am off to rest and then to go on my television marathon. I hope that I see Mamaw and Popee next week. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, October 30 2001

 

I just got home from a superb bike ride, and I wore just the right amount of clothes to keep me warm enough. I read the book on Japan some today, and I still like it very much. I wonder what it was like being the emperor. I saw tons of people on the River Trail, none of whom I knew. I saw a group of people who were either high-school kids or special-education kids. One of them dodged my bike, when he should have just stayed put. I passed a woman who was alone. I passed a young woman with a baby, who might or might not have been her baby. I have had some fine friends in my life, and I just hope that I will have some more.

Friends are extremely fun to have, and they are worth looking up to. Today is a beautiful day, and it is good for bicycling. I was able to ride my bike without a jacket. Right now my parents are likely in Vermont, and they left early this morning. There was not much on television yesterday. I have probably been watching too much television lately. I read the Japan book today for about an hour, and I rode my bike for about a half hour.

I finished off the Kellogg’s Mueslix this morning, and now all there is good to have for cereal is Quaker’s Life. I cannot help but remember a short story called “Life” I read by Bessie Head in the Trinity College summer class. I think that Bessie Head wrote about stories in Africa or around there, and I really did like that book. I miss Trinity College. Anyway, today I rode my bike down to the tobacco fields. I passed some construction workers. I do not know what they were doing, but many were just standing there. Working in construction is for one who thinks, for there is much time to contemplate. Yesterday I went to my psychiatrist appointment and read the Japan book for about an hour total. My obsessions today are worse than usual. I often think of watching television as akin to dreaming, for one just sits there and views images very near to those of

 

dreams. That is why it is important for one to get in touch with reality by reading and going outside to exercise in nature. I cannot imagine the state of one who watched television all the time, but it would be akin to someone with psychosis.

Modern-day civilization puts a premium on this psychosis in order to get people motivated to get out of their houses to buy cars and insurance. The advertisers make their cars or whatever look great by simulating a dream state in each individual that makes them want to go and buy whatever is on their screen. There are obviously a lot of leaves on the ground, and the River Trail was covered in leaves. I saw James Bozzuto yesterday, and among other things he asked what I was reading. I told him that I was reading Hirohito and the Making of Modern Japan.

Right now in the book the author is telling about the making of modern Japan. I think that Hirohito was a regent in the early 1920s, but I do not know exactly what that means, except that it might be that he was the next emperor or that he was a prince. James Bozzuto asked me how I do against my grandfather in ping-pong. I talked to James Bozzuto mainly about sports, such as football and basketball. I felt more comfortable doing this than talking about my book, exercise, or my family. James Bozzuto seems to be a pretty competent psychiatrist. I just looked up the word competent in the dictionary that I have to ensure that I spelled it right.

I read in the book on Japan that there was a man who shot at Hirohito.

Even though this man missed, he was executed. He might have been able to save his life had he said that he was sorry and wrong to have attempted this. Now is the time to complete this entry. My parents went on a short vacation today, and they said that they would be home by dinner. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, October 31 2001

 

As one might have guessed, I just recently got home from exercising.

Today I read the Japan book for about an hour. Also, today I exercised for about a half hour. The Japan book is good, but tomorrow I might read the book on genetics for a break. I might be getting too much about Japan, and I might need a break from it. Yesterday I watched a lot of television. It is comforting that I have been waking up at an all-right time lately. On my walk today, I saw a Loomis bus. I also saw a young woman who was looking around in delight at her natural surroundings. She said “Hello” to me, and I said “Hi.” There were really not many people on the River Trail today though. I passed a couple in their middle age. I did not go to Mamaw and Popee’s today, but I want to go sometime this week over there. My mom went to Mamaw and Popee’s not long ago. I do miss them.

Today is Halloween, and I am excited about it. I wonder if anyone will come over to the house here. I wonder if my parents have gotten candy yet. The worst snack to get on Halloween is a toothbrush. That is the worst think that one

 

can get. Apples are pretty bad too, but candy apples are a different story. I wonder what I would dress up as if I were to go out trick-or-treating, and I miss doing that. There will probably be some Halloween specials on television today. The girl whom I saw on the River Trail today was cute. She looked to be about my age, and I wonder how her life is. I think that she was wearing white shoes and a black overcoat. She looked pretty nice and pretty.

Her hairstyle looked funny, for I think that she had black curls. She was kind of funny-looking but still cute. I really want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s this week, and I feel that it is my duty to go over there sometime this week. There are many leaves on the ground in the yard now, and I wonder if the Loomis grounds crew will come over sometime and put them in bags.

Yesterday I watched far too much television, and it is too bad that there usually is nothing good on in the afternoon. I know that I would not like soap operas, which I have always had an aversion to. I have got to get over that prejudice, though, and maybe they would not be so bad though I suspect that they would be very boring even once this prejudice is over. My obsessions are still pretty bad and annoying.

I have my new blue Nike Air Maxes on right now, and I wore them on my walk and jog. I must have looked pretty fashionable on my walk today. The river was kind of dry today, as there was a lot of mud where the water should have been. When I ride my bike I wear my old Nike Air Maxes, for these are already worn. I do not wear my new shoes because I am afraid of getting that grease, oil, and dirt on them from the Giant Upland. The Giant is my bike. My bike was not that expensive to buy, and it has lasted me quite a long time. If I do get a new bike in the near future, it will undoubtedly be a Giant.

I am glad that I went on a walk and jog today, and it seemed that I had more energy than usual today. Now I have got to complete this entry. I am glad that I got to read the book on Japan today. I am looking forward to starting Future Perfect, which is the book on genetics, tomorrow. If I do not like Future Perfect, then I will probably stick with the book on Hirohito. Today is a beautiful day. I wonder what will be on television today. Anyway, today is a superb day, and I am glad that I was able to take advantage of it. I have got to go now. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, November 1 2001

 

Well, Halloween was yesterday, and, since no people came by the house, I did not get to see any costumes. Although I really wanted to see Mamaw and Popee, but my mom did not want to go, so I was not able to see my grandparents today. Today I read Future Perfect for about an hour, and I rode my bike for about a half hour. The book on genetics was kind of boring. Still, it was pretty good though the Japan book is better. I am glad that I got a second book at the library, for otherwise I would have had enough of Japan and had no other book to turn to.

 

Today is unusually warm, and I wore shorts on my bike ride. My parents, after all, had to go to Mamaw and Popee’s because Popee fell down. I wanted to go today, though, and I asked my mom if I could go. It is disturbing that she said that she did not want to go, for it shows that I really wanted to go and that she would not let me. There seemed to be a lot of people on the River Trail today.

Near the tobacco fields, I saw two young women, one of whom was wearing a short-sleeved T-shirt that had Georgetown on it in blue or black letters. There were some men working on a roof of some ugly building, which was painted pink, contributing to making it ugly. It seems that I have written pretty well this week.

I have been consistent, and I hope that I can continue this trend. By the way, I just saw a blue jay alight on the roof and fly off. If it were just a robin, then I might not have mentioned it, showing that I am kind of elite when it comes to birds. Last night I listened to four Mozart horn concertos, which might have been the only ones that he wrote. I do not think that he composed too much for the horn, for he was a master of the violin and the piano.

I doubt that Mozart played the trumpet, and back then I do not even think that there was a modern trumpet. That would be highly surprising and funny if there was. Yesterday afternoon was a dismal time after I wrote, for there was nothing near good on television. I ended up watching much of The Bride of Chucky, which was a terrifying horror film because it was so terrible and because it revealed an evil side of humanity. I think that I will go to the library sometime and renew the two books that I took out. I will try to renew them before November 15, when I am supposed to return them by. I wish that some station would put on quality shows in the afternoon for people like me.

I do kind of wish that there were something else to do in the afternoon. By the way, the Mozart horn concertos were pretty decent, but I liked his two piano concertos on the Leonard Bernstein CD better. Right now I am wearing my old Nike Air Maxes, which I wore on my bike ride. I do not want to wear out my new Nike Air Maxes on my bike, which is still in good shape. Today I did not even notice it squeaking. I saw a man riding a bike today, and he appeared to have white hair. Old age does not seem to stop people from riding their bikes. Also, I saw what appeared to be a kind of obese woman riding her bike, and this shows that weight also might not be an impediment.

I have been out of school for about two years, which seems to be quite a long time. My parents just got home from Mamaw and Popee’s house. Right now it does not look like I will return to Trinity College though I really want to do so, and I wish that something would change that would allow me to return there. I miss that place, and I wish that someone would find a cure for schizophrenia.

I wonder how Mamaw and Popee were doing today. I know that Popee fell, so I guess that he was not doing too well. I am hoping that there will be some cure for schizophrenia, which would allow me to return to Trinity College. I feel

 

that if I were on some good medicine, I could make a contribution there. If the case were that I was at all able to return there, I would certainly do it. If I were healthy and off of this medicine or if I were on a medicine that tired me less, I would go to college. Now I have got to conclude this entry. I wish the reader well, and I really do hope that he or she is healthy. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Friday, November 2 2001

 

I just got home from a terrible case of exercising. I went out on my bike, but there was a police car on the entrance to the trail. The car was blocking the River Trail, and I guess that the police woman was putting a bike into the car’s trunk. Maybe this was a bike that no one claimed. Well, therefore, I could not go on the River Trail today. I rode in circles waiting for her to leave, but she was just there in the car and would not leave. So I had to ride back to the house. I then decided to jog for about fifteen minutes past the train station. So, in all I did around twenty-six minutes out there. Now I am kind of annoyed at all of this chaos today. I think that I read for about an hour today, but it is possible that I got the time wrong and read for only about fifty minutes. I did not do a full half hour of exercising because of all the commotion and stuff. I just was too annoyed to do a full half hour. I was mad at that police woman. I hate to sound like against the law, but the police woman should have parked somewhere else.

I read some of Future Perfect today, and it is mostly a bunch of bull. There is little science in it, and the postulates are really extraneous. The author does not get anything done with what she says, and the book is way too abstract. A science book needs to be concrete. Some parts about the diseases are interesting, but they are depressing too. Talk about cystic fibrosis and Huntington’s disease is very depressing. Today in the morning I felt extremely overwhelmed with stress. I thought of ways that I could maybe take a day off and relax, but nothing relaxing popped into my mind. So I decided to treat this day like any other day and do what I could. So, today I have handled myself well, but I hope that I do not crack.

The incident with the police woman really annoyed me because I had   been looking forward to a nice bike ride. Last night I listened to Handel’s Concerti Grossi Opus 3 No.’s 1-5, and I liked No.’s 1 and 2 the most. Today I did not go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I do not think that I will listen to music tonight. I guess that today and tonight I will just relax and watch television, and the key word for me today is relaxation. I hold a grudge against Windsor cops now, for one of their own spoiled my exercising today.

Halloween is over now. Last night I kind of was tempted to eat some chocolate and gave into this urge, for I ate two Kit Kats. I usually do not eat much chocolate because of the high fat content. Since I am on this Zyprexa, I have to watch what I eat because I do not want to get fat. Before I got schizophrenia I was a size twenty-nine waist, and, ever since I was first hospitalized, my weight

 

and thus my waist size has steadily increased. Now I would say that I take about a size thirty-five, and I need some new pants. I guess that I could have my mom order some new pants from the J. Crew catalog. I saw a notice on the kitchen table that my parents are missing something from my sister’s Wheaton College financial-aid package.

They failed to get that done, but they will probably get it done to make sure that my sister stays in Wheaton College. The genetics book that I read today was not terrible, but I failed to find any meaning in it. The author is a woman by the name of Lori B. Andrews, and there is a picture of her in the back jacket of the book. I seem to lack the courage to read a superb book these days though the Japan book is interesting, and I respect the author. The Japan book is so large though that to finish it is a feat. All through the day today I have heard the sounds of those construction vehicles, but the loud noises do not bother me as much now as they used to say several months ago.

Today is a beautiful day though the sun is not out. Last night there seemed to be a full moon, and there also seemed to be a full moon on Halloween. I feel kind of bad that I did not do anything for Halloween. That time used to be full of so much fun things for me. Now, however, I have to sit at home and watch television. I miss Mamaw and Popee very much. The last thing that I want to do is have them think that I am ignoring them. I miss them, and I want to see them. I wish that my obsessions did not prevent me from seeing them when I would like. Well, now I have to go. I hope that the reader is in good health, and I wish the reader well. I hope that the reader is doing well. Tonight I guess that I will watch television. I am glad that I have written today, and I hope that I will be able to write consistently in my journal for a long time. Well, I am off. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, November 4 2001

 

I just recently got home from a bike ride. Today when I got up, I felt tired, and I swooned in bed for a long time. My body kept telling myself to lie down, but I had the resolve to not fall back down in bed. So, I am writing this entry later than usual. Today I read the Japan book for about an hour. I have to say that the big thing that happened to me today was meeting Alice and Frank Merrill on the River Trail. I saw them. I passed them, and Alice said that they had not seen me in a long time. I think that I said something like, “I know.” I posed a totally unexpected question to come out of my mouth, asking how Chris, an old friend of mine, was.

I did not talk to them long though as I passed them on my bike. I did not even stop my bike even though I did slow down. The book on Japan is better in some parts than in others. Today is a beautiful day. Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I played two games of ping-pong with Popee, and he won one of them. In that particular game many of his shots went in and were impossible for me to get. When I told Mamaw that he won one, she asked me if I let him

 

win. I replied that I did not. I watched a lot of television yesterday, and over at Mamaw and Popee’s house while my dad was at the bookstore and my mom and Mamaw were at the grocery store I watched some episodes of “The Dick Van Dyke” show with Popee. This show was on the channel TV Land.

So, today I saw Alice and Frank, who were walking on the River Trail. I did not really get a good look at them since I passed them so quickly. There were a lot of people on the River Trail today. I passed a family. I passed an old man, who said “Hi,” with Eastlands and a camera. I think that his camera was in a brown leather case, which consequently must have matched his brown Eastlands. I am sure of the Eastlands, but less sure of his having the leather case for the camera. Yesterday was a fine day, and I did no academics. I was out yesterday for about three hours and twenty minutes, and I am glad that I got to see Mamaw and Popee then.

Today I got back into the Japan book. I read about the big celebration that celebrated Hirohito’s taking the throne, and many people in Japan celebrated this for about a year. The celebration was talked about in the newspapers, and everyone from schoolchildren to adults celebrated it. Hirohito must have been one of the most spoiled men at the time. Yesterday I asked Mamaw if they had anyone come over for Halloween, and she said that one group came along.

My parents and Mamaw talked about how I talked when I was very young and about how my first word was statue, and they told me how I used to ask how deep things were. Yesterday at Mamaw and Popee’s I had a piece of chocolate cake. I think that I heard Mamaw say that Sarah and Todd were in Tampa, Florida. I guess that they moved there recently. When I left, I mentioned to Mamaw that I had a good time playing Scrabble the last time that I was over, and she said that she was so glad. I told Popee when I left that I was glad that I got to play ping- pong, and he agreed with a “Yes.”

When Mamaw and my parents were mentioning the questions that I used to ask, like how deep things were, Popee was laughing in good humor. Today I am wearing my old Nike Airs, my khaki Woolrich pants, and my MacCluer shirt. Today is a spectacular day. The leaves still are not totally off of the trees now.

Well, now I have got to make a quick conclusion to this entry. I almost said “to this journal,” but I would not want that. I wish the reader well. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, November 6 2001

 

I just recently got home from a bike ride, and I had a good one. There were a lot of people on the River Trail. I rode down to the River Trail and to the tobacco fields. I got warm pretty quickly on my ride today. I wore a jacket over a sweatshirt, which was over a T-shirt. I wore my black pants from Sport Hill, which matched my maroon and black jacket. Yesterday I read for a total of about an hour, reading fifty-two minutes before going to the psychiatrist and eight minutes after I returned home. Today I read Future Perfect for about fifty-five

 

minutes. There is little science in it, thus it is not interesting. The book makes schizophrenia out to be a terrible thing and makes people with schizophrenia out to be less than human, and I do not like this. So, tomorrow I will return to the Japan book. There are a bunch of birds around the house, and they are chirping. I owe a lot to God, and He has helped me to get rid of my obsessions when I put my mind to it.

I look up to God very much. I hope that I never forget Him, and His grace helps me very much. I hope that I will always look up to Him. I know that He protects me. I do like the Japan book, and I am kind of interested in World War

II. I think that the United States was wrong to use the atom bomb on the civilian Japanese people. The United States killed many people at Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I just hope that no terrorists use a nuclear weapon against the United States.

I really am afraid of nuclear weapons, and I wish that they never were invented since they can only wreck havoc on this earth. Gaia does not need nuclear weapons; the world does not need a nuclear winter. The birds have left my yard. They looked so funny playing in the leaves and tossing the leaves to the wind. I wonder what they were doing. Maybe they were looking for food. By Gaia I mean the mother spirit of the earth. I think that I learned that word in one of those simulation games, like SimEarth and SimCity, that were so popular on the Macintosh in the last decade. I used to play SimCity in the computer at Loomis a lot.

I really did not like that book Future Perfect that I read today. I just found that it lacked truth and was offensive to me with schizophrenia. The author says that some people feel guilty when they get a result of a test that shows that they do not have some disease like Huntington’s. I do not see how people would feel guilty, and I would not feel guilty. I would feel relieved. The author also showed an article where a woman felt bad because her brother and sister had schizophrenia. She felt ashamed of them and did not want to turn out like them. She said that her boyfriend pushed her away because her brother and sister had schizophrenia.

The boyfriend said that he was afraid of schizophrenia, and this attitude is a result of him not being educated about anything. I just did not like the book. I have schizophrenia, and I have the capability of being an outstanding citizen. I have the disease, and I am a fine person. The book does not talk about science much, but just brings up these random studies on people that have no value.

Anyway, I am looking forward to returning to the Japan book. I have to say that today is a beautiful day, for the sun is out and the trees look beautiful in the light. Yesterday I had to go to the appointment. Anyway, I feel much better after an almost traumatic day yesterday because now I got to ride my bike and see wonderful nature. I wonder when the first snowfall will be. I cannot believe that it is November, and soon December will come along. Now I have got to finish this entry, which went well although I had a slow start there. After I finish this

 

entry, I will be through with reading and writing for the day. Today there are some fierce, really cold winds outside. Now I am off. I wish the reader fine tidings. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, November 7 2001

 

I just got home from a really fun bike ride. In the mornings these days I am exhausted, and I swoon in bed. I did not start reading today until after noon. Yet I did get to read today, and I read the book on Japan some. I do like that book very much, and it is much better than Future Perfect. Today really is a beautiful day. I saw a lot of people on the River Trail today, and there are usually a lot of kids on the trail with their parents. I guess that parents think that it is good to bring their kids out on a beautiful day like this.

The book on Japan is really interesting. I am at the point in the history of the Japanese people where the Japanese army has invaded Manchuria, which I guess borders China and the former Soviet Union, according to a map that I saw in the book. Last night I listened to Mozart’s Fifteenth and Seventeenth Piano Concertos. I did not get to sleep right away last night because it was so cold in my room. There was little heat in the room, and I was really cold this morning too. Today, as I can see, is a lovely day. The sun is shining, and it is unseasonably warm out. Yet it seems colder inside than outside.

I really do like Mozart’s music very much, and I wonder how he was as a person. I pumped up my bike tires today. They were in need of being pumped up. Today is a Wednesday, so the students from Loomis Chaffee get out early. I saw some students by the bridge and on a return from the grocery store. I am just guessing that they were Loomis students though, and I gathered this from their appearances. I am glad that I went on the bike ride today even though I had to wear my old Nikes. I have come to like Nikes though I have not really shopped around much for shoes, and I like Adidas shoes too. I have grown up with Adidas shoes and sandals.

I used to like Asics at Loomis too, but they have appeared to all but have gone out of business. I felt pretty well on my bike ride as far as my energy was concerned, and I went down one hill faster than I have gone down it in recent memory. I did not get to say “Hello” to anyone today though, except for saying “Hello” to my dad when he was taking out the garbage and when I was in the garage, having pumped up my tires and being ready to go. There is not much happening in the news, except for this war on Afghanistan. I do not think that the Americans have killed or captured who they want to.

The war coverage is so depressing. I do not want to hear about war and biological terrorism every day. On television are images of the bombing campaign. I kind of would like to see the war end, for it seems as if money could be better spent than on the war. I mean that money could be spent to improve the ghetto; it could be spent on improving education. I feel bad for the kids, who

 

need a better education, in impoverished areas. Anyway, today is a Wednesday, and even now after I have graduated for six years, it seems like it was just yesterday. I graduated on June 2, 1995. I am glad that I graduated from high school though I kind of wish that now I were in college, and any college would do as long as I would have the freedom that this country stands for. I cannot reap the benefits of freedom right now because I am trapped here at home with this disease.

Yet in a way I do reap the benefits of freedom, for I am free to read and to take books out of the Windsor Library. I can ride my bike on a nice trail and down to the tobacco fields, like I did today. I can sit in my room and write on a fine computer. My mom is at work right now. I am really glad that I was able to write today, and every day it is a struggle just to keep up with my academics. I find it extremely difficult to read to start off the day. Once I begin reading, I have no problem, but it is beginning that is the very hard part.

Now I am almost through with this entry. Today really is a great day for doing things. Today is wonderful as far as the weather is concerned. I wish the reader well, whether he be a doughty knight or a fair maiden. So, before I become too long-winded, I bid the fair reader a farewell. I should add that the reader should always try to do right. I am off now, but I will probably write tomorrow. I wish the reader well. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, November 8 2001

 

I just recently got home from exercising on the River Trail. The day is not warm, but it is not too cold either. At least it did not seem cold in three layers of clothes on my chest. Today I swooned in bed longer than usual. I even ate lunch before somehow I was able to read the Japan book on Hirohito, and I was able to read that for about an hour. For lunch I had a turkey and cheese sandwich. I cannot believe how long I was in bed today just trying to get myself to read. My obsessions are annoying. Anyway, I kept trying to get myself to read, and this paid off in the end. I was able to read the Japan book. Apparently, Hirohito was not as good of an emperor as I thought, at least according to Herbert P. Bix. I am really surprised that I did not do something foolish today, like drive to the drug store to get a binder or something.

Last night I tried listening to Handel’s Concerti Grossi No.’s 1-5, but the CD player on my computer kept skipping on the Fourth Concerto. I think that the CD is damaged, so I am 0-3 on those bargain Naxos CDs. I am probably not going to buy those again. I need some pants pretty bad, and I only have on hand about four pairs to wear. I have an ugly green Docker’s pair and a nice blue Calvin Klein pair. I have two khaki pairs, one from Banana Republic and the other from Woolrich, that I think that I got at Bazilians. I just need new pants, and I will probably ask for some today from the J. Crew catalog. I cannot make

 

do with only four pairs of pants. There were not many people on the River Trail today, but I passed a wild-looking old man with old sneakers on.

I saw a Loomis Chaffee boy running, and he had on maroon shorts and a white T-shirt. I cannot believe that he wore those light clothes on such a cool day. I remember a quote from a kid in my class at Loomis in the annual book that essentially said that each person can do his own thing, but my obsessions prevented me from giving the exact quote. I hope that I get the right size of pants. My blue pants are a size thirty-three, and they really are tight around the waist. Someone came over to the house today though I do not know who. The Japan book is a fine book, and it gives a lot of information about Hirohito. I looked through the picture section in the book for a small part of my reading time today, and I saw many pictures of Hirohito when he looked both old and young.

My obsessions are pretty annoying while I am writing this entry. I feel glad that I was even able to write today, for this day started off quite ominously. Today I am also glad that I was able to read and to walk. I feel lucky to get through today in one piece, and I cannot believe that I made it through so far. I was in the doldrums earlier, and now I find myself out of the doldrums. The River Trail really looks nice these days. People like to be in nature. The River Trail provides an escape for me. I remember how in the yearbook a while ago a young woman termed her boyfriend an “oasis.” Well, to me the River Trail is an oasis from modern urban sprawl. I absolutely deplore the modern landscape with fast-food places and boring office buildings.

As The Great Gatsby points out, urban sprawl ruins the lives of many people. At least at Loomis I think that I did a paper with that thesis on The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Anyway, I managed to find my way to this computer today, and I hope that I will be able to see Mamaw and Popee this Saturday. So, now I have got to end this entry. Today is a lovely day, and the sun is out now. There are many leaves on the perimeter of the yard. After I write this, I will probably rest and then watch television for the rest of the day. I do not think that I will listen to music tonight, for I have listened to music Tuesday and then partly yesterday. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, November 10 2001

 

Today was really crazy. I started off today not able to read or to exercise. This feeling, as I look back on it now, was awful. Yesterday I did no academics, but I exercised for about thirty-five minutes. Yesterday was quite difficult, for I was not able to read or write. Today was difficult too though somehow I was able to read for about an hour today. I am really surprised at this, and this turned around my entire day. I was able to walk and jog today for a total of about

twenty-eight minutes. I saw a lot of people on the River Trail today. I should talk about how I have been feeling lately. Yesterday I felt awful, and earlier today I

 

felt awful too. Yesterday I just did not know what to do with myself when I could not read. Therefore, I went to Arthur’s Drug Store, and I bought a binder. I also went to the Windsor Public Library and looked very briefly at the videos, as that place scares me. I just did not feel like sticking around at the library, as that place has nothing going for it. Well, I must admit that I did get that Japan book there though I doubt that it is very good for videos.

I also was able to exercise yesterday afternoon, and I was happy with my energy level while exercising. The medicine had worn off in the late afternoon, when I went on my jog, yet on the whole yesterday I felt really bad. I wondered if there was even something physically wrong with me. I felt very tired, and early in the day, I just could not get myself out to jog. I felt the same way today, but when, I looked at the prospect of what else I could do, I was able to buckle down and read. If I had not read, I would be in a bad way right now. I would have had nothing to do, and I do not know what I would have ended up doing. Maybe I would have become a felon or something. I feel much better now than I did earlier today, and I am full of hope for the future. I hope that next week will be all right and that for yesterday and part of today I just hit a kink in the road.

Yesterday I watched far too much television. On Wednesday I want to bring back and renew the Japan book and the genetics book. I certainly have hit an obstacle these past two days, and only time will tell if I will be able to overcome it. Today on my jog I wore my blue Trinity College pants, my white Lands’ End sweatshirt, and my new Nike Air Maxes. My obsessions lately have been pretty bad. For example, just now an obsession told me not to put the Trinity College pants in here.

My obsessions have been worse than usual lately. I have had to perform these obsessions to relax my mind though the obsessions are not too bad. I still do like the Japan book. The Japanese were compared to fascist Italy and Nazi Germany though they were not said to be much like them. The Japanese were very race conscious, and they were proud and perhaps even arrogant about their race. They were afraid that the Western powers were trying to rule the world, and, as food to back up their claims of supremacy, they said that the emperor was descended from the gods. Now I have got to go. I am glad that I wrote today, and I wish the reader well. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Monday, November 12 2001

 

Yesterday I had a really tough day, as well as today. Yesterday I was not able to do any reading. Today was chaotic, but it is good that I am here writing. Although today I went to the library earlier, I had a lot of trouble reading, so I just glanced through some magazines. Then I went to the library after dinner and then came back home. I then went again, and I was out for about an hour and read some in a few magazines. I am really surprised that I am writing here

 

tonight. This is totally unexpected. I went on a walk for about fifty minutes today. I did not even change into my exercise clothes for the walk, but wore my usual day clothes.

The Windsor Library is kind of shabby, but it is organized enough. I did not go to my psychiatrist appointment today. I just did not feel like going, and right now my life at this point is pretty chaotic. I have not been able to read the Japan book for the past couple of days. Things have really been tough lately.

In the magazine Popular Science was an interesting list of the new things that are out. The list is like of the new technologies. There are a lot of interesting technologies out there. On my walk today I went through a neighborhood, and then I walked to the River Trail and did a loop there. Today was a nice day, and I wore my blue Banana Republic jacket on my walk. My energy level was pretty good today. My mom asked me if I wanted to go to the mall, but I decided not to. Instead, I went to the library, and there I looked through some interesting magazines. There were some people in the library though there was not a whole lot of people there.

In the magazine New York there was an article about the opera, which talked of the composers Verdi and Wagner and of the New York people that performed the characters in some of the operas. Right now I am wearing a kind of dull but nice button-down shirt that has the brand name Stackpole on it and that I bought in Hartford center at the nice store there. Right now it is pitch black outside.

I am writing this later than I have written in a very long time. I have more energy than usual as I write this now, for the medicine has worn off some. Yet soon I am going to take the Zyprexa, and I will probably feel tired as usual. If I cannot read the Japan book, maybe I will just hang out at the library a lot. I just hope that I will be able to keep writing here. I think that yesterday I went for a couple of walks. The first was for about twenty minutes, while the second was about thirty-three minutes.

On my way home from the library, I was kind of frightened because it was so dark out. When I was outside my house, I was kind of afraid that someone could be out there. I am just not used to being out at night though I was not afraid by the library. There are lights by the library. I sat near a young woman who seemed to be a college student, and she had a laptop computer. She also had a big binder next to her.

On my walk today, I was passed by an old man, who said “Hello” to me. I said “Hello” also. There was a lady behind me on the River Trail, but she stopped at the picnic table behind me to sit down. I feel encouraged by my walk today, for I was able to do this even though I had trouble sticking to the Japan book. I called the psychiatrist today to say that I had not been feeling well. I miss Mamaw and Popee very much, and I did not seem them last weekend. This makes me feel sad.

 

I really do miss Mamaw and Popee. Actually, I have not watched too much television today. Still, I probably have done too much sitting around and trying to find something to do. Tonight I think that I will watch some television. I am writing really late for me. I am really surprised that I am here writing, and I must not take it for granted. Today there was an airplane crash, and terrorism may be the cause. Now I have got to end this about half-hour entry. I am really glad that I got to write this here, and maybe writing this marks a sign that things are improving. Well, I certainly do wish the reader well. After this, I am probably going to rest and then watch some television. I will try to write tomorrow. I am off now. I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, November 13 2001

 

Today was another chaotic day. I did a lot today, but it has been quite chaotic. I went on a long walk this morning, and I was out again walking in the afternoon. Then I read the Japan book for about fifty-three minutes. I hope that I am not slowly going insane. I might very well be going crazy. I might very well be going insane though I sure hope that I am not. My schedule has been quite different today from what it has been in the past. I have not watched as much television today as usual. I just hope that I am not going crazy. At least I did not go to the Windsor Library today. On my walk I just wore regular clothes, not my running gear. There were some people on the River Trail today, and in all I did three loops today. I saw a couple kids dressed nicely, and I am guessing that they are Loomis people though maybe they are Windsor High kids.

They were either students or teachers, but they were probably students since they seemed rather young. I wore my green J. Crew jacket, which has a zipper that is broken. My blue Banana Republic jacket also has a zipper that is broken. The Banana Republic jacket’s zipper is in better shape than the J. Crew zipper. I also have an Abercrombie and Fitch jacket and a Tommy Hilfiger vest. I must sound pretty spoiled. I am not spoiled, though, for this medicine keeps me in my place. I am glad that I got to read some of the Japan book today. I needed to read something uplifting, and that was exciting in some ways. Last night I did not sleep too well, and I felt tired when I woke up in the night. Usually, when I wake up in the night, I feel relaxed.

I miss Mamaw and Popee, and maybe I can see them soon. I read about seventeen pages of the Japan book today, and I usually read about twenty-two pages in an hour. I am on page 299, and I think that the book started on page nineteen. I remember that when I was reading Dracula, Mamaw told me to read something uplifting. I guess that she thought that Dracula was too macabre.

Now I am reading all about politics and war in Japan, and Mamaw would likely say the same thing about this book. I think that when she said that about Dracula, that was when I called my grandparents to talk to them. I called them

 

because I had not seen them for a while, and I have not seen them for a while now too.

It was a good sign that I did not go to the Windsor Library today. It turns out that my white J. Crew new pants might be pleated in the wrong place, and I am kind of mad about this. I might not be able to wear them, and they cost

$39.50. My mom bought them for me at J. Crew at the mall in Farmington. I wore these pants for most of the day, but now I am wearing some Hilfiger khaki shorts. Anyway, the Japan book is pretty good. The book talks about how there was a coup in Japan. The book talks about the different viewpoints of different groups towards the emperor. For example, there was the organ theory put forth by one man, and there was the military part enacted to ensure the power of the military.

Hirohito, of course, wanted his own power. He took a middle road between the organ theory and the theory of absolute power of the emperor. The cabinets in Japan kept changing like constantly. New people came into power very quickly as the old positions were resigned, so there was a constant changing of the guard. Some names that had withstood the test of time in Japan were Nara and Makino. There were so many new people serving in the army and the navy and in political positions that it is hard to keep track of them all. Some of these Japanese people kept diaries, which are quoted in the book. Right now it is pitch black out. I hope that I am not getting psychotic. I hope that I will be able to sleep all right tonight. My days are quite chaotic of late. My parents seem to care for me, as they ask how I am doing often. I took my Zyprexa recently, and it is probably kicking in about now.

I was kind of confused today in the Japan book about these people of the imperial way faction and what their political objectives were. I was not sure of their stance toward the emperor, whether they were of the organ theory or of the theory of absolute power. So, I did not see the psychiatrist yesterday. My mom asked me if he called today, and I said that he did not, as he did not. I hope that I will be able to continue reading the Japan book. I cannot believe that I walked for a total of about one and a half hours today. For dinner tonight I had a cheeseburger and home fries. There was not much on television today really.

Now I have got to conclude my entry. I wish the reader well. I am off. I will try to write tomorrow. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, November 14 2001

 

Today I did a lot more than usual. I really did a lot today by not sticking to my usual schedule. I was able to go to the library to take out my two books again, to ride my bike for about an hour, and to read the Japan book for about an hour. I still hope that I am not going psychotic. I wonder if I am doing too much or putting too much stress on myself. I fear that I might be putting too much pressure on myself, and I hope that this is not the case. My obsessions are still

 

quite annoying. I really had to overcome feelings of fright on my bike ride. I was feeling kind of scared at being away from home, but it helped that I knew the route so well.

I went down to the tobacco fields, and then I went up towards the grocery store and the video place. I passed the Oliver Ellsworth School, and I turned around before the entrance to the highway. Today at the Windsor Library, I read about people in Bali with obsessive-compulsive disorder. I read some articles in Psychology Today about that. The magazine is not a very good one, though, for it does not address the needs of people with mental illnesses. There was a study done of people in Bali who had the illness, but there were only ten psychologists in all of Bali, according to the article, so people did not get treated. Anyway, the magazine said nothing about schizophrenia.

I read part of an article in Scientific American about how some scientists think that the species on this planet are going to become extinct if man continues to ruin environments. There are so many species that have not even been named yet. I think that there are millions of insect species, maybe many millions. The least amount of species belongs to the amphibians, and I think that the mammals are the second least amount. There was a diagram with words to describe what was said there, but this article did not interest me too much. I also read an article about the therapeutic benefits of writing in a diary, which I guess improves memory and mental health, like the article said.

Today I also was reading about Hirohito, and I am reading now about the conflict with China. I am not sure if they have had an all-out war yet, but I am close to finding out. So far I think that there was a skirmish in some place in China, and I think that it will precipitate into an all-out war, as I might have read that it had. I just do not remember right now. I do not think that Hirohito wanted to move troops from the Soviet Union border though I am not sure of this. Anyway, there is a skirmish in China. Also, the Japanese have unfortunately become, according to Herbert P. Bix, like fascist Italy and Nazi Germany. I doubt that all were like this, but some were. Likely, many people in the government held these beliefs that the Japanese were in every way superior not only to their neighbors in Asia but also to the Western countries, especially to the United States and Great Britain. My obsessions tonight are especially annoying, as they always are, I guess.

I did not get any more books, and I did not get any CDs at the Windsor Library today. I am writing this at night. Now is about time to finish this journal entry. I have still been writing for about a half hour these days. I hope that I will be able to sleep all right tonight. I wish the reader well, and I hope that he or she does not mind me writing at night though I do not know why the reader should mind. Only time will tell whether I will be able to continue writing in this journal. I have got to go now, but I hope that I will write tomorrow and that the reader continues reading here. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Friday, November 16 2001

 

Today has been a day when I got myself together. I had a good day today though the day was extremely challenging. Today is really beautiful as the colorful trees look nice, and the sun is out. I just recently got home from a bike ride to the tobacco fields. Today I read the Japan book, and I am discouraged by the fact that the Japanese did so many atrocities against the Chinese people in Shanghai and Nanking. I was surprised that the Japanese could be so violent. In the twentieth century, there was a full war of China against the Japanese. I did not know this before.

The Japanese were growing more and more confident when they were winning the war against the Chinese, and they even were hostile to some of Great Britain and America’s warships. This caused the Americans to become upset with them. There is a lot that I did not know about the Japanese. I must say here that God has allowed me not to suffer too much when I was having those chaotic days, and His grace is apparent through these days. I owe Him a lot. Today He has helped me to be here and to write. I hope that He continues helping me out, and I hope that He approves of me all right. I hope that things continue to go well for me, and that He looks down on me as a fine person.

I had a good bike ride today, and I rode for about a half hour. I rode to the tobacco fields. There were some construction workers working on a building there. I am not sure what they were doing actually, but they were near a building and might have been working on it. I had a pretty good amount of energy on my bike ride today, and I passed some people on it. I passed some people with dogs though there really were not many people on the River Trail today. I saw a school bus seemingly everywhere I looked though most did not have many people in them. I passed Bart’s Restaurant as I do on my bike rides to the tobacco fields. I should eat there sometime, and they show the specials on a sign outside. The specials seem to look pretty fine.

I passed some undoubtedly Loomis kids today, as they were walking up from Loomis and probably headed towards the grocery store. I just got a call from James Bozzuto, and there was an appointment made for Monday at three o’ clock. I wish that he had not called me, as I was writing here in my journal. That kind of ruins it for me. Well, I have just got to hope that I can keep writing here and can finish this entry up all right. On my bike ride, I saw Fred Seebeck, who was jogging, and he said “Hello” to me. I said “Hello” back.

I read the Japan book for about an hour today. I have not listened to music in a while, and I miss that. Also, I have to say that I miss Mamaw and Popee. So, I have a psychiatrist appointment on Monday. I would much rather see Mamaw and Popee than see the psychiatrist, yet now I cannot see them on the weekend though I guess that I have to deal with these problems. The Japan book is going well. Now I have got to conclude this journal entry. I had a good day today. I am

 

glad that I got to write here, and I wish the reader well and hope that he or she keeps up reading my journal. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, November 18 2001

 

Today was an extremely challenging day that turned out well. Earlier today I did not feel like doing much of anything. Yet I finally decided to go outside to walk. I walked with my regular clothes on. I walked for about thirty- three minutes. I passed some people on the River Trail. I had to say “Hello” to some people. I had to say “Hello” to two toddlers, who were walking presumably with their father. I also said “Hi” to a woman, who seemed to be walking arm in arm with her husband. Today I also was able to read the book Hirohito and the Making of Modern Japan for about fifty-five minutes. The book was a bit boring for today’s reading, though, as it talked too much about war, and I find just facts about war kind of boring. It came as a pleasant surprise that I saw Mamaw and Popee yesterday.

I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house with my mom and dad. I would rather that I had a better book to read. Today was a beautiful day, and the sun and the river cheered me up considerably. I wish that people were capable of a greeting other than the standard and generic “Hi.” The Japan book has gotten more boring with the talk of war. Yesterday I talked to Popee some, as I told Mamaw. Popee asked me what was impeding me from going to college. I told him that I had problems driving there. He asked me what would help me get there, and I told him that the psychiatrist prescribed the Ativan for it. I played three games of ping-pong yesterday with Popee, who sounded for the most part unusually clear. I miss listening to music, but I will try to start that route up again. For tomorrow I have an appointment, which I will try to make. I walked today in my full clothes.

Lately, outside my room there was a nice Brooks Brothers sweater that I had forgotten about, and it does not have any holes in it either. My mom is out shopping right now. Last night I had an awful time trying to sleep, and I kept getting up to do various things. Yesterday I watched some college football, including a close game between the University of Michigan and the University of Wisconsin. I also saw part of a game between Syracuse University and the University of Miami.

The name Miami sounds funny, and I guess that it sounds like an Italian name. Some Italian names sound funny though some sound good. I always have good dreams that I remember in the morning and that stay with me for a long time. I just am too shy to talk about them here. I wonder what will be for dinner tonight. An Italian word is spaghetti, and another Italian word is pizza. Anyway, I am getting far off of track. The Japan book is going pretty well. I read about how Japan used biological and chemical weapons against the Chinese. They used many canisters of poison gas against the Chinese. They also used tear gas, which

 

is not as bad, yet Hirohito did nothing to stop this madness. The Japanese troops were well known among Americans for their raping women at Nanking, but these chemical attacks and their policy of “annihilating the Chinese” were worse.

The Japanese had a policy to quote “annihilate” the Chinese. They supposedly killed over two million Chinese in the war. Hirohito has fallen in my estimation of him from how he took such a hard line with regard to his Far Eastern neighbors. I liked him when he was growing up at school and when he was being taught military matters, yet now he orders the policy of annihilation of the Chinese. Now I have got to wrap things up here, so to speak. I hope that the reader is doing pretty well. Yesterday night I saw part of Lethal Weapon 4.

Anyway, I hope that I will be able to continue writing here next week. I am off now, but I hope that I see the reader soon. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, November 20 2001

 

I just recently got home from exercising. I had a pretty good jog and walk, but I got tired towards the end when I was jogging. I was not able to read today yet. I did not sleep as well as I would have liked last night. I have not been feeling too well lately, and I can boil this feeling down to feeling tired and unmotivated. This feeling might come from the medicine. Yet somehow I have been lucky and have been able to keep up my reading and writing. Today I got to exercise, but I did not get to yesterday. Yesterday I read the Japan book for about fifty-five minutes.

I saw some people on the River Trail today. I saw Mrs. or Ms. Simon on the River Trail, and she said “Hello” to me. I said “Hello” back. She was talking to another person on the River Trail. I wore my Loomis jacket and my Trinity College pants. Today was cold, and I needed the warmth of these clothes. There are a lot of leaves on the ground in my yard. I think that Thanksgiving is coming up this Thursday, and I will try to go to Mamaw and Popee’s on that day. I told the psychiatrist that Thanksgiving was fun, and he had the audacity to ask me why. Maybe he was in a bad mood yesterday, and if so it showed. Anyway, I wish that I had some more music to listen to. All of my cheap Naxos CDs are a bust. I did not get to write yesterday, but I am glad that I was able to drag myself here and write today. I found it a big effort to do things today.

I saw a fine movie lately called Fried Green Tomatoes. One of the funny characters in it reminded me of my mom. This is a compliment to my mom, for I liked the funny character. I think that the two main characters in the movie were Idgie and Ruth, both of whom I liked very much. The movie took place like about fifty or sixty years ago. I mean that the movie was made lately, but the scene in the movie was some years ago. I really hope that I will eventually finish the Japan book, and I hope that I do not give up on it. Right now the section that I am reading is called “Prologue to Pearl Harbor.”

 

Japan is seemingly trying to take over too many places. I think that they allied themselves with the terrible Nazis and the awful fascists in Italy. It is too bad that they did this. Yesterday I was awfully depressed at how the psychiatrist appointment went, for it seemed as if the psychiatrist was out to get me. I might not have slept too well because of that appointment yesterday. I kept getting up at night, and I probably got up more than seven times. I would sleep for a little and then wake up again. Yesterday the psychiatrist said he was all for me changing medicines though I do not really want to do this. I would rather stick with Zyprexa than, say, go to Seraquil. I do not trust any other medicine.

So, I am looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s house for Thanksgiving, and I wonder if the family will have a big turkey this year. Lately, there has been a lot of good stuff to eat in the house, and I hope that that trend keeps up. Today seemed like a winter day, for it was so cold. The wind was especially cold though I was warm enough in my layers. My new Nike Air Maxes are pretty comfortable, and I am wearing them now. Now I must end this entry. I wish the reader fine holiday tidings, and I hope that the reader is doing well. I think that this Thursday is Thanksgiving, and I am looking forward to it. Today really is a beautiful day. I hope that I will be able to sleep better tonight than last night. Anyway, I have got to go now. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, November 21 2001

 

I am starting the day writing here, and I have not run or read yet. I had a hard time trying to read today, as indeed I did not even attempt to read. I have not been outside yet, and I have not had any lunch yet. Most of the leaves are off of the trees now. Last night I listened to Mozart’s Fifteenth and Seventeenth Piano Concertos. This was a welcome change for me, as I had not listened to much music lately. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I am looking forward to then. I do not see any life in the yard right now, for there are no animals or birds. I am glad that I am writing here today, and I hope that I will be able to read later. I am on page 422 in the Japan book, thus getting well along in it.

Today I was thinking about reading some Shakespeare, but before I do any other reading, I want to finish this book on Japan. At the time of World War I, the United States was a big power in the world, and it was more than Japan could take on. Japan seemed to want to take on the world. It was a small place too.

Japan seems like an island, and it looks much smaller than the United States. Yet with Manchuria, they greatly increased their land. I wonder how cold it is outside now, and I will bet that it is quite cold out today. I want to exercise today, and I would like to ride my bike. I wonder what will be for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow, and there will probably be a lot of good food.

Yesterday I read the Japan book for about an hour. Today I do not know if I will be able to read. If I do read, I want to read the Japan book. I am wearing my new J. Crew pants, and they are very comfortable though tight in the waist. The

 

waist size is thirty-four. Last night, I really liked listening to Mozart. I like the Fifteenth Piano Concerto better than the Seventeenth. On the second movement of the Seventeenth Piano Concerto, it is quite boring, yet that was the only boring movement. Modern society started seemingly in the seventeenth century, and all of the books written seem to be from that period on. There were many books written in the nineteenth century, when many of the classics were written.

I had a bowl of Frosted Cheerios, which was kind of disgusting. Then I had a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, which was really disgusting. These cereals were part of a big pack of small individual servings of different cereals. I like Life better than both. I hope that I have friends in the future and that these friends will always be there for me. I wonder when I will go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. I do not want to stay over there for too long. There will probably be a turkey there, and I wonder what kind of turkey it will be.

There might be a Butterball, as Mamaw might have used that in the past. I feel somewhat tired right now, but that might just be something else. My entry in the earlier times of the day might seem to be less acute and good, yet it still counts as an entry and is probably not too bad. I have got to end my entry here, and I will try to write again this week on Friday. Well, I am off now. I hope that I will see the reader Friday though not literally. I wish the reader a fine Thanksgiving, and I hope that he or she will do good things on Thanksgiving. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Friday, November 23 2001

 

Now Thanksgiving is officially over. Today so far I have had a terrible day because I have felt so tired. I have felt terrible, and I was swooning in bed a lot today. This medicine is unfortunately very strong though I have made it here today. This might be all that I do though. I did have a good Thanksgiving yesterday. I have not felt as full as I did yesterday for a long time. I mean that I ate so much stuff yesterday, and I am sure that I had all of my food groups represented.

I played three doubles games of ping-pong yesterday. My dad and mom were on one side, while Popee and I were on the other side. I did not do anything yesterday except for copy the file of my journal onto a disk for backup.

Today I was really very tired in the morning though I feel a little better now. Writing always helps matters. For Thanksgiving I had a lot of different foods, and there was a fire going in the fireplace. The fire looked very nice in the sitting room. Mamaw talked the most yesterday, and she mentioned how my aunt Ann had called. She said that Jane and John were eating alone. Jane is my aunt, and John is her son and my cousin. My sister is apparently coming home on Christmas Eve from Spain. So, that will be nice to see her. I asked Mamaw how much the turkey was, and she said that it was ten dollars.

 

I asked her when the last time they had a fire was, and she said that that was probably Christmas. I miss not going to college. I wish that I could go, but I am in what people call a no-win situation. I cannot go with this illness annoying me. If I were to go, then I would likely have to take a whole bunch of medicines, and they might not even help me to go. They might, furthermore, mess up my life entirely. Mamaw mentioned how community colleges were enrolling a lot of people, and she mentioned Asnuntuck Community College in Enfield. I would not even mind going to a community college. I would not mind going to any college at all, provided that it was partly decent.

I wonder how that Asnuntuck Community College is. I would, however, much rather go to Trinity College. I asked Popee if he was reading anything, and he said that he had recently finished a book. Then he asked me what bookstore I liked going to, and I said that I liked Borders. Today is a beautiful day, and it is not as cold as usual today. Today is a day that I might be able to enjoy a bike ride though who knows if I will go on one. I do not know what in the world I am going to do today. I want to stick to my schedule, but lately it has been so hard to do what I want. I guess that I can try to do as well as I can. If nothing else, then I will have had written this journal entry today. It is good news that I slept well last night, and I got up at around the normal time.

Thanksgiving was really good yesterday. I especially liked Mamaw’s onions, which had some kind of creamy stuff on them. They were small and round. I do not know if I am destined to take that Ativan. If I am, then maybe that medicine will help me to go to a college or something. I wonder who makes Ativan. I remember when I took Xanax, which made me feel awfully strange.

I almost began to end this entry early, but I am glad that I did not do so. I wonder what I will end up doing today. I am writing this after lunch. For lunch I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The jelly was really good, but the bread did not taste too good. The jelly was Smucker’s black raspberry jam. My mom just asked me if I wanted to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house today, and I said that I did not want to go. Well, I just said “No.” The weekend starts tomorrow. I do not have a psychiatrist appointment next week. Now is the time to end this entry. I hope that I am able to find some kind of schedule today. Anyway, today really is a beautiful day. Maybe someday I will be able to return to college, and that day might be soon. Maybe some new medicine will have little tired, and I will be able to run again and play tennis again like before. Now I am off though. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, November 24 2001

 

Today has been an awful day. I could not do much of anything today. I have had an awful day. I feel pretty poor right now because I was not able to do much though I am glad that I am here now. It is a surprise that today it rained some. It is kind of dark out now. I feel pretty bad about myself. I went to the

 

Windsor Library for about five minutes, but I could not stay to pick out some CDs. Today I listened to Mozart’s Fifteenth and Seventeenth Concertos. I have been thinking some about taking that Ativan on Monday.

My mom told me that my dad’s birthday is on Thursday, and she wants to celebrate it at Mamaw and Popee’s house in the early evening. Today has been really tough on me, and I just could not think of what to do. I saw a football game for about an hour this afternoon, and I was rooting for the University of Michigan. I did not get much exercise today except for walking to the Windsor Library. Now what makes things more depressing is that I did not get any CDs at the library. Now I do not have much music to listen to. It is a fine surprise that my mom cleaned up the dining room, and the dining room table does not have much junk on it like before. I obviously did not go to Mamaw and Popee’s house today, and I wonder if they will come over tomorrow.

I do not know what I will do for the rest of the day besides watching the television. I feel awfully depressed. There is nothing here at home to cheer me up. Today is a beautiful day, and I only wish that I was not here inside but outside riding my bike. I do like the rain, and I was caught in some rain today, when I was heading to the Windsor Library. I miss being outside. Even though it is cold out, I would have liked to have gone out to exercise. Although I tried reading today, I could not read Shakespeare, as I did not understand Othello. I read Shakespeare for about five minutes, but I was too far out of the game as far as Shakespeare was concerned. I mean that I have not read him in a while. I could not read the Japan book, as I did not feel like it. I wanted to read it. I really want to eventually finish that Japan book. So, today might have seemed like a total failure though I hate to call it that.

For example, I am writing this entry here, and I deem that a success. Yet I fear for the days ahead if they are as chaotic as today. I really wish that I could keep to a schedule, read a book, and exercise every day. Yesterday I read for about an hour, and I rode my bike for about a half hour. So while yesterday was a success, today was not. I did try reading though, but I just did not have the right spare book on me, so to speak. Today I mostly just sat around trying to figure out what to do.

The next holiday is Christmas, which I am looking forward to. I hope that I see my sister Elizabeth on Christmas Eve. I remember Christmas in former years, and I always have had a good Christmas. I wonder who won that football game. The words of James Bozzuto still ring in my mind how he said that I had to do something. I mean that he wanted me to get a job or go back to college. Yet I feel that I am doing something. I am now faced with the possibility of going on Ativan, but I do not want to do go on it. Now I have to beat a hasty retreat, so to speak. I wish the reader well, and I hope that he or she is still reading my journal entries. I will try to be more successful tomorrow. I am off now. I will likely keep trying to write here, and I am glad that I wrote today. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, November 25 2001

 

I just recently got home from exercising. Today has been so chaotic. I have not been able to read today except for getting on the Internet. I could not think of anything to do today, so I went on the Internet. I just was so desperate today. I was on there for about a half hour. Somehow I have been able to keep up this journal. I feel pretty depressed right now, and I have not been able to do much today. My parents are at Mamaw and Popee’s right now. I had a pretty decent walk, but I felt absolutely exhausted while walking. I do not know what to do with myself. I feel awful. I went on the Internet today to look up the new schizophrenia medicine Geodon though I could not find out much about it, but I think that it is made my Pfizer. I am wary about trying some new medicine because I am afraid that it will not work well.

I saw Alison Beason on my jog today, and she asked how I was. She has a nice smile that she showed today. She was my geometry teacher during Loomis summer school. She has a son who might be adopted though I am not sure.

Yesterday I watched a lot of football. I feel depressed though. It does not help that that annoying dog is barking. Anyway, I must look on the bright side of things. I do not know what to say right now because I am all shook up over that dog barking. I just feel pretty bad. There is nowhere to turn, and everywhere I look is chaos.

Today certainly has been chaotic. I have not been able to do much. I even was dumb enough to go to a Sony website. Those sites are all for profit. The psychiatry sites are even worse, and, to make matters worse, that great University of Michigan site seems to be replaced by a different annoying one. Since that terrible dog is barking, I cannot concentrate. I do not know what to do with myself. Yesterday at night I just watched television. My life is getting ruined, and I do not know how to help it. I doubt that I will be able to go to my dad’s birthday party, which is on Tuesday. I doubt that that Geodon would help, and I hate to see myself on yet another medicine, like Ativan. I do not know what would help. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow. For the past couple months things have been really tough on me.

I hope that things will improve. I really do. I am wearing stone J. Crew pants, a white T-shirt, and my black Adidas sandals. I feel awful. I felt so tired on my walk and jog today. I can barely walk these days. I went from running on a varsity New England championship team to being barely able to walk. I would not mind if I could only do other things, like read and write some, yet these days my concentration, as they say, is gone. It seems that all I have left is to watch television, and this house seems like a mental institution. I do not really want to try Geodon or Ativan. I wish that the psychiatrist would not push these medicines on me. I do not know what in the world to do tonight.

The Internet today was depressing, and it gave me a false sense of well- being. All one does on the Internet is “search,” as the word goes, for different

 

topics. The websites are primitive, and it seems as if I am searching through the artwork of primitives in caves. There is little true information on the Internet, and I do not really see the use of it. I did sleep well last night, but I finally got up very late at around eleven o’ clock. So, the reader can see that I am depressed though I do not like the clinical word depression. Now I have got to finish this entry. I hope that I will be able to get through the rest of this day all right. I doubt, however, that I will be able to go to my dad’s birthday party on Tuesday.

My parents were planning on celebrating my dad’s birthday at Mamaw and Popee’s house, and the celebration was set for Tuesday. There go my obsessions again. Anyway, I have got to go now. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Monday, November 26 2001

 

My days are quite challenging. Today I was not able to get any reading done, but I sure listened to a lot of music on the radio. Today I was able to exercise for about a half hour. Today on the radio I listened to some music, including Rachmaninov, Handel, and some other composers. I had some trouble sleeping last night. Today I was absolutely in bad shape mentally, yet I enjoyed listening to some music. Tonight though when I was listening to some music there was a really annoying host to the classical-music station. The host last night was fine, but the one tonight was stupid and pompous. The station was eighty-nine on the FM frequency, and the one that I listened to during the day today was 88.5 FM. I am really surprised that I am here writing. Today was absolutely crazy, and I did not get any reading done. The day was pretty boring really, yet somehow tonight I was able to get through it.

I have to say that God has helped me through these rough times. Without Him and His grace I do not know where I would be. I hope that He continues to be there for me, and He has helped me today for sure. I hope that I will be able to continue looking up to Him, and He has been wonderful to me. Right now it is pitch black out. I am writing almost right after I took my Zyprexa. On my exercising today, I jogged around the train station; then I walked down a neighborhood street. I hope that I will be able to sleep well tonight. That radio really is a fun thing to have, and it gives me something to do. I have a psychiatrist appointment this Monday. Obviously, I did not have one today, or I would have mentioned it.

On the radio last night I listened to Mahler’s Fourth Symphony. The host last night was really a fine host, but the host tonight was horrible and pompous. He thought that he was all great. The other host was on tonight too, but the horrible host did not give him a chance to talk. I did like the Mahler symphony that I listened to last night. I think that the radio is so much better than the Internet. For dinner today I had some beef, cole slaw, corn, and spaghetti with butter and parmesan cheese. I hope that I do not get interrupted while I am writing this entry. I miss Mamaw and Popee, and I even miss my sister a little

 

now. I especially miss reading. Maybe I will not be able to finish that Japan book after all. That would be disappointing.

At least I am keeping up writing in this journal, though, and I have kept it up pretty well through these times of crisis. I wonder if Trinity College is going on now. I wonder when they go on vacation for Christmas. I will bet that final exams will be soon there. I miss college very much. I miss a life really, yet I am getting along fine here with my music and television. I would not have it any other way. If the time comes to go to college, though, I will be there. There is not much on the news except for the war in Afghanistan. Therefore, the news is quite depressing. I have not talked to my mom much today.

I cannot believe that Thanksgiving was only on Thursday. It seems as if it has been ages since that happy holiday, and I remember that holiday well. I can see the lights of the cars coming from Loomis. The people at Loomis might think that they have it well, but I believe one of Dostoevsky’s characters that thinks that education is penal servitude. I think that I read this in Notes from Underground, yet education, if one has a fun time, can be a fine thing. Circumstances are everything.

I still have quite promising dreams at night. The radio can have some terrible programs on it, but it can also have some fine programs. I have to conclude this entry now. I am glad that I wrote tonight, but who knows if I will sleep all right. I do not know how much longer I can stay sane while not doing much. Yet I am happy. Anyway, I remind the reader that I wish him or her well. I hope that the reader is all right tonight. I might write tomorrow, and I will certainly try to do so. So, now I really have got to go. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, November 27 2001

 

I am writing this late at night. Today all that I did was go exercise. Now, however, I am writing here. I do not know what is wrong with me these days lately, but it seems serious. Maybe I should try that Ativan, or maybe I should switch medicine to Geodon. I do not know what to do. Today I listened to the radio a lot, and some of the radio programs are annoying. I mentioned the Geodon to my mom early this evening. My mom mentioned the Ativan. I have a psychiatrist appointment on Monday. Things have been going pretty bad lately, yet I have been able to keep up this journal. I feel like something bad happening is imminent. I do not know if it will be a psychosis or taking some bad medicine. I remember a song called “Bad Medicine.” The song might have been by Def Leppard. The lyrics go “I need bad medicine, bad medicine is what I need.” Anyway, there is a comedy break. Right now it is pitch black out. Today I finished off the Martinelli’s sparkling apple juice, which was pretty good to taste.

I had a fine time exercising today, and I was out for about thirty-five minutes. Today I listened to some strange music, but it was still classical music.

 

One of the composers was someone that sounded like Max Bruch, and the station played his so-called Scottish Fantasy. In my mind a Scottish fantasy is about royalty in castles. Then there was some music that turned the tango into classical music. When the so-called three tenors came on, though, I figured that I was through. I really liked listening to a Bach partita though. I hope that I spelled partita right. Tonight I listened to a Strauss piece that was something like Also sprach Zarathustra.

The station was about five minutes into Rachmaninoff’s Second Symphony when I turned the radio off. It was really surprising that I slept well last night. I was absolutely pleasantly surprised that I slept well last night. I do not know if I want to switch to a different psychosis medicine, and I wonder if Geodon or Ativan would be of any help. Maybe I am beyond help. That last statement was negative and terrible.

I am a fine young man, and I must remember that. I am glad that I am here writing. I did not watch as much television today as I used to. I do not know what in the world I am going to do tomorrow, but I guess that I will just listen to the radio. My mom asked me how my day was, and I said that it was not so good. She asked me at dinner. I had pizza for dinner, but the pizza was not as good as usual pizza because this pizza was a different kind.

The pizza, and I like that word, was not a normal pizza, but it had some strange cheese on it. It had too much grease on it too. My parents celebrated my dad’s birthday at Mamaw and Popee’s house. My sister called my dad tonight, and I guess that she was up late there in Spain. I was thinking today about going on the Internet. I was thinking about going on the Trinity College website. I wonder when they end their semester. The first semester must be soon over.

That first paragraph that I wrote in this entry was long. I dread taking more medicine. I am afraid that my already bad situation might thus get worse. It is good that my parents are not pushing me for a change in medicine. The psychiatrist is the one pushing me. Little does he know that maybe more medicine would make me even more miserable or push me over the edge into feeling miserable.

I felt pretty well on my walk today, and I did not only a loop around the River Trail but also jogged around the train station. Right now I am wearing my new shoes, some khaki Woolrich pants, and a nice baby-blue Madison Trader button-down shirt. I am also wearing white Wigwam socks. There is not much on the news these days. I am afraid that I ate too much fat today from the two big pieces of pizza to the chocolate cake later on in the evening. My waistline keeps improving, so to speak, and by this I am amusing because I mean that my waist keeps getting bigger.

Sometimes these days I do not know how to spell things that I should be able to spell. This phenomenon is so funny, and it probably only applies to smart people who developed schizophrenia. These people like me gradually forget how to spell words because of their lack of stimulus and motivation.

 

Anyway, I maybe should not be making jokes about schizophrenia. Now is about time to end my entry. I should say that now is the time to end my entry. I wish the reader well. I hope that the reader is in good health. Well, it is already the end of November. I hope that circumstances begin to change for me. I really hope that I do not get psychotic again. Hopefully, I will continue preserving and maintaining this journal. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Friday, November 30 2001

 

I did not write Wednesday, and yesterday I wrote about a twelve-minute entry in a notebook. So, today I am making up for lost time. Today I read part of a philosophy book called The Origins of Philosophy by my former philosophy teacher Drew Hyland. I read about Heraclitus and Thales for about an hour today. I have kind of a headache today, and I was not able to go out and exercise. The big thing in my life now is whether I am going to have to take some medicine, but I kind of do not want to take it. I have an appointment on Monday. I do not know what the psychiatrist will prescribe. Today is quite cold, and I did not want to make my headache worse by going out for a walk. I have been having a tough time figuring out what to do, yet today I was able to read. I do not know if I want to take any more medicine. The psychiatrist will probably tell me to take some more medicine. This might complicate the situation.

I doubt that I will be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow, making me sad. I miss them. If I do take some medicine for my obsessions, as I call them, then maybe I will be able to go out more and visit my grandparents on a regular basis. I do not know what will happen at the psychiatrist appointment. James Bozzuto seems to have so many patients. He wants me to return to college, yet he does not know how annoying this medicine is. This medicine kills me.

Also, the medicine makes me gain weight.

Today is gray out. There is some fog out. I am glad that I am writing here.

I really am quite at a loss for words. I just am afraid of being on another medication, as I know that the medicine will make me more tired. I do not like the feeling of being tired. I do not want to go on Prozac or Paxil, and they should call those drugs “exhausted” and “tired.” I did like reading about Heraclitus today. Thales believed that the primary substance in the world was water, and he thought that the mind was like water in that it took many different shapes.

Heraclitus believed that there was a logos to the soul. He also believed that this order to the soul was in flux and that there was a harmony of opposites in the world. Thales was before Heraclitus, and I do not want to mix up their different ideas. Thales thought that a fine thing would be to know about one’s soul, and to know one’s soul was the goal of wisdom and a very hard thing. It is also important to know that one’s soul is part of a bigger world of nature.

I have no idea what I am going to do today and tomorrow. My days are so chaotic. I have some good dreams at night. The day is kind of gloomy though

 

still beautiful. Maybe the day seems gloomy because I have a headache. I miss my grandparents. I wonder when school at Trinity College gets out, and I want to return there if I can. The philosophers wanted people to get beyond the appearances of things, and to find the true wisdom about things. The philosophers said that most people just are dumb and judge by appearances of things, while the wise men know more.

A wise man has to truly experience wisdom in order to be wise instead of just assuming to be wise because of something he has read by a wise man. In my opinion one has to put forth much effort to become wise. I miss exercising already. The fog seems to have lifted somewhat since I began writing this entry. Now I must conclude this entry. I am glad that I got in this entry today, and I hope that there are good things in my future. If at all possible, I want to avoid taking medicine for anxiety or obsessions. Anyway, I hope that things will improve for me. I have to go now, but before I go I want to wish good tidings to the fair reader. I hope that I will find out something to do today. Well, now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, December 1 2001

 

Today I went on a great bike ride, which I just recently returned from, though it is disappointing that I did not go to Mamaw and Popee’s today. I had a fabulous bike ride, though, and I rode my bike for about an hour. The reason why it was so fun was that it is warm out and that I got to wear shorts. I rode up towards the Oliver Ellsworth elementary school. My bike handles well, and I rode really fast down the hill on my way home. I guess that that is kind of dangerous, but it is really fun. I do not know if I am going to go on more medicine. I might have to try the Ativan to see if it works, yet I would rather get along without it. Yet I do not want my condition to get worse either, and if Ativan helps, then maybe I should take it.

I tried reading Candide today, but it was too boring to read. Also, I have already read it. Today is a beautiful day. I hope that I do not have to go on more medicine. I really do not want to because I am afraid of the medicine’s side effects. Psychiatric medicine is so different from regular medicine. It is more akin to cancer treatment. In killing some bad symptoms, the psychiatric medicine also kills good behavior. In stopping my psychosis, the Zyprexa slows me down considerably, so it cannot be good for my health.

Yet in a way I am looking forward to it in that I might be prescribed some medicine that might help me. Yet I should not kid myself because the medicine will probably make my position worse. I have the appointment in two days. I miss Mamaw and Popee. I cannot believe that I did not go to their house today. I really wanted to, but I could not get out. I guess that they did not want to come over here. They always lift my spirits up, and I am irritated that I cannot see them. I feel bad about not going though I did have a nice bike ride today. The

 

weather was great for a nice bike ride. There was a nice lady who passed me on my bike today and said “Hello.” She was dressed up in bike attire, and she was riding a bike.

I passed some people today on my bike ride. I passed three old women who were sitting on the bench, a woman and her young son, and an old woman. There were a lot of people at the lunch place called Bart’s, which is popular. On my bike ride today I rode all the way up to the veterinarian place. The building is brown, and it looks like it is made of a varnished wood. I passed a tall young man on my bike ride, and he looked like a person whom I have often seen in Windsor. He was wearing New Balance shoes. I miss reading, and I wish that I could finish that Japan book that I was into so much. I miss that book and reading about the war. The book is due this Wednesday. I really do not want to be put on that Ativan, yet maybe it would be good for me.

I obviously want to return to Trinity College. The people there have surely given me enough time to decide if I want to return. There are a lot of leaves on the ground now, and most of the leaves on the trees are off. I wonder if Loomis has school today. I guess that Ativan might really help me, and I sure hope that it does. I do not remember much about taking Ativan at the hospital, as I told Popee recently when I was talking to him. I told him that I did not remember how I felt about it. Now I have got to end this entry. I hope that the reader is doing well. I have no idea what to do in the future, for apparently lately I have had trouble reading. Yet I have got to continue to try to maintain this journal, for in the future people might be interested in reading it. Today really is a fine and beautiful day. Now I really should go. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, December 2 2001

 

Today is quite cold. I did not go out to exercise today. Today I really enjoyed reading about Pythagoras and Parmenides in the book The Origins of Philosophy. I was able to understand Parmenides today, and he was quite a tough writer. He saw philosophy as a quest, not just as topics. I read the book for about fifty-four minutes today. Tomorrow I have the psychiatrist appointment, and I wonder what will happen during it. I wonder if the psychiatrist will exert his influence and tell me to take Ativan though I do not want to take it. Yet I might end up taking it, and it might help. I really enjoy reading about the pre-Socratics. Their philosophy is so engaging.

Last night I read the Japan book for about a half hour, and I enjoyed reading that. The book was about how Hirohito did not give up his stance to take the offensive even though that looked futile. In this way, Hirohito had an unrealistic view of the the war in which he was being pounded, so he was kind of foolish. I like Parmenides as a philosopher, and I kind of like him more than I like Pythagoras. Parmenides wrote in the form of a proem, which is a kind of

 

story. Well, he begins his work with a story, and the point of the story was to show that philosophy is not just about concepts but about a quest and a journey. When I was reading philosophy about a couple of days ago, I could not understand Parmenides, but I did today. He talks about how the wrong road is to think of things as nonbeing and about how the way to think of things is being.

He talks about how there is no flux in things, no coming-to-be or passing away. He thinks that everything is in unity and eternal and that the arche does not change. His view of the world is quite engrossing. I am not exactly looking forward to my appointment tomorrow, when I might be put on more medicine. Today is quite cold out. If I went out for a run, then I would have to wear some layers. I miss Mamaw and Popee. In the forest in the backyard there is a bunch of things made out of wood though I cannot tell what they are.

The kids nearby made these things. Even if I was up close, I probably still could not figure out what they were. Anyone could make them though with the right wood, and they seem to have the highest value as wood contraptions. I am afraid of going on Ativan. I am afraid of the so-called somnolence that it might cause. The psychiatrist wants me to return to college, but my mom says that I do not have to. Of course, I want to return to college, but unless the schizophrenia medicine drastically improves, I do not see how I could return. My parents are not home now.

I think that my mom went to Mamaw and Popee’s house and that my dad went for a so-called ride, as he said. So, I am alone here writing. I wonder what will happen tomorrow. I know that the psychiatrist might view me as just another of his many patients, and he might not make the time to study my case. He might handle me routinely like his other patients. He might apply the indecent psychiatrist paradigm of integrating patients into society at whatever cost, whether he or she has loss of intellect or loss of energy. Those two losses go hand in hand. So, I probably should not be so anxious about tomorrow, and I should also not unduly get my hopes up. There probably will not be much good on television today. I will probably end up watching some football, as I did yesterday.

Yesterday I saw some college games, and today is the day when National Football League games are on. Well, I should finish my journal entry now. I am not exactly looking forward to my appointment tomorrow. I do wish the reader well, and I am looking forward to writing a lot next week if I am able to. I hope that I will be able to start up a regular schedule of academics and sports again. This would make me very happy. If only I could have a good schedule and abide by it, I think that I would be all right. So, now I must go. I am glad that I wrote today on this cold day. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, December 4 2001

 

I just returned from a fun bike ride, and I rode towards the tobacco fields.

Today I read for about an hour. I started reading Parmenides very briefly for about five minutes, but I did not understanding; then I turned to the Japan book for the rest of the time allotted. Today really is a beautiful day. The day is not too cold, and I wore a sweatshirt with two layers under it. I wore a pair of my Sport Hill pants that I had not worn since they were washed, and these pants fit surprisingly well. Anyway, I am getting towards the end of the Japan book. I went to the psychiatrist appointment yesterday, and it was surprisingly much better than I expected. He was in a good mood, apparently, and he did not try to force me to take Ativan or to go back to college. At the end of the time he said that he would like to see me return to college, but he said it in an offhand sort of way. So, I felt pretty well about my appointment yesterday.

I really hope that I will be able to finish the Japan book. The book is due tomorrow, but I think that I will just keep it. I do not feel like going to the library tomorrow. I will bring it back eventually, obviously. Yesterday I read for about a half hour and rode my bike for about a half hour. The book that I was reading yesterday was the Japan book, and I am looking forward to finishing this book eventually. Today the book mentioned how the United States used atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I am at the point where Japan was planning on surrendering to the United States. The leadership in Japan was meeting to determine whether to surrender unconditionally, as the United States said that they wanted to put some conditions on their surrender, the most important condition being that the monarchy and the kokutai stay intact. The kokutai is the ruling elite, kind of like the aristocracy in America though the kokutai has more political clout.

The book talks a lot about the kokutai. I saw recently on the news that there might eventually be an empress in Japan, for I think that a baby girl was just born to the royalty in Japan. I guess that Japan is not doing too well economically, and they are facing hard times now. I think that the United States was terrible to drop atomic bombs on Japanese civilians. The United States should be ashamed of itself for killing innocent people and especially with such a magnitude. The Japanese should also be ashamed of their treatment of POWs in the war too. Both nations have much to be ashamed of, but at least Japan did not kill as many innocent civilians in the war. They acted better towards the United States than towards China, though, and the Japanese should feel bad about their wanton killing of civilians in China. Both nations acted reprehensibly in war.

I kind of wish that I were reading a better book. I did not understand Parmenides today for some reason. There is not much positive on the news these days, and I wish that there was such a thing as positive news. I wish that there was a positive news network. Anyway, today really is a beautiful day. I wonder when the first snowstorm will be though the first snow might fall soon. I miss Mamaw and Popee. I remember how fun Thanksgiving was and how much I was

 

enthralled with the fire in the fireplace. In philosophy, fire is an important element, and I should see more of it than I do.

Yesterday the psychiatrist asked me about the books that I was reading. I talked about the Japan book and about the book The Origins of Philosophy. I told him that I could not focus on one book, and he said that that was normal. He seemed more supportive than usual yesterday, which bodes in his favor. My dad drove me to the appointment yesterday. I saw some birds in the bushes today.

The birds were small and were probably some type of sparrow. I saw some people on the River Trail today. I saw a man with some ugly sneakers walking though I will not judge him too much because of his sneakers. The way he walks is kind of frightening though. I passed a couple who looked like fine people because they smiled as I passed on the bike.

Today I feel glad that I am able to write this. Now I must conclude this journal entry though I am glad that I got to write today. I wish the reader fine tidings, and I hope that he or she tries to always make the right decisions and to do the right things. I hope that I will be able to write enough this week. After I finish this entry, I will probably be done with academics for the day. The last thing that I want to do is turn into a bureaucrat, and I must avoid becoming one with all of my will. Anyway, I guess that I should go now. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, December 5 2001

 

Today has been a good day. I started the Shakespeare play Othello, and I think that it is quite a fine play. Today is a beautiful day, and it is extremely warm for this time of the year. I just recently got home from a bike ride. I passed tons of people, and some of them I knew from Loomis. Today was and is quite warm. I wore shorts on the bike ride, and I was not cold with them on. I read Othello for about an hour today, and I am glad that the play is easy enough to understand.

Yesterday night I had trouble sleeping because of obsessions. I hope that I will be able to have some friends in my life and to do fun things with these friends. I rode my bike down to the tobacco fields in Windsor and saw Jeffrey Scanlon near there, and Louise Moran on the River Trail, and they both work at Loomis.

I think that Louise works in the Development Office or with the Loomis Magazine and that Jeffrey works as an English teacher. Actually, I was a student of Jeff Scanlon at Loomis though at the time when I was in my senior slump. I really did not do well in the course, for I think that I got one of the lowest grades (a C-) that I ever got at Loomis. This was when I was not trying during the last two terms of my senior year, which exempted me from the cum laude society.

Anyway, I passed some other people too. I passed some women with their children.

They were all in a group in the parking lot of the River Trail, which is made up of gravel, not that ugly concrete. I passed an attractive young woman with a baby who pointed out the bike (with me on it) that was passing by.

 

Anyway, I hope that I will be able to finish Othello, as that is quite a short book. I read about thirty-three pages today, and I should be able to finish the book if all goes well. I cannot get over how lovely the day is. I have been thinking a lot about what to ask for for Christmas, and what I really want is a nice watch, like a Tag Heuer or a Rolex though a Rolex would probably be too expensive. I want the watch from Lux, Bond, and Green in Hartford. Yet I will probably end up not asking for it but for books and music instead. Right now I can see the sun on the lawn and the shadow cast by the tree outside my window. The grass is nice and green, and there are a bunch of brown dry leaves on the lawn.

Last night I did not sleep that well. I had a hard time staying asleep, for my obsessions kept attacking me. These obsessions delayed my initially getting to sleep too. The obsession that kept me up last night was that while I was getting a couple cookies my hand brushed up against a chocolate bar. Therefore, when I touched my hand to my lips, I decided that since this hand touched the chocolate bar, I might have, therefore, transferred to myself some alcohol, which might have been in the artificial vanilla flavoring. And because I did this, I told myself that I had to wait for an hour before the alleged alcohol wore off, so I could not get to sleep for a while since I ate those cookies before I went in bed. There are many other annoying obsessions too. I just did not have too good of a night last night, when I was trying to go to bed and to sleep when it was the night.

I do like the play Othello. The main character is Othello, and he is in love with a woman whose father at first suspected Othello of witchcraft in securing the love of his daughter. Yet the father learns how the daughter was won over by Othello in a normal fashion, and then he gets angry at his daughter and pardons Othello though he by no means approves of the match. There is not much on the news except for the war in Afghanistan. The Taliban group is losing the war though they are apparently taking a last stand in a place called Kandahar. The war interests me little, and I feel awful about how those people are suffering from starvation. The economy is not in too good of shape, and the Enron corporation contributed to some bleak forecasts on the economy. The share value of the afflicted oil giant is now less than one dollar.

Well, now is the time to wrap up this entry. I hope that my night tonight is better than the one last night. I am probably done with academics for today after I finish this entry. Unfortunately, there is not much of value on television in the afternoon hours before I eat dinner. I am writing now at around three o ‘clock.

Anyway, I should be going now but not before wishing well the fine reader. I wonder what season the reader is in while reading this entry. I wonder what time the reader is reading this at. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, December 6 2001

 

I just recently returned from a bike ride. There were a lot of people on the River Trail. Today I read Othello for about an hour. The book is pretty well

 

written. Shakespeare writes about mean people. So, Shakespeare himself might be a mean character, or else how would he knew the depths to which the human spirit might shrink? I really want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house this Saturday. There were a lot of kids on the River Trail today, and I saw two kids on scooters. I saw a man who appeared out of it and disoriented. He was riding a bike, but was going really slowly and appeared not to know what he was doing.

Today is pretty warm, especially considering that it is wintertime.

I wore my black Adidas soccer shorts on the bike ride. I wonder when Trinity College ends this semester. I hope that a cure for schizophrenia comes along so that I will be able to return to Trinity College. Last night there was not much good stuff on television. I hope that I will be able to see Mamaw and Popee this weekend, and I am trying to make a point of going there. I saw some dogs today on the River Trail and at the tobacco fields. One of the dogs was a big husky that I was initially afraid of; it did not have a leash on. It was running along the side of its owner, who was also running.

An old man said “Hello” to me near the tobacco fields. I am glad that I am not on Ativan, and I hope that I never have to add a medicine to this Zyprexa. My mom mentioned to me that Christopher Thurber might take Zyprexa. He is a faculty kid like me, and I remember him from Loomis. I really must make an effort to go to Mamaw and Popee’s on Saturday. My Windsor Library books are overdue, but I do not really care much about this because I will return the books soon enough, as the expression goes. Obviously, though, I will not be soon enough not to get a fine.

I hope that I will be able to finish Othello, and I read about twenty-seven pages (pages thirty-five to sixty-two) today. So, I am about half of the way through the book. I especially miss listening to music. I hope that I will be able to start up the habit of listening to music again as soon as possible though it might take a while start it up again. My prime objective is to keep up a schedule, and this week I have kept a schedule pretty well. I would be glad if there were more decent programs on television; there is little on in the afternoon. I am surprised at how nice the day has turned out as far as the weather. The day is so nice.

I wonder if there will be any decent movies on television today. I hope that I have not been putting too much pressure on myself lately, and today I sort of feel a lot of stress. I think that I am demanding on myself. I am looking forward to the time some months from now when I will print out the most recent journal entries, which have not been printed. I miss college. If someone from Trinity College calls me and tells me that my medical leave is up, then I will have to return to a lesser college academically if I want to return to college at all. Of course, I always want to return to college though. I want to return to college much more than my mom and dad want me to return to college.

My grandparents though want me to return to college more than my parents want me to return to college. Othello is all right, but unfortunately it

 

shows all the bad depths of the human character. The measures that humans will go to in their depravity is pretty bad. The characters Iago and Roderigo are, at bottom, terrible people. They essentially are servants to the more powerful characters, but they want to stir up strife between these more powerful characters. I do not want to talk about the book now though for fear that I will get the names of the rest of the characters wrong, as the names are not easy to remember. Well, I hope that I get to see Mamaw and Popee on Saturday, as I miss them very much. After I finish this entry, I will probably be done with academics for the rest of the day. I wish the reader a good day, and I hope that the reader tunes in for more of my journal entries in the future. I am off now.

Bye bye.

 

Friday, December 7 2001

 

Today has been a good day so far. Today I read Othello for about an hour and exercised for about a half hour. I am almost through with Othello, and I hope that I will be able to finish it soon. I just recently got home from exercising. I mainly walked, but jogged to and from the entrance to the River Trail home. So, I walked for about twenty minutes and jogged for about ten minutes. From Othello I have remembered only Cassio, the main character in the play. Anyway, the play is pretty well written. Today was colder than the previous two days, and I had to wear long pants on my exercising. I also had to layer with my sweatshirt. I really am looking forward to seeing Mamaw and Popee tomorrow, and I hope that I will be able to make it there. Today on the River Trail I was caught up in a swarm of crows. There were a whole lot of them, and I noticed that I felt kind of irritated at their chirping, if it can be called that. I might have, therefore, felt different if I were caught in a swarm of sparrows. The crows- and there must have been thousands of them- were in the trees in the forest in the River Trail. I am really hoping that I get to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow.

I want to play some ping-pong with Popee. Last night I had trouble getting to sleep because of another obsession, but once I got to sleep, I think that I slept well. I have a psychiatrist appointment on Monday, but I do not know if I will go there. I really want to finish the play Othello, for I think that that would boost my confidence. One thing that I hated to be told as a kid was that I had low self- confidence, as this is one of the worse things that can be said to a kid.

People who are told that they have low self-confidence or self-esteem feel bad, and the person who tells this must be a low person indeed. Just by telling a kid who does not have low self-esteem that he does have low self-esteem might make the kid in fact have low self-esteem. Today is a Friday, so the weekend is almost here. My mom is probably glad that the weekend is near. I did pass some people on the River Trail today. I passed a woman and her toddler. Actually, the kid might have even been younger than a toddler though he appeared to be standing up on his own. I passed a couple, who had a couple of dogs.

 

On the way to the River Trail, I passed a couple Loomis kids. One wore Adidas shoes and a red T-shirt though why he wore a T-shirt in this weather is beyond me. At least they did not wear any shorts. The Taliban in Afghanistan have surrendered in Kandahar. That war is so depressing, and I wish that there would be more good news on the news. Today I have been thinking about my time at the Williams College tennis camp and about the nice girl whom I met there. I remember going to a roller-skating place with the camp, and how the girl wanted to dance with a friend whom I met there.

The girl said that if I went to skate, then maybe he would, and she tried to get me to skate though I declined. I did not want to skate just so that my friend would, and this girl would skate with him. Instead, my friend, the girl, and some of her friends looked through some fashion magazines. I looked through them as well, but I think that I just watched them. I think that the girl was from West Hartford, but I cannot remember for certain where she was from. I have a picture that has her arm around me, and I still have this picture. I should remember her name, but I cannot remember it.

I remember how fast I went around the inline skating place either at the Williams College or at the Amherst College tennis camp. I went to both camps the same summer, and they lasted for about two weeks each. I had a lot of fun that summer. I miss being around people. I wish that I was in Trinity College. I miss athletics (playing tennis and soccer) a lot, yet I realize that I have limitations put on me by this medicine. I am glad that I have freedom and the ability to read.

Tomorrow I hope that I will be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I am probably done with academics for the rest of the day when I finish this entry. Today the sun is out, and the sky is blue though it seems kind of gloomy and overcast. I wonder if Loomis has a Week One or a Week Two tomorrow. On a Week One the kids and teachers have school, and on a Week Two they do not have school. Well, now I should conclude this entry. I hope that the reader is doing all right and that the reader will keep reading this journal. I am glad that I am writing this entry today though now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, December 9 2001

 

Today I finished the book Othello, which ended sadly. Othello killed his wife, Desdemona, and then killed himself. The ending would have been better had Othello not killed himself. Iago was the villain who caused the killings. He hated Othello, the person whom he worked for. Iago was the servant. Iago even killed Roderigo, whom he pretended to befriend. Last night it snowed a lot. It snowed while I was asleep, and when I woke up, I saw the trees and ground covered with snow. I did get to exercise today though. I passed Ronald Marchetti in the driveway. He waved to me, and I waved back and said “Hello.” I passed some Loomis kids on my jogging portion of the exercising. That last sentence was not too good grammatically. Anyway, I am guessing that they were Loomis

 

kids because they were kids and because they were walking near Loomis. I passed two girls, and one had on a gray sweatshirt, which had the word Boston in blue letters on it.

I do not really like Shakespeare too much, for he brings out the worst in human nature and coddles it. He would do much better if he had more innocence of the world. I did go to see my grandparents yesterday. As Mamaw mentioned at the end of the time there, there was not much for me to do there. Popee, as Mamaw said, was feeling weak, and so was not up for ping-pong.

Yesterday I watched far too much television. Mamaw gave me ten dollars yesterday. I told Mamaw that I had a good week last week, and she asked me why. I said that I could concentrate well. I think that she thought that that was great. Today is really cold, and I had to wear layers to keep me warm. Last night I saw part of The Matrix, but it did not impress me very much. The sound was low when the movie was on, but louder when the commercials came on, and this annoyed me. Tomorrow I have a psychiatrist appointment, and I wish that I had these appointments once every two weeks. Like I said, I finished Othello today.

The book was a tragedy because Shakespeare chose to use his wit in a terrible fashion with death and destruction as topics.

My mom is out now, and I think that my dad went out recently too. I am now reading The Taming of the Shrew, which is like The Prince in the Pauper in a way. The book is about how this drunkard was taken to a rich man’s place and treated as a nobleman. The rich man wanted to do this not for the drunkard’s advancement but for the rich man’s own amusement. I know that I did not write yesterday, but I was over at Mamaw and Popee’s house. Popee was too weak yesterday to play ping-pong. I got really angry at being up there alone in a room upstairs while everyone and some visitors were downstairs talking. I did not want to be with the visitors, for I only wanted to see my grandparents. I was hoping that my mom would come up soon and say that she was ready to go home because at that point I had been out for about three hours. Being out that long is a lot for me. In all, yesterday I was out for about four hours.

Mamaw gave me ten dollars. By that time I was kind of irritated and just wanted to go home. This was disappointing at the end of my time over there because I usually really enjoy my visits there. I am glad that I am writing here. Popee asked me whether I had made up my mind about school, and I said that I had not made up my mind yet. Popee said that he felt good some times and other times not so good. He talked about something he had read that made him laugh. Well, now is the time to conclude this entry. Like I said, I am glad that I wrote today. The ground is covered in snow now though the roads and sidewalks are fine. I doubt that I will write tomorrow if I go to that appointment. So, I will probably not write tomorrow though I plan on writing for the rest of the week. I give my good wishes to the reader, and I hope that the reader accepts them. Now I am in a humorous mood. Well, now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Monday, December 10 2001

 

Today has been a difficult day so far. The day has been difficult because first off the psychiatrist could not see me today and changed the appointment to Wednesday. I had been planning on going today, and this only can complicate things. Today I read The Taming of the Shrew for about an hour, and I do like this play better than most of Shakespeare’s plays. Last night I saw a fine movie called Willow on the Science Fiction Channel though I especially miss music. I mean that I miss listening to classical music. Now that I am thinking about music, I also miss playing music. Last night the movie Willow was on, and it lasted for about three hours.

I had seen Willow before as a boy, and I liked the movie a lot then.

Surprisingly, I also like it now too. The book that I am reading is very short, and I like the characters in this play. Shakespeare writes a lot about Italy. The book is essentially a tale told at this mansion of this rich man, who took a drunkard to his mansion and who told him that he had been a lunatic before and that now he got his sanity back and was a fine man. The rich man who duped the drunkard had some of his servants tell a tale about the shrew and her beautiful sister. So, there are kind of two tales in one in this Shakespeare book. Although there were many suitors for the beautiful sister, only one person wanted the shrew, and that was because she was wealthy. He only cared about wealth in considerations for a wife.

Today is very cold, and I had to wear layers on my exercising. Today really is a beautiful day because there is snow on the ground and because the sky is nice and blue. The trees are strong, strong enough to withstand even the toughest ice, which I think that I saw this morning. Lately, I have been having trouble sleeping for some reason, which is probably stress. The sky at the horizon right now is a beautiful orange, yet it looks somehow scary to me too.

Maybe I realize that the horizon is about two hundred miles away and that that is far off from my safe abode.

The movie Willow last night had a lot of magic in it, and there was a happy ending. The visuals were dazzling, as a commercial might say. Anyway, there were small gnome-like creatures and tiny creatures that the writer called brownies. There were fairies and trolls. There was a good sorceress and an evil sorceress. I remember those times way back when I used to have fun playing Dungeons and Dragons with those character sheets and manuals. Anyway, the fine movie brought back memories. Well, now is the time to end this journal entry. I wonder when the next time it will snow will be. Today truly is a magnificent day as far as the weather is concerned. The nature cheers me up. I wonder if there will be anything decent on the television tonight though I doubt that there is anything decent that will be on. Well, at least I have tomorrow free. I cannot believe that the appointment had to be canceled today, yet some things are unexpected. I am off now. I wish the reader well as always. Bye bye.

 

 

Tuesday, December 11 2001

 

Today I am not feeling too well physically. I have a headache, yet I was able to read The Taming of the Shrew for about fifty-five minutes today. I was not able to jog today, yet it is good that I went for a walk in my full clothes for about a half hour. I recently got home from this walk, which was enjoyable. I passed a regular on the River Trail today, and I think that she was wearing black sunglasses. Two young women passed me on the trail, and one of them was jogging with a stroller with wheels meant for just that. My dad brought Mamaw to the doctor today. Last night I watched part of a movie called Isle of the Haunted, which was a Pretender movie that is was an extension of the show “The Pretender.”

I still like The Taming of the Shrew, but Shakespeare is not my favorite author. It seems that today is warmer than previous days, and right now the sun is shining strongly. I am glad that I am writing today despite a headache.

Tomorrow I am scheduled to see James Bozzuto. I am looking forward to Christmas, but my mom wants me to come up with a Christmas list. Today I am wearing my Nike Air Maxes, Woolrich khaki pants, and a baby-blue Madison Trader button-down shirt that Mamaw and Popee gave to me. At least I think that they gave me this shirt. I saw a cardinal on the River Trail today. I felt kind of awkward walking in my clothes, for I was afraid that someone I knew from Loomis might look askance at it. Yet I was relieved that I in a way did not care what others thought and merely enjoyed being out in the fresh air.

Much of the snow from the snowstorm has melted. I wonder when Loomis gets a vacation, and they will probably get off soon if they are not on vacation already. I am about halfway through The Taming of the Shrew, which, like I mentioned in a previous entry, is a very short book. I do not like this headache that I have. This morning I felt especially bad physically, yet my walk today went well. Like Mamaw said Saturday, Christmas is in two weeks from today.

Today really is a beautiful day, and the sun looks nice on the grass. I am looking forward to printing out my recent journal though that is about five months away, and I know that I have put this off for a long time. I wonder if Mamaw gave me a dinner today. The last time that she gave a dinner, which was only about a couple of days ago, she gave these really good ribs. She nearly always makes fine dinners. I do look forward to Christmas in two weeks.

I should finish The Taming of the Shrew before long. Today the book was about how the shrew, whose name is Kate, is going to get married to Petruchio, who only cares about her money. A shrew is a scolding woman as the entry says under shrew in the Oxford English dictionary, which is not to my knowledge a very good meaning. I very much miss listening to music, and I want to start that up again maybe in about two weeks. Of course, there are those music channels

 

on television, but they play only trash as compared to a Mozart or a Vivaldi. I got that dictionary from my parents during a recent Christmas though I do not have any idea what to possibly put on a Christmas list for this year.

A New Year’s resolution would be to make sure that I print out my recent journal. Otherwise, I would be foolish. Today was a nice day for a walk. I have not mentioned this lately, but I hope that I will never get psychotic again though that is obvious from the way that I live. On the River Trail, the bridge is still covered with about a couple inches of snow. The rest of the trail, for the most part, has no snow or ice on it. Tomorrow I have to go to the psychiatrist. Last night my mom said that there would likely not be a psychiatrist appointment on the week of Christmas. This would be good, and anyway I will probably skip the appointment if there was one during Christmas week. Well, I have got to finish this entry now. I did not feel too well physically today, but I feel that I will get better with time. After I finish this entry, I will probably be done with academics for the day. I hope that the reader is doing well. I have got to go now. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, December 13 2001

 

I just recently got home from about a half-hour bike ride. Today was really cold out, and I had to wear my Loomis jacket on the bike ride. Today I read The Taming of the Shrew for about an hour. There is a lot of fog around though I am glad that I went on the eerie bike ride. The woods were foggy, and the River Trail seemed eerie. Last night I saw part of a disturbing movie, and it was like a fantasy movie. There was this chest that contained evil, and the movie was pretty bad. I only watched part of it because there really was nothing much else on. I am just about through with the Shakespeare play. In other words, I am about through with the shrew. I owe God a lot for helping me to keep a schedule. His grace and His power shine through. I hope that He continues to be there for me. I think that I have been all right to Him so far, and I must continue to look up to Him. I certainly look up to Him. Today there really is a lot of fog out. The sky is gray, and the air is haunting though I liked riding through the fog on my bike.

There were only two people on the River Trail today. I saw a man jogging on the trail. My hands were freezing in the beginning of my ride, and I had to warm my hands up with my jacket sleeves. I still have not come up with a Christmas list. Christmas is fast approaching. I am looking forward most to Christmas Eve, which I will celebrate at Mamaw and Popee’s house. Yesterday I went to the psychiatrist. He asked me, and I told him about virtually everything in my life. Therefore, afterwards I felt kind of melancholy, and people need secrets. Anyway, today I almost finished The Taming of the Shrew. I do like this play, for it is funny. I wonder how the book will end.

I did not write yesterday, but I read Shakespeare for about a half hour.

Also, yesterday I brought back the two Windsor Library books that I had taken out. So, I did not get to finish the book Hirohito and the Making of Modern Japan

 

though I did learn a lot from it. I remember a comment on an Aristotle paper that I wrote in Drew Hyland’s philosophy class that said that my paper needed work but that I learned a lot from Aristotle. This is how I feel about that Japan book, for I really wanted to finish it. So, the weekend is coming up soon. I hope that I will be able to see Mamaw and Popee this Saturday.

I think that the people at Trinity College are on vacation, yet there is a small chance that there are still classes and that the students are taking exams. I wonder if the Loomis kids are still in school. My sister is probably in Spain right now, and I really wonder how she likes it. I will bet that she likes her time in Spain. Mamaw recently went to the doctor’s, and I wonder how her bill of health is.

There is not much going on in the news these days. The United States is seeking out the terrorists in the caves in Afghanistan, and there is violence between Israel and the Palestinians. Every night is the same thing on the news with news of Afghanistan. I have trouble getting up early, and when I am able to get up early, I find that my schedule gets all messed up. So, I am looking forward to seeing Mamaw and Popee this Saturday. I am glad that I am writing here now. For lunch today I had some lobster in a sandwich. My dad bought me a lobster roll, and I scooped the lobster out of the disgusting roll and put it between two pieces of bread. I wonder what there will be for dinner today.

Now is the time to end this entry. I wonder what I will get for Christmas this year. All that I want is a decent Christmas. Certainly, I had a fine Thanksgiving. Who knows, maybe someone soon will come up with a total cure for schizophrenia. I certainly think that I am doing pretty well considering the devastating somnolence this medicine causes. Well, now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Friday, December 14 2001

 

Last night I slept poorly, and I kept getting up in the middle of the night. When I woke up, I did not feel refreshed, but instead felt tired. I do not feel that great right now though I finished The Taming of the Shrew today. I started reading a play called Prometheus Bound by Aeschylus, which I have already read recently. Today the sky is gray, and there was a light sprinkle on my bike ride. I read for about an hour and rode for about a half hour. Tomorrow I want to go to the bookstore and then Mamaw and Popee’s house.

I think that I want to get some Aristotle books. I wish that I had slept well last night. I received a short postcard from Christopher Merrill yesterday, and he wrote about California, which is where he lives right now. Today is cold and wet. Right now I feel kind of tired and somewhat depressed. I am good with these psychological terms. Right now it is quite dark out, and it almost seems scary out though I do not mind the weather. I miss listening to music. It seems that I have not listened to good music in a while. I hope that I will sleep well tonight, and I must concentrate on doing so for the whole day. Lately, in general I have not

 

been sleeping too well, for I always get up a lot during the night. I feel washed up right now. I remember during the night wishing for it to be light out and for the morning to come, for I wanted sleep. I did not want to be up during the night.

The Shakespeare play ended with a speech by Kate, who used to be the shrew, in which she shows how she was so-called tamed by her husband Petruchio. Kate’s speech disturbed me, though, for it shows her view that women are of delicate body and are not meant for anything else than obeying their husbands, who do all the rough stuff, like hunting and fighting. I wonder if this is Shakespeare’s view too, and I would not be surprised if it was. I wonder how Popee is doing now, and I hope that he is not still weak. Maybe he has regained some strength. I hate to seem him in bed in the afternoon. Today is the end of the week, so that means that tomorrow I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. The Aeschylus play that I am reading is very short.

Today is so dark. There is no trace of blue in the sky. The sky is gray with some patches of what I think is pink along the horizon two hundred miles away. Christmas is fast approaching. Last night there was nothing good on television at around nine o’ clock, and there rarely is anything good on at this time. I passed an old man on the River Trail today, and he was carrying a cane and wearing a hat. He is a regular on the trail though I have not seen him much at all lately. I hope that Aristotle is a decent writer. I especially like the play Prometheus Bound, for its images are really decent. I do miss music.

I miss the music of Mozart. I want to start that habit of listening to music up again even if I do not listen to music almost every night. Music is an important thing. Christopher Merrill wrote that he is working on an awards show and that he is living with James Ristas, and I wonder how Chris likes it in California. Right now it looks as if there is going to be a huge thunderstorm, and I hope that there is. Then at least there would be some reason for this gray and scary weather.

I should not call it scary weather, though, for weather should not be scary unless there is some kind of hurricane or something similar to it. I wonder if Loomis is on vacation now. Anyway, tomorrow I hope that I will be able to go to the bookstore and to Mamaw and Popee’s house. Now I have got to end this entry. I hope that the reader is doing well. I am kind of at a low point right now, but everyone has low points in their life, and the reader must have had some days when he or she just did not feel right. Well, I hope that tomorrow I get to the bookstore, as I am looking forward to going there. After I write this, I will probably be done with academics for the rest of the day. I am glad that I got to write here today. Now I am off, but I wish the reader well. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, December 16 2001

 

Today has been a just satisfactory day. The reason that I say this is because Aristotle was kind of disappointing. I started it today, and I found it kind of

 

boring. There just was not much of substance in it, yet some parts were interesting. I exercised today for about a half hour. I walked on the River Trail, and I passed one man who was walking with weights in his hands. Today the sky is blue and nice, and it is really cold. Yesterday I had a wonderful day, for I got to go to the bookstore and to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I bought seven books at the bookstore, where I really liked looking through the different books. An attractive woman with nice shoes smiled at me when I entered the store. Her shoes looked like bowling shoes in the quick glance that I got of them, when I passed her. She had a nice smile, and she was attractive, like I said.

In the Politics, Aristotle talks of the different uses of a shoe. One use is to wear it, and the other is to trade it. The River Trail was really beautiful today, and the marsh is for the most part frozen over. I had a pleasant surprise yesterday in that Popee was able to play ping-pong, and I played three games yesterday.

Christmas is fast approaching. I had two small pieces of chocolate cake that Mamaw made yesterday, and she said that she made it with cocoa. I did not sleep as well as I would have liked last night. There was little on television last night, and there was no college football that I knew of that was on yesterday.

There was professional football on, but that is kind of boring. Like I said, I was kind of disappointed with Aristotle, yet I will try to read through the book. I just will not get too much Aristotle in the future. Yesterday I got books by Hegel, Shakespeare, Darwin, Hume, and Spinoza, and I got what seem to be some good books although I am not sure about that before I start reading them. I also got Aristotle, but that has been a slight disappointment. I should tell about my visit yesterday. My family discussed moving.

Mamaw asked Popee how he would like living in Florida, and he said that he would like that. Mamaw mentioned that my dad could work at a community college or Florida State University. I contributed to the discussion by saying that I would like to take special-education classes. I was trying to be funny, and my family laughed. I mentioned whether Mamaw would like to live in West Palm Beach, Florida, where I would like to live, and she said that she would not like to live there though I do like that town very much.

Today the sun is out a lot, and I see some shadows of trees on the lawn. I did not write yesterday, but I am glad that I am writing today. My mom went to see Mamaw and Popee today. Christmas is fast approaching, and I am looking forward to it. Right now I am wearing my Nike Air Maxes, some khaki pants from Banana Republic, and a green button-down from Abercrombie and Fitch. I guess that I look pretty handsome. I am glad that I went to the bookstore yesterday. I have a psychiatrist appointment this Wednesday, and then I will have some time off from going there. I miss listening to music very much. There will hopefully be something decent on television today. The Aristotle book is not too long really.

Going to the bookstore and Mamaw and Popee’s yesterday was a big positive occurrence to me, and yesterday was a gigantic day in my terms.

 

Anyway, I hope that there will be something decent on television today. I wonder when the national championship for football will be between the University of Miami and the University of Nebraska, and I am hoping that the University of Miami will win the championship. Now my time is about up. I have got to end this entry. I hope that the reader is looking forward to a good Christmas, and I am looking forward to a good Christmas. I hope that the reader is all right.

Christmas will soon be here. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Monday, December 17 2001

 

I did not read Aristotle today, but I did read Hegel’s The Philosophy of History. This book is dense, and I want to finish Aristotle, so I think that I will stick with Aristotle for the time being. Hegel is quite difficult to read if one is not a philosopher. Yesterday was a disaster as far as watching television was concerned, and I kept having to turn the channel like every half an hour because a movie ended. I saw the endings of about three movie yesterday, and by the ending I mean about the last half hour. Today the sky is silver.

My mom is at work, and my dad is here. I made a mistake today as far as my exercising went. I walked instead of riding my bike, and this was a mistake. I walked because I feared that the rain, which I had seen before, might make my riding tough, but when I was all dressed for walking, the slight sprinkle had almost stopped. Yet I went on the walk because I was dressed for it. When I was testing the rain as it was sprinkling, I was not out long enough because I saw a person in a yellow rain coat at the next-door neighbor’s house and got scared. I did not want to be seen while standing outside. Anyway, Wednesday I have a psychiatrist appointment.

My walk was pretty good, and there was no one on the River Trail. Maybe the cold weather kept people away from the trail though I do not understand how the weather can keep people away from such a nice trail. The Hegel book talked about the difference between being self-conscious and the reason apparent in nature for such thing as the orbit of the earth (and about how the orbit follows laws). I thought that this is kind of the difference between on the one hand acting as one in a family or for one’s own benefit and on the other hand acting for a country.

Hegel is quite a dense and deep writer, and Aristotle is much easier to understand. I wonder if there are any significant developments in Afghanistan lately though I should not care about events over there. I did not see anyone walking on the road today. I will bet that Loomis and Trinity College are out for vacation by now. Here I am at home without any school behind me. I wonder if I will ever in my life return to a college. Trinity College is such a fine college. I would not even mind going to the University of Connecticut as long as I went to some college. Christmas is coming up very soon, and Christmas Eve is a week from today. I hope that I make it over to Mamaw and Popee’s for that occasion.

 

I will bet that for Christmas I will get a lot of clothes, and I probably will get some nice clothes too. I think that my sister is coming home a week from today. I see a squirrel in my yard, and there are many of them at the River Trail. I put a piece of something like clay art on my window sill. I got this piece of art from the Metropolitan Museum of Art store at the Westfarms Mall for about twenty dollars. The plaque is of a woman breastfeeding her baby and of a man leaning on a pillar with a beard and with what looks like a toga.

The day is kind of gloomy though I am not gloomy, and I do not mind gloomy days. Anyway, yesterday I watched some football. That game is pretty boring. I still am happy from Saturday when I went to the bookstore, for I am glad that I got some new books. I really wonder what I will get for Christmas, and I hope that I like what I get. I really must stop this recent habit of thinking too much about myself. Today was really challenging, for first I was exhausted in the morning because of the medicine. Then I had trouble getting myself out to jog, yet I pulled through with not many scratches.

There are still many brown leaves on the lawn. I guess that Loomis does not pick up the leaves on the lawn. Now is the time to conclude this entry. I am glad that I got to write this today, for today I averted a disaster. I was close to giving up my academics for today and doing who knows what, but things worked out in the end. I wish the reader well, and I hope that he or she stays strong in his or her schedule. Without doing stuff, life is not worth living. I hope that I will be able to keep writing this week, and I have to admit that the prospect of Christmas coming up makes me glad. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, December 18 2001

 

Today was a tough day because I was not totally up for doing my schedule. Yet I did do the schedule, after all, thus I pulled through. Popee had to go to the hospital today because he had a pain in his side, and he could not get up. My mom told me this. Mamaw was with him in the ambulance. This is sad news. I know that Popee does not want to be in an ambulance or at a hospital. I wonder what caused the pain in his side. Tomorrow I have a psychiatrist appointment.

Right now I have an obsession that tells me to delete this entry, but I must not give in to it. Anyway, I read Hegel for about fifty-five minutes today, and I rode my bike for about a half hour. I might have to have dinner later today if my parents stay at the hospital for a long time, and I do not mind that if it makes Popee feel better to have company. Over most other things, I wish that I had some friends, and I think that friends are fun to have. I hope that Popee does not have to stay in the hospital.

I had a superb bike ride today though I was kind of slow riding, but I did not see anyone on the River Trail. I am glad that I rode my bike today. The book The Philosophy of History is a fine book though I have to read it slowly. The book is deep, and one has to read it slowly. Hegel thinks that the aim of world history

 

is to achieve freedom, and by that word he means the freedom of the spirit. There are many more unique and deep ideas in his book. There is a squirrel on the tree outside my window. Today the sky is blue and white with some clouds.

The sun is shining, and so the day is bright. My mom said that she did not think that Popee’s condition was serious. I kind of do not feel like writing this entry today, but I am forcing myself to. I kind of feel down. I feel a lot of stress at keeping up a schedule, but I know how important it is. As Hegel would say, one has to make many sacrifices to reach the aim of freedom. Hegel likes the words abstract and concrete that I learned in a program for keen minds in elementary school. I remember the teacher in this Alert class asking the students, many of whom I was friends with, whether they knew what the words meant.

These two words mean a lot to me, for they hold this memory. The Alert class was for the brightest kids at Clover Street Elementary School, and I was one of them. I really liked the Alert class, and I think that another of the students there was Pamela Del Negro. She was nice. Last night I saw part of the movie Titanic, which was pretty decent. I miss the days of Alert class. I remember one day when I was having a debate there, I banged my fist so hard against the table when making my point, as I was all caught up in the debate that I almost broke the table.

I was not mad, but I was having fun and appeared funny in a good way when I smashed my fist on the wooden table. I really hope that Popee is all right, and Mamaw must be having a hard time too. I am always afraid of Popee dying. I hope that he never dies, but that is a reality that I must face. Death is a fact of life. Christmas is fast approaching, and it looks like on Christmas Eve what I get will be, as mom told me last night, a surprise. Today is a beautiful day. My mom seems to think that Popee will be all right. Well, now I have got to end this journal entry. I am looking forward to when I can print out my recent journal entries, for I would be foolish not to print them out. There is a pine tree in the forest that I see that still has its needles, as all pine trees should have. Pine trees withstand the cold winter and do not lose their needles. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Friday, December 21 2001

 

Yesterday was a disaster. Therefore, I was not able to write yesterday. I did go to the psychiatrist appointment on Wednesday though I was lazy and could not read any. I think that on Wednesday I listened to Mozart’s Fifteenth and Seventeenth Piano Concertos; then yesterday I listened to Mozart’s four horn concertos. Yesterday I read for about forty-seven minutes, and I printed out my journal for about forty-two minutes. Today I struggled to do much though I read Hegel for about fifty minutes. I did not read for about an hour because of my obsessions. The obsessions were tied to reality, though, for I really did not have a pair of socks to wear.

 

I rode my bike today in this really cold weather for about a half hour. So, I guess that the last time that I wrote here was on Tuesday. That is too bad even though I really only missed one day. Today is extremely cold, and it was very windy too. I labored on my bike in the wind. I saw only two people on the River Trail today. I was extremely irritated yesterday and today about things in general. I just was angry and confused.

I really did not and do not want to fall into a big bout of not doing things right before Christmas Eve. I do not want to be absent on Christmas Eve in other words. Things have been quite tough ever since Wednesday, but I hope that I can go to Mamaw and Popee’s house for Christmas Eve. I am still reading Hegel, who is kind of interesting but kind of boring. Also, I disagree with his view that the state is more important than the individual. He stakes out his claim in all-right terms, but I just do not agree with him. He might just be another cog in the machine, which he likely learned if he went to college and which I do not know about him but guess that he went there.

As far as Popee’s health goes, he is all right, and his sideache was nothing serious. He is back home now, but I think that he has trouble getting around the house. At least I hope that there is nothing wrong with his side. He was sent home from the hospital. Right now I am wearing my exercise clothes. The Hegel book is very long, and I hope that I can maintain a schedule so that I can tackle it head on. I can see a squirrel in the yard. The Hegel book is called The Philosophy of History. My mom went to see Mamaw and Popee today.

The day was a beautiful day with the sun out, and it looked deceptively warm. Yet the wind showed how cold it was. I think that I will write for about forty minutes today since I only read for about fifty minutes today. I really do hope that I will be able to keep up a decent schedule. I really struggled with the bike on some parts of my ride today. So, Christmas Eve is on Monday night, and I wonder what presents I will get. I do not have a psychiatrist appointment next week. I really hope that I will be able to attend Christmas Eve at Mamaw and Popee’s house. Things are annoying sometimes, but one has to get through them with grace. I do not know what my future holds, and whether I will be able to keep up this journal in the near future. Today might be a fluke, and I might not be able to write much next week. When troubles come upon me, they last about a week or two. I hope that this time they will have lasted two days, and then tomorrow maybe I can get back into a schedule.

At the psychiatrist appointment, James Bozzuto asked me about Othello, The Taming of the Shrew, and The Philosophy of History, and I told him about them. I told him about Hegel’s idea of freedom and about the shrew, Katherine, in Shakespeare. I was there for about twenty-six minutes, and then for the rest of the day I did not do anything except clean my room. Well, now is the time to end this extended entry. I usually do not write this long, and maybe it will help the view the reader has of me for missing the entry yesterday. Anyway, tomorrow I hope that I will be able to keep up a schedule and then go to Christmas Eve. I

 

must also, as they say, look on the bright side of things. Today is a beautiful day, and I am glad that I rode my bike. So, now I am off. I wish the reader fine tidings, and I really hope that I will be able to write in the near and far future.

Now I will go after an extended entry. I wish the reader well. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, December 22 2001

 

Today I was able to keep up a schedule. This fact is a big relief for me, for it increases my chances of going to Mamaw and Popee’s for Christmas Eve.

Today I read Hegel for about an hour, and I rode my bike for about a half hour. Hegel is going all right though some times I wish that he would write in an easier style. In some sentences he is really hard to understand and quite complex. He is a good source of vocabulary though, as he uses many different words in his dialectic. I do not really know what dialectic means though it sounded well in that last sentence. The word might mean philosophy or erudite method of writing. Last night, Mamaw sent me a postcard in which she said that she would like to see me more often. The card itself was very nice, and Mamaw wrote a fine message to me.

She said that the family would have a nice Christmas and that she would make a nice fire. Mamaw wanted me to play fast and furious ping-pong, as she put it, with Popee. I hope that I can get over there on Christmas Eve. Today was warmer than yesterday, it seems. I was not as cold today on my bike ride as I was on my bike ride yesterday. I did pass a woman on the River Trail. I also passed a woman near the tobacco fields. I think that the first one whom I saw I was wearing gloves. I noticed that the second woman was wearing expensive athletic shoes, black jeans, and a headband. I did not analyze her clothes, but I just noticed naturally the clothes that those women were wearing. Anyway, I had a decent bike ride though I did not go as fast as I wanted to. I wonder if I will ever finish Hegel.

The task ahead of me to finish Hegel is daunting. The book is just so long even though I expect that it is a fine book. Maybe I should have picked out shorter books at the bookstore the last time that I went. I am still reading Hegel’s long introduction to the book. I do not know how much value to place on Hegel’s theory of universal history. This view is very optimistic for a race that owns nuclear weapons. He thinks that consciousness expands as time goes on, but these days consciousness is utterly warped and manipulated by the television and by, most of all, computers. People cannot reach a higher plane through giving in to the temptation of idleness and sloth that the present-day technologies advocate.

I am looking forward to Christmas Eve. I will probably get a lot of clothes.

I do not mind getting clothes. I already have a lot of nice clothes too. I heard from my mom that my aunt Jane is coming up for Christmas. This is mixed news. I probably will be a lot more nervous with her around, for I am not used to

 

her being around. I wish that my mom told me before last night that Jane was coming so that I could be prepared to meet her. There are only two days till Christmas Eve. The tree that my parents got is not real, but at least it is in the living room today. Now the tree has to be decorated. I wonder when my sister will be home, and I think that she will be here on Christmas Eve. Then she will be around for a while, and then she might go with my dad to Italy.

Yesterday in the afternoon I saw an interesting swim meet on television. Swimming can be an exciting sport to watch. This was a big meet, and it took place in the state of New York. Anyway, I was kind of slow on my bike ride today. This was kind of disappointing, but I had a good ride otherwise. The day is quite beautiful. The sun is out, and the sky is not gloomy. I noticed that the small pond near the dog pound was frozen with a thin layer of ice on top of it. I remember now a golf course that I went to in Hartford when I was into taking pictures. There was an area there with a no-skating sign on it, skating meant to mean ice skating.

There was a big mansion-type building next to the course, and I took the Saab to this golf course. At that time I was driving by myself though my morals were quite bad. I do not know where the camera that I used at that golf course is now, and I wish that I still had that camera that was mine though I still have those pictures. I think that I even took a picture of that no-skating sign. The day had a lot of fog. I am not sure what that golf course was called though I liked the mansion there. I think that I was in awe of it when I was there, and that was when I was in awe of material possessions though it is different now. Now is the time to conclude this journal entry. After I write this, I will probably be done with academics for the rest of the day. Of course, I wish the reader well. I hope that I get to go to Mamaw and Popee’s for Christmas Eve. Now I must go because time is up. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, December 23 2001

 

Today I have had a good day so far. I was able to read Hegel for about an hour, and I also was able to exercise for about a half hour. Hegel is so hard to understand, though, for his writing is so complex and even dense and abstruse at times. I can pick up the basic gist of what he is saying sometimes in his examples of, for instance, the state of certain countries. I do not know where my parents are now, and they have been out all day, it seems. Last night my parents got into a huge fight, which was hard for me to bear. This fight was pretty major. I feel bad when my parents fight. My dad was in one of his crazy moods that he has at rare times, and he just does not communicate when this terrible mood comes upon him. They really fought a lot last night. I was right in the middle of it, for I was right near them. I was watching television in the living room.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and I hope that I will be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow night. I had an all-right walk today though- for better or

 

for worse- I figuratively bumped into a lot of people on my exercising. I passed Ronald Marchetti, who was washing his car in his driveway. On the River Trail, I passed a man who was jogging and who had some contraption on his waist that held some water. On the trail I passed a woman who kept smiling my way and who said “Hello” to me. I passed a woman and a man. In this couple the man was walking a short way behind the woman, but I do not thus know if they were a couple.

I also saw Daniel Marchetti on my way home. So, I saw a lot of people today. I see a squirrel right now, and it is probably not a person. I wonder when my sister will get home. I wonder when Jane will get to Mamaw and Popee’s house in Hartford. Maybe my parents were out to pick up my aunt Jane from the airport. Hegel is so tough to understand, and sometimes he is so abstract that he seems just to be flinging words together to see how they sound.

Hegel was quite difficult for me today, yet I do seem to get his basic premise about universal history, as he calls it. He thinks that in history people eventually will realize their potential and that the goal of history is for people to be free and, consequently, to have freedom. I might not write tomorrow since tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I hope that I will be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow night. Today is a beautiful day, and it seemed warmer today than yesterday. Still it is quite cold out. The sky has some different shades in it today.

At the horizon the sky is light pink, and then right above the horizon the sky is a beautiful beige color. Then above the beige the sky turns baby blue with some white clouds. I say white clouds because clouds can be gray. I wonder if Hegel will get easier once the introduction that I am reading now is over, and I am getting towards the end of the introduction now. If sometime I do actually finish the Hegel book, then that would be a huge accomplishment for me that would make me feel better about not finishing that book on Hirohito. I think that my parents are getting ready for Christmas today. I think that they are over their fight now, for I heard them talking regularly while writing now. Anyway, last night I think that my mom was wrapping presents.

I must say that I am looking forward to Christmas Eve. My time is about up for this journal entry. I hope that the reader is happy. I feel for all those who are unable to get presents, and sometime in the future I would like to donate money to those in need of presents and to become a philanthropist. I just do not have the money now to give to people. So, tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I wish the reader fine tidings, and I hope that he or she has a fine Christmas. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, December 25 2001

 

Today is warmer than usual, and I did not wear my jacket exercising. I wore a T-shirt, the new Nike long-sleeved white T-shirt that I got for Christmas

 

Eve last night, and a white sweatshirt. Last night I went for Christmas Eve at Mamaw and Popee’s house. I saw my sister, who was home from Spain, and I saw Jane too. Popee was upstairs in bed, but I talked to him some. He seemed all right when I was talking to him. My family is now having dinner over at Mamaw and Popee’s house although I did not decide to go. They were planning on eating at around two. I saw some people on the River Trail today.

I am wearing a new shirt that I got for Christmas Eve. The shirt’s brand is Izod, which I believe is connected with those Izod Lacoste shirts that I used to like and that Popee would wear nearly all the time. Popee’s face looked very frail yesterday, and I noticed how frail he seemed though I did not say anything about this. Mamaw got some nice sweaters. I almost did not go to Mamaw and Popee’s yesterday because I had been upset by the fight that my mom and dad had had. So all those things caused much stress, and at some point yesterday and for a little after I had decided not to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house for Christmas Eve. Yet I did get over there, and I saw my sister and my aunt Jane.

My mom said that my sister will be home for about a month, and I wonder if after that she will go to Spain. I read Hegel today for about an hour, and when I got onto a new section in the introduction, this new section was boring and kind of offensive to the Native Americans. Hegel insulted the physical capacity of the Native Americans, whom I always thought were rather good physically with hunting and all. Anyway, the new section talked about geography and about how men can only build lasting cultures in regions that were not too hot or too cold.

This seems obvious to me. The section on geography was kind of boring though I liked the part on how Hegel thought that North America had much potential for the future of philosophy. He thought that now, though, it was yet to be settled by many people. The reader should note that Hegel was writing in the nineteenth century, or at least I think that he was writing at that time.

Today is a beautiful day. Of course, I realize that it is Christmas Day, but I did not feel like going over to Mamaw and Popee’s house for dinner. I wanted to stay here and read some, and before the geography lesson, Hegel’s writing was very interesting. I do not know why he decided to write on such a mundane and extraneous topic as geography. I saw Daniel Marchetti jogging on the River Trail today, and he wore a blue coat and some black running pants. I wonder how his Christmas Eve was. Today I wore my new Nike long-sleeved shirt, which I got last night from my mom and dad. I got a lot of decent things last night, and by decent I mean fine.

Mamaw and Popee gave me a B.D. Baggies long-sleeved button-down and twenty dollars. My aunt Carol gave me a twenty-dollar check. I hope that I can keep up a schedule. Today really is a beautiful day, and the sky is a wonderful color especially at the horizon. I think that my entire family had a nice Christmas Eve last night, and I did have a good Christmas Eve. Today for lunch I ate three gingerbread cookies that I got in my stocking. Of course, this was not the only thing that I ate, for I also had a peanut butter and honey sandwich and a

 

banana. I am glad that I got to read today. Now is the time to end this journal entry. The new year is fast approaching, and I am looking forward to that. When I finish this entry I will probably be finished with academics for the rest of the day. Now is about the time to go. I wish the reader a good Christmas, and I hope that he or she got some presents. If the reader did not get any presents, I still wish him or her a fine Christmas. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, December 27 2001

 

I might try to translate Tchaikovsky’s opera Eugene Onegin. Yesterday with some of my Christmas money I bought Russian, Italian, and German dictionaries. Yesterday I went to the library and got out some operas, but I probably will not be able to translate them all. My translating is coming along well, and I translated for about an hour today. I miss reading Hegel. I exercised for about a half hour today. I passed a really fine-looking lass, who dressed well. Also, she was jogging so that means that she was athletic. She asked how I was, and I said “Good.” She passed me twice on the trail. She was fine-looking. I passed two women and their white dog, which might have been a husky.

I might not get to read about German grammar if I stick with the Tchaikovsky. Today is extremely cold. I did not want to ride my bike because it was so cold. I was comfortable though on my walk and jog today, and I was out for a total of about a half hour. I wonder when classes begin for the second semester at Trinity College, and I wish that I could be there. The Russian is going well. So far, I have not had trouble translating Tchaikovsky, for the most part, though it is slow going.

For Christmas I got a Grundig shortwave radio, and I do like this present.

Last night there was some boring radio show in England, and I think that I might have been hearing the BBC. I am not sure what that stands for, but it is a huge radio station that is located in England. Today really is a beautiful day though it is very cold. When I started my jog, I had to put my hands in my jacket sleeves.

Well, I am glad that I have some Russian to translate, but I really do not remember too many words from the Russian class at Trinity College. I do remember the grammar, though, so I can translate now with the fine Russian dictionary that I bought yesterday. Now is the time to end this entry. I am glad that I did get to write today. At times like these, I wish that I was away at college, where there might be a semblance of peace. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Friday, December 28 2001

 

Today has been pretty good. I was able to translate for about an hour, and I also was able to jog straight through for about a half hour. The fact that I was able to jog was a pleasant surprise. I never thought that I would be able to jog for about a half hour while on this medicine. The Russian is going all right, but I

 

have doubts about the competence of the translator. I have doubts about how the translator translated the Russian into English. In one instance, he did not even capitalize the letter after a period. God has really helped me lately to find some peace. He has been there for me, and His grace shows through. I hope that He will continue to be there for me, as He has helped me a lot. He truly is wonderful, and I look up to Him now very much.

I do like my Russian dictionary. Fortunately, I was trained well in Russian at Trinity College. All that I have to do is look up words. I think that the translator got some sentences messed up. There was talk of how in style the sergeant was, but the translator made the girl say that she was in style. Moreover, instead of the good phrase “in style,” the translator said the term “fashionably dressed,” which is not good grammatically. So, there seem to be flaws in the translation given of the Russian.

I cannot believe that I was able to jog for about a half hour today: I do not know where I got all that energy from. I ran a loop of the River Trail, and then I jogged some down Broad Street. I passed an old couple, on the River Trail, whom I had never seen before. Today is cold, but it is not too cold. Tomorrow I would, therefore, like to ride my bike. I mean if today is as cold as tomorrow, then I would want to ride my bike, as the weather is manageable. Anyway, last night I translated Russian for about a half hour. Then I listened some to the shortwave radio before my sister got home.

Popee was put in a nursing home yesterday, but I do not think that he is going to be there permanently. My mom was out a lot yesterday to help transport Popee to a nursing home. Some of the stuff here has a lot of fat and just is no good. I stayed up really late last night, and I do not want to do that again. I miss reading Hegel.

This swooning in bed is awful, and I feel so confused when in this stupor. I barely even know where I am, and I have all of these strange thoughts. I am just so tired that strange thoughts come to me. Fortunately, this only happens early in the day. I remember that at Trinity College, when I got home from classes, I was often extremely tired, and I would go into a stupor in bed for about an hour sometimes. I could not even stay up. I wish that I was off of this medicine entirely, and there has to be a better medicine than this. I miss reading, and the translator of Tchaikovsky’s Eugene Onegin is terrible in my opinion. I am wearing my Nike Air Max shoes, some Dockers green pants, and a B.D. Baggies jean shirt that was so in style in the 1980s.

In the 1980s jean jackets were the fad, and they had to be Levi’s. Now the company is barely doing business. I am pretty sure that I had a jean jacket in elementary school. I miss Trinity College very much. I miss classes and seeing people my age. Of course, now I am much older than the people at Trinity College. I still could pass as a student, though, as I think that I have already gone through the equivalent of two years there. I wonder if I will ever return there,

 

and I certainly hope that I do return there. I hope that my sister does not stay out late tonight.

At this time of the year there are not many people on the River Trail: I guess that people like to stay home in the cold weather. Now is the time to end this entry. I hope that the reader does not have as much stress on him or her as I seem to do these days. Today is a beautiful day. I wonder if it will snow soon.

The news these days is only sad. Anyway, now is the time to go. I wish the reader fine tidings, and maybe I will be able to keep up this journal while my sister is home. Bye bye.

 

Monday, December 31 2001

 

Today is the final day of 2001, and tomorrow will be the first of January in 2002. I guess that Popee is not doing too well. The doctors are thinking about putting a pacemaker in him because of his irregular heartbeat though I doubt that Popee needs one. Last night my mom stayed over at Mamaw and Popee’s house. Mamaw was not feeling well yesterday. My aunt Ann is coming to Connecticut today. So, there is a lot of stuff going on. I wish that Popee was in better health. Today I read Hegel for about an hour, and I rode my bike in the cold for about a half hour.

Now I am writing here in my journal. My shortwave radio is not working well, but I am afraid to ask my parents to bring it back. I translated Tchaikovsky last night for about an hour. However, I was disappointed after that, when I listened to the introduction and the first part of the opera, because I could not follow the Russian singers’ voices. They sang too fast. I understood about two minutes’ worth of the first part, but then I could not follow the rest. In other words, I had actually translated more than I could follow from the voices. I suppose that I am kind of rusty with this journal writing. After all, I have been prevented from doing what I want.

In Hegel today, I finished the introduction, and I got to the actual book entitled, of course, The Philosophy of History. I do, however, disagree with Hegel about his view of the Africans, whom he sees as vicious and as cannibals. I think that some Africans are pure and free of the snares of modern society. By these

Africans, I mean those tribes where there is not much urban sprawl. Anyway, the Tchaikovsky translating went pretty well, but I just wish that I could understand the actual opera. I do not, therefore, think that I will keep translating Tchaikovsky.

I listened to a shortwave radio show that was quite interesting, when I heard the show from turning the tuning knob often. The show was about science, and the most interesting thing that I learnt from it were some facts about the avocado. The people also talked about gravity, light, and what would happen if one jumped into a hole that went through the earth. The signal was far from

 

clear. That is, however, the kind of show that I would like to listen to on a shortwave radio. The show said that the avocado grew on trees in the tropics. I doubt that I will stay up tonight to watch “the ball drop,” as they say.

I am going to be twenty-five years old pretty soon, as my birthday is on January 19. Now is the time to quit this entry. I hope that the reader is in good health. I hope that Popee eventually gets home. I hope that the reader does not get too mad at me for my lapse in my journal of late, for I had a good reason to stop writing. I never plan on letting up my purpose in writing, and I hope that I can continue writing well into my later years. In any case, now is about the time to quit this entry for today. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, January 1 2002

 

Today I had a decent day, and I find this surprising since I was not able to keep up a decent schedule as far as academics are concerned. What I mean by this is that I did not read Hegel today. Right now is right after dinner. Today I had fun listening to some Mendelssohn overtures and to the first CD of Henry Purcell’s The Faerie Queene. I used the headphones that came with my shortwave radio to listen to the CDs on my computer. I did do some reading though today, for I followed along the parts in the Purcell work. Fortunately, the words were in English. I liked The Faerie Queene very much though one small part was onerous. So, I got in some music today. I have a psychiatrist appointment on Thursday.

My aunt Ann is in town. So now is the year 2002. Right now it is pitch black outside. There are, however, some lights on the road that light up the air. I put my Russian dictionary back in my bookcase today, for I am done with that for now. I will have it if I need it in the future. The book was only $10.95. The publisher is Dover, which is also the publisher for the Hegel book that I am reading. They are a fine publishing house, as they say. So, I followed along with the Purcell text, and there are two CDs comprising the full story. I really did like what I heard today, which was about half of the story. There was some wonderful imagination on the part of Henry Purcell, who composed in the seventeenth century. The music sounds much like the baroque music of that time, and it is about fairies in enchanted places. My shortwave radio might work all right as long as I hold the radio. This holding seems to help with the reception.

I might not have to bring the radio back. I wonder how much this radio costs. The radio is very small, and it is made by Grundig. My dad had a Grundig, but the shortwave part of it broke. I feel extremely glad to be writing now, for things are looking up now. My mom is not feeling too well right now, and I do not think that she will go to Mamaw and Popee’s tonight. Obviously, I hope that she is not getting sick.

She was at Wheaton College last night to celebrate New Year’s night. I have a psychiatrist appointment on Thursday with James Bozzuto. Today I did

 

exercise. I rode my bike for about a half hour in the bitter cold. Today was bitter cold, and I was uncomfortable for much of my ride because of the cold. I was freezing, and only at the end of my ride did I warm up. To make matters worse, the wind was biting and freezing cold. So, tomorrow I think that I should jog and walk for exercise. I was so cold on my bike ride today.

There were tons of people on the River Trail today, and I was so surprised that there were so many people on it. I got stuck behind one family, and a woman there wished me a Happy New Year’s. I did like the Mendelssohn overtures, so it appears as if I have some good CDs to listen to in the near future. I hope that my mom is not sick. She might be sick in the bathroom right now, but maybe she is not. Lately, it seems as if my entire family has fallen ill. Now is the time to end this journal entry. I wish the reader well. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, January 5 2002

 

I am glad to be writing here. I have been keeping myself occupied though, unfortunately, I have to admit that things have been quite tough. Today I went to a nursing home to see Popee, and I saw Mamaw there too. Mamaw was with him today. Popee looked weak. Mamaw stayed with him past the time that I spent with him. Popee recently had an operation to put a pacemaker in. I shook Popee’s hand when I first saw him. I did not get to exercise today, yet I did get to study some Italian for about a half an hour. I recently went to the Windsor Library and got some new CDs. Yesterday I worked on my Italian by going through some Verdi. I listened to an hour of Verdi and read the English while comparing it to the Italian.

I listened to Verdi’s Aida for about an hour yesterday. I am glad to be writing this now. Yesterday I studied Italian from a Berlitz book for about a half hour, and I also jogged and walked for a total of a half an hour. Today I studied from the new Oxford dictionary which I recently got and which I like more than the Berlitz book. I did make it today to the nursing home to see Popee. There was another person in the room whom Mamaw introduced me to and whom I shook hands with, like the family members before me. I think that the man’s name is Richard. I went to my psychiatrist appointment on Thursday, and I told James Bozzuto about how I was listening to operas. I have to say that this one particular partial opera has been on my mind for a while.

I really like the piece by Henry Purcell called The Faerie Queene. The piece is superb, and all total it comprises about two hours and twenty minutes. I have listened to it one and a half times. There are two CDs, and I listened to both and then to the first CD again. I did not, however, listen to it all at once. I followed along with the English when listening to it, and it was in English. I have not been able to read, and I miss reading. Listening to music is a pretty good substitute when there are words to read or to translate. I do like the opera Aida, and I was

 

able to follow along with the Italian pretty well for someone who does not yet know the language.

Today I was at the nursing home for a while, and I think that Popee was in room ten. There were a lot of old people there, and were some just sitting there in their wheelchairs. Mamaw said that there were some weird-looking people there, and I feel bad for many of the people there. I hope that Popee will eventually come home to Hartford. I am glad that I saw Mamaw and Popee today. I did not, however, see my aunt Ann today because she had some stomach problems that prevented her from going.

My mom got new shoes today. She asked me whether I liked them, and I said that I did not. Unfortunately, she might have felt bad that I said this.

Mamaw stayed with Popee today for a very long time. As I was saying, I really liked the piece The Faerie Queene by Henry Purcell. There is a particular song that I like a lot and that I have been repeating in my head a lot. The piece goes something like “if love is a sweet passion, then why does it torment… if a bitter, tell my whence comes my content.”

My getting to listen to Mendelssohn overtures recently I might have mentioned in my last entry on Tuesday. My birthday is in two weeks. I am so glad to be writing here tonight, and it looks like tonight I will have some peace. I think that on Tuesday I have to talk to someone about why I am out of work. I guess that I have to talk to this person before I get money for not working because of my illness. I saw a lot of people in that nursing home today, and many did not look too happy though I might have the wrong impression.

I have been exercising regularly, and on one occasion recently I saw two attractive young women on the trail. I guess that I am blushing now. I hope that in the future I can have some friends, and maybe I will have them sometime.

Well, now I have got to finish this entry. I am glad that I did write here today. Right now I am writing at night, and it is pitch black outside. I am off now, but I wish the reader fine tidings and hope that the reader is in good health. I hope that the reader finds ways to stay in good health too. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, January 15 2002

 

I have been debating what to do with myself lately, and it has been tough to decide. Yesterday and today I studied some Italian, but I think that I might stop that from now on. I brought back the Verdi CD to the library last night, and I do not have any other opera CDs that could interest me. So, I might be through with Italian for the time. I did listen a lot to Aida, and I liked that opera a lot. I have been reading from the language part of my Italian dictionary for about a half hour a day. I have been exercising for about a half hour each day. Also, I have been listening to Aida for about an hour each day and translating from Italian to English as the singers sing.

 

I have not been reading except for the grammar rules in the Italian dictionary. On Saturday at the nursing home I saw Popee, who seemed in fine health. I saw my aunt Carol too, and I helped her bring a TV into the nursing home. I mentioned how heavy it was for me. Carol is strong because she did not complain about bringing it in. So, I have been doing things lately, but I was unable to write or read. Now maybe I will be able to do stuff again. Yesterday I had a psychiatrist appointment, and the psychiatrist still asks me a lot of questions. The opera Aida was a fine opera.

Carol looked healthy, and she has a fine job in Missouri. I have not been reading, and I do miss reading a lot. Today I exercised for about a half hour. I walked on the River Trail. I have been exercising every day pretty much. I have been to see Mamaw and Popee regularly. I have been able to keep up a schedule though it involves a lot of Italian, but I think that from now on I will quit the Italian bit. The last time that I wrote here was on January 5 on a Saturday. So, I am rusty, and it has been a while. I guess that I could start up writing here again, and the break might have been worthwhile though it probably was not.

I am wearing my Nikes, my navy-blue khakis, and a shirt that I got from Mamaw and Popee. I hope that Popee is doing well at the nursing home. He has to wear those blue clothes that one wears in the hospital, and this stinks for him. So, at least I got some use out of my Italian dictionary. I got less use out of my Russian dictionary. I barely looked in my German dictionary at all. The opera Aida was about the Ethiopian slave Aida, who was in love with an Egyptian named Radames. Ethiopia was at war with Egypt. Aida was in Egypt and was an Ethiopian. She was in Egypt as a slave. Amneris was also in love with Radames, but Aida was the only one whose love was reciprocated, as they say.

In the end, the hero Radames and the slave girl Aida were put in a huge tomb to die. Actually, Radames was put in a tomb because the Egyptians called him a traitor. Aida hid herself there because she thought that that fate might happen to Radames. So, Radames and Aida were finally together and, unfortunately, were to die together. The Italian language in terms of verbs is much different from the English language though the nouns are similar.

There are those confusing auxiliary verbs, and I do not know when to use the auxiliary verbs except when the word have is used. When there is the word have in a sentence, then an auxiliary verb is used. For instance, an auxiliary verb would be used in the sentence “I have written a letter.” The first three persons in the singular are o, i, and a though with some verbs the third person singular a becomes an e. The infinitive of the first type is the same as the infinitive form in Latin.

I found out that German is a very hard language. In Italian the definite article varies depending on the word following it. For example, most times the masculine definite article is il, which comes before a masculine noun that does not begin with a vowel. The feminine definite article is la. The masculine indefinite article is uno, while the feminine is una. For both the masculine and

 

feminine in the definite and indefinite article there are other forms though they are less common than the forms that I gave. The masculine singular nouns end mostly in o, while the feminine nouns end mostly in a. There is a whole lot to learn with Italian. I do like the language though it can be tedious and boring.

Today is a beautiful day though it is very cold.

I just did not want to listen to Rossini’s The Barber of Seville today. I looked quickly at the English translation, and it seemed very boring. I have been under a lot of stress to try to find something to do. I almost listened to Rossini today, but that would have been a mistake. I liked Aida, but I do not think that I will like Rossini. I took this opera out from the Windsor Library, where I have been often and probably too often. I have often asked for some Verdi CDs to listen to, but nobody would go out and get them for me. So, now I am returning to my journal, and I think that this is a good idea.

Today I am probably going to write for about an hour, but starting tomorrow I guess that I will write for about a half an hour a day, as before in my journal entries. Popee asked me on Saturday if I had any new books lately. I said “Yes,” and I mentioned the dictionaries that I had bought. He asked me who the publisher of my Russian dictionary was, and I said “Dover.” He then said that he had not heard of that. I started the Puccini opera Tosca, which was the worst piece of music that I had heard in a long time. The opera was very poor, and I was very depressed after I had heard it. I hope that this hiatus from my journal will not hurt it very much. Virginia Woolf skipped around a lot, and I guess that I can skip around a little bit myself if I want. I saw some people on the River Trail today, and an old man said “Hello” to me. I have not seen much that was good on television, except for watching most of a movie called The Fifth Element, which I thought was very well done. The movie was on the Science Fiction Channel.

My birthday is coming up. This Saturday is my birthday, and I would like to have a cake over at Mamaw and Popee’s house. I only wish that Popee could be there to celebrate it with me. At the nursing home Saturday, Carol was making a fine arrangement of pictures for Popee’s room. I am glad that I am writing here today, and it feels good to get back into it. I guess that I will get back into Hegel tomorrow; I would like to read from English for a change.

I think that I really did learn a lot about the Italian language. I read the whole grammar section from the Italian dictionary that I have. Yesterday I listened to some of The Faerie Queene by Henry Purcell, and I studied Italian for about a half hour from the grammar book. Now I have to write the conclusion to this entry. I am glad that I am back into the groove. Well, for now I am off, yet before I go, I would like to wish the reader fine tidings and to have them keep reading my journal. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, January 16 2002

 

I have my birthday on Saturday. Today I read Hegel for about an hour, and I exercised for about a half hour. I was swooning in my bed today before I read.

Today it is very cold as usual. I saw some people on the River Trail. A man passed me on the River Trail and asked me how I was, and I replied “Good.” I want to return to my old schedule. I saw a lot of Loomis kids on my jog to the River Trail. So, I guess that I am through with the Italian language for now. I hope that I will not be interrupted while writing this entry. I hate swooning in bed, for my thoughts are so out there when I do so. My thoughts are thoughts that one would have when very tired. I try to pull my thoughts together in bed when I am like that though they go away in time, and I am left alert and smart.

The Hegel book is going well, and I am reading about China right now.

The Chinese had civilization way before Europe, it seems. I need a haircut, as my bangs are too long. I learned that word from my mom, for she always used to refer to her bangs, when she was talking about getting a haircut. I still have that opera Aida in my head. I think that it is good that I am back writing. I feel good writing here, and it is nice to be back. I have been watching television at night as usual. There has not been much good stuff on television though it suffices. I liked watching part of that movie The Fifth Element. Today on my exercising I wore my Nike Air Maxes, my blue Trinity College pants, a T-shirt, a long-sleeved shirt, a sweatshirt, and a jacket, and I wore layers today because it was so cold.

I am glad that I understood Hegel today, for there was a danger that I would not understand it from being away from it for about three weeks though I do not necessarily agree with Hegel on all of his theories. He really thinks that Germany is “all that,” so to speak. He thinks that present Germany is the culmination of the entire world history up to that point. Hegel was writing a while ago. Sometimes one can tell that he wrote a while ago, for in one instance he was not sure of the present population of China and had to guess the amount. So, there might not have been a census back then though I do not even know if there is a census now in China; there probably is. I have a current obsession that I cannot read Hegel, and the obsessions are too complicated to explain. Suffice it to say, I hope that this obsession does not impede my ability to read this fine book. Well, my dad recently picked me up two CDs.

He got me Verdi’s Aida, but there was no Italian to English translation included. So, the CD is all but worthless unless someday I find myself taking up Italian and am able to speak the Italian language fluently. I am curious to know the subject matter, which I would hope would be interesting, of Verdi’s other operas. I do respect Verdi, for I did like the opera Aida. I really do hope that I will be able to continue reading Hegel’s The Philosophy of History. If not, this would cause me to be under some stress.

My birthday is this Saturday, and I hope that I will be in good spirits then. I think that my sister has a membership at Gold’s Gym. I did have a good walk today though there was a guy in back of me who passed me that was annoying. I do not like it when people are right in back of me. I hope that tonight goes

 

smoothly. Now I have got to conclude this entry. I wish the reader well, and I hope that the reader continues to read my journal. Right now I am off. I am now back writing in my journal, and I hope that I can continue to write here regularly. Being back writing entries again is a good feeling. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, January 17 2002

 

I just recently came home from exercising. Today started off very badly, for I was swooning in bed for so long. I was in a terrible state, yet things have picked up since then. Today I have read Hegel for about an hour. I do like the book, but it is kind of a depressing one. Today is a beautiful day. I did not have to wear my jacket on my jog and walk. I exercised for about a half hour today. I should say that I owe God a lot for allowing me to prosper. I look up to Him and His grace, and I hope that I will always look up to Him. I think that He has helped me to get where I am with His care. I just must always do the right things for Him.

Hegel is a decent writer, but I do not know about his theories. I really hated when I was swooning today, and I still hate it. This medicine really tires me. It is a good thing that I was able to read Hegel today without any interruptions. Hegel was talking about the Chinese, and he was essentially insulting them a lot. He was insulting when he said that they did not have good astronomers or painters. He said that the Chinese were all right at copying paintings but that they could not paint their own. He said that the Chinese paintings were poor and not up to the standards of, say, British paintings.

He also insulted Chinese writing, pointing out how one Chinese character can mean many things. This causes me not to want to learn the Chinese language in a way. I had been really interested in finding out about the Chinese language. I have not been to Loomis in a really long time, and I guess that I miss it some though that is being indefinite about it. My birthday is coming up on this Saturday, and I wonder if I will have a cake for it.

I am going to be twenty-five years old. When one is around twenty-seven, one loses one’s physical edge. I have lost that ever since I got psychotic and went on some medicine. To say the least, right now I am tired, yet my mind seems sharp. My mind seems as sharp as a razor. So, in two days I am going to be twenty-five. I only wish that Popee were home instead of at a nursing home.

Carol is back in Missouri now. It is maddening that I did not get to see Ann, though, but I did see Jane. She was doing her knitting when I saw her in the nursing home, and I wonder what Ann does in her spare time. So today I have written for three days in a row, and I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow too. I wonder what my parents will get me for a present though I might seem kind of greedy by saying this.

I wish that I had more energy to exercise, for it is hard on me only being able to jog a short distance and then to walk. So, I am back to my journal writing and to the regular half-hour entries. On Tuesday, however, I wrote for about an

 

hour. Anyway, right now I am wearing Nike socks, some green pants, and a new Adidas white T-shirt with some futuristic Adidas design in gray on the front and on the back of the shirt. I wonder where my sister is now. I must absolutely try to get up earlier tomorrow than I did today. I got up far too late today, and that is not good for my health. I need a haircut.

Now is the time to end this journal entry. I am glad that I wrote today. I wish the reader fine tidings. I hope that the reader continues reading here, for I think that there are good things ahead for me. Well, I hope that I will continue reading Hegel even if he is tough on other cultures. So, now is the time to go. I will probably not do any more academics today. I have not listened much to my shortwave radio, for I guess that that does not interest me too much. Today really is a beautiful day. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Friday, January 18 2002

 

I just recently got home from exercising. I feel kind of tired for some reason, and I might be coming down with a cold. I guess that my mom is not feeling too well today, for she stayed home from work. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I do not know if my mom will be well enough to celebrate it. I wonder what is wrong with my mom. Last night for dinner I had some fish and rice. Last night I had a lot of stress over my clothes, and this stress was something that I should not have had but for my anxiety. Today I read Hegel for about an hour.

He was talking about people from India and about how the caste system worked. The Indians are very harsh, to say the least, with their punishments on people.

Indians were allowed to have more than one wife. An Indian man who was of the highest caste would have to first marry a woman in that highest caste before he married women of lower castes. Hegel thought that the Indian nation was in a dream state but that they were in a better state than the Chinese. Today is quite cold, and I needed to wear my jacket for exercising.

I do not know what I will do for my birthday tomorrow. I wonder how Popee is doing in the nursing home. From what Hegel said about the Indians, they seem to be akin to barbarians with little respect for human life. They also seemed like nihilists, for they would try to deprive themselves of all external stimuli. I hope that my mom feels better soon so that I can celebrate my birthday. My mornings have been hard lately, for I swoon a lot in bed. Also, I seem to have limited energy on my walks. I wish that I was able to run even if for only about fifteen minutes, and then I could walk the other fifteen minutes. Yet I find that even doing that is too much for me.

Today the sun is out, and the sky is blue. There are some neat shadows on the lawn in the front yard. I am reminded now of a paper that I wrote in English in my second year at Loomis. I wrote about how the sun sent pixels of light onto the floor in that enchanted realm. The paper was about ten pages long, and it

 

was a fantasy tale. I only got an A- on the paper, though, and I wondered why I did not get an A. Still, maybe my grammar was lacking.

The Hegel book is not too difficult to read, and it is much easier than the introduction, which was at times difficult to grasp. I wonder what Hegel will say about his fellow Germans, but I will bet that he will glorify Germany. I might get some of these thoughts about racism from James Bozzuto, who told me that Hegel might be a racist. Ever since he told me this, I cannot seem to get that idea out of my mind, for better or for worse. Anyway, Hegel is a decent writer. I guess that my sister is going to return to college in early February.

Today really is a beautiful day, only I wish that my mom was not sick. I myself might be coming down with something because I feel kind of tired, but I am optimistic about my health. I do not have the guts to ask for something for my birthday, and my obsessions get in the way of this. Well, now I am through with the opera Aida. I wonder if Aida is a common name for an Ethiopian or if the name was given to her by the Egyptians who held her. I wonder also if there was truly ever a war between the Egyptians and the Ethiopians. I mean I wonder whether Verdi wrote from historical fact. I see a black cat in the backyard, and maybe now I will have some bad luck.

So, tomorrow is my birthday, and I hope that I do have a good one. I hope that eventually I will be able to finish the Hegel book. I wonder how life at Loomis Chaffee is getting on. Tomorrow should be fun. Now I have got to conclude this entry. I certainly hope that my mom gets better, and I hope that the reader is in fine health both mentally and physically. One can truly improve one’s physical and mental health by being strong. There are a lot of cars going to and from Loomis, as I guess that place is bustling with Loomis people. I wonder when Loomis has a spring break. Now I have got to go. I am glad that I got to write today. I am off, fair reader. I will probably not write tomorrow, but will probably keep writing in the future. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, January 19 2002

 

Today is my birthday. Unfortunately, I was not able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house today because my mom was not feeling well enough to go. Right now it is snowing lightly out. I just recently got home from exercising. Today had a rough start with me swooning and all, yet I was able to read Hegel for about an hour. Hegel got difficult towards the end of my reading today. I saw some Loomis girls when I was jogging to the River Trail, and I think that they had some groceries. So, they must have been boarders.

Hegel can be kind of boring. I am glad that it is snowing out, for I have not seen snow in a while. I only saw one person on the River Trail today, and he was walking a distance behind me. My room needs a cleaning by a vacuum. The stuffing from my stuffed animal is around my bed, which makes it look messy, unfortunately. So, today is my birthday, and I will probably celebrate it with my

 

family tomorrow instead of today. The weather is quite cold, as it has to be to make snow.

I doubt that there will be any buildup of snow, for it is only snowing quite lightly. I am surprised that my mom is still sick today. I thought that she might be ready to go to Mamaw and Popee’s today for my birthday. I wonder if Loomis had school today. I wonder how Popee is doing right now in the nursing home, and I am hopeful that he will come home again. I hope that he will be able to walk again. Today early on was quite difficult, for I was swooning in my bed. Yet without this swooning I doubt that I could read, write, or keep a schedule. So, that swooning has a positive side too. Anyway, I hope that I will be able to do this entry all right. On my walk today, I do not know where that guy behind me came from. He seemed to come out of nowhere. I did enjoy the snow. The snow was not too hard to bother me on my walking and jogging though I really did miss my bicycling today. I have a lot more fun bicycling than walking and jogging.

I wonder how my bike is holding up, and if it has developed some rust on it. I wonder if my mom is starting to feel better now. I do not know how serious this ailment was, but it has lasted for a while now. Usually my mom gets over sickness faster is what I mean. I wonder if I will ever get through Hegel. Right now he is still talking about India and the Indians. I hope that the snow does not come down harder, for then it might hinder driving tomorrow. I had my last psychiatrist appointment on Monday, and I have my next psychiatrist appointment this Wednesday. I still need to get a haircut and to bring back those CDs to the Windsor Public Library. My watching a lot of television every day I do not mind too much.

There is not much on the news except for the collapse of the big company Enron. I do not care much about Enron, yet there it is on the news, the collapse of formerly the seventh biggest company in the United States. I wonder how Popee is doing today, and I will bet that he wants to get home as soon as possible. I certainly hope that he does, indeed, get home soon. Of late I have had some inane obsessions, which really make my head spin, yet somehow my mind and body adapt to these obsessions to make them in time less potent. There seems to be an antidote for these obsessions. The antidote always seems to apply itself to me too, which I am, of course, glad of.

So, today is my birthday. There have not been any huge celebrations of yet.

I will then celebrate now, wish myself a belated birthday, and be glad that I am healthy and calm. I certainly seem to be relatively happy, and this is not the Zyprexa speaking. Every day my dealing with the tiredness of Zyprexa is not easy to do. I certainly am glad to be alive. Now I have to write my conclusion. I will probably celebrate my birthday at Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. Right now I have got to end this entry. I wish the reader fine tidings as always, and I hope that the reader is calm and collected. I would also appreciate from the reader a nice birthday greeting to me, and I am acting comedic in this sense. In

 

any case, I have got to split. It is good that this entry was not interrupted much. Now I am off. I wish the reader well. Bye bye.

 

Monday, January 21 2002

 

Today it is snowing very heavily. My sister was at Wheaton College yesterday, so she could not make it to my party at Mamaw and Popee’s house. Yesterday I had a cake for my birthday, which was on Saturday but which could not be celebrated that day. I got some money from my grandparents and some Verdi stuff from my parents. Mamaw took a picture of me blowing out the candles. The cake was an ice-cream cake. I even saw Popee yesterday at the nursing home. It kind of stinks that Popee has to sit in a chair all day. I do not think that he likes it much at the nursing home. He was watching Henman and Bjorkman play at the Australian Open. Mamaw visits him a lot. I got two Verdi operas and a Verdi book for my party yesterday. I did not get to exercise yesterday, and it is unfortunate that I will probably not get to exercise today because of the heavy snow. I miss exercising. At the nursing home, I showed Popee the CDs that I got for my birthday.

Popee has many pictures up in his room there of his family. I told Mamaw yesterday that I had a good party. I asked her whether she had a book to read, but she said that she would read when she got more organized. She is kind to go to see Popee for such long periods of time. Popee has to sit in a chair, and if he goes out of his bed, an alarm will go off. This seems like a barbarian practice.

Right now it is snowing really hard. Today I read Hegel for about fifty-seven minutes. My dad said yesterday that he thought that Hegel was extremely difficult, but I do not find him too difficult and still less plausible. He was a genius, but he is hypocritical when he says that the Indians have a good language from going into thought but that they do not have much else good, when Hegel himself has good language but far-fetched ideas. I still have good dreams, and I remember many of them in the morning when I get up. The snow is really coming down hard, and I hope that it stops soon so that I can have a good night’s sleep, like I did last night. I slept quite well last night. There were no loud snow trucks keeping me up.

I have not seen anyone walking in this weather, and I think that it would be a mistake if I went out in it. Yet without exercising, I am at a loss with how to replace my exercise time. I saw some kids trying to sled down the hill in the backyard, but they gave that up pretty quickly. I saw one kid with a snowboard. I remember going down Christopher Merrill’s hill in back of his house with sleds, and how much fun that was. I had some fun over there when I was a child.

Yesterday I saw some people gathered at the hill at Elizabeth Park in Hartford, and I yearned to be among those people though in a way I was glad that I was not there. I had an antithesis of feeling about going, as Hegel would say. Now Hegel is talking about the Persians. A lot of what Hegel says is very interesting and

 

original, and he obviously was a near genius. Yet one of his postulates bothers me, and this is when he thinks that people should live for the state. This in my mind makes me think that he is just another cog in the machine of the world, a person who does not hold his own good ideas. Therefore, he likely holds the views of those philosophers who went before him, and lives in a way which is not the way a true individual would live. Individuality for me is a fine thing to have, and it is especially rare these days. So, Hegel might not have been much of an individual. He does, however, seem to have a pretty positive view of the fine things in the world.

On Saturday evening, I saw the part of the movie The Fifth Element that I had not seen before. So, now I have seen all of this movie, which is likely one of my favorite movies, and I am surprised at how fine it was. Well, I am about through with my entry for today, and I am just annoyed that I cannot exercise today because of the intense snow. I hope that I will be able to write an entry tomorrow. I wonder if I will ever finish the Hegel book. This snow can be beautiful and, at the same time, annoying as Helen Keller found out about nature being both beautiful and terrible. I am referring to what she wrote in her book The Story of My Life though I do not have much to complain of. Well, now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, January 22 2002

 

Last night was very difficult for me. I was woken up in the middle of the night by some annoying trucks, which I guess were dealing with the snow. Today I read for about forty-nine minutes, and I decided to take about ten minutes off of my reading today because I did not sleep as well as I would have liked to last night. That is the second time that those trucks have kept me up recently. I read Hegel today, and fortunately I was able to exercise, as the roads were clean.

There was not much ice or snow on them. I exercised for about a half hour today.

I read about the Persians in Hegel. Yesterday, soon after I finished the journal entry, I worked on this computer to organize my journal files, and I put labels on the disks. I also punched holes in some pages of my journal for lack of anything else that I wanted to do. Fortunately, today I was able to get out to jog and walk. The day is uncharacteristically warm, and I did not need my jacket.

Snow covers the ground in my yard. On my walk today, I saw a young jogger, and he was wearing an Abercrombie and Fitch long-sleeved T-shirt and, I think, some black Adidas jogging pants. I saw some people on my walk today.

One man looked disoriented, for he kept stumbling. When I passed him, he stopped and looked at me. He was a frightening sight. I passed another man by the train tracks. I could not go on the River Trail today because there was too much snow on the trail that had not been cleared off. I seem to be getting fatter by the day, so I should probably watch my diet. Yesterday I had a lot of cheese

 

and some walnuts, which did not help. The day before I had a piece of ice-cream cake. So, I should work on improving my weight through my diet though what really is the problem is this Zyprexa.

Today was really a beautiful day. The sun is out, and it is not too cold. The streets are in surprisingly good condition. I hope that tonight there are no trucks that will keep me up, so I hope that it will not snow tonight. I often think about returning to Trinity College, but it seems that I just cannot do so on this medicine. If I were to go, I think that I would need to be on more medicine, and that in itself would be no fun. I found out yesterday that I have up till about September something of last year printed out in my binder, so I am pretty up to date actually.

Hegel does not seem as much a philosopher as a historian, who retells what one has learned in books, but I admit that some parts do show some philosophy. He really does tell a lot of facts, like the geographical area where Syria lies and what the religious culture and customs are of different peoples. The Syrians, Persians, and Babylonians are mentioned, and the Bible is taken by Hegel for historical fact, as I also guess that he did not read Darwin’s The Origin of the Species. Maybe that book had not come out yet. Now is the time to end this journal entry. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow, so I probably will not write tomorrow. I hope that I have a good rest of the day. I have had a good day so far, and for the rest of the day I will probably relax by watching television. I am wearing some Woolrich khaki pants and a Florida State football T-shirt. I still need a haircut. Well, now I am off. I hope that the reader is doing well. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, January 29 2002

 

I have not written because I cannot seem to concentrate here when I put on the fan, as I found out last week. Things have been chaotic here since last Tuesday, when I wrote last. Lately, I have had a hard time doing anything, and my schedule has fallen apart. Now, however, I might be picking up the pieces. I did not get to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house over the weekend, and I did not make my psychiatrist appointment today. So, things have not been easy for me lately. Maybe my not being able to read or write hurt me, yet I had a bright spot yesterday when I went for a bike ride for about an hour. The weather was very nice for a bike ride and was quite warm.

Today I got a haircut, read some Italian for about a half hour, and then listened to the opera Rigoletto for about an hour with following along in the Italian and the English. I did, however, have a lot of stress while listening to the music because I had a psychiatrist appointment today. I called to cancel the appointment. I just did not want to go today because I had not been feeling too well, and I wanted to try to keep up a schedule today. It is a relief that I felt pretty well today. Yesterday I had a great bike ride, and then I listened to Verdi’s

 

Rigoletto for about an hour. I am translating that opera now. Things are going pretty well with the opera though I had trouble concentrating today because of the added stress of having to cancel a psychiatrist appointment. So, I did not get to see Popee over the weekend. That my new appointment is for next Friday has already caused me plenty of grief because it means that I might not be able to go to see Mamaw and Popee that weekend, thus this psychiatrist thus causes me a lot of grief.

So, I have not written since last Tuesday, and I have not been able to read much. On Sunday I went to the bookstore, and I bought a Henry Purcell CD called Dido and Aeneas. I did listen to it, and it was a fine CD except for the end when Dido dies- that part is boring. Today, like I said, I got my haircut. I have been translating Verdi’s Rigoletto, and I have heard the entire opera. In the end the hunchback Rigoletto’s daughter, Gilda, dies at the hands of the man whom Rigoletto hired to kill the duke.

Gilda had fallen in love with the duke, but Rigoletto showed Gilda how the duke drank too much and was wanton with women, as Gilda saw through a crack in the wall to the wine place. Gilda still loved him, though, and Rigoletto hired a man to kill the duke. There is a very famous, well-known part in Rigoletto in which the duke talks about women. I mean that the music is well known though many people in the United States would probably not know in English what the words mean. Not much has happened in the news, and there is still a lot of talk about that boring company Enron.

I did like that Henry Purcell CD Dido and Aeneas though it does not stay truthful to Virgil’s the Aeneid, and the ending too is extremely boring though the rest I do like very much. I think that I like The Faerie Queene by Henry Purcell better though. Right now it is night, and all is dark except for those lamps on the street at certain intervals. I have not even thought much about writing in this journal because I have concentrated on doing music. This shows how because of this medicine, I seem to lose track of things. My mind is somewhere else on this medicine.

As I get totally involved in music, I lose track of what is really important, and time goes by so fast. I hope that I will be able to return to the schedule, which includes reading Hegel and writing in my journal. I hope that I will be able to keep up my journal in the future, and I do not know of a reason why I should stop writing in my journal.

I have also been having good dreams a lot. Now I have got to write my conclusion to this about half-hour entry. I am glad that I got to write here today, and I urge the reader to stay with me because I have a lot of fine entries ahead of me. I wonder how Popee is doing in the nursing home and how Mamaw is doing at home. Well, I have been sporadic in my writing, but I hope that I will be able to write well later. I am off now. I wish the reader well as always, and I hope that I will be able to see the reader soon, maybe next week. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, January 31 2002

 

I just recently got home from a walk. Today it was and maybe still is raining lightly. I feel awfully tired right now. I think that I have a cold, which might get worse. I feel depressed and tired from the medicine. Today I translated Italian for about a half hour, and I brought back the CDs to the library on my walk. I walked for about thirty-two minutes. I am not sure when my sister is returning to Spain. I feel so tired right now. I translated some of Verdi’s Rigoletto today for about a half hour. I feel so tired. I feel very tired in the morning.

Last night was an especially bad night for television, for there was not much on. There was no one on the River Trail today, for no one had the courage to go out there. People are afraid of the rain and the cold, as if that is something to be afraid of. Right now it is gray out, and the sun is nowhere to be found. I am wearing some Nikes, some Calvin Klein blue pants, and a B.D. Baggies button- down shirt that is primarily blue. I am wearing a lot of blue right now. I had not planned on writing today, but I guess that I figured that I could get an entry in today. I will try to write today for about fifty-five minutes.

I got further along in Verdi today, and translating is not too hard though there were a couple spots where I could not get anywhere. Today is very cold, and I had to wear a sweater and a jacket over my button-down to keep warm. I hope that I am not coming down with a bad cold. My mom has a bad one. I just feel lethargic today. I feel like a sloth, which is an extremely slow creature.

Yesterday I translated Italian for about a half hour, rode my bike for about a half hour, and listened to Verdi for about fifty minutes. I did not just listen to Verdi passively, though, for I translated as the singers sang.

I miss reading Hegel, and I am annoyed at how late I get up. Also, I started translating too late today at about 12:43 P.M. I do not like to start that late. My mom did not go to work today, and I do not think that she went to work yesterday either. Today is really cold, and I had to wear gloves to keep my hands warm enough. I feel disappointed that I have not been able to write regularly in my journal, but today at least I was able to keep up a schedule. There is nothing good on on the news. There is only talk of war and of the economy. The war drags on, and the economy has conflicting reports nearly every day.

I wonder when my sister will leave for Spain. Her birthday is coming up very soon, and I think that the family will be able to celebrate it before she goes away. I have to admit that translating Italian is tedious as compared with reading Hegel. In other words, I would much rather read Hegel than translated Italian from a libretto. I use my Italian dictionary, which also has the grammar rules in it. The grammar rules are pretty well done and exhausting. There is a good word that has some double meaning. The word can mean “thorough” and just plain tired. Right now I am exhausted, for I am very tired. The dictionary has exhaustive grammar rules. I have not used my German and Russian dictionaries

 

much. I have to end this entry here. So, I am off now early, but at least I have written about thirty-five minutes. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, February 6 2002

 

My sister left for Spain today. I read Hegel today for about forty-nine minutes. I feel better now as I had been feeling awfully sick for about the past week. I had a terrible cold that kept me up at night and rendered me inoperable. Today I read Hegel, and now I am on the Greek world, as he calls it. I have finished with the Oriental world. I think that both the words Orient and Occident should be capitalized, but I am not sure of it. The reason that I think this is because they denote East and West. Today on my about ten-minute walk, a car came by, and the driver asked me if I was still in school. He asked me some questions, and I just answered the first couple and then walked by him. I guess that I just did not want to get into a discussion with him. He seemed pretty nice.

Yesterday afternoon I saw the end of a movie called The Last Dragon that I loved when younger, and I still like the movie a lot. Today is quite cold.

Yesterday I listened to Henry Purcell’s Dido and Aeneas and was disappointed in it, for it was so slow and boring. So, the outcome of Henry Purcell is still up in the air. I feel much better today. I have been feeling awfully sick lately. In fact, the whole family has been feeling sick lately. My dad and mom have been sick, and my mom has been sick twice even. I am off now. I look forward to an academic schedule from now on. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, February 7 2002

 

I feel constantly better as regards my cold. I slept well last night. Today I read Hegel for about an hour, and I walked for about ten minutes. The day is quite cold, and it seems even colder because of my cold. My body felt so frail on my walk today. I hope that tomorrow I will be able to do about a twenty-minute walk. My mom is unfortunately not feeling well, and she went to the doctor’s office today. Also, I hope that I will be able to read and write regularly. I still feel somewhat queasy. I do not know if I am up for this entry, but I think that I should be all right. I wonder what my mom has.

My mom talked on the phone with Mamaw today. I really want to see my grandparents this weekend, but I do not know if I will be well enough to. I seem to be well enough to read and to write though. I did not feel too well on my walk. Physical exercise still seems like it will be tough for me. I feel kind of tired right now, and I will be glad when I finish this entry. I feel kind of hot. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich today for lunch, but I was not able to eat anything else.

Right now I feel kind of hot though I do not know what this is from. I hope that my mom feels better soon so that she can return to work and not be worried about work. I seem to be getting better every day. Hegel called being sick like

 

being in a delirium, and I guess that he is right. I cannot seem to have much rational thought when I am sick. Anyway, my using the spell check has thrown me off course now. I was not sure how to spell delirium, but now I know. Hegel is very smart though he was not a Classics scholar like me, as one can tell in his talking about the Greek world.

He does not seem at home when talking of Greece. I take back that, though, about a Classics scholar because he might indeed have been a Classics scholar, yet he seems to be more into philosophy. He seems to really like Germany a lot. Pretty soon the Olympics are coming to Utah, and I will bet that the Russians will get the most medals there. If not the Russians, maybe the United States. The Russians are powers, though, and they have a cold environment, as Hegel might say when making classifications of geography.

There used to be cossacks in Russia, and there are some stories made about these cossacks.

My body really needs some exercise, but more than that it needs rest. I have a psychiatrist appointment for tomorrow, but I doubt if I will go because I still have some trouble getting out. Last night there was little on as far as the news was concerned. There is still the war in Afghanistan though there is little fighting. There is the Enron bankruptcy talked about. Nothing of interest is on. The news is boring, unfortunately. I feel awfully tired right now, and I think that my mind has just shut down on me. I am certainly starting to feel better, and I wonder when my mom will start feeling better so that she can return to work.

I am overtired right now, and I am looking forward to watching some television. I doubt if I will go to the psychiatrist appointment tomorrow, but I might go. I am glad that I got to write today. For breakfast I had Honey Comb cereal and orange juice. I have got to conclude this entry for today. I feel pretty tired right now, and my mind is like nothing. Yet I got in much of the entry with a good mind. I am off, but I will likely see the reader tomorrow. As always, I wish the reader fine tidings. I am off now though. Bye bye.

 

Friday, February 8 2002

 

The day has been disappointing because I have not been able to do much of anything. Today I felt tired and hot, and I was not able to read much. All that I did today was work on some puzzles in a puzzle book. Now, however, I feel like writing here. I did not even get out to take a walk today; I just did not feel too well today. I am writing here after dinner; I had a huge hamburger. I hope that it did not have too much fat in it though it probably did. I was not able to read Hegel today though I tried to. I was also not able to walk though I tried this too. I was just able to do those puzzles for about an hour, and they were pretty difficult. I finished a maze. Right now it is pitch black outside. I hope that I feel all right tomorrow.

 

I miss Mamaw and Popee very much, and I will bet that they miss me as well. I want to get back on track with my journal entries. I wonder if there will be anything decent on television tonight. I will bet that tomorrow I will be able to read and stuff. I think that tomorrow will be better than today. I went out today a little just to get some fresh air, but I only was out for about a couple of minutes. I can see many cars streaming out from Loomis Chaffee. I wonder if I will ever finish the Hegel book, and I still have a long way to go in that book. I am a little over halfway through it. There was little good on television this afternoon, but I saw an episode of “Walker, Texas Ranger.” I hope that I do eventually finish the Hegel book. That puzzle book was decent though some of the puzzles were either too difficult or too easy. My sister got me the thin book for my birthday. My sister is now in Spain, and she got there without any problems.

I hope that she has a fine semester there in Spain. So, I did not go to the psychiatrist appointment today. I just did not feel well, and thus I had a good excuse. My body needs some exercise. I have not exercised enough lately. I need to get outside and exercise again, which I undoubtedly will do. This journal has fallen by the wayside, and I must keep it up now. I know that I did not do much today, but I just have not been feeling too well. In a way I sort of got a relapse of my former illness, yet I do not think that I will get sick again. I hope that James Bozzuto does not call me while I am writing this entry, for I do not want to get interrupted. I think that my dad went to some meeting at Loomis today.

I miss my grandparents tremendously. I wonder how Popee is doing at the nursing home, and I really want to see him. I heard my mom say on the phone that he does not much like the food there, and it is too bad that he does not. I miss Mamaw, and I want to hear her voice. I tried walking today, but my body was just not up for it though the day was lovely and beautiful today with wonderfully crisp air and the sun out a lot. I hope that there will be something decent on television tonight.

I still plan on printing out this journal in May sometime. I do not want to fall behind. Also, I am going to have to write here regularly in order to feel good about this journal. Tomorrow is Saturday, and I would usually go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. Yet I do not really feel up to par, at least not yet, so I doubt that I will go tomorrow. I am glad that I wrote here tonight even if I am writing in a kind of vacuum. I hope that tomorrow I can get back into the swing of things.

Well, now I am off. I really do hope that the reader is in fine health. I hope that the reader is acting virtuously and honorably as always, as there is a knight’s code to be followed here. Out now is a new Apple, which is supposed to be an all-in- one-type thing. Well, now I have got to go. I hope that I will be able to write here tomorrow. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, February 9 2002

 

I just recently got home from a walk. I feel kind of hot right now, and not totally healthy yet. I do not think that I am totally recovered from my illness. I read Hegel for about an hour today. I did not understand as much as I wanted though, for it was difficult. Hegel keeps talking about how the Greeks did not have something, which I cannot seem to identify, to put them on the par with the Germans. He also talked about how the Greek religion had something wanting as compared with Christianity. Right now the winter Olympics are going on, and I doubt that the United States will be very good though it should help some they are going on in the United States.

My mom went to see Popee today at the nursing home, and I wanted to go because I miss Popee very much and because I have not seen him in weeks. I guess that Mamaw is not feeling very well, and I feel bad that she has an illness. I wonder how my mom feels, whether she has totally gotten over her cold. I walked to the River Trail today, and I walked for about twenty minutes. Today I read for about fifty-eight minutes. Today is quite cold, and I wore my green J. Crew jacket on my walk. At the beginning of the walk I was cold, but I warmed up some.

I have not seen Popee in a long time. I saw a couple of people on the River Trail today, and one of them said “Hello” to me. The River Trail was beautiful on the bridge, where I could see that marsh though it smelled. The ice was melting in the marsh. I did not get far enough to see the Farmington River. Like I said before, Hegel is getting very difficult. He uses the terms subjective, objective, concrete, and abstract so often that it is hard to see what he means by them. As far as I know, he thinks that one has to have an antithesis between nature and the spiritual in order to get anywhere. The ultimate is to be an individual and to make up one’s own rules for the state. Hegel has the notion of living for the state, thus being totally free.

Yet in living for the state, one becomes a total individual. The Greeks got beyond mere nature, mere ocean and sun. They came up with gods, who had a spiritual essence. Their gods illuminated the human part of nature, and the human part of nature is lifted up to the divine. The Greeks had the spiritual nature of the pantheon of gods defeat the merely natural Titans. Hegel says that the Greeks made the gods out to be kind of human, but that Christianity is better because there God is even more human.

I hope that spring comes fast and soon, and I am looking forward to the warm air. I am looking forward to the beautiful trees coming out and to some wonderful flowers in the garden. There are still some brown leaves on the tree outside my window remaining. My mom is still out. Last night for dinner I had a huge hamburger, which was just all right, and I wonder what will be for dinner tonight. Well, it is early February, and soon March will be here. I wonder how my sister is doing in Spain, and I will bet that she is doing all right. Mamaw is not feeling well today, and I wonder how she has been feeling this week.

 

I wonder if Popee will return home anytime soon. I would really like to see him return home, and I miss him obviously. I feel lonely in this house really. I wonder when it will really begin to get warm. I am wearing some white pants from J. Crew right now, and I like them a lot. Well, now I have got to conclude this entry. I wish the reader well, and I hope that the reader is still with me. I might not be totally over this cold yet, as I still feel kind of tired lately. Still, that is no excuse to be lazy. So, I must try not to be lazy. Now I am off, and I probably am done with academics for today. A lot of people have been sick lately in this house, and maybe it has a curse on it. In any case, I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, February 10 2002

 

Right now it is wet out. I was only able to walk for about ten minutes because I just did not feel very well mentally or physically, and I am barely here right now. I just did not feel well today, and all that I could do was read Verdi for about a half hour. I am writing now close to dinner, and I have not had it yet. I felt terrible today, as I was not able to read and was swooning in bed for far too long. Today has been terrible. I did try my hardest to read, but it did not come together. Also, it is depressing that I was not able to see Mamaw and Popee this weekend.

Today I watched some basketball and some Olympics, both of which are boring. I do not know why I went back to Italian today, but I can assure the reader that it was probably only a temporary thing. I had been thinking about reading Shakespeare too. Right now it is cold and wet out. It is harsh that I might be able to return to a regular exercise routine only when the spring comes. Today it is pitiful that I was only out for about ten minutes. The Olympics are on now, but they are kind of boring. I wish that I was out for a longer time today, as I miss exercising a lot. I just did not feel up for exercising about a half hour today. I miss that, and I hope that I will be able to do stuff in the spring. Maybe I am not better yet. Today I felt absolutely terrible.

I could not read Hegel. I did not even feel like going out to walk much. I translated Rigoletto for about a half hour. So, I am behind both mentally and physically. I really want to get back on track, but I do not know when that will be. I miss doing things in a schedule. The sun is nowhere to be seen right now.

Well, I saw a decent movie yesterday called The Jewel of the Nile, which I had seen before when I was young, and I do like this movie. I wonder why I was not able to walk much today. Also, I have an idea why I was not able to read. I just got up so late that it seemed too late to read. I can see a lot of fog outside of my window right now. I hope that tomorrow turns out to be better than today; I had an awful day today.

I wonder how the United States is doing in the Olympics. Since I am part Italian, I wonder how the Italians are doing. Italy won the first gold medal of the games. I cannot wait until the springtime, and maybe then things might pick up.

 

I really still want to finish the Hegel book. I am glad that I am writing here, and I only wish that things could go more smoothly for me. I wonder what will be on television tonight. My getting up far too late today might have thrown me off. I hate getting up late and swooning in bed, but that seems to be the rule rather than the exception lately.

I do like this computer very much, as it has stuck with me through the tough times. Therefore, I also like this journal, which has been with me through a lot of tough times. My room is in good shape though I do have some clothes on the floor. I cannot wait until the spring comes, and then maybe I can get some bike riding in. I do like bike riding, and I miss it, come to think of it. I feel less ashamed riding a bike than walking. At least when I am riding my bike, I can pass off as normal, while when I am walking people will think that I am out of shape and not normal. Maybe people would correctly assume that I am on drugs though I want to make a point of saying that I would never do illegal drugs. The drug that I am on, Zyprexa, is a drug though.

I hate the medicine because it makes me less of a human being though I should not say that, and I do not know if I meant it. Right now I can see a lot of fog in the distance. I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight. I feel very alone right now though this journal helps. I miss my grandparents. I hope that the warm weather, which might make it easier to exercise, comes. Now I have got to finish this entry. I am glad that I wrote this today, and this writing really helps to make me feel much better. I do not know where I would be without this journal. I wish the fine reader well, and I hope that he or she continues to search for virtue on his or her path. Virtue is not an easy thing to attain, and I hope that the reader is on the right path. Anyway, I wish the reader fine tidings. I will try to write here tomorrow. I am off now. I hope that the fair reader does well. Bye bye.

 

Monday, February 11 2002

 

I have not been able to exercise today, for I feel so terrible though I do not know what is wrong with me. I think that maybe this medicine is slowing me down terribly, and I just cannot seem to get out there. Today I started a Shakespeare play called Twelfth Night, for I could not read Hegel. My life is falling apart at the seams, but I do not know what is bothering me. I read today for about an hour. There is some frost on the ground now. I wish that I could exercise, and maybe I will walk for about ten minutes after I finish this entry.

The Olympics have been on, and they are all right but nothing special. Twelfth Night is a typical Shakespeare play, bawdy as ever it was. I am glad that I am writing here. The psychiatrist called me today to set up the appointment for Friday, and I told him of my cold, my excuse for not going. I cannot believe that I have an appointment this Friday, as this ruins my chances of seeing my

 

grandparents on the weekend. Today I was swooning in bed a lot, and I cannot believe how late I get up. Today was not too bad though.

I dreamt recently about my old friend Amilca Gomes from the sixth grade. I do not know what I will do for exercising today. I feel so tired. I feel exhausted. Right now it is very cold out. My chest feels heavy. I like Hegel more than Shakespeare, but Shakespeare plays are so short, while Hegel’s book is so long.

For lunch I had a ham sandwich. There was a member of royalty in England who died recently, but I forget her name. I miss the River Trail, as that trail is very beautiful. I feel tired right now and stuffed up in the chest. I do not know if spring will help after all. I do not know what will help, but I certainly hope that I get better soon.

I have at least been faithful to my journal, as I have been writing regularly.

I have not exercised enough, though, and I fear that I will gain weight. Concerning the Olympics, I think that yesterday Austria was leading in the standings, and this surprised me because Austria seems like a very small country. The United States was second in the standings. Anyway, my cleaning my room last night did not take long at all. I hope that I will be able to finish Twelfth Night. I wonder when it will start getting warm out. I feel kind of depressed right now. I miss riding my bicycle. I have just got to hope with this illness, though, as hope is an important thing even in classical mythology.

Schizophrenia is not an easy illness to live with, and my mental health is anything but predictable. I saw something on television in which these researchers were trying to find out from childhood videos the early signs of the illness. I do not think that that is a good idea, and I do not think that one can tell from childhood videos the people who were to develop schizophrenia. This type of research was going on at Emory. My mom is at work today, and I guess that she has gotten over her cold. I wonder if she will visit Popee tonight. I wish that I could see him. I just have a hard time getting outside at night. This illness makes it quite difficult to get out on weeknights. I hate this cold. This medicine makes me so tired in the morning.

I barely was able to read Shakespeare today. I like some of the things that the clown says, especially about the foolish. Now I have got to end this entry. I miss exercising especially, as I mentioned, and it is too bad that I do not have the energy to exercise enough. I am looking forward to the springtime. I remember a trumpet solo that I had in the song “Summertime.” Anyway, that is neither here nor there, as Mamaw would say. I hope that I get in some exercise today.

Now I am off though. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, February 14 2002

 

I just recently got home from exercising. Today I got back on track after a while without a schedule. I am still reading Hegel. I read today for about an hour, and I exercised for about a half hour. Now I am here writing in my journal.

 

Yesterday I watched a lot of television. I did not do too much yesterday, but I got in reading at night for about a half hour. Last night I was reading Hegel. I am now at the very hard to read Roman section in which Hegel talks about Rome.

Yesterday I watched a lot of the Olympics, which can be boring.

Germany is doing very well in the Olympics, as they seem to do well in every event. Today is quite cold, and I had to wear my jacket on my jogging and walking. There were a lot of people on the River Trail today. There was one strange-looking man with dreadlocks, some strange clothes, and a vicious- looking small dog. I passed an old man, who is a regular on the trail, and a middle-aged woman. I also passed an energetic-looking old woman with nice clothes on and a young man with a black coat on. So, I passed a lot of people on the trail today.

Hegel is getting quite difficult, as he is getting more abstract and using less historical examples. These examples are easy to understand because I am familiar with some of them. When he starts talking about philosophy, that is where things get difficult. He talks about how the state represses the individual, but at the same time the individual finds great freedom spiritually and intellectually. So, things are hard to understand. He said this about the Romans, and I suspect that he has something better up his sleeve for the Germans.

Hegel’s first name is Georg, which is the first name of a very decorated German in the Olympics, and I think that the athlete’s name is Georg Hackl. I hope that I will be able to finish The Philosophy of History.

I hope that I am back on track and that I will be able to keep up a schedule for a reasonable amount of time. Last night, when I was down in the dumps, I asked my mom if she thought that I would get better, and she said that she thought that I would. I wonder if I will finish my book. To finish the book, I have to read through the Roman and then the German sections, and I think that the German section is short. I wonder what Hegel would have thought of the television and what many intellectuals before the television was invented would have thought of the television. I wonder what Montaigne would have thought of the television, and I will bet that Montaigne would have become a couch potato like me though I am not really a couch potato.

I do, however, watch a lot of television though I try and like to do other things too. I wonder how much longer the Olympics will be on for. I am writing this entry earlier than I usually would. I am not wearing any socks, and I am still wearing my purple Champion sweatshirt from my walk. I needed that walk, as it made me feel much better. I was feeling kind of dizzy before my walk, but now I feel much better. My dad has been sick lately. I think that Popee is taking Seraquil from what I heard of my mom talking about him, and I hope that that is helping him. I miss him, and I would like to see him back in his house.

I certainly would like to have some friends, and maybe in the future I might have some. Today is a beautiful day though it is quite cold, and I wonder when the warm weather will come. My psychiatrist appointment has been changed from

 

Friday till Wednesday, and that will be all right now that I have finally got a schedule again. I wonder why the Germans seem to do so well in the Olympics.

I have got to end this entry now. I wish the reader well, and I hope that tomorrow I will be able to keep up a schedule. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Friday, February 15 2002

 

I just recently got home from exercising. Today is warmer than yesterday. For lunch today I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a bar of chocolate. I got the chocolate yesterday from my dad, who bought my mom and me something for Valentine’s Day. He got my mom a necklace. I got a Cross pen, a card, and that chocolate. Yet usually Valentine’s Day is only for giving cards in my case to females. I remember exchanging cards with my classmates at Clover Street elementary school. This was one of my favorite days, yet recently I have not had any valentines to give cards to. Yet I must not complain.

On my walk today I had little energy, and I felt like my legs were made of lead. Yet at the end of my exercising I ran a decent pace home. I am wearing some blue J. Crew pants, which fit nicely. I really want to go to see Mamaw and Popee tomorrow, and I hope that I will be able to make it there. My mom is at work now. I miss Mamaw and Popee very much. Today I read Hegel for about fifty-six minutes, and I took four minutes off because of the Valentine’s Day opening of presents last night. So, I read Hegel today, and the book is going well. Hegel talks of a severity among the Romans as opposed to the Greek enthusiastic spirit. Yet I cannot tell if he is praising the Romans for this, or whether he is showing Greece as superior to Rome. I saw that old man on the River Trail, and he carries a cane. I was passed by someone, on a bicycle, who said that he was “coming up on my left.”

Like my mom mentioned recently, there are some flowers coming up in the garden. They are little purple flowers, which might be called crocuses. I hope that I will be able to see my grandparents tomorrow, and I should portion off the entire day to see them. I am glad that I am writing today, and I hope that I will be able to keep writing here regularly. I think that I wrote here yesterday. I wonder if I will ever finish the Hegel book, and I wonder what Hegel writes about the Germans. They are sure doing well in the Olympics. I think that the United States is doing better, but that might change. I wonder if Popee is on Seraquil.

He might be on that medicine though in a way I hope that he is not, and I wonder how he is doing. The chocolate bar tasted good for lunch today even though it had a lot of fat in it.

My obsessions have been bothering me lately. It seems that everything is an obsession, whether it is the dripping of the faucet or trash in the yard that I can see from my window. These obsessions really hack away at my sanity, and they put a lot of stress on me. The Hegel book is going all right, but sometimes he can be really obtuse as opposed to acute. That reminds me of geometry with

 

Alison Beason, which I took my second year at Loomis in the summer, and I got a B+ final grade in it. I did like that subject, and I especially liked the teacher. I saw Alison Beason at night a couple of days ago, when I was not feeling well mentally at all, and she said “Hello” and then my name. Well, now I have got to leave. I wish the reader well. I am looking forward to seeing my grandparents tomorrow. I hope that there will be something good on television this afternoon. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, February 17 2002

 

I had a hard start to my day, for I was too tired even to take a shower. I did eventually take a shower, and I did eventually read Hegel for about an hour. Yet this morning I was extremely tired from the medicine. The big news is that yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house, and Mamaw was doing well. Yet Popee is not doing so well, for he could not open his eyes much. He looked so old when I saw him in the nursing home, and as if he had aged ten years. He is on Seraquil, and I wonder if that is sedating him a lot. I felt so sad seeing him, and I felt like crying. He had a lot of pictures of his family up on his wall. I saw his Trinity College tennis team photograph, which made me sad. He looked much the worse from when I saw him last. Apparently, Mamaw is going to meet with Popee’s doctor tomorrow.

I heard from Mamaw and my mom that this nurse there named Jane is really annoying. For example, my mom asked the nurse why Popee could not open his eyes, and the nurse replied that many patients in the nursing home were like that. I think that that was a mean thing to say. Earlier today, it was snowing some wet snow. Mamaw has to deal with getting rid of her savings account. In order for her to get coverage, she has to have about ninety thousand dollars or less in her account. She has about 230 thousand dollars in her account, so in order to get around ninety thousand, she has to buy a whole lot. This lawyer suggested that she buy a new forty-thousand-dollar car among other things. Mamaw also might fix up her house for a lot, but apparently she cannot buy jewelry. Mamaw mentioned giving her grandchildren and great-grandson gifts.

She might be able to give her seven grandchildren and great-grandson gifts of five hundred dollars each, but I am not totally sure if she can do this. I am surprised that I am even writing here, for things looked bleak earlier in the day.

Things looked very bleak, and I was this close to not doing much of anything today besides watching television. If I had one thing that I wanted to accomplish and that I have not accomplished, it would be to get a degree from Trinity College and to complete the legacy started by Popee. I mean that I would like him to see me graduate from there, yet this illness is holding me back. Right now the sky and everything else including the trees seems a silver color. The sun is

 

obviously out, but it seems not to be seen. The rain and snow has stopped. I saw some ducks today on the River Trail.

I do not know what their totally specific names, like mallard or whatever, are. They had their yellow bills, and I am sure they had their webbed feet. I saw two ducks fly overhead, and one or both had a call, which sounded kind of cool and which was characteristic of a duck call. I also saw some mourning doves and a sparrow. I hope that tomorrow I will be able to read Hegel. I am going along, and I might be finished with the section on Rome pretty soon. I cannot believe that I got through this day, as it was a near disaster. I have a psychiatrist appointment on Wednesday, and I have not gone in a while.

I still think a lot about Trinity College, and I wish that I could be back there in the thick of things. It was kind of surprising that I did not see anyone on the River Trail today. Now I have got to end this entry. I hope that these really annoying obsessions will go away sometime. After I write this, I will probably be through with academics for the rest of the day. I am glad that I got to see Mamaw and Popee yesterday. I hope that I will be able to keep up a schedule, however hard it might be. I am off now. I hope that the reader is doing especially well, and the reader is special to me. I will try to write tomorrow, and I am off now.

Bye bye.

 

Monday, February 18 2002

 

I just recently got home from exercising, and I did a loop of the River Trail.

I was not able to read today because I was so tired. I feel pretty bad right now. My parents went to pick up my aunt Ann at the airport. I felt awful today, for I was not able to do much. My mom went to the hospital last night and stayed over at Mamaw and Popee’s house. Popee had to go to the hospital because, I guess, that he was not getting enough oxygen. On my walk, tons of Loomis kids passed me today. School was over, and they were doing their exercising. I am glad that I am not still at Loomis, in a way, but I miss it in a way too.

Today it is disappointing that I did not get to read; I just could not get myself to read. I saw the nice Mrs. Simon on the trail today, and she pointed out what a beautiful day it was. She was walking her small dog. I really want to return to Trinity College, but I guess that with this illness I will not be able to.

Yet I think that I am just as smart as those other people there. I might not be a fast runner anymore, but I am still pretty smart when I keep a schedule. So, my aunt Ann is coming to Hartford today from Florida. I did not get to see her the last time that she was here. I wonder why lately I have had such a tough time keeping a schedule.

My mom made me dinner, and it is in the refrigerator. Today I mainly watched television. I walked with my regular clothes on for about thirty-two minutes at a decent pace. In other words, I was not limping along as usual as I do earlier on when the medicine has not worn off. I am much quicker at night than

 

I am in the early afternoon. I am writing this now before dinner obviously. I have a psychiatrist appointment on Wednesday, but I do not know if I will be able to get to it though I hope that I do attend. If I complained a lot, James Bozzuto would probably prescribe some medication. So, maybe I should not complain a lot. Yesterday I did a full day, and today I did about a half of a day without the reading.

I saw an Olympic hockey game today with Belarus against the United States, and I think that the United States won 8-1. So, I hope that tomorrow will be more successful than today. Last night I slept poorly because the light was on in my dad’s room, and so I kept wondering if he was still awake. I had to wake him up at around four o’ clock in the morning to ask him if he was still up, and he said that he had forgotten about turning the light off. This was unexpected on my part. Anyway, I did not sleep too well because the light was on. I still wish that I could have kept up a schedule today.

The day was beautiful today though it was still cold. I walked on the River Trail even though my obsessions were telling me not to. There were tons of Loomis people everywhere, and they all were jogging though some stopped to walk before going again. There are some purple flowers coming up in the garden. Now I have got to finish this entry. So, Ann is coming to Hartford because of Popee’s condition. I really do hope that Popee gets better so that he might be able to recognize me. I wonder if I will see Ann while she is up here. I do like Ann. I miss her because unlike Jane and Carol I did not get to see Ann the last time that she was here. So, I hope that she does not hold a grudge against me. Well, I got in this journal entry, so I have not lost hope about this.

Now I have got to go. Bye bye. Tuesday, February 19 2002

Well, last night I had a very tough night. I found out that Popee had died from pneumonia. So, I guess that my hope of him recognizing me is through with. My hopes were dashed. My mom said that he did not die with any pain. I cannot believe that he did not make it, and I miss him already. I cannot believe that he is dead. The funeral is probably on Thursday, according to my mom. I want to go, and I will have to cancel my psychiatrist appointment. I want to be there. In all, today I read Hegel for about fifty-five minutes.

I went on about a half-hour bike ride today. I think that Popee would want me to continue keeping up a schedule. I would not want his death to be an excuse to give up hope and fall into some laziness. Last night I cried a lot in my room, but showed no emotion to my parents. My mom and dad are picking up Jane and Carol at the airport today. Things have been hard on me today, for my obsessions are out of control.

My parents said that they would be home before dinner. Popee’s death has been hard on me, and I have a hard time accepting it. In a way, I think that he is

 

still here. I cannot believe that he is gone. I miss him already, and I do not know what I will do without him. The last time that I saw him was on Saturday, but he did not see me then. All I said to him was “Hello,” and I hope that he heard me say this. I wonder how he got pneumonia. My mom said that he had pneumonia in both lungs. She said that the people in the hospital were kind, unlike those in the nursing home. I remember well the times that Popee and I played tennis and ping-pong, and I will have these memories for the rest of my life. Yesterday night, I read Hegel for about a half hour. I just recently got home from a bike ride, and I passed a lot of people on the River Trail.

So, recently my grandmother in Sicily died, and now my grandfather dies.

I do not know what I will do without anyone to play ping-pong with. I do miss Popee. Maybe I am in denial that I will never see him again. My mom said that he is going to be buried in West Hartford. I wonder how Mamaw is taking the news, and it must be hard on her though I hope that she is not too depressed over it. My obsessions have been running rampant lately, and they are so annoying.

They have not been easy to get over either. I had a good bike ride today, and I rode down to the tobacco fields. It was good that there was no one walking on the sidewalk down there. My bike tires need some air in them.

Now I have got to end this journal entry. I am glad that I got to write today.

I slept well last night even though I was pretty sad, and today I still feel sad. I cannot help but feel sad because Popee is not here anymore. My sister wants to come home, but my parents do not want her to. Well, that is about all now. I certainly do not think that Popee would want me to give up my schedule, so, as far as I know, I will keep writing in this journal. I will likely write more this week. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, February 20 2002

 

I am having a tough time getting along.  I was not able to read today.   I could not exercise till later also. In fact, I just got home from exercising. The funeral is tomorrow, but I do not know if I will be able to go. The coffin will be viewed at ten o’ clock, and then the service will be at one o’ clock. Today was tough, and I find it tough to deal. My obsessions are killing me now, it seems that my emotions are all messed up, and I am at a loss for words.  I am glad that I got  to exercise today, and I do not know where I would be without exercise.

I do not think that I can bear to see Popee in the coffin. I feel so tired right now. I watched television some today, and I am writing before dinner. I still have good dreams, and I often remember them in the morning. I think that I am depressed right now. What made things worse was the dreaded question from Mrs. Simon on the River Trail that asked what I was doing now. I said that I was doing nothing, and I could not bear to tell her that I had schizophrenia. So, I appear a fool now instead of a young man with schizophrenia. That really shook me up.

 

Now I have to face a day when I might not even be able to go to my grandfather’s funeral. I also have to deal with the fact that Popee is dead. So, I am not going to the psychiatrist appointment today, as that has been cut off by my dad. I do not think that I can bear seeing Popee in the coffin tomorrow morning. I wonder what Popee will be wearing tomorrow. He is going to be buried with his ping-pong paddle. This always makes me well up, for I had some really good games with him. I would like to see my relatives tomorrow, and I know that it is hard on them too. My mom told me that she brought a paper that I wrote about Popee to the person who will be the head of the funeral. My mom did this without my permission, but I do not mind. I am glad that I was able to write here today, as it makes me feel better. I have stayed true to my journal lately. I wish that I was able to read today. The day is kind of dark and overcast. Anyway, seeing Mrs. Simon was devastating because she asked that question.

I did not know what to answer her, but I said that I was doing nothing.

Then I said that I will have to think of something to do. I did not know what to say. My mom said that she went to the church today. I would like to see my relatives tomorrow. There was little on television today, and this was disappointing. So, my mom used that paper that I wrote while I was at Loomis for the funeral. She did not even ask me if she could use it, but I do not mind. I have not been to a psychiatrist appointment in a long time. I kind of miss going there, and I feel bad that I have not been there lately. I hope that he is not mad at me for missing the appointment today. The whole family is staying at Mamaw and Popee’s house.

I will probably continue calling it Mamaw and Popee’s house because of Popee’s honor. Today was an extremely tough day, and I felt so incredibly tired earlier. I could not do anything earlier but watch television. I do not know why I felt so tired. I hope that I am not that tired early in the day tomorrow. I wonder how Mamaw is holding up. Well, I am about through with my journal entry today. I hope that Popee is doing well if there is an afterlife. I hope that the reader is doing well and that the reader sticks with me through thick and thin.

Now is about time for dinner, and I guess that tonight I will be having ham. Now I am off though. I hope that I will see the reader soon. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, February 21 2002

 

I am having a very hard time lately, and I really do not know what it is from. I cannot pinpoint whether it is from my illness or from Popee passing away. It seems that I cannot do anything. Today I could not read. I rode my bike for about a half hour, but it took a lot just to get out there. Maybe I am depressed or something. I missed the service today, and I feel bad about that. I am guessing that Popee passing away is making me sad and melancholy. He did not like it in the nursing home though. Today is a beautiful day, and the temperature is warm. My head has been feeling like it would explode, for there has been a lot of stress

 

on me. I do not know how to deal with a death in the family. I did not get to see my relatives today yet, and I doubt if I will see them. I saw a lot of television yesterday. I cannot go on. I hope that I feel better soon. Maybe I just need some time to recover, yet with the time lost with my cold recently things are not going well for me. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Friday, February 22 2002

 

I just recently returned from a bike ride, and I was out for about a half hour. I saw some people on the River Trail. I was able to read today, but I could not understand a lot of what Hegel was saying especially about the heart. I had no clue as to that. I missed Popee’s funeral yesterday, and I feel bad about that. I think that today is colder than yesterday. I should say here how much God helps me and how I look up to Him a lot. He helps me in many things. He is always present, and I do look up to Him. I think that He helps many people. I hope that I always look up to Him.

Yesterday I saw some of the Olympics. Germany seems to do well in everything. The United States is doing very well in the Olympics, as they have the home-field advantage. Last night I exercised for about thirty-three minutes. During that time I was actually running; it is a small surprise (and surely not a big one) because my medicine wears off at night, yet it was a surprise because I ran pretty fast by any measure, mentally ill or not. The weekend is coming up, so I have pressure on me to see my relatives. My cousin John went home yesterday from here. Now I have pressure on me to see my aunts. I am glad that I am writing here, but it took a lot to get here today, as I have had to fight fatigue and laziness. Last night I wore my white Nike long-sleeved T-shirt that I got for Christmas. I had a good bike ride today, and I rode down to the tobacco fields as usual. The flowers are opening in the garden to reveal orange in the center and purple and white on the sides of the flowers.

I have not been to a psychiatrist appointment in a while. I do not feel too bad about that, and today has been encouraging because I have been able to at least do stuff. I was not, however, able to totally understand Hegel, as he seemed to veer off into the toughest abstraction, or metaphysics. The deal about the heart was especially discouraging to me. Some of the book I could understand, as when he gives examples about things like history. I can understand the history aspect more than the philosophy aspect. Right now I am wearing blue J. Crew pants and a nice MacCluer button-down shirt. I think that the color of the pants could be improved, but I am no fashion expert. I mean that there could have been another shade of blue that would look more fashionable.

Today is a Friday, so people are ending their work week. My mom is home today as she was yesterday for the funeral. My feeling bad about missing the funeral might seem obvious to the reader. My mom said that there were parts of my college essay on Popee in the service. I wonder when it will start getting

 

warmer, and I am looking forward to the spring. The United States is doing really well in the Olympics. I think that they are second in the medal standings behind Germany though they unfortunately lost the gold-medal game in women’s hockey to Canada. I will bet that the reader can tell that I am too caught up in the Olympics. The sun just got brighter. Today really is a beautiful day. I have been sleeping pretty well though I am not taking the death of Popee easy, and I am going to miss him very much.

Today on my bike ride I wore black Sport Hill pants with a T-shirt, a long- sleeved T-shirt, a purple Champion sweatshirt, and my Loomis jacket. I wore my old Nikes that match the pants. Anyway, I do not want to get too superficial in my thought. I barely was able to go out to ride my bike, as there was so much stress weighing me down. Yet I did go out and ride my bike. Now I am at the end of my entry. I said a lot today, it seems. I am happy at how this day has turned out in a way though I wish that I understood Hegel more. I guess that I have to regularly read Hegel if I want to truly understand it, and I have to read it every day. One day skipped might mean disaster. Anyway, I am just talking on. I hope that the reader is doing well. Today I was loquacious. That means that I talked a lot. Well, now I am off. After this, I will probably be through with academics for the day. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, February 24 2002

 

Things have been tough. I mean that things have been very tough. Today I nearly cracked under the pressure put on me by my aunt Carol to return to college. Yesterday, Mamaw and Carol came over and stayed for coffee. Carol asked me about college. I said that I wanted to go to college but that I had trouble going out, and Carol continued trying to get me to return to college. That prompted me today to try to go to college, and I did all manner of trying to get myself to go. For example, I looked through my desk at my Loomis diploma, at a Loomis magazine, at Trinity College published stuff, and at my Trinity College honor student letter. I have spent a good deal of time today just looking through this stuff in an attempt to convince myself to return to college. I do not know who I am kidding, though, for I do not want to really return to college, feeling safer here. I am writing this in the night. Today I did manage to go for a bike ride for about thirty-nine minutes. The craziness today unfortunately nullified the fine time that I had yesterday with Mamaw and Carol. Though Carol ruined my day today, she was fun yesterday other than with the pressure to return to college.

Yesterday I was glad to see Mamaw, and she seems to be doing well. Today was a total disaster, though, as I could not seem to do anything for the entire day; I have not even watched television much for lack of concentration. The highlight of my day was my bike ride. Today was a total disaster, though, and these types of days seem to come too often these days, unfortunately. I was unable to read

 

today. I did have a fun bike ride today though I was kind of cold in the beginning of the ride. Boy, the pressure on me today was unreal. I just kept trying to force myself to return to Trinity College.

Yet I cannot go with my illness and this medicine combined to force me out. Carol’s words, therefore, meant a lot, and I wish that she had not ruined the day today with those words yesterday. Like I said, yesterday was really fun. I got my picture taken then, and Mamaw told a great childhood story. She said that when she was a child her mother gave her a dollar to go to see a five-cent movie. Mamaw went to the dime store instead and spent all the money there. That was a funny story. There was much that was fun that went on yesterday, but today was such a complete disaster that it overshadowed yesterday.

I feel lucky to be writing here tonight after such a bad day. I mean that I really behaved badly today. I prostituted my mind for things of no substance, and this exertion might mean that I do not sleep well tonight. I spent way too much time looking through magazines that are very superficial, yet at the time I found delight in them. Today I should have stuck to my schedule and read Hegel, and I do not have much left to read in The Philosophy of History. What made today absolutely terrible was that I finally got up, after putting my head down and then going for intervals of being awake, at around twelve-thirty, I think. This is ridiculous and terrible. Getting up this late can ruin the sharpness of any brain, no matter how one wills things. Then compounded upon this waking up late I have to deal with my greed in seeking out anything that had to do with my time at Loomis and the two or more years that I spent at Trinity. This combination of places gave to my mind the praise it needed to get through a very tough day. Yet now I am through this day, and I hope that this week I will be able to keep up a schedule.

This day has ended on a decent note with me realizing what is really important and with me writing here in my journal. Carol asked me yesterday what I wrote about in my journal, and I said that I wrote about my day.

Mamaw seemed in good spirits, and I guess that today my mom, her sisters, and Mamaw went to the gravesite where Popee is buried. Yesterday was so much fun, but who knew that it could cause such complete and utter chaos as today. I think that it will be a challenge to pick up the pieces of today and get something good out of it. Today was crazy, utter chaos. I have not seen my aunt Ann yet, and I miss her. My mom was out for much of the day. Right now it is pitch black out.

Well, now I am off. I hope that tomorrow will be more subdued than today. I am glad that I wrote. This is not all that she wrote, that is sure. I wish the reader fine tidings as usual, and I will try to write tomorrow. Tonight I will probably try to watch some television. I should have put more stuff about Mamaw’s visit, but today was really awful. I acted badly today. Anyway, now I am off. I hope that I will see the reader soon. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, February 26 2002

 

 

I just recently returned from exercising. I had a very fine jog and walk put together. The day is warm, and I wore shorts. The day is like a spring day. I started off today with reading Hegel for about an hour. The hard part of reading for me is just picking up the book and starting reading. I was able to understand Hegel pretty well today. I am lucky to wear shorts today, but I think that it is going to get colder before it gets warmer. On the River Trail today there were some people, including Mrs. Simon. She did not say “Hello” to me today though the person whom she was with said “Hello” to me. Today really is a beautiful day, the most beautiful in a long time. Somehow I found the strength to keep up a schedule today. Tomorrow I have a psychiatrist appointment. The only thing that I do not like about warm weather is the swarm of people that come out.

There seem to be people everywhere. It is not a good thing that a tractor just dumped some dirt in the yard. The man dumped it out where the tree line is.

Hegel is pretty decent. He talks a lot about the history of the European nations. He also talks a lot about Christianity and the feudal system. It is surprising to me that he has not talked about much philosophy as regarding the German nation though. Hegel talks about corruption a lot and about how it ruins nations. He talks of Italy and France a lot. There seemed to be a lot of wars that went on at around the year 1000, near when the crusades were. Everyone seemed to want territory. There were wars between the barbarians on the one hand and the Christians on the other hand, and these wars formed the crusades. I had always had a romantic view of the crusades, but Hegel makes them out to be bloody and bad. I am getting towards the end of the Hegel book now. The crusades were an attempt of Christians to take over the holy lands belonging to the so-called barbarians, and I guess that these took place in the Middle Ages.

The day is really beautiful. The air is so warm, and the flowers are out in my garden. The sun is out in all its beauty. There is an aura of renewal everywhere one looks though it is kind of early for that. Therefore, people flock out of their homes to the River Trail. I found it easier to walk today because of the warmth, yet I heard on the news recently that it is going to get colder. So, this warmth is for now only temporary. Today I almost did not read, but I found the strength somehow to do so.

I wonder if Ann is still in Hartford. I miss her. I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house this Saturday. Today on my run I passed a woman with two toddlers, who were all looking at the river. I saw a man jogging and then stopping to walk. There were a lot of cars in the parking lot to the trail. Mrs.

Simon’s dog approached me and got near my leg, and I smiled a smirk. I do miss Trinity College, and I kind of even miss Loomis in a strange way too. I wonder how my sister is doing in Spain, and what academics she is doing.

I wonder if she will work in Spain after college. There is not much on the news these days except for stuff on the war on terrorism, as it is called. The Olympics are over now. The United States won more medals this year than in

 

any other year. So, this is a fine sign. They got silver medals in men’s and women’s ice hockey. Canada got the gold in men’s and women’s ice hockey. My room is relatively clean, and I put new sheets on my bed last night. I should conclude this entry now. I am glad that I wrote today though I will probably neglect to write tomorrow, for I have an appointment. I do not know if I will get to the appointment, but I will try to get there. I have not seen James Bozzuto in a while. Anyway, for the rest of the day I will probably watch a lot of television.

For now I am off. I will likely see the reader soon. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, February 28 2002

 

I am glad that I am writing. I am almost through with Hegel. I read Hegel today for about an hour, and towards the end of my reading, I had some trouble understanding him. I understood him fine until the end of my reading. I did exercise today. I went for a jog and a walk for a total of about a half hour. I hope that someday I have friends, as that would be a good thing. I am looking forward to finishing Hegel’s book. If I read tomorrow, I will probably finish the book tomorrow. I saw a lot of dogs on the River Trail today. I did not write yesterday because I went to the psychiatrist. The thing that stinks about my next appointment is that it is on a Friday, so if I go, I will not be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s the next day. So, I might have to get my mom to call to get a new appointment. The day is beautiful.

I passed some people on the River Trail today. I passed a man, an older man with a brown dog, an older lady with her small dog, a woman with her dog, and two young women, who were smiling as I passed them. The psychiatrist asked me a lot about Popee. He asked me if I thought about him, and I said that I did. He asked me whom I would play ping-pong with now, and I said that I did not know. He asked about Mamaw and my mom, and how they were taking it.

My obsessions, if anything, have gotten worse. I find that I am obsessing over nearly everything though they are not severe though. My dad said some memorable things yesterday on the way to the psychiatrist, and they were memorable because my dad is usually quiet in the car. He told me that I needed to speak up to the psychiatrist if, say, that I wanted to go there once every like two weeks. He thought that I could do a lot of things, like go on vacation in Vermont or go to Trinity College (and he mentioned Professor Macro). My dad is bad with pronunciations, though, and he called him Magro. I want to see Mamaw this weekend. I hope that I finish Hegel tomorrow. I feel bad right now that I cannot run like other normal people.

I wish that this medicine did not slow me down and paralyze me so much though it is not too bad, I guess. I just feel shielded from society and the regular. This medicine makes me slow in every aspect and hinders my regular playing of the trumpet and my running. I miss playing tennis very much though if I wanted to, I could play some. I am especially looking forward to the springtime, when

 

the weather is warm. I am not, however, looking forward to the hot summer. Yesterday my dad wanted to know if I wanted to go on vacation in the country, but he cannot comprehend my predicament. I have to end my journal entry now. I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. I cannot believe that I am almost through with the Hegel book. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Friday, March 1 2002

 

So far I have read Hegel. I not only read Hegel, but I finished the book.

Yesterday I had a surprise visit from Mamaw and Ann. I talked to Ann privately for a while, and she thought that I should go to a treatment program. I guess that she was really concerned about me. She mentioned me taking some medicine for anxiety. I think that Ann really cares about me, but she might seem kind of harsh on me. She said, when she left, that I could go down to Florida anytime. I said “Thanks” to this. I noticed that she had a nice red jacket. She mentioned that I should email her if I get onto the Internet. Mamaw seemed in pretty good spirits yesterday. She asked me how I was, and I said “Pretty good.” Then she asked me if I was good or just pretty good. I then said that I was good.

Then she asked me if I was good or great, and I said “Good.” They were over for about two hours for dinner, from about five o’ clock till about seven o’ clock. I do not think that I will go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. I am now through with Hegel, and the book ended nicely. I am wearing shorts because I do not have any clean clothes washed. I am wearing my old blue Adidas sandals. Today is a beautiful day, and it is not too cold. Still, it is cold out. Yesterday night for dinner was salmon. I liked the dinner, and I think that Mamaw and Ann liked the dinner too.

I will remember for a long time my talk with Ann. I kind of wanted her to talk about something else besides me getting out. Ideally, I would have liked some praise from her though that is not Ann’s fashion. Ann asked me what I did, and she guessed my schedule. It was surprising that she guessed the schedule correctly for the most part. She asked me how old I was, and she seemed mad that I was twenty-five years old and was still living at home. She mentioned how I might want to have a place of my own someday.

I am glad that I was able to finish Hegel today, as this result was in doubt for some time. The book was 457 pages long, and I read slowly through the whole book. I doubt if anyone could read quickly through such a hard book to read. So, the weekend is coming up, and, unfortunately, I will probably not be going to Mamaw and Popee’s house this weekend. I will bet that my mom is happy to be off from work.

At the end of the book, Hegel talks a lot about the French Revolution. He posits that the Revolution was a result of philosophy and the philosophers. He said that that was not the only precipitating factor but that that was part of the reason for the war, which I think had to do with the commoners revolting against

 

the established order. Hegel mentioned the other European countries that were changed by this event, and he mentioned how England was essentially unchanged by this incident. He mentioned England and how it was ruled by the parliament, and that it was good that it was ruled by statesmen, or people who were experienced with such matters as government from their interests and training.

There was a semblance of a conclusion, which summarized his major thesis of history evolving, as it were, through the different times of the world. Hegel looks at this as a good thing that happened. He is obviously patriotic, and he talks about the modern German world right before his concluding two paragraphs. He was a very brilliant man, whose work The Philosophy of History was indeed a major work. Ann asked me about whether I printed out my entry every day, and I said that I saved the entries and then printed them out every several months or so. Ann wanted a hug when I saw her and when I parted from her. I did not give Carol a hug, but I did give Jane a small hug when she left.

I miss Popee. I wish that he were still here, as I obviously care about him. My obsessions are still quite annoying. Now I have to conclude this entry. I am finally through reading Hegel, and I am glad that I finished that book today. Last night, the family gathered around my dad’s computer to look at some stuff on the Internet. Mamaw had some insightful insights from an outsider about the computer. I personally do not really like the Internet, but Mamaw might like it. Well, now I am off, but not before, of course, wishing the reader a fine day. I hope that the reader continues reading my journal. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, March 2 2002

 

I keep thinking about returning to college. I want to go to college, but I cannot go on just this medicine. I might need to take Ativan to go, but I do not really want to risk taking more medicine. My will to return to college is strong, though, and I miss classes and people. I do not want to disappoint Popee. I did not go to Mamaw and Popee’s today, and maybe I should have gone. I read The Origin of Species by Darwin for about an hour, but it was boring. I am not of a scientific bent. I went on a bike ride for about a half hour today, as I did not exercise yesterday.

I want to go to college, but I do not want to take Ativan. Ann thinks that I should take Ativan and go to a treatment place or college. An old man passed me on his bike on the River Trail today. These types of incidents make me humble and depressed. Charles Darwin’s book is kind of boring, as the book is written in such a scientific way and does not have much literary style. I am looking for a different type of book, and I guess that I am more a student of English. My obsessions are quite annoying, as I keep wondering if there are soccer balls outside in the place of garbage. I can try to get myself to think that it is just garbage, but the only way to convince myself is to go outside and check. Now a

 

new piece of garbage is threatening to be a soccer ball though I know almost certainly that it is not. Well, I know certainly that it is not.

I am wearing some Hilfiger khaki shorts right now. I am glad that I got out to run today. I wonder if school was in session at Loomis today. I wonder when it will start getting warm. I wish that I were in school and healthy. I kind of wish that this journal was published. I wish that I knew English grammar more, for I get the words was and were mixed up as in the last two sentences. Yesterday I watched a lot of television, including a trick-shot pool competition for about an hour. There was thus nothing else of interest on television. I passed a young woman, who smiled at me and who had long hair. The fir tree in the forest in the backyard is obviously still green. The lawn is green and beige. I really want to return to Trinity College, but I cannot do so easily or else I would be there by now. I miss that college very much. I do not think that my mom or dad went to Mamaw and Popee’s today. I hope that I am not too homebound and that I did not hurt Mamaw’s feelings by not going today.

The book that I started today is kind of boring. Darwin talked some about natural selection, which I think that I learned at Loomis in biology class. I am sure that Darwin was a very smart person, but I am just not really interested in reading him. I wonder if there are any good books out that have been written recently, but the Hegel book will be hard to beat. I really liked that book. I would not, however, want to read another Hegel book at this time because then I would be reading too much Hegel. Anyway, my mom is planning on calling James Bozzuto on Monday so that I can schedule a different time for myself for the appointment next week. I am too shy to call.

Now I have to conclude this entry. I hope that some day I will be able to obtain somehow some new schizophrenia drug to help me to survive and to thrive. I find it so depressing how much this medicine slows me down. I hope that some medicine will come out that is a true medicine without slowing me down. What I am on now is really tough to bear because I cannot exercise how I want, and that slows down my confidence, so to speak. Well, now I am about through with my entry. Now I should wish the reader well, and I do hope that he or she is in solid health. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, March 3 2002

 

I have been thinking a lot about returning to college, but I cannot seem to take more medicine, as I am scared to. I know that I probably should take some Ativan, but I am afraid to. So, I do not know what to do. I know that Popee would want me to return to college. Today I started Antony and Cleopatra by Shakespeare, and I do like this play. I partly like it because I understand it. I am wearing a pair of pants, which I do not like too much because they are green. My obsessions are crazy and annoying. My mom and dad went to Mamaw and Popee’s today, and they are not back yet. The only part in the Shakespeare play

 

that I do not understand is whether the son of Pompey, who is a pirate, is against Antony. I will guess that he is against Antony. Cleopatra is the Queen of Egypt. Fulvia, who has recently died, is Antony’s wife. Antony and Cleopatra had been having an affair.

I read today for about an hour, and I exercised today for about a half hour.

I passed some people on my exercising. I passed a man and a woman, and the man was holding a baby. I am guessing that they were husband and wife. I passed a young man and a young woman, who I also guess were a couple. The young man had a small tan-colored dog on a leash. There was a fast-running man, who passed me.

When he passed, I felt that I wanted to run fast too, but that thought faded away. I saw a small turtle on the River Trail, and I felt very sorry for it because humans had invaded its habitat. The niche in nature that it had before was gone. When I went by the turtle, it put its head into its shell. Today it has rained, but, fortunately, it was not raining when I was on the River Trail. Today is a warm day, and since I was hot with my sweatshirt, I took it off and wrapped it around my waist. Right now the sky is silver, and it is overcast.

Today looks like a day when it has often rained. I am kind of tongue-tied because my obsessions do not want me to name things unless I am absolutely sure of them so that there is no guessing involved. For example, for lunch I am not sure if I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or a peanut butter and jam sandwich. So, my obsessions tell me that I cannot write down what I had for lunch. Well, I either had strawberry jam or strawberry jelly for lunch. I am guessing that it is jam though.

That is how my obsessions manifest themselves. Anyway, the Shakespeare play is obviously short. Tomorrow the plan is that my mom will call James Bozzuto to tell him that I want to have the appointment on a different day than Friday. My parents are still out now. I do not know what I am going to do about college. I know that I cannot go as things are now and that the only hope is to take some Ativan. I am only on Zyprexa and nothing else. Maybe I need some more medicine. I have yet to find someone who understands my plight, but maybe the reader understands. I am wearing a new Adidas shirt that I got for Christmas.

I like it even though I do not like my pants. Today was ideal, in terms of temperature, for exercising. I suppose that the Loomis people will start sports soon today. I wish that I did not have any obsessions. I surely do not want to take medicine for them. I wonder how that turtle is doing now. I hope that it is safe, and I wonder how it got there in the first place. Now I have got to conclude this journal entry. I hope that the reader respects me and cares about my fate. There is indeed a certain type of freedom that I enjoy out of classes. I can read and do what I like, and that consists of a certain kind of freedom. Anyway, I hope that the reader is doing all right. For lunch today I had some good sparkling apple cider. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

 

Monday, March 4 2002

 

I just recently got home from exercising. I have been having a tough time, for I know that today is the day when my mom is supposed to call James Bozzuto to have my appointment moved. So, I do not want to get a phone call that will interrupt me while I am writing this. I am still reading Antony and Cleopatra. I saw some people on the River Trail today. I have been suffering, anticipating a phone call. I will cancel my appointment Friday if it comes to that. I just want to see Mamaw on Saturday. Mamaw is lucky that she is not on medicine. I do not think that she is on anything, and certainly she is not on anything nearly as strong as the medicine that I take.

I saw a couple of women walking together on the River Trail. I saw an old man who is a regular on the River Trail, as he is walks a lot on it. He carries a cane. The women walking together looked young, so I guess that I can call them young women. I am a young man. I saw a woman walking alone who was attractive and who looked as if she were from Russia. She was wearing black tights and sneakers, and the tights were of a material similar to felt. I noticed this as I jogged by her. I am actually wearing pants that I like today. I am wearing white J. Crew pants.

This day was nearly a disaster, for I almost did not read because of all the pressure on me of James Bozzuto calling. I got through it, though, and hopefully I will be able to finish this entry without interruption. I need a shave though I do not have any razor blades left to put on my razor, and I think that my mom will pick up some blades tonight. The day is beautiful, and I miss Popee. I was thinking about memories of him last night some, thus I do obviously miss him. I wish that I could make him proud by going to Trinity College, where he went to college. The Shakespeare book is all right though I do not like how he is bawdy in many places. Shakespeare’s plays are quite short though. He is a fine writer, I have to admit, and no parts are boring.

I wonder how the Loomis community is doing today. Spring weather almost here means spring sports at Loomis. Anyway, I am wearing a Florida State football T-shirt that I bought at a shop called Garnet and Gold in Florida. I think that I bought it when I was visiting Ann about five years ago. When I saw Ann recently, I said that it had been about five years since I was last in Florida. I feel a big void with Popee gone. I feel kind of empty and lonely. I will bet that Popee would want me to remember him as he was when he was younger. I remember some things, but I wish that I could have a better memory of him.

This medicine seems to ruin my longterm memory.

I do miss him, and I know that Mamaw misses him too. Ann wanted me to maybe tell Mamaw that I am sorry about Popee. This seems to be awkward, and she knows how I felt about Popee. I know how important it is to support Mamaw, though, so I want to be sure to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house this

 

Saturday. It stinks that my mom has a tough work week ahead. My dad is still on sabbatical, but soon enough he will be teaching philosophy again. I wonder what will be on television today. Last night there was pretty much only bad news on the news except for the success in space of making the telescope up there more powerful. There is violence all around the world. That seems to be the only news. Also, just as I thought the war in Afghanistan was nearly over, there is heavy fighting there.

Now I have got to conclude this entry. I am glad that I got to write in the chaos of this day. I have got to tell the psychiatrist when I want to have appointments to avoid this mess in the future. Today really is a beautiful day. I wish the reader well, and I wonder what he or she has done during the day in which they read this entry. Now I am off. I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, March 7 2002

 

I have not written because I have been feeling poor mentally. I think that the stress of an appointment on Friday got to me. All I have been doing is looking through manuals of private schools, looking at the rivals of Loomis. I am ashamed to have done so, but I did not know what else to do. Moreover, I have been obsessing over whether to take Ativan or not, and this is not healthy. I looked up top private schools recently for yesterday and for the day before. The reader must be laughing at me. All of this stems from my having not stood up to the psychiatrist to tell him what days would be good for me. Today I got back on track and read Antony and Cleopatra for about an hour. Shakespeare is a bawdy person, and quite the bacchanal. Today is warm, but since I did so much looking around yesterday in newspapers and high-school books, I do not think that I will exercise today. I will make it a light day.

The Shakespeare book went well. Yesterday I kept looking through a private-school manual, and I noticed my cousin Sarah’s school in the manual. The school is in Belle Glade. I am not sure where Sarah lives now, but she is married to a man with the last name of Sandlin. I got this information from Popee’s obituary that was in the Hartford Courant newspaper. I think that Popee would want me to go to Trinity College. I asked my dad at dinner last night about whether he thinks that I should take Ativan, and he thought that I should give it a try. My emotions have been running rampant this week, and it is a wonder that I feel as good as I do today. I have got to stand up for myself and tell the psychiatrist that I do not want an appointment on a Friday. Also, I do not want the appointments too close together, and this is at present a big issue for me. For lunch today I had a tuna-fish sandwich. I know that I am going to miss exercising today. As I mentioned before, I have that psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. The Shakespeare play that I am reading is not really so short after all.

 

The play is pretty long though it is not too long, and I doubt if any of Shakespeare’s plays are really long. Shakespeare surely wrote a lot of plays. I feel pretty well right now though this week has been awful on me. My mind was in a terrible state this week before today, and I kept thinking about taking Ativan. My parents want me to take it, and I have been wanting to take it too. Now, however, I have doubts that it will work well at all. I have been thinking a lot about returning to Trinity College too, and my parents seem to want me to do this as well. Now, however, I have doubts about that too. I feel bad that I might not be able to see Mamaw this weekend. Also, I feel bad that today I probably will not be able to go out to ride my bike.

The day is pretty warm, and the flowers in the garden look beautiful. I doubt that the Ativan will work well; I just doubt that it will. Therefore, I probably should not take it. Yesterday I do not know why I was so foolish and looked through the school books. I just was in a bad way and did not know what else to do. I have got to make sure that I have psychiatrist appointments on days that are right for me, and that means standing up to James Bozzuto. I am usually so timid because he is a doctor, and he carries all of that authority. Yet I am a person just like him, and I should stand up for myself. I hope that I stand up for myself tomorrow.

I wish that I could ride my bike today. I am going to miss that today. Now I have got to end this entry. I hope that the reader is still sticking with me through my big hiatus this week. Things can really get bad quickly with me sometimes, it seems. I do have many good days ahead as long as I take care of myself. When Ann left, I remember that she told me to take care of myself. Well, I am off now. Yesterday I had a hamburger for lunch at McDonald’s, and I did not know how else to break up the day. My dad brought me there. Now the time is up, and I have to go. I am off, but hopefully next week will be productive. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, March 9 2002

 

I took Ativan tonight. Also, today I went to Mamaw and Popee’s and saw Mamaw. I went to see Popee’s grave, which was in a really nice spot. I miss Popee’s presence. I saw a kid picture of him, and he was wearing a tie and coat. Mamaw told me how some people thought that my essay of Popee was good. I took the Ativan tonight, and I guess that it helped me some. I wonder if I can drive with it. Maybe I would be able to drive with it. I took the medicine right after I ate dinner. I will remember the place where Popee was buried. He was buried in a beautiful spot. Mamaw told me that he was buried in a V-neck sweater and a Trinity College tie. I miss him very much. I just wanted to write a little tonight. I do not plan on giving up on my journal, and I feel bad about missing some entries last week. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, March 10 2002

 

 

I am on Ativan, and I have taken two pills today. I took one at about twelve-thirty and I took the other at about four-thirty. I guess that they work pretty well, and they make me really calm. I do not think that the Ativan hurts my jogging much. So, as far as feeling bad on them, I do not feel bad. On the other hand, I do not know how much they work. I do not know if they do enough for me. Today I read some Greek for about fifty minutes, and I was reading through my old Greek textbook. I think that I could get back into Greek if my anxiety is taken care of. I exercised today for about a half hour too. I also did some other things, including checking a Trinity College schedule from some years back.

I looked through some photographs, and I especially like the one with Popee in my graduation picture. I do not know how I feel on this medicine. I guess that I am supposed to take it twice per day. I was expecting something more powerful, and more of a change in my mental state. Still, it seems like my anxiety is less. The Greek went well today. I had not been planning on writing today until very recently, and I am glad that I did write. The medicine does seem to make me absentminded a bit. On my walk today there were a lot of couples. I want to see Mamaw tomorrow night or the next night. She told me yesterday that it gets lonely in her house. I eventually would like to get out to the Westfarms Mall sometime soon. I am wearing shorts because I did not have any socks in sight today. In other words there were no socks upstairs or downstairs though there might have been some in the basement. I hope that I can get a good night’s sleep tonight. If I do not, then I will begin to have doubts about how good the Ativan is. I slept well last night though.

I have been thinking a lot about returning to Trinity College, and there is surely a chance that I will be able to return. I am still in the college. All that I would have to do would be to call to enter the college again. I wish that there is a summer school at Trinity College, but I do not think that there is one this year. I think that they are doing some building of the library. So, I am thinking that if I return, it would be next fall. That would be exciting, to say the least. I hope that I am healthy then though I might have to get a physical. Who cares about that though. The Ativan does not seem to hinder my exercise on Zyprexa. I have a hard time explaining how it feels on Ativan, but it is like feeling very relaxed without much pressure on one. So, maybe I will be returning to Trinity College after all.

Mamaw said that Popee looked really great with his V-neck sweater and his Trinity College tie. She said that he looked nothing like he did when I saw him in the nursing home. I missed seeing him in his sweater, and I do miss that. I would have liked to have been at his funeral, but that would have been extremely sad for me. I saw his grave yesterday at the cemetery next to Goodwin Park. There was earth on it still, and Mamaw had not put a tombstone on it yet

 

because the funeral was so recent. The grave stands in a beautiful place, and Mamaw likes that it is on a hill.

I would like to see Mamaw tomorrow or the next day. For the rest of tonight I guess that I will watch television. Television movies really stink. I think that I could get back into Greek pretty well at Trinity College. I am also looking forward to reading Latin. Maybe I can keep up writing almost every day from now on, or I can at least try to on this medicine. I am through with taking Ativan for the day. Now I have got to conclude this entry. So, I am glad now that I have written this entry, as it might show that my journal is on the move. I might be able to keep it up consistently. I am writing this entry at night, when my Zyprexa is losing its efficacy. I will hope that the reader liked that last vocabulary word.

Anyway, I am off now, and I wish the reader well. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Monday, March 11 2002

 

I looked at some Latin earlier. I worked on Latin for about an hour today. I looked through my old, easy Latin text. I hope that I will be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s today. Yesterday I took two Ativan pills. I am not really sure if they are working, but they seem to be. Mamaw was very supportive of me going back to college at Trinity College. Today is quite cold out. I did not sleep last night as well as I wanted to, for I slept fine until around six o’ clock though then I could not sleep much after that. I just recently took my Ativan pill. The psychiatrist says that it works after around a half hour or an hour. Like I mentioned before, I do not know how well that it works. It probably makes me less intelligent, but the benefits might really be good. I might be able to return to college and do some homework there.

If I returned to Trinity College, I would probably like to take two courses. I would like to take Latin and Greek. I did not feel tired this morning, and it was good that I was not swooning in bed. Maybe this Ativan made me feel that way, who knows. Today is quite cold, and I am looking forward to it warming up. I am looking forward to returning to college next fall. If there is a summer school, then I can look forward to going in the summer. Going over Latin was really easy today, and it seems that I know that language much better than Greek. I wonder what I should do to get ready to return to college. Maybe in about a couple of weeks, I will call Mary Thomas and tell her that I am returning. Then my parents would have to get in touch with the financial-aid office, and I would be all set to return to Trinity College. I think that that would be fun. Well, if not fun, then at least I would keep my sense of duty.

After I write this, I think that I will watch television for the afternoon about until my mom gets home from work. I wonder if Mamaw will want company tonight. I wish that I had gone to Popee’s funeral, yet I know that he would not hold it against me. I wonder if I should call Anthony Macro about

 

returning to college. I wonder if Emily Anhalt has really left the college for good, and I wonder how her replacement will be. Emily was a fine professor.

I do not think that I will exercise today. I would like to go to the Westfarms Mall sometime soon, and I like that mall. It is by no means certain that I will return to college, and I might not do well there. I will probably do well though.

The psychiatrist, with the appointments that he makes for me for meeting him, is probably the reason why I have decided to go to college. I wonder if the Ativan or the Zyprexa causes cancer, and I certainly hope not though they probably do. I am worried about my weight too, as I do not want to get fat taking Ativan. I am looking forward to the spring. I wonder how Mary Thomas is doing. Mamaw got a notice from Trinity College saying that they were sorry about Popee’s death, and Mamaw thought that the letter was nice. That old Latin book is so easy though I had forgotten some stuff.

Now one of my favorite pictures is the one of my graduation from Loomis with Popee and my family in it. I was thinking of graduate school recently, but obviously, I have to get through Trinity College before that. I wonder how the Loomis teachers are doing. My dad will return to teaching at Loomis next year. I hope that I will be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s today. Maybe I should take three Ativan tablets a day instead of two, for that might really cure my anxiety.

Who knows whether I will return to Trinity College, but I really want to return there even if I might start with two classes. My obsessions do not go away much with the Ativan. Now I should write my conclusion. I am glad that I wrote today. For the rest of the day I will relax and then hopefully go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I do not think that I will exercise today. Well, now I am off. I wish the reader fine tidings, and I hope that the reader bears with me through these tough times. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, March 12 2002

 

I just recently got home from exercising. I do not think that the Ativan slows me down much, if at all. I was out exercising for about a half hour. Last night I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house, and I am glad that I got there.

Mamaw asked me about whether any of Popee’s tennis racquets were mine, and she gave me three of his coats. They are all nice, especially the blue Alligator one, which is a classic. I took my Ativan today, and I wonder if the pills help me at all. They give me a sense of wellbeing that, however false, might allow me to return to Trinity College.

I think that Trinity College is going to have spring vacation pretty soon. That is according to an older catalog that I have. It hurts that I do not get mail from Trinity College. I hope that I will be able to return there all right.

Otherwise, I am in deep trouble. Those coats that I got last night were fine coats, but my obsessions will not let me keep them in my closet. Anyway, maybe things will change on the Ativan. So, I am taking Ativan and Zyprexa. I had a fine visit

 

to Mamaw and Popee’s last night. My mom and I went there. My mom talked about her work some. Mamaw does not act like an old woman, but she acts like a young one. She approved of my taking the Ativan and praised it too. Today is pretty cold, but it not cold enough that I would need to wear a jacket over my sweatshirt. I want to start driving my car next week. I wish that the Saab was in order. I want to say here that I still look up to God and His helping me out. He has been invaluable in helping me. I hope that He will always be there for me, and He has a lot of grace. I must not forget about Him. I must always look up to Him. I hope that this Ativan will help me go out more. I want to go to college and to the mall and stuff. A woman passed me on the River Trail today, and she said “Hello” to me. I passed a former regular on the trail, but she was not wearing her regular jogging suit but a nice green coat. She has a nice look about her.

I miss playing ping-pong, which is something that I always used to do, with Popee. My ping-pong skills thus are going to go downhill. My parents and Mamaw are not too good at ping-pong though my dad is not terrible at it. I looked through my Greek book for about fifty-three minutes today. I looked through the forms, and I found them easy and boring. I am still very rusty at translating Greek though, as I found out through looking at some Greek sentences in the book. Unfortunately, I still have my obsessions, which really is unfortunate. They might, however, gradually decrease or even go away if I get out more due to the Ativan. I think that so far things have been good since I started taking Ativan on Saturday, but time will tell this tale. Maybe this Ativan will really help me.

Well, I am now going to write my conclusion. I hope that this Ativan will help me go back to school. Otherwise, I might find myself back where I started from before taking Ativan. I hope that my journal entries are all right and that the reader does not reprimand me for taking this Ativan. I just hope that I can keep taking it without stopping it. Well, I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, March 13 2002

 

I got up way too late. I managed to do Greek for about an hour though I had a terrible start to the day. I allowed myself to put my head down, and it is pitiful that it was down until about twelve-thirty. I had been up a little before then, but it was a terrible experience. Right when I got up, I had to take my Ativan, and that created a lot of obsession issues. So, my day has been awful so far, and I cannot wait till tomorrow, to tell the truth. I was looking over some of my old Greek Herodotus translations, and I still remember Greek pretty well. I found out that Trinity College does have a summer school this summer, and I should go to that. I want to take a course this summer. I do not know if Professor Macro still teaches there, for I did not see his name on the course list. There is a

 

new teacher there, and I hope that she is nice. I wonder if Loomis still has school now. If they do, then today is a short day. I slept pretty well last night. I feel awful right now though, for I got up so late that my day is going to stink. I must not get up so late in the coming days. Lately, this has not been a problem, but today it was a big problem. I think that today I just did not know what in the world to do.

I saw some of a tennis tournament yesterday, and Agassi was losing to Kratochvil. I will bet that Agassi lost that match. There are a lot of young Russians that do well on the women’s side. There is nothing to do here at home. For the first time in a long while I actually feel bored, and I think that this is a good thing. I mean that since I took the Ativan, I feel bored. Maybe I will be able to return to Trinity College.

I cannot believe that there is summer school at Trinity College this summer, as that is such good news. I want to get in early to assure myself a spot there, and I hope that my parents can afford it. They probably can afford it. I feel awful today because of getting up so late but more because of my obsessions from taking the Ativan right after I got up. I feel kind of depressed right now though I am glad that I am able to write here. I wonder if this Ativan really works. I do not think that it works too well concerning my obsessions, for I still have them. I do not know if Ativan really helps me, but it seems to work all right. I seem to feel less anxiety about going places than before, but it is too soon to tell. I wish that I did not have those obsessions about Popee’s fine coats, for I want to keep them in my room. Yet I cannot do so because of my obsessions, so they are downstairs.

Last night I had a really good dinner. I had some chicken and other good stuff. I think that it was raining today. Also, it is pretty cold out. I want to exercise today, but I might have to do that after dinner. I went through my Greek pretty fast today, but I know that I am still very rusty with that language. I think that I am better at Latin because I took it for three years at Loomis. Now I have got to conclude this entry. I did take my Ativan today, like I said. I took it at about twelve-thirty. Well, I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. I hope that the reader is doing all right. I look forward to possible going to Trinity College summer school this summer. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, March 14 2002

 

I just recently finished dinner. I was thinking about going to the Westfarms Mall tonight, but I decided not to. I do not want to get into things too quickly. I want to gradually get back into things. Today I did Greek for about an hour, and I rode my bike for about thirty-eight minutes. Also, I went out for lunch at a place called The Beanery. So, I could have gone out tonight to the mall, yet I decided not to. I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s this Saturday. I had a very encouraging bike ride today, as the Ativan does not seem to slow me

 

down. I read a story about Gyges in the Herodotus translation of Greek. Summer school at Trinity College is coming up. I am looking forward to going there this summer, but first obviously I have to go through the spring. I heard some noises nearby today, but they did not bother me too much.

On my bike ride an attractive young woman passed and smiled, and she was jogging. Near her were two men who happened to be there. I went through the Greek translation pretty well today. So, I am looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s on Saturday. Tonight I will probably watch some television. Today was pretty warm, as I wore my shorts on my bike ride. I had a delicious dinner tonight. I had split-pea soup, swordfish, and other stuff. My mom asked me about how the Ativan was going, and I said “Good” or something like that.

I hope that I will be able to go to summer school this summer. I am really looking forward to returning to Trinity College this summer. I wonder if this Ativan is doing anything. I went with my dad to The Beanery today, but I did not go in the place. I might start driving next week if the psychiatrist says that that is safe, which he probably will. In Greek, I went over the story of Gyges that I did while in the second year of Greek at Trinity College. I still have a knack for translating though on the technical details I am very rusty. For example, I can translate along well, but on some words if I was asked to identify them, I would not be able to do so pretty well.

Like I mentioned before, today was quite warm. I am wearing a short- sleeved T-shirt and a short-sleeved green shirt with a collar. I am, however, wearing long pants. I am looking forward to driving again if that is at all possible. I do not know if I will be able to return to college this summer, but I sure hope so. I hope that I do not start not taking my Ativan, which thing is very possible with my history of trying to return to school. Yet I must point out that it is different this time because I am on Ativan, and this might make this time a success. Also, with Popee passed on I have an extra incentive to do well and to return to Trinity College.

Popee would want me to finish my time there and to get a degree. I do not think that this Ativan hurts me too much academically. I might even be able to get more done in one day, like I did today with going to The Beanery for lunch. I would really like to live by the beach so that I could see the ocean and the sand. I guess that I just need a vacation. I feel depressed about staying inside the house tonight, but I want to gradually go places and to not go too many places at this beginning stage. Soon enough though I hope that I will be able to go out many places. I am really looking forward to going to summer school. I wonder how Mary Thomas is doing. I hope that I will be able to keep writing in this journal. I do not ever want to give up writing in this journal. Even on this Ativan, I think that I will be able to keep writing here.

Now I have to write my conclusion. For the rest of the night I think that I am going to watch some television. I hope that the reader sticks with reading here, as my life might become different in many ways. Ever since Popee died,

 

things have already been different, as he was a big figure in my life. I mean that I am more determined to finish up my time at Trinity College since Popee has passed away. I am off now. I hope that I will be able to keep writing here. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, March 16 2002

 

I just recently got home from a terrible walk. I could barely walk, and I had to use all of my energy just to keep going. This was a horrible walk, and so I am quite disappointed. I do not know why I was so slow, but I was. Maybe the Ativan made me so slow. Yet yesterday I had a super walk for about an hour, and I could have gone longer. I was on Ativan yesterday, so I cannot explain the horrible walk today. I just had a terrible walk. Also, I was not able to translate or read today. So, I hope that this journal entry goes well. The day is pretty cold, and I cannot wait until spring comes.

Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house and played Scrabble with Mamaw. I hope that tomorrow when I probably will go exercise that I do all right. Otherwise, I might have to stop taking the Ativan. That would mean that my hopes of going to Trinity College would be gone. My parents are home right now. I am wearing the green pants that I do not like that much. I feel terrible about my walk, for I was out for about forty-three minutes and only did one loop of the River Trail.

I did not pass anyone on the trail, and there were a lot of birds on the trail. There were a lot of worms on the concrete, and I remembered that worms have like eight hearts. My parents went out this morning. I am not sure where they went, but they brought home a big chocolate bar, among other things. I really hope that that Ativan did not cause my not being able to walk fast today. I would hate to quit taking the Ativan, for the medicine has so much promise. I just could not move today, and I felt like sitting down right on the River Trail. Actually, one person did pass me on the trail today. It was a young man jogging slowly, yet still obviously going faster than me. Actually, I passed one other person on the trail, who looked as if he was retarded, but I could not tell. That accounts for all of the people whom I saw on the trail today.

I really want to go to summer school at Trinity College this summer. I want to take a good class, and I wonder which classes are offered there this summer. I told Mamaw last night that Trinity College had a summer school this summer. I think that Mamaw talked to Jane last night at some time while I was over. Jane is my aunt. I helped Mamaw some with her crossword puzzle.

Mamaw asked me if I wanted some of Popee’s old Trinity College magazines that he had saved though I did not take any of them.

I probably should have taken some of them. I really hope that tomorrow I will be able to walk all right, for if I do, then maybe next week I will be able to drive the car some. I have got to get back into the routine of driving the car again.

 

As far as walking, I think that today was a fluke and that I will be able to walk fine tomorrow. Some days in the past I have had these types of days exercising, when my legs just will not move right. I am obsessed with private schools, as I think a lot about looking up other private schools on the computer. I usually find something else to do, but when I cannot do much, these thoughts of finding private schools on the computer pop up. Also, I think a lot about Trinity College and going to the Trinity College website. I think a lot about these things, for I am pretty bored here at home. I feel ashamed of these things, for they seem to me to be dead ends.

I have been watching the Pacific Life tennis tournament this week, and Lleyton Hewitt is the No.1 player in the world now. Anyway, I am glad that I wrote this here today, and I feel better having written this entry now. Maybe I will be able to go to summer school this summer, and I certainly do not want to give up writing here in this journal. Now I should conclude this entry. I am glad that I wrote today and that I went to Mamaw and Popee’s yesterday. There is certainly a void where Popee used to be. I miss him, and I feel his presence often. I might want to go to the Westfarms Mall sometime soon, but I am in no hurry. I want to go to college as Popee would want me to go. I feel much better having written here today, and I hope that I will go on a walk tomorrow and that it will be a decent walk. I want to put the terrible experience of the walk today behind me. Well, now I am off. I wish the reader a good day and a fine evening full of activity. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, March 17 2002

 

I recently got home from a jog, and it is a big surprise that was actually able to keep up a jog for about a half hour today. I have a feeling that the Ativan actually helps me to jog better. Maybe it relaxes my joints or something. I was not able to read Greek today though I did read some of my old entries for about a half hour. I did not know what to do earlier today, so I looked through some of my old stamps and baseball cards. My parents went to Mamaw and Popee’s house today. Today I had a difficult time finding stuff to do. I looked up some stamp stuff on the computer, but there is nothing of interest that I found on that stupid computer. Then I glanced through the book on private schools that my dad has, as that is an obsessions of mine, comparing the endowment of Loomis to other schools. Then I went on that wonderful run, followed by reading some old entries, with a possible view to publication, for about a half hour.

I passed Mrs. or Ms. Simon today. I did not run on the River Trail today, but instead went around the train station, down Broad Street, and then through Loomis Chaffee. It is quite surprising that I really was going at a respectable jog. I have a nice stamp collection, and I might want to get into stamp collecting though I should, as Mamaw says, focus on returning to college. I want to go to summer school at Trinity College this summer if I at all can. I took my Ativan

 

today. In those early journal entries I was reading Nietzsche, and I would tell some of my dreams. I also told about my exercising. I did not find out much about private schools because I only managed to look at the book for about ten minutes. I found out that Deerfield Academy had a bigger endowment than Loomis, and I already knew this. I happened to come across some other schools, like Brooks School and the Cate School. I think that they had endowments similar to the endowment of Loomis, but the book is not the recent edition. I think that the endowment of Loomis has grown. Also, although Loomis is not too rich in money, it makes up for it in quality.

So, Loomis is better than schools like the Cate School and Brooks School even if their endowments were able to catch up to Loomis’s in recent years.

Anyway, I am talking like the village idiot. I was so encouraged by my jog today that I was able to jog for almost a full half hour without getting too exhausted. I wish that there was a pill like Ativan where one could take it at night once a day like the Zyprexa, and it would last all day and night like the Zyprexa. My obsessions are still with me as they were in those earlier entries that I read today, and the latest obsessions tells me that I cannot go to the psychiatrist appointment tomorrow because I ran through Loomis Chaffee today. I do not think that this obsession is too bad though; at least I hope not, but time will tell. I had a difficult time this morning finding things to do. My anxiety or something else was bothering me, and I could not do much. I just sat around trying to find something to do.

Today is a beautiful day, and I did not have to wear my jacket. Also, my white sweatshirt was newly washed, and I wore that over my white Nike long- sleeved shirt and over my Loomis Chaffee T-shirt. Right now I am wearing some white J. Crew pants that I like. Yesterday I wore those ugly green pants, and I had a terrible walk early yesterday. Yet I went out in the night for about a fifteen- minute run, and I did a good job with that. So, I do not know what I will do for the rest of the day, but my options are open.

I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight. Last night I accidentally broke a bowl. The big thing on television these days is the college basketball tournament. Duke University for the men is a No.1 seed, and the University of Connecticut is the No.1 seed. I will bet that the women of the University of Connecticut will win the whole tournament. Now I have got to conclude this entry. I might help Mamaw set up a computer this week. I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s this Wednesday, and I guess that if my parents want me to set it up, then I guess that I could do it. Now I am off, but I obviously wish the reader good health. I hope that the reader is going to continue reading this journal. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, March 19 2002

 

I was just recently reading some old journal entries, which were pretty good. I went on a car ride today for about twenty minutes. Earlier, I had a very hard time thinking about what to do today. The car ride was all right, and I am able to drive fine. I had my psychiatrist appointment yesterday. I think that my journal could be published. I think that it is good enough to be published. The journal shows a lot about my condition of schizophrenia. I took the Ativan today. I am wearing a short-sleeved shirt though it is cold out. I took a car ride on the route that I usually take for my bike ride. There were some people on the sidewalks walking, and I saw some people jogging. I find it harder to read these days maybe because of the Ativan I am taking. Also, my slurring a word yesterday at my appointment scared me slightly because I thought that the Ativan might be at fault. So, I am able to drive all right.

I wish that I had a nicer car to drive, though, like the Saab, which I still have. There is no use for it though. I wonder if the Ativan is helping any. I think that the Loomis people are on vacation now. I do want to go to summer school at Trinity College, and I know that I mention the name of this college a lot in my journal. Today it is a bad sign that I could absolutely not decide what to do with myself. Still, I was able to pull myself together and to take out the car. I did Greek for about an hour yesterday, and I also did some cleaning in my room. I also got my running stuff on only to find that, when I got outside, it was raining. So, I did not get to exercise yesterday though I really did want to. I wonder if I will end up going to summer school this summer. I think that that would be fun... well, if not fun at least challenging and a decent thing to do. James Bozzuto wants me to graduate from college, as he said. I talked a lot yesterday, and I think that I said more than usual, as this medicine makes one loquacious.

I hope that I will be able to jog today, as I am looking forward to doing this.

I was not able to read or to translate Greek today. I kind of wanted to go to the video store earlier, but going there would not accomplish anything. I am just looking forward to going on a jog, and I hope that, like the last time that I went for a jog, I am able to go for about a full half hour. I seem to get up early in the morning more often on this Ativan, and today this disturbed me. For example, today I think that I got up at around seven o’ clock, and I could not get back to sleep right away. This seems to be common on Ativan. I have to go downstairs and eat breakfast before I am able to get back to sleep, and I do not really get much even then. This peculiar state of things has been going on a lot since I have been on Ativan, so it bothers me that this Ativan might contribute to some insomnia that might impede my ability to have as productive a day, as I would like.

I am looking forward to going on a jog today. I really do hope that I will be able to jog for a full half hour though this might be hoping for too much. I am so glad that I was able to write today, but I am discouraged that I was not able to read yet. Yesterday I translated the story of Arion in the Herodotus book, and I do like the style of Herodotus though the content is not as good. In the story I

 

translated yesterday, Arion is brought to shore in safety from the bad sailors by a dolphin. In Herodotus, this element is actually the only one that I like. I think that it is neat that Herodotus had Arion brought home on a dolphin. So, I have maybe not been getting in as much reading as I would like.

At least I have been doing some Greek translation. I am especially looking forward to going on a jog today. Now I have got to conclude this entry. I am glad that I was able to write today. I do not know if I will be able to go to the Trinity College summer school, but I will try. With this Ativan I might actually be able to make it at the summer school and during the regular school year. I need some exercise, and I hope that my jog today will be encouraging. I am off now, but I wish the reader a fine afternoon. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, March 20 2002

 

Right now it is snowing out though this may be hard to believe. Today I read a book on stress called Mind as Healer, Mind as Slayer for about fifty-two minutes. The book is pretty interesting, and I read parts of it at Loomis. I cannot believe that it is snowing out now. My dad had some company today. I am not sure who came over today though I will bet that it was one of his former students. A couple came over with their child is what it seemed like. I hope that tonight I will go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I might have to help set up the computer though I really do not want to do this.

I do want to visit with Mamaw though. I almost went yesterday, but I decided not to. I started reading that stress book last night, and it says that without stress man would not have much of a life. This advice was encouraging for me because going back to college entails a lot of stress for me. I wonder when the college basketball tournament resumes, and I do not think that any games were played yesterday in the big tournament.

Maybe if I return to Trinity College, I will make some friends. I think that if I had some friends, that would be a good thing. I do not know if I will be able to return to college, as this illness is quite annoying. That stress book is a decent book though I doubt that stress causes arthritis as the author alleges. I do not doubt, however, that stress causes some heart problems for people. The stress book is not recent, for I read it at Loomis in a class called The Whole Person. My obsessions are so annoying, especially at night. Last night before I went to bed, I had a lot of them.

The snow is actually coming down pretty hard. I miss playing ping-pong with Popee. I really miss that, as ping-pong is a fun game. I wonder if Mamaw heard from Dr. LaSala about that letter she wrote him and that I printed out for her. I wonder if he thought that the nursing home was at fault. I heard that someone tried to break into Mamaw and Popee’s house the other day, but failed at it. I heard that he broke the lock on the back door and tried to get in through the window. This is scary news really, and Mamaw called the police.

 

If all goes according to plan, next week I will probably call Mary Thomas to tell her that I want to return to Trinity College. Also, I want to sign up for summer school at Trinity College, and I wonder what I will take. I would kind of like to take an English course, but I would like to take a low-level one so that I might get a good grade. I took a third-level English course at Trinity College over the summer, and I got a B- in it. I wonder what my dad and his company talked about. I think that my dad has to go to the doctor this week to get his stomach or colon checked out, and he might have to go under anesthesia. I wish that he did not have to do this, and I am very nervous and anxious for him. I do not think that I am going to exercise today.

I hope that the snow does not prevent me from going to Mamaw and Popee’s house today, and I think that a ride in the snow would be fun. I kind of have a headache right now. I think that this Ativan can cause a headache. This is a negative thing about Ativan though I do not feel tired on it. I did, however, feel extremely tired this morning in bed, and I could not seem to stay off of my pillow. This is annoying. I am looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s tonight.

I hope that I will be able to go to the Trinity College summer school, and I wonder when a good time to sign up is. The snow is really coming down hard. I went for a run yesterday, and I kept up a run for about twenty-seven minutes before walking up the hill right in back of my house. So, I was out in all for about a half hour. Well, now is the time for the conclusion to this entry. I am glad that I wrote today. I hope that this headache goes away. I hope that the reader is doing all right. I wonder what year the reader is reading this in, and I wonder what changes have come about since I am writing this. Well, I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Friday, March 22 2002

 

I do not know if this Ativan is helping much. I go out more, but it seems like I have a hard time doing things. Yesterday I went over to Mamaw and Popee’s house, and I brought the computer over there. I asked Mamaw if she was reading, and she said that she was not but that she wanted to. My obsessions are quite annoying. I have not had lunch yet. I do not know if I will be able to return to Trinity College, but I really do hope that I will be able to return. I asked Mamaw if she thought that I would be ready to return to college, and she thought that I would be ready by the fall. I hope that I will be ready for one course in the summer. I really hope that I will not get psychotic again. I would hate to get psychotic. Yesterday I ran for about twenty-seven minutes straight, and this was encouraging. What was discouraging yesterday is that I was on the computer looking up private schools for about an hour. This is an obsession that is not harmless. I looked up the major private schools. Their websites were kind of nice but kind of superficial. I do not know why I care so much about these schools, and if anything, I should be looking up colleges. Anyway, it is a

 

diversion when there is nothing else to do. On the computer that my mom and I brought Mamaw yesterday, the power cord and the phone line were missing. I looked in my sister’s room for them last night, but I could not find them.

I wonder if it is warm out today. I have not been outside yet. I want to call Mary Thomas next week to tell her that I will be returning to Trinity College in the fall. I hope that I will be able to handle the academics there. I really want to get a college degree, and then maybe I can go on to graduate school. If I had to go to graduate school, I do not know where I would go. I would want to go some place close by. My cousin Sarah has two kids, and I heard from Mamaw last night that she has her own house. Mamaw said that it was a small house. I am not sure where Sarah lives in Florida. I have been very encouraged by the fact that I can jog for about a half hour. I still get tired when I run, but it is not too bad.

Today I was thinking of eating out for lunch with my dad, but I decided not to. I guess that I will have an organic peanut butter and quince preserves sandwich. When I jog, I merely jog at a decent pace. I do not run, for I am not able to run for about a half hour. I took my Ativan pill while I was writing this entry. While at Mamaw and Popee’s, I talked some yesterday about the book on stress that I was reading. I seem to talk much more while on this Ativan, and I would never have talked as much as I did yesterday night had I been off of this Ativan. I am encouraged that Mamaw said that she thought that I would be ready to return to Trinity College in the fall.

Now I should conclude this entry. I am glad that I wrote today. I feel bad about looking on the computer at different private schools, and doing this makes one have the wrong philosophy in life, as the websites make one feel a false sense of importance. I was only at Loomis for four years, and this is only about one sixth of my life. Yet, upon reflection, that seems like a pretty long period. I just hope that I will be able to return to Trinity College. I feel the support of my family behind me. I still miss Popee. I am glad that I wrote today. Well, now is the time to go. I wish the reader well, and I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, March 23 2002

 

I just recently got back from exercising. I was not able to do much today though I did complete my goal of driving to McDonald’s, where I got a hamburger, drink, and French fries. I just wanted to practice driving today so that I can drive to my psychiatrist appointment on Monday. My parents are at Mamaw and Popee’s house now. I looked up Harvard and Princeton on the computer today, and Princeton’s website was much better than Harvard’s. Last night I listened to the second half of Rigoletto by Verdi and followed along in the libretto with the Italian words. Exercising went well today though I was not able to run for the half hour straight that I had hoped for.

 

The person who took my order at McDonald’s seemed nice, and she said “Thank you” to me though it is too bad that I did not get a chance to say “Hello” to her. I would usually have said “Hello,” but I guess that I was too nervous. I do not know what to do about what to read. I do not know what to do, if anything, for Latin and Greek, and I was thinking about doing them about a month before the first semester starts at Trinity College. The hamburger that I had today was pretty good though it was probably not good for me.

I probably should not have had the lunch at McDonald’s that I had, for there was probably too much fat in it. When I came there, there were not many people, but by the time that I was leaving, the place was becoming packed. I have a good chance now of going to college, and I should take the opportunity. I wonder if people at Trinity College are on vacation now. That hamburger was heavy, as my stomach still feels it. I took my Ativan today. Sometimes it seems as if the Ativan is doing little to help me and is hurting me. It seems as if I should stop taking it, but this might not be a correct thought. I did not go to Mamaw and Popee’s today because I wanted to practice driving so that Monday I will not get into an accident. I must never lose hope that I will be able to return to college.

I hope that I never lose hope. Maybe instead of focusing on Latin and Greek, for now I can just stick to regular reading like Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra. Then when the time comes for those Classical languages, I can study them then. The websites for Harvard and Princeton are kind of boring though I like the tiger graphics at the Princeton registrar. Harvard puts out tons of publications. The endowment for Princeton in 2002 was ridiculous at around 8.2 billion dollars, as it said at the website.

I saw some young people at McDonald’s today, and I guess that parents like to bring their little children there to eat. I found out that people can buy milk at McDonald’s, and I did not know that they had milk. The McDonald’s that I went to was only around five minutes away by car. I am wearing my white J. Crew pants and a button-down Izod shirt, and I look pretty good. I feel lucky to have nice clothes though clothes certainly do not make the man or the woman. I look forward to going to the Trinity College summer school.

I should do my conclusion now. I hope that the reader is doing all right. I wonder what I will have for dinner tonight though I am still full from that big lunch at McDonald’s. While I was there I guess that I saw some police training across the street at the fire and police station. There was a man and woman running after someone, the policeman pointed a fake gun at the person, and the person went down on the ground. The person in training then pretended to put handcuffs on the person. This was a depressing sight. Well, I have to go now. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Monday, March 25 2002

 

I have not exercised yet. I am writing this entry in the morning. I have not taken the Ativan yet. I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s on Wednesday. I have a psychiatrist appointment today at two o’ clock, and I feel kind of tired right now. Yesterday Mamaw came over for a visit, and she went to the grocery store with my mom. For a snack, the family had angel-food cake with strawberries. I am looking forward to warm weather. I wonder what questions James Bozzuto will ask me today. I got up earlier than usual today. Mamaw has some new shoes. I kind of want my dad to drive me to the appointment just for today. Then on my other appointments I can drive on my own.

I want to exercise today. I might call Mary Thomas on Thursday to tell her that I will be returning to college. I got a check in the mail today for about a thousand dollars from the disability program, and the money is going to pay my medical bills with the psychiatrist. Mamaw gave me two of Popee’s shirts yesterday. I miss Popee, and I cannot believe that he is gone. I will remember him more for when he was younger and very astute. I really want to return to Trinity College, and I might do that this summer. I am glad that I am writing today, for I do not think that I wrote yesterday and want to stay consistent with my entries here in this journal. I seem to type slower since I have been on the Ativan, but maybe this is not indeed the case. Yesterday I read Keats in all for about an hour, for I was reading from a fine book that was old and published by the Oxford University Press. The book is really a nice one, and they do not make them like they used to.

I do like Keats as a poet, which he is. That last sentence was meant to be funny. Yesterday I also looked over my Greek textbook for about a half hour though I did not exercise. I would like to exercise today though. The warm weather does not seem to want to come. I am looking forward to wearing some shorts. I miss exercising already. Yesterday Popee’s place at the kitchen table was not there, and I took it instead. I want to carry on the tradition that Popee had, and I hope that I will be able to do it. The sun is shining bright today. I am still very rusty as far as Greek goes.

I remember the basic elements, but I have not translated much lately. I am thus also rusty in Latin. I wonder if the Loomis Chaffee kids are back from vacation yet. They should be back from vacation soon. Part of the campus looks kind of ugly from all of the construction going on, and there seems to be a lot of work being done on the athletic center. I wonder how much Loomis Chaffee is spending on the work. The school has a fine squash center. I wonder what the endowment of Loomis Chaffee is now. I do kind of miss living there at Loomis Chaffee on campus. I have my appointment today. James Bozzuto will probably ask how the Ativan is going, and what book I am reading. Anyway, I wish that insurance covered my visits so that my parents did not have to pay so much for them. Well, now I have got to conclude this entry. I hope that I will be able to continue writing here for a long time to come. I miss Popee, for his presence gave

 

me support. I am sure that I will always miss him. I wish the reader well, as I always do. Now is the time to go. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, March 26 2002

 

I just recently finished lunch. My dad went to Mamaw and Popee’s house today to bring Mamaw some dinner. I hope that I will be able to see Mamaw tomorrow night. So far today I have been bothered by this anxiety about breathing where I have been very conscious of my breathing. I do not know what this is from, but I was thinking that the Ativan might have something to do with it, namely that I might be suffering from withdrawal since I have not taken it yet today. I hope that this does not bother me in the future though I was bothered by it a lot today. Today is quite wet out. I wonder if Loomis Chaffee is back in session. I am going to take my Ativan in about a couple of minutes. I had my appointment yesterday, as the Ativan reminded me.

He was happy that I wanted to go back to college, and he really wants me to get my college degree. Today is especially cold, and I do not know how comfortable I will be jogging in this weather. I hope that this anxiety about breathing stops. I just took the Ativan. Now I feel awfully depressed about being interrupted in writing by taking the Ativan and about taking this anxiety medicine. Anyway, my dad brought me to the appointment yesterday, but next time I want to drive on my own, as I told my dad. I read Antony and Cleopatra for about an hour today, and I liked the play. The part of the play that I read today was not bawdy, which is good. I am thinking about calling Mary Thomas on Thursday about returning to college. If this anxiety about breathing continues, though, I guess that I might not call her after all. I took out a Spinoza book, and I might read that next. My dad mentioned me going to see Dr. Higgins at Trinity College for support, but I do not know if I would want to do this.

I think that taking a tennis class might be just as beneficial. I do not know what I will do for the rest of the day. I asked James Bozzuto if he used the computer a lot. He said that he did not surf on it much but that he used it for buying books, as he thought that it was convenient. I wonder why my dad brought Mamaw dinner, but maybe she was too tired to go to the store today. My mom mentioned going over to Mamaw and Popee’s tonight, but I want to go over tomorrow night. I will bet that Loomis Chaffee has school now. I wonder what they read in the senior English classes there, but they probably read some Shakespeare. I have not heard the kid near by playing ball lately, which is good. I hope that the Ativan is not doing more harm than good. I am going to breathe for many years to come, so I have to get over this breathing anxiety.

James Bozzuto’s office is quite nice, yet one should not judge a person from how neat the other is. I wish that today was not so cold, for then I would have a better time jogging. I do not know if I will be able to return to college, but I certainly hope that I will be able to return. Lately I have gotten up early, and I

 

think that it is because of the sounds that my mom makes when she gets up for work. After I get up that early, I have a hard time getting back to sleep. I hope that I will be able to exercise today. Now I have got to wrap things up. I hope that my journal entries these days are all right, and I certainly would hate to be producing bad journal entries. I honestly at this point do not know if I will return to Trinity College or not. I certainly want to return there, but the will alone might not be able to return. I certainly should not worry about driving there, for endurance is not involved in driving. I just have got to worry about my ability to do as much work as is required at the college. Well, I am off now. I am guessing that the reader is either in good shape or in bad shape right now, and I congratulate or feel for him or her in the shape that the reader is in. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, March 28 2002

 

I think that Mamaw is going to get cable access for her computer, and I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house last night. Today I called Mary Thomas to tell her that I wanted to return to Trinity College. She was not there, but I left a voicemail. I kind of do not know what to do with myself, but I am waiting for her call. I hope that she does call me today, and I wonder how she is doing though I hope that she does not call while I am writing here. Then on the phone I might be kind of awkward. Yesterday I read Spinoza for about an hour, and I went on a bike ride for about a half hour. Then last night I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house.

Mamaw gave me a nice jacket of Popee’s. I now have four jackets that used to belong to Popee, and three of them are very nice. I wonder what Mary Thomas will think of me returning to Trinity College, and she will probably be all for it. I will not be able to go out today though until later, for I have to wait for her call. I do hope that she calls today. I was nervous calling the switchboard, for talking made me anxious. The woman at the switchboard sounded nice, and I think that she was a student. The woman in the dean’s office did not sound as nice, though, for she did not say what Mary Thomas was doing. She just said something like that Mary Thomas was unavailable. Mamaw is getting some wallpaper put on in one of her bedrooms, and the man who is putting it up is called Walter. I hope that I will be able to exercise today, and I have not been outside yet.

I will bet that it is nice out, as it looks like it. I just hope that it is not too cold. Yesterday I had a good bike ride though I might have to get used to this Ativan on bike rides. I hope that Mary Thomas calls back today, as she might not. I wonder if the people at Trinity College are on vacation, and I guess that Mary Thomas is not on vacation. I guess that I should just tell her how I feel if she calls back, and I should tell her that I really would like to return to Trinity College. I feel kind of nervous right now. I wonder how Mamaw’s bedroom will

 

look with the new wallpaper. The light coat that Mamaw gave me last night was a Tommy Hilfiger jacket. I see some green on the branches of some bushes out in the yard, so spring is coming. I cannot wait until the warm weather, when the flowers begin to bloom.

I wonder if Mary Thomas will call back today, and when she checks her voicemail. I wonder if I will really be able to return to Trinity College, as I certainly hope that I will be able to go. Only time will tell if I will be able to return there. I hope that I will be able to exercise today, as I miss it already. I am so nervous right now about the call. I am wearing some blue pants and a Florida State tennis short-sleeved T-shirt. I wonder how cold it is out. I am glad that I saw Mamaw last night. I do hope that the dean calls me today, and she might be at lunch right now. If she gets my voicemail, though, she will probably call me.

Now I should write my conclusion. I feel very nervous right now. Well, I am glad that I got in this journal entry today. I wonder if Mary Thomas will call back today. Now I am off, and I hope that I have good luck today. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, March 30 2002

 

I am not sure what to do. I kind of would like to finish Antony and Cleopatra, but I would also like to exercise. I did not write yesterday, for I did not sleep well the night before yesterday though I slept very well last night.

Yesterday I read for about an hour, and I exercised for about a half hour. I also cleaned my room. I wonder if it is warm out today. Yesterday I also went on the computer for lack of anything else to do, and I looked up the Harrow School and the Trinity School. As I was saying, I had absolutely nothing else to do, making me desperate. I feel kind of depressed right now, for I am not going to Mamaw and Popee’s today though Mamaw is coming over tomorrow. So, I guess that I will see no visitors today. I want to drive to my psychiatrist appointment on Monday.

Exercising was all right yesterday, and I was able to jog some. I do not know why I feel depressed today. It is a good sign, and something that should cheer me up, that I slept very well. While exercising yesterday, I saw Fred Seebeck. He waved to me, and I waved back. Now he is famous because I put him in my journal. I was in his Journalism class as a senior at Loomis Chaffee, and he is a teacher there. I do not know what I would do if I graduated from college, as I do not know if I would be able to handle graduate school. I sure would hope that I would be able to handle graduate school. I wonder what graduate schools would accept me. My grades are good, but if I graduate, I will have taken a while to graduate. I kind of doubt that it is warm out. The day looks dark and scary. Taking medicine three times a day can be difficult, as I can forget about taking the pills. I am so glad that I slept all right last night. Tomorrow Mamaw is coming over here. My mom did a big shopping last night, and she got

 

a lot of good stuff. While I am writing this, the church music will be playing, so I have got to not lose my cool. I wonder if Loomis Chaffee has school today. I am glad that I do not have school on Saturdays.

I hope that I will be able to handle college again. I just do not know if I will be able to handle the pressure, and I hope that this pressure does not drive me insane. Yet I cannot very well stay here at home, for that might be just as detrimental to my health. I hope that this Ativan will help me to go to college and that it does not impede me in any ways. I had heard of the Harrow School from a Latin book that I worked on at Loomis. Apparently, the Harrow School is a fine school, and I learned that the Trinity School starts in kindergarten. I learned about the Trinity School because Popee was offered a job there. The school goes up through the twelfth grade and is located in New York. The Harrow School is located in Britain. Anyway, I probably am obsessed with high schools, as I find them interesting. I read some of a note that the headmaster of the Trinity School wrote, and it was not very good in style or erudite. Anyway, Antony and Cleopatra went well yesterday.

Antony killed himself, but he did not do a very good job of it and did not die right away. I wonder how the book will end, and I am near the end of it now. I like the characters in the book, and, fortunately, the book is not bawdy at all.

Yesterday I did not like my tuna-fish sandwich for lunch. I wonder if the sun will come out more than it has. Now I have got to write my conclusion. Well, now I am off, and I am relieved to have written today. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Monday, April 1 2002

 

There is not much time until summer school at Trinity College, and I hope that I will be able to go. I have a psychiatrist appointment today, but I do not want to go on the highway. I am kind of anxious about going on the highway, so I will probably not drive on the highway but probably will go on the back roads.

Yesterday I read Hume for about thirty-seven minutes and looked over some Latin for about ten minutes. Also, I exercised for about a half hour. I could not, however, jog for the full half hour but had to walk for about ten minutes.

Yesterday on my jog, I wore shorts and a sweatshirt.

Mamaw came over yesterday, and she cried some when she saw the pictures of Popee that my mom and dad gave her. The pictures of Popee were really good, and they showed him playing tennis when he was quite young. I do like those pictures. The early dinner at about two o’ clock was really good, and I had a lot of ham that I liked. Mamaw did a toast to Popee, but I did not have a glass and so felt left out. Mamaw had a sore throat yesterday, and she talked with a very raspy voice. There is so much to remember in Latin and Greek.

I still have a lot of dreams, but I cannot seem to remember the details as well as before. I do want to drive to the psychiatrist appointment today. The back way, as my parents call it, takes about twice as long as the highway, but I

 

might still take the back way. Right now I am wearing those Nike Air Max shoes, blue J. Crew pants, and an Adidas Equipment T-shirt. Mamaw seems to be doing well except for her sore throat. Yesterday Mamaw was over, so I did not have time to write in my journal though I am glad that I am writing here today. I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house this Wednesday. I did not get on the computer yesterday, which is good news. Mamaw was trying to think of when and where those pictures of Popee were taken. She thought that they were taken in 1957 at Goodwin Park, when Popee was on the Pratt and Whitney tennis team. There was talk of the games that the family used to play at Mamaw and Popee’s house, and I remembered that I liked that game Mouse Trap. I also mentioned the game Operation.

Mamaw is getting some work done on the inside of her house. I will bet that my dad will be relieved not to take me on the drive today. My obsessions are really annoying today. They get worse when I have somewhere to go out of the house, and they are quite annoying right now. I watched part of the women’s college basketball championship game between the University of Oklahoma and the University of Connecticut last night. I should here say how much God has helped me lately and how much grace He has. I might be able to return to college because of Him. I owe Him a lot, and I hope that He continues to be there for me.

He has always been there for me, and I owe it to Him to be good. The book yesterday by Hume was pretty good, as he made some fine points. The book is huge, though, and it is called A Treatise of Human Nature. The book is not easy to read, but one can tell that it was written a while ago. Now I must write my conclusion. I am glad that I wrote today though my obsessions were kind of annoying. Well, today is a test to see how well I am able to drive alone. If I can pass the test, then I will be doing pretty well. If not, then there is always another time though I would be very disappointed in myself. I hope that I do not get annoyed on the drive today. Well, it must be a relief for my dad that I am going so that he does not have to drive. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, April 3 2002

 

I just had lunch out, which was fun. I went to a place called The Beanery, which is quite close by. Yesterday I read A Midsummer Night’s Dream for about fifty-five minutes. Also, I read some Keats last night for about twenty-five minutes.   Yesterday I exercised for a total of about fifty-three minutes but not all  at once. I went to The Beanery today. A young attractive woman helped me out, and I got an eggplant sandwich and a raspberry drink. The eggplant was not hot enough, and the sandwich was just satisfactory. I also got some gas for my dad’s car.  At The Beanery one of the women there said “Hi” to me, and she was not even serving me.  I had often seen this same woman on the River Trail, and so    she must have recognized me from there. The one who served me had on a T-

 

shirt, and on a small part of the T-shirt was a confederate flag, which is a turnoff for me. I admit that I used to have a confederate flag in my room, when I was, say, in middle school, but I am surely over that phase now. I think that I had gotten the flag when I was down South.

I also had an American flag in my room at that time. I am glad that I went to get gas and lunch, as it were. It is a surprise that the person at the gas station was polite to me. I kept noticing at The Beanery that these two older men seemed to be staring at me as if waiting for me to make a false move. So, I went out today. I just wish that the lunch was of a higher quality. Unfortunately, I did not write here yesterday. I like that Shakespeare play that I am reading though I did find that I could not read today yet.

Maybe I will make it back to Trinity College all right. Unfortunately, I am probably not going to be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tonight because Mamaw has a sore throat, and my mom thinks that it might be contagious. I do not yet know what I am going to do today though I want to exercise at some point, and probably I will go soon after I write this entry. I still have many vivid and exciting dreams.

Today is an absolutely beautiful day, and I am looking forward to exercising. On my way to The Beanery, I did not have much gas in the Toyota. I stopped at a gas station right near The Beanery. In the afternoon, I went for a run, and I was surprised to find that I could run pretty well. I ran straight for about twenty-three minutes, and I probably could have gone for the full half hour. The reason that I did not was that I thought that I saw a car crash ahead of me, and I did not want to get involved in that. My results from that run were highly encouraging. I took my Ativan recently. I have been taking the Ativan at around twelve-thirty and at around four-thirty every day, and I take two Ativans a day.

That would be something if I was able to return to Trinity College, and I would be quite happy to return there. Yesterday I  went  on  the  computer  for about fifty minutes though that is too bad. I looked up some private schools, but mainly looked at the Lawrenceville website. Their indoor track looks really nice. Anyway, I have to get over my obsession with private high schools that compete with Loomis Chaffee though Lawrenceville might be better than Loomis is. I wonder how Loomis stacks up with Lawrenceville.  I hope that I will be able to  run today, and maybe I will be able to keep it up for about a half hour. I went on about a half an hour bike ride yesterday, but my right knee was aching. I do not know why this was the case, but it really hurt for much of my ride. That knee has bothered me before on my bike rides. I just might not have stretched yesterday before my bike ride, and that might be the culprit.

Now I should conclude this entry. Last night I had some really fun and vivid dreams. I am glad that I at least got some practice driving the car even though it is just a regular Toyota. Still, the car is not ugly. Well, I hope that I find something better to do today than looking at the computer and looking up

 

schools like Loomis Chaffee. I have not been too good with giving money to Loomis, but if I am rich someday, maybe I will give a large lump sum to Loomis to make up for my present lack of funding. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Friday, April 5 2002

 

I am writing this early. I have not been able to read yet, and I know that yesterday I was not even able to write. I am writing here first thing today because I regret not writing yesterday. Yesterday night I went to McDonald’s for dinner, where the person who helped me was quite annoying. She just did not seem very nice. I brought the meal home and ate dinner with my parents. They had some ravioli, while I had the hamburger and French fries. Yesterday night I read Keats for about fifty minutes. Also, I exercised for about a half hour. I also went on the computer to look up some private schools, as I had this obsession yesterday too. Reading Keats was fun, and I read a poem “Sleep and Poetry” and started “Endymion.”

I still have not finished Shakespeare’s play yet. I wonder if I will be able to return to college all right, and I certainly hope that I will be able to. I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow, and then I have a psychiatrist appointment on Monday. I really want to go to see Mamaw tomorrow. Advance registration is due on April 30 for Trinity College, but I do not think that I will advance register. Yesterday was a tough day because until yesterday night I was not able to read. I have trouble reading it, seems, though this might not be the case. There were not many people at McDonald’s when I went. The people working there seemed in bad shape and unhappy. The time before yesterday, when I went, the people seemed much better.

I did not go on the River Trail yesterday while exercising, for the day before yesterday part of the trail was underwater from the river. I got up later than I would have liked today, but still it was not too late. The main regret from yesterday was that I did not write in my journal. On the computer, I unfortunately looked up some private schools. When I was doing this, I had exhausted my options of all other things to do, and I could think of nothing else to do but get on the computer. I could not read, exercise, or do anything else early in the day, so I had recourse to the computer.

I do like Keats, and I could tell from his writing and optimism that he was a young man when he wrote his poems. Above all, the thing that Keats liked was nature, and it inspired him to write his poems. He wrote extensively on the beauty of the natural world. He had a working knowledge of terms in nature, like flowers and banks and the like. In a way, Keats reminds me of myself, as we both are aloof from things. I like the simplicity of his writing. He likes to be alone. I wonder if he went to college, and I doubt it. I do not think that his work caught on right away. The press was not good to him at first, which I think is why

 

he stopped writing the work “Lamia.” Keats died very young, maybe from an infection.

Popee died from an infection of the lungs with pneumonia. I miss him very much, as there is a big hole that he filled when I visit Mamaw. The church music is going to come on soon, and I will have to write over that. I hope that I will be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. Whenever I am driving, I get very nervous seeing a police car because I am afraid that the driver will pull me over for some reason. I can drive pretty well though. If I return to Trinity College, I will need to get an identification card. I still have some of my old cards. I hope that I will be able to exercise today. I do not know if I will be able to return to college, but it cannot hurt to try to return. While exercising yesterday, I saw some people sitting on benches at the bus stop. I got kind of nervous when I passed them, for I was afraid that they might say something to me. Then I passed a woman in a small car, and she asked me for the time.

I should have said that it was time for her to get a watch. Now I should conclude this entry. I am glad that I wrote here today. I hope that I will be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow, and I also hope that today is less chaotic than yesterday. I hope that I do get to see Mamaw tomorrow. After I write this, I have lunch to eat. I hope that I do eventually finish the Shakespeare play, as I do not have much more to read in it. I will likely see the reader soon. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, April 7 2002

 

I had a bad headache when I got up this morning, and this morning it did not seem to let up. Yet now the headache is better. Tomorrow I have a psychiatrist appointment. Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house, and I helped hook up Mamaw to the Internet. The process was slightly annoying, though, for one had to go through all of the signup stuff. I showed Mamaw the Trinity College homepage. I have been debating in my mind a lot whether I want to advance register at Trinity College, as I kind of would like to visit the college. I do not want to bother Mary Thomas with telling her that I want to start with about two courses for the fall. I do not know if Mamaw is coming over today. I did read for about forty-seven minutes today.

I read some of Endymion from Keats. I had trouble at first, but then I got into it all right with understanding it. I am not even sure that Keats understood what he was writing. Some parts are complicated. I wish that I did not wake up with a headache today, but that seems to have gone now. If I do exercise today, I should go out for a walk. I hope that it is relatively warm out today. Mamaw got new yellow curtains for her kitchen. So, now Mamaw is hooked up to the Internet. She has her own email address too. I do not know the point of getting hooked up to American Online if she wants to go to AT&T, which is cheaper. Yet yesterday I helped hook her up to America Online, and it was my mom’s idea.

 

I do not know if I will make it at Trinity College, for I still seem to have these annoying obsessions that tell me how much I can do each day in terms of athletics and academics. These obsessions are annoying to say the least.

Yesterday I listened to some Henry Purcell suites from The Prophetess and from The Faerie Queene, and I do like some of his music. I like the first half of The Faerie Queene much better than the second half though. I probably know more facts about Trinity College from that webpage than many people at Trinity College, as I have gone there a lot on my computer.

The poem Endymion is about the young man Endymion, who dreams this wonderful dream about a young woman with supernatural powers, and he has seen her three times. He becomes lovesick for her, and his sister tries to comfort him and take him out of his foolish depression. His sister is very nice. I think that her name is Peona, and that sounds kind of like poesy. Keats was a smart dreamer. I like reading this book because the book is so nice, as it is an old book with a red cover and fine leaves. If the book was in fine condition, it would undoubtedly be worth a lot, but the front cover is off though I still do have the front cover, which is loose from the rest of the book.

I do hope that I will be able to go on a walk today, and I do not want my headache to get in the way. I have taken my Ativan today, but who knows if that Ativan is going to work. I guess that I will try to advance register just to see the college and to give me something in the short term to look forward to. It is too bad that I was not able to read Keats for a full hour today, as I got tired while reading. I hope that I am not being foolish with my ideas to return to college. I am glad that I am keeping up this journal in which I tell my thoughts. My hair is still wet. I was thinking that it might be nice to see some Loomis games when the spring comes. Maybe I could watch some lacrosse games, as those are always entertaining. Yet I might then be busy with summer school as I certainly hope that I will be. My parents are not home right now. I am not sure where they went, but I think that they took the car out.

Well, now I have got to end this entry. I am glad that I wrote today. I think that it is important to keep up this journal, and it might just get more interesting in the near future with my returning to Trinity College. I do hope that I have the wherewithal to go to college and that I can do the work there without getting too stressed out. I do not know if this will be the case, but I can always hope that things will be all right. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Monday, April 8 2002

 

I just recently ate dinner, and I ate a lot for dinner. I had an awful day really, for I woke up late and did not get to do anything; then I had to go to the psychiatrist appointment. Now here I am after dinner, having accomplished nothing yet today. The psychiatrist changed the time for the appointment as he called today. He changed the appointment from two-thirty to three o’ clock. I

 

have not been out to exercise yet. I do not know if I will be able to get to it today, for it is getting late. Still, it is light out late these days, so I might get a chance to go out for a jog. I might have gotten up so late because I was depressed about going to the appointment today, but I am foggy in the early hours.

I am sure glad that I can go to this journal and write. I looked through my dad’s books downstairs, but I wish that he had some expensive volumes, like the Keats book that Popee had and that is in the house now. My dad does not have many expensive books. I figure that I might be able to read that Keats book for the future, and that should keep me occupied some. I woke up so late that I did not get to read or write earlier. I had to just watch some television and then get to my psychiatrist appointment. When I got back from my appointment, I looked at some of my dad’s books downstairs. He had a lot of philosophy and poetry, and some of the poetry books by T.S. Eliot and Wallace Stevens looked pretty good.

I hope that I do have a chance to jog tonight though I hope that it does not get dark before I have a chance to run. Maybe I will have more energy now that my Zyprexa is wearing off. My mom still has not come home from work. I am looking forward to going to Trinity College in the summer, and I am probably going to go to advance registration too so that I can see the college as soon as possible. Today was an awful day, for I did not even get to drive to the psychiatrist as I wanted to. The reason for this was that since I woke up so late, it got my feathers all ruffled. I had to take the Ativan right after I got up, and this ruffled my feathers up enough so that I decided not to drive and to let my dad drive me for today. I had a great dinner tonight with split-pea soup and ham with pineapple. I would like to go to Mamaw and Popee’s on Wednesday night.

I want to see Mamaw as much as possible. Tomorrow I hope that I will be able to read some. I do like Keats, but I hope that Endymion does not become too boring. The Keats book is really nice, and I like reading from it, as it is no ordinary physical book. I went to the psychiatrist appointment today, showing that I am dependable. I talked to him about me going to summer school and about Shakespeare a lot. I was there for about a half hour. I told him that I had finished A Midsummer Night’s Dream. In the play he remembered the potion and a character called Puck. So, I guess that he has a pretty good memory. He told me about this movie that he really liked about Shakespeare, and it was with Al Pacino. I think that today it is pretty cold out.

I hope that it stays light enough for me to go running today, as I really want to do that. Yesterday, unlike today, was a good day, as I got to read some Keats and do other stuff. I told James Bozzuto about how Loomis Chaffee was being expanded with the new athletic center. He thought that Loomis Chaffee was an amazing place, or he said something like that. I wonder when the last time that he was at Loomis Chaffee was. I think that my mom just got home. My dad brought me to the psychiatrist appointment today. I have to remember that sometime in May I have to print out this journal, which has not been printed out since September something of last year, thus I have a lot to print out.

 

I am looking forward, maybe foolishly, to going to Trinity College this summer. I just hope that I will be able to handle going there and will not freak out under the pressure. Honestly, I cannot say whether Trinity College will work out, but if it does not work out, then at least I have given it a go. I know that sounds awfully depressing, but I have had a depressing day. I really hope that it is not too cold out to run today. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I hope that I will be able to run soon after I finish this journal entry. I am looking forward to warm weather, which should be here but is not. I am kind of looking forward to when I can print out this journal in May, and by then the weather will likely be warm. This New England weather is certainly unpredictable. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, April 9 2002

 

I just recently got home from a bike ride. Earlier, I went to The Beanery for lunch and read Keats for about fifty-three minutes. So, the day has been successful so far. The hardest part of the day was figuring out what to do after lunch, and it was also hard beginning to read. When I got going, I flew along well though not effortlessly. I saw the pretty lass at The Beanery today, and she seemed to make a face as if she recognized me. A different person took my order today. For a drink I bought Fresh Samantha tangerine juice, which was good.

The drink costs $2.50, as it is all natural. I saw a different young woman there whom I have seen before on the trails, and she said “Hi” to me when she passed by. That there were not many people there when I came by now makes me wonder how their business is doing.

I read some of Endymion today, and I do like this work by Keats that is in my book of complete Keats poetry. Endymion goes to wonderful places in the book, and he is a lovesick man. It is good news that today is quite warm. At The Beanery I had a chicken-salad sandwich on pita bread, which was good. I almost did not go in, for I was not in the mood for ham or turkey. Yet then I remembered that they had chicken salad, so I decided to get that with tangerine juice. I got the money from my dad.

I am looking forward to printing out my journal in May. I might do it twice in May, for I might not be able to print it all up in an hour on one day. I see those Loomis Chaffee kids playing in the fields, and I guess that they are playing a game called ultimate frisbee. Today is not a game day for the regular teams.

Wednesday is a game day as is Saturday. This is for the uninitiated. I am looking forward to advance registration at Trinity College. I want to be there in about a couple of weeks to meet with my advisor and to register for classes for the spring term. Also, I want to get a parking permit and to pick up a summer catalog. I will be busy soon enough, and I must take care of myself till then.

Today is an absolutely beautiful day, and it is a true spring day. I notice that things are beginning to bloom albeit sparsely. I wish that I knew more about

 

flowers. Mamaw knows a lot about the names of flowers. I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house tomorrow night, and I am sure that Mamaw wants to see me go to college. I feel bad that Popee could not have seen me in college, but I want to return to college partly because of him.

I do like the Keats book. I wish that I had a nice car like a Saab, and there is a Saab here though it does not work well. I am talking about the old Saab that I used to drive. Going from a Saab to a Toyota is difficult indeed though I unfortunately have gotten used to inferior cars. The Saab looks nice though it does not run well. All it is is a statue, so to speak. That chicken-salad sandwich really filled me up, as I am not even really hungry right now. I am writing close to dinner, and I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight. I wish that I weighed less. I wish that I did not have this gut though one cannot notice it with a button-down shirt on.

I went on a fine bike ride today, and my knee bothered me for a bit before the pain all but went away. I did pass some people on my bike ride today. I am glad that I am writing here, but I would rather be at class at Trinity College, where I could see the nice chapel and the fine Long Walk. I miss Trinity College, but it seems like I will be there soon enough. I am looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s house tomorrow night. I need to see as much of the world as I can. I wonder if Mamaw has a book to read now. She is having some work done on her house recently. Those kids from Loomis Chaffee are still out there. I am lonely no doubt, and I am looking forward to going to Trinity College.

Now I should write my conclusion. Well, Trinity College is coming up, and I have got to try to succeed there or my future prospects are bleak. I will likely remain a Classics major. I will need to talk to my advisor soon. I just want to be there at the college and to see the wonderful chapel. I am about through writing now. I have to continue going out to drive, for I have to get used to it before going to Trinity College so that I will be able to drive there. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, April 11 2002

 

The weather is lovely and beautiful out. I just got home from exercising. Yesterday I did not write because I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house, but I did read for about fifty-three minutes. Mamaw was in good spirits. Today I did a lot of calling on the telephone. I called Linda Gilbert to find out if I needed to advance register, and she works in the office of the registrar. She said that I did not need to. Then I called her again to ask if I could take a summer school course, and she transferred me to the Office of Special Students. The person there told me to call Sylvia in the registrar’s office. The person at Special Students was kind of annoying though she tried to be nice. Sylvia was someone whom I could relate to, and she was nice.

She said that I could take a summer school course. So, I do not need to advance register, and things are looking up. I hope that when I get to Trinity

 

College I can find some friends. I think that if I had some real fine friends, that would be good. My obsessions are worse than ever these days, but I must not let them interfere with the good things that are happening to me. So, I am getting the summer school information in the mail. I kind of want to take that English course. Sylvia was nice, and she asked me if I had a voluntary withdrawal or a required withdrawal. I told her the case, as I had taken a voluntary withdrawal.

I am glad that I called Linda Gilbert, for I found out that I do not have to advance register. I want to practice some Latin and Greek over the summer though. Last night I went for a run, and I was able to run very well for about a half hour straight, when the medicine was wearing off. I kept up a decent jog for any man my age, and this brought some normalcy to my life. I listened to Mahler’s Fourth Symphony today, and his third movement was entirely boring though his other movements with that motif and the bells was interesting. The soprano solo was nice though it was in German (as Mahler was German). The third movement reminded me of some Wagner overtures. I think that Mahler was German, and I think that Richard Wagner was German too though I have about a one percent probability that I am wrong.

Fortunately, I slept well last night. I woke up with a sore throat, though, and I hope that this does not get worse. I want to eventually get a job or go to graduate school. I do have hopes and dreams that I want to accomplish. Today really is a beautiful day, and it is actually warm out. I wore a short-sleeved shirt and shorts exercising today. I wonder if I will be able to handle the work at Trinity College, and I sure hope that I will be able to do so.

I miss Popee, and he always wanted me to return to Trinity College. Now I see how important it really is to return to college. I hope that I do not become too lazy today. I got that Mahler CD along with a Brahms CD at Mamaw and Popee’s house last night, but I have not listened to the Brahms CD yet. I hope that I will get to read some Keats today. So, today was big in that I got in touch with some people from Trinity College. Summer school is in sight and is in about two months. I hope that I get some stuff in the mail from the college, and I hope that my parents will be able to get all of the financial-aid stuff done. I hope that there are no problems relating to financial aid. I hope that the reader is doing superbly, and I hope that the reader is wishing me well as I plan on going to Trinity College soon. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Friday, April 12 2002

 

I listened to a Brahms symphony today, and it was his Second. Also, I cleaned my room well. I went for a walk earlier too. I also read for about a half hour and finished the poem Endymion by Keats. I cleaned my room pretty well, but I could not find the attachment to the vacuum that I wanted. The Keats poem ended with Endymion getting to fly away with a goddess, so it obviously ended happily. His sister went back home through the forest in wonder. I just

 

need to get to Trinity College because I think that now here alone at home I am lonely. I wanted to take a sort of day off today, but here I am writing this entry because I want to write today- I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow, thus I will probably not have a chance to write tomorrow.

I am glad that I finished Endymion today, and the next poem that is in the book is called Lamia. I wonder what that is about. Endymion was like an epic poem. On my walk I passed two old ladies. I also passed a young woman, who was listening to a portable tape, radio, or CD player. I could see the earphones clearly. I wonder when I will get my information about the summer school.

Although I meant to take a day off today, I guess that I have not done so, and that makes me depressed. I like writing here and looking at this computer, but I meant to take a day off. I am kind of glad that I got in an entry today.

I watched some television today, as I saw the swimming and diving college championships, which the University of Texas won. I hope that I will be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. I did not take the car out today. Last night I took the car out to the Clover Street School, which was of course my elementary school, but there is an ugly fence for security around it now. Everything these days breeds security, and even the small dog pound in Windsor has sign that says that the area is under alarm surveillance. The world is so paranoid these days with people sitting behind their desks staring at the computers all day. Well, this is the case in some instances. Today I saw some kids who were walking along dressed in lighter clothes than me. I think that the kids whom I saw were Loomis kids since Loomis is so close by.

Today was an absolutely beautiful day, and I had a wonderful walk though I felt kind of tired during it. I have got to remember all the wonderful circumstances that I have, and I should not dwell on negative things. Last night I looked through some Latin paradigms for about ten minutes, and I am very rusty on these. I am not as good at Greek as I am at Latin. I do hope that I will be able to return to college all right. If I am not able to, I do not know what in the world I will do for a job, and maybe I could be a writer here at home. I would obviously much rather be in college.

Now I have got to write my conclusion. I am glad that I got out in this really nice weather today. On the pond I saw a string of small turtles basking in the sun on a piece of wood that was floating there. The marsh was alive with sounds today, and it is truly wonderful that spring is finally here. Now I am off. I obviously wish the reader well. I hope that this nice weather persists. I am off.

Bye bye.

 

Sunday, April 14 2002

 

I was just reading a book about Boccaccio. I did a lot today, when one adds everything up. Earlier I listened to a symphony by Brahms, which was his Second. Then I went on a walk for about a half hour. Then I went on the

 

computer for about an hour, looking up Ferrari and Hotchkiss. I mainly wanted to look up Ferrari cars since I really like these cars. I was sort of disappointed in the website because there were not enough pictures of Ferrari cars. My dad’s computer is kind of slow too even though it is a pretty recent computer. If he had a cable connection to the web, then things would have gone much faster.

Anyway, I had a nice walk today, and the day is absolutely beautiful and warm. I wore shorts, and I got hot wearing a button-down shirt. Also, I read a book on Boccaccio for about fifty-two minutes. The book was well written. I did not feel

like reading Keats today, and I needed a change today. The author of the book on Boccaccio gave some background information about the time that Boccaccio wrote in. He wrote about the history of Italy in the time that Boccaccio was writing. On the River Trail today were some beautiful small purple flowers, which were blooming on the side of the trail.

I passed a lot of people on the trail today, and most looked pretty different. There was one kid who took his shoes off and was walking with bare feet on the concrete. Later I saw this weird one sitting above a big pipe entrance that led to the pond with the mosquito statue in the middle of it. I did not let that behavior get to me, though, as it cannot hurt anyone. Boccaccio wrote before the Renaissance, but he had such contemporaries as Giotto, the famous painter.

My dad did his doctor of philosophy degree with a dissertation on Vico, and I wonder when Vico lived. I think that he lived after Boccaccio, though, and Vico was an Italian. Some of the names that the author of the Boccaccio book mentions are so long and have so many vowels in them. The names are complex, and thus somewhat remind me of Japanese names. Both Italian and Japanese names are at times difficult to read and pronounce, but the main quality of these difficult names is that they are complicated and long.

I found the Boccaccio book in the basement, where my dad has hundreds if not thousands of books in bookcases. I hope that I will eventually finish the Keats book, though, and I finished the poem Lamia yesterday. Yesterday I read Keats for about an hour, and then later at night I think that I read some of my journal for about twenty-two minutes. I am concerned about how long I have been away from Latin and Greek. This summer before school starts, I will absolutely need to review Latin and Greek, and I am probably very rusty in them both. Summer school is coming up, though, and I hope that I will be able to handle summer school. The time for dinner is fast approaching. Those people whom I saw on the River Trail today looked rather weird in their dress though I should not judge people by what they wear. People should be judged rather by their personality.

There are nice clothes, but the people’s hearts should be judged. That said, it is proper and can be an extension of one’s heart to dress nicely, albeit not expensively if one cannot afford expensive clothes. I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight. I am glad that I am writing here today, and this writing here

 

comes as a surprise because I had not planned on doing all that I accomplished today. My old journal entries are pretty good.

I read some of those from about a year ago. Popee was alive then, and I was playing ping-pong with him on the visits to Mamaw and Popee’s house. Now I feel sad that I cannot play ping-pong with him any more. Now I have got to end writing. I wish the reader fine tidings, and I hope that the reader always finds something decent to read. I hope that the reader is doing all right. I hope that I will be able to watch some television tonight, and I had a fine day today. I do not have a psychiatrist appointment next week. I hope that I have a pretty good dinner, and for lunch today a had a pretty good peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Well, I am about through with my entry for today. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Monday, April 15 2002

 

I am writing in the evening, and it is still light outside. I had a slow day today, which started off with me basically doing nothing. I went on the computer for about a half hour, and I looked up Deerfield Academy though looking up another private school made me sick. Then I sat on the porch, and I guess that the weather cheered me up some. Then I went for a walk for about fifty minutes on the River Trail, part of which is flooded. I passed some people on the trail, including two teenage girls, one of whom was talking into a cell phone about meeting someone somewhere. I passed a man who was on the heavy side and who was wearing hiking boots. I had a good walk today, and I did not get tired.

Then when I got home, I had trouble thinking about what to do, but I finally decided to read some old journal entries, which I read for about forty-nine minutes. Today I wanted to go out to lunch, but my dad had to go to lunch with Mamaw today so that I could not take out the car. So, I am kind of depressed about that. Now my mom is talking to Mamaw. Today was really quite a beautiful day out, and I am glad that I finally managed to get out for a walk.

Maybe tomorrow I will be able to go to The Beanery. I was disappointed earlier that I was not able to go there.

I was reading my old entries, and I was doing a lot of academic work when I was twenty. Now five years later, I do not do as much, when I actually should be probably doing more. I got my list of summer classes from Trinity College today, and there are really not too many courses offered this summer because I think that their library is being overhauled and improved. I wish that I could have read Keats instead of some of my old entries today. I feel kind of greedy for reading those very few journal entries. The entries that I read were huge. Today really was a beautiful day, but I just did not know what in the world to do in the morning hours.

Now spring appears to have arrived, for it was warm today. I wore shorts and a sweater on my walk. I was out there for about fifty minutes, and it was nice that there was not an excess of people there. I feel bad that I did not get to go to

 

The Beanery today. Actually, I wanted to go to The Beanery or McDonald’s since the last two times that I went to The Beanery I was disappointed in their sandwiches. With the journals that I read today I was in the class Mythology in the summer, and this was a fine class. I got an A for a final grade in it. I feel kind of bad that I did not go to The Beanery today. I have not watched much television today. I watched two episodes of “Full House” this evening, and that is about all.

Today was a wonderful day as far as the weather is concerned, and things seem to be falling into place today too. Tonight I guess that I will watch some television though there is usually not much on television. Summer school starts up pretty soon, and I am looking forward to that. I kind of wanted to get the mail from Loomis myself today, but I could not find the courage, like the cowardly lion in The Wizard of Oz. Now I am off, but not before wishing the reader a fine and productive day. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, April 16 2002

 

I am writing this at night when it is black out, and I guess that I could call it darkling night. Right now it is really warm in my room, and I am wearing shorts and a short-sleeved T-shirt. I exercised for about fifty-seven minutes total today. I walked for about a half an hour, and then I went on a bike ride for about twenty-seven minutes. Also, I read Keats for about fifty minutes, and I really liked his poem entitled “Fancy,” which summed up my beliefs about fancy. I kind of wish that it were not so hot in my room right now. I went on the computer for about an hour today; my opinion of the Taft School keeps improving, as they had a really nice website. I also looked up Blair Academy, and I like Taft much more.

The Keats book is going well, and I still like Keats as a poet. I guess that one would not call him a writer but a poet. I think that my parents are out on a walk now. This morning I could not have imagined all that I did today, but my dreams came true. In the morning I do not think that I can do much at all with my day. I think that in the morning I should go for a walk or go on the computer, as those are easier things to do than writing or reading. Well, tomorrow I really want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I am kind of tired right now, and this kind of feels good. I passed tons of people on the River Trail today.

Most of the people did not really dress stylishly, but again one cannot judge people for their clothes. The day was absolutely beautiful, and I am glad that I was able to exercise today. Also, it was a relief my right knee did not hurt on the ride. Parts of the River Trail are flooded over. I passed a couple kids who told me this, and I replied that I knew. I was not mean to them. They seemed like kind kids. I rode on the River Trail some, went around the railroad tracks, and then went down to Loomis Chaffee, where there is all that construction going on. I saw a lot of people with hardhats, and there was a police officer there too. So, I saw part of Loomis, and this was when not many people were out for

 

athletics yet. The fields looked serene. I wonder how the new athletic complex will look when it is finished. Loomis Chaffee is running out of room in which to build things. I was there only briefly today. I still obviously do like Keats as a poet, and it was tragic as they say that he died at so young an age.

Right now it is pretty hot in my room, and I hope that it does not get too hot tonight. Not long ago, mere weeks ago, it was cold. New England weather is crazy. There were two yellow jackets in my room today, and my dad got rid of them. The window was not in properly, and this let the bees in. Now things should be all right. In Keats I especially liked “Fancy,” but I also like the short poem “Ode to Psyche” and also “Ode to Melancholy.” Both were quite positive. I am glad that I am writing here tonight even though, as I said, I am kind of tired. It might have been a mistake that I did not take the car out today. Tomorrow I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I miss playing ping-pong with Popee. Mamaw is apparently doing well, and I am very glad at that. I think that she cares for me a lot.

I wish that I knew more about flowers. I wish that this house had a nice big garden and that I could learn all the names of the flowers that would bloom there. For the rest of the night tonight I think that I should rest up. I wonder if there will be anything good on television tonight. I am looking forward to summer school though I hope that it will not be too hot in the classrooms. I hope that I will be able to handle the work too. All of those private school websites, which I am familiar with now, have places to go to for academics, admissions, and sports, among other things. Sports is a big thing on the websites, and I wonder when that athletic complex will be finished at Loomis. I have not taken my Zyprexa yet, but I will do so soon.

It is good that I did not read any of my old journal entries today. Now I should write my conclusion. I now feel more tired than when I started this entry. I think that this weather is good for the constitution. I hope that this Ativan will help me out and not hurt me. I take the Ativan two times a day still. Anyway, the reader probably does not want to hear me talk about medicine. Trinity College is fast approaching, and I just hope that I will be ready for it. Well, I will probably go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow, so I will probably not write tomorrow. I am glad that I wrote today. I will see the reader soon, and I obviously wish the reader well. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, April 18 2002

 

I just was reading some old journal entries. I used to write those long entries. Whereas I used to write for about an hour, now I write for about a half hour. The computer was not working today as far as the World Wide Web was concerned, as on the screen it said that “authentication failed,” whatever that means. The day is too hot to even read Keats or the biography of Boccaccio, and I just feel so hot that I cannot do much. Yesterday night I went to Mamaw and

 

Popee’s house, and the family talked about the Odyssey by Homer for some time. Mamaw did not think that kids these days were getting a real education. Things are finally getting green.

I told my family what I had read yesterday from the book on Boccaccio.

Yesterday I read this book for about a half hour, and I listened to Mahler’s Fourth Symphony. After I got home from Mamaw and Popee’s house, I cleaned up my room. The day is so hot that I do not feel like doing anything. My mom went to work today with the Honda, which unfortunately does not have air conditioning. I did not exercise yesterday, and I have not exercised today. I miss exercising. I have kept up this journal pretty well lately. Today I read those old entries, and though I had them in front of me for about an hour, I actually read less than that. I also listened to part of a CD by Veruca Salt. My old journal entries were mostly about college. I wrote about my time at Trinity College. In the entries that I read today, I was taking four courses in addition to taking piano lessons and writing in my journal. I was doing a large amount of work there at college.

Now I do not do nearly as much work as I used to, but that might change when I go to Trinity summer school. Right now it is boiling in my room, and I hope that the room that I will be in for summer school will not be boiling as well. I took my Ativan today, and I am writing in the afternoon. It is kind of miraculous that the leaves are finally coming on the trees. I just cannot stand this heat at all. The heat is stifling, and not long ago it was cold out. I wish that I could exercise even if I only take a walk. It is disappointing that I did not get to read Keats today. I am sure that there are some dangling modifiers in my entries, as my grammar is not perfect. I just do not have time to write here and to go over my grammar, as going over the grammar just seems a tedious job to me.

In the entries that I read today, I did not notice my mentioning any outside reading book that I was reading, and maybe I was just concentrating on my college work. I wish that I lived in a gigantic mansion, where I could sit on a chair outside in the sun, with the pool right next to me, and sip lemonade. I would want to be next to a wonderful pool, or, better yet, be near the ocean and watch the waves come in. As it stands, though, I am in this boiling room in the middle of Windsor, and this tune has been played a lot, as the reader knows.

I have written a lot in my journal, but what the journal really needs is a college degree. Yet maybe this is not the case. I feel so hot in this room, and I think that down stairs it is cooler. I am wearing some ugly green shorts with a ripped Amherst College T-shirt. So, I am not exactly in style today. As the computer did not work today, I was not able to look up private schools. I did, however, write a list of the top twenty high schools in the nation in which Taft was in the top spot followed by Andover. Anyway, I would like to get my legs moving a little even if I do not go very far. I honestly thought earlier that I would like the spring weather, but this scorching heat is far from enjoyable. In fact, it is oppressive.

 

Now I should end this entry. I am glad that I wrote here today though today was tough. I hope that the temperature drops soon and that my mom gets home from work today all right in a car that does not have air conditioning.

Everything seems hot, as all objects take on the heat of the atmosphere. I hope that tomorrow will be less hot so that I will be able to take a walk. I am glad that I went to Mamaw and Popee’s last night though it might not seem that way since I have not mentioned that visit much today. I had a good visit last night. Now is when I have to go. Bye bye.

 

Friday, April 19 2002

 

I just was reading some Keats. I had a hard beginning to my day since it was so hot in my room then. Now things look brighter, as I have been able to exercise, read, and now write here. I went out on a bike ride for about thirty- three minutes today. Also, I read Keats for about an hour. Right now it is not too hot in my room. On my bike ride I wore my Yale hat because my hair was kind of wet. In the morning I felt really tired and washed out. I had a good bike ride, and my right knee did not ache much though it did ache a bit. Today I finished Hyperion by Keats. I do not know which thing surpassed Saturn and the Titans, which they complain so much about. At first I thought that the poem was about how Christianity replaced paganism, but then Jove was mentioned as replacing the old order though I do not understand how this could be (Jove is the same as Saturn as far as I know). The day started off absolutely terribly, for I was swooning in bed early on. The computer connection does not work for some reason, so I could not look up anything on the web. This is an inconvenience, for I like going on the web.

I am getting well along in Keats, and I am looking forward to finishing it though I still have a ways to go. Keats was a smart cookie. After Keats, I would like to finish the book that is a biography of Boccaccio; obviously, I started this already. I did not pass many people on the River Trail today except Louise Moran, and she said “Hello, Jonathan.” Earlier today, I listened to the Second Symphony by Brahms. Today really is a beautiful day.

The leaves are now quickly forming on the trees. Part of the River Trail is still not able to be navigated from the flooding. I do not know if I will be able to make it at summer school, but I am optimistic. In summer school I will probably be doing much more work than I am doing now at home on my own. Yesterday night I looked briefly through a newspaper, and I also went on about a twelve- minute drive to Clover Street to practice driving in a scenic place. I wish that the Keats book was in better shape. I still look up to God a lot, and I admire His grace and His might. I hope that He will be with me for a while. I know that He will be there for me as long as I be there for Him. I know that He helps me through my problems.

 

I hope that the Boccaccio book remains fun to read; it is entertaining. I hope that I will be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow, as it is important to get outside for me. I saw on the news the other night a piece on psychotherapists in which it was said that psychotherapists set goals for their patients or help the patients set goals. I feel that James Bozzuto sets goals for me even though I might not have agreed with them at that time. For example, he set the goal of meeting with me once every week, and I did not always agree with this. Also, he wanted me to go to college, and I did not agree with this. Yet he is persistent, and he has got his way in both of these categories. Psychotherapists always think that they are right though I might just be showing some angst.

The day is really nice out. I seem to do much better in the time after the morning. In the morning I feel awful, and then during the day I seem to do much better. I do not always feel awful in the morning though. I still miss Popee very much. I know that Mamaw misses him a lot too. Now I should conclude this entry. I am glad that I wrote today, and it comes as a pleasant surprise. The day is so beautiful today. I am glad that I went on a bike ride though I kind of wish that I had a better bike. Well, now I am off. I have not mentioned the reader enough lately, and now I must say that the reader is imperative for me and that without the reader to read my work might not have much meaning. Anyway, I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, April 21 2002

 

I am going to have dinner soon. I am writing this in the late afternoon. Mamaw came over today, and I had to wait while they went on a long jaunt. Actually, I got pretty angry with them all, for I was left at home waiting for a long time. I really was annoyed at them, and I was forced to look through old Trinity College magazines. I went for a walk for about a half hour today. I feel depressed right now. I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house yesterday, and yesterday I read for a total of about an hour and a half. Also, yesterday I went for a walk for about a half hour. Earlier today I listened to Mahler’s Fourth Symphony.

I do like this symphony though Mahler is not nearly as talented as Mozart, but I have thoroughly listened to all of the Mozart that I have. It is a fine accomplishment that Mamaw drove over here on her own. She is tough. I have to take from her example to drive to my psychiatrist appointment next week on a Tuesday. Today is a beautiful day. I wish that I did not have to wait so long for them to come home. I wore my blue Alligator jacket on my walk today; actually, it belonged to Popee. I kind of wish that my dad had gone to Trinity College, for then I could have had a real legacy going there. I think that my mom is taking the day off tomorrow.

For lunch today I had a peanut butter and honey sandwich. Also, I had some strawberries. I saw a girl fall from her bike today, and she seemed to be in

 

pain. I did not know what to do though I kind of wish that I had said something to her. I just walked by, not wanting to help because I might have made the wound or whatever worse. The girl’s dad was dressed in shabby clothes and drove an old white pickup truck. I had an awful time here today while my family was out. I thought that they were just going to go to Kmart, but instead they went everywhere. They went to a housing-development place, where there were some houses that Mamaw might like to buy. I told her right before she left that I liked her house. She said that her legs ached when she went down the stairs, and this pain of hers stinks.

Mamaw is quite smart. I am not even sure if they went to Kmart. They said that they went for a ride in the country. I was here at home, and for lack of anything else to do I flipped through a couple Trinity College magazines. They were old though and had old news in them. I feel bad that Evan Dobelle left Trinity College. He just left too soon before he could make an impact. Now he is the president of the University of Hawaii, as far as I know. Mahler’s Fourth Symphony is all right, but without those bells the symphony would be much worse.

The bells make the symphony. Actually, it is not really the bells but kind of like a tambourine motif that appears at some times during the first and fourth movements. The symphony has four movements, and for much of the last movement is a haunting solo by Judith Raskin. I have taken one Ativan today, and I will have to take the second Ativan about twenty minutes late today since I am writing this journal entry. So, I have a psychiatrist appointment on Tuesday. Last night I read part of the introduction to the Keats book, and it was confusing. The introduction is about the editions, editors, paper printed on, and dates of publication of the poems of Keats. There was some talk, however, of the process of writing that Keats went through.

Now I have got to conclude this entry, and I am glad that I wrote here today though my day was not as good as yesterday was so far. The morning of today was better than the morning yesterday, though, for this morning I think that I got up at around ten. Today is a beautiful day, and I am glad that I went out and wore Popee’s old blue Alligator jacket. I passed some people on the River Trail, but I did not say “Hello” to any of the people whom I saw. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Monday, April 22 2002

 

I recently was reading the biography of Boccaccio. I finished reading about twenty-nine minutes ago. I wanted to go out for a walk, but it is too cold out for that even with the big American Eagle jacket. When one breathes outside, one can see the mist. The Boccaccio book is all right, but it annoys me that the author has an entire chapter for a work by Boccaccio called “Diana’s Hunt,” saying at the end of the chapter that some people had thought that he did not even write it. If Boccaccio did not write it, I might have read a whole chapter for

 

nothing. I went on the Internet today, but it is a relief that I did not look up private schools. I have not wanted to say the word Internet in my journal before today because the spellcheck on my computer does not recognize it as a word. Instead of looking up private schools I went to the Sony classical music and to the Tennis Magazine webpages.

At the Sony page I looked at what works they had out for Mozart, Mahler, Haydn, and Vivaldi. For Mahler, they basically just had his symphonies, and there were not too many CDs for Vivaldi. There were a lot of CDs for Mozart, though, and I saw some that I would like. Today I also looked through some photo albums that my parents had put together a long time ago, and there were a lot of baby and kid pictures of my sister and I. Unfortunately, tomorrow I have to go to the psychiatrist. I want to drive there on my own to get practice, for I will need to drive a lot if I do go to college. I think that my sister is coming home at the end of May. By the way, I read the Boccaccio book for about fifty minutes today. I miss walking already. I did not listen to any music today.

Right now it is drizzling out ever so lightly that one could almost call it a mist. The time is coming up when I will need to print out my journal entries.

My mom stayed home from work today. I cannot believe how cold it is right now. This New England weather is kind of crazy. Mamaw came over yesterday, and she wore a nice green jacket and her nice relatively new Eastland brown shoes.

She bought those shoes recently. I would like to hear some other of Mahler’s symphonies, and I like his Fourth Symphony though Mozart is much better to listen to. I feel pretty well writing this now, and yesterday in the evening I felt quite happy. Tomorrow is going to be tough, though, for I must go to the psychiatrist. Yet I will get some practice at driving the car. I am writing this in the afternoon. I have been thinking about publishing my journal.

I do not know if publishing my journal would work out though, and I would really need to edit some of my earlier entries. The book on Boccaccio is pretty decent. I hope that I will be able to return to Trinity College. I cannot predict whether I will be able to return though though my whole family is rooting me on. I would like Mamaw to stay in the house on Tremont Street, for I really like that house, as it has so much history in it. I saw a picture today with me in it, when I was a kid looking over a typewriter with Popee looking over me. He was such a good grandfather to me, and I miss him very much. He wanted me to return to Trinity College, and maybe just maybe I might make it there in the fall. I felt kind of strange today after being on the computer, and I tried to think whether I had taken two pills of Ativan today though I figure that I have not done so. I just felt like I was in a dream or something. Recently my mom got me some new sheets, and this act has improved the quality of my life.

With clean sheets that fit my bed and a new pad under the sheets, I do not have to put the sheet back on in the middle of the night or get stuck by the coils in the mattress. Anyway, I go to the psychiatrist tomorrow. James Bozzuto’s being on vacation is why I did not see him last week. The Boccaccio book is a

 

hardcover and is pretty long. Well, now I have to write the conclusion to this entry. I hope that the reader is doing well and that he or she is happy. Tonight I guess that I will watch some television. Last night I saw a movie on television called Another 48 Hrs., and it starred Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte. The movie was simply satisfactory and not too good. My obsessions are still quite annoying, and I cannot seem to get over them. Although this morning I was doubting whether to return to college, I admit that now I am looking forward to returning to Trinity College. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, April 23 2002

 

I feel kind of depressed right now. This morning I had a crisis, when I was doubting whether I could return to college. Also, I was depressed about having to go to see the psychiatrist. I do not know why I feel depressed right now. I am writing this late at night at around nine o’ clock, and I usually go to bed these days at around ten-thirty. I went to the psychiatrist today, but I did not drive on my own, as my dad drove. My dad helped out Mamaw with the garbage or something. Today I read the biography of Boccaccio book for about an hour during which time I read the chapter entitled “Filocolo,” and Filocolo was a work of Boccaccio’s. I do not even know if there is an English translation published for this work, and the author gave a fine summary of the book. I am going to need to get a haircut soon.

I went on a jog and walk today, jogging for a total of about ten minutes and walking for a total of about twenty minutes. So, I exercised for about a half hour in jogging to the River Trail and walking around it before jogging back home. I went to the psychiatrist appointment, where James Bozzuto was, about ten minutes late. Although I thought that he was going to ditch me altogether, he showed up, yet I stayed for only about twenty minutes. I am so glad that I have clean sheets on my bed.

Today I listened to a Brahms symphony. I listened to his Second Symphony and to about half of his Third Symphony. James Bozzuto gave me support as far as school goes, and he really wants me to return to college. For vacation he went to Martha’s Vineyard. I asked him how the weather was there, and he said something like that it was nice. I would like to go to Martha’s Vineyard sometime. Recently, I wrote a preface to this entire journal, which took about ten minutes, and it is a summary of my thought about my earlier journal generally, when I was going to college. I kind of had a headache today, as I might be fighting something. I cannot believe that James Bozzuto was late today. I can see why Anthony Macro was mad at me when I came in late for those Classics courses. My dad suggested today that I call Anthony Macro about what course to take in the summer, and he also suggested talking to Mary Thomas about a course of study. I do not know if this journal will ever be published, but if it is, I

 

hope that people do not find me boring. I hope that I do not write too much in the journal.

I was reading some of my own journal lately, and it seems like a shorter half-hour entry might have its advantages over a longer entry, as these one-hour entries might just might be tedious to the average reader. I read that Boccaccio wrote the Filocolo for peasant ladies, and this is surprising. I also read that he wrote The Decameron for ladies, and I think that I might have known this before.   I like learning about Boccaccio, for I really liked The Decameron, which was a really long book. The author of the biography said that the Filocolo was long and that some people find it tedious to read. I feel, like Keats, a desire to be famous. I think that Keats was really driven to be famous; I mean that he really wanted to have fame. In the last sentence I used a semicolon, which is something that I almost never use.

I understood works in Keats, such as Endymion, Lamia, Isabella, and Hyperion, but when I got to the section of the Keats book that had his posthumous poems, these seemed either poor of quality since they were lesser known or else since I had a hard time understanding them. So, I was forced to leave off the Keats book, having read his masterpieces but not all of his canon, so to speak, at this time although I read all of his works before in a different Penguin volume. I read the complete works of Keats in the Penguin volume before but not lately. The book that mom gave me is stellar as compared to the Penguin volume. Now is the time to finish this entry. I hope that the reader does not find my entries cumbersome in his or her mind. I think that my entries are fun to read as I hope that the reader discovers this too. The last thing that I want to be is boring. Well, I have got to go now. I wish the reader good luck and fine karma. In any case I am off. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, April 24 2002

 

I am writing this at night. More specifically, I am writing this at about eight o’ clock. I feel kind of tired actually, but the kind from being on this medicine maybe. I do not know if I ever will make it to college. I went out for lunch today at The Beanery, where I had an eggplant sandwich, which was pretty good. This is a pleasant surprise, for the last time that I had an eggplant sandwich there it was pretty disgusting and stuck in my stomach all day. I am kind of glad that I am writing here now. I saw the young woman who works at The Beanery, and she took my order. She certainly is not a preppy though she seems nice.

I am talking about the one who wears clothes that are strange, and before I saw her wear a shirt with a confederate flag on part of the shirt, which I guess was something like a Dukes of Hazzard shirt. She almost dropped the change into my hand the wrong way; she said something, and I laughed. “Thanks a lot,” I said, when she gave me the sandwich, and she said, “Have a good one.” Today I

 

also got some lemonade, which was made by Fresh Samantha. My mom asked me if I wanted to go to Mamaw’s today, but I said that I wanted to go on Saturday and Monday. Apparently, that is all right with her.

I went on the Internet today, and I looked up two good sites: Brooks Brothers and Banana Republic. I really liked the Brooks Brothers site. I was on the computer looking on the Internet for about fifty-three minutes today. Also, I was working on translating part of Verdi’s Falstaff for about fifty-five minutes today, and the opera was fun to translate so far. I have got to get back to regular reading, though, and hopefully I will be able to return to the Boccaccio book tomorrow. I will need a haircut soon. I went on about a thirty-two-minute walk today around the River Trail, which is no longer flooded much. I walked a loop around the River Trail. I am wearing my blue J. Crew shorts and my checkered Abercrombie and Fitch button-down that I wore a lot at The Masters School in Dobbs Ferry, New York. I have not worn this shirt much lately precisely because I used to wear it so much, but I picked it out to wear today for nostalgia, I guess. There is a full moon tonight, and it looks beautiful from here though, unfortunately, my blinds blind part of my view of the moon.

I do not know if I will be able to return to Trinity College, and I really want to return there. I must not despair if I do not have the resources to go there. This Zyprexa really takes its toll on my motivation and ability to do stuff. Falstaff is about how Dr. Cajus is mad at Falstaff’s servants because he thinks that they have taken his money out of his pockets when he was drunk, and he is mad also because they got him drunk in the first place. I think that the scene takes place in an inn or a drinking tavern. The opera is by no means a recent production, and Verdi obviously is not my contemporary. Translating the whole opera looks like a tough task, and I would right now, while I have peace and quiet, rather read books in English.

My mom wants me to print up a letter that Mamaw wrote, but I need a new printer cartridge to do this. I hope that the Boccaccio book remains interesting, and I am kind of disappointed that I did not get to finish the red Keats book with the gold edges on the pages. My room is in good shape, but I have to tell the reader that I have a very small room. I have done all that I can for a room of this small size, for I have wall-to-wall carpeting and nice furniture. I just must remember that I could get psychotic at any time, and I must be grateful for what I have. I have been very consistent with my journal this week. Even though I had my psychiatrist appointment yesterday, it seems like it was so far away. I passed two high-school kids on my walk today, and the guy said, and I do not know in what context, that it was love at first sight. The girl walking with him was wearing Adidas shoes.

I wore my Yale hat on my walk today though I would probably not wear a Yale hat to Trinity College. So, I was going on my walk incognito with a Yale hat on. I have some pretty good hats from when I went to Loomis. Now I have to write the conclusion. I am glad that I wrote tonight though I am kind of tired

 

right now. I have to take my Zyprexa soon. Well, now I am off. As always I look fondly on the reader. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, April 25 2002

 

I just recently was watching television. I got a couple CDs and five books from the bookstore today. I am writing this at night. I had a very difficult day today, for I was unable to read more than a total of about ten minutes. I just did not like the Boccaccio book. I thought about reading a fantasy book or a science- fiction book, but I decided I did not have an interest in those things. So, I decided to go to the bookstore tonight to get some Shakespeare books, and my mom brought me to the Borders bookstore in Manchester. I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s this Saturday. I went on the Internet today, and I was mainly looking up Choate. Since I did not have a decent book to read in the house, I got desperate to do something, and that something was to go on the Internet.

Tonight for CDs I got Mahler’s Fifth and Eighth Symphonies. I was kind of rushed by my mom tonight, and that might be part of the reason why I did not look at the back of the Eighth Symphony, where I would have found out that it was a choral piece. If I had known this, I probably would not have bought the CD though it was not too expensive. Maybe I will find some friends at Trinity College, and I would be thrilled to have some friends there. Today I did not get to exercise, as earlier I just was tired and then did not want to go out in the cold and then later it was raining for a long time.

I read the Boccaccio book for about eight minutes, but I got bored of it. I do not think that I am going to stick with that book. I did like the chapter on Boccaccio’s life, though, and I found out a lot about him. Today was one of the toughest days of recent times because I was not able to do as much athletics and academics as I wanted; now I sound like a private school webpage with the words athletics and academics, and those sites are terrible because they are all the same and boring really. I fawned over the building photographs of Choate today, but I was desperate and just did not know what else to do. I listened to Mahler’s Fourth Symphony today, and I like that symphony very much now. Mahler is growing on me, so to speak. On the way to the bookstore, my mom asked me if I still wrote in my journal, and I said “Yes.” So, I am glad that she still cares that I write in my journal. I told her that I had a hard time reading today and that I did not like the book that I was reading.

I am writing now when it is pitch black outside, and it is around nine- thirty right now. I do not mind much writing at this time. I cannot say much about my trip to the bookstore other than I spent about twenty-five minutes there. I got five Shakespeare books, and each was not very expensive running about five dollars a pop, so to speak. So, today was a hard day in which I did not do much work. I am looking forward to seeing Mamaw on Saturday. I almost

 

said Mamaw and Popee. I miss Popee’s presence so much. I want to go to the cemetery to see him soon, and I hope that he already has a tombstone or that he will get one soon. I have a feeling that I will be going to that cemetery a lot during my life. I hope that I will always have the freedom to see Popee in the cemetery and that I will obviously not be locked up in some state mental institution. I want to play ping-pong or tennis with him.

Tomorrow I have to type up a letter for Mamaw, so I might not write here tomorrow. The letter is written in longhand by Mamaw, and it might be something about insurance. My mom went to the store next to Borders tonight to get the ink cartridge for me to use in my printer for the letter. So, I will probably type up the letter for Mamaw tomorrow though I hope that I do not take too long with it. So, I might not write tomorrow and the next day, yet I will undoubtedly be back Sunday.

I hope that the Shakespeare books will work out all right. Now I have got to write my conclusion. Today was chaotic, as the reader can obviously tell from my description of the day, not to mention my chronic swooning in the morning that made it seem as if I could never get up. I feel fine now, but tomorrow morning I have got to fight to stay awake in the morning. I have got to make that an aim of mine. So, I am off now. I will probably get a break from writing tomorrow. Yet I might decide to write after all though I doubt it, and there is not much pressure on me to write here then. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Friday, April 26 2002

 

I was just watching television, but thought that I could take a break to write this. Somehow this day turned out to be good, for I was able to read Shakespeare for about an hour. Thus, I now have a decent book to read. I am reading Titus Andronicus. I also went for a walk today for about thirty-three minutes. The walk was nice, for I saw a lot of birds. Right now it is about seven- thirty at night. I had a tough start to my day as usual, but things perked up when I listened to Mahler’s Fifth Symphony. My walk was nice, and I passed three women, who looked boring (like middle-school teachers). Right now I have a nice view of the yard, and the trees look really nice. Unfortunately, I had to type up that letter for Mamaw today, and that was kind of annoying because the printer cartridge is not working properly, as the print quality is terrible. Also, I did not print up the whole letter because there was a part of the letter on the other side of a piece of paper that I did not see.

I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house tomorrow. I did not go on the Internet today, so that is good. I am not desperate, for I was able to have some help from the deceased Shakespeare. Listening to Mahler also helped. I am not wearing any shoes now, as wearing just socks has become the norm for me when I am doing something in my room, which is tidy these days because I do not allow a pile of clothes to build up here. I do not feel tired right now, and I feel

 

glad that I can write this here now. I am so happy that I was able to read Titus Andronicus some today, and I hope that I will eventually be able to finish that book, which will be an accomplishment since I did not finish the biography of Boccaccio.

I wish that Shakespeare wrote more stuff, but with summer school coming along I will probably have enough Shakespeare to read until summer school starts, at which point I guess that I will be reading the course books. I have a psychiatrist appointment next Wednesday, and I wish that I could see the psychiatrist once every two weeks instead of about once every week. I printed out the short preface, which I recently wrote, for my journal. Now I have the ink to print out my journal though I wish that the print quality was better.

The Mahler symphony was pretty good, or else I probably would not have listened to the entire symphony. That there was no singers in the piece makes it different than his Fourth Symphony. Yesterday I almost bought Mozart’s violin concertos, but I kind of wanted to listen to some symphonies and was not sure if Mozart’s violin concertos were his strong points. Mozart had an undoubtable genius in piano concertos and symphonies though his horn concertos are kind of boring. I wonder why Mozart was so much better in his piano concertos than with his horn concertos. I wonder if Mozart was a master at not only writing for the piano but also with actually playing the piano. As I am writing this entry, the sky has become darker, and soon it will be darkling night. My new private school obsession is Milton Academy, but I probably will not follow it up by going to look it up on the Internet. These private school and college fancies should be eliminated from my life. I do not know why I picked Milton Academy, but probably I picked it because it is relatively close by and because I like the name. Who knows where these fancies come from; vanity, all is vanity.

The letter for Mamaw was about how she wanted her insurance to pay for the ambulance that brought Popee to the hospital. As it stands now, her insurance, or whatever, has apparently turned her down. She wants them to reconsider and has written a note explaining in full the events that led up to the ambulance drive. Popee has passed away not long ago, and he will undoubtedly always be in my memory. For example, I wore his nice beige Tommy Hilfiger jacket today on my walk. Watching television is not easy, for from the seven o’ clock to eight o’ clock time period there are just repeats of the shows that I like, like “Friends” and “Just Shoot Me.” So, I am left watching shows about celebrities at those times.

I kind of miss reading Keats, but I have read enough of him. My aunt Ann is retiring from her job, and I wonder what she will do now. I hope that she finds happiness. I can see the yellow moon tonight through the trees at a low point in the sky. I will probably not write tomorrow if I go to Mamaw and Popee’s house tomorrow. Obviously, I still hope that summer school and then regular school will work out at Trinity College. I hope that the reader is doing all right and

 

laughs at my obsessions with colleges and primarily private schools. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, April 27 2002

 

I am glad that I am writing here. I had a very good day today, for I was able to do a lot, as I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house, exercised, and read. Mamaw told my mom and me one of her dreams in which I sung in the church choir and preached the scriptures from the pulpit. Actually, she dreamt that Elizabeth told her that. I was outside Mamaw’s house today working on her roses. I scraped some soil off around the roses, raked some leaves, and put these leaves in a big bag made for that purpose. I am a little bit tired right now. I did a lot of work out there. I read Shakespeare for about fifty-five minutes though I was somewhat disappointed that the plot got so violent and disgusting. Still, I admire Shakespeare’s writing.

I am reading Titus Andronicus. My mom gave Mamaw the letter that I wrote up. I hope that Mamaw gets her way with the letter and does not have to pay the ambulance bill. Mamaw was sorting pictures today. Mamaw said that she finished two books this week, and it seems that that is a good thing. I was so proud of her, and I told her that that was good. My dad drove on the way to Mamaw and Popee’s, and I want to drive there next Saturday. I saw a young woman, from next door, whom I have been thinking about some today, for she might have been Jeanie Corcoran, whom I played with when I was really small.

Today she got in a red Volkswagen from next door and drove off. I think that she had blond hair. I saw the two cats from next door too, and one of them was drinking from Mamaw’s bird fountain. Mamaw asked if I had heard any news from Trinity. Later, I told my family about how I got a letter from residential life about if I wanted to board. Mamaw thought that I should board if I want to and after I do well at home. In Mamaw’s dream last night, she dreamt about a younger Popee. I think that the entire family looks favorably upon him, when he was young and such a force.

I wonder if that is how my family looks at me. The flowers that I was tending in the yard were roses, and I wonder when they will come out. I asked Mamaw what color the roses would be for each plant, and she said that she did not know. I dug up one rose flower because it was not doing well. The family brought the printer to Mamaw and Popee’s house, but my parents did not bring the cable that connects the printer to the computer.

So, I brought the printer into Popee’s library upstairs, and Mamaw will have that to use on Popee’s desk. Today was a beautiful day, and I wore khaki- colored shorts. I also wore a rugby-type shirt with my new blue Adidas shirt under it. I exercised today for about a half hour. I did a loop of the River Trail, and there was a mother with two children on the trail. There were some people hanging out on the sides of the trail. I read some Shakespeare today; the

 

language was of high caliber, but was tainted by the plot. There is just so much killing and lust in the story, making me wonder why Shakespeare with his genius did not write stories of virtue and morality.

I am hoping to go to college pretty soon, and I want to sign up for summer school in early May. I am glad that I went to Mamaw and Popee’s today, and I want to go there Monday night as well. I cannot believe that I am writing this entry tonight, for I had not planned on doing so. Maybe my Ativan is working after all. My dad put down the mulch today, and my mom went shopping at Wild Oats. Mamaw gave my mom a picture of her and me that depicts my mom when she was much younger and when I was a baby. Right now it is pitch black outside, and I cannot even see the moon now. I hope that I will be able to finish the Shakespeare play relatively soon.

Now I have got to conclude this entry. I have been worrying some about if this journal will ever survive my life, for if I get psychotic again, I am liable to burn the thing or throw it in the river or something. Anyway, I am glad that I wrote here tonight. Maybe this journal will survive, and people might be able to get something from it in the future. Well, tomorrow it is slated to rain, so I might not be able to exercise. I hope that tomorrow will be as good as today. I wish the reader good health and good times. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, April 28 2002

 

I have not been out to exercise yet because it is rainy out. I was just on the Internet, and I looked up Tennis Magazine. I was on the Internet for about an hour. Earlier today I read Titus Andronicus for about an hour. The Tennis Magazine website was a nice one. The Shakespeare play is still kind of disgusting as far as gore is concerned. The sun is nowhere to be found today, and it looks kind of gloomy though I do not mind gloomy. I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house tomorrow. The problem with the Internet is that one runs out of websites to go to. I am looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s house tomorrow, and maybe the temperature will be warmer and the sun out. I am wearing preppy clothes though I need new shoes now. I was swooning in bed this morning, and I felt really terrible this morning because of it. The swooning was terrible, and it seemed as if I were barely conscious.

On the Tennis Magazine website I found articles about the top sixteen racquets (in the opinion of Tennis Magazine), James Blake, and Charleston, South Carolina, where -by the way- my aunt Jane lives. Jane is getting divorced from her husband Ivan, who will be the soon-to-be-nonexistent husband. I miss exercising, but it is just too cold and rainy to go out today. I was thinking about looking up Milton Academy today, but, thankfully, I did not look it up, as that would have been random if I had.

Titus Andronicus has a lot of gore in it and is not one of Shakespeare’s better plays, in my opinion, though it is still entertaining. Titus’s sons are killed in

 

suspicion of killing Bassianus. Titus’s daughter is raped and has her tongue and both arms cut off. I learned in a note that Shakespeare liked Ovid’s Metamorphoses very much. I also liked the book, and I translated some of this work from Latin to English in a third-year Latin class at Trinity College. The Internet gets old quickly, so to speak, and all of the interesting websites one quickly uses up. I mean that there are only so many websites that one can be interested in. I do not know why I am having such a tough time explaining myself. Anyway, this morning I was swooning, and I did not like it. I just felt like sleeping until noon. I think that I got up about ten-forty today, though, and I was swooning after I got up for a while. I hope that the sun comes up tomorrow in greater force on this earth than it did today.

I miss exercising, as that is good for the mind. Right now it is quite cold out. I am wearing my Nikes, my blue J. Crew pants, and a light-green Abercrombie and Fitch button-down shirt. I am going to need a haircut soon. Yesterday I helped Mamaw out with the roses, and I think that my dad said that the roses looked healthy. I raked some leaves under the bushes, plowing over some flowers that Mamaw said had had their day. The crocuses sure had their day, coming out very early and then disappearing as quickly as they came out. The time for registration for summer school is coming up soon, and I hope that I make it to the college early in the month of May to sign up.

I wonder how Mamaw’s dinner was at Bertucci’s last night. Mamaw’s house is really nice, in my opinion, and this is not only because it is big but also because it is neat. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I wish that the weather permitted me to walk today, yet I guess that I will have to wait till tomorrow for exercising. I am looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow, and I ask the reader not to be surprised if, therefore, I do not write tomorrow. Well, I have run out of things to say. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Monday, April 29 2002

 

I was just watching television. I had a mental breakdown today, as I talked to my parents about not taking the Ativan and about not going to college. As it stands, I am not returning to college, but am staying with the Ativan. I hope that life will be all right for me without college. Today I read Titus Andronicus for about an hour, and I also walked for about a half hour. Also, I listened to a clarinet concerto and to an oboe concerto by Mozart today. I need a haircut soon. I took the Ativan late today at around six o’ clock, and I hope that that does not disturb my sleep.

I am almost through with the Shakespeare play. It is too bad that I did not see Mamaw today. I talked with my parents today at dinner, and they supported my staying home from college. I told them that the medicine wore me down and made me have little motivation or physical energy. My parents seemed to be pretty nice to me today. Mamaw thought that I should stay on the Ativan, as she

 

told my mom that she thought that I was more relaxed and social on it. So I decided to take the Ativan late tonight on Mamaw’s advice. Also, my mom said that she thought that the Ativan helped me. So, I am let down about not returning to college, and I just do not think that I can make it there. So, I do not know what to feel right now, as I am being pulled in different directions. I feel bad and relieved at the same time. I am kind of glad that Mamaw told me to stay on the Ativan, as I think that the Ativan might be helping me out. This morning I got up at around eleven o’ clock, which is quite late. My parents were supportive of me today. My dad said that he thought that it was good when I go out to lunch in the car, and I agree with him on that point.

I just have given up hope on returning to Trinity College though I still hold it very dear to my heart, yet there is still time to change my mind on that. I do not hold out much hope for returning though. I am looking forward to printing out my journal in May. Listening to Mozart today was nice. I told my parents how though I want to run fast, I cannot. I also said that though I want to return to Trinity College, I cannot because of this Zyprexa. I did have a good walk today though for part of the walk some talkative ladies were behind me. I feel emotionally tired right now, and now I have thus pinned down how I feel. I just feel drained from all of that thinking. I hate the Zyprexa so much, I really do. I do not know where I would be without Shakespeare these days, as his writing really at least is readable. The modern writers are all very poor. I do not know what in the world I will read after I finish the Shakespeare plays. I feel emotionally exhausted, and I wish that I had not taken the Ativan at six today, as that is too late to take it. So, James Bozzuto will be only half disappointed to learn that I will not be returning to college because I have as yet not given up on the Ativan. I should go to the Ativan website. I am just kidding.

I hope that I did not seem like a loser to my parents at the dinner table today, when I was talking about not going to college. For dinner tonight I had some chicken cutlets and corn. I feel kind of depressed right now. My sister is coming home at the end of May, and pretty soon she will have been graduated from college and will have a home of her own. So, I will probably not see her too often in the future, and I wonder how she is doing now. There has not been much good on television lately though I am not that interested in the television, but I like looking on the Internet. Also, I like listening to music, and I hope that those things will not stop. I need some new shoes now.

I am looking forward to sunny and nice weather coming up in May though I dread hot weather. I hope that I will be able to help Mamaw with the computer that she has. I feel so tired right now, and I guess that I need a good sleep. I hope that the reader is not let down by my news today. At least I have been consistent in writing here, and I hope that a really good medicine comes out for schizophrenia. I hope that there will be a good drug that comes out that will help me with my illness, but I might be having a pipe dream there. A good medicine for schizophrenia is probably ten years away. Yet I cannot lose hope

 

that something will come out for me and for the many other people with schizophrenia in the world. Well, reader, now is the time to end this journal entry. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, April 30 2002

 

I was just on the computer. I was looking up the Los Alamos National Laboratory, and there was a lot of interesting stuff on that site. I read about the Mars Odyssey robotic spacecraft that is in orbit around Mars and that is sending out neutron bursts, finding out about what the surface of Mars is made of in different spots by the amount of the neutrons that are reflected back from the surface of the planet. I read a lot of articles on the website, and I was there for about fifty-five minutes. They have got a really fine website there. Today was a beautiful day. I had a good walk, and I was out for about thirty-three minutes. I wore shorts and a sweater. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow, and I am not looking forward to that for sure. I have to tell him my decision last night not to return to college, and he will probably want me to go to some program for people with schizophrenia that I would not want to go to.

I finished the play Titus Andronicus today, and Titus kills his daughter so that she will not live in infamy. This is the only action that I did not agree with in the play. I do not think that Titus should have killed his daughter. I am glad that I went on the Internet today. I read about a new theory of black holes in which it is posited that the black holes are not holes at all but that they are more like bubbles with a void in the center and with extremely durable and dense matter surrounding this void.

I was also interested in the piece on antimatter. The scientists were trying to capture antimatter for some hours, and I think that to a degree they succeeded. I do like science, and I am not too bad at it either. In Titus Andronicus, Lucius becomes the next emperor. Tamora is to be killed as well as Aaron the Moor. So, a lot of people die in the play. Titus looses two sons and a daughter.

The two sons of the evil empress Tamora, who are Chiron and Demetrius, are killed for cutting the hands and tongue off of Lavinia and for raping her, and Titus puts the heads of the men into the food for their mother so that she has to eat her sons. So, I have finished the play. Obviously, the play is kind of disgusting. Tamora is set up to die soon at the end too. Aaron the Moor, as Shakespeare calls him, is a very evil man in the play. I guess that I will stick to taking the Ativan as I have been. Maybe the Ativan does help me some.

On my walk today, I passed two older people, who seemed to be man and wife. I passed another couple of which the man who is pretty old has a very angry looking look whenever I pass him, and I have seen him before. Anyway, I had a good walk. I was somewhat cold at the beginning of my walk, but I warmed up as I was walking. I saw a woman jogging, and this is the woman who wears Trinity College clothes when I see her, as she probably is an athletic coach

 

there. I guess that I will still take the Ativan, as that seems to allow me to do more with my day. I walked kind of slowly today. My dad asked me if I wanted some steak tonight, but I said that I wanted fish. I would not be able to eat any steak tonight, for I like steak only rarely, like a diamond. I like it not rare but well done. I included some jokes in that last sentence. My obsessions are still extremely annoying and they have come back recently relentlessly.

There is not much going on on television, except for the professional basketball playoffs. I hope that the Los Angeles Lakers win the whole thing, for I like Shaquille O’ Neal and Kobe Bryant. They swept the Minnesota Timberwolves in the series, and Minnesota was their first opponent. Now I have to write the conclusion. I hope that my obsessions abate somewhat. I hope that the reader sticks with me even though I am probably not going to be a Trinity College student. Maybe the reader will be relieved to know that I am not going to college so that he or she does not have to hear me talk about college. Now I have got to go. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, May 1 2002

 

I was just watching boring television shows, and there is nothing decent on television tonight. I went to the psychiatrist today. I told James Bozzuto the plot of Titus Andronicus, and I did pretty well in telling about the story though I had a slow start. At the appointment I talked about how I did not want to go to summer school though he was not mad at me. He said that he would not tell me how to manage my education or something like that, and he asked me what my parents thought about it, and I said that they thought that my decision was all right but that they liked to see me get out of the house.

Today I read Love’s Labor’s Lost by Shakespeare for about fifty-eight minutes. Also, I went on a jog for about a half hour without stopping to walk, as it was late in the afternoon and the Zyprexa was wearing off. I want to do the first installment of printing out my journal next week. I do not have my next psychiatrist appointment until not this Monday but next Monday. I listened to Mahler’s Fourth Symphony today, and I found the third movement tedious. I wish that I knew German so that I could understand Judith Raskin’s solo in the fourth and final movement.

Love’s Labor’s Lost is a strange play about love with some random scenes. James Bozzuto told me that I should get a tape of Shakespeare and listen to it. I am glad that I was able to run for about a half hour without walking. I am looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s on Saturday. I hate to let Popee down in not going to college, but I feel that I will not be able to make it at college. Right now I am wearing shorts and a short-sleeved shirt. I would like to go to Mamaw and Popee’s in a week’s time on Wednesday, yet that might clash with my printing out this journal next week. I saw some people on the River Trail today. I

 

passed a tall, skinny woman, who was walking a huge skinny dog, which looked like a greyhound.

I passed a girl who was jogging, who had on earphones, and who did not seem to take any notice of me or the other people on the trail. I passed a family, with one toddler girl on a tiny bicycle with training wheels. My dad brought me to the psychiatrist appointment today. He is patient for doing so, and he had some coffee at Mamaw and Popee’s house while I was at the appointment. My mom went to the grocery store recently and got a lot of snacks there.

Right now when I am writing, it is pitch black out. I was amazed at some of the new photographs that the Hubble telescope in space recently beamed back to earth, and I wish that I had a book of those photographs to look through. I found out about these photographs on the news. I have not gone on the Internet today, and my dad told me in the car that the computers were down at Loomis today, which would hinder me logging onto my dad’s computer that I use for the Internet. That last sentence was awful, but so far I am writing pretty well. This Ativan really relaxes me, and I seem to really be relaxed by it. I hope that it does not take away from my individuality though, and I hope that these psychiatrist sessions do not take away from my individuality either.

I kind of want to read Les Miserables by Victor Hugo, but that is such a long book that I do not know if I can or want to hack it. I have not read that classic yet. I hope that I have a journal that is readable and that is not boring to read. For snacks tonight I had some vanilla soy milk and some potato chips. I have a fear of anything with vanilla extract, for that might contain some alcohol. Usually, foods use an extremely small amount of vanilla extract if it is used in them, but I still do not want to consume even a micron of alcohol.

For my run today I wore Nike shoes, Nautica socks, black Adidas shorts, and my Adidas T-shirt that matched my shorts. The worst time of day for me is in the morning, when I cannot seem to do much productive and when I wake up very late. Today I woke up at around 10:53 A.M. though I had woken up earlier, then ate breakfast, and then went back to sleep. I have got to write a conclusion now. I am looking forward to printing up my journal next week. I do not feel tired right now, but I feel a false sense of relaxation. I wonder how long the Ativan really lasts. I hope that I am not turning into a hack. Well, the psychiatrist appointment is over. Now is the time to go, but, of course, I hope that the reader has decent days ahead of him or her. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, May 2 2002

 

I was just on a walk on the River Trail. I am not going to take the Ativan anymore, for I just do not need it. It is a hassle to take it twice a day. I read Shakespeare for about forty minutes, but I just could not understand it in many parts. Right now it is rainy out, and it is sprinkling. The main thing today is that I am not going to take the Ativan tonight because I do not think that I need it. I

 

do not want to do too much tonight. I will just let the Ativan get out of my system. I just hope that I do not get psychotic again. I went on the Internet today, but there is nothing worthwhile on the Internet as I think about it.

There are still some books that are worthwhile though. There is not much worthwhile in music either. I hope that I feel better when I get off of this Ativan. So, it appears as if I am through with Love’s Labor’s Lost.  There were some really bawdy parts, but I did not even really understand them. I am disappointed in the play, which had so much potential when it began. I had a good walk, and I wore Popee’s beige Tommy Hilfiger jacket. I miss him very much, come to think of it. I am looking forward to seeing Mamaw on Saturday. I miss playing ping-pong with Popee. I am going to be glad to get off of this Ativan, for I suspect it tires me some.

I am glad that I got a nice walk in today. I hope that the reader did not mind my entries when I was on Ativan. Of course, I will still take the Zyprexa every night, and I realize how important that is. I know that Mamaw wants me to stay on the Ativan, but I do not want to stay on the Ativan because it hinders my academics. I feel kind of depressed right now, kind of let down that Trinity College did not work out. Right now the professional basketball tournament is going on. I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight. I was just thinking about maybe staying on Ativan, but I have learned not to trust psychiatric medicine.

I always have good dreams, which give me hope. Of course, I hope that a better schizophrenia medicine will come out, and I wonder when the next medicine will come out. I heard that my sister might want to work at the Yale New Haven hospital for the summer, but I might have heart wrong. I saw a lot of birds on my walk today. My dad asked me in the car yesterday whether he should go to Italy to see his relatives there, and I answered, “I guess.” Then he asked me if I want to go to Ogunquit, and I said that I did not know. Ogunquit is in Maine. So, it looks like I will not get a college degree anytime soon. Tonight I plan on not taking the Ativan, and maybe I will have more energy without it.

Well, I am in a way glad to be giving up on Ativan. Now I have got to conclude this entry, and I wish the reader fine tidings. I am looking forward to probably seeing Mamaw on Saturday, a day that seems to be named after Saturn. Anyway, bon voyage Trinity College, and hello Windsor. I hope that I will be able to go to college when I get a better schizophrenia medicine. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Friday, May 3 2002

 

I just recently got home from a walk. It is good that I did not take the Ativan today, and I feel like I have a lot more energy without it. I had a good walk for about thirty-two minutes. I have not read today. I passed two women, one of whom said “Hello” to me. I saw a man and his dog, and I passed a man who was wearing jeans. I wore shorts on the walk, and I was a little cold. I do hope that a

 

new medicine for schizophrenia becomes available soon. I do look up to God a lot, and I admire His grace. He has been there for me when I needed Him. I hope that He looks well on me. I hope that I always look well on Him. During these difficult times, I need Him.

The day is really nice out, and the sun is shining a lot. I am still reading the Shakespeare play. I am wearing a T-shirt and a green-collared short-sleeved shirt on. I want to relax today, as my life has been so chaotic since I have been on the Ativan. Now I am just on the Zyprexa. For breakfast today I had Life cereal. I do not know how to relax. Right now I am thinking back on my time at Hamilton College, and how poor I felt there. There were some good points, but two of my roommates were really annoying. I still have the keys to the dorm there on my keychain. If I had different roommates, I might have succeeded there, and I might, therefore, have never gotten ill.

Today really is a beautiful day. I am looking forward to printing out some of my journal next week. I am also looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. I wore Popee’s Alligator jacket today on my walk. I do not know what I am going to do for the rest of the day. I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight. I have got it good because I do not have to go out shopping or to make dinner. My sister is supposed to be home in late May. I wish that I had succeeded at Hamilton College, and now I have to call Trinity College to tell them that I will not be returning in the fall.

I hate to call Trinity College to tell them this. I just recently called to say that I would be returning there. Now I have to go back on my word. I do not know if I will ever get a degree, but ask me if I care that much and I will say that I do not. As long as I am off a lot of psychiatric medicine, I will be happy. I feel better off of this Ativan, which it seems like I have been on for months such has been the fog. I told my mom last night that I did not want to take Ativan anymore, and she did not object to this statement.  I am still reading Love’s Labor’s Lost. I wish that there were some better shows on television though some of the shows are all right. My mom must be glad that it is Friday, for she does not have work tomorrow. My dad must be gearing up for the end of his sabbatical. Now I have to write my conclusion. Well, it is a beautiful day today, and I hope that tomorrow will be as nice. I have got to go now. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, May 4 2002

 

I slept terribly last night. I just could not get to sleep, and my obsessions were raging. I felt that I had to take this thing off of the refrigerator, and the thing was some sort of sticky thing used in medicine to put on the chest. I did not think that it boded well on the side of the refrigerator. I could not get it off though, as it was stuck on so much. So, I did not sleep well at all last night, and I hope that I sleep better tonight. I feel very tired today, and part of the reason that

 

I stayed up last night might have been that I am suffering from withdrawal from being off of the Ativan.

Today I listened to the Second Symphony of Brahms, which was about thirty-nine minutes long. I also rested outside some and got some vitamins from being out in the sun. I was too tired to take a walk, and I still am too tired to do so. My parents went to the mall today, and they are still out. I liked the Brahms symphony. I wish that I slept well last night. I got most of that thing on the refrigerator off today, and I used a knife to do it. Last night, I read Shakespeare for about a half hour.

Yesterday I exercised for a total of about fifty minutes, doing it twice yesterday. I feel tired right now, and I keep obsessing over that thing on the refrigerator. I still want to print out part of my huge journal on Wednesday, but I have to sleep well in the coming days to do that. I guess that I will watch a lot of television today. I hope that I am not suffering from withdrawal of the Ativan. I have thought some today about taking it again, but I know that that would be foolish at this point.

Today is an absolutely beautiful day, and I had a prime opportunity to be outside in the yard. While sitting down, I noticed a couple of ants crawling around. I feel that I have wasted a lot of time while being on the Ativan and making the foolish decision to return to college. Now I have to get better and call Trinity College to let them know that I will not be returning to college. I made such a bad mistake in calling Mary Thomas. Now I will look like an idiot when I call again and say that I will not be returning. I guess that the reader could call me The Idiot after Dostoevsky. I am a total idiot for calling Mary Thomas.

Now I will have to clean up after myself. I had a wonderful time sitting outside for a short time today, and I got enough Vitamin D to last me for the day from the sun. I am not sure exactly when my sister will be home from Spain. As the reader can tell, I did not go to Mamaw and Popee’s today, unfortunately. This is because I slept terribly last night. I did get some sleep early this morning though. I probably am going to watch a lot of television today, for I am tired and there is nothing else to do. I find that I cannot just sit outside in the sun for long, for that gets boring.

I do feel better off of the Ativan, and I feel a lot better for sure. That Ativan is strong medicine, and it ripped my life apart, making me value the superfluous instead of the indispensable. Anyway, I am glad that I am off of the Ativan. I am not going to do much today, and this journal entry is just the minimum, signifying what I am going to do today. I have got to not stress myself out, and I must concentrate on sleeping tonight. I hope that there will be something decent on television today, but there probably is nothing good on. I want to sleep well tonight, for then tomorrow holds more promise than today. I have got to somehow deal with the obsession about the thing on the refrigerator. There is not much of it left on the refrigerator now.

 

I saw a blue jay today on a tree in the yard. My parents are back from the mall now. I see a blue jay right now, as I speak, on the tree. I wonder if that is the same blue jay that I saw earlier, and I saw a beautiful cardinal the other day. Now I have to write my conclusion, as it is that time now. I am going to try to do an absolute minimum of work today to recover from the Ativan, so to speak. So, I likely will have a television marathon coming up. I hope that this entry is all right. I have got to go now. I will see the reader soon, undoubtedly. I hope that the reader is all right. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Monday, May 6 2002

 

I had a good bike ride. I just got back from it, and it was beautiful outside.

I slept well on Saturday night, and I slept just all right last night. The day is really beautiful out. I wore a short-sleeved T-shirt and shorts. I finished Love’s Labor’s Lost today, and it ended well with the princess and the women around her telling the men that they must live without all of the comforts of nobility for a full year. Yesterday Mamaw came over for the afternoon and for dinner. I was really annoyed at this because I did not feel like socializing yesterday, and I just wanted to rest and recover from taking the Ativan. I feel good today without the medicine.

I had a spectacular bike ride, and there were a lot of people at the lunch place Bart’s that I saw on my bike ride. That place is so popular. I passed some people on the River Trail. I saw a young woman who used to be a regular on the trail, and maybe she will be a regular again now that the weather agrees with her. I have to clean up my mess concerning Trinity College. I am such the idiot for calling the school to tell them that I will be returning in the fall. This is a huge mistake, and I must atone for it. I just saw a blue jay. Yesterday I saw part of two movies, which were Ladybugs and Star Wars. I liked both movies, and I had seen Star Wars before. The day has the nicest temperature, which is warm but not too hot. Today while I was reading, the church music went on and lasted for longer than usual, and I was so annoyed by that.  Love’s Labor’s Lost is such a unique book, and I do like the play. I think that I might need to pump up my bike tires. I passed a woman who was wearing very light spring colors. I passed a lot of people on the River Trail.

I feel much better off of the Ativan, and I blame the Ativan for my acting so crazy as to call Trinity College. Now I have to clean up the mess that I made. I woke up today at around five o’ clock and then ate breakfast. Then I immediately went to bed again to get some more sleep. I had a fun bike ride, like I said. I passed an old man near the tobacco fields. I was thinking a lot of Popee, and I miss him a lot. Life just is not the same without him.

I have not played ping-pong in a while. Mamaw came to dinner last night, and the pork that she brought was very good and had some kind of apricot fruit glaze on it. Last night I saw Star Wars from about eight o’ clock till about ten o’

 

clock. I do like the movie, but it is primarily aimed at children. Still, there is stuff for adults to think on too in a way. The recent Star Wars movies do not seem to be as good as the originals though I have not seen the recent movies. I feel much better off of the Ativan, and I wish that I never took it.

I want to print out some of my journal Wednesday. I think that I will watch a lot of television today, for I am running early today. I wonder if there will be any good shows on this afternoon. I really hope that I can stay out of the mental hospital, as that place gives me the creeps. I see a blue jay on the tree outside of my window. I have not been to Loomis lately, and I wonder how the gear- grinders are doing there. I should not be mean to my high school though. I saw two girls walking on the road to Loomis today, and I am guessing that they were students at Loomis. I am curious to know more about that young woman who is a regular on the River Trail. She wore hiking shoes today, and I am surprised that I noticed her shoes. Well, it is a good thing that I am off of the Ativan now.

I wonder when my aunts will be coming back to Hartford to see Mamaw.

Now is the time to end this entry. I did not write yesterday, which was a good break. I have been writing too consistently since the Ativan made me do thus. Now I might not write as much, but the quality of writing will be better. So, after this entry I will probably rest and then watch some television. I really hope that something decent will be on television this afternoon. I am glad that I had a fun bike ride, for fun is all that I am asking for. Now I have got to go. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, May 7 2002

 

The weather is hot, and it is too hot for my taste. I went for a jog and walk today, and I felt kind of uncomfortable. I read the Oresteia trilogy by Aeschylus for about fifty-six minutes today, and I do like the play. There were not many people on the River Trail today probably because they were afraid of the heat. I passed three old people, two women and a man, walking together. The day is so hot out that I am lucky that I did not faint on my walk. It was not that bad, though, and I certainly would not have fainted. The views on the trail were spectacular in places. I liked the view of the river where it overflowed a bit and where there were birds flying near it.

I did not see any life in the marsh near the bridge though. I slept well last night. I had a lot of obsessions last night, but, fortunately, I was able to sleep all right. I still want to print out some of my journal tomorrow, and, if I do, I will likely not write here tomorrow. I need a haircut soon. I did not want to ride my bike today because of the heat, and I did not want to go long distances. I read some Aeschylus last night for about a half hour, and then I watched television for the rest of the night. I do not mind the weather being inside the house, but it is when I go out of the house that it becomes too hot for comfort, so to speak. I cannot believe all of those times while on Ativan that I went on the Internet and

 

that I looked up those private schools. This is a strike against my character. Also, I was desperate enough as to go to McDonald’s and The Beanery for lunch sometimes. That Ativan made me act foolishly. Now I am totally off of the Ativan, and I feel much better now. I do like the Aeschylus trilogy.

I wish that the day was a little cooler, and I kind of wish that there were some lemonade in the house. For lunch today I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which was kind of heavy, as I found out on my exercising. If one looks at the last sentence, I have the word which right after sandwich, and those two words are almost the same without sand and with another letter included or taken away, as the case may be. Shakespeare would like that I noticed that. I just need a break from Shakespeare, and Aeschylus is a good break from it. I will have to do the boring work of printing out my journal tomorrow. This is necessary, though, or else I run the risk of not having it printed out. I just hope that I do not get annoyed while printing it.

I saw a lot of birds today. My favorite bird is the robin, and there are sure enough of them. I do not know why I like robins more than other birds, but maybe it is their name that I like. I hope that the temperature cools off tomorrow, for I want to exercise during the day instead of maybe having to wait until the night to exercise, when it might cool off. I still have very vivid dreams, and I remember them more on just the Zyprexa. This is a luxury that I do not think that I had while on the Ativan that made my memory worse. There is not much to update the reader on with regard to the news. The only news is that there is this person who puts pipe bombs in mailboxes. That is the kind of idiotic thing that is on the news, as there is nothing positive on.

I might watch a lot of television today, for I have finished my athletics and academics in good time. I do not mind watching a lot of television as long as there is something decent on, like a movie. I wonder how Mamaw is doing today, and I think that she is doing fine. I want to go over to Mamaw and Popee’s this Saturday, and I hope that I will be able to do that. I have to write a conclusion now. I am glad that I am off of the Ativan, and I feel much better off of it.

Tomorrow I want to print out the journal. After I write this, I am probably going to rest and then watch some television. I am glad that I like the Aeschylus trilogy. I hope that there is something decent on television this afternoon. I hope that the reader is doing very well and that the reader is in good health. Well, now I am off, but I will probably see the reader again this week. I hope that I will be able to print out some of my journal tomorrow. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, May 9 2002

 

I feel kind of depressed. I might be feeling depressed because of my probably not returning to college, yet I must not feel bad about that. Today is a wonderful, cool day, and this cool weather enabled me to take a bike ride. I rode pretty well. I did not write yesterday because I was printing out my journal. The

 

printing went very well, and I got a lot printed in about an hour. Yesterday I also exercised for about a half hour and read a total of about an hour. For lunch today I had a turkey and cheese sandwich. I have not read today.

I did not see many people on the River Trail, and I did not pass anyone near the tobacco fields. On the River Trail, I passed a short man and who looked to be his short wife. The wife had white hair, but they were not too old. I also passed a recent regular of the trail, whose expression always troubles me. Today I listened to most of (about an hour’s worth) Mahler’s Fifth Symphony. I still have vivid dreams, but ever since I have gotten off of the Ativan, I have had a scary dream or some scary dreams every night. This is not to say that I do not have good dreams too, though, for I do have them. The thing that I will miss most about not going to college is that I cannot make any friends, and I wish that I had some friends.

The day is really beautiful out and was fine weather for a bike ride. My dad got my mom a bike for Mother’s Day, but it was not a very good one really. For Mother’s Day, I probably will go to Mamaw and Popee’s for dinner, and I do look forward to this. I think that Popee would have had his birthday this Monday. Just like Orestes analyzed the dream that Clytemnestra, his evil mother, had, I analyzed a dream that I had last night and I think that I made a good analysis of it. I do not want to write the word Ativan in this journal any longer. I want the medicine out of my life; all that it brings are false hopes. I wonder if it will rain today.

I hope that it does rain, as well as some thunder and lightning. Mamaw is thinking of selling Popee’s coins and stamps, but I would not do this because they hold so much sentimental value. I am looking forward to going to Mother’s Day at Mamaw and Popee’s house, and I do like this weather. I was pleasantly surprised at the weather today, for recently it has been pretty hot. I do not think that anyone can predict this New England weather.

I wonder when my aunt Ann will be coming up to Connecticut. I hope that she gets here soon, and she has recently retired from her job in Florida. I have a psychiatrist appointment scheduled for Monday, but I will likely cancel that. On my bike ride today, I wore my blue Sport Hill pants and my purple Champion sweatshirt. I was somewhat cold at first, but the ride warmed me up enough. I felt kind of tired when I woke up today, and I decided, therefore, to take it easy today. That is why I listened to music and have not read yet. I guess that I like Mahler’s Fifth Symphony. I do want to get out of this town, but with this illness I will have to stay put. The town is not so bad only because of the River Trail, which is the only thing worth much in the town. This town is pretty much dead in the water though some people might like it. I am not bitter or spiteful about being in this town. I am just glad to be alive.

I hope that I will write here tomorrow. I feel much better off of the Ativan. Now that I have tried it for a while, I know what it is like on it. So, I am looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s soon. Now I have got to conclude my

 

journal entry. I slept pretty well last night. My mom got a lot of good stuff at the grocery store last night, and I wonder what kind of fish I am going to have for dinner tonight. After I write today, I will probably watch some television. Last night I watched some of a movie called Other People’s Money. Anyway, I have got to go now, as my time is up. No, I am not dying, but I must stop writing. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Friday, May 10 2002

 

I wish that it was not so hot out. I cannot exercise in this heat, so here I am writing not long after reading some Aeschylus for about fifty-six minutes. The day started off difficult, for early on I was not able to read and considered driving out to lunch. I am glad that I did not go out to lunch today. I was able to pull myself together to read Aeschylus. Last night, my mom and dad brought dinner to Mamaw. Right now my dad is at Mamaw and Popee’s house mowing the lawn. I do like the Aeschylus book, and I wish that it was longer. The book is very short even though it is a trilogy. I really like the Aeschylus play Prometheus Bound, as that has a big influence on me.

I am sure that a lot of other people like the play too. I wonder how that would be if a film were made of it. For lunch today I was thinking of going to The Beanery or to McDonald’s, but instead I had a peanut butter and honey sandwich here. I wish that it was not so hot out. I mean it is too hot to exercise out, but I am hoping that by tonight it will cool down so that I will be able to exercise at that time. Yesterday was cool enough. Suddenly this heat wave comes on. I like the Aeschylus play, as it contains characters like Apollo and Athena.

These characters make the play. There are also the furies in the play, which might also be known, and I am not sure of this, as the Erinyes. Apollo is all for Orestes, who killed his evil mother because she killed in cold blood Agamemnon, who was the father of Orestes.

Clytemnestra killed her husband because earlier he had sacrificed his daughter Iphigenia in order for his men to win the war. So, the play is kind of depressing in the aspect of all of the brutal and uncanny killing that goes on. Yet Aeschylus has a lot of humanity in him, and there is nothing immoral in the telling of the story. I wish that it was not so hot out today. Orestes killed his mother because the oracle said that if he did not do so, disaster would follow. I do like the trilogy by Aeschylus. I hope that it cools off tonight, and I know that I have some obsessions about the weather though I also just want to exercise and get some fresh air. I must say in fairness to the day that it is beautiful out. I just wish that it was not so hot. I had a lot of vivid dreams last night, and I did have a somewhat scary dream too though it was not so bad as the others of late, which really do not scare me though they are just so vivid to me. I am so glad that I have dreams.

 

Without dreams I do not know where I would be. I am looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s for Mother’s Day, and I just hope that I make it there. I do not want to be in a place where I will not go. I wonder if there are many people on the River Trail right now. If I was not on this Zyprexa, then I will bet that I would not be bothered at all by the heat, but I think that I am more sensitive to the heat with this medicine in me. I do wish that sometime I could get rid of this terrible medicine. Maybe soon in the future I will be able to be on a safer medicine. At least now I am off of that Ativan, which caused more ruin than good. I wonder if Ativan helps people. I will bet that it might help some people, but for me it did not help. As it is a Friday, there might be some good movies on tonight, and my mom is probably glad that her work week is over. It is unfortunate that my obsessions are still with me, but they do not kill me. The stuff that kills me is the Zyprexa, which really slows me down physically and mentally. If I was off of this medicine, I could probably do a lot more academics though I am still by no means a fool.

I am able to put together good days of reading and writing. I am very influenced by Montaigne, who had to put up with health problems too, yet he was able to write an incredible selection of essays. I wonder if Shakespeare had any health problems. I wonder if Shakespeare was Shakespeare, or if Homer was Homer. I do not think too highly of the Iliad by Homer though I really like the Odyssey. I do like most of Shakespeare’s plays, and I have not read all of them. I have read the entire Odyssey, and about half of the Iliad. I have translated some of the Iliad, and I liked translating the Iliad from Greek more than reading it.

I hope that it cools down tonight. If the summer is at all like today, then I might not get to exercise much. I might have to wait until the nights to exercise. So, now is the time for my conclusion. I am glad that I wrote today although I might have to exercise later. I might not get to exercise at all if it does not cool down tonight. Yet a tough start to the day turned into a productive reading and writing day, which is nothing to scoff at. Well, I hope that tonight there will be some decent television shows on. I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight. I sure hope that it cools down tonight. Now I have got to go, and I wish the reader well, as I always gladly do. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, May 11 2002

 

I just got home recently from a bike ride, which went pretty well. My main accomplishment today though was finishing the Oresteia trilogy, and the ending was unique with the Furies changing their tone from evil to good. I do like Aeschylus as a writer, and I unfortunately think that he wrote a lot but not much survives. I also think that I have not read all of his works extant. I am now reading The Merchant of Venice by Shakespeare. This book starts off with passages that are very difficult, for me at least, to understand. I am looking forward to going to dinner at Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow, and I wonder what

 

will be for dinner tomorrow night. I was kind of slow on my bike ride today though I do not know why.

It well may be that I exhausted myself mentally (hence physically) by thinking so much about Trinity College. I kept telling myself that I should return, and the rebukes in the negative to that came up just as often. The fact is that this medicine kills my chances of returning by making me so incredibly weak physically though I still have some mental powers. The day is absolutely beautiful out, and I had a great bike ride. My dad was painting outside today though I do not know what he was painting. I passed Ron Marchetti and his wife on the River Trail today, and they said “Hello” to me. The day was nice for a bike ride.

My bike is going well though my tires need pumping up. I am glad that I finished the Aeschylus book, for that gives me confidence, which I needed today actually because I started the day so late from getting out of bed at around eleven-ten. I do not want to get up this late in the future though. I just felt so tired this morning. The sun is out in full force today though it is not too hot.

There is a craft fair going on on the Windsor green today, and I caught a glimpse of the affair on my bike ride. There were a lot of things going on on the green. I wonder how Mamaw is doing today. Unfortunately, I still have my obsessions.

I still have my obsessions, and they still bother me very much. The time when they bother me the most is at night before I go to bed. My room is relatively clean right now though it could use some vacuuming. I went for a bike ride for about twenty-eight minutes today, and I read for about an hour today.

Now I am writing, obviously, and it is one of my normal about half-hour entries. I remember when I used to write here for an hour. I am looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow for dinner, and I wonder what the dinner will have. My obsessions are so annoying, as they made me change the words in the last sentence, which now is a poor specimen. Anyway, the day is really nice

today. The Aeschylus trilogy ends with Athena pleading with the Furies for them not to ruin the Athenians, but to become part of the city and to be worshipped there.

Athena asks them to abate their fury; she asks the Furies to abate their furies. Anyway, although the Furies are furious at first, then they give their consent to Athena, and the play ends happily ever after, so to speak. Orestes is cleared for the death of his mother, and the deciding vote came from Athena, who sided with Orestes, as she said, because she did not have a mother but came fully grown out of the head of Zeus. Athena loves her city of Athens, and she loves her people. I hated Clytemnestra and Aegisthus, the two evil lovers. Also, I admired the bravery of Orestes.

I liked how Apollo and Athena were portrayed. I also liked what the Furies said, and they were the chorus in the third play of the trilogy. I like how Aeschylus says that what a man does always comes back to him, thus if he has hubris and is rich, some downfall will occasion himself and his house.

 

Aeschylus, through his characters, warns his readers to be just and virtuous, for even the evil rich man never escapes punishment, which will come swiftly, unexpectedly, and deadly. I have done a lot of things in my youth that I regret. My obsessions come back to me now, causing internal distress. I believe though that I have dearly paid for some of my youthful transgressions of my hubris.

Even early knowledge and knowledge of what hubris is cannot prevent one from the plague of it.

A person can know much about virtue, but if it is not practiced, then all that knowledge is more of a plague than a plus. Now I have got to end my entry. I wish the reader well, and I hope that I will be able to write consistently here. I might not write tomorrow, and I will probably not write tomorrow if the case is that I go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I plan on going over tomorrow. Now I have got to go, reader, and I wish the reader all the luck that he or she can

handle. I hope that I have some good luck too, and I generally do have good luck. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, May 14 2002

 

I have not been doing too well. I just got home from a walk, though, so I feel somewhat better. It is crazy that I got up at around eleven-thirty today. I just felt so tired in the morning that I could not get up. I could also not exercise until recently, and it is already almost three o’ clock. On Sunday Mamaw came over for Mother’s Day, and yesterday I went to the psychiatrist appointment. So, I have not written here since Saturday. I feel depressed because my day started off so tough. I got so desperate that I went on the Internet and looked up Trinity College, and I looked at some articles from their paper. I did not even have the energy to read today.

The day was wonderful for a walk, and it was nice and cool out. My dad went to some workshop today, and I think that he will be there for about three days. I have not been able to exercise since Saturday though I exercised today. I was not able to exercise Sunday and Monday because it was raining those days. Sunday and Monday I read Shakespeare for about an hour. I wonder if it will rain at all today. I talked to my sister on Sunday, and she asked if I liked the house to myself. Obviously, I think that I said “Yes.” I just do not know how to approach the Trinity College issue. I am now enrolled there, and I would hate to call Mary Thomas to tell her that I cannot go. I just cannot go there, for this Zyprexa weighs me down as lead.

Speaking of lead, in The Merchant of Venice the suitors to the noble Portia have to choose one of three caskets. If the suitor picks the right casket, then he gets to marry Portia. Bassanio picked the right casket, which was of lead and which contained the prize of a picture of Portia. Obviously, it was not a photograph because they did not have cameras then, but it was a painting of her.

 

Portia likes Bassanio, and she had disliked her other suitors. So, the bags of the other suitors are packed, and she will marry Bassanio.

The merchant of Venice is named Antonio, and he has lost some ships and is in bad shape financially. I should finish the play soon. There is a character named Shylock the Jew, and he is portrayed as pretty much a villain in the story. His servant Launcelot ran away from him because he did not like him much.

Launcelot is really funny. His name reminds me of the hero in King Arthur. Shylock’s daughter Jessica runs away with a man whom she loves named Lorenzo. The name Jessica reminds me of my girlfriend in sixth grade named Jessica too. I wonder what Jessica is doing now, and whether she is happy.

Sunday I had dinner over here with Mamaw.

The family had lasagna, which was good. Popee’s birthday was yesterday, and he would have been eighty-six years old. Mamaw told about a house that will go up for sale and that Ann was looking at and took pictures of. Mamaw brought the pictures over to show my parents. Mamaw was thinking about moving into a new house because it is expensive to keep up the house on Tremont Street, as I think that she said. I suggested selling some of Popee’s coins and stamps, and they are very valuable. Mamaw was joking about the place where my dad is going and talking about their chants and their concentration on breathing. The family told what they liked doing the most, and I said that I liked to read, ride, and write. My mom laughed in good humor at this, and when Mamaw then asked whether I liked to be with my family, I said “Yes.” Yesterday I went to the psychiatrist, and I talked about the Aeschylus trilogy and Shakespeare.

I also talked about the Los Angeles Lakers and about how I liked them.

James Bozzuto said that he watched the ending part of the game. I asked him if he did anything for Mother’s Day, and he said that he visited his mother, who lives in Watertown. I want to get a haircut on Thursday of this week, as I really need one. I just wish that today I did not get up so late, and I cannot survive like this. Now I have got to conclude this entry. I hope that the reader is doing all right. I am really glad that I finally got out for a walk today, as the weather was nice for it. I had a really fine walk today, and there were not many people on the River Trail today. I was out for about a half hour. I regret going on the Internet, but I had nothing else to do. So, my heart aches for Trinity College but I have to be realistic and know that I have it good just here at home. Well, I wish the reader good luck, and I hope that the reader is able to like the kind of nice and cool weather that is like now. The weather is good for a walk. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, May 15 2002

 

I just recently got home from a bike ride, which was good. Much of the River Trail is flooded, but there was enough dry to ride through the woods. I

 

finished The Merchant of Venice today, and it was a pleasant surprise that Portia and Nerissa were actually virtuous characters in the play. Usually, Shakespeare portrays villains. The day is cool and beautiful. I read for about fifty-eight minutes, and I rode my bike for about twenty-eight minutes. Now here I am writing in my journal. I want to get a haircut tomorrow, as I need one really badly. On my bike ride it was really windy, and my hair was going every which way. I am reading As You Like It by Shakespeare right now. After this book, I might want to take a break from Shakespeare. The play As You Like It is pretty short and is kind of like The Merchant of Venice. My obsessions are still annoying, and they attacked me just now. I woke up too late today at around 10:52 A.M., and I was swooning much longer than this. This medicine is so annoying.

My dad came home last night from his outing, and my mom said that the people there did not speak English. So, he was disappointed and came home the same day that he left. I guess that the people there were Vietnamese and that they were some kind of monks. I did not see the point in going there in the first place, as the place must be kind of strange maybe. I cannot wait until I get my haircut tomorrow, and I do not know what I would do without it. I hope that the barber shop will be open tomorrow. Last night I had turkey, peas, strawberries, and kiwis for dinner. My dad still had not come home by the time that dinner was ready. I like fruit a lot (more than any other thing to eat). The day is really very beautiful out. The sun is shining fully, and it is nice and cool out. I saw Ron Marchetti today, and he waved to me. I waved back. As You Like It is so far about a bad brother and his nice brother. The bad brother keeps the nice brother in a state of mental and physical poverty, and he does it out of malice. The bad brother’s name is Oliver, while the nice one’s name is Orlando, as in the Virginia Woolf novel Orlando.

I wish that I had a good novel to read, but I do not have one to read though I am glad that I read that Aeschylus trilogy. Off of that Ativan I feel much better and much healthier I hope that there is not that Shad Derby here in Windsor at the end of the week. I do not want anything to interfere with my going to Mamaw and Popee’s house this Saturday. I do fear though that the Shad Derby will be this Saturday. I still have very vivid dreams, and some scary dreams consistently have come into my sleep ever since I have stopped taking the Ativan. I am glad that I stopped taking the Ativan though. In The Merchant of Venice, all ends happily ever after.

Shylock gets his deserts, and his daughter and Lorenzo will live happily together. Also, Gratiano will live happily with Nerissa, and Bassanio will live happily with the rich Portia. Antonio the merchant also will prosper, and his friendship with Bassanio remains strong. I have to write my conclusion now. I wish the reader good luck. I think that everyone needs some good fortune. I hope that the days will be like this as far as the weather and otherwise too.

Maybe I just am not destined to finish up my days at college. Many fine writers did not go to college, and I wonder if Shakespeare went to college. I am now in

 

the mood to read a novel instead of plays though. Well, I have got to go now. Bye bye.

 

Friday, May 17 2002

 

I felt really tired this morning, and so my day started off late. I am almost through with As You Like It, and I am happy about that because I am kind of getting tired of Shakespeare now. I hope that the Shad Derby does not interfere with me going to Mamaw and Popee’s house tomorrow. I read today for about an hour, and I rode my bike for about twenty-eight minutes. I did not write yesterday, and my excuse is that I got a haircut yesterday. At least my hair is cut now. I have no idea what I am going to read next though I know that I do not want to read more Shakespeare. The language that the barber and his friend used yesterday was annoying because they kept swearing.

I hope that I make it to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. The day is beautiful out, and it was not too hot for a bike ride. I am glad that I got my haircut over with. I owe God a lot for getting me through the days, and His grace always astounds me. He is kind to me. Even when things are tough, He helps me out. Without Him I do not know where I would be, and He keeps me grounded.

I hope that He stays there for me. There is nothing much on the news these days. I am glad that the day is so nice. I have having big trouble typing accurately today, and I have no clue as to why. My fingers are anything but nimble today, and maybe they are rusty from taking the day off yesterday though this is annoying though.

I was slow in some parts on my run today. I felt ashamed when I passed a woman walking her dog because I was going so slowly. I wonder if people wonder if I am on medicine when I pedal by so slowly. Sometimes I am painfully slow, yet when there is a hill going down even slightly, I keep up a decent pace.

Windsor is full of inclines and declines, and I bet that before towns were built here, it was a rolling hill country.

Tomorrow is the Shad Derby here in Windsor, and it is Windsor’s biggest day of the year. The people come out in big numbers to see the Shad Derby. On my bike ride I saw all of the no-parking signs on the side of the road, and these signs are probably the work of the police. Last night I had a good dinner, which consisted of pork ribs and corn. The ribs and corn on the cob were really good. Today is the end of the work week for my mom. Like I said, although this morning I did not feel like doing much of anything, then I got up the courage to read, and the rest is history, so to speak.

I am looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s house tomorrow. I fear that the Shad Derby might get in the way of that, though, and that is a big fear. I wonder what will be for dinner tonight. I am glad that I am almost through with As You Like It, much of which takes place in the woods. When reading it today, I did not understand some of it. It is annoying that I just could

 

not get what Shakespeare was saying. I think that I am just ready to move on to another author, and hopefully I will be able to read something without having to often check on the bottom of the page to check out what a word or a phrase means. I have to do that all the time with Shakespeare. I am not leaving Shakespeare bitterly, though, for I have enjoyed reading his plays of late.

I am just ready now to move on to a different format of book. I wonder what will be on television tonight. I saw a lot of birds today, and I do like the chirping of birds. The day is so beautiful out, and I only wish that I could enjoy the day without the tiredness from this medicine. This medicine in a sense robs me of my freedom to do what I want. Yet at the same time, in some irony that Shakespeare might have his clown use, I would probably be in the mental hospital without it. I must make an extra effort to get to Mamaw and Popee’s house tomorrow. Now I have got to end this entry. If things go well, then I will likely have gone to Mamaw and Popee’s house tomorrow and will not have to write tomorrow here in my journal. If things go poorly, then I might write here even though I might feel unhappy at not seeing Mamaw. I wonder what will be for dinner tonight. I hope that the reader is doing all right and that the reader thinks well of me. I think well of the reader for reading my journal. Well, now is the time to end this entry. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Monday, May 20 2002

 

Things have not been easy lately. I was not able to write yesterday because Mamaw came over and then stayed for dinner. Things have been very tough.

Yesterday was very tough. I was only able to exercise yesterday, for Mamaw was over. I went to Mamaw and Popee’s on Saturday and had fun there, but the Sunday visit was painful and too much for me. So, I have not written here since Friday. The day today started off tough, as I was swooning in bed till about lunch. So, things have not been easy by any means. The only thing that I did Saturday was exercise. Today I felt tired, but I was able to read for about fifty- five minutes. Today I finished As You Like It, which was not one of Shakespeare’s strongest books.

I am now finished with all but one book that I got at the bookstore the last time that I went. I hate swooning in bed, as this makes the day tougher. I do not feel like exercising right now, but maybe I will feel like it later. Last night I cracked and told my mom that I wanted to go to Trinity College to audit a class this summer. Then later I told her that I might not want to. Then later I told her that I might do it though I hate to put her through that. Well, I am glad to be writing here where I have a voice. I am glad that I am through with Shakespeare now though I do like Shakespeare. He has such a long last name.

My family went to look at some houses yesterday, and Mamaw is looking for a house in West Hartford. The play ended with a lot of marriages. Oliver got married to Celia. Orlando got married to Rosalind. Also, Touchstone got

 

married to Audrey. The day is cool out. I talked to my mom last night about returning to college, and I might have got her hopes up. I played two games of Scrabble with Mamaw on Saturday, and, luckily, I won both games.

The day on Saturday was a lot of fun, but then Sunday was painful. I cannot visit with people too much, as I get stressed out. It is strange that such a fun day as Saturday turned into such a tough day on Sunday. I will have to get used to tough days soon. I liked the character of Orlando in As You Like It. He was such a nice character though he is lovesick. The sun has suddenly come out as I have been writing this, and I wonder if eventually I will go out to exercise.

Virginia Woolf wrote a novel called Orlando, and Orlando is a place in Florida.

I kind of would like to go outside now that the sun is out. I played Scrabble well on Saturday, and Mamaw did not seem to get many good letters. I told Mamaw that I missed playing ping-pong; she had suggested playing with my dad. Make no mistake about it, on Saturday I went over to Mamaw and Popee’s house.

Yesterday I watched a lot of television. I could not do any academics because of the company. For dinner there was chicken, rice, and broccoli.

As a gift for working so many years, my mom got a coffee maker. The thing is quite big. I still have very vivid dreams, which I read into a lot and try to interpret. I wonder if it is cool out now. I am wearing shorts and a long-sleeved button-down. I feel so relieved to be writing here today, and without writing here I do not know where I would be. I am glad to be finished with As You Like It. I wonder if it will rain today, as it looks like it is about to. As You Like It had one hundred and four pages, which is not much though it seems like it has taken a while for me to finish it. I liked The Merchant of Venice better though. Yesterday I got through the entire day without reading, except briefly looking through a real- estate guide that Mamaw wanted me to look at to see if I could find her a house.

Now I have got to write my conclusion. Writing today has been a catharsis, where I can let out all of my emotions on the page, so to speak. I do not know where I would be without this journal, which helps to give me strength. I wonder what will be for dinner tonight, and I am in the mood for ham. I am glad that I wrote here today, and I hope that I will write here tomorrow. I wish the reader well. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, May 21 2002

 

Things have not been easy. I went for a walk today for about a half hour. I really want to return to college, but I do not know if I can. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow, and I think that that is bothering me subconsciously. I am a nervous wreck over college. I really want to go, but I doubt if I will now.

Maybe I am incorrigible. I miss Trinity College, but I am not ready to return. I read some grammar of German today for about an hour. I do not have a book to read. I passed a woman on the River Trail today, and she was walking her white dog. She said “Hello” to me, and I said “Hello” to her. I wonder if Mamaw is

 

having any luck with finding houses in West Hartford. I had a good walk today. The day is beautiful today. I wore shorts on my walk though it is by no means hot out.

I had some good dreams last night. I hope that these scientists come up with a cure for schizophrenia before Trinity College starts in the fall so that I can take the cure and go to college. I want a cure. I do not want to feel tired all the time on Zyprexa, and I want a cure. I want a pill to take every day without slowing me down momentously, and there has to be someone out there who can find a cure for schizophrenia. I have to be glad that I do not have cancer or worse. I could have a bad disease, but instead I have this one though it is pretty bad I have to say.

Schizophrenia is a pretty bad illness. No matter how much I try, I cannot go to college with the medicine that I am on. I just want a cure. I wish that there was a pill that I could take once and that would cure schizophrenia for good. I wish that there was such a pill, yet there is not such a pill. There is nothing even close to this. Instead there is Zyprexa, which slows me down to a crawl.

Everything I do is hindered, and I cannot do much at all on the medicine. The thing that I can probably do better than anything is watch television. I watch enough of it too. I watch it for the entire evening. Yet there is no cure for schizophrenia, but if I had some other type of illness, like an ear infection, there would be a cure for that. At least I do not have cancer. Well, I might as well not be spiteful.

I have a nice family and food to eat. I have a nice computer and a nice room. I have good things. I should not be greedy, and I should not want too much. I must be thankful of what I do have, which is a lot. I do not need college for my life though I want it very much. I read about German grammar for about an hour today, and German seems to be just a satisfactory language with not much beauty to it.

I like Greek and Latin as languages better than the modern languages. For today I guess that I will just watch some television. I slept pretty well last night. I need new T-shirts and shoes soon. Now I have got to conclude this entry. I am glad that I wrote today. I might not write tomorrow, for if I go to the appointment, then I will probably not write tomorrow. I want to keep writing in my journal though because I think that writing here really helps me. I am off now, and I wish the reader good tidings as always. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, May 23 2002

 

I just recently was reading German grammar, but I do not like German as much as Italian or some other languages so far. Still, that is only my opinion. My morning today was awful, and I think that I got up finally at around eleven-thirty. While Mamaw’s car was here, I was not able to do any academics, and I was waiting for Mamaw to visit. I just have a hard time doing stuff when Mamaw

 

might visit, and this is nothing against Mamaw, of course. I did manage to go out for a walk, and when I came home, Mamaw’s car was gone.

Then I read German for about an hour. My sister will be home soon. I went to my psychiatrist appointment yesterday and talked to James Bozzuto about a lot of things in my life. I wish that I did not have to divulge so much to a person who is not a family member, as membership in my family is good.

Anyway, today is a beautiful day. I had a good walk even though it was kind of hot out. I walked by Dan Marchetti, who I guess is working with the grounds crew at Loomis. He was shoveling some dirt maybe to help some flowers grow, but I am not sure.

On my walk today, a man passed me on a bike, and he rang the bell on his bike to show that he was passing. I passed a woman with her small dog. Well, it is pretty much now too late to go to summer school. So, I will have to survive here at home this summer. I do not know how I will do that. I woke up so terribly late today, and I wish that I did not get up so late. I did not know what to do earlier today because Mamaw’s car was here. The day is really beautiful, and I had a good walk for about a half hour. My obsessions today are worse than usual though I have no good explanation for it. So, I guess that Dan Marchetti is back from college now.

I wonder if he likes college. I kind of wish that I was reading a novel, for doing a language can be boring. I wonder when German was first spoken.

Yesterday I talked to James Bozzuto about sports, my sister, and what I have been reading. He asked me a lot of questions. He likes Shaquille O’ Neal as a basketball player. He asked me about tennis, and he said that he heard on a radio show that men’s tennis was not exciting and that he agreed with this. Well, I of course disagree with this because there really are some good players on the men’s side, like Safin, Agassi, Federer, Hewitt, and Haas.

I really like the day today, as it is warm and as the sun is out in full force. There has not been much on television lately though last night I did watch two periods of ice hockey between the Colorado Avalanche and the Detroit Red Wings. I wonder what nationality the composer Berlioz was, and there is an opera by him at the Windsor Library. He might be French. I do not have a French dictionary, so as yet I cannot learn the language. I wonder what Dan majors in at college, and I heard that he learned Swahili. He must be pretty smart. I had a late start to the day today, as I got up so late. I feel terrified truly that I miss my entire morning, as Mamaw says, by getting up so late.

Yet I cannot help getting up so late some times, for I just am like a log when the morning comes. Mamaw is looking for a house, and I wonder if she will find one. I hope that she finds a nice house. I really hope though that she stays right where she is in Hartford, for she has such a nice house as it is. I admire her ability to live such a full life. She reads a lot now, and I wonder what new books she got lately. Yesterday in the car my dad said that he thought that

 

Mamaw was lonely. While I was at my psychiatrist appointment, my dad went to Mamaw and Popee’s house to give her some chicken for dinner.

Last night for dinner over here I had corn, baked beans, and a hot dog.

The dinner was good last night. I feel lucky for writing here, and I must realize how lucky I am to have the time to write in this journal. I do like learning new languages even if I am a total novice at them. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I hope that the reader is still with me even though I have gotten up so late lately from swooning in bed. No matter how hard I try, I am literally continually swooning in bed in the late morning hours sometimes. I hope that the reader bears with me. I hope that things do get better for me in the swooning category. There is bad news all over the globe, and terrorism alerts have been on the news lately. Well, I have got to go now. The reader is in my heart, and I hope that I will be able to write here tomorrow. The week has gone by fast, and tomorrow will be the end of the week. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Friday, May 24 2002

 

I just recently got home from exercising. The weather is hot out. I feel kind of drained from my running and walking. I was out exercising for about twenty-seven minutes. I did German today for about an hour. I think about Trinity College a lot, for I really want to return there. German is a difficult language for me to learn. I find it quite difficult. I am on the verbs now, and the verbs are so complex. Yet I cannot expect to learn German too quickly. I feel depressed right now. I do not know what to do this summer though I guess that I could listen to some Wagner operas.

I just do not know what to do. Last night I thought a lot about it, and I thought that maybe I could read in the basement though it is so messy down there. Also, I probably could hear the loud television from the basement, and I do not think that earplugs will work. I think that it is going to be a long and arduous summer. I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. Of course, I miss Popee very much. I wonder what will be on for television movies tonight. I

wonder if this journal will ever be published. I feel tired right now. My obsessions are still really annoying. The sun is out in full force today, and I feel hot even here in my room. I really hope that my sister gets a job.

Yesterday I watched some softball. There was nothing else on in the afternoon. I feel tired right now. I feel depressed that I am learning German instead of reading Hegel. I want to read Hegel, as I really liked The Philosophy of History by the same author. I wonder what Mamaw is doing right now. I really want to return to college. Who knows if I will, but I must do what is right for me. My mom had the day off today, and my parents have been out for the day. I wonder where they went today. I wish that the German verbs were not so complicated. They really are complicated.

 

I am wearing shorts and an Umbro T-shirt. I have been wondering what it would be like to go to Loomis to the library in the summer. I might see some people whom I know there, and I might be able to get some studying done too. I am interested in reading Hegel’s metaphysics. At least I think that he wrote a book on metaphysics. Well, I am glad that I wrote here today even if I am somewhat depressed. I wonder what will be for dinner tonight. Last night I had a really good dinner of corn and ham. I like ham. I have got to write my conclusion now. I hope that I eventually have some friends. I would like to have some friends to help me through my tough times. I wonder if it will cool down a lot tonight. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, May 26 2002

 

I was just out for a walk. I have been thinking a lot recently about returning to college, and I might really try to make it to college this time. I am just afraid that my psychotic thoughts will get in the way and make things hard. Obviously, I have the thoughts. I cannot seem to do much with them in full force as they are. Today I could not read Chaucer for some reason. Yesterday I went to the bookstore, and I bought some fine books. I really want to go to college. I got up today at around eleven-thirty. I went to Mamaw and Popee’s yesterday. I want to graduate from Trinity College for Popee. The people at Trinity College have already had commencement this month. I really want to return to college, but it seems like that might be impossible. My psychotic thoughts get in the way, but if I did not have them, I could probably go. I went for a walk for about a half hour today, and the day is really nice out. I only walked today, for I did not have the energy to jog or just did not feel like jogging. I felt kind of tired today, and getting up so late was a travesty.

I looked through the Trinity College course catalog some, and I feel kind of sick from thinking about college so much. My parents went somewhere this afternoon. I did not like how it said on the Chaucer book that it was “selected and edited,” which probably meant that I would not read the original Chaucer.

This is disturbing. I was thinking today about calling Anthony Macro about what I should do this summer to prepare for college. I want to take Latin and Greek this fall, but I will have to do a lot of studying for them this summer. I have to get rid of my obsessions too.

Yesterday I saw a lot of roses at Mamaw and Popee’s house. I helped Mamaw put up a new shower curtain though my arms were screaming soon after I started, as my arms are weak. Mamaw did not mention Trinity College yesterday. My sister will be home this Thursday. I really want to return to college, and this will might prevail. I just find it so hard to drive over to college. I would like to go to a day-treatment program to help me with my psychotic thoughts. Yet in a way I am afraid of those places too. I want to be in society now, and that is probably the place to start. Maybe I will be able to go to the mall or to

 

the movies this summer to practice getting out some. I just wish that I could be healthy and could go to college.

I just really want to go to Trinity College this fall, and I missed a golden opportunity of going this summer. I hope that my sister does not bother me too much this summer. I wonder if eventually this fall I will get to Trinity College. I really want to go, but who knows what will happen. I wonder what will be for dinner tonight. Now I have got to conclude this entry. I wish the reader well. I wish that there was a pill better than Zyprexa. Tomorrow I have got to get up earlier, or I will be asleep way too long. I do not know what I will do for the rest of the day. I would like to get my journal published, that is for sure, though I would have to edit my earlier stuff. Anyway, I am off now. I am glad that I wrote here. I am surprised that Mamaw did not come over today to look at a house with my parents. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Monday, May 27 2002

 

I just recently got home from a bike ride. My life has been chaotic of late. I have set my mind on going to college, and what is in my way are my psychotic thoughts. Without them I might be able to return to college. My day was really chaotic. I listened to most of Mahler’s Fifth Symphony, and I also was on the Internet for about an hour. The first half of the Fifth Symphony was good, but the second half was poor. There were some good websites on Trinity College and on some private schools, but at the games websites I could not download anything. I am hindered by psychotic thoughts, which weigh me down and make my life sluggish.

I have been reading into my dreams far too much too. I feel like an idiot sometimes. I was thinking of calling Anthony Macro tomorrow to see what he can give me for some summer work in Latin and Greek. My psychotic thoughts are constantly with me, and I cannot differentiate them from normal thoughts, which upon reflection- as I reflect here in my journal- is scary. My sister will be here on Thursday. Right now it is around eight o’ clock at night. I did not read Chaucer, Hegel, or German today. I do not know why I want to go to Trinity College so bad, but I just do. I cannot explain it other than that it is a push for equality and truth. I had a good bike ride tonight.

I have not watched a lot of television today. I talked with my mom some today, and she along with my dad gives me support. I feel really tired emotionally right now, as I am tormented by thoughts that say on the one hand that I should stay home from college and that on the other hand say that I should go. I make up my mind one way, and then make it up a different way. I thought of showing a small part of my journal to my parents today, but I have yet to do so because I am shy about it. It is a relief to me that here are roses in Mamaw’s garden, and I think that those roses make Mamaw happy. My mom asked me if I

 

wanted to see the Star Wars movie in Bloomfield, and she ordered m the newest Ace of Base CD called Cruel Summer.

Yesterday’s entry was a travesty, for I was all riled up. I was in one of those schizophrenic moods in which my mind is paralyzed. I passed some people on the River Trail today, and a tall and obese man said “Hello” to me. I said “Hello” to him. I also passed a motley-looking couple. As of now, I have made up my mind to return to Trinity College in the fall, and I have decided to call Anthony Macro tomorrow. Of course, I can always change my mind on both fronts.

Mahler’s Fifth Symphony starts out really well, but then it dies down into a terrible slow movement and then a rondo, which is so out of place for a dignified symphony. All symphonies should be dignified. The final movement sounded more like a polka than a final movement. Like I said, it starts out good, but then dies out. So, I am not thrilled about Mahler. I saw Dan Marchetti from a distance today. I wonder if he has finished college yet. I think that my thighs have gotten bigger with fat, and I am conscious of this, when I go out to jog or when I go out on a bike ride.

I hope that I will be able to sleep all right tonight. My schedule will likely not be followed tonight because of my day. Right now it is dark out but not yet black out. It is good that I woke up at a decent time today at around ten-thirty. I wonder what will be on television tonight. There is nothing much going on now in the news. I wonder if I really will go to Trinity College this fall though I did not go this summer. Who knows if I will go this fall. I do not know if I can handle college, I just do not know if I can handle it. I am glad that I wrote here, but I am depressed about college. I can be so vain sometimes. I wonder how things will turn out for me. If I keep thinking about college, the place that I might end up might be the mental hospital. I have Popee in my thoughts always. I miss him, and playing ping-pong with him.

Now I have got to write my conclusion. My obsessions are still with me and are very annoying, and I do not want my life to disappear as I know it. I want to continue living a high-quality life, and I must not let anything get in the way of that. I do not know what I will do for the rest of the night. I am looking forward to school in the fall, and I hope that I make it there. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, May 28 2002

 

I just recently got home from exercising, and the jogging part was challenging. The day has been much better than yesterday. I was able to study German for about an hour and go out for exercising for about a half hour, and I am beginning to like German more now. I have given up hope of returning to school, and some structure has come into my life today as a result. I am not constantly thinking of college today, like I did yesterday and the day before yesterday. The day is humid though nice. It stinks that I woke up late today at

 

around eleven-thirty. I do not know why I have been getting up so late lately. So, today was better than yesterday. I was able to have some structure to the day.

My sister is coming home on Thursday, so I have to cancel my psychiatrist appointment. It is good that the River Trail is no longer flooded. I passed some regulars, who seemed to be a man and his old mother. Then I passed an old woman who was wearing spring colors, and I could swear that I saw her before. I did not see any dog in the dog pound today. It is a big change that I saw some basketball yesterday. The Boston Celtics are actually in the playoffs this year.

Last night for dinner I had some barbecue chicken, green beans, and corn. Memorial Day was yesterday, and my mom and dad went with Mamaw to the service, where Popee’s name was mentioned among the recently departed. There were a lot of Italian names mentioned in the pamphlet. I am glad that Popee was honored, for any time to honor Popee is welcome in my mind. I feel tired from my jog.

The trail was beautiful as always though the day is kind of humid. I hope that it rains today. My obsessions today are so annoying. German went well today, and I am on the part where it discusses infinitives. I read about the word zu that is sometimes used with the infinitive. The part on subjunctives was difficult, and it seems that the grammar part of the dictionary is faulty in that the author puts things down in the German that have not been learned yet. Still, if one has a good eye, one can figure things out.

I had a lot of dreams last night. I have a lot of dreams about the last day of the world in Christianity, which in the dream is called Judgment Day. I am glad to write here though my obsessions today seem to detract from the quality of what I have been writing. I think that the German book might have been better if the author had begun the book with nouns and definite articles. Instead, the author started with verbs. I am tired emotionally from the past two days, so I hope that the reader realizes that this entry might not be up to par in its latter half. I wonder what will be for dinner tonight.

Like I mentioned before, I might be beginning to like German more now.

The only thing that I still do not like is the harsh sound of the language. I do like how the past participles are found, and these parts of speech are not as harsh because there is a ge in front of the verb. I might not know what I am talking about, though, as pertaining to whether the addition of ge to the verb makes it less harsh. Like I mentioned before, also, I have given up on Trinity College, and thinking about college constantly breaks down my mind. I cannot live in constant tension, and I need some placidity in my life.

Well, I got my books on Saturday, and there is a good selection there. Well, now I must finish this entry. I am glad that I wrote today, and I guess that this entry did not turn out too bad after all. Anyway, for the rest of the day I am probably going to relax. Since I got up so late, the day is waning though it is before dinner. I am glad that my mind is placid and healthy today and that I

 

figured out that the right thing for me is to stay here at home. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, May 29 2002

 

I just recently got home from a fun bike ride. I had more energy than usual on this bike ride for some reason, and this made it more fun. Today I read German for about an hour, and that went pretty well actually and shed some light on English grammar for me. The day is really beautiful out. I got up at around ten-thirty, but then I was swooning for a bit less than an hour after that in which my thoughts were not strong. I do like the German language, and I can see a beauty in all language really. Today I did the verbs which meant can and may and some other verbs too. Going over these verbs was fun, and these types of verbs have a dependent infinitive with them.

My mom went to the mall last night. I wonder how much my parents are looking forward to seeing my sister tomorrow, and they are probably very much looking forward to seeing her. I wonder which airport she will arrive at. I saw a lot of birds on my bike ride today. The other day I saw a wonderful yellow bird, which I am guessing was a goldfinch. Those are rare to see in these areas. I passed an older woman on my ride, and I passed what looked to be a father and his daughter jogging. They were going slowly, like the way that I jog. I saw a lot of small American flags on some graves in the cemetery on Palisado. I wondered if these flags signified that the people buried were veterans, but I now will bet that they just show a sign of patriotism. Some might be patriotic after the terror attacks on September 11.

I felt really good on my bike ride today. I wore a short-sleeved shirt and shorts, and my arms felt good in the wind. I did not see any kids at the day care center. I usually do not see any fancy cars on my bike ride, as Windsor is not really a rich town. Sometimes I see some pretty nice cars though. My mom recently cleaned up her room, and now it looks pretty nice.

The day is absolutely beautiful out, and it is not too humid. The air is nice, and the sun is out. I wonder what will be on television this afternoon. Yesterday there was nothing good on television in the afternoon. I wonder what my sister’s plans are for the summer. This is going to be a long summer. I hope that I can stay sane during the summer. My bike tires are inflated, so the bike is better to ride than before. I do not have to worry as much about my rims getting bent out of shape though I probably should get a new bike. This Giant is doing really well, and I hope that it lasts me for more years too. I kind of miss playing video games on the Nintendo, Sega Genesis, IBM, and Macintosh. I had some fun times playing video games, especially Space Harrier II for the Genesis. I remember playing that game at Adam Burns’ house and his father taking a picture of my score, which I claimed -and perhaps rightly- was a higher score than a published score.

 

Wherever I went in my youth, there was a video game system around to play with. I was really good at the games though I guess that I could have spent my youth with more productive things, like books and practicing my trumpet. If I had practiced my trumpet much in my childhood, I could have been a star player, who was better even than I was, and I was always the top trumpet player in school. Anyway, I miss the bands that I played in at school. I miss that music, which has been ripped away from me by the Zyprexa. Now all I have left is my mind. I can at least remember these things. I wonder what will be for dinner tonight. Last night dinner was just fair, but would have been good if my dad had had hamburger buns for my hamburger. Instead were two pieces of bread, which was slightly annoying, and they did not taste as well.

Now I have got to end my journal entry. I am glad that I wrote today, and I

have a good feeling about this entry. I went into the spellcheck on my computer, and then some strange arrow came up; so, I am concerned that I might have lost some data though I doubt it. Anyway, I wish the reader good tidings and a healthy lifestyle. I urge the reader to lead a healthy lifestyle without which life is not worth living. This is kind of ironic since I take this Zyprexa, but I try to keep as healthy a lifestyle as I can while on this medicine. Now I am off, and I hope that the reader is all right. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, May 30 2002

 

Right now the sun is shining brightly. I have not been able to do much today probably because I got up at around eleven-thirty. My sister is coming home today at around eight o’ clock. I cannot believe that I got up so late today, and it is a travesty. So, I am getting a very late start on my day, and I could not do much earlier because I just felt so bad after getting up late. Although I wanted to read earlier, I could not because I got up so late, which made me unwilling to read.

I wanted to do some German. Now I feel better, but I hate getting up so late. I do want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s this Saturday. The day is pretty hot out. I feel pretty bad, actually. I cannot believe that I got up so late today, and it is terrible that I did so. I do not know how I will feel for the rest of the day from getting up so late. I feel awful right now, and I have some angst about getting up so late. My sister is coming home today from Spain. I hope that she is polite and that Spain has not caused her to be too loud or something. I am just thinking that being away from home in a foreign country can make one rambunctious. I feel awful right now like I could just die. I wish that I did not have to take that stupid medicine, which really hurts me. I cannot stand getting up so late. Not much is on the news these days. I still watch television a lot. My dad cancelled my psychiatrist appointment yesterday.

He has to go pick up Elizabeth at the airport. I have a hard time staying optimistic when I get up so late. I just have a hard time staying optimistic. I just

 

could not read German earlier. I need new running shoes, and I want to get new Nike Air Maxes, which are pretty expensive.

I want to go for a jog today, and I hope that I will be able to. I hope also that it is not too hot out. The psychiatrist has not called back yet, and I hope that he does not call me while I am writing here. My dad is home right now. I have had some obsessions about what shirts to wear, not wanting to wear the same brand name for two days in a row or on the first and third days in a row.

Therefore, these obsessions severely limit what I can wear. I want to see a goldfinch today though I probably will not see one. My mom ordered me an Ace of Base CD called Cruel Summer the other day, when I was debating between going to college and not going.

I saw this CD on the Internet. Ace of Base is my favorite singing group. It is annoying that the peanut butter in our home has dried up, but I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich today. I got such an incredibly late start today. I have to somehow deal with my getting up late, and it is as if I have a bad illness every day. I have to get over it somehow. I hope that I will be able to jog all right today, and it is a beautiful day out now though I kind of would like some rain soon.

Rain is always nice on hot days.

I am glad that I wrote here today. I wonder when my aunt Ann is coming up to visit, and I hope that she comes up soon. I miss her, and I especially miss Popee. Of course, I miss Popee, and I can honor his memory by putting him in my journal even if I do not see him or get to play ping-pong with him. There are some red and yellow roses coming out in my small garden. Now I have got to finish this entry. Writing today made me feel better though I still have some angst about getting up so late, but I just could not seem to get up in bed any earlier and just was glued to that bed. I wanted to get up, but I just could not get up any earlier. I hope that I do all right on my jog and walk today. Well, today my sister comes home. I just hope that she does not annoy me too much. I am glad that I wrote here today, and, of course, I wish the reader good tidings. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, June 11 2002

 

I have not written for a while. Over the break, I have been translating Verdi’s Falstaff, but recently I got a stomach bug. Today I read for about forty- eight minutes from Schopenhauer’s The World As Will and Representation, which I like. Yesterday I went to the psychiatrist, and then at night I went to see Mamaw. Yesterday I opened up to the psychiatrist and told him of the psychotic thoughts that I was having. I am trying, with all of my might, to return to Trinity College. I told the psychiatrist the thoughts that I had, and I am trying to do anything possible to return to college. I went for a walk around Loomis Chaffee today, and the campus seemed empty except for some people working on something, like maybe a reunion tent.

 

The day is sunny and nice. I still have time to return to college though I have to get to work on my Latin and Greek. My sister is home, and she has been talking on the phone and seeing her friends. I had been working on Verdi’s Falstaff some, and the entire opera is on two CDs and is about two hours long. I told the psychiatrist nearly all of my psychotic thoughts, which is the first time that I did this. Mamaw went to dinner with her neighbor Barbara yesterday night, and I saw her after she returned home. I was waiting on the porch with my mom, and I was there only about five minutes before Mamaw and Barbara got home.

My walk to Loomis went all right, but it was a surprise that I was not too impressed by Loomis. I mean that I thought that I would change when I went there due to the beauty of Loomis, but it surprisingly did not change me, and I was left the same, I guess, as when I started to walk. There were a lot of cars that I saw, but maybe this was because one of the roads was blocked as the signs that I saw indicated. I felt kind of tired today from the medicine probably though the day is really nice though. Yet it is quite hot, and maybe it is too hot for comfort.

So far the reading has been successful, and I guess that Schopenhauer is difficult in some sections. I have been thinking about going to the University of Hartford summer school, which starts in about a month, ever since I saw the banner up last night. I have not given it too much thought though really.

I am trying to get over my psychotic thoughts of good and evil, and I have tried to get rid of them very recently. The thoughts that I have been trying to get rid of include thinking that my parents were evil, that Popee was neutral good, that Mamaw was neutral, that it would make me neutral good if I went to college, and that I am good now. These thoughts make me anxious and are annoying and paranoid, and I told most of these thoughts to the psychiatrist yesterday.

Schopenhauer is really smart, and I really do like his work. The book is huge.

Schopenhauer should get more credit than he does. He really writes clearly even if he does have somewhat of a big ego. The psychiatrist was not mean to me yesterday, and he did not prescribe more medicine. I mentioned to him that I talked to my mom about the thoughts the night before. My mom thought that if I went out more that might help. I mentioned to the psychiatrist about how I did not have a problem with the thoughts when I was at college. I saw a really attractive young woman coming out of the building, and I almost bumped into her because she and I opened the door at exactly the same time and did not see each other coming. Anyway, my sister has been home lately, and I have not gotten into any fights with her really.

The day is really nice. I am glad that I got to go for a walk today. Loomis was pretty nice there, and I walked through the campus. I was out for about a half hour, so I got to see most of the campus. I have been thinking a lot about going to the Westfarms Mall, as that would be fun. I still have a fear of going out much, though, which I will have to get over if I want to return to Trinity College.

 

I miss the college a lot. I really want to graduate there, as I like the college. I miss Popee a lot. Now I have got to go. I wish the reader well. Bye bye.

I am writing this at a later time, after having already written for about thirty-two minutes earlier on in the day. I have read for about an hour and a half. I really like the Schopenhauer book. I do not know if my sister will get a job or not, but I hope that she does get one. After dinner, I went to get an ice cream flurry in Windsor Locks. My mom drove. Loomis was all right today. I wonder how much fat that flurry had, and it probably had a lot in it. I wonder how Mamaw is doing tonight, whether she is reading or not. She got some new books recently from the bookmobile that comes around from the library. She is an avid reader. I have not played ping-pong in a while. I find the absence of Popee unsettling. I wish that he were here, but I want to graduate from Trinity College for him. Right now it is hot in my room. My mom was quiet in the car today, and maybe she did not want to go. My room is pretty clean though it needs a vacuum. I do not mean that I should put a vacuum cleaner in my room for show, but that it needs to be vacuumed.

Although I watched part of the movie Mystic Pizza tonight, I wanted to write instead, so here I am. My obsessions still annoy me very much.

Schopenhauer’s book comes in two volumes, so he has written a lot. He talks about how the world is full of representations. He thinks that without the subjective personality the world will not exist. Therefore, his conclusion is that the world existed when animals were first able to perceive the world, or that is my conclusion. So, when the first ant opened his eyes upon the world, then space, time, and matter began to exist though Schopenhauer said that there was no beginning really. When I went to Loomis today, I walked on the quadrangle, and there were a bunch of young men doing various jobs in the green, apparently getting ready for some reunions.

I even walked through Founders Hall. I walked past the SNUG, science center, and dorms. I did a loop around the science center, and then walked past the quadrangle again, where all those kids seemed acting oblivious to me. I have not written here since May 30, and a lot has gone on since then. I have gone through the opera Falstaff by Verdi, and the highlight was that I translated the entire first CD, which covers about fifty-six minutes of music. I also listened to the second CD sometimes and followed along with the English in the libretto.

Recently, I got a stomach bug, which lasted for a few days. I have seen Mamaw as she came over on Saturday, and yesterday I went over there. Last Wednesday I went over there after dinner with my mom. Right now it is around nine-thirty at night. I am sure that it is not the morning, as the reader knows that I do not get up that early. I wish that I lived in a bigger house, for this house is tiny. If I had to pick a house that I wanted to own, I would like a nice big one in West Hartford. This house is just too small for the faint of heart as I am. There is too much commotion all the time here, and no time for anything. Yet I should not complain, for I have food and water. The other night I had a terrible case of

 

the hiccups, which lasted for about a half an hour. The neighborhood around Windsor Locks is nothing special. There was this tough-looking gangster who showed up on a Harley-Davidson with his companion, who was wearing a Hawaii shirt.

I do not know if he was a gangster, but he was a Harley-Davidson riding fellow. My mom purchased the flurry with Oreos inside, and mind you remember that Oreos are a trademark of Nabisco. I was thinking about going to church in the car today, but I discarded that idea because I did not want to take communion and have to have a drop of wine. Moreover, at the church next door I do not even know how to take communion.

I have extremely vivid dreams. Mamaw asked me about the content of my dreams, and I told her that in them I fight evil. This is true. Mamaw said that her dreams were about going somewhere. I have a lot of dreams about my family, and recently I have dreamt a lot about my old friend Steven Moran, who plays a figure of evil and who is portrayed as out to ruin my life. Another figure in my dreams is my old friend Chris Merrill, who is portrayed as evil but who is even worse than Steven. I dream about Popee, and he is always a positive figure. I looked up to him as a grandfather in my youth and beyond though my parents are seen as evil. When I was psychotic, I had similar types of thoughts as in my dreams. I think that I will end this entry about now, as I do not want to do too much tonight. Maybe now I will be able to do more reading. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, June 12 2002

 

Well, I am still alive as far as Trinity College goes, and I really want to be sane though these psychotic thoughts keep coming back. I wonder if anyone really knows what good and evil is and if anyone has analyzed it enough. I read Schopenhauer for about fifty-three minutes today. I do like this book. I went on about a twenty three-minute bike ride today, ending early because of the hard rain falling. I saw my sister on the River Trail today, and she smiled and said “Hello.” I want to go to summer school at the University of Hartford.

Unfortunately, the class is expensive. There seem to be a lot of courses offered there. Today it has rained a lot, and I went out for a run tonight but had to turn back as soon as the rained picked up a lot. I have not watched any television today, which is a triumph for me in a way.

My room is not too hot now that the rain has come. My obsessions are still with me, and they tell me not to tell about listening to my new Ace of Base CD because it is the cursed number forty-five minutes long. The CD is forty-five minutes long; there, I got it out at least. Anything with a forty-five in it is cursed for me essentially. I do like the Ace of Base CD entitled Cruel Summer. I like the song “Cruel Summer” the most, and then “Tokyo Girl” comes next. There is a song entitled “Cecilia” that I do not care for on the CD.

 

I find myself thinking a lot about those melodies. “Cruel Summer” is a remake of the old Bananarama song with the same name, which I have always liked and which I thought of before as “Cruel Samba” for some reason. I went out to eat at The Beanery today, and I waited a little more than I would have liked as it was the lunching hour like “the witching hour.” I only got to run tonight for about five minutes because of the rain, but at least I got this in before it started pouring. Actually, I probably got about three minutes in before it started pouring, and then I hurried back home. I told my family at dinner today that I need new shoes, and my mom said that my shoes were in excellent shape, when they really are not. My parents do not know much about shoes. I woke up at around six o’ clock this morning, but then I was tired and fell back asleep. I woke up a few times between then and about ten o’ clock, when I finally got up.

I did not sleep as well as I would have liked last night, and I wonder why that was. Maybe I attempted too much yesterday. I think that someone is over here, and it might be Mamaw. I kind of hope that it is not because I do not feel like visiting today. I just want some time to myself tonight, and maybe I can watch the fourth game of the basketball series. So, Mamaw might be here. I wish that she had called so that I knew when she was coming over. I think that I am on page fifty in Schopenhauer. For lunch today I had an eggplant parmesan sandwich and some Fresh Samantha lemonade at The Beanery. The people in front of me had ordered before on the phone, and they had a bag of stuff that cost them about thirty-five dollars, I think. The person who gave me the sandwich was nice, young, and full of energy. I did not recognize anyone there.

When I was backing out of my space, there was a nice baby-blue Audi in the way, and the driver backed up for me. So, it pretty nice that I drove today. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I am glad that I wrote today though some distress had come over me when someone came in the door. Last night I saw part of a fine movie called Mystic Pizza, and I could use some pizza right now actually. Well, I wish the reader well. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, June 13 2002

 

It is a big accomplishment that I have not watched television yet. My mom and my sister went to the mall just recently, and my dad is at home. I think that there are some reunions going on at Loomis today, and someone in a red convertible beeped his horn and waved to me while I was running today. I rode my bike for about thirty-six minutes today, and I also ran quickly for about twelve minutes. The running actually made me more tired than the biking. I read Schopenhauer for about forty-eight minutes today, and I liked what I read though I did not like most of one section about laughing.

Schopenhauer intended to show what laughing was. He tried to explain it, but I did not follow his argument. He needed more examples to show his point. There is a big maroon and white banner hung across a couple of trees that

 

welcomes alumni of Loomis Chaffee. My exercising went well today. I kind of want to go to the University of Hartford summer school this summer, and I would like to sign up for it tomorrow; I can cancel this registration and get a full refund back if I need to, as long as I drop out before the first class. I kind of wanted to go to the Westfarms Mall tonight, but I could not psych myself up to go. There might not be too much at the mall either. I wonder why my sister and mother went to the mall tonight, and I wonder which mall they went to. I played my trumpet for about twenty-five minutes early today. I am not that bad at it, after all, really.

Last night I washed the trumpet it in the bathtub. The slide is still stuck, and I tried getting it loose but “to no avail” as the video game on the old Apple computers called Chivalry says. I remember the phrase “to no avail” from that computer game in which one jousts. There was another computer game called Joust, but it was not as good as Chivalry. The graphics in Joust were poor even for the Apple. I saw about half of the basketball game last night, and those games last a long time. Tonight in ice hockey is the Stanley Cup finals, which I am interested in seeing. I definitely want to return to Trinity College in the fall, and I will do what it takes to return there. It is good that it was not raining today. I need some new shoes for running.

Right now it is not very sunny. Still, I like it out. On my run today I wore a Loomis Chaffee soccer long-sleeved shirt. I wonder how the reunions went at Loomis today. My mom said that Mamaw turns eighty in July, and she sure does not seem like eighty. She is so smart and energetic, thus she is much younger in spirit, it seems. I have a psychiatrist appointment on Monday. I vacuumed my room after dinner today for a tiny bit. For lunch today I had a piece of bread with cherry jelly on it, blueberry soy yogurt, and some crackers. I do not eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich anymore, and I just do not have the appetite to eat a sandwich at lunchtime.

I am deliberately trying to cut down on watching television, as I do not think that watching television is healthy. I have not watched it at all today though I want to see some ice hockey tonight. Right now it is about seven o’ clock at night, and now I should do my conclusion. I wonder what I could do tonight; the ice hockey starts at around eight o’ clock. My bike ride went well, and for a change I went on a different route today. My bike is all right. I saw Ruthanne Marchetti today, and she said “Hello” to me. I saw her on my bike ride. I hope that the reader is doing all right these days. I am glad that I wrote today.

Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Friday, June 14 2002

 

I have been depressed lately. I wanted to go to The Beanery for lunch today, but my dad was not home. I tried playing my trumpet, but my lips hurt when playing. I should have known better than to think that the trumpet would

 

work out with me on this medicine. I am wearing a nice Brooks Brothers shirt that I have not worn much, so it looks like new. I wish that I could play the trumpet all right. Today is an overcast day. My mom is at work now in Glastonbury, and she works at MetLife. She could easily be a manager there, but she has never put her name in the running. I want to go to summer school this summer, and hopefully next week I will sign up at the University of Hartford in Hartford. If I had gone to The Beanery today, I probably would have gotten an eggplant parmesan.

Maybe I will be able to exercise today. I feel kind of tired right now, but I mostly feel depressed. I wish that I had been able to play my trumpet today, and today I want to cut down on television, as I have for the past few days. For lunch today I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for a change. I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight. I wish that I did not feel so tired right now. I miss the mall a little bit. Last night I did not sleep as well as I wanted to.

I wonder how it would be going to church. I wonder what there is to do today. There probably is not much to do really. Maybe it would be better if I had an easier book to read though I do like Schopenhauer’s book. Last night I dreamt that I was with Chris Merrill, walking through the woods, when a man from far off started running violently at Chris and me, so I ran away. I ran to the bridge where the car was parked and climbed over the railing though I was basically blind for some reason. Then back at home this same person was there, and he ripped apart all of the nice pictures of Popee that I had and ruined my room.

There was more to the dream, but I do not remember any more of it. I wonder how it would be at summer school, whether I would have the guts to drive there.

I briefly looked through an old Latin book that I used at Loomis ten years ago, which seems to me like an awfully long time. I hope that this plan not to watch much television works. I used to watch about five hours of television a day. I would like to watch about two and one half hours of television or less in the near future. I still have Ace of Base on my mind, and I was thinking today about listening to some Midnight Oil, which was a group that I used to like in the eighties.

I would like to read some today. Trinity College is fast approaching. I must go there; I have no choice but to go there, and I will do anything possible to go there. Popee would want me to return there. Well, I want to end this entry about now, having written about fifty minutes though I am glad that I wrote here. I hope that the rest of the day is all right, that I see Mamaw tomorrow, and that the reader is all right. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, June 15

 

I just finished cleaning up the dining room, and now the house is in decent condition. I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house today. I went to exercise today,

 

and I was out for only about twenty-three minutes because the River Trail was flooded. I feel pretty decent now that the dining room is about completed.

Mamaw’s house was neat, and I hope that she does not get a different one. Today Mamaw gave me one of Popee’s books, which was the second volume of the book that I am reading now, so now I have the two volumes of The World as Will and Representation.

The day is nice though not sunny, as Mamaw complained of. I saw part of a movie last night called Cruel Intentions, as there was a complete lack of shows to watch on television for some reason. I talked to Mamaw about me going to the University of Hartford for summer school, and she obviously thinks that it is a good idea. My last entry was pretty bad. I was in Popee’s room today, and it was missing Popee. I do miss him a lot, and I know that Mamaw misses him too. I wish that the River Trail was not flooded, and I wanted to do a full loop of the trail today.

I guess that television really does have a big influence on me. I seem to remember all of what I saw on television last night for the about hour and twenty minutes that I watched for. Now, at least, I know that the house is in better condition though now the living room needs work. I feel good with a clean house even though I do not live in a mansion. I am glad that I am writing here.

That movie last night was a devious one, and there was nothing else on television. That is too bad, but maybe there will be something worthwhile to watch on television tonight.

The second volume of Schopenhauer is even longer than the first volume, and I wonder if I will ever get through the first volume. I really want to go to the University of Hartford for the summer school there, and Mamaw seems to think that it has a nice campus. Then if I do well there, the plan is to go to Trinity College and to take a couple courses there in the fall. While doing the dining room, I had to communicate some with my parents as to where they wanted some stuff and as to whether they wanted to keep some stuff in the dining room. Among other things, I put the alcoholic things in the cabinet, where they should be kept.

I brought the stereo in the basement, for it did not belong in the dining room. Liz had a friend here earlier though which friend I am not sure. I was kind of tired on my exercising today though I do not know why. Well, I guess it was just the medicine again though I had hoped that it would have worn off a little in the afternoon. I am writing now after dinner. My entry yesterday was poor, and I do not even want to talk about it really.

I had a good dinner tonight. I basically had salmon, mango, and a salad. I wonder if I really will end up going to the University of Hartford. I have been out of college for what seems like forever. I looked through some of Popee’s books today. Popee has far more books than I do, and so he has thus probably read much more than I have. This one small book called Eros On Crutches he finished in about three days, as I saw on the dates that he put in on the back page of the

 

book. That was a Spring publication, and Popee has a lot of Spring publications. I want to read Schopenhauer tonight, but I do not know if I will have the concentration for it that I need. I was going to bring some of the stuff in the dining room upstairs, but my mom wanted to keep what was Granny’s in the dining room. I wanted to keep them there too, when I learned that they were Granny’s, or the property of my late great-grandmother.

So, last night I only watched about an hour and twenty minutes of television. I think that my sister’s friend is still here. My sister’s full name is Elizabeth Catherine Failla- I am not sure if the reader knew my sister’s middle name. In that movie Cruel Intentions, the infamous protagonist was trying to seduce a chaste young woman. This guy was pretty evil. I wonder what Mamaw is going to do tonight. I think that tomorrow she will come over, and it is for some reason, which might be to look for a house. I want to read Schopenhauer tonight, but I might not be able to. If I do not read him tonight, then I certainly want to read him tomorrow.

On Monday I have a psychiatrist appointment, as the guy in Cruel Intentions saw a therapist. The psychiatrist will probably want to talk to me about my psychotic thoughts. I certainly have a lot of them, and one of them is that I have turned neutral good from good. I would not want my reader to fall along with me. My hypothesis about being neutral good is that now I can go to college even though I cannot enjoy being good anymore. I sold my soul to college essentially, and this thought is prevalent and very hard to get rid of. No matter how hard I try, I come up with the same thoughts that I am neutral good now having fallen from the good position. Also, I think that Mamaw is neutral and that Popee was neutral good like me.

Therefore, it is obvious from that proposition that I would want to follow in my grandfather’s footsteps at Trinity College. I wonder what Popee would think about me thinking of going to summer school at the University of Hartford. I wonder if there will be any good movie on tonight, as I hope that there is. A part of me tells me that my thoughts about things are preposterous. I will try to listen to this sane part of me as much as I can and persevere through making headway against these psychotic thoughts.

Well, I wonder what will be on television later tonight. Now I have got to write my conclusion. Right now it is pretty hot in my room. I am wearing shorts and a button-down shirt. I am glad that I saw Mamaw today, and her eightieth birthday is coming up in July, I think. I think that Ann and Carol will be coming to Hartford to visit her. So, lately I have drastically cut down on watching television, and I think that this is a good idea though I hope that it lasts for a while. I have got to go now after having written for about fifty minutes, which I guess I will aim for in the future if I can now that I think of it. Well, I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, June 16 2002

 

 

I just recently had dinner and dessert with Mamaw and my family over here. I am stuffed from dinner and dessert. Mamaw and my family went looking for a house today, and they found a nice one in Walden Woods though I hope that my grandmother does not buy this house and that she stays with the house that she has. I read Schopenhauer today for about fifty-four minutes, and what I read was very fun to read. He talks about how men have reason, which enables them to reflect and to make sane choices in life, however life comes to them.

What a gift reason is to men to allow them to take different paths and to go through life as on a journey.

I exercised for about a half hour today on the River Trail. I think that my sister is watching television right now, and earlier on she was listening to it very loud. I told Mamaw that I did not think that it would rain hard on her way home, but it looks like it is raining hard right now. I think that Schopenhauer was one of the great minds of all time from what I read of him, and he has a knack for philosophy and for criticizing other philosophers.

Last night I watched most of a movie called Sphere, which was on NBC. In all, yesterday I watched television for about two and one half hours. That movie Sphere I guess went for about three hours, and I watched most of it. I am still thinking about going to the University of Hartford summer school so that eventually I can return to Trinity College in the fall. I showed Mamaw my new shoes, and my sister said that she liked them. I am kind of surprised in myself that I got New Balance running shoes though they have worked out all right. I had to get used to the new feel on the soles. I am not talking about fish either.

Schopenhauer would term this joke under laughter, for I used a word that stands for two things. I entirely do not get the explanation Schopenhauer gives for humor except for two concepts coming under one word. Anyway, I do not want to get hubris for being able to explain a daemonic gift given to man.

I heard recently that Henry Eaton left Loomis because he could not coach football, and this really surprised me. He was a really fine teacher at Loomis, and he probably was my favorite teacher that I had there. He said that I was the finest of his students in the Loomis comments that I got from the class. Well, the rain looks to have let up some, so I might have predicted the weather all right. It was not raining on my jog and walk today.

I passed three people on my jog and walk today, and I think that one of them said “Hello” to me. I am glad that people are able to reflect on things, not just to react to the stimuli from nature (and, thereby, as animals to live their lives only in the present instead of seeing the past), and be able to influence and to think about the future, of which death is involved in this concept sphere that Schopenhauer uses. I feel pretty well right now, and I really want to go to summer school this summer. I cannot get over the feeling that, like the young man who likes Julia Roberts in Mystic Pizza, I am exploring a different path in meeting people by going to the University of Hartford in the summer.

 

This thought about the movie Mystic Pizza might be kind of greedy and elitist though. Yet one has to realize that in my case movies make a great impression on me, and my thoughts often race and might not make much sense to a sane mind. I have lately been trying to watch less television and to do more creative and productive stuff, I guess. The plan has been working well though I am not sure how long that it will last. I am wearing my new shirt today, and it is pink with blue stripes and is very preppy. The other new shirt that I got is also very nice. It is a nice change for me that I got about one hundred and sixty dollars worth of stuff yesterday, as I have not gotten clothes or shoes lately. I wonder what will be on television tonight.

I must make sure to watch television tonight at around eight o’ clock. There will be nothing else to do tonight. Last night I slept pretty well even though I ate some chocolate before I went to bed, which would normally “throw me for a loop,” (as Mamaw would say), for usually I eat chocolate or anything with cocoa or vanilla extract in it at least an hour before I go to bed so that the supposed reaction would be over and done with by the time that I went to bed. I still have trouble with the words effect and affect though I am guessing that in the case of the sentence before I should have mentioned how the supposed effects would be through with by the time I went to sleep. The movie that I saw last night was kind of corny. The rain has all but stopped now. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. I am not dreading it, but I find it so hard to talk a lot to anybody much less someone who is not from my family. My sister liked my shoes today.

For dinner tonight I had shells with cheese in them and corn on the cob. For lunch I had a piece of rich chocolate and whipped cream pie. I feel stuffed right now to tell the truth. I wonder what Mamaw will do tonight, and I am sure that she will find something productive to do after a long day looking at houses with my family. I hoped that the trip was not boring or stressful for Mamaw and that she liked looking at houses. Today I am planning on writing for about forty- nine minutes. I am not writing for about fifty minutes, as my obsessive logic dictates that I had to go upstairs to bring my new shoes down to show Mamaw and Liz. This took about a minute, so that gets chopped off of the fifty-minute aim.

I do not know exactly what I will do tonight, and I really want to get the television at around eight o’ clock. The houses that Mamaw was looking at were about 250,000 dollars, and Mamaw would like to get around 300,000 dollars for her house in Hartford if she sold it. I guess that 300,000 is a good sum. This house is not worth too much really. Now at least also I look respectable with this new nice short-sleeved button-down shirt.

I am going to have to force myself to go to the University of Hartford this week to sign up for a course. The medicine surely slows me down still, and I wish that I weighed less though this baggy shirt looks fine on me. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I am glad that I wrote today and will have written for

 

about forty-nine minutes. Tomorrow I have that psychiatrist appointment, and then later in the week maybe I will go to the University of Hartford to sign up for a course there. I just hope tonight that I will be able to watch some television.

Right now my sister just went upstairs, and I think that she was talking on the phone. Of course, I wish the reader well. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Monday, June 17 2002

 

I just recently ate lunch. I feel kind of tired right now. I have a psychiatrist appointment today. I have not exercised today though I want to do so. I have a case of writer’s block right now. For lunch I had a piece of bread with some hummus and a cherry yogurt. I feel kind of lazy today, actually. I want to go to the University of Hartford this summer, and the drive there would not be too bad. I wanted to go to The Beanery today, but the car was not here. I almost said the car was out, but that would have given some personification. Last night I had some really vivid dreams that were much more real than usual. They were much more vivid than usual. My obsessions still get to me, and by that I mean that they are still annoying. I got up finally at around eleven o’ clock today. Today is a beautiful day, and the full strength of the sun is out.

I am wearing my new New Balance shoes, some blue J. Crew shorts, and a Brooks Brothers long-sleeved shirt though I did not feel like wearing my new Woolrich shirt today. I wanted to wear blue shorts, and the Woolrich shirt did not match these shorts. Green and blue do not match. Last night I watched television for about two and one half hours, and on television tonight there was another of those long three-hour movies that I saw most of. I do not know the name of the movie though. Someone or both of them were out with the car earlier today. I had so many dreams last night. In one I was in a room with several people who were good, and these good people are extremely rare.

They were old, and they had the capability of turning back time so that they could live forever in their old state. I remember in the dream that they could manipulate shadows caused by the shadow of a door right under it on the rug. They turned back time by manipulating the shadows. I said that I had to go to the bathroom, and there was only one, dangerous way to do this. I had to exit the safe room escorted by an old lady and brought down some stairs in the near darkness in a place that seemed like limbo. She brought me down, but on the way down some evil attacked. Therefore, I turned back and started running up the stairs trying to get to the room while the old lady was risking her life to save me from the evil. I was greedy in running up the stairs, for I did not help the old lady, who was being ripped to pieces by the evil spirits. When I got back to the room, some of the people had been transformed into toys and rendered obsolete. The two remaining old men were mad at me.

I also dreamt that Ron Marchetti was evil and was trying to kill me. His true form was of a huge giant who had a loud grunt. He wanted to kill me, and I

 

ran away from him. Then I fought him, but he pulled out a dreaded nuclear bomb and shot it near me. In my dreams the nuclear bomb is the only thing that can hurt me. I cast a spell using some mathematics equation, and it stopped the first blast until one of Ron Marchetti’s minions of evil broke through the shield.

A nuclear blast is so hard to defend against. After the minion broke the shield, the blast injured me. I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house for help, and they helped some. I needed to heal. In another dream I had another nuclear bomb that went off, and I was in a building with a sort of maze under the surface. I had been in this building in previous dreams.

There was only one safe place in there, and I scrambled for it. The safe place was down a passage and right behind some kind of blockade that would help me to escape from the deadly fire. Only behind this blockade would I be safe from the deadly fire of the nuclear bomb. The dreams about the nuclear bomb are all scary. In many of them the bomb lands near me, and I must scramble away and hide behind a tree or a fort to escape from the fire. In my dreams the nuclear bomb is like the only thing that can hurt me from my enemies.

In reality, I am likewise really afraid of nuclear missiles and of what they can do to people. I wish that the nuclear missiles proliferating were not here at all. So, I have my psychiatrist appointment today. I guess that I will mention how I still have thoughts of good and evil that are not based in reality. I should say that now I think that I am not good but neutral good. Now I should write my conclusion. I have an appointment today at three o’ clock. I hope that it is an all- right one. I kind of wish that I had the afternoon off though it might be kind of a catharsis to talk about things. I hope that the reader is still with me these days. I am still reading Schopenhauer, whom I like. Well, now is the time to go. The day is quite hot actually. I hope that the reader is doing fine. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, June 18 2002

 

I just recently got home from exercising. I went on the River Trail, and it was not flooded this time. Yesterday I was very disappointed at my psychiatrist appointment because he did not bring up the topic of my psychotic thoughts at all, and I guess that he forgot about it. That is too bad because I was ready to talk about it. My mom said that maybe I should bring it up, but it is his job to bring it up. Today I read Schopenhauer for about fifty-three minutes, and I was disappointed because he contradicts himself. Earlier in the work, he said that plants could not know everything through perception because they were not conscious and could not see, but today in the part that I read he said that plants can know everything because they receive stimuli, like other animals and people. I doubt that plants are able to perceive things though.

 

For dinner last night I had a good hamburger with lettuce, onion, and other stuff. I have been thinking a lot about going to summer school, and I wish that this medicine did not take all of my drive away from me. The medicine literally takes the drive out of me because I have such a hard time driving. That was funny now. My next psychiatrist appointment is next Thursday. James Bozzuto asked me what I was reading, and I said that I really liked Schopenhauer. That contradiction of Schopenhauer’s, if it is a contradiction, really annoys me. I did not think that he was one to have an error like this because he seemed to shun all errors. I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tonight, but I do not know if I will go. I really want to go to summer school.

Although I wanted to drive to The Beanery today, the car was not here, so I could not go. I feel kind of tired after exercising, as it takes a whole lot of effort just to keep me mobile. The classification of things, like animals, Schopenhauer called morphology, while the changing of states he calls etiology. He might have come up with this classification of perceptible things.

The sun is out in full force now. The day is hot. Still, it is not hot enough to put me in discomfort. I hope that I will be able to finish Schopenhauer.

Trinity College is looming in the future, and who knows whether I will be able to return to that great college. I do not know how I did it before, but I managed to get twenty-three of the thirty-six credits I need to graduate from Trinity College. I just need thirteen more credits, yet this seems so very hard to achieve. I really do not want to give up on college. I think that my sister got a haircut today. I wonder where she went to get it.

Some of Schopenhauer was difficult to understand today when he was talking about the essence of objects, or the thing-in-itself of objects that Kant talked about, I guess. Schopenhauer talks a lot about the sciences, but those sciences are not his field of expertise. He seems to have an amateur grasp of scientific concepts, but without this grasp his philosophy would suffer greatly, I think. He knows some about algebra and geometry. Yesterday I talked about Schopenhauer with the psychiatrist, and he thinks that I should not take an introductory course in philosophy since I am reading Schopenhauer. He thinks that the kids would be spoiled and only interested in taking an easy class for a good grade though I do not know if he is right about that. Like I mentioned before, I am disappointed that he seems to have forgotten about the psychotic thoughts that I mentioned last week. I really thought that he would bring those up, but instead I just had to talk about reading and summer school.

Schopenhauer is very smart, and he makes a decent use of examples. He mentions how animals do not know why they do things, like why a bird builds a nest for her eggs, yet I think that humans can be aware of their actions. I wonder what Mamaw did yesterday. I wonder how the roses at Elizabeth Park in Hartford look now, and I would very much like to see them. Yesterday after my appointment, I asked my dad to bring me to the University of Hartford campus and to drive around it. The place is on the way home from the psychiatrist, so it

 

was easy to drop by. The place is pretty big, actually. I saw a young woman jogging on campus, which is a sight that always lifts up my spirits. Whenever I see anyone jogging, this lifts up my spirits even though I cannot jog for more than about twenty minutes usually.

Just knowing that people are using their bodies and getting in shape lifts up my spirits usually. I wonder how hard a literature course would be at the University of Hartford, and what books I would read there. I hope that my sister did not get a mohawk today. I should probably get a mohawk, as that would surely attract some attention though probably the wrong kind of sympathetic attention.

The day is really beautiful today. I wonder what there will be for dinner today. Last night I did not watch much television, for there was nothing good on. I watched part of “Fear Factor,” but that is a terrible and disgusting show. In one part of the show the people had to bob for plums in a tank of so-called watersnakes and a big snake. This was obviously the disgusting part. Snakes are kind of disgusting, especially when put together in a tank like that. I am kind of afraid of snakes. I like the big snakes though as one can kind of pet them if brought in for a nature course, for example. A long time ago I went to the Northwest Park nature camp, and I think that there I was shown a lot about plants and animals. I think that there was a tarantula kept there in a big glass tank in the main room of the camp, where the people at the camp played fun word games out loud that would test memory. For example, to start a game, a person would say the name of an animal. Then the next person would say the same and come up with another name. If a person was wrong, then he was gone. The game went something like this, and the last man standing, so to speak, won the contest.

I remember camp at the L. P. Wilson center too, where I played the game capture-the-flag with the other people often. There were also arts and crafts that I did there. I seem to remember pretty much about my youth in a way. I like remembering my youth, except for the terrible day when I was wrongly accused of smoking pot. This seemed to have ruined my life from the day that I heard it through my mom in the sixth grade, and it manifested itself into the psychosis that I had. My mom told me on that fateful day that someone had told Susan Gottschalk that they did not like me because I smoked pot. So, either Susan Gottschalk made up that story maliciously, or someone had indeed told her the lie, as this mean person was out to foil my pristine way of life.

I was popular, and so maybe the person was jealous. From that day forth, I became withdrawn and lost my popularity with this weight on my head. I have told this to psychotherapists and a psychiatrist, but no matter how many times I have told it, it seems to hold true. I do want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house tonight. I just saw a blue jay in the yard. I am planning on writing for about an hour today. I really want to go to the University of Hartford this summer so that I will be able to return to Trinity College in the fall. I am glad that I wrote here

 

today. I woke up today at around ten-thirty, which is a good time to get up for me. I would like to go to summer school though I have to get up the bravery to go there. I wish that James Bozzuto had asked me about my psychotic thoughts, for I still have them under the surface, so to speak. I still think that I am neutral good and that Mamaw is neutral. Also, I think that my parents and sister are evil.

When I try to throw these beliefs out, I find that it is hard to do so permanently. I just try hard to tell myself that these psychotic beliefs are not true at all. I am wearing some Tommy Hilfiger khaki shorts with my new Woolrich short-sleeved button-down shirt. I wonder what Mamaw is having for dinner tonight. The hamburger last night was really a good one, and that there were hamburger buns this time was a huge plus. Without the hamburger buns, I would have been annoyed that such a good hamburger was eaten without a bun. Now I have got to conclude my journal entry for today. Today I will have written for about an hour, which is a good amount really. I wonder when my mom will get home today. My obsessions are still unfortunately with me, and I wish that they could just disappear. I hope that the reader is curious to see how I do in the near future. Well, now I have got to go. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, June 19 2002

 

I just recently read some of the Bible, which makes me afraid of God if He really is a jealous God. I went on a walk today for about forty minutes, for I was not able to read or write. So, I decided to go on a walk. Then when I got home I decided to read some of the Bible, and now I am writing. Last night I went to the Westfarms Mall and bought a nice belt from Brooks Brothers. I do like that store probably more than any other in the mall. The guy who rang up the belt was pretty nice, or had a nice demeanor. The mall is really nice though I was in there for only about thirty-five minutes. In the mall there was a big Apple store, which looked cool, and there were a lot of people there last night. There were many different nationalities there. There were some attractive young women there, especially in J. Crew.

There were some nice shirts that I saw last night. I am still thinking about going to summer school, and I might sign up for it tomorrow on the Internet. I just could not start reading Schopenhauer though I do not know why. I just had enough with the thing in itself and stuff related to that. My walk was really fun today, as it was so beautiful out. The day is really nice today. My sister was at dinner last night with a Loomis person named Betsy Tomlinson, who I think is a teacher there. The mall was pretty nice. I went into J. Crew, Banana Republic, and Brooks Brothers. The stores are all on the expensive side. I was surprised to find that Banana Republic seemed even more expensive than Brooks Brothers.

The mall was so big, with so many stores. I was kind of interested in Brookstone and the Discovery Channel Store, but I did not go in them, only looking in them as I walked by. At one point I got lost in the big mall, and I had to turn around. I

 

felt awkward just turning right around, so I had to stop at a place and then turn around. Little did I know that I had by mistake stopped at a restaurant, and I almost walked in there without a reservation. The place looked like a store, but I think that it was a restaurant.

My mom brought me last night. For lunch today I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. On my walk today I passed a lot of people on the River Trail.

There was a slightly fat man with his two dogs. The man was wearing a belt, but his outfit did not look like it came from a good store. I saw an old man with a boy walking along, and I passed them. I also saw a fat man with a boy. There was a man walking along a baby in a stroller. So there were a lot of men and boys on the trail today. I was extremely pleasantly surprised to see a small fox on the River Trail. As I approached from a distance, it was sitting on the trail, but then sat up with its lanky frame and trotted off into the trees. I was relieved that it was not a stray dog, for that could have been dangerous.

I kind of want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house tonight, but I will have to see how I feel about it later. I looked for belts last night at J. Crew and Banana Republic, but the belts at the Brooks Brothers store were better. I am wearing the belt right now, and it is quite fancy. I am wearing it with khaki shorts from The Gap, which I thought would look better with a belt than my Tommy Hilfiger’s, which have a waist size that is kind of big for me actually. I wonder if my mom wants to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tonight.

Now I have to write a conclusion. I am glad that I wrote here today even though I will have written for about a half hour, which is less than I have written very lately. I am glad that I could write here today. I might sign up for summer school at the University of Hartford tomorrow. I had a tough morning today, as I was swooning in bed a lot and was thus exhausted in the morning, which is paradoxical. I heard from my mom that in Iceland a gene, which was identified in causing schizophrenia, was found. This might help with the medicine.

Anyway, I have got to go now. I wish the reader well. I hope that I will be able to write here tomorrow. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Friday, June 21 2002

 

Right now it is extremely hot out. I went on a walk, but I had to cut it short because of the intense heat. I read some of the Bible today for about an hour.

The Bible is all right, and there are some profound passages in it. I feel so incredibly tired right now. I went to Mamaw and Popee’s last night. I have been wondering what if Mamaw was not neutral, but instead was a good person as told about in the Bible. Then that would make her higher in my eyes. Maybe even my mom, dad, and sister are good. Who knows. I went on a walk for about nineteen minutes, and I did not do a River Trail loop today. I called about summer school today, and now I am all signed up for the literature class. The person whom I got was kind of off, but that is all right. I did not get to watch any

 

television yesterday, for my sister was watching it at night when I wanted to watch it.

The Bible has some nice passages in it. Last night I saw Mamaw and some of Popee’s old sweaters. I remembered when he wore the nice sweater with the deer on it. I wonder what was on television last night. My sister watched Music Television a lot it seems, which is probably the worst channel on television these days. I hope that everything works out with the course this summer and that I get through it all right. I hope that I get a parking sticker if I need one. I wish that it was not so hot out today, for I am afraid of even going out anywhere.

I just had two brownies that Mamaw gave me yesterday, and I think that they are homemade. Last night I had a lot of chocolate-chip cookies that Mamaw gave me, and they were homemade. I had to go to East Hartford because my dad wanted to avoid the strange traffic. East Hartford is much poorer than West Hartford or Hartford. I had a good dream last night. I dreamt that I had a small group of friends who were super cool, which means that they have nice personalities, and I did good things with them. The group was really cool, they dressed nice, and each had his own unique and good personality. One had curly orange hair. They gave me a CD player to put on my waist, and they told me that it would be there when I woke up. I was supposed to put plastic explosive on part of Fred Seebeck’s notebook computer, where he would not see it, and then blow up the explosive to ruin the computer. This was a naughty deed, but it was a good thing to do. Fred is an English teacher at Loomis Chaffee. I cannot believe how hot it is today.

The temperature is sky-high. I wonder if I will make it to college this summer, and only time will tell. If I make it through the summer at the University of Hartford, then I likely would be able to go to Trinity College too. I called Trinity College today about getting credit for the literature course, but the office of the registrar was closed. Obviously, I hold Trinity College close to my heart. Last night I listened some to a James Bond CD that had songs from many or all of the James Bond movies. I like the song “View to a Kill.” I also like the song “The Living Daylights.” I am wearing a Polo short-sleeved shirt that I do not think that I have ever worn, for the reason that it has the familiar logo on it. Now, however, I am wearing the light-green shirt. I am wearing my new New Balance shoes. Now I have to write my conclusion. I am glad that I wrote today. I was swooning when I got up today, and I hate feeling so tired for nearly the entire morning. It is ridiculous that when I feel awake, it is about noon. So, Trinity College is still alive for me, and I hope that the reader wishes me luck on going to summer school. I hope that the reader is doing all right. I am off now. Bye bye.

I have decided to write more on this June 21. I just got home from jogging for about sixteen minutes and walking for about eight minutes. I am soaked with sweat. Tonight for dinner I drove out to McDonald’s, and I had a Big Mac, a large fries, and a large Sprite. I ate it with my family, though, so I was politically

 

correct. Earlier today I walked for about nineteen minutes. I got kind of mad tonight because my sister was blasting the radio, and I asked her nicely to turn the radio down though she did not. Now, however, I think that she is listening to the television or the radio not too loud. I really want to lose weight, but I find it so hard to do so. I cannot bike every day because my rear gets sore. I cannot run very far because of the medicine, and I cannot lift weights because they make my muscles sore. I have not been able to get to Schopenhauer today maybe because when I wanted to read it tonight, my sister was listening to her music blasting.

I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house tomorrow. I could not have run more tonight had I tried. I need to lose some weight though Mamaw said last night that it looked like I had lost some weight. My dad needs to lose some weight too. My mom needs to gain some weight, for she is so light. I was able to run tonight because it got cooler out. If it had not cooled down some, I would have never gone out. It was still hot tonight, though, which is why I did not stay out for the last six minutes. I am glad that I did not force myself to run for a full half hour tonight. I had some water when I got home from this exercising of mine. I can still feel that hamburger in my stomach.

At McDonald’s some people were horsing around. I did not mind this, though, and it showed that the people were upbeat. I ordered a large Big Mac meal there. I saw two young women at Loomis stretching. I now imagine one of them maybe knowing me and telling the other one that see he is on medicine, and the other one nodding in astonishment. I wish that I could run fast. Yet I was able to run a loop and more of Loomis today, so I got in my exercise. I also got in my fat intake tonight, so I will probably not eat much heavy stuff tonight. I am wearing the Polo shirt, which is now wet with sweat. The phrase “wet with sweat” rhymes.

My Polo is wet with sweat. There is a really close McDonald’s, which is the one that I went to. My obsessions are annoying still, but thankfully they have been manageable. I wonder if I will make it to summer school, and classes start on July 7. Now I have to write my conclusion. I will have written here for about a half hour. So in all, I wrote today for a total of about an hour counting the other entry that I wrote today. I can only hope that I make it to college this summer all right. I hope that I get to watch some television tonight. I hope that the reader is doing well. Loomis looked nice tonight, especially the nice playing fields in the back. I miss Loomis. Well, now I am off. I hope that the reader is doing well.

Bye bye.

 

Saturday, June 22 2002

 

I just recently was reading some Schopenhauer. I have the fan on now, for it is quite hot out. After reading the Schopenhauer, I went down to the kitchen and got some turkey, yogurt, and soy milk to drink. Now I could drink and drive with soy milk. I am just kidding. I saw Mamaw today, and she gave me a shirt

 

and a tie which belonged to Popee. I think that the tie is a Westminster tie, where my aunt Carol (whom Mamaw said wished me well at school) went to high school. Westminster is a private school in Simsbury, which is a good-quality institution. I saw Mamaw at her house. My dad went to a poetry reading at Elizabeth Park in Hartford, and one of the poets agreed to do a reading at Loomis for one of my dad’s philosophy classes.

I went to the West Hartford Public Library today. The library disappointed me, for I was expecting it to be nicer. I did not get anything there. I still hope that I will go to summer school, and I am holding out hope that I will go. In some other words I am planning on going. I think that it is too late to turn back now. I was really disappointed in the West Hartford Library today though it was much better than the Windsor Library. I guess that someone tried to break into Mamaw’s house by climbing up the gutter, and he broke the gutter. Mamaw finished the book that is set in Louisiana, and now she is reading a different book. She reads a lot. She was going through Popee’s clothes today, and she is going to have a big tag sale soon. Carol and Ann I think are coming up in July, Carol from Missouri and Ann from Florida. I read Schopenhauer tonight for about fifty-seven minutes. I went for a walk on the River Trail tonight for about thirty-six minutes, and there was only one person walking on the trail. The library had a bunch of classical CDs, but I did not have the heart to buy them.

There were a lot of opera CDs there too, and if I still was interested in opera, I probably would have bought a lot of Verdi operas. There was one motley-looking man standing around, and I saw an old man with torn slacks. The old man was more forbidding then the other, as I think that he was cursing to himself in front of my mom and I outside of the library.

Right now it is dim out, and it is around seven-thirty at night. I hope that I will be able to watch television tonight at around eight o’ clock. I wonder what my family has planned for tomorrow. I was asked tonight if I wanted to go to Bertucci’s, but I said that I did not want to go. So, tonight I had some fish, which was good. I had some olives too, and these had a strong, bitter taste. I wonder what is on television tonight. I am looking forward to going to summer school, and I am getting more confidence in myself that maybe I can do it after all. I hope that those vandals stay away from Mamaw and Popee’s house. Mamaw said that looking at those sweatpants made her sick, from when Popee was sick. He used to wear those sweatpants in bed, and looking at them made me sick too.

My mom drove me to the West Hartford Library today. The outside looked nice, but the inside was kind of ugly. I do like West Hartford very much, though, and I would not mind living there when I graduate from Trinity College. I am gaining more confidence in myself though I hope not foolishly. I want to finish up college, for that is what Popee would have wanted me to do. Also, my whole family wants me to finish up college. I want to make Popee proud of me. So, today I will have written for about a half hour, and I am not writing for a full hour because I went out today. Yet I am glad that I am writing here.

 

Schopenhauer is going very well though I did not understand a quote from Goethe’s Faust though that is nothing new.

I either did not like Faust, or the book went over my head. I do, however, like very much many other of Goethe’s works. Now I have got write this conclusion. I wish the reader health and happiness. I wonder how the reader is faring, and I hope that the reader is faring well. Mamaw seems to be doing well though she might have wanted to go to Bertucci’s tonight. I said that I would work on going to Bertucci’s, which meant that I would work on going out for dinner for the future. Anyway, I hope that I get the television tonight. At Mamaw and Popee’s house today I have only watched a tiny bit of television, which was the soccer World Cup game that went on yesterday. Germany defeated the United States 1-0. The United States did very well in the tournament. Well, now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, June 23 2002

 

I was just recently reading from the Bible. I was reading Acts from the New Testament, and I read for about an hour. I am planning on going to Mamaw and Popee’s house tonight for pizza. I guess that my parents will pick up a pizza from Bertucci’s. I had a slow start to the day today, for I could not concentrate on Schopenhauer. Reading the Bible is somewhat easier than reading Schopenhauer. I guess that I like the Bible. There was not much technology in those days, but the power of the word was still there.

I wonder if my sister is going to come over to Mamaw and Popee’s tonight. I think that it is far too hot to go exercising this afternoon, and the heat is really annoying. I was really tired this morning, but now I feel better. For lunch I had two pieces of bread, each of which had some hummus on it. My sister is home now, and I wonder what she has planned for today. I cannot believe how hot it is today. I wish that the roses were in better shape. They are dying, dry, and parched. I am looking forward to going to summer school at the University of Hartford, and I hope that I like the course. I was really tired today when I got up, and maybe having some coffee when I get up would help.

I wonder what Mamaw is doing right now. She is probably reading. I wish that it were not so hot. I am glad that Carol wishes me well at school. I wonder how my cousin Sarah is doing in Florida with her two children, Alex and Adam. She is probably pretty happy, and I look up to her a lot. I kind of miss her. I have not seen her in a long time. I wonder how the pizza will be. I do not dare go outside, for it is really hot out today. I needed the fan turned towards me last night.

Last night I saw part of a James Bond movie on ABC called The Spy Who Loved Me. Actually, I saw most of the movie, and the heroine in the story was pretty. There was absolutely nothing else of interest on television last night. I watched television for about two and one half hours last night. I miss Popee’s

 

presence. I miss playing ping-pong. It was not long ago that Popee and I were having some good rallies. My next psychiatrist appointment is on Thursday. My summer school starts on July 7. I hope that they send me a packet with a map in it. I have to practice driving soon, and I really need to get into the habit of driving. So the dog days of summer, so to speak, have come, and they present a challenge to get through.

Mamaw’s house is cool because of the new air conditioners that she bought. The day is, nevertheless, beautiful out. I am sure that the birds are digging it, so to speak. They are probably digging for worms for food too. I wish that I could exercise today, and maybe I will have the chance to do so later on in the day today. I miss being by the beach, and days like this make me want to be on the beach. I want to be in the sand. I wish that I could exercise better than I can. As long as I can get through Trinity College, though, I will be happy. I hope that I can keep up my journal at college this summer and in the fall. I do like this journal very much. I wonder what is happening in world news, and I have not watched the news lately.

It seems that I have been spending a lot of time at Mamaw and Popee’s house lately. I hope that that is not a bad thing. I kind of wish that I had some good CDs to listen to like by Debbie Gibson or INXS though I might not like those groups now. I liked them a long time ago. My obsessions are still annoying, and they are still there, unfortunately. I have been trying to overcome these obsessions. Schopenhauer says that the elements are constantly trying to become stronger grades of the objectification of the will. At the highest grade of the will’s objectification are human beings, but they then pass away. The warring elements in strife get back their due. I think that in humans beauty is found in a character when the will’s objectification is highest and when the human will through strength climb out of the primordial soup, so to speak, of bad character to become a good character.

Now I have to write my conclusion, and I will have written today for about thirty-three minutes. I wish the reader well. I cannot believe how hot it is today. I feel kind of bad that I was not able to read Schopenhauer earlier on. I still look up to God and strive for the good in things. I just hope that I can do it in a way saner than before, as before I was somewhat psychotic. I am trying to overcome that now. I am off now though. Bye bye.

 

Monday, June 24 2002

 

I just recently was reading the Bible. The day is extremely hot, and there is no way I can even go out for a walk in this hot weather. I called Trinity College today, and they told me to print out the application for transfer credit. I wish that they just could have sent the thing to me. I got something from the University of Hartford today. I got a sheet of paper with the literature course on it. I wish that I had gotten a map of the university or something. I got up way too late today. I

 

hate getting up so late. I wanted to go out earlier on today, but my sister has the car now. I guess that if I go out with the car, I will have to wait until after dinner.

I want to exercise today, but I do not know if I will be able to. Schopenhauer is still going well. I have been keeping busy with my reading lately, and I am almost through with Acts in the Bible. Mamaw is reading Romans. I cannot believe how hot it is today. I feel lethargic today probably because I got up at around noon. I just am so tired in the mornings that the morning is over quickly without me having done much.

The person at Trinity College was kind of nice today. I wish that she had sent me the transfer-credit application in the mail. Now I have to print it up on the computer, and I hope that I will be able to get access to it without a password. In the mail today I got some extraneous thing from Trinity College about insurance. Still, anything from Trinity College strengthens my will to go though they have not sent me much really. I was thinking about going to the bookstore today to get some CDs, but I do not think that I want the CDs extremely much to go out for. I cannot believe how hot it is out today, and even in this room doing nothing I am very hot.

My mom asked me last night if I thought that I would drive some today, and I said “Yes.” I hope that I get to drive today. I was reading Acts today in the Bible, and toward the end, when Paul is on his travels, it gets kind of boring. The Bible mentions all of the places that Paul goes. Paul says that God likes even the gentiles, who are not Jewish. Paul says that God treats all men equally and judges them according to their personalities. Schopenhauer thinks that each man is born with a certain personality and that this personality does not change although men are presented with different circumstances in which, say, the bad man could be in a position of power and the good man could be put in prison.

The will as a thing-in-itself is groundless, but humans know the will’s phenomena.

So, college at Trinity College starts in about two months. I have got to get to the University of Hartford summer school if I have any chance at succeeding at Trinity College, for I need to have experience in getting back to school. I just hope that summer school at the University of Hartford will not be a bad experience. I hope that the rooms are air-conditioned. I want to go on a car ride today maybe to Bloomfield to practice driving to the University of Hartford. The main impediment to my going there is driving, which I am realizing is not too hard of a thing to do. All driving is really is turning the steering wheel and putting one’s foot on the pedal. I do not think that it is really all that horrible.

Mamaw said that Popee had a lot of commentaries on the Bible and that I could get some of them. Popee has tons of commentaries on the Bible in his room on the second floor of his house. My mom asked me how I would like living at Mamaw and Popee’s house. That might be a good idea, but I would have to think about it. I cannot believe how hot it is today. Today is a scorcher, and I guess that it is supposed to be like this all week.

 

Now I have got to write my conclusion. I am glad that I wrote today though I did not write the full hour, as I had planned. I have written about a half hour instead. Anyway, I hope that my dad’s printer has some ink in it so that I can print out that application for transfer credit. I hope that I can get credit for the summer school course. I hope that the people in the class are going to be nice, and I wonder what I will read for the course. I wonder how big the class will be. In any case, I have got to go. I hope that the reader is doing all right. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, June 25 2002

 

I was just reading the Divine Comedy for about fifty-six minutes, and I could not read anything else. I wanted to read Schopenhauer, but I could not. Earlier today I finished the first of two sections of Corinthians. Earlier today, I did not feel like writing, but now I guess that I feel like writing. I kind of want to do something tonight like go to the ice cream place in Windsor Locks. That place has good ice cream there. I looked at the old picture of the freshmen at Hamilton College, where I was at for about two months, and I remembered a lot of people there.

I did not have a very good experience there though one person whom I lived with was nice, and his name was Michael. The dorm that I lived in was really nice, though, and if I was living with different boarders, then things would have maybe worked out for me at Hamilton College. My sister got me an eggplant parmesan sandwich at The Beanery today, but she would not let me use the keys. She was going to meet someone. So, I not getting to go to The Beanery today was a letdown. I flipped through a Loomis yearbook, and some people went to some good colleges. The Hamilton College picture really brought back the memories though. I remember a nice kid from Choate, whom I helped with Latin. I remember the second-year Latin professor and telling her that I was going to drop the class to go into first-year Latin.

This professor was kind and attractive. She said that if I wanted to and thought that I could not handle the course work, I could drop her course. I think that I took four courses my first year, and I will see if I can remember what I took at Hamilton College. I was taking English, Economics, Psychology, Latin, and the Brass Choir. I had to try out for the Brass Choir, and I remember most vividly playing a note for as long as I could. I played it for a long time. Now, however, I can barely hold a note strongly for a period more than a whole note. The medicine has ruined my life, but in a way it is better being on it than being psychotic. I wonder what would have happened if this world would accept people who were psychotic. I probably would have ended up killing myself, as I almost did when I got psychotic.

I mean that I was close to death, for I was about to swallow a lot of bleach, but there was none left in the carton downstairs. So, I have had an angel on my

 

shoulder for a long time. Today is hot but not extremely hot. Still, it is too hot to exercise in today. I wanted to get copies made of car keys, but when my sister went out, she took the keys with her. So, I have not been out at all today. This is annoying, and it is annoying that I have also not read Schopenhauer.

Corinthians is a hard part of the Bible to understand. There are some really tough passages there. I do not like the Divine Comedy as much as the Bible or Schopenhauer. I was reading from the second book, which talks about purgatory, and I started reading from the beginning. I have not watched television today. Last night I finished Acts, and then I watched television for about two and one half hours. There is nothing much happening in the world now as I understand it. I hope that I go somewhere tonight. I hope that I make it to summer school. I need to get outside today. For some of the day I was hopeless as to what to do.

I miss reading The World As Will and Representation, for I like the philosophy set forth there. The day is pretty out today. I am wearing dark khaki pants and a red shirt with white stripes. I am also wearing my Brooks Brothers belt that I got recently. That Hamilton College photograph brought back some tough memories, and I do not know why I keep that thing. I had some bad experiences there. Now is the time to write my conclusion. I am glad that I wrote here. The day is so nice out, and there is a beautiful yellow rose in the garden. I hope that I do make it to college this summer, or I should say to the university. I will be going to a university in the summer. Then hopefully it is on to Trinity College in the fall. Well, I am off now. I still look up to God and ask for His help with things. I will see the reader soon likely. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, June 26 2002

 

I was just watching some television, but there was not much on. Right now it is extremely hot out, so I have the fan on now. I did not feel very well today though I managed to get in about a half-hour walk. I did not do any serious reading today, and I was on the Internet some looking up Andover, Choate, and Groton. Then I looked through some older Loomis magazines. I also went to get some ice cream in Windsor Locks with my parents. I saw Laura today, who is one of my sister’s friends. I almost said that she was one of Lizzie’s friends. Laura is good-looking, but she is really loud though I did not find that a bad thing.

She had blond hair and was dressed nicely. There was not much on the Internet with those schools though Groton had the better of the websites, as it was more up to date and had profiles of students there. There was nothing else to do today because I was sick. I had a headache, and I might have been possibly fighting off what my dad had the other day though I do feel better now. When I was in the car today with my parents, my dad was talking, and I felt extremely nervous and emotionally charged. My sister asked me what show I was watching when she was with Laura, and I answered with a matter-of-fact answer. She then

 

repeated what I said in a retarded voice, as if I were retarded, which I am not. There is nothing wrong with retarded people, I should say here. Anyway, I did not like this, as yesterday she called me selfish. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. I do not really want to drive tomorrow, but I feel that I have to.

If I want to return to Trinity College, I must resume driving a lot. So, tomorrow I want to drive to Hartford to see the psychiatrist. In a Loomis magazine that I was looking through I saw how a daughter of the psychiatrist had gotten married. It is a big accomplishment really that James Bozzuto had three kids who graduated from Loomis. I finally got up at around twelve-thirty, but, since I was up earlier, I really got up about an hour earlier “I reckon,” as Mamaw would say. She says “I reckon” a lot. I wonder what she was doing today. I had a good walk around Loomis today, and there were really not many people there today. The campus really looked beautiful, though, and I do miss being there.

I wonder why the family ever moved off of campus. My parents are getting a new car, but it might be a Suzuki, which is the worst choice for a car. They might get a Toyota Camry, though, which is a good choice. My mom likes the Suzuki, I guess, because it is smaller than the Toyota. “To each his or her own,” as they say. I watched television for about two hours and fifteen minutes today. I am writing now at around ten o’ clock at night. Tomorrow I have a psychiatrist appointment, and I also wanted to drop off at Mamaw and Popee’s house to look through some Bible commentaries that Mamaw mentioned. I wish that I had not gotten up so late today, for I lose so much time that way. Also, I wish that I had read something besides about Andover, Groton, Choate, and Loomis. That gets boring in a day because one can only take about an hour of such reading before it gets repetitive.

I feel bad that I have neglected to read Schopenhauer much lately as that is such a good book. I tried reading the Bible today, but I could not read much.

The sickness hampered me. I am looking forward to going over to Mamaw and Popee’s on Saturday. I had a nice walk today, and I noticed how the entire football field was torn up as well as an entire lacrosse field. All there were in these places was a bunch of brown soil. I noticed how nice the science center looked and how serene the campus was.

Where the two hard courts near Chaffee used to be is now a small area of grass just bare. The clay courts near the science center are still there though no one was playing on them when I walked by them. I wore my new New Balance shoes, which have some dirt on them now. I think that I would like some new shorts. I wore a green short-sleeved polo shirt today over my Florida State tennis shirt. I have been trying to stay in reality, however hard that might be, trying my hardest to function as an able citizen. Last night I drove for about twenty minutes.

I was practicing for my drive to the University of Hartford. I am glad that I wrote today, and now I have got to write my conclusion. I will have written today for about a half hour. I wish that I stayed up this morning, when I got up, instead

 

of feeling so tired and hopeless and staying in bed. I find it hard to stay up in the morning for the entire morning because this medicine is constantly putting me down and lowering my motivation. So, I got a dose of high schools today, and that is a scene that I have long ago left though I am glad that I graduated. Like Mamaw says though, what people teach these days is not really too good and is meant for acquiring material things. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, June 27 2002

 

I was just sitting on the couch in the living room. I was doing this because it is so hot out today. I cannot believe how hot it is. I cannot go on because of the heat, but I will try writing tomorrow. Bye bye.

I am writing this later on in the night. I can write now because the air conditioner is on. My dad installed it tonight. I wanted to say thanks, but I was too paranoid to. Right now it is nice and cool in here with the Kenmore air conditioner. Today I read some psalms for about an hour in the Bible, and I did like the psalms. My parents bought the Suzuki today. I guess that my sister is going to go to New York City tomorrow though my mom does not think that that is a good idea. I have not been able to read Schopenhauer lately for some reason. I have a mental block, or a reader’s block. I went to my psychiatrist appointment today, but I did not drive there. My dad drove me. I feel so much better with the air conditioner in here.

I cannot believe that my parents bought the Suzuki. My parents have an air conditioner in their room too though I do not think that my sister has one in her room. I am guessing that my sister is going to New York to find a job though I do not think that she should go there. I watched about two hours of television today. I talked about cross-country with the psychiatrist today though I felt kind of uncomfortable talking about it. I mentioned Nick Bozzuto, and I said that I remembered that he was fast. I remember Fred Seebeck telling me that the track coach said that I was fast, and he said this when I was on the track. I feel so lucky and grateful that I can write here tonight, for it was a long time coming. I did not do much before I went to the appointment.

After I got home from the appointment, I read the Divine Comedy for about a half hour, but I could not concentrate well. I managed to do about a ten-minute walk though I did not feel comfortable doing more than ten minutes because of the high heat. Now it is cool though, and such a big difference. Tomorrow I do not have anything planned though I want to see Mamaw on Saturday. I wish that I could see Popee. I also went for a drive today for about twenty-six minutes. I drove towards Bloomfield, but I am not sure if I actually entered Bloomfield. I want to keep reading Schopenhauer, and I will have to make an effort to do so.

The psychiatrist said that he thought that it was great that I was going to go to the University of Hartford for a summer course and that he thought that it would be an easy class for me. I will bet that it will not be too easy, though, for

 

there will probably be a lot of reading involved. My dad drove me to the psychiatrist and installed my air conditioner, so I owe him thanks. I hope that I can give back to him through going to school. My dad said that Mamaw said that she felt lightheaded today, but upon going there while I was talking to James Bozzuto he said that she felt all right and that she was watching tennis on television. My obsessions at night have gotten better.

Tonight I watched “Friends” and “Scrubs” on NBC. I am so relieved that this air conditioner is working and that it is in my room. I look up to God probably more than anyone, and I hope that He judges men according as their meet. There was one particular psalm that I liked a lot, and the psalm seemed to sum up my thought on some matters. I hope that my sister does not go to New York tomorrow, for I do not think that she will like it there. On my ride, I felt a bit more comfortable behind the wheel than I did in the past. Last night I had a bad dream concerning Dr. Hill. He was out to get me. I have dreams that I am getting a brain transplant or that my brain was being made mechanical. I have a lot of dreams about my schizophrenia relating to getting brain transplants or having my brain altered through mechanics. James Bozzuto is a nice person, and I gave him a hard time in this journal in the past partly because of my psychotic thoughts making him evil. He has grown into a friend, though, it seems. I hope that tomorrow I get to read some Schopenhauer.

I miss reading The World as Will and Representation. I hope that I can sleep with the air conditioner on tonight. For some reason I feel elated tonight though that might be a period of being foolish, for I have to remember where my priorities are. Going to the university is going to be tough, and there is no doubt about that. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I wish the reader well, and I always seem to remember the reader when I write these entries. Today I will have written for about a half hour. Unfortunately, I ate too much junk food tonight, as I ate a lot of pretzels and other stuff. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Friday, June 28 2002

 

I was just watching television. Although I did not take the car out today, I did get two keys made at the True Value store in town by a nice kid, and I think that his mother worked there too. The keys were cheap at about two dollars each. The kid was polite, and his mother was nice. I heard his mother on the phone with her child, and she was asking if the child had finished cleaning her or his room and had cleaned the radiator.

My sister is in New York City, and I recently asked my mom what she was doing there. My mom said that she was visiting friends. I am wearing khaki Tommy Hilfiger pants, a white Starter T-shirt, and my relatively new pink button- down short-sleeved shirt over the Starter shirt. Actually, it was a relief that I was able to read some Schopenhauer tonight, and the book is still extremely interesting to me. I have no doubt that Schopenhauer was a genius, and he

 

talked in his book about what it takes to be a genius. He showed how madness and genius intertwine. He tries to explain madness in a portion that I did not understand too well although I understood well everything else that I read today.

I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. I hope that I get a good night’s sleep tonight, as last night I did not sleep too well. There was nothing even remotely decent on television tonight. I watched television for about two hours tonight. I have the song for a Hallmark commercial in my head now. The song goes, “I’ll remember you. You remember me.” There is more to it than that though. I still am holding out hope for going to summer school. I will have to go next week to the university to get my books and my parking sticker. It seems that I have not seen Mamaw in a while.

Today I exercised for about a half hour. I jogged to the River Trail, walked a loop around it, and then jogged home. I was surprised that I felt all right in that heat today. I passed a nice-looking family in which the kids looked happy. The family kind of reminded me of my family, including Sarah, John, and my aunts. I remember being happy over there in Hartford with them by my side. I read the Bible for about fifty-five minutes and then ten extra minutes today for a total of about an hour and five minutes, and I read Schopenhauer for about fifty minutes today.

The keys at True Value did not take long to make, and I liked the inside of the hardware store more than I thought that I would. I saw an attractive person who worked there, who had blond hair, and who had a nice voice although she had a kind of ugly tattoo on her ankle. Mamaw says that a person named Walter who worked on her house has a lot of tattoos. I respect myself too much to get a tattoo though this is just my opinion. I saw some people skateboarding today, and they were pretty good in their tricks. One of them called another of them “the f*g in the red shirt.” They were joking around with each other. I do not think that I said “Hello” to anyone on the River Trail today though I passed some people. The day was really beautiful today.

In the Bible I read from the Psalms, and I think that I still have about half of that section left to read. I looked through a Loomis Chaffee magazine for about ten minutes today. Everyone is so obsessed about getting into college. I read about what the new athletic center is going to be like and about how it will cost fourteen million dollars indicating that the school is rich. Just when James Bozzuto mentioned that the Loomis track was terrible, here I read about it in the magazine that the old track will be replaced by a new one. Maybe tomorrow I can play Scrabble with Mamaw though I would really surely like to play ping- pong with Popee.

For dinner tonight I had an artichoke and two crab cakes. My mom is feeling better from her sickness. I hope that tomorrow I do not become indolent, not going to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I must realize how important my family means to me. I have got it good here, and I must repay my parents in kind. I was not planning on writing here tonight, but there is nothing much else to do. The

 

television is terrible, as there are no good shows on to watch. I wish that something good would come of the television, but the thing to do seems to be to throw it out in the trash though the computer is essential for me to write here.

Now I have got to write my conclusion. I am glad to be here, and I have to stay strong to look forward to going to the University of Hartford this summer. I really have my heart set on returning to Trinity College in the fall. I want to complete my degree, for that would be something that I could be glad of. I will have written about a half hour tonight, something that I did not think would happen earlier in the day. I hope that the reader is still with me. The reader is important, and I just hope that this journal survives and that I do not burn it or throw it in the river if I get psychotic. Now I am ranting and raving though, so I will now go. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, June 30 2002

 

I just recently got home from exercising. Right now it is late, for me anyway, as it is around nine o’ clock at night. I had a good day today, for I got to see Mamaw. I went to a restaurant with my family tonight. I do not remember the exact name, which is Italian, and it is part of a chain of restaurants. I had some pizza and a salad, but I thought that the pizza was kind of greasy though I think that my parents and Mamaw liked what they got. I did not really mind the pizza though. The waitress was nice.

The people working there seemed friendly enough. There are some really nice homes in West Hartford. I told Mamaw today that I had to go to the University of Hartford this week to get a parking sticker. When I was at the restaurant, Mamaw said that I was branching out, and I take this now as a compliment. My dad told me that he was glad to see me there. I do not mind the new car as much now, for it is kind of cute, as they say.

I think that Mamaw enjoyed being at the restaurant. For a time there was a couple with their very young children there, and Mamaw did not like all the noise. Mamaw partly jokingly said to the waitress to turn down the music, and Mamaw asked her if she minded it. The waitress answered that she sometimes minds it. So, my class starts on July 8. I will have to get my books for the course this week sometime, and I hope that I will not have to read too much. I watched the final of the World Cup game with Germany and Brazil, and Brazil won the game 2-0. At Wimbledon almost all of the seeds have been knocked out. I went exercising just as dusk was coming on. On the River Trail there was a person who was throwing up and swearing though I do not know why, and there were also some people fishing there. I did not feel like going to Loomis to exercise tonight. I read some psalms in the Bible tonight for about fifty minutes. I want to write here for about forty minutes. I wonder if I will make it through summer school. Popee would be proud of me if I did get through this summer and then go on to Trinity College.

 

I am glad that I saw the World Cup today, as there was some great soccer played. I kind of was rooting for Brazil. I would have liked to see ideally a final between the United States and Italy, for I am part of both in nationality. Soccer is so big in Europe and in South America. I miss Sicily. I also miss piano lessons and Trinity College. I wonder what Mamaw is doing now. I think that my parents are watching television though I hope that they are reading. I wonder what my parents are reading. I am still chugging along with Schopenhauer, some of which I read last night. I think that I read about fifty minutes of Schopenhauer last night, and then last night also I read about thirty-nine minutes of the Bible, finishing the Second Epistle of Paul to the Corinthians. I think that I also exercised last night for about a half hour.

Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house. Mamaw mentioned how they had bought the house so long ago for fifteen thousand dollars, while the houses in West Hartford at that time were about double that. I wonder if Mamaw is going to move. My mom mentioned the Stealth Bomber that I saw at Loomis when I was a kid, and Mamaw did not seem too impressed by this. I still remember this quite vividly, though, and it was one of my great memories of all of my childhood. I had a lot of good memories, but things got worse from childhood on. I am kind of hungry right now. After getting home from the restaurant, my stomach ached from the pizza.

I did like the salad, which was about four dollars. I split a pizza with my mom, and she had eggplant on her pizza. After I write this entry, I will probably rest some and then get something light to eat before going to bed. I feel a sense of accomplishment tonight because I will not have watched any television tonight. My sister got home from New York today. She was too tired to go to the restaurant tonight. I wonder what the kids will be like at the University of Hartford. I hope that they will at least be pretty nice people. I am curious as to how much reading will be fit in to the about five-week course. I will bet that a lot of reading will be fit in there. James Bozzuto mentioned that the course might be easy and that I might read like The Grapes of Wrath, and I said that I hoped that I did not read this. I do not agree with him that it will be easy, though, for I bet that the course will be pretty difficult. I doubt that the material per se will be difficult, but the amount of reading will probably be a lot. Otherwise, academically the course will be easy. Well, I suppose that it is obvious that if the course is not difficult, it will be easy. I have never seen the movie Easy Rider, which is so famous, and I wonder who stars in that movie. This paragraph is a long one.

So, I am glad that I went to the restaurant with my family tonight though my sister was at home. I hope that my sister liked New York. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I am glad that I wrote here tonight even though I did not get to Schopenhauer today. The Psalms strengthen my belief in God. Tomorrow I might stay in since I have been out a lot lately. I want to go to the University of

 

Hartford on Tuesday with my dad to get my stuff that I need there. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Monday, July 1 2002

 

I was just recently resting in my room. I cannot believe that it is already July. The time flies so quickly. Right now it is quite hot outside. Today I read “Schopenhauer for about an hour,” which rhymes. Today I thought about going to the university, but I decided not to. I want to go there tomorrow, for I need to get my books. I hope that I will be able to get up all right for class at nine in the morning. My dad is in a bad mood today though heavens knows why. I am wearing blue shorts for a change, as I had been wearing khaki shorts a lot. I have a slight headache, and I am kind of cold in this room. I feel kind of tired, for my mind keeps wandering places. While I was writing this, I was trying to figure out what to do today. This caused me to pause writing, for I was thinking about what to do today. I cannot believe how cold it is in my room as compared to outside. I am glad that I am not in the mental hospital. I feel pretty well though. I am glad that I am doing my duty by writing here.

I miss Popee. Tomorrow is the day to go to the university. I recently saw a kid serve with a lot of power on the Loomis courts though his technique was not too good really. My dad cannot connect to the Internet now I guess because of something to do with not having a password. Although there was a password, somehow it got deleted, and he did not remember what the password was. The discussion in Schopenhauer, which was about architecture, was kind of boring today though it was decent. I think that he digresses too much when he talks about architecture and sculpture. Boy, it is cool in here and is almost downright cold. That one of my sister’s friends was over today might partly be why my dad was so mad. They did not bother me, and I think that the person over was Laura.

I wonder what there is to do today, and I guess that I could read some more, take a walk, drive for practice, or combine these in different combinations. I do not know what I want to do yet. Tomorrow I have to go to the university, and I wonder when I will go there. I wonder if the class will be hard or easy, how the teacher will be, and if the students will be nice. Just walking up the stairs on this medicine makes my legs tired. I hope that I can make it to summer school all right. I want to be on my own and not t0 count on my parents to drive me places. I want to make friendships that are all my own, and maybe I will even get the opportunity to talk on the phone some this summer.

I still do not get the phone, and Mamaw thinks that I should eventually work on that. I guess that someone came to cut the lawn today, as it looks like it has been mowed recently, and I heard some loud noises earlier. So, maybe tomorrow will be a first step towards returning to Trinity College. I hope that I get to exercise today. Therefore, I hope that it gets a lot cooler tonight. Right now

 

I will bet that one can fry bacon on the porch or kill ants with a magnifying glass. Well, those are bad images not worthy of being in this journal entry.

I have got to conclude this entry, for my time is about up. I will have write for about a half hour today. I do not have the strength to write for a full hour today. I hope that my dad is not in a bad mood tomorrow, for that would be deadly. I wonder what I will do today. I got up late today at around eleven o’ clock, but last night I think that I went to bed at around eleven o’ clock. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, July 2 2002

 

I just recently had dinner. Right now it is very hot out, and tomorrow is supposed to be even hotter. I went to the University of Hartford today as planned, and I went with my dad. When all is said and done, I got a parking sticker and my textbook. The place is not as big as I thought that it would be. At the office for graduate services was a lady who asked me how I liked Loomis, for she saw my dad’s hat that, I guess, said Loomis somewhere on it. I said that I had graduated from there. Then my dad said that I was at Trinity College. Then the lady asked how I liked Trinity College, and I said “Good.” I went to the bookstore to get the book for the class. Today was really hot, and I was sweating from the high heat.

There were a lot of kids on the campus, as I guess that there are some camps going on there. The person who helped me at the bookstore was kind of short with her words, and she wore a pink shirt. A lady, sitting down, just seemed to be staring at me. Their jobs must be kind of boring in the summer. I wonder if they were friends. The worst part of my day was the morning, which was awful because I slept so late. I just was so tired this morning that I could not sit up straight. Added to that, I somehow strained my back in my sleep; however my back is all right now, as it was only a temporary thing, I guess.

I have not exercised per se today though I walked a lot at the university. I feel pretty comfortable with the drive there, and I will have to drive there tomorrow, unfortunately, for I have to get my identification card.

I cannot believe that I have to go all the way out there to get my identification card. The person in the identification card office was kind of short with her words too, as she told me that I had to bring that piece of paper with the course name on it. So, now I have to go to the university tomorrow. I read the Bible for about fifty minutes today. I was reading about what Paul told the saints in various locations, and I was reading from the New Testament. I wish that I had not gotten up so late today. It was a travesty really. I got up way too late. I was so tired that I had to lie down though I have a hard time making up my mind as to whether to take the medicine earlier in the day. I keep coming to the conclusion that I should stick with the schedule that I have kept for a while now.

 

I wish that it were not so hot out though thankfully my air conditioner has been quiet unlike some other days. I want to exercise tonight, and maybe I will exercise a bit after I finish this entry. I want to write today for about an hour. I could not get pumped up enough to read Schopenhauer for some reason maybe because I felt kind of lethargic or tired. I probably felt too tired. I am wearing my new New Balance shoes right now and, the reader guessed it, khaki shorts. I wonder how smart the kids at the university are. The book that I got today is huge, and I wonder how much reading will be assigned in it. I am looking forward to returning to Trinity College, and I hope that I can make it at the university. I felt terrible this morning, and I was so tired from the medicine. I hate the feeling of getting up so late. My dad drove me to the university. He wants to drive tomorrow too, but I want to go on my own there. I am looking forward to exercising tonight.

I hope that it will not be too hot to exercise tonight. I think that I will try writing for about forty minutes tonight, for I do not have too much to talk about; talking for an hour is a long time. The campus at the university is quite big, and the buildings need some help. I hate berating a place, for the soul of the student body makes up a place really. So, I will see how the student body is. There were some people around in the bookstore, and I think that they were college kids. I saw a lot of young kids who were probably in elementary school, and they seemed happy enough. I do like the Bible, but I hope that it does not give me any big ideas. So, tomorrow I will have to drive to the university to see the attractive yet short-with-words young woman. In the art center there was some seminar or something, as these people were congregated in this room. I felt as if I were in a room full of demons. They all seemed so intent on learning, yet they would forsake their individuality for it. This was my initial impression of those people in that room. I hope that I do have all I need to park on campus now and that I am not missing anything.

So, now I have to write my conclusion. I am glad that I wrote here tonight even though I did not write for a full hour. I am coming to like the Bible though I must not let it influence me too much. I hope that it has cooled down outside now, for I want to exercise tonight. Well, I am glad that I went to the university today even though I did not get all that I need to start school there. I have got to go now, and I will have written for about forty minutes. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, July 3 2002

 

I just recently ate dinner. Right now it is extremely hot out, as I am in the middle of a heatwave. I hope that tomorrow it will not be as hot. I went to The Beanery today. When I was in line, the guy there asked for the next party, which I thought was the next group of people who had ordered on the phone. I guess that he meant, however, the next person in line. He asked me if I was with the group of three people in front of me, and I said that I was not, whereupon he got

 

kind of testy and asked me what I wanted. Then I ordered an eggplant parmesan.

The sandwich was good, and the guy tried to be nice by calling me sir. So, he kind of made up for his conduct before. There was an attractive young woman behind the counter though I did not like her personality much, as she seemed kind of competitive and shallow. The other young woman working there seemed kind of nice even though she accidentally brought me the wrong sandwich, yet a different woman brought me the eggplant parmesan in the characteristic white container. She was the woman who had said “Hello” to me before when I saw her jogging on the River Trail. She has a lot of bubbly energy. So, I went to The Beanery today. Also, I read Schopenhauer for about fifty minutes, and I read the Bible for about an hour and two minutes. In the Bible I have been reading Paul’s epistles to the faithful and to the saints of various peoples. The epistles are pretty short, but they are full of important wisdom.

Schopenhauer went well today although some of what I read today was kind of boring. Schopenhauer did not know too much about literature, for he mentioned only two books (Don Quixote and Gulliver’s Travels) that he knew from literature.  I liked Don Quixote, but I disliked Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels.

Today is the prime day in the heatwave, and temperatures are probably in the nineties. It seems that I have not watched the news in a long time. I have been concentrating on returning to college. I did not get my identification card today, for last night I decided that I would try to get it after class on Monday. I will use an old notebook of mine for the first class at least. For dinner tonight I had some salmon, raspberries, orange juice, corn, and strawberries, all of which I am very glad to have. The Bible is teaching me to respect my peers, God, and my family more.

I have been having a difficult time today thinking about what I will do tonight. The only exercise today was a short walk that I went on for about ten minutes though this movement helped me to get through the afternoon. In other entries I separated after and noon because I was paranoid about there not being a word afternoon though I was about ninety-nine percent sure there was, obviously, such a word. Last night a fuse blew in part of the house, and my dad fixed that easily enough. I wonder what happens when a fuse blows, and I should probably know what happens though I do not. I know that when appliances or whatever use up too much power, a fuse is blown.

Schopenhauer talks of Homer, and of how Homer uses adjectives a lot with the nouns though now I cannot remember what Schopenhauer exactly said about what Homer accomplished in doing this. So, I did not go to the university today. I hope that I get in class all right on Monday. I cannot believe that class starts on Monday, and I hope that I like the class all right. I am taking Introduction to Literature, and I wonder how easy the class will be. I want to talk a lot to people about my experiences and about them, but this will to talk does not manifest itself in me socially, it seems: for until now I have been so shy

 

around people though I want to be nice to them and to tell them a lot. I talk a lot with the psychiatrist, but this is because I have to.

I just cannot seem to open myself up to my peers with the zeal that Mamaw does, for example, and this is something that I admire in her. Now I have to write my conclusion. I wish that it was not so hot out today so that I could go just out of my room and feel comfortable out of my room. Since my room has air conditioning in it, I have been spending most of my time today in my room. This week I did not have an appointment with the psychiatrist because he is on vacation. My next appointment is on Tuesday of next week. Classes are Monday and Wednesday of next week, and I just hope that I am not too tired to drive at these times or in class. Now I have got to go, and I will have written for about a half hour today. Bye bye.

 

Friday, July 5 2002

 

I just recently got home from a walk. Right now it is pretty hot out though not scorching hot. I walked for about a half hour at Loomis. I was not too hot today, so I enjoyed my walk. I passed by some people there. I passed by a young woman who tripped on a rug, and she said to watch out for that rug. I saw her on the quadrangle. I read the Bible some today for about an hour, and there was some tough reading in there. Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house.

Mamaw said that I should not think of the class as being easy, like the psychiatrist said, or hard, like I said. She thought that it would be a stepping stone to Trinity College.

Last night I read the Bible for about fifty minutes, and I read Schopenhauer for about forty minutes. Also, before I went to bed I read some of Psalms for about ten minutes. The heatwave seems to be over. I think that my mom’s birthday is tomorrow, and to celebrate I want to go to the Saybrook Fish House, which is in Canton. This is what my family seems to want to do, so I will probably go along with it. I have not been watching much television lately. I have been focusing on going to the university. Classes start Monday, July 8. I feel kind of depressed today, or maybe I do not though I do not feel like doing much.

I think that I saw Ron Wood at Loomis today, and he looked pretty old. Things go by so fast. Loomis looked nice today though there were not many people there. I cannot believe how late I got up today; it is pitiful, and I have got to try to get up earlier. I just am so tired by that medicine that I find it hard to function in the morning, for literally almost the entire morning. I am curious as to whether I will be able to handle the workload for the class this summer. I am also curious, I guess, as to whether I will be able to get up early enough for class. Since class is only twice a week, I might be able to make it there.

I told Mamaw that the university was kind of nice, and she said that they have landscaped it well. Mamaw asked me to look in the bookcase for her old literature book. I found an old edition from the 1940s of Who’s Who Among

 

Students in American Colleges, and Mamaw was in there. I praised her for being president of the student body. Mamaw’s name was under Mary Nixon. She was also part of a Greek society and part of a chemistry thing, among other things.

Mamaw was humble when I told her. I am happy that she was president of the student body, though, as I think that that is a good thing. Now I have to write my conclusion. I am glad that I got in about a half-hour walk today around Loomis no less.

In a way though I like walking on the old River Trail, for on the trail I can see trees and the Farmington River. At Loomis, I have to walk past speed bumps and cars. Still, being on the actual campus is a nice thing as the architecture is something that Schopenhauer would be proud of, and it is so serene there.

There are American flags up around campus I guess to show support for the United States in its war on terrorism. Anyway, I am glad that I wrote today. I have got to go now, and I will have written for about a half hour here today. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, July 6 2002

 

I got up really late this morning, and I cannot seem to get up right these days. I was just recently reading the Bible. I am having second thoughts about going to the university though I really should at least try to go there. I just do not want to have my parents dish out money. It is ridiculous that I got up at around eleven-thirty today. The Bible is going well, and I am reading Revelation in the New Testament. I also read some epistles. I just do not know if I will make it to class this summer, for the class meets so early. I do not know what to do. I really want to go to class, but I cannot do anything if I cannot get up. It might help if I could take my medicine at a different time though I do not want to for fear that it would interrupt my getting to sleep; however, it might not interfere with it.

Today is not too hot out though it is still hot out.

Mamaw is coming over today for dinner to celebrate my mom’s birthday, and I think that the family is having a good fish dinner. I feel depressed today, for I slept so late. By the time that I got up it was already almost the afternoon. Revelation is about the vision that John sees in heaven. God is surrounded by seven lamps, and he holds seven stars in his hands. I think that the seven lamps stand for the seven churches and that the seven stars count for the seven saints of the churches. There is a lot of imagery in Revelation. The Bible tells of Judgment Day when the angels open the seven seals and rain destruction on the earth in various ways. In the epistles I read there was talk of the wicked Antichrists who have popped up, and they do not believe in Jesus Christ and preach evil. The Bible can be a very influential book, for it is full of symbolism and vivid imagery that can even be scary at times. Last night I drove for about twenty minutes towards Bloomfield in my mom’s Honda Civic, which is an all- right car to drive.

 

I think that Mamaw will be coming over today at around dinnertime. I do not know if I can make it to the University of Hartford this summer or, more specifically, this Monday. I will probably fall asleep in class if I go. Last night I read Schopenhauer for about fifty-five minutes. This final part in the book is really fine writing. Schopenhauer talks about how there is only a now and never the past or the future, and his discussion was captivating and full of the genius that he talks so often about in men. I know that Popee would want me to return to college, so I must make every effort that I can to return there.

I got a bill from Trinity College yesterday for about fifteen thousand dollars. I hope that the family does not have to pay any money if I decide not to go there. I cannot believe how late I got up today. The entire morning is gone, and it is a hard way to start the day by the time that I take a shower. Every time the phone rings I shudder inside. I just am so morbid about having to interrupt what it is that I am doing to get on the phone. I wonder what there will be for dinner to celebrate my mom’s birthday, and if Mamaw will bring anything over.

I am looking forward to exercising today. I am so afraid that I will fall back into my old pattern of reading for an hour, exercising for a half hour, and then writing for a half hour. I cannot get anything profound accomplished with that schedule. I wonder who is contending for Wimbledon this year on the men’s and women’s side since I have not been watching much television. Yesterday when I was driving, I went out for about twenty minutes, and when I turned around, I went down a street with some people on it. There was a man standing up and talking to another person in a car. There was also a group of kids standing around and talking to each other. Also, a woman with a paper in her hand was seemingly trying to fan herself with the paper in the heat. When I turned around and went by the man, he looked at me as if I were something interesting.

I hope that I make it to the university this summer. I have got to stay sane and in reality for as long as possible, and I have got to try not to relapse into a paranoid and partially psychotic mess. I do not want to become this mess. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I will have written for about a half hour today. I do like reading the Bible, for it comforts me. Anyway, dinner will be here soon, as it is about three o’ clock. I wonder when Mamaw will be here. I am wearing blue J. Crew shorts and a beige Burberry shirt. Now I am off, fair reader. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, July 7 2002

 

I was just recently reading. This morning I got up at around eleven-thirty, which is a travesty. I read Schopenhauer for about fifty-seven minutes today, and his discussion was below what he usually discusses. I have not exercised yet today, so I am kind of depressed. Tomorrow at the university I have my class, which I hope that I go to. Although I read some of Revelation today, I did not time it right, so I was not sure how long I read for. I am guessing that I read the

 

Bible for about a half hour. I do like Revelation though I am not certain what the second death or the second resurrection are. I finished Revelation today.

So here I am writing earlier than I had planned, but this might mess up my night some. I cannot believe that I got up at eleven-thirty today. I remember distinctly thinking or saying out loud to forget school. I doubt if I will make it to class tomorrow, yet I should not doubt this, as I will try with all my power to make it there. Yesterday I celebrated my mom’s birthday, and Mamaw came over. I wished my mom a happy birthday, and later I said that she looked in her thirties. I think that my mom turned fifty-two yesterday. There are a lot of y’s in the past few sentences.

Ann and Carol are coming up this month to celebrate Mamaw’s birthday. I am glad to have read Schopenhauer today, as yesterday I only read a paragraph. I have been in my room pretty much the entire day, and I remember my old psychiatrist asking me what my parents thought about me being in my room all day. Well, I do not mind it, and I hopefully will get some exercise tonight. My old psychiatrist was Thomas Hill. My mom got a CD player for her car from dad, and I signed the birthday card Jonathan. I did not sign it Jon, for Jonathan is my real name. I like to be called Jonathan.

In Revelation there was a lot of talk of the devil, who took the form of a red dragon. Also, there was a harlot, in finery, who represented the decadent city of Babylon, I think. Right now it is kind of hot out, and I have my air conditioner on. In the Bible, God is represented as He who was and is and is to come. On the other hand, Schopenhauer would see God as only existing in the present since Schopenhauer does not believe that the ideas are in the past, in the future, or even temporal but that there is an eternal now. He does not think that a man’s character can change in his life, but I believe that my intrinsic character that I picked up at birth was transformed as soon as I took that Risperdal.

Antipsychotic drugs altered my intrinsic character and my genes so that my personality was degraded through constant purging due to sedation of my individuality. I want to go to the class tomorrow, and I hope that I find the strength to do this. I am looking forward to exercising tonight on the River Trail. I wonder if I will make it tomorrow to class. I wonder if I ever will finish the Schopenhauer book, and I think that I am almost on page three hundred.

I am looking forward to Ann and Carol coming to Hartford. I must use all my powers to go to the university tomorrow. My position being here at home without college is that I am smart and dumb. I am smart to be able to read Schopenhauer, but I am dumb because I do not do as much reading as I would desire. Dinner is coming up soon. Yesterday for my mom’s birthday, I had a really delicious fish dinner of flounder and shrimp that was fresh from the fish market in Wethersfield. It is good for me that I have not been watching much television lately. I have got to try to get to the university tomorrow.

If I do finish Schopenhauer’s first volume of The World As Will and Representation, I would be very happy. I want to finish the Schopenhauer book, as

 

a happy moment was finishing The Philosophy of History by Hegel. Anyway, now I have got to write my conclusion. I have got to try to get to the university tomorrow, and if I do, it will give me fuel for my journal entries. I am sure that the reader gets bored of me talking about the same things. Yet Schopenhauer would not mind me staying home because he thinks that negation of the will into a state of resignation and of where one does not constantly desire things is beneficial to a man. I am looking forward to exercising tonight. Yesterday Mamaw said that she is reading Corinthians and a commentary on it. Well, now I have to go, and I hope that I will write tomorrow. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Monday, July 8 2002

 

Well, I did not go to school. I was having second thoughts about going to school yesterday, and this caused a lot of stress. So, I am not going to the University of Hartford this summer. My dad got a full refund from the class. So, my parents ended up paying about sixty-six dollars for the textbook, and that is all that they had to pay. Yet the emotional toll this quitting took really is tough on me, and my confidence is shattered. I doubt if I will be able to return to Trinity College. So, my life might revert back to the normal pattern, and the psychosis creeps in as I speak. Yet my previous life is not so bad, as I am healthy for the most part and out of the hospital. Today I went on a walk for about a half hour. I have not gotten to read yet.

I listened to some orchestral suites by Henry Purcell from The Prophetess and The Faerie Queene today. Last night I listened to Goldberg Variations by Bach. I spelled Bach as Back accidentally before, when my fingers went off key on the keyboard. Also, last night I listened to Anne-Sophie Mutter play some Prokofiev and Respighi on her violin. The Purcell CD is mine, but the other CDs that I mentioned are my dad’s. I have an ambiguous feeling right now. I feel bad about not going to class, but in a way a weight is lifted off of my mind. Yet overall I feel terrible about not going to school this summer, for that bodes badly for going to Trinity College.

Today is a beautiful day, and it is really nice weather. I was not too hot on my walk today. I passed a young mother, with her two baby children, who said “Hello” to me. I said “Hello” back. A man jogged past me, and I think that I felt some longing to run too. Yet the best that I can do basically is to walk in place of running. I can still run, but only in short intervals. I like the Prokofiev piece more than the Respighi piece on the Mutter CD. I hope that I did not disappoint Mamaw too much by not going to college. Tomorrow I have that psychiatrist appointment with James Bozzuto, who was on vacation last week. Today is a day when I am resting and not doing too much, for I have done a lot of things while I was all ready to go to the university. I went out for dinner, went to Mamaw and Popee’s often, and read and wrote a lot. The only thing that I did not do more of was exercising.

 

I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight. Last night there were ribs, and the family ate in the dining room because the kitchen was too hot, according to my mom at least. This Friday my mom is getting her CD player put in her Suzuki Esteem. The CD player is a JVC, which is a pretty nice brand. My mom’s car is blue. Right now I am writing at about two-thirty. I got up at a decent time today. I think that I got up at around ten o’ clock, and I have had, therefore, a much better day because of getting up at that decent time. Mamaw’s birthday will be here soon, and so will Carol and Ann.

My sister asked me if I wanted to play tennis today or tomorrow, and I said that I would think about it. My obsessions are coming back to me ever since last night, when I was sure that I would not return to school today. I woke up today in time to go to school, and my mom was trying to get me to go. She thought that I should go, and she really tried to get me to go. Yet I was obstinate and incorrigible. Really, though, I was just so stressed whenever I tried to tell myself to go. I simply could not keep the thought of going in my mind before thoughts of staying would invade me. The thoughts of going were accompanied by an uncalled for stress and a rage of thoughts telling me to stay home. Well, I hope that I will eventually finish the Schopenhauer book, as that would improve my confidence.

Right now Schopenhauer is talking about character. I want to read Schopenhauer today. Dinner is fast approaching, and now I have to write my conclusion. I am glad that I wrote today, as it cheers me up some. I am glad that I got the chance to walk around Loomis some these past several weeks to see my old school, and I just wish that I could have gone to the university today. I just do not know what I will do now. Well, at least I get checks of about three hundred and fifty dollars each month from the Treasury to pay my parents for whatever they buy me. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, July 9 2002

 

I feel awful. I decided not to go to the psychiatrist appointment today, which was too bad. I am falling back into psychosis. The lure of the psychosis is strong, and it wants to trap me in its net. I think that it was good to cancel my appointment today, but the lure of the psychosis is on me. The psychosis wants me to see others and myself in a certain way, namely, that I am good, that most other people are evil, that Popee was neutral good, that I am good, that Mamaw is neutral, and that my sister and parents are evil. Even if I do not give in to this particular psychosis, there is another one creeping under the surface, namely, that if I do not give into the good, I will be, therefore neutral good like Popee. So, even if I do not give in to the first psychosis, there is another one lurking, yet beyond these two there is sanity. I am constantly trying recently to keep sane.

Yesterday the first and then the second psychosis laid hands on me, yet I managed to keep my cool and renounce them both, when I read Schopenhauer

 

for about fifty minutes last night. So, I have a lot of trouble to deal with. I want to visit Mamaw tonight, and I think that that would help. I would like to see the psychiatrist next week if it is at all possible. Today I was depressed, and I could not do much. Yet it is still early; the day is young. I really hope that I do not get psychotic these tough days. It is crazy that it is almost easier to give in to the partial psychosis than to fight it. For lunch today I had a piece of bread with strawberry jelly, a cup of soy milk, and a blueberry Stonyfield Farm yogurt.

Today is a beautiful day, but I was too scared of the heat to take a walk earlier. Like I mentioned before, I would like to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tonight.

Schopenhauer is so deep that it is hard to read him for too long or else I would go crazy. His insights into how nature works are amazing and border on being almost psychotic. I will bet that Schopenhauer was partially mad. This psychosis that wants to tear me apart is always trying to take control of me. It always is trying to control my actions and deeds. When I fought it this morning, I got almost too still, not doing much but just sitting in my bed thinking about what to do for a while. I finally decided to just go downstairs and eat lunch even though it was a bit early.

I was not too hungry, but I ate my lunch. I wonder what Mamaw is doing today. My sister asked me if I wanted to play tennis or to watch a movie today, and I said that I did not want to play tennis today. I wonder if the psychiatrist will call today, and I kind of hope that he calls at the end of the week so that I can have an appointment for next week. It is so hard to fight my psychosis, for I have to admit that it is hard being sane and that it is, moreover, very difficult to realize that I am not in college this summer. I failed at going to the university, but I do not think that this was my fault. I tried so hard to go, and I even got signed up and got my textbook. I went on campus with my dad, and I went to sign up.

Apparently, my mom could not find her keys today so that she could not take the new blue Suzuki.

I hope that my mom will still want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tonight. I read some of Isaiah in the Bible yesterday, but when the talk got to the war between the royalty of different countries, I got lost. This portion of the Bible is so difficult. I can understand the abstract concepts of doing good that the Bible advocates, but the historical significance and understanding of Isaiah is beyond me. Yesterday I used the three-hole punch to punch holes in the remaining sheets of paper that needed to be punched. Although I was thinking yesterday about going to Arthur’s Drug Store to get a new binder, it was around nine o’ clock in the evening, and I decided not to go. I hope that I will be able to exercise today.

The day is beautiful out, like I mentioned. Schopenhauer is a mad genius; he is kind of like a mad scientist. I wonder how he could guess so much. He should stick with philosophy, though, for his discussions on literature and music seemed to be his weak points. Still, the book is strong. I am glad that I got to write today, for today has been so chaotic. I wonder if there will be many people

 

on the River Trail today. I am wearing a long-sleeved button-down Izod shirt, which looks nice with my blue J. Crew shorts. Last night I had some absolutely fabulous dreams, which remind me of how it is like being off of medicine.

Therefore, they are a whole different world for me.

Well, I now should write my conclusion. I wonder if the psychiatrist will call soon. I want to get to Mamaw and Popee’s house tonight. I hope that I will be able to see the psychiatrist next week though. I hope that the reader is doing all right today. I hope that the reader is healthy and that he or she learns something about the nature of this terrible disease called schizophrenia by reading what I write, thus listening to what I have to say. Now I am off though. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, July 10 2002

 

I just recently got home from a nice bike ride, and I was out for about twenty-seven minutes. I saw some people on my bike ride. I saw Mrs. Simon on the River Trail, and I asked how she was. She asked how I was at the same time, and I said “Good.” I got up today at around ten-fifty. I read the Bible today for about an hour, and I finished Psalms and started Proverbs. Last night I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I had some good dreams last night. I dreamt that I was a marine in the marine corps. There was a big tub in the center of the cleaning room, and already a few marines were in the tub. I had to get in the extremely hot water, but I hesitated, fearing the heat. A marine scooped off something beige that looked like wax, and the wax was in a cylinder shape. This went on the bottom of the tub to help get the body ready for intense physical exertion.

I think that after this bath, which was required and which I think everyone had on like a wetsuit for, everyone was going out for rowing practice. As the Greeks oiled their skin, so the marines did in the present day in my dream. I had my own spirit in a marine body, and I could not seem to hack it too well. I went in the tub, but my feet were not on the bottom of the tub as they were supposed to be, so a nice marine next to me admonished me to do it the right way. He seemed to know that this was me in the spirit of a marine. I not only was a marine, but I was a French marine, which made it all the more esteemed. I had my own neat and modern room with all kinds of dignified furniture and plaques. I had earned a spot on the healthy French marines.

Then my soul went into a teenager who was good at soccer and who was getting ready for a game. I was excited in this new body for the upcoming games, but I did not do too well in this body for some reason. I felt my soul fading out of the body, and I was sad about this. I went into a worse body of a boy who was about twelve years old and who had a serious illness. I was afraid in this body, for I did not want to feel the pain of the body. I found myself in a room with experts, and they were trying to solve the riddle of how to cure the boy whom I

 

was in. I read the material presented so well that I was rewarded, and I do not think that I stayed in that body for too long. This dream was a pretty good one because I got to be a French marine. Most of my dreams are good because I am in a different world without my illness, but I am not complaining of my illness.

I had a good bike ride today. Now I have an obsession, though, telling me that I was not riding long enough. If I had ridden three more minutes, then I would have been in good shape, but I did not ride for enough, so my obsessions say. The Bible is going well, and I like Proverbs so far. Ann is coming up on Wednesday, I guess. I am not sure exactly when Mamaw’s birthday is, but it is surely this month. I am still struggling to stay sane, if at all possible. I am trying hard, and I just hope that I do not get psychotic trying. Last night fish was for dinner. The day is so nice out. I am glad that I went on a bike ride though for the entire ride I was kind of concerned, probably unduly, about my laces getting caught up in the crank. My mom found her lost keys last night, and she was really happy about that.

When I was at Mamaw and Popee’s last night, I was on the porch when it was raining and thundering. I helped Mamaw change the door into a screen door, and I when I went down to the basement to put the glass door in storage, I saw the ping-pong table. This was a sight that figuratively sent shivers down my spine, for it had been empty for too long. Popee was not there. I had not played ping-pong for such a long time, for Popee is dead. I felt his good presence down there though. I was chilled to the bone in the basement, and then I immediately felt a pang of sadness. I talked to Mamaw some last night.

Now I should write my conclusion. Today really is a beautiful day, one in which Popee would have played tennis. My dad played tennis recently with some of his friends, I think. My mom takes the Suzuki to work every day, I think. I have not driven the Suzuki yet though I wish that it were a red convertible Ferrari. I hope that the reader is all right. I must not forget about the reader, and I especially must not forget about God. I read a lot about God in the Bible, and I look to follow in His paths. Well, now is about time to go. I hope that I will read about an hour of Schopenhauer tonight. Last night I listened to Bach’s Goldberg Variations. Now I have got to go. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, July 11 2002

 

I just recently got home from exercising. I had a crazy time exercising today, for there was construction going on everywhere thus obstacles seemed to riddle my path. When I went to go to the River Trail, I found that the road there was blocked off because of construction, so I went down Broad Street towards Loomis. On the road a train came by right as I was near the tracks. Also, I noticed that there was a lot of construction at Loomis on the road, so I decided not to go there. Unfortunately, right now I can hear the construction going on outside on the road. So, my walk was riddled with obstacles. That said, it was a

 

beautiful day today, and I did not mind the sights. I saw some kids playing inline hockey on a street. I guess that when a car comes, like in the movie Big, they move the goal, which was in this case a couple of hockey gloves. I walked down Remington Avenue some and turned around where a man was washing his car. I saw a cat on the house at the corner, and it looked at me with those serene eyes that cats have.

I read Schopenhauer today for about an hour though I did not understand some of it relating to property (in other words, what property, such as land, one can claim as one’s own,). I think that Schopenhauer is on to something when he says that doing a wrong to another person is denying another person’s affirmation of will. One does wrong when one passes over one’s own boundary and denies another’s will. I can see how this might happen. If one does wrong, he does not mind his own business, but has to tamper with the business of another in a negative way. Therefore, to defend himself against this attack, a person is able to deny this denial and to fight back; Schopenhauer says that this is right.

There is nothing wrong with defending himself or herself, as the case may be, against this attack. I cannot believe that I ran into so much blocking my path today for exercising. As I was jogging towards the River Trail, a man was putting up a sign that blocked that road. I think that the name of the road is Batchelder Road, and this is obviously the road that leads down to Loomis. On the only other road that leads to Loomis, a train came by, and I noticed construction going on down the road. So, I was turned back from both roads. I wore my nice white New Balance shoes.

Last night Mamaw came over for dinner, and she brought with her some chips and ice cream. I kind of was disappointed that I did not get to read Schopenhauer yesterday, so I guess that my disposition was not too good at the table. The worst part was, and I felt guilty about this, that I did not say goodbye in plain sight so that she might not have known if I had said goodbye to her. This is significant because I did not say goodbye to her last time; however, she could have said goodbye too, but did not though there was no ill will involved in these things. Anyway, also last night I went to the bookstore. I went to Borders in Manchester, as I just checked on the receipt. I got four CDs. I got two Mozart CDs, a Prokofiev CD, and a Brahms CD. This morning my sister asked me what CDs I got, and I replied “classical.”

She then said that there were a lot of classical CDs, and I said that I got Brahms and Mozart. At the bookstore last night, I knew that my medicine was wearing off because I felt excess elation and intense anxiety at the same time, thus indicating that my medicine was wearing off. Mamaw talked about, and these are her words and not mine, the white trash in some area near where she lived as a child. She said that these white trash would walk in the grocery store with bare feet. This is Mamaw’s worst side, which I am glad is not in predominance. My dad was furious is the best way to describe it at his state of

 

finances at the table yesterday, for there showed an eighteen-thousand-dollar pull from their bank account.

My family thinks that that is no way right because they think that they did not pull that amount out of the bank. My dad was fuming, and his face contorted with rage. The sounds of the construction have died down as I am writing this. I was annoyed this morning though that I could not sleep until around ten-thirty because of the noise outside. I know that I got up before ten-thirty, and I probably got up at around ten o’ clock. Now I have got to write my conclusion.

Things are going smoothly and well these days, and I tend not to believe both of the brands, so to speak, of my psychosis. I am tending more towards health and happiness, but I know that nature is unpredictable always. I want to read the Bible tonight, and I might drive. I also want to watch a little bit of television since I have seen little lately. God is helping me through these tough times, and I recognize that. Maybe a cure for my schizophrenia will come soon. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Friday, July 12 2002

 

Recently, I finished dinner. I had some fish and plums. Today has been an unusual day in that there were some ups and downs. I went to The Beanery today and got a sandwich and a drink. More specifically, I got an eggplant parmesan sandwich and a Fresh Samantha lemonade. Also, today I read Schopenhauer for about an hour and then for about a half hour later, for a total of about an hour and a half. I went to The Beanery earlier because I could not get myself to read; I was having a reader’s block in which the mere thought of reading stressed me out.

My aunt Ann is coming here on Wednesday, I guess. Today I went on a walk, and in front of me on the path there was a really friendly dog, which had an obviously respectable master. The dog kept running forward and then turning its head around to look at me curiously, as it seemed. It is good news that I do not have much left of Schopenhauer as I found out today, and that is good news, as I need a change of pace from something so profound and deep. I do not think that I will read the long appendix, which is essentially an insulting of Kant’s philosophy. So, I am almost through with the Schopenhauer book.

I do not know what book I will read next, but there are some contenders out there surely. At the beginning of reading today, I had a hard time with Schopenhauer though I began understanding it first in bits and then more and more. At The Beanery were the usual suspects working there. There were two attractive what seemed like high school or college girls working there. I had seen them working there before though the girl that brought me my sandwich was new there to me. The man that took my order has been there since way back.

The day was and is beautiful out, and I had a nice walk. I wore my shoes, shorts, belt, and a T-shirt. My obsessions still are annoying me a lot, I guess. I drove to

 

The Beanery, which was an accomplishment for me. I think that my mom gets her CD player put in her car today. I am looking forward to finishing The World As Will and Representation though it will be only the first volume of it of two volumes.

I am wearing a Madison Trader button-down shirt that Mamaw and Popee gave to me, my Brooks Brothers brown belt, and some Tommy Hilfiger dark- khaki shorts, which have a small blotch on them from some fish that fell on them during dinner. Schopenhauer is very well read, and he seems to have read many important works by important men, such as Montaigne, Hobbes, Kant, Euripides, Plato, Seneca, Aristotle, and Homer. I do not even want to attempt to read the long Leviathan by Hobbes. I want to listen to some music tonight. Last night I listened to Goldberg Variations by Bach, the First Symphony of Prokofiev, and some of Prokofiev’s Fifth Symphony, when I got information overload. I had a lot of vivid dreams last night.

I dreamt that I was in a line of people who were to line up in whichever order they thought corresponded to what they were, whether they were good, neutral good, neutral, or neutral evil. There was only one good man on the planet, a bearded man on the far right of the rest of the people, where he belonged as being wonderful and pious. I thought that I was neutral good, so I had to line myself up accordingly. I knew that to the right of me would be Antichrists, who thought that they were better than they were. So, I had to account for these pretenders who were lined up at the right of me, and they were to be cast out because they thought too highly of themselves. So, I took the very conservative way to put myself in position, when I heard a good voice say out of the ether that I should go more to the right, as I was better than where I had put myself. So, someone was looking out for me, telling me that I should be in a place of honor.

As there was only one good man on the planet, accordingly there would be more but very few people who were neutral good. I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house on Sunday, not tomorrow. For some reason it is just too stressful to go tomorrow, for I had a lot of trouble remembering when I had started reading Schopenhauer, which led me to not want to go over tomorrow. Indeed, I never did remember exactly when I began reading Schopenhauer this first time that I read it, yet the second time that I read it I remembered the time that I started.

So, now I have got to write this conclusion. I am glad that I wrote today though it was a long time coming. Obviously, I am writing after dinner. I believe in God, and I want to keep with what makes Him happy and with His commandments. The Bible comforts me when I remember my troubles- more specifically, my troubles spring a lot from schizophrenia. The eggplant parmesan sandwich was not as good today as it usually is. Well, fair reader, I have got to go now. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, July 13 2002

 

 

I just finished eating a wonderful dinner. I went to McDonald’s today with my sister to get an ice-cream cone. I got a large vanilla cone, which was huge really. The guy who got me the cone and who took my order had a nice demeanor, and this is rare in fast-food restaurants that I have been in at least. I read the Bible and Schopenhauer for a total of about an hour and twenty-six minutes, so, when I finish this entry, I will have done academics today for about an hour and fifty-six minutes. I went on an unsuccessful walk in which I was extremely tired. This was one of those rare days that I had no energy to exercise, and I found myself hobbling along on the River Trail. I was so slow that I could not even do a loop, but was forced for relief to turn back and get home. I was out for about a half hour though. I ran for about the first five minutes, but then could run no more, as running was to no avail; I was too tired. I was not too tired to finish Proverbs though.

Schopenhauer went well, and I will be through with that very soon, hopefully. I am glad that I went to McDonald’s with my sister, for she had been asking me to do stuff a lot with her lately. So, I fulfilled her wish, and I also got to drive the Suzuki for the first time. My sister told me to watch out because it is powerful. She pointed out the dentist’s office, and she said that she needed a cleaning. She gave me the money for the ice-cream cone, but little did I know how much ice cream I would get. The cone started dripping in the car, and I got home just in time before it would have made a mess in the car. I did not go over to Mamaw and Popee’s house today, but I want to go tomorrow if Mamaw does not come over here. I have a psychiatrist appointment this Thursday, which I need to make because I have not seen James Bozzuto in a while.

I cannot wait until I finish reading Schopenhauer, for this will be for me a big accomplishment. Last night I listened to Prokofiev’s First and Fifth Symphonies, which was tough to listen to because I already knew the Fifth Symphony so well from a CD that I had taken out months ago and that contained the Fifth Symphony on it. This afternoon, I listened to the Goldberg Variations by Bach for the last time because I know it well now. I really like this piece of about thirty short piano pieces that resemble each other but that are so- called variations, I guess, of each other. I slept well last night although I got up at around four-thirty and then ate breakfast. I went back to bed all right though. I should be more formal, though, and say that I went back to sleep well.

I am wearing my New Balance shoes, some khaki Gap shorts, and a handsome jean shirt. I look like a president on his vacation home. I cannot wait, like I said, to finish Schopenhauer. Tonight I want to watch the news, and there is not much happening, which I guess is good news because most news is bad.

Schopenhauer talked about how some people recognize that others are part of the same web of nature that they are in. So, recognizing this, they care for other people’s welfare as much as or, in rare cases, more than their own welfare. By part of the same web of nature I mean that the person partakes in the ideas, in

 

Platonic terms, of nature, and he realizes that the other person is part of these just as much as he is. The person with this knowledge recognizes his own and the other person’s will to live, and equates them.

Schopenhauer mentioned before how some people follow the mere representations in life, and hold on to life sometimes so vehemently that they create not only much suffering for themselves but also for the others into whose sphere they go by denying this other person’s will and affirmation to live. I do like Schopenhauer’s writing though if what my dad had said is true, he had a short temper so that I might not like his character, to use a word that Schopenhauer often used. I hope that I see Mamaw tomorrow. I also hope that I sleep well tonight. I do not know why I got up so early this morning. I am getting to bed at around ten-thirty at night these days. I was sorely disappointed, I guess, that I could not walk well on the River Trail today, and my confidence received a tough blow from this.

I had a good dinner tonight of chicken, corn, and baked beans. I am pretty sure that my mom made the dinner. Now I have to write my conclusion as usual. I am still hoping for a cure to my schizophrenia though it seems a long ways off, and I just hate not being able to even walk. Well, I have a lot to be glad about though, and I hope that my good luck continues. I hope that the reader is staying with me, for a cure might come relatively soon. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Monday, July 15 2002

 

I feel tired from the medicine, and it seems like I always want to put my head down. I just recently got home from a bike ride, which was very enjoyable. I was out for about twenty-seven minutes on my bike. I finished Schopenhauer last night, and I am reading the Odyssey right now. The translator is subpar though; he spelled some proper names wrong. Still, most of the work is translated all right though the translator should not have made those terrible mistakes.

Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house. Mamaw asked me if I had thought about school, and I said that I had not thought about it much and that I had gotten discouraged about it since I did not go to summer school. I started off my bike ride slowly, but I picked up the pace at around halfway through. I almost got stopped at the train tracks, but I got by just in time before those gates came down. I should remember the phrase that one uses for the gates, I guess. I cannot believe that I actually finished Schopenhauer though his last paragraph was kind of pessimistic or depressing. He thought that the world through and through was nothing. He also talked about Kant’s double negative, which was so esoteric and difficult to follow.

I had a lot of vivid dreams last night as usual. I do not know if I want to mention them though because I can remember only parts of them. I have a psychiatrist appointment this Thursday. I read the Odyssey today for about an

 

hour. The day is lovely out really. Yes, so lovely. I am just kidding around. Yesterday Mamaw said that she liked the cloistered feel of Popee’s room, and she thought it was like a shrine. She thought that it was amazing how many books Popee had in his room, and I said that Popee had a lot of good books.

I went to the Gaumers’ yesterday with my mom and Mamaw, and I watered some of their plants. I put a whole lot of water in them. I watered the plants outside, but when Mamaw looked for their key in the shoe in a box on the porch, it was not there. So, Mamaw had to call someone, and my mom and Mamaw went later on to water the plants inside. I miss Popee a lot, and I wish that he still were here. Last night for dinner I had some trout, rice, and watermelon. I wonder where Popee is. I wonder if he is in heaven or if his existence is just snuffed out like that. I wonder if he was reincarnated as an animal. Who knows where Popee’s soul is now.

The good thing about Schopenhauer’s philosophy is that Schopenhauer thinks that everything is eternal. He thinks that Plato’s ideas are eternal and that nature is eternal, yet there is the view of the universe that says that there is a definite end to the universe. There is a theory compatible with the Big Bang Theory that says as the universe has expanded, so it will fall in upon itself and collapse, as they say. So, what happens to all the souls then? I do not see how souls can exist in a vacuum. Maybe the universe is eternal and will not collapse. Maybe there is another universe related to this universe that is to this universe as the representations are to the ideas. Maybe this universe I am talking about is heaven, and this is a very optimistic view of things. I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight.

Last night I read for about two hours, and I exercised for about a half hour.

Mamaw had been having some difficulty hooking up to the World Wide Web, but my mom helped her to understand the computer. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I wonder if I came up with something brilliant about this other universe. Maybe this is something that I wrote while in “the zone,” as Popee says. Maybe I was experiencing some flow when I wrote about that universe, which I might not have thought of had I not been reading Schopenhauer’s The World as Will and Representation. I have got to go now, though, as time is up. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, July 16 2002

 

I have been having a rough time, to say the least. I have been having quite a rough time. This is because this morning I could not get myself to read. I just could not read the Odyssey. I do not know what was wrong, but I could not read. So, in desperation I went outside, and I sat in the lawn chair for about fifty minutes, looking at the birds, trees, and bees. This provided some entertainment. Then I got assaulted by psychotic thoughts, which told me I could be good if I did so and so today. They told me that I could be good if I read

 

for an hour, exercised for a half an hour, wrote for a half an hour, and then watched television for pretty much the rest of the day and night.

I got taken in by these thoughts, which caused me to read some of the second volume of Schopenhauer. So, I started that book, but I want to concentrate on finishing the Odyssey. I have not even exercised today, and it is already about three o’ clock. I just could not exercise. Last night I listened to the First Symphony of Brahms, and during the day, I listened to Mozart’s Third and Fifth Violin Concertos. After Schopenhauer, I tried to finish Hegel to no avail, for my mind was all used up by Schopenhauer. I hope that I will be able to exercise and read tonight, but I might not since I was outside so long earlier. I will probably do some stuff tonight even though I might not get all of it done. I am surprised that I am even here writing, for my day has been awful. I thought about going to The Beanery, but I did not want to go because it was too close to my psychiatrist appointment and would put that appointment in jeopardy of me not going. Right now the skies are silver, and so it does not seem too sunny. The second volume of Schopenhauer is not as compelling as the first, and it might be somewhat more complicated. He talks about how the subject and matter are correlatives, either of which without each other would not exist.

I have trouble thinking of what to do to fill up the hours of the day.

Yesterday was a super day, but even then I had trouble deciding what in the world to do. Last night I just sat in bed for a while before listening to Brahms, who is a pretty good composer. Mamaw said that she liked Brahms, when I told her that I bought the CD. She said this when I was visiting on Sunday. I feel awful right now, for the day has been so difficult what with the psychotic thoughts and the exhaustion. I wonder if I grew like a plant from being outside for a while earlier. I got up today at around ten-thirty, which is the usual time to get up these days.

For breakfast I had Mueslix, and for lunch I had two pieces of Mamaw’s banana bread. I feel quite hungry right now. I want to go out for a jog. I wonder when Loomis begins, and how my dad feels about returning there. I wonder what will be for dinner tonight. My aunt Ann is coming to Hartford tomorrow, so I will probably see her this weekend. Today when I was thinking of something or anything to do, the thoughts that went through my mind were whether I should go on the Internet, go to The Beanery, go to the library to look through some picture books, or go to the furniture store to get a new bookcase. I do need a new bookcase now. I cannot believe that I started that second volume of Schopenhauer, for that was a mistake. I do not want to get into Schopenhauer again. My psychotic thoughts made me read it instead of the Odyssey. Anyway, at least God let me read something. I do believe in God, and He helps me through things, it seems.

I wonder how many people believe in or fear God. When I sat down, I was in the shade for the most part. So, Ann comes tomorrow. I am hungry right now. Last night I was somewhat of a glutton, for I ate a strawberry soy yogurt, two

 

anisette cookies, cherries, and other stuff too. I do not want to be a glutton. I think that Mozart wrote those two violin concertos when he was nineteen.

Mozart died or was killed in 1791 when he was thirty-five years old (the libretto of one of the CDs said that he might have been murdered, which is news to me). He was buried as a normal person in a regular grave with nothing fancy, and it is amazing that his music has survived until this time after over two hundred years. Now I have to write my conclusion. I am glad that I was able to write here, for that was no sure thing today. I was in the doldrums today. I only hope that I can keep up my good schedule into the coming weeks, months, and years if need be. I am looking forward to writing down some dreams here in this journal when I remember them. I wish that I had the ability to draw well, for then I could draw some of the scenes in my dreams, like that huge tub that I dreamt about not long ago. Now I have got to go, fair reader. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, July 17 2002

 

I feel awful. I really do. I do not know exactly what mentally is wrong with me, but I feel awful. My head even hurts from the mental stress. I have not been able to read or exercise today, but I listened to some Mozart though the recording was awful. Ann gets in today. Yesterday was a chaotic day. Today has been tough too. I am too anxious to exercise. I told my mom how I was feeling last night, and she thought that I had had an off day. I feel so lethargic right now. I did not sleep very well last night, as I kept getting up. Last night before bed I did not even have the energy to put on the covers on my bed.

I wonder when my dad will pick up Ann from the airport. I am writing so slowly today. I feel so depressed. There is nothing to do at all. I did not want to run because I figured that I might be too tired at such an early time to run. Now it is about two o’ clock. My head feel like it is about to explode, and I just have to be brave. I just have to be brave and to not fear psychosis or death. I feel awful, that is the only way to describe it.

For lunch I had hummus on two pieces of bread though the hummus was not as good as usual, for this kind had garlic in it. Last night was crazy and chaotic. Although last night I went to Arthur’s Drug Store, it was closed, as they close at eight. I was there a little past that, and I wanted to get a binder for my journal. Last night I went to bed early at about ten o’ clock, and I got up late today at around eleven o ‘clock. Things are not going well for me. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow, and I guess that I will go to that.

My dad and mom both get up early, and I wonder when my sister gets up. I wish that things were running smoothly, but they are not running smoothly. I do not know what to do today. I am at a loss. I feel like my mind is about to explode on itself like a dying star. And my mind is my star, without which I do not know if I could survive. Therefore, I must stay sane. Last night I watched too much television. I watched about two and one half hours of television, during

 

which I was deluded in thinking that therefore I had turned good. Then the second psychosis, so to speak, kicked in when I stopped watching television, and it told me, therefore, that I was neutral good. So, my mind was on a not very nice roller coaster yesterday. The roller coaster was one that goes upside down, one that I get sick on.

I remember that I liked the Thunderbolt most at Riverside Park and that I did not even mind the mind-bending Cyclone. What I could not take though was the one that went upside down, and I threw up in the bathroom when I was at the park with James Ristas and his mother. My obsessions are annoying still.

The current one is using the forward arrow on the keyboard to see if I can space forward any after the period at the end of a sentence. I want to make sure that I cannot do so before I go on writing. Crazy things like this are a nuisance. My sister has a cool job with Jeanne, the daughter of Mamaw’s next-door neighbors, and she is involved with advertising with Jeanne. My sister only has one more year of college left before she graduates from Wheaton College.

Last night I dreamt that I was in a bus on a trip and that Pamela Del Negro was being dropped off. She was a friend of mine in sixth grade at the Clover Street School. She said “Bye” to everyone and, referring to her small house, said that this is where she worships or something like that. I looked in admiration at Pamela for her good character. She had a small home in not such a good neighborhood, but the moral of this dream was not to judge people by their houses or by how much money they have. At least I think that this was the moral of the dream.

Then I found myself dazed. I was lying down on the bus seat. This was the last thing that I needed, for I had already had an activity-filled trip.  I wanted to   get home and rest.   Yet  this exhaustion was just what the devil needed to snare  me.  Now was the time when I had to overcome evil in defeating both the devil   and the Antichrist. On the bus was Sam Waterston, an actor in “Law and Order,” and his daughter graduated from Loomis.  Well, he not only took on the form of  the devil, but he was the devil. He was rich and powerful because of his evil.

The first test I passed by seeing Popee’s reflection in the window. I won the second test by slapping the devil across the face, which was done when I saw Popee’s reflection again though the devil objected to me looking for it.

So, I defeated the devil through the help of Popee, who was I guess in the spirit world. Then I had to face the Antichrist, and for this I found myself in a strange landscape with like a bunch of people in a parade and some tanks. The landscape was colored beige like sand, and so was the sky. I had to jump over some string and paper that was constantly moving under my feet, and a big thread was involved somehow. I have to admit that this test is hard to explain. I was doing well at first, but, as I neared the end of the test, I got tired. If I had lost the test to the devil, I would have become the devil, which was bad. Yet if I lost the test to the Antichrist, I would become the Antichrist, which would be even worse for the suffering in hell that I would endure. I knew that I had almost

 

passed the test, when I started getting very tired. I just needed one more pass to jump over, and I think that I made it though, just barely getting my feet over the paper. I am not even sure, now that I think of it, that I passed the test. I have a lot of dreams in which I have to fight the Antichrist after death in order not to become the Antichrist. I did not sleep too well last night.

I do not know what I am going to do for the rest of the day. I feel much better now after having written this today. I might go out for a walk after I finish writing this. Today the theme was just taking care of myself and not stressing myself out. The Mozart CD with Gran Partita on it was superb in that the music was superb, but the recording, which was made in 1960, was terrible, as some noises kept ruining the music. The CD was a Sony CD, and I do not seem to have luck with liking the Sony CDs that I get. The main reason that I do not have luck with the Sony CDs is that I do not like the music on them much, but today the case was that the recording on the CD was not very good.

Yesterday I went jogging for about twenty minutes though I hurt a muscle on my left leg while jogging. I hope that I can go exercise today, so I hope that my anxiety decreases. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow at two-fifteen. I have not see him for about three weeks, I think. I wonder what he will ask me tomorrow, and I know that he will ask me about college. Well, at least I think that he will ask me about this. The day is beautiful out. The day can be so nice out, yet my mind can be so tormented and chaotic. My mind sure feels better now after I write than before, when I was feeling so alone and away from the world. I have no idea what I will do tonight, though, and I will have to figure this out.

I tried starting Hegel last night, but to no avail because it was like as if written in a different language. This Phenomenology of the Spirit is a book too difficult for me, it seems. So, now I guess that if things go well in the coming days, I will be reading the Odyssey and The World As Will and Representation Volume 2. I already started the second volume of Schopenhauer, which is like a critique of the first volume and which thus adds some comments that are relevant. The day is so nice out that I would like to run. I hope that Ann has a good flight without any terrorists or problems. I wonder how Ann is holding up on the trip since she gets anxious when she flies of late.

Coming up is Mamaw’s birthday, which is something to look forward to. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I hope that God helps me through this mess that I am in. I do hope that He does help me through this, and I will do my share. I know that I have to reap what I sow. So, I will try to take care of myself. I hope that the reader keeps reading my journal. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Friday, July 19 2002

 

I just recently got home from a walk. I have been having a good day today, and I think that my troubles started with that maverick and tough schedule that I

 

was in. I decided that I was not going to stick with this schedule and that I would go back to my old schedule, which is working for me today. I read the Odyssey today for about an hour. Also, I went for a walk for about a half hour. After I finish this entry, I will be done for the day, which is good. For the rest of the day, I will probably rest by watching television. I had a good walk, which was pleasantly surprising since it was hot and since it was relatively early in the day. I got up today at around ten-forty.

The day is beautiful out really. The Odyssey is going well, and I do like this book. The book is relatively short, so if I stick with it, I will be done with it pretty quickly. So, I think that I will stay with the schedule today of reading for an hour, exercising for a half hour, and writing for about a half hour. This is not as much stuff as I did before, but it is the schedule that I have basically used for a long time in general and that seems to work all right. I hope that the reader is not disappointed in me and that I will be able to continue reading and writing all right.

Yesterday I had a psychiatrist appointment that I went to, by the way.

I do not think that I will be going to Trinity College anytime soon. I am not in shape for it. Today I walked pretty slowly, but I am happy that I kept it up for about a half hour. Last night I watched a movie on ABC called The Phantom, which was a decent movie though it was probably meant for younger viewers. My dad said that he was so happy that I felt better today after he asked me if I felt better, and I had said “Yes.” For lunch today I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for a change.

The sandwich was all right. I wish that I had some hummus without garlic. I wish that I could go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow, but I am just not up for going there yet. I wonder what will be on television this afternoon, and I hope that there will be some good sports show on. Most of the movies on television are of bad quality or are old. I do not have the strength to rent movies, as that is so complicated. I have been able to listen to a lot of music over the past several weeks. Now think that a rest from music is in order, thus I am glad that I did not get more CDs at Borders, when I went with my mom recently there. It is a surprise really that my sister has not had any friends over recently. The movie The Phantom, which was on last night, was not such a bad movie. The thing that was not too good though was the phantom’s costume, which could have been better and which was an eyesore.

If the costume was better, the whole movie would have been improved. It is good that Ann is up here in Connecticut now, and I wonder how long she will stay up here. I would really like to see Sarah and John sometime soon. Sarah has two children, Alex and Adam. They are going to be tall, like Sarah’s husband, as they are big kids really. I hope that I am able to get the television downstairs for the afternoon, and then I can hold it all through the night. My sister last night asked if I felt better, and I said “Yes.” Then she asked why I felt better, and I said that it was by watching the television. I have to admit that watching the

 

television last night helped me feel better and made me realize that I have limitations and that I cannot always get what I want.

The day is really nice out, and I am glad that I went out for a walk today. I am wearing some khaki shorts, which do not fit too well now because they are a size thirty-six waist, and I take normally about a size thirty-three or thirty-four waist. So these Hilfiger shorts are baggy and hang down too much. I am wearing my relatively new Woolrich short-sleeved button-down shirt that looks nice.

Things are going to change for me from now on, and I am not going to push myself too much and will do a schedule of stuff during the day that I can live with. This is by no means declaring that I will be lazy or idle, though, for I will avoid being thus.

Now I have got to write my conclusion. I am glad that today I feel better, and I hope that tomorrow I feel all right too. I have got to relax more than I have in the past month though I did get a lot accomplished during that time. I hope that I finish the Odyssey soon. I hope that the reader stays with me through these tumultuous, good times. I hope the reader is doing all right. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, July 20 2002

 

I just recently got home from a walk. I think that my sister just went out with a friend. The day is beautiful but hot out. I went on the walk for about a half hour. I read the Odyssey today for about an hour. Last night I watched television a lot, and this helped me out. It is too bad that I did not go to see Ann at Mamaw and Popee’s today though I hope that I see her soon. I do like the Odyssey, for it has some good parts in it. I do not like the Iliad nearly as much though. I felt tired after I got home from my walk, but now I feel pretty well. I wonder when my parents will get home from Mamaw and Popee’s today. I hope that I can keep up a schedule in the months to come though I doubt if I will return to Trinity College. I hope that Mamaw is not too disappointed that I did not go over today. I am hungry right now. I do not know why this is the case, but I am just hungry.

For lunch I had some hummus with two slices of bread. The hummus had some garlic in it, which I do not like much. I like the regular kind of hummus without the garlic better. Last night I think that my sister went out with Laura. I wonder how Ann is doing, and she has always been a fine aunt to me. On the River Trail I saw a lot of birds, including a cardinal. Also, I saw some small birds, which I guess are sparrows. The marsh was covered with like green algae on the surface with some plants growing on the sides of the marsh. I feel comfortable in this air-conditioned room. I hope that I am able to get the television this afternoon and into the night. The stock market has been doing terrible.

Stocks keep going down, and both markets have been hit bad. I wonder if and when the stock market will recover. Someone just got home. I hope that I will be able to continue writing in this entry. I wonder what will be for dinner

 

tonight. Last night I had beans, which I like a lot, and a pretty good hot dog. My sister has not been going out at night much with her friends lately. Last night, I saw part of an eerie movie called In the Line of Fire starring Clint Eastwood. The movie was quite scary really. I wonder if there will be anything good on television today as it is a Saturday, so there will probably be a lot of sports on.

I walked pretty slowly today on my walk, and I just did not have the energy to go fast. A comment often comes to mind from what James Bozzuto said on Thursday when he said that I have a good mind. I may have a good mind, but my body is shot. Well, it is not shot since I can walk and stuff, yet at this age I should be vigorously exercising. The fact is that I am not vigorously exercising, and I feel bad about this. Instead of walking for that half hour, I should be near sprinting for a half hour. I hope that I will be able to keep reading the Odyssey; the translation is really not too bad, I guess.

Yesterday I watched a lot of television, and this gave me something to do. I think that there will be corn among other things for dinner tonight. I am glad to be healthy, and I should not complain about my body. I wonder if there will be anything good on television today. I read the Odyssey today actually not for an hour but for about fifty-six minutes, but I will try to read one-hour blocks every day. I am wearing New Balance shoes, some dark khaki shorts, and a short- sleeved shirt on this hot day. I got up today at about four-thirty in the morning, and then I went to get breakfast downstairs.

Then I went back to sleep, and I got up way too late at about eleven o’ clock. I do not know how I lost track of so much time in bed. My sister’s friend Laura drives a white Volkswagen Jetta, I think. My mom some time ago mentioned how popular those Jettas were. I guess that I like the Jetta. That  movie called In the Line of Fire was really scary. I wonder if my sister and her friend are watching television right now though I hope that they are not watching it.

I hope that Lance Armstrong wins the Tour de France again, and I think that yesterday or the day before that he was the leader. I hope that he wins the race. I wonder if Ann will come over tomorrow. I hope that she is not mad that I did not go over to Mamaw and Popee’s today. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I hope that the reader is all right. The one thing that I have to defeat in the months ahead is being idle or lazy. I must avoid being idle or lazy. Well, after I have written this about half-hour entry, I will be done with academics for the day. Now my sister and her friend are in my sister’s room. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, July 21 2002

 

I just recently got home from a walk. I wanted to see Mamaw and Ann today, but that is probably not going to happen. I made a blunder with respect to going over today. The trouble started with me swooning in bed till around

 

eleven-thirty though I got up at around ten-forty. Although I was up, I was swooning a lot, and my thoughts did not make much sense. I told my mom that I wanted to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house today, so she called the house and said that I was going to go. Then I changed my mind soon after I told my mom that I wanted to go. So, I am ending up not going, and they decided not to visit here. So, I made a mess of things today.

I read the Odyssey for about an hour today, and I walked for about a half hour. I have not been listening to music lately. I wonder why I was so tired last night. I went on a walk around the neighborhood, and there were a lot of people outside. They were doing various things. For example, one man was cleaning up a yard. A different man was sitting on his small porch, and I saw a man walking his small dog. Last night I saw part of a really good movie called Joe Versus the Volcano. I want to watch television tonight, and I wonder what will be on. I am writing this entry at about four o’ clock in the afternoon. I wish that there were better things on television though I do not much mind what is on now. The day is beautiful out, and I feel glad that I was able to walk today. The weather is quite hot. I had some awesome dreams last night though I wish that I did not swoon so much this morning in bed.

There is not much going on in the world, except for bad news on Wall Street. I hope that I will be able to watch television tonight all right. Last night I had a fine dinner, and the main dish was salmon. I will probably be through with the Odyssey in no time, and that is a very fine book. Odysseus is telling the story of how he went down into Hades and saw his mother there. Obviously, Odysseus was sad to know that she had died. The Odyssey is full of adventure really. I hope that I have a nice dinner tonight.

I wonder what Ann and Mamaw are doing now. I hope that they are not mad at me though I doubt that they are mad at me. After I finish this entry, I will probably be done with academics for today. I hope that the reader is doing all right. I wonder what he or she thinks or judges about me these days, and what the reader sees in me these days. I wonder if the reader approves of my deeds and of me, and how the reader has changed since I began writing this journal. I wonder when the reader began reading my journal, how long the reader will read my journal entries for, and if the reader is male or female.

I would obviously like to get to know the reader, for any person who reads my journal with caring is welcome to know me. I wonder how the reader likes my journal. On my walk today, I passed the former home of Amilca Gomes, who was a top friend in elementary school in the sixth grade. I wonder who lives there now, but he or she is sure not to measure up to Amilca. I miss some of my old friends though Loomis corrupted a lot of them. So, some friends I miss, and others I do not want much to do with. Right now I am in my air-conditioned room. I write in my room, as the house is small, and I do not have a den. Popee had the advantage of having a really nice den, where he could read.

 

I wonder what is on television tonight. I am glad that I saw Joe Versus the Volcano some last night. I feel so comfortable temperature-wise in this room. It makes me depressed that there is violence happening all around the world. I wonder where I would be without television. I hope that I finish the Odyssey soon. Also, I am looking forward to the summer heat ending and for cooler temperatures to come in. Unfortunately, I have a lot of obsessions that bother me. Now I have got to write my conclusion. Tonight I wonder what there will be for dinner, which is not far off now. I hope that the reader keeps reading my journal. I hope that Apple computers never go out of fashion. I miss Popee and playing ping-pong. I wish that I could bring him back to life. Mamaw’s birthday is coming up, and I am looking forward to that. Now I have got to go. Bye bye.

 

Monday, July 22 2002

 

I just got home from a walk, and I was out for about a half hour. It is really hot out, so I am glad that I was able to walk all right. I read the Odyssey today for about an hour though I got up late today at around eleven o’ clock. Although I had a hard time getting myself ready to read today, I did get to it, so that is good. Right now I am in my cool room. It is not hot in here like outside. Odysseus is telling about Scylla and Charybdis. I do very much like the Odyssey. I am glad that I am not out in the searing heat right now. I had a hard time deciding to read earlier, but not reading would have landed me nowhere, so to speak, in terms of the Odyssey. I wish that I was out on the sea in a boat and that I was on the beach. I miss the beach a lot. I miss the sand and the waves. My dad told me that my sister was at the beach today.

She is so lucky. I wonder what beach she went to. My obsessions are so annoying. Last night I saw part of the movie Executive Decision. I also saw part of the movie Phenomenon, which Schopenhauer would like. Well, he would like the title at least. So, there were some interesting movies that I mentioned on television. I wonder what will be for dinner tonight. Last night I had a steak, which was good. I wonder what there will be tonight. I had a scary dream last night. I wonder if I have the quality of grace. I think that I was given some natural talents in intelligence. Maybe I inherited some of Popee’s fine qualities. I wonder if I have grace. Surely I do not have grace anymore in athletics though I used to be good at ping-pong, tennis, running, and soccer.

Now I have a different kind of grace, as I am a tough person who has been through a lot of hardship. I have been through a lot of pain. I have learned from this hardship to endure in suffering and to never lose hope. This air conditioner is a really nice one, and it works well. I wonder what is on television this afternoon. Right now it is a little after three o’ clock. So, today is a Monday and that means that my mom has a long week ahead at her workplace. My dad has time off too though Loomis is looming ahead, as it were. Loomis is looming,

 

Loomis is looming. That is kind of poetic. Anyway, I hope that I will be able to finish the Odyssey soon.

I do like the Odyssey. I wonder why I do not like the war story the Iliad, which is obviously also by Homer. I do not see how the author of the Odyssey could have written the Iliad. I hope that I am able to see Ann and Mamaw this week, and maybe they could come over here for dinner this week sometime during the week. I am wearing my New Balance shoes, some blue J. Crew shorts, a Brooks Brothers T-shirt, and a short-sleeved collared light-green B.D. Baggies shirt. I am so hungry right now that I could eat a horse. Those crewmen of Odysseus did wrong in eating the animals of Helios since later, when they were on the sea with Odysseus, Zeus threw a thunderbolt at the ship, thus destroying it. I would like to read The Canterbury Tales next though that edition that I got was revised, so it might not be as fine as the original.

I do not know if I will ever focus on reading that second edition of Schopenhauer. This morning it took so much energy just to get out of bed, and I wish that I was not so tired in the mornings. It is my fault that I am so tired, though, for I take the Zyprexa every night. I wonder what would happen if I skipped a dose of that medicine. I really want to see Ann this week, and I wonder when she is leaving for home. I hope that I see her before she leaves. She is such a strong, nice person.

There are a lot of robins in my yard now. The River Trail was nice today for my walk though I did not see anyone on the trail today. Maybe the high heat disturbs people from going to the River Trail. Since I am out of time, I should write my conclusion now. I hope that the reader is doing all right and that I can keep up this schedule that I am on now. For the rest of the day today, I will probably watch some television. I am glad that I wrote here today. I really hope that a cure will be found for schizophrenia. Well, now is about time to leave. I am probably through with academics for today. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, July 23 2002

 

I am having a rough time. Things are certainly not going easily. I have been beset these past several days with psychosis again. The psychosis has made me make my schedule less than I would want, but now I am fighting back due to an awful start of the day. My psychosis is terrible. I was almost in physical pain earlier today, when I was just lying around and not able to read or to do anything. My head felt like it was going to explode. I was just lying around much of the day today, and all I could do was eat some snacks for fun. There was nothing to do.

Right now it is dark out from the rainstorms that have come through. It is not night, though, as it is around four o’ clock now. My psychosis is the same as it has been, namely, that I was good. I had to follow this schedule to remain good, or else I would be neutral good. The psychosis is still trying to overcome me now by telling me that I am either neutral good or the Antichrist. I feel awful about

 

these terrible thoughts. My mom has been coming home from work late recently, and she has had a lot of work at work in Glastonbury. I feel bad for her really. I am surprised that I am even writing this journal entry now though my reading the Bible for about an hour helped me out and cheered me up. I cannot believe how dark it is out now for this time in the afternoon. My next appointment is on August 26. The psychiatrist is taking a long vacation. Ever since I saw the psychiatrist, my first psychosis has been my life until the middle of the day today, when I refuted this due to extreme sorrow. Now I am trying to get my life back. Since Thursday, I have been following a set schedule of reading for an hour, writing for a half hour, and exercising for a half hour. This was in the belief that I was good again. Today I could not handle the schedule, as my mind felt as if it were about to burst.

I could not do much, and I just sat around. Right now I am recovering from that first psychosis, it seems, though I cannot ironically help feeling guilty from this very recovery because the second psychosis tells me that I am no longer good but neutral good or the Antichrist. I feel like I am the Antichrist because I think too highly of myself and because I follow this thinking up with deeds that make me become the Antichrist. I think of myself as neutral good because I failed at being good, and now I am neutral good. Being the Antichrist is a step above being good, and it is the next step up. The Antichrist is one who is too good. The Antichrist gets all that he wishes for though he has the danger of slipping into the low version of the Antichrist if he gets lazy. There are two Antichrists. The low one is the worst person on the planet, and he suffers the worst pains in hell than anyone.

The high one gets to experience the greatest pleasures at the expense of the low Antichrist. The high one better watch out, though, for the low one can through cunning ascend to the high and bump the high one from the highest pleasures to the worst pains. Right now it is quite dark out. I do not think that it is raining heavily right now though. The sky is silver. I have been having quite good dinners lately.

I want to go out to McDonald’s tonight for ice cream with my mom tonight.

I would like to do more stuff on a daily schedule than I have done since Thursday, when I had my psychiatrist appointment. Like I said earlier, my next psychiatrist appointment is on August 26, which is a Monday. I wonder when my mom will get home today. I wonder what Mamaw and Ann are doing right now.

Ann is probably mad at me for not seeing her, as is Mamaw maybe too. I hope that I can be healthy from today on as I was in the weeks before the day summer school started and in some of the days after summer school started. I had a healthy schedule going there for a while. I hope that there will not be a lot of thunder, lightning, and rain tonight, as that might cause the power to go out. I do not think that the family has a lot of candles in the case of an emergency. I hope that I get enough sleep for tonight. It is good that I have been sleeping well

 

lately. I hope that I did not scare the reader with my telling about the two Antichrists.

Now I have got to write my conclusion. I am glad that I wrote here today.

Maybe things will go well tonight. Ever since Thursday, I have been watching far too much television, and I should cut down a lot on television. I just hope that I do not get psychotic from all these thought changes and from all of the stress that my mind goes through. I want to be happy and sane all at once though this might not be possible philosophically. I hope that the reader is all right. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, July 24 2002

 

I am kind of lazy. Well, maybe I am not lazy but just too tired out. I just got home from a bike ride on which my legs felt like lead, yet I had a great time with the breeze blowing at me and with the bright sun throwing its rays on me. It is not hot today, so it was good for a bike ride. Only my sister is at home now.

Last night I went with my mom to get some ice cream in Windsor Locks. I want to read tonight, but I just do not think that I am up to it. Today I read the Bible for about an hour. I was out on the bike for about a half hour. I miss reading the Odyssey.

I read the Odyssey last night for about an hour total. I think that my dad went to Boston today. That is what my mom said to me last night. Mamaw’s birthday is on Monday. I want to see her then, as it is her birthday. I doubt if I will be over tomorrow though. I want to go Saturday though. I probably sound depressed. This medicine takes over my life.

Last night for dinner I had a lobster cake, which was not too good really. I feel bad right now. I feel stupid, like dumb. I wish that I did not have this illness. I really wish that I did not have it. I cannot bear to be sane with the knowledge that this medicine is destroying me. This medicine makes me so slow and without motivation. I cannot go to college on this medicine. I almost would rather me psychotic or insane than be on this medicine. At least I would have energy to do things even if it would be to jump in front of a train. Well, I should not be too morbid. I wonder what Ann is doing now. My mom has been getting home late because she has so much work to do at work. The day is so beautiful out, and it thus cheers me up a lot. I feel sad and happy at the same time. I feel that there is a sanctity of life. Life is sacred, thus I would never kill myself while sane.

Yet I am killing myself every day by taking the medicine. My arms are skinny and without muscle. My legs have grown some fat on them, and they cannot carry me running far. I cannot read or write much before my concentration goes. I cannot be around my peers at college. I am growing old. If I am this tired now, when I get older I will be even more so. Yet the sun shines beautifully, and I can watch the river run at the River Trail. I am alive and exist

 

even though I am a shadow of my former self. I have got to absolutely cheer up. I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight.

I wonder when my dad will get home, and what he is doing in Boston. I thought about when I went to Boston on my senior class trip. I hung around with Prindiville, Jason Doucette, and Chris Merrill on that day. I remember going to that river with them and sitting by the river with Prindiville. I cannot know for sure how to spell Prindiville’s first name. I remember that I liked Boston. I remember being on the subway with that group and seeing Lee Green and his girlfriend, Dena Springer, on the subway. I wonder again what will be for dinner tonight. I had a fun bike ride, and my bike is holding up well these days. I wore my Nike Air Max shoes on the bike ride.

Now I have got to write my conclusion. I am glad that I wrote today, and I hope that the reader excuses my discussion about Boston if it was boring. I felt depressed today. I want to read the Odyssey tonight for about an hour, but my mind is telling me to watch the dumb television instead. So, I might go through the day with not even reading the Odyssey. I really want to eventually finish that book, as that would give me some confidence. Now I have got to go. Bye bye.

 

Friday, July 26 2002

 

I just recently got home from a bike ride. I feel kind of lethargic, and I am lacking some satisfaction or happiness. I kind of feel just like relaxing and not doing much, but that does not lead to much. I read the Bible today for about an hour. Obviously, I did not write yesterday, as I felt that I should take a day off from the journal. Yesterday I read the Odyssey for a total of about an hour. Also, I think that I read the Bible for about an hour yesterday. Odysseus is home now though Athena made him into an old man. Telemachus knows who he is, and along with the swineherd he is the only one who knows that the old poor man is his father.

Odysseus and Telemachus are planning ruin for the suitors of Penelope. I had a good bike ride though I was just wishing on the ride that anything could come easy to me physically without me putting so much effort into the simplest thing physically. I cannot even ride my bike at a normal pace without putting so much into it. The medicine slows me down so much, when I am supposed to be in the prime of life too.

Well, I will not complain because everything is for a reason and is in God’s plan. I feel kind of tired right now. I have been entertaining notions of going out somewhere like the mall tonight, but I am too afraid to go anywhere. I just have a fear of going out. If I could go anywhere, I would go to the Westfarms Mall, and I love that place. I like how big and nice it is, and I like the stores there. I pumped up my tires on my bike today, which took about three minutes. So, that went by fast.

 

I have a pretty good pump too, which looks ineffective but which is nice. I finished reading Jeremiah in the Bible today. That is the section that I have been reading lately. This is when God let the Babylonians under King Nebuchadnezzar lay waste the people of Israel. God has mercy on the people of Israel in the end though by having the remnant of the people of Israel survive and, I guess, return home. God was really mad at them though for making idols and for their belief in the queen of heaven and in foreign gods. Jeremiah was a prophet of God who received the word of the Lord from God. Maybe I am reading the Bible too much. Today I did not have enough stuff to make a good lunch, for all that I had was soy peanut butter and some jelly and bread. So, I had a not too good soy butter and jelly sandwich.

Jeremiah is suffering all kinds of imprisonment by the people around him. In one instance he was thrown down into the mire, and he had to be lifted up or he would die. Jeremiah was strong, and he delivered the word of God to the people. I guess that I like the Bible, as it is powerful in its eloquence. Yet it concerns itself with Israel, which is a world away from Windsor. The Bible does not speak to America, but with Israel. Yet the parts about morality are universal. I guess that the talk of the disaster to Israel and of how it would become desolate because of the iniquity of its people applies to people and to lands that are wicked. God sees all, so He will punish the evil men and the evil lands of men.

Yet God has a fondness for Israel. So, Jeremiah was a good part of the Bible. I hope that I get to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow and that I am not sliding into a psychosis these days. I feel more cut off from the outside world lately. I feel that I should be going more places, yet this week I did go to get some ice cream in Windsor Locks. I usually get an Oreo flurry at this place, which has really good ice cream. The day is not hot, and it was good for a bike ride. I just hope that I can keep my sanity in the coming days, and I hope that I can stay out of the mental hospital. I am looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow, and I just hope that I can do so. I wish the reader well. I am off now.

Bye bye.

 

Saturday, June 27 2002

 

I feel depressed. I had a bad lunch, for there was no peanut butter left. So I had to have ham and cheese. What makes things worse is that my family called from Mamaw and Popee’s house to ask if I wanted to go over for dinner. Yet because of me they will have to come home. There were not many people on the River Trail when I went on my walk today. I saw a young girl and boy, who were probably sister and brother, riding their bikes. Their bikes were small, and the girl wore a helmet. Their slow brown dog was going along beside them. From what I heard from the boy encouraging the dog on he was a smart kid.

I read some of Samuel today for about fifty minutes. I feel sad that I did not go to Mamaw and Popee’s today, and I did not go because my parents had to pick up

 

Carol from the airport. I did not want to go to the airport. I hope that my whole family does not think ill of me for staying at home today. The day is not that hot really. I felt kind of sick or dizzy earlier today while reading the Bible. I am glad that I am not sick though. I feel thirsty right now.

Last night I listened to a good CD with Prokofiev and Respighi on it. The CD was to showcase the talent of Anne-Sophie Mutter. She is a violin player and is a good one, I guess. I am almost through with the Odyssey, which I read last night for about forty minutes. I watched some television, including the news.

The stock market is not doing well. My sister, I guess, is home now. Tomorrow is Mamaw’s birthday. I thought about making her a card on the computer, which was my mom’s idea, but I do not have any program to make a good card with.

I remember making cards on the really good program Print Shop on the old Apple that I had. I even used to make banners on it. I do not feel good about skipping going to Mamaw and Popee’s today.

I know that I am missing out on a lot, but I am just so anxious about going and am terrified at the open road. I miss Mamaw a lot. I am wearing my New Balance shoes, some khaki Gap shorts, an Umbro T-shirt, and a jean Polo button- down shirt. Yesterday I listened to the First Symphony of Brahms too, but I had a terrible time of it because the air conditioner impeded my hearing some of the symphony. Last night at dinner, my dad asked me what I was reading, and I said that I was reading the Bible and the Odyssey. Then he asked me if I believed in God, and I shrugged but then said, “I guess.” I wonder when my parents will get home. I had a terrible ham and cheese sandwich for lunch because there was no peanut butter. I ate the last of the Mueslix for breakfast. I had a good walk today. I like dogs, and I like this white dog, with several black spots on it, which is at the dog pound. The dog is big and looks friendly and alert.

I think about Popee a lot. I cannot believe that he is gone and that I am still here. I wonder if I will finish the Odyssey, as I am so near the end of the book now. I am looking forward to finishing it. I do like that book. I hope that I do not have meat for dinner tonight. After the ham sandwich today, I am not in the mood for meat. I am glad that I wrote today, as that makes me feel better. I have not had a girlfriend in a while, and I miss that a lot. I miss not having a girlfriend, for a man has a hard time living without a woman. Yet I am glad to be healthy and sane. I wonder what is on television tonight. The family needs some orange juice. My obsessions are still annoying, but I have to put up with them. I am starting to get the basic ideas behind the Old Testament in the Bible.

The Bible is kind of about the history of Israel. The book focuses a whole lot on Israel as the holy land. The Bible says that Israel is the country of God, essentially. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I hope that I am not slowly going psychotic. On the computer today I am starting a new volume, which is Volume 9. I have written a lot since I started writing this journal. I hope that the reader is doing all right. Well, now my time is up, and I have to go. Bye bye.

 

Monday, July 29 2002

 

I have been thinking a lot. I kind of am wary about going to the party. I want to go, but I might not be able to because I am afraid to. I have not been to see Mamaw in a while. I want to go today to the party at the restaurant, but I am afraid to. I am sure that Mamaw would want me to be there. I have not gone out to exercise today because it is too hot out. Yesterday I did not write because I went to the ice-cream place in Windsor Locks with my mother. I got a flurry with gummy bears in it. I finished the Odyssey yesterday with Athena making peace between Odysseus and his neighbors. The translator did a bad job with the book though. I read A Short History of the World by Roberts today for about an hour. I started the book yesterday, and it is kind of easy reading though he writes well.

At least there are no spelling errors in the book, for the Odyssey had too many of these errors. The book is put out by Oxford University Press.

Nothing like that can compare with the Odyssey though, and I feel lucky to have been able to read the Odyssey. I wonder what restaurant the party will be held at. I see two robins in the yard. Yesterday I exercised for about a half hour, and David Newell said “Hello” to me. He was bicycling with his daughter. Today is so hot out.

Last night I listened to the First Symphony of Johannes Brahms. I wonder if Johannes in English is Jonathan. I am terrible with German names, I guess. I do not know much about Brahms, but I think that he was from Germany. All of the classical composers seem to have died off leaving none at present. There are, of course, some good conductors and performers that are still living though. I hope that I make it to the birthday party tonight. I want to write here today for about an hour, for I have not been able to exercise today yet due to the heat. I just put on a near new Timberland sweater, which I have almost never worn because it has the logo on it. The sweater feels new, and it helps cover my wrist. This is important because I feel awkward putting so much pressure on my right wrist when I type.

So, the sweater helps this and keeps me warm in an air-conditioned room. I am thinking a lot about the party and about how much I want to go. I have not seen much of Ann yet, and I have not seen Mamaw much recently. I wonder if the restaurant will be nice. I think that my dad said that it was a fish restaurant. He also said that the reservations were for six o’ clock. I had a wonderful dream last night. I will be selfish though and keep it to myself since I like it so much. I feel awkward telling the most personal aspects of my soul, and I am already personal enough in this journal. I slept very well last night, and I woke up today at around ten-fifty. I cannot believe that I am wearing a sweater in this high heat. I was just thinking what if I found in the restaurant a young woman who said that her favorite band was Ace of Base, for then I would have something very much in common with her. Then she would ask for my phone number. Then I would say “No,” for I would be too embarrassed with my family there.

 

I have the song by Ace of Base called “Adventures in Paradise” in my head now, and I do not mind that at all. Songs and music just pop into my head at different times, and I never know what music will be in my head. The only way to know what music I will be thinking about is to actually listen to that music.

For lunch today, I had two pieces of bread with hummus on them. I wonder what I will have for dinner tonight, especially if I go to the restaurant. I have not seen Carol yet at all, and she is a smart cookie. I miss Mamaw, though, and I do not understand why they cannot come over here. I wish that I was a good artist.

I know a lot about music, but I do not know a whole lot about art. I slept very well last night. I am writing in this ninth volume of my journal, and the eighth volume is at present about four hundred pages long. Yet I must not brag, but must save my bravado for trying to get myself to go to the restaurant tonight. Yesterday I went to the ice-cream place. There were some people there, but there were not many people there. Right next to the ice-cream place is an army station with a fence around it. Next to that is a field with small barn sheds on it for sale, and I saw some people, on the field, who were looking at the sheds.

I am going to need a new bookcase soon. I want a real wooden bookcase, and I wonder how much a good one will cost. Well, now it is almost August. Last night my mom asked if I wanted to take the Ativan at a double dose, as the psychiatrist said that I could, but I did not say much about that suggestion. I do not think that the Ativan works at all, but might even have a detrimental influence on me. I still am thinking of the “Adventures in Paradise” song, and I like the lyrics. I have often thought lately that the lyrics of so many modern bands just do not work. The lyrics do not make any sense, but are just randomly put together. Yet the lyrics from Ace of Base have a very positive message. They do not advocate drugs or violence, but advocate good things.

I got the Ace of Base CD “Cruel Summer” lately, and I have listened to it much lately. I have not mentioned it up until today because it runs for some seconds past forty-five minutes, and forty-five minutes has been a cursed number for me. I hope that I will be able to go to the restaurant tonight. I wanted to put up a picture of my parents, my sister, and my grandparents, but I have not had the state of mind to put this wonderful picture up. Among the reasons for not putting it up are the following outrageous reasons. I thought that I would be greedy. Also, that Chris Merrill would not like it up. I still have those riotous thoughts of some people from my high-school days.

I cannot fathom whether my high-school days were the richest of my life or the worst and most horrific of my life. I lean towards horrific with some good points. Some of my good points would be the knowledge that I gained there at Loomis Chaffee. This hour has gone by fast though I have about ten minutes left to write. I do hope that I will be able to go to celebrate Mamaw’s birthday today. I do hope also though that I go home after the restaurant. I do not want a long visit tonight. I am not sure when my mom will get home. I just hope that I will be able to go to see Mamaw.

 

I hope that God will be with me and will keep me out of trouble. I do like that book that I am reading, but I am afraid that it will get kind of boring later on.   I did not feel like reading a revised version of The Canterbury Tales, so that about six-dollar book will not be read by me in the near future. I wish that I could understand Hegel’s The Phenomenology of Spirit. Anyway, I hope that Mamaw has a good birthday today, and I do want to go to the restaurant today.   I wonder if I will get there tonight, and I hope that I will. So, I might not exercise today. Well, fair reader, I am about out of time. I still look on the reader as a knight or a fair maiden, as I learned from Le Morte D’ Arthur. I use that book in my mind still as a model for journal entries. I also use some other books that I have as a model for  my journal. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, July 30 2002

 

I just recently got home from about a half-hour walk through the neighborhood. Yesterday I went to Mamaw’s birthday party, which was celebrated both at the nice fish restaurant and at Mamaw and Popee’s house. Mamaw cried twice last night, once at the restaurant and once at her house. She misses Popee. For dinner I had a bowl of clam chowder and fish and chips. The day is so hot out, and I feel glad that God let me go on a walk for about the full time. I never would have thought that I would have made it on the walk today. I had so much to eat last night at the fish restaurant, and the clam chowder was really good.

I saw Carol and Ann yesterday. I slept terribly last night. I was contorted in the worst positions last night. I remember getting up, and I was sprawled out flat on my back. So, the night out last night was emotionally tiring. Mamaw said a speech last night, and she cried during it. She talked about the support of her family and about how without family there would be nothing. Ann and Carol planned on going to the beach today. I have had a headache nearly all day today that comes and goes with the seconds, it seems.

The waitress at the restaurant was wanton yet nice. She seemed to smile at everything. She had big eyes and wore short beige shorts. She had blond hair, and she would smile at nearly everything. When she went to take my salad bowl, she asked if I was not going to have my salad, and I smiled and laughed that I was not. I thought at first that she was joking with me, but I guess that she was with that smile asking a straightforward question.

I think that Mamaw had salmon. My mom had some shrimp, and my dad had something with rice. I am not sure what Ann got, but she might have gotten scrod. I think that Benjamin got chicken fingers, and I am not sure what Carol got. I think that my sister got salmon. The place had bread there set out, and there was a free salad. At the end they gave out a basket of fruit, as it is called.

They also gave out almond-scented towels to use on hands. Benjamin was playing around with his and putting it on his face though he showed some tact in

 

folding it the way it came either before or after he put it on his face. I liked my dinner, and the French fries were good.

The restaurant was in Rocky Hill. I felt sad that Mamaw missed Popee, and, of course, I also felt sad because I missed Popee myself. My dad asked me what I was reading, and I told him. I read A Short History of the World by J. M. Roberts today for about an hour, and I read about Mesopotamia and Egypt. The book is not too analytical, but has a collection of facts in it. There are no profound statements in it. My mom did not talk to me much last night. She asked Carol something, though, and she talked about going to the pool as a kid. Ann was quiet too, but she is a born leader, I guess, since she picked out when to leave for the restaurant. She said that they better get going.

I was in the Suzuki Esteem last night, and I have not seen one Suzuki Esteem on the road yet. I was out yesterday for about four straight hours, which is a lot for me really. That visit will give me enough karma for the rest of the week. The day is nice out though it is quite hot. My mom has to work today, and I feel bad for her since her job stinks lately. She gets home so late now though she told me before that it was only temporary. It appeared that Ann and Carol had never heard of Schopenhauer because they kept asking the title of the book, and I kept repeating it to them though they never grasped the name of the title. I might not have spoken too clearly, but if they had heard of Schopenhauer, they would have known the title.

Then I mentioned the Odyssey, and Ann then mentioned the Iliad and the Odyssey. So, she had heard of them thankfully. Last night was a mixed night with difficulty sleeping, a terrible time with my positions in the bed, and telling, vivid dreams. I kept tossing and turning all through the night, as it seemed. Now I have got to write my conclusion. Well, I made it over to Mamaw and Popee’s yesterday with the help of God. I am glad that I went there. Now is the time to go though. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, July 31 2002

 

I just recently was swooning in bed and taking a nap for about twenty minutes. I have little energy today. Also, the room is cold from the air conditioning. So, today has been a disaster. I have had a tough time today. I just have been having an awful time. The swooning in bed did not help. I have not done much at all today. I feel really melancholy right now. The only thing these days that I have to look forward to are my dreams. I read some of Samuel today for about fifty minutes, and this part of the Bible is kind of boring. In this part of the Bible, David kills Goliath. Today I have been so lethargic and lazy. Idle hands are for the devil, so here I am fighting this typing. Today I had some cake, which I probably should not have. The day is hot though it is ironically cold in here. I do not know why I feel so tired. I just do. I feel awfully tired. I ruined my day by taking a nap. That was a lazy thing to do, and I do not want to be lazy. I

 

really do not want to be lazy. All people do these days is watch television, which is one of the most lazy things that one can do.

I am trying to avoid watching television too much. I probably watch it too much though. I wish that I had not taken that nap today. That ruined things.

The television can really get into a person’s psyche, as it has to me. It seems like half of my memories are from television. I wish that I could go to the beach. I really want to go to the beach. I want to breathe the salt air, as Carol called it at the fish place. I want to walk along the sandy beach. I miss the beach so much. I miss vacation so much. I am just so tied down because of the medicine. I hate the medicine. It is a tool of the devil. Curse be on the house of Zyprexa. That stuff ruins my whole life and makes me swoon in bed. I am too picky about what I want for dinner. My dad asked me if I wanted hamburgers or hot dogs for dinner tonight, but I said that I wanted fish.

I feel physically sick from being mentally ill today. I feel like a leper. I feel sorry for people with leprosy. I got up today at about ten-forty. I feel lucky to be writing this entry, which was not easy to write. It took some bravado to write this today. It took some evil to rest though. I just felt so tired though. Still, I should have drawn out my two-handed sword and fought for justice. I should have drawn my sling for battle like David. Instead I fled. This is too bad. I should not have eaten that cake also, as that could have ruined my appetite for dinner.

Ann went home today on the plane. I am wearing a shirt of Popee’s today, and it is a blue and white stripe Izod short-sleeved shirt. The medicine that he took did as much hurt as his Parkinson’s disease did. He had to take medicine that probably messed him up as much as my medicine messes me up, yet at least he was alive on it. Mamaw luckily is not on any such medicine as Popee and I had. She takes vitamins though, I think. I feel paranoid, for I might watch a lot of television just to have the television so that my sister will not take it and then prevent me from watching it.

I feel kind of paranoid though I do not know why. I just feel melancholy, and this is no fun. I feel unhappy. I wish that I had slept well the night of Mamaw’s party, as I would have thus gotten some confidence yet it was not meant to be. I slept terribly. I wonder what will be for dinner tonight. Samuel was boring. I do not like how brutal the God of the Bible is. He talks of slaughter and violence, when this should not be advocated. I do not understand why God has to be so violent to people and why he shows so much love for only Israel. It is as if he cares only for Israel. He calls them His people. My God is kind, strong, and loving. He does not care for laziness or violence. He is strict and demands much, but gives bountifully if I do well. He keeps me from care and troubles. I wish that this room was warmer. I hate it being cold in here.

I am glad that I wrote today, as it cheers me up and saves me from idleness. I just wish that the reality of this medicine would disappear, instead of having me be a ghost. I am a shadow passing through my prime, yet God keeps me well, so to speak. I am glad that I wrote today, as I said, and now I have to write my

 

conclusion. I hope that the reader is doing well. I will have write for about forty minutes today. I just wish that I had not taken that nap today, as that was evil. I have to avoid evil at every time. Evil should not be desirable for anyone. Last night I had some vivid dreams as usual. I wonder what there will be for dinner. I do not know what I will do for the rest of the day, but I hope that I get less paranoid. Well, I have done all right to write here. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, August 1 2002

 

Well, I feel awful, yet I am here. I feel terrible. I do not know what I can say. This medicine tires me way too much. I tried reading the second volume of Schopenhauer, and I could not understand much of it. I read this for about twenty-four minutes. Then I read A Short History of the World for about an hour, which was a success, I suppose. I could walk for only about fourteen minutes because it is so hot out. I am attacked by terrible obsessions now. My life today is tough, and I do not know what is wrong with me. I feel awful, and thoughts are swirling in my head.

I keep counting how many minutes total I will have done and how many minutes I have done each thing today. My mind cannot rest. I do not know what is wrong with me, and I feel awful. This medicine is terrible, and it brainwashes me. I do not know what is what anymore. I was healthy off of the medicine, but now I can barely walk. Nothing seems to be working out for me. Everything is going bad, yet I must be thankful to be alive. I feel tired and annoyed. I do not know if I am hearing things, or whether the computer is making soft noises. I do not want to go back to the mental hospital.

Maybe I should call it a mental institution. It is an institute of higher learning. People learn, among other things, to take their medicine. They brainwash a person there. This is the institution of brainwashing. The beginning of penal servitude. People cannot live on that medicine, which kills the neurons and the neurotransmitters. The brain cannot communicate with itself properly. The medicine turns a mind into a battlefield. Cannons and muskets go off in the head on medicine, thus the brain is destroyed.

People begin to talk like me with words like thus and therefore. The life is cut off from the people on medicine. Their life is utterly destroyed, and they live in humiliation before the psychiatrist. Their lives end as soon as they take their pills. I woke up today at around ten-fifty. For breakfast I had Life cereal, which is ironic pertaining to this discussion. I had some hummus on two pieces of bread for lunch. I had several tablespoons of ice cream to snack on, but I should not have eaten this, as it is evil gluttony and as it spoils my appetite. My dad had to go to the doctor’s today, and he said that mom will bring a pizza home. So I am probably going to have pizza tonight for dinner.

Yesterday Ann left, and I think that tomorrow Carol leaves. Carol lives far away in Missouri, and I wonder why she went so far away. I made a fool of myself

 

in front of a hidden Loomis worker today. I went out on the lawn slowly thinking about whether to walk, and I must have looked like a drunken man, as I kept thinking and taking baby steps. I did not see him at first, but I will bet that he saw me. This was embarrassing.

On my walk I walked through the neighborhood some. It was too hot to walk the normal amount. The heat was blazing. I feel depressed right now. This medicine kills my very essence. There is nothing else. There is no more innocence here. All of that is out of the window, and I am left tired in my own home with nowhere to go. Yet I have a sense of right and wrong. God is with me, and I am a man of God maybe. I am no priest obviously, but I care a lot for God. If that makes me a man of God, then I will be happy for it. I care to help people and to avoid all evil things. Anyway, I do not know what I will do for the rest of the day. I feel kind of depressed. I wonder if there will be anything good on television tonight. There probably will not be anything good on tonight though I am looking forward to having pizza tonight, and I wonder what kind of pizza my mom will get. I wonder why my dad will be at the doctor’s office so long. I have had a slight pain in my head sometimes lately. I keep wondering if it is something like a brain tumor, yet it is probably just stress or something.

I cannot believe how hot it is out today. I wonder what the temperature is out. I will bet that it is into the nineties today. My sister is at her internship with Jeanne, and I think that my sister likes it. She has it twice per week on Tuesday and Thursday. I hope that the pain in my head is indeed nothing serious. I doubt if I have a brain tumor.

I keep thinking about that movie Guarding Tess in which Tess has an inoperable brain tumor. I have something worse, which is schizophrenia. I am an insane person or a madman. I am Mad Max; no, I am just kidding. I am a psychotic person. I take medicine to cure it. I am as sane as can be now. I have nothing as far as my body is concerned. I went from a size twenty-nine waist before schizophrenia to about a size thirty-four now. I added about five inches on my stomach. My legs have become bigger with fat. My arms through not being used are all bone with no muscle though I am exaggerating. So, my whole body, and I am not exaggerating, has become hurt by the medicine. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I will have written today for about thirty-nine minutes. I wonder if the pizza will be all right. Well, now I have got to go. I hope that the reader stays with me even through my medicine angst. Now I am off.

Bye bye.

 

Friday, August 2 2002

 

I just recently got home from a walk. There were not many people on the River Trail today, but there were some people there. I saw a young woman rollerblading, and she had nice eyes. I passed a woman with her nice dog. I was out for about a half hour. I felt so tired this morning. I read the history book

 

today, and it is pretty decent. I am reading about the Greeks. I still have some pain in my temples. I wonder when school starts at Loomis Chaffee. I was tired on my walk, but I was not extremely tired. I was able to walk all right.

Today is a Friday, so my mom’s work week will be over. I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight. I am here in my air-conditioned room, and I feel pretty comfortable in here. I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house tomorrow. I cannot believe that it is almost the second of August. Trinity College starts in about a month, but I guess that I will not be there. This is too bad. I just cannot make it on this medicine. School is too much of a social burden on this man.

I miss the mall and the movie theater. I wanted to see some movies. The day today is not as hot as it was yesterday, when it was scorching hot.

I wonder when my sister returns to college. Yesterday’s entry, as the reader can tell, was an angry entry, but one in which I show my strength to go on. I wonder what movies will be on television tonight. Here I am conscious though not fully and writing on my iMac. I do like this computer. I would love for it to rain today. I read some about Crete in the book today. That civilization began so long ago. This book is well written. There are not many spelling mistakes in it either, unlike the Homer book that I finished recently. This history book is put out by Oxford. It looks like it is getting darker today, thus maybe it will rain some. I would love it if it rained though I would certainly not like it if the power went out. There is not much to watch on television these days. I have not listened to much music recently. I wonder if it will rain now.

I am really hoping that it will rain. Right now it looks as if it will rain for sure. If I were a Native American, I would do a rain dance and be glad at the results probably. I have always liked rain, thunder, and lightning, and there is nothing that I like more than a good storm. I just hope that the power does not go out. I might very well stick with A Short History of the World even though its author is not too famous. The book is like something that one would read in formal school, and there are thus a lot of facts in the book. I feel comfortable here in my room. I hope that I will be able to get the television tonight.

The day has darkened considerably now, and it is all but certain to rain soon. I would like a hamburger or a hot dog for dinner tonight. Last night I had a good pizza. My dad had to go through many unneeded tests at the doctor’s office yesterday. So, my mom had to take care of the dinner. I wonder what we will be having for dinner tonight. I hope that I am not sounding too superficial today. I do not want to sound superficial, but I do not think that I am. I hope that I can make it over to Mamaw and Popee’s house tomorrow. My obsessions are still so annoying.

I read the history book for about an hour today, and I went for a walk for about a half hour. After this entry I will have written for about a half hour today. The day keeps getting darker and darker, and it looks like darkling night is fast approaching at this time about an hour before dinner. I think that darkling is an old word, and I might have learned it in reading Shakespeare. I think that Carol

 

went home today. I do not think that Carol is staying here tomorrow. I hope that there will be something good for dinner tonight. What a change the weather has taken, as it went from very hot before and now to dark and looking like it is about to rain. I still have my air conditioner on.

I wonder what the temperature is out. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I am glad that I wrote here. I got to tell about the changing weather. I do not see any birds in the yard now. I feel like I am in Kansas with Dorothy.

Well, I hope that the reader is doing all right. I am looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. I wonder if it is raining in Hartford now. I feel lucky just to be alive and to still do some stuff that schizophrenia cannot prevent. Well, I hope that the reader is in good health. I probably will not write tomorrow if I go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. Now I am off though. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, August 3 2002

 

I just recently got home from a walk. I was walking for about a half hour. I actually made it to Mamaw and Popee’s house today, but I do not feel like reading the history book right now. So, I decided to write here. It seems like I have been immobile on my bed for the most part of today. I just felt so tired today. I am glad that I saw Mamaw today. My parents brought some of Carol’s old books home. Carol left yesterday. My sister is not home right now. I had a crisis when I got home from Mamaw and Popee’s house, for I could not find anything to do. I finally found the nerve to go for a walk after dinner. I went for a walk down at Loomis. Luckily, I did not see anyone whom I knew there.

I heard who sounded like singers in the chapel and in a practice room. It was hot out when I was on my walk. It was almost too hot, but I survived all right. Now I am in my room with the air conditioning on. Now the air conditioner is on low power since I turned it on low earlier, and it is not too cold in here. I had a piece of watermelon at Mamaw and Popee’s house today. I felt so lazy in general today. I talked a lot to Mamaw, and she seems to be doing well. I feel pretty well now after that walk, but before the walk, I was in the doldrums in searching for something to do.

I have been eating far too many sweets lately, and I remember Popee telling me pretty recently that he was having too many sweets. I cherish those small memories that I have of him. I have a lot of memories, but this medicine blocks too many out. My longterm memory appears to be bad because of the medicine. Last night I saw some of the movie The Chamber. I had seen the movie before, but it was a good movie. I mean that I had seen it a while ago. The view from my window outside is spectacular, and I can now see nature in her full splendor. Loomis looked nice, but there appears to be too much construction going on there. There are things relating to construction everywhere, it seems. I saw one lady who was dressed all in black, and I think that she was in the singing

 

thing going on down there. I wonder when my sister will get home. Right now my room is comfortable.

I wonder what is on television tonight. I hope that something good will be on. Mamaw seemed in good spirits today, and she said that she had read all of the books that she got. Therefore, she reads a lot, it seems. I guess that she will get some new books Monday maybe. My dad is reading Moby Dick, which is a long book. I am not sure what my mom or my sister is reading. My dad drove to Mamaw and Popee’s today. Last night for dinner I had a hot dog and some vegetable soup, and these were really good. Tonight, however, I had some pasta with this meat sauce, and I did not like these things much. Yet the fruit tonight was good with peaches, strawberries, and blueberries. I hope that there is something good on television tonight. I wonder where my sister went today.

 

Sunday, August 4 2002

 

I am glad that I am writing here. I just did not feel like reading either before I went to Mamaw and Popee’s or after I went there. I am glad that I went on that walk today, for that seems to have helped. Loomis looks pretty nice, like I said, especially the inside of the campus. There is too much construction on the roads though. I wonder who will win that tennis tournament that is going on now, and I am rooting for Andy Roddick to win. This is the Tennis Masters tournament in Toronto. Other players still in the tournament are Haas, Novak, and Canas. I think that it was down to those four players.

I doubt that Roddick has won a Masters Series event yet, and this would be a breakthrough if he wins this one in Toronto. My parents brought about ten of Carol’s old books home. I think that Mamaw got copies made of Popee’s genealogy and that she is donating the copies to a library. I guess that the person at the library said that the genealogy is incredible and could be published. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I am glad that I wrote here today, that I saw Mamaw, and that I did not skip going over today, as that would have been disastrous to my psyche. My parents seem to be doing well. I wonder how my sister is doing today. She will probably be home soon. I feel so relieved to have written tonight. So, tonight I guess that I will watch some television after this.

Now I am off. Bye bye. Monday, August 5 2002

I just recently got home from a walk. Yesterday I had a hard day, and I could not write here. I was trying to find a book to read, but I gave up that search and have come to the conclusion that I should stick with the history book. I did not want to read that book yesterday though. I read the book today for about an hour. Last night I watched a movie called Twelve Monkeys starring Bruce Willis that was hard to follow. I wonder how my cousin John Willis is doing now. I was

 

barely able to walk today. I had such a hard time even keeping up a walk. Yet listening to the insects purr in the marsh and seeing some skateboarders go fast down the hill made it all worthwhile, it seems. I have my air conditioner on low power right now. Therefore, I am not too cold in here.

For lunch today I had a turkey and cheese sandwich, and the bread was really good. The history book is pretty good though it is not challenging to read. Yesterday was chaotic, to say the least. I tried reading Hegel and Schopenhauer with not much luck. Then I read 1984 by George Orwell for about an hour. I liked this book, but since the book ended on a page with the cursed number, which I will not even mention here, I could not continue with it today. What saved me last night was the fine walk that I took. The movie Twelve Monkeys was very unclear at the end. I did not understand the ending. Bruce Willis is a fine actor. I saw the final of the Toronto tennis tournament, which Canas won in straight sets. The history book is easy to read, yet it tells some about the geography of Greece that I was not aware of. The author says that there are the mountains of Thessaly to the north, the plains in the center, and I forget what in the south. He talks about the roles of slaves and women in Greece. Most of the stuff that he talks about I already knew, except the stuff about the geography of Greece. My right wrist kind of hurts from writing, but I am afraid that I will lose my concentration searching for and putting on a sweater.

The skateboarders whom I saw seemed to be of any age between, say, fifteen and twenty-five. There was one who passed quite close to me,and he headed towards me as he went downhill. I did not see them do any tricks. I saw a wonderful black dog in the dog pound today, and the dog seemed so nice. If I had a dog, I would want one like that. That movie last night was strange though I watched it through. I wish that the plot was clearer to me, for then I would have liked it more. The movie had a lot of potential is what I am saying, but the plot was not presented in a way to understand it. On my walk today, I was so exhausted from the medicine that I could barely walk. On the River Trail I had to take baby steps that nobody could see because I did not pass or see anyone, for that matter, on the River Trail today.

The day is not too hot out. My obsessions are out of control. They are so annoying. I wonder when my sister returns to Wheaton College. I am still supposed to return to Trinity College. I doubt if I will make it there though unless there is a new medicine out for schizophrenia that will allow me to run again. Well, now I have to write my conclusion. I was kind of bothered today by my right wrist. When I wear a long-sleeved shirt, the material helps to cushion my wrist unlike now with a short-sleeved shirt. Well, I am glad that I wrote today. I wonder what will be on television tonight. Monday night is like a no night for movies, so I guess that I will just have to deal with a boring night on television. I wish that I understood Twelve Monkeys more. That movie had so much potential if it was not so confusing. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, August 6 2002

 

I just recently got home from a walk, and I went to Loomis. There were a lot of construction workers there. I went down one road with a road-closed sign, so I had to turn back and go down another road. This road led me past Carter Dormitory and up to Kravis Dormitory. I went around the science center and then went back home on the campus. So once I got on the other road, which was open, I merely did a loop of the campus. Today I read 1984 by George Orwell for about an hour.

George Orwell is a pen name for the real author, Eric Blair. I like the book a lot, and I am kind of obsessed with it in a way. Modern life is kind of like that described by Orwell. Of course, on the outside it is much different, but in the life of the modern mind it is much the same. People work in the same types of places as described in the novel (in big buildings with much bureaucracy), and they have to work in cubicles much of the time with a computer that they do useless things on. The day is the most beautiful out in a while, for it is cool out with cool breezes. The campus looked nice.

I was in Founders briefly, and I went through Founders on my way home. I noticed the black and white floor that looks like marble. I have not listened to music much at all lately, and I miss it some. Last night I read for about an hour and twenty minutes total. I read twice last night for forty minutes each, and I read some of the Orwell book during this time. I think that my sister is at her internship right now, and I wonder if she likes it. I miss Trinity College so much, and it hurts my heart just thinking about it. I want to return, but I cannot do so. This makes me feel sad. I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight. Last night I had chicken, baked beans, and sweet potatoes. I hope that I have something good tonight. My mom went shopping at Wild Oats in West Hartford last night, and she good a lot of yogurts.

That store is a wonderful place to shop. For lunch today I had a peanut butter and quince jelly sandwich. I like the quince jelly, and the brand of it is Hero. I guess that the stuff is made in Switzerland. I wonder when my sister returns to Wheaton College. I saw an old picture of Ann from her Chaffee yearbook dated 1964, and the yearbook was called Epilogue back then. My mom went to Hartford High School. I wonder if Mamaw has gotten her new books yet, and I hope that she has.

My dad brought her to Glastonbury today, and I think that it had something to do with the genealogy. Someday I might want to publish this journal, as it is special to me. Lately a note that Andrew Bartlett wrote to me a while ago has come back to me, for he called me a special person. Lately, I guess that I have thought of myself as a special person. Certainly, now with me having schizophrenia I have special needs. Sometimes people think of a special person as a retarded person in special education, but this is not what Andrew Bartlett meant when he wrote me the note. I am special because I am always trying to do

 

good. Maybe that is why I am special. Anyway, today I did not even put on my air conditioner. I feel comfortable in here though now I actually feel kind of hot. I wonder when my sister will get home today. The main character’s name in the Orwell book is Winston, so I wonder whether he was named after a cigarette. I am not sure what his last name is.

I would hate to live in the society Winston is put in though it is very much almost identical to the one that I live in now. That is unfortunate. Orwell, or Blair, went to Eton, which is a fine private high school in England. Eton is likely better than Loomis. I wonder if they have more money there than at Loomis. I still often look up to God, for He seems to be on my side. It stinks that I woke up at around eleven-thirty today.

I hope that I can continue doing God’s work though I am not exactly a priest. Still, one can do God’s work without being in the clergy or a priest. I am amazed at how nice it is outside these days. Well, I am already in the midst of my conclusion. I hope that the reader is doing well, and he or she should know that I have not forgotten them. I am glad that I wrote here today. I hope that I can stay out of the mental institution. I am really afraid of that place. So, now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, August 7 2002

 

I just recently was exercising, and I got tired out from that. I jogged to the River Trail, then walked on the trail, and then jogged the way back. I was out for about a half hour. I would guess that I jogged for about fifteen minutes in all. I read 1984 for about an hour today. I read it yesterday for a total of about two hours and twenty minutes, for I am nearly obsessed with it. The book is a masterpiece. I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight. I read a lot yesterday. The book is engrossing, and I want to always see what happens next. I am at the point of the book after Winston Smith meets O’ Brien and is reading the book that is the focal point of the so-called brotherhood, which is against Big Brother. If one reads the book, what I said is not confusing. The day is beautiful out. I got up too late today, though, for I got up at about eleven-thirty. This is far too late a time to get up.

Although I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s, I am not ready to do so, so I probably will not go tonight. I just do not feel up to the trip. There is not much on television these days. I feel kind of depressed right now maybe because I am tired out from exercising. Even that little bit of jogging took a lot out of me. I feel so tired right now, as the running took a lot out of me. I hear my sister talking on

the phone in the hall.  I wish that I was not so tired though it is not too bad. I feel kind of relaxed, actually. I kind of miss listening to music. I wonder when my sister returns to college. I am supposed to be back in less than a month, but there is no way that I will make it back there. I wonder if the reader can tell by my

 

writing that I am a bit tired, not that the writing is any worse but just is different. I am attached to my immediate needs in my writing, and I cannot think abstractly just yet. I had not run much before today, and maybe I should just stick with walking and riding my bike. I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s today, but I am not up for it. I wonder what there will be for dinner. I wanted to have a coffee yogurt today, but someone had already eaten it.

I have not had coffee in ages, and I am afraid of drinking coffee because of the caffeine content. Well, maybe I fear being social with my family by having coffee more than the fear of the caffeine content. I do not know what the case is, but if it were water, I probably would not mind drinking it with my family. It looks like some roses might come out in my small garden. I jogged at a good pace during the final several minutes or so of exercising. Before I had been jogging at a painfully slow pace. This evoked a feeling that I could run so much faster off of this medicine.

Now I have to write my conclusion. My sister probably is going to go to her internship tomorrow. “Tomorrow, tomorrow, I will love you tomorrow, it is going to be a brand new day.” I hope that God keeps me from all of my obsessions. I have got to keep up a good sense of humor. So, from a knight to all the knights out there I wish them happiness. I know that there are other modern knights out there whom I wish well. I have got to go now, but I am glad that I wrote here today. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, August 8 2002

 

I just recently got home from a bike ride. I did not have a very good time with it though, for I could barely pedal my body was so tired. Therefore, it was not very fun. My body simply does not work right. I read 1984 today for about an hour. I do not like the part where he is in prison and tortured, for it is too graphic really. The scenes are disgusting really. My sister is at her internship now. The day is wonderful outside really, and I just wish that I could have enjoyed it instead of laboring through my bike ride. I am getting towards the end of the George Orwell book. The part now is scary and offensive.

The people are constantly beating Winston Smith, and he is obviously having an awful time of things. I wish that I could have done better on the bicycle today, but I am just glad to be alive and kicking. The medicine cannot kill me, and the old saying goes that what does not kill me makes me stronger. My obsessions are still a problem, and they are really annoying. Trinity College will begin soon without me. I feel bad about this. I feel really bad about it. I dread dropping out of college for a second time, yet that is what I likely will do. I wonder how long it will be before my mind goes like my body, yet as long as I keep writing here I guess that I will be all right.

My body seems to be shot though. There is not much energy left in this body, and I am the one who takes the medicine every night. It is my will that

 

makes me take it, so it is my fault that my body is shot. I have the choice not to take the medicine, but I decide every night to take the soul-crushing stuff. At least if I did not take it, I would have some energy even if it was to run to a bridge to jump off of. Last night for dinner I had fish, which was pretty good though not excellent. I wonder when the birds in general begin to fly South. Fall seems to be fast approaching. I miss college so much.

I am looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s this Saturday, and visiting Mamaw is better than going to college. I know that I am giving college a hard sell. I think that Trinity College is a fine college, and better and less corrupt one than most. Yet even though it is only about twenty minutes away by car, I cannot go there. This seems a cruel fate. Yet staying at home has advantages, such as freedom to study what I want, good food, solitude, and getting up late in the morning. Today I got up at around ten-forty, I would say. I do not think that I slept as well as I wanted last night. Still, it seems like I slept enough. There was little good on television last night.

I just wish that I could ride a bike without it being nearly impossible to do so, and it feels like a gargantuan effort to merely pedal at a decent pace. Instead of running quickly for a half hour or an hour, here I am barely pedaling my bike and am at intervals feeling so tired that I feel like just stopping altogether and sleeping on the pavement. Now I am sure that the medicine takes its toll on my mind too, making me suffer there too in making me feel lethargic and dead. Yet I doubt that there will be a new medicine to help me out anytime soon. The people do not put a premium on people with schizophrenia. New medicine may come out for cholesterol and arthritis but not for schizophrenia. Even the name of my illness has a bad sound. My bike is in good condition. I feel kind of depressed now.

I have now got to write my conclusion. I hope that I have a good dinner tonight. I wonder when my sister returns to Wheaton College.

I still look up to God and realize how precious and valuable living is. I am entirely optimistic because of my past and because I believe in God. I am determined to conquer this schizophrenia. Someday if I keep believing some good will come of this illness. I have got to keep believing in God and searching for truth and justice. I have got to keep up my campaign of good. Well, I have got to go now. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Friday, August 9 2002

 

I just recently got home from a walk. I am reading A Short History of the World, and I do like the book, I guess. The book certainly is less terrifying than 1984. I finished that George Orwell book last night, and it was as scary as any horror movie. If there were a rating to be put on the third part of the novel, it would likely be rated R or even worse. There are so many brutal scenes of

 

torture and explicit scenes of horror in the book. I read the book for about a two hours and twenty-six minutes total yesterday, and I finished it last night.

I did not like the third part because of its graphic scenes of violence though I really wanted to know how the book ended. The first two parts, which did not have the violence in them, were a masterpiece. I do not know how I will deal with college now. The day is really beautiful out today. I had a good walk even though I was not walking fast. I passed a woman and her children. I passed a man, who used to be a relative regular on the trail, and his wife on the River Trail, and the man was smiling. My sister and my dad are home now, and my mom is at work.

I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight, and last night I had a superb dinner. I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. I must make sure that I go tomorrow. Last night I saw a small part of a movie on ABC called Excess Baggage, which looked pretty good. I did a lot of reading yesterday for me. I wanted to finish the novel: I knew that if I did not finish it last night, I would not finish it at all because of my obsessions. Well, I might have finished it, but it would have been hard to. The only reason why I read that book so quickly was to get through it before I had to say that I could not read it because of my obsessions about it. Well, I did read the entire book. The book was very powerful, but the third part could have been written better and more optimistically I think that Eric Blair could have come up with a positive utopia, which modern society could learn from.

As it stands, he writes of a negative utopia. All the scenes of torture with that machine with the dials and with the beatings could have been done away with. I wonder what will be on television tonight. I do not think that I have enough to eat during the day, for I feel hungry right now. For breakfast I had Mueslix, and for lunch I had two pieces of bread with hummus on them. I am looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. I miss Popee very much. I read A Short History of the World today for about fifty-seven minutes. I want to take it easy in academics today. I do not think that I will do any more reading today though I will not rule it out if I get too bored by the television. I feel hungry right now. The level of the Farmington River is low.

On the trail today I had the overwhelming desire to be on the beach and in the ocean. I wonder when my mom will get home today. Sometimes she gets home kind of late. Luckily, I did not hear anything from a concert in town if there even was one. I finished the book last night. I feel that the third part could have been made differently, and it reflects badly on Blair’s personality and puts doubts in my mind about the viability of Eton.

While in the first two parts of the book Blair appears to be in his writing a fine writer and a virtuous character, in the last book Blair reveals a dark side and tormented personality. In the first two books, I see an optimistic Blair. In the third book he almost destroys the first two books with his vivid portrayal of torture and reveals the worst in the human spirit. I cannot help but identify

 

some characteristics of the awful O’ Brien with that of the author himself. Further, in the end Winston Smith through torture has become a pawn of Big Brother, and he loses the battle with them by becoming one of them. So the story ends sadly. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I am really looking forward to getting out tomorrow and going to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I wonder how the new Trinity College addition to the library looks now, and I will bet that it looks beautiful. I miss college very much. Well, I guess that I am up for a marathon of watching television today to relax. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, August 10 2002

 

I just recently got home from exercising. I do not feel like reading that history book tonight, and I wonder if there are any good books out there for me. I am writing this at around eight o’ clock at night. I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house today, and I went with my mom to pick some blackberries at a house near Mamaw and Popee’s house though most of the berries were not ripe yet. My mom tried one berry, but it was sour. I read the history book for about a half hour, when I got home. Dinner tonight was really good with fish and shrimp.

I think that tomorrow Mamaw is coming over for dinner. Mamaw felt kind of under the weather today precisely because of the hot weather. I hope that I will be able to sleep all right tonight. I have been enjoying my time off from the psychiatrist. I wonder if the psychiatrist is having a good vacation. Right now it is almost pitch black out, and only the sky is not quite pitch black yet. My mom said that Mamaw did not sleep well last night. On television after dinner there was only arena football, which is a pretty poor sport, it seems. I am not really a fan of football. There are preliminary talks about a strike against Iraq, and I just hope that there are no chemical or biological weapons used in the fight.

I had a good time exercising at the end when I started jogging, for the medicine had some of the edge taken off from wearing off. My sister did not go to Mamaw and Popee’s today. I wish that I had a good book to read, for the history book is not something that I can get passionate about. Yet I feel that I should stick to this book through to the end so as not to waste any money. I think that the book was about fifteen dollars. I wonder what will be for dinner tomorrow night. I guess that Mamaw is coming over here tomorrow for dinner, as I said. I need some new T-shirts and socks.

I took the Suzuki today though my dad drove, and I kind of like that car.

My mom must be glad that she did not have work today, and she does not have to work tomorrow either. I really want some friends, and that hinges on whether a cure will be found for schizophrenia. Mamaw got some new books, I think.

While I was over there I had a piece of cake, which my mom said was a Boston cream cake. It cost $2.95, which seems a fine deal. I also had some watermelon over there. I went to the house to pick blackberries, which were on a vine on the back porch. The vine had blackberries on it with most of them still red and not

 

ready to be picked yet. I went to the house with my mom, and I carried along a big metal pan to put the berries in though it turned out that there were barely a handful that had turned color. My dad mowed the lawn at Mamaw and Popee’s house today. If it sounds like my life is boring, it is not. My life is full of surprises and good things. I know that I am not rich in money, but that does not matter.

My life is rich in meaning and in the way I live my life, and I have made good lifestyle choices. The only major thing impeding my life is my schizophrenia, or my illness, as I termed it on the front porch at Mamaw and Popee’s house today. Today was really hot out. My mom wanted to go to the cemetery today, but Mamaw seemed reluctant to go. Therefore when Mamaw asked me whether I wanted to go, I said that I did not want to today. When I began exercising today, I felt so incredibly tired. Then I seemed to forget about me being tired, and by the end of the run, I felt kind of happy about being outside and doing my exercising. Of course, I still wish that I could be off of the medicine, but I have to be grateful for the things that I do have. I wonder what is on television tonight.

I felt comfortable over at Mamaw and Popee’s house today. Mamaw seemed to me to be in fine spirits, as she always is. I think that there might be something with sauce for dinner tomorrow. So, maybe I will have spaghetti or lasagna, and I would not mind one of those things. Mamaw will probably bring something over for tomorrow. My parents, by the way, were in fine spirits too, it seems. Now I have got to write the conclusion to what will have been about a thirty-five-minute entry. I hope that I will be able to watch some television tonight in the living room. I am glad that I wrote tonight though, like I said, I am sad that I do not have a book that I can feel passionate about. I mean that I do not have a book of genius that is totally engrossing. Well, now I have got to go. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Monday, August 12 2002

 

I just recently got home from a walk in which the sun nearly burned me and turned me into lunch meat. This must be the hottest day of the year. I could not bear the heat, so I was out for about eighteen minutes. I am still feeling the sun now in my bones. I walked in the neighborhood. I wonder what is going to happen about Trinity College. I guess that I will not be going there, and I feel bad about that. I just cannot go on this medicine. I feel kind of tired right now. I finished the Shakespeare play The Comedy of Errors today. That comedy was kind of confusing. Still, I liked the play, which was funny.

Yesterday Mamaw came over for dinner. Today I saw some people, but I did not pass anyone really close to me. It was too hot for the people. I slept pretty well last night, but, unfortunately, I got up late. For lunch I had two pieces of bread with some soybean hummus, which left a heavy feeling in my stomach after eating them. I am reading Shakespeare from the complete Shakespeare

 

book that Carol gave me, when she was here in Connecticut recently. The book has all of the Shakespeare plays in it. I cannot believe how late I got up today, and I feel bad about that. I wish that it were not so hot out today. I am reading Henry VI right now, which is by Shakespeare. I wish that Shakespeare had not written about a war between England and France though. Still, I guess that I will like the play, but I just do not like a lot of violence. I wish that there were a cure for schizophrenia.

I had a good dinner last night because Mamaw was there. She talked about her whole family, and she mentioned the funny names that some of her family had. One name was Eural. Another was something like Loretta Henrietta, and one woman in her family lived to be 102 years old. I mentioned how I had run out of books to read, and I said that I wanted a book by an author like Dostoevsky. I mentioned that I was interested in Gorky but that he was hard to find. Mamaw asked me if I would be interested in Tom Clancy, but I said that I liked the classics, not popular books. I kind of felt bad about saying that. I should have mentioned that I did not like popular books because of the modern things in them, like televisions and airplanes, and that I did not like the modern world but liked the simple world of, say, the nineteenth century better.

I cannot believe how hot it is today, and I will bet that it is in the high nineties or even in the one hundreds today. The Comedy of Errors is a fine play, but it is not plausible since the dress of the twins would have separated them off from one another. I ate a whole lot last night for dessert. I had some pastry and a chocolate-chip cookie. Then later on at night, when I become a glutton by watching television, I ate part of a chocolate cake. My mom and my sister made the chocolate cake after having watched the movie called Chocolat that Mamaw lent us and that was out from the library.

Mamaw and my mom went to an antiques store in Windsor yesterday. Mamaw told how quickly my mom walks, and she does walk quickly. Liz said that my mom would be a good runner. I suggested that she start exercising by jogging or by mixing up jogging and walking. I mentioned that 1984 was the scariest book that I have ever read, and Mamaw asked me what it was about. By the way, I finished that book last week, in case I did not mention it. I think that I finished it Thursday night of last week. I told her about how there was torture in the third part of the book. I told her about the thought police and about the three classes, which are the proletarians, the outer party, and the inner party.

Now I have got to write my conclusion. I think that I will walk the final twelve minutes of exercising this afternoon. I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight. Last night I had two pieces of corn and spaghetti with tomato sauce for dinner. There was a lot talked about last night, and I did not mention all of it. Well, now is the time to go. I am off, fair reader. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, August 13 2002

 

The weather is not conducive to exercise. It is boiling hot outside. I read Shakespeare for about an hour today. I listened to Mozart’s Third and Fifth Violin Concertos last night. I wish that it were not so hot out, and I hope that it cools down later. Trinity College is fast approaching, and I guess that I should let them know that I am not going to return there. I just recently had a snack of peach ice cream and a fudge popsicle, and they were good. I think that my sister is working now. I am reading the Shakespeare play called Henry VI, which has three parts, and it is probably Shakespeare’s longest play. I cannot believe how hot it is out. I had an awful night last night and an awful morning.

I was woken up by the oppressive heat early this morning, so I did not sleep very well last night. I got up at about ten-thirty, but then I was swooning in bed for what seems like forever. I was so tired that I even put my head down twice for some minutes because I was helpless in the face of the exhaustion forced on me by the medicine. I wonder when it is going to cool down today. I wonder if there will be anything worthwhile on television tonight. I must have been woken up about ten times this morning, until my body just could not take drifting off and then being woken up again.

The Shakespeare play is pretty good though it has a lot of violence in it. The whole play seems centered around the war between the English and the French. Right now the English besieged the town of Orleans in France. I am not sure if this play is based on history or is made up. In other words, obviously, I do not know if there was a war that existed with the characters indicated, and the characters are almost all noblemen.

I feel kind of cold in this room, for the air conditioner is on. I was wondering today what I could possibly do to go to school, and I thought about turning evil, taking Ativan, or going to the hospital. Well, the fact is, upon reflection, that I do not want to do either of those things. I hope that it cools down soon so that I can go out for a walk today. I think that my sister works until about two-thirty at the switchboard at Loomis now. I am not sure if her internship is over though. I would hate to work at the switchboard, for it would be so boring. Last night my sister went to Wheaton College to see some friends, I think. Those fudge popsicles are good, and they are made by Hendries. I like the character Joan of Arc in the Shakespeare play, and allied with her is the dauphin of France, dauphin being another name for king.

I am going to need to get a haircut soon. I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight, and last night I had watermelon and some chicken with rice.

Yesterday it was really hot, and I was boiling on my walk. I walked about twelve minutes yesterday, when it was cooler, thus bringing the exercise total yesterday up to about a half hour total. Today is extremely hot too, and I must be in the middle of a heatwave. I feel comfortable in here, though, for it is cool in here.

My mom is at work now, and it is about three o’ clock now. I had an awful morning today, and I did not sleep too well last night. This is a surprise, for I usually sleep well. The oppressive heat last night seemed to disrupt things. I

 

have not been able to jog or to ride my bike recently because of all of the heat. I miss Popee.

I wonder a lot about my roots. I know that on my mom’s side my relatives are originally from England and Scotland or Ireland, yet on my dad’s side there is some doubt. Anyway, that is a project for the future. Now I have got to write my conclusion, as it is that time to go now. I was swooning for the whole morning essentially, and this is no fun. I wish that I had slept better, for then the swooning might not have been as much. I wonder how it is outside now. I will bet that it has not gotten cooler yet, for it seems to be too early for that. I hope that tomorrow I will get up and stay up more. Now I have got to go. I wish the reader well. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, August 14 2002

 

I have not had a good day, and I have not been able to do much. I looked through some old Chaffee yearbooks. I feel awful. Today it is really hot. I slept pretty well, but I was not able to read or walk today. I want to go to Trinity College so bad, but it looks like I cannot go. That is too bad, and I am depressed about that. This medicine is terrible. I feel awful. There is nothing to do. There really is nothing to do. I feel depressed. I do not know what to do.

I think that my sister is at work. Last night it was very hot. I wonder if there is any way for me to return to college. I have tried nearly everything. I tried reading Virginia Woolf ’s second volume of her diary, Faces at the Bottom of the Well by Derrick Bell, Shakespeare, and A Short History of the World, but to no avail. I did not feel like reading Shakespeare today. It is already about two o’ clock, and I have not been able to do much. I feel awful. I do not know what I will do today, but I hope that I do not get psychotic. I hate this medicine. I will obviously have to think of something to do. I wish that it were not so hot today and that I was not so depressed.

I am likely suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Well, maybe not.

I think that my mom would have done well at Chaffee. I keep singing “Cruel Summer” in my head, and today just seems like a cruel day. I wish that I did not feel so bad. I still look up to God. I hope that I will be able to walk today. I will bet that it is extremely hot out now. I wonder if I will ever publish my journal. I would like to get famous, I guess, though that would probably drive me crazy. I feel so awful right now, and I hope that I feel better later. I wish that it was not so hot out. I wish that I did not have schizophrenia and that there would be a cure for it, as it is a terrible disease.

I hate the illness. I really hate it. I cannot do much with this medicine, which takes away all of my natural thoughts even though it also takes away my psychotic thoughts. I wonder how I would live if I were psychotic. Maybe it is my fault that I got psychotic. Maybe it really was my fault. I just wish that it was in my hands to get rid of my schizophrenia, as I would do it in a second. I would

 

also do it if it took a long time. I am not looking forward to watching television tonight.

I must hold out hope. I must not despair, for God is with me. I must always be optimistic for the future, when I might have some good friends. I am just having a bad day, but the future looks bright. I am glad that I am expressing my feelings now. This entry shows my depression. It also shows my strength and bravery. I must not beat myself up too much, or that would be wrong. Well, now I have got to write my conclusion. So far my day has been a shipwreck, a total disaster except for this entry. I am just having a bad day. I could have slept better last night were it cooler. I hope that the reader is doing all right, and I wonder if he or she likes my journal entries. Anyway, now I have got to go. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Friday, August 16 2002

 

It is unfortunate that the heatwave is still here. I wonder when it will end. I finished Part One of Henry VI today, and I read into part of Part Two. The end of Part One ends with a peace agreement between England and France. On Wednesday I was depressed and in bad shape. I did not write yesterday because on Wednesday night I read some old entries of my journal for about an hour.

The entries that I read were from when I was reading Dracula, which I think was in September and October.

Yesterday I read for about two hours and ten minutes, and I walked for about a half hour then too. I only read today for about fifty minutes, not the usual hour early on. I think that getting up late was the culprit of lowering my reading time early on. I wish that I had not gotten up so late. I did not sleep as well as I would have liked last night, and I woke up feeling tired. This is a bad feeling. So, I did not get up feeling rested this morning. I seem to entirely lack a will before I finally get up. Trinity College is fast approaching, and I miss it terribly.

I hope that this heatwave will end soon. I am looking forward to fall. My sister goes back to school soon, and I wonder what she will do when she graduates from Wheaton College. I want to go for a walk today, and maybe it will be cool enough to walk shortly after I finish this entry. Since I got up so late today, I might have to scale back my academics. I cannot believe how late I finally got up today. The play that I am reading is kind of boring.

I liked Shakespeare’s sense of humor in The Comedy of Errors. There is so much talk between the various royal people, and these people are given so much pomp and circumstance. Some have morals, and some do not. For example, the cardinal Winchester seems an evil man. Others care for England. I cannot believe how late I got up today, and that is really pitiful.

I miss the Westfarms Mall a lot. My obsessions are as annoying as ever, and they tell me to do crazy things. I have my air conditioner on now on low

 

power. This afternoon I ate two energy bars, which were all right but not too great. There is not much on the news these days. There might be an upcoming war with Iraq, yet I do not think that the international community is behind it. I hope that there is a war with the United States against Iraq, for otherwise Iraq might get nuclear weapons and use them on this country at will.

The economy does not seem to be doing too well. Stocks are not doing too well. I want to get a haircut next week. Tomorrow I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I miss college, and Trinity College starts in a couple of weeks.

The college is such a nice one, but I must not pine after it too much, and I must be grateful for staying out of the mental hospital. I hated the mental hospital so much, and I would not want to go back there with all of those blood tests and stuff. That place is terrible to stay in.

My dad is going to go back to school soon, and I wonder when he starts.

After I write this, I will likely go on a walk if it is not too hot out. Yesterday I went for a walk, and I saw two ladies in front of me. There were some people digging on a trail that leads through a forest that leads to the River Trail. This trail is unpaved, is rarely used, and is very short. I think that they were digging to find something, as there was an orange sign up that said something like “survey team” on it.

Now I have got to write my conclusion. So, I completed part of the Shakespeare play today, and I kind of want to get some new books soon. I hope that I will be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house tomorrow. I also hope that this heatwave ends very soon. Well, I wonder how the reader is doing, and I hope that the reader is doing all right. I feel better today than I did on Wednesday.

Now I have got to go. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, August 17 2002

 

Things have not been going too well. I read some comic books today for about an hour. I slept terribly last night, so I could not do much today. I read some Spider-Man comic books, which were interesting. There were a lot of ads for video-game software for the Nintendo, and these ads brought back some memories for sure.

I did not go to Mamaw and Popee’s today, but Mamaw is coming over here for dinner. I felt too tired to read Shakespeare, and God gave me comfort in reading comic books. God is on my side. I wonder when Mamaw will come over, and what there will be for dinner tonight. Right now it is deadly hot out. I did not have the energy today to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I feel tired right now and kind of cranky in mood, and it seems that my obsessions are more annoying when I am tired. I just did not sleep well at all last night.

I just felt that it was too hot to walk today, and this feeling was probably from my not sleeping well last night. The main thing is that I did not sleep well last night, and this has haunted me a lot today. I need some new T-shirts. Most

 

of my T-shirts seem to be ripped in some place or other. If I lived in a bigger house, then I likely would not have such trouble sleeping because I would likely not be right next to the bathroom as I am now. There would be noise insulation, so to speak, in a bigger house.

My mom thinks that Mamaw will be here at around four-forty. Last night, among other things, a ladybug was flying around the room. There always seems to be a ladybug in this room flying around the light. Also, there are many other very small bugs that get in and fly around the light. I like ladybugs though. They are friendly and will hook up on one’s hand if the hand is in their way. This is how I bring them out of my room. I wonder again what there will be for dinner. My sister is likely to go to school soon. The outlook looks bleak for me, though, for it does not look like I will return. In my head I have this really funny commercial for Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit gum. The commercial is about this lady who is singing a kid’s song about sharing, and a big stuffed orange whale steals the gum from her pocket. Then she runs at the person and jumps on him, bringing him to the ground with a ripped arm.

The song itself is really catchy. Yesterday night I started reading some comic books, and I read them for a total of about an hour. These comic books appeal to me, even though I know that I am too old for them, for they stimulate the imagination with pictures of superheroes. I liked reading the X-Force comic books last night, and today I think that I focused on Spider-Man. I wonder when Mamaw will come over. I wonder what will be on television tonight. I know that the movie Spider-Man, which came out fairly recently, did incredibly at “the box office,” as they say.

Some of the characters in Spider-Man that I read were Hobgoblin and Ghost Rider. The comics that I read were all in the first twenty issues. I have two special edition No.1 Spider-Man comics, one in silver and the other in gold. These are likely worth pretty much. Well, I have likely been talking too much about comic books today, but they can be isles of retreat for kids, as the themes are for the most part moral.

Now I have got to write my conclusion. I am glad that I wrote here today. I feel so tired now that I feel like I have written this in a dream, and I almost feel sick. For some reason though the heat did not bother me this morning, which is good. I hope that I sleep well tonight. I need some good sleep though in Spider- Man this hero did not sleep well in one issue for ten days. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, August 18 2002

 

Right now it is very hot out. It is ridiculous that I woke up today at about eleven-forty. I managed to read Henry VI for about an hour. Getting up so late is ridiculous really. I cannot believe myself. Yesterday Mamaw came over for dinner. Last night I went on a walk for about a half hour. The big positive thing about last night was that I slept well, and I am glad about this. I think that today

 

is the last day of the heatwave. That is good. I wish that I had not gotten up so late.

My sister went to Boston last night. Mamaw told her to watch out for those boys. I wonder when my sister goes to college again. I guess that I will have to inform Trinity College that I will not be returning there this fall. I am glad that I read some Shakespeare today though I had some trouble understanding all of it. My concentration was not up to par. Right now it is unfortunate that it is quite hot in my room.

I think that my sister is home now. I really hope that the heatwave does end tomorrow. Last night on television I watched some football, which is so boring. Then I saw part of a movie called Bull Durham, which was also kind of boring because it was about baseball, and I wonder why there are no movies made about tennis players. For lunch today I had two pieces of bread with hummus. I miss playing my trumpet. There are even trumpets playing in Shakespeare, and they are played to indicate royalty, I guess. Gloucester left the royal circle because his wife was accused truly of being a witch.

The king is intensely religious. He orders those involved in conjuring to be executed, but since Gloucester’s wife was a noble, she was exiled from the realm. There is a verbal assault on the side between Gloucester and the cardinal Winchester. They both were planning a meeting in which they would fight. This reminds me of when in middle school, Matthew Taylor wanted to fight me. In an ironically nice way, he asked me if I wanted to fight after school. I was not the kind of person to get into a fight, so I told him that I did not want to. Yesterday at dinner I mentioned how I did not like middle school, and the truth is that I hated middle school because the teachers and students were horrible. They were horrible people. Therefore, in seventh grade my grades suffered.

I remember in seventh grade my algebra teacher had me stay after class to my dismay one time, and she told me that I was flunking the class. I felt worse about the way this witch was talking to me than about the grade. That was the only failing grade that I ever received for a final grade in my entire life. I think that my sister is going to be here for about another two weeks before heading off to Wheaton College, and I wonder how she likes that college. She said that it was easy as compared with Loomis Chaffee. There is a new teacher who is living in the next-door neighbor’s third floor, and my dad let her borrow a fan. My sister said that she was spunky.

Today is very hot, so I guess that I am still in the heatwave. Mamaw has felt bad with the heat too though she has nice air conditioners. I am glad that Mamaw came over for dinner last night. I need to get a haircut this week. I wonder if getting up near noon destroys my brain. Surely being awake for only about ten hours has a detrimental influence on my health. People should be up for nearly twice that long, it seems, which is bad news for me. I just have to keep searching for truth and justice.

 

I hope that I will be able to walk some this afternoon. I wonder what is on television today. It is annoying that many of my shirts now have holes in them.

Now I have got to write my conclusion. I am glad that I wrote here today. I am looking forward to the heatwave ending, and this heatwave has been the worst heatwave that I can remember. Therefore, I will be glad when it ends. I feel kind of like trapped in something during this heatwave. I just feel trapped. I am looking forward to the fall and to the cool weather that it brings. I hate this heatwave. I wish that my air conditioner was working well. I wonder what my sister will do when she graduates from college, and I hope that she finds a good job. Now I have got to go fair reader. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Monday, August 19 2002

 

The weather did not seem to cool down today, but I was hoping that it would. I am still reading the second part of Henry VI. I feel kind of anxious because the time that Trinity College starts is fast approaching, and my dad mentioned me taking a course there today. My sister’s job at the Loomis Chaffee switchboard is over now though she still has her internship with Jeanne. I woke up at a decent time today of around ten-forty. I cannot help thinking about Trinity College.

I hope that they give me another sick leave. I will bet that Mary Thomas will be disappointed in me. I will bet that my parents will be disappointed that I do not go to college too. The Shakespeare play is pretty interesting. I hope that I will be able to exercise today. I have not ridden my bike or jogged for a while, it seems. I have a psychiatrist appointment this Monday. I would like to get my haircut this week. There is some humor in this Shakespeare play when Cade leads the common people against the royalty in England. It is really funny that Cade calls himself king. I did not sleep too well last night, as I kept getting up because of the high heat. I hope that it will cool down a lot late this afternoon.

I am near the end of the second part of Henry VI though I like some of Shakespeare’s other plays better. So far in the play the cardinal Winchester has died, and his dying cursing made the others think that he lived an evil life.

Suffolk had his head cut off on a ship at sea. The queen was distraught when she saw his head, for she had a romantic interest in him. I want to get my haircut on Wednesday. On my walk yesterday I noticed a lot of wildlife, including a goldfinch and a frog. The frogs that I have seen lately on the River Trail have been small, and they hop away when I approach them.

The goldfinch had a yellow body and black wings, and it is funny how nature creates a perfect match of colors. Today I have been thinking a lot about going to Trinity College. I could think of no way of being able to go besides becoming evil. If I was evil, then I could handle worldly college. I really want to go for a walk today. I have recently seen some big birds, which might be storks. They seem to fly without companions, or alone. Whereas I see robins and crows

 

together, I see these big birds alone. They have a long neck and big beaks, and they fly gracefully and slowly. Well, this is the first day of my mom’s work week. She must be depressed about this. My dad is going to return to Loomis Chaffee soon. I guess that from now on the temperatures are going to lessen, which will be good. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I wish that I slept better last night, but it was just so hot out. So, it looks like I will not be going to Trinity College this fall, and that situation really stinks. I have so much invested in that college. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, August 20 2002

 

I just got home from a terrible bike ride. I could barely pedal, and I did not have enough energy to go for a full half an hour. I am wearing my new Adidas shirt, which my mother bought me last night along with a Nike shirt. I was so tired on my bike ride that I could not go on, and I was out in all for about seventeen minutes. I read Shakespeare today for about an hour, and I finished Part Two of Henry VI. I feel bad that I could barely pedal, and my physical energy keeps getting worse as time goes on because of the medicine. The bike ride was horrible. I feel so tired even now. Mamaw came over for about fifteen minutes last night. I went on about a ten-minute walk with my mom last night because it was too hot to do much. I feel so tired. My mom said that my dad called the college yesterday. I want to get a haircut tomorrow. I hope that Trinity College extends my sick leave this year. I am off now after having written for about eight minutes. I am too tired to go on. Bye bye.

I am back, and I feel much better after a walk. I was out for about a half an hour on the walk. Right now it is after dinner, and I took a walk almost right after dinner. So here I am to write now. Tonight I want to write for about a half hour, which is the usual time that I write for an entry. I did not feel good this afternoon, as what I wrote before shows. I felt really bad because I failed to ride my bike. What might have contributed to this failure was that there was a construction vehicle in my path, and I had to turn back on the River Trail. Then some confusion ensued about what to do, and this might have made me loath to keep riding.

Sometimes hardship in the mind can make me tired, and I was mad at those people in the vehicle for turning me off of my path on the River Trail. Today is a beautiful day though, and I had a nice walk. I passed a man and his dog. Although I saw someone else with dogs in the path ahead, I did not get a good look at him or her because it was time to turn back (I had gone out for about fourteen minutes). I did not wait till fifteen because I did not want the person ahead of me to see me turn around in my tracks. My sister and my mom went to Mamaw and Popee’s tonight. I am wearing my new Adidas shirt, which is pretty nice. The dogs near by have been barking a lot today, and that is kind of annoying. So, failures earlier today have translated into some success tonight.

 

For dinner tonight I had two burritos, which my dad made. Tomorrow I really want to get my haircut, as my hair is way too out of control right now. I slept well last night, it seemed, which is good. I think that Mamaw had a busy day yesterday, and then she came over here.

My sister, I guess, had her internship today. She works for like Cronin and Company or something like that, as I heard from my mom. The burritos tonight were good, and I like the salsa sauce. I do not even think that the burritos were full of fat, for I used refried beans instead of ground beef in my burrito. I did not notice much wildlife on the River Trail today, as it seemed somewhat less active than usual, I guess.

I wonder when my mom and my sister will be home tonight. I felt really tired this afternoon, and I could barely pedal. Yet tonight I had a good walk probably since my medicine is wearing off. I really need a haircut badly. The house is kind of a mess, and my room needs to be vacuumed. I still have my comic books out though I do not expect to read them much at all. They are just so hard to get into, except for those Spider-Man comics, which are easy to read and which do not have much of a plot.

My mom bought me two new shirts from the Enfield Mall last night. On the walk that I had with her I told her that I did not want to return in the fall, and she said that that was all right. She thought that I could stay on sick leave for as long as I wanted, which was a comment that I hope proves to be true. Today really is a beautiful day, for it is not too hot. I did not see any frogs today on the River Trail. There is not much going on in the news these days, and there might be an attack on Iraq by the United States. I just hope that things could be settled without a war.

Needless killings would ensue if there was one. On the news there was shown a dog being exposed to some chemical by a terrorist, and it showed the dog die. This should surely have been kept from the public. Any such gruesome spectacle should not have been shown to me. I resent the news for showing that video. The poor dog was killed, I guess, using a gas, like cyanide.

Today I watched some of a movie called The Great Outdoors, which was a comedy. There usually is not much on in the afternoon though that movie was a pretty decent one. On Monday I have a psychiatrist appointment, which will kind of disturb me. I do not like going there once a week, for then my academics suffer. I do less, it seems, when I have to go somewhere. I like going to Mamaw and Popee’s once a week, but if I had it my way, that would be all that I would like to go to. That would be my ideal schedule with time, of course, for going to the bookstore when I need to get new books.

I hope that I sleep all right tonight. My obsessions were out of control last night, but I did not let them take over my life. I just ignored them for the most part, and that worked out all right. I owe God for being there for me. I am looking forward to the next time that I go to the bookstore. I am really looking forward to the time if there is such a time when I will be able to return to Trinity

 

College. I wonder when the official first day of fall is. Today my dad went to his office, which is a fine thing to do. His office is on the third floor of Founders, and he said that it was hot up there. I guess that school starts soon for him. I do not know what happened to me earlier today, but now I feel better. I hope that there is something good on television tonight. There usually is little good news on the news.

Now I have got to write my conclusion. I talked a lot today, for I felt relieved that I was able to walk and to write tonight. The failures of this afternoon will help me in the long run. On the River Trail this upcoming fall I wonder if I will run into any people whom I know from Loomis Chaffee. I cannot believe that I graduated from Loomis about seven years ago. So much crazy stuff has happened since then, and I mean that metaphorically. I hope that the reader is doing all right, and I must not lose sight of the reader in these entries that I write. Now I have got to be off. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, August 21 2002

 

I just recently got home from a walk. I got my haircut today. I also read Shakespeare for about an hour. I was out for a walk for about a half hour. The day is quite hot, but not as hot as it was during that terrible heatwave. My sister is home today. I have not talked to anyone from Trinity College yet, but I hope that my parents do not have to pay any money to the college. In Shakespeare it is a surprise that York dies. York dies, what a surprise. That rhymes. Today I am wearing my new blue Nike shirt, which I like except for the slightly retro look of it. I did get a haircut today, and I like it. The television is always on there, which might be nice for the people getting their haircut but not for the barbers to listen to it a lot. The first names of the father and son who work there are Fred and Frank, and I think that they own the place. A haircut costs thirteen dollars, and I gave a three-dollar tip. So the cut cost me sixteen dollars. Well, it was money from my parents, actually. I think that my sister is watching television right now.

I think that the U.S. Open tennis tournament will be here soon. I would like to see Agassi win the thing, or if not him then Sampras. I know that Sampras does not have much of a shot at it. Agassi, I guess, is ranked third in the world now behind Safin and Hewitt. Safin is No.2, and Hewitt No.1. I walked to the barber shop today, and I passed a lot of people in the town. There were some people at CVS. On the way to the barber shop, I saw a family, which was playing on the town green, and by the water fountain in the middle of the town. There were some ugly chairs set up in front of the town hall, and a toddler with that family that I mentioned. The woman was kind of stupid for telling the toddler to stop running since the toddler was heading towards the street, yet would never have made it all the way over to the street.

There was a person getting his haircut in front of me. A man came in asking the barber if he had found any wallet that the man’s father had lost. I do

 

not remember the barber’s name, whether it is Fred or Frank. It was the son who cut my hair. He commented on this part of the news in which the relative of a supposed criminal said that this criminal did not do it. The barber made fun of this and said that he thought that the criminal had a big rap sheet. I asked him what he said, for the way he said what he thought was not clear to me. I wanted to say something, but I could not if I did not understand what he had said. I am wearing my new Nike shirt today, like I mentioned before.

The shirt is baby blue with a yellow stripe and then a navy-blue stripe above it. On the blue stripe is the word Nike. On my left sleeve I have the same design though obviously the stripes are much shorter, and instead of the Nike name is the logo. I wonder how my cousin John is doing. I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight. I had a good dinner last night. I slept well last night, and I got up probably about ten-thirty. Last night I saw two episodes of a good comedy called “According to Jim.”

I cleaned up my room last night, which did not take long at all. The room still needs to be vacuumed though. I had a good walk today. Today my dad got a lot of vegetables, which I saw on the table. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I am glad that I wrote today. I am so relieved to finally get a haircut. I was gone for about thirty-seven minutes in all, which is not too much time to be out for a haircut. I am lucky that there is a barber shop in the middle of town.

Today is quite hot. I did not see any frogs today on the River Trail. I passed the survey party, and it looks like they were not digging for much. I should not judge them though, I guess. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, August 22 2002

 

Now it is official. I am on sick leave from Trinity College until I get better. I just spoke to Linda Gilbert in the office of the registrar, and she extended my sick leave. It is haunting me though the thought that maybe I did not extend the leave but just dropped out and that I will no longer have the option to return.

This thought has no merit, though, yet I know that it will torture me over the years or months. I talked to Mary Thomas earlier, and she said that she was optimistic about me coming back and that she was busy. When she said that she was optimistic about me returning, it seemed as if she were sad to see me go. The day is beautiful, and I had a nice walk. Yet I was thinking about Trinity College the whole time about whether Linda Gilbert would call.

Last night Mamaw came over for dinner. There was a huge dinner, and Mamaw brought a good fruit salad that had, among other things, good peaches. I have a psychiatrist appointment on Monday. I really feel like calling Linda Gilbert back and asking her if my sick leave was extended, but that would not be a good thing. I am going to miss Trinity College, but I have a sick leave as my insurance policy, so to speak. I read some of Henry VI today for about an hour.

That book is pretty good.

 

I passed a survey party on my walk today. They were digging far down on the side trail that is dirt. They are using shovels, and one man was sifting through the sand with some sort of apparatus. Linda Gilbert wished me a good fall, and Mary Thomas sounded good. She did not ask me what I have been doing, though, and I got a hint that she was treating me kind of like a child. This might have been completely innocent, though, for she might think that I am in much worse shape than I am in.

In Shakespeare, Warwick has surprisingly turned on the sons of the late Duke of York. One of the sons of the late duke was king, but Warwick turned on him because he married Lady Grey, whom Warwick thought was below the king. Warwick had gone to France to get Lady Bona, who was sister to the King of France, to marry the present king, who was the late Duke of York’s son. Yet the king took this Lady Grey, which Warwick thought was an ignoble thing to do. I saw this terrible movie last night with Tori Spelling in it. Yet it was not too bad, for I watched it through. There was not much else on last night.

I have been having obsessions about not finishing the Henry VI trilogy because there is now a character in it named Lady Grey, which sounds like the last name of my former friend Andrew, who was a faculty kid. I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight, and last night there was tons of stuff to eat, including squash, meat, corn, salad, fruit salad, and biscuits. I was surprised that Mamaw came over last night, and I am ashamed to say that I was kind of mad about it because I had had a full day and wanted to relax by watching television. Mamaw seemed fine last night, and she talked some about different things, like her cleaning people, vacuums, and my cousin John. I have that psychiatrist appointment on Monday, which is, unfortunately, something that I am not looking forward to. So, I will have to start up with those appointments again. I wonder what will be for dinner tonight. I think that my dad mentioned that the family would have fish tonight. For lunch today I ate light, having some tuna fish and a peach Stonyfield Farm yogurt.

I do hope that my obsessions will not stop me from finishing the Henry VI trilogy. I hope that my mind does not get tortured by my thoughts of not being able to return to college when I get better. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I am glad that I called Trinity College today, and hat was an important step for me. Now I should enjoy my sick leave and have a nice fall, like Linda Gilbert said. Yet I wish that my fall would be spent on the campus of Trinity College, where I could study in the new library wing. I wonder whether any good shows will be on television tonight. It is good that I still have quite vivid and good dreams. My sister is at work now with Jeanne’s company. No, Jeanne does not own the company. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Friday, August 23 2002

 

I just recently got home from a walk. Earlier I was reading A Short History of the World by J. M. Roberts, and I finished reading Henry VI last night. Yesterday in all I read for about two hours and ten minutes, and so last night I finished the trilogy. Today I went back to that history book, which is not as good as Shakespeare, I dare say. Still, the book is all right. I am almost through with the section about Byzantine history. There is this television show that many people watch and that is wildly popular called “American Idol.” I have not watched an episode yet, as I obviously am not swayed by popular opinion.

The history book touched on Russia and the so-called Slavs. I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tonight, but I do not think that I will go because I am afraid of the drive. I mean that I feel that I might feel kind of on edge during the drive. I have talked to the psychiatrist so much about my fear of driving or even being a passenger that I feel like I almost have to repeat myself when I talk about going places and my fear thereof. The Shakespeare play ended with Edward, the son of the late Duke of York, keeping the throne though his ugly brother Richard wants to kill his brothers to get the crown. All that Richard wants to do is to take the crown from his brother Edward.

So, the play does not necessarily end happily ever after. Richard kills Henry VI in the tower, which I guess is the prison in London. Richard is pretty much pure evil since he does not care for his brothers Clarence and Edward. I had a good walk today for about a half hour, and on the River Trail I passed a family with three very young kids. I read for about an hour today. I saw someone mowing the lawn and going quite fast on a mower on which one sits down. I am really annoyed right now by this soccer ball on the lawn, for my obsessions tell me I cannot concentrate until that ball is moved out of my sight. I will have to do as well as I can though with it there, as I do not want to move it right now.

Last night some boy came over to see Liz at around ten o’ clock. Today my dad had a doctor’s appointment, which is where I think that he is now. It is amazing how many holy wars were fought throughout time. By this I mean people fighting essentially for God, and to spread religion. I cannot believe how much hype is made out of the show “American Idol.” There is so much hype around it. There is a lot of hype about the three judges of the show.

I do not see what all the hype is about. I wonder when my mom will get home. I wonder if there will be any good Friday night movies on tonight. I am not looking forward to my psychiatrist appointment Monday, and I am just being honest. Last night it was good that there was no concert in town that I know of. I read a lot yesterday, and I am so glad that I finished Henry VI. So, I read two plays from Carol’s Signet Complete Shakespeare.

Well, now the book is mine. It is a yellow hardcover book with golden lettering on the front, and Carol was nice to give that book to me. I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house tonight, but I do not think that I will. I have not been over there for about two weeks now. Maybe I overextended myself last night.

 

Maybe I should have done less last night so that I could go on Saturday all right, for now I do not think that I will go tomorrow because of the commotion last night with the boy coming over and with the loud air conditioner that I felt I had to put on to cool my room. Yet I did, of course, turn off the air conditioner before I went to bed. The soccer ball just sits in the yard mocking me.

I wonder what will be on the news tonight. I am curious to know when the Bush administration will wage a war on Iraq. That last sentence sounded like a part of the news. Anyway, I hope that there is on some good movie or some good shows tonight. The U. S. Open tennis tournament is coming up, and I wonder who will end up winning that on the men’s and women’s sides. Maybe I should get into some C. G. Jung stuff, as Popee liked him a lot. I studied him at Loomis, and I liked him more that that other scholar that I read in that class named Sigmund Freud. These are famous names, of course.

Now I have got to write my conclusion. The day is cool, and so fall is coming soon. I just hope that there will not be another heatwave coming on. I am so ready for fall to come, and all that is lacking is my being off boarding at Trinity College and a cure for my illness. Even if I got into Harvard, I would want to continue and to finish my education, as they say, at Trinity College. Even if I got into Oxford, I would still want to go to Trinity College in Hartford, Connecticut. Now I am off fair reader. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, August 25 2002

 

I just recently got home from a walk. I saw some people, but I did not see many. I started Les Miserables last night, and I read it last night for about forty minutes. Yesterday afternoon after I got home from Mamaw and Popee’s house, I went for a walk for about a half hour. I hope that I have a good dinner tonight.

Les Miserables is a pretty good book, and I might stick with it. The only flaw of it is that it is so long. The book is by Victor Hugo, it is set in France, and the main character so far is a bishop. Today is quite warm, and the sun felt hot on me on my walk. What would be nice today is a nice rain. I wonder what is on television today. I read the book for about an hour today. I wish that I could run fast, but I cannot do so. Tomorrow I have the psychiatrist appointment.

I had a good walk today on the River Trail. Some stuff, little bits of something, was falling from a tree, and there were those bits on the trail near the tree. I did not see any people fishing in the pond today. My family is out at the cemetery to see Popee’s grave. I wish that I would have gone yesterday though there to the cemetery. I want to visit him there. The cemetery is a peaceful burying place for Popee. I wonder if I am a weak individual, and, therefore, this is why I look up to God so much. Or maybe it is that I am a strong person. Being weak and strong can be the same thing. I think that these things form a spark of interest from a conversation between the good and pious bishop and a rich noble government figure. I am certainly weak physically, but mentally I might still be

 

vigorous. Also, I might be stronger than I think physically, for after all I can walk all right and upright like a human being. I wonder when my family will return.

Yesterday there was not much on television, and there probably will not be much on television tonight either. I am glad that I saw Mamaw yesterday. I looked briefly through one of her photograph albums, and I saw some old pictures, which were good. There was a cool picture of Popee in front of an airplane that he flew, and I will bet that flying that was fun. I miss Popee. I miss talking to him. Mamaw is doing well. She reads the Bible and some commentary on it at night. During the day she reads modern novels. I am wearing the worst outfit that I have worn in a while. I am wearing ugly green Gap shorts, which are the culprit, and they are to blame for my bad outfit. I wanted to wear long pants today, but it is too hot for that.

Mamaw showed me a pedigree chart of the Taylor family that goes back to William the Conqueror. I am a direct descendant of the same William the Conqueror that Henry VI was related to. This is the same Henry VI that Shakespeare wrote about. Also, I noticed that Margaret of Anjou was listed as the bride of Henry VI on the pedigree chart.

This is the same Margaret of Anjou whom I guess Shakespeare wrote about. My dad and my mom brought home some books from Mamaw and Popee’s house. I brought home four books. I got a book on learning Greek, the basic writings of Freud, Les Miserables, and Volume I of The Mysteries of Paris. I usually do not bring home books from Mamaw and Popee’s house, but I needed some books badly since I do not want to keep reading that boring A Short History of the World. Anyway, I have the psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. My mom told me last night that I would have to go there only on a Wednesday afternoon, and she also said that I would have to eat later, like at around five-thirty.

I have to make these changes because my dad will be returning to teach at Loomis Chaffee soon. I wonder how many more years he will teach there. I hope that there is something decent on television tonight. My going to the psychiatrist appointment tomorrow and getting back into a routine of going there will ruin my good academics schedule. God willing, things will work out for me. God willing, they might not work out for me, but as long as I keep trying God will be on my side. I think that I will always look up to God. I wonder what will be on television this afternoon. There will probably be some football on. Well, I am glad that I wrote today, that is for sure. This journal helps me out a lot, and I hope that the reader likes it too. I wish the reader good luck. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, August 27 2002

 

I just recently got home from exercising. I actually did some jogging today. I jogged for about five minutes to the River Trail, and I jogged about ten minutes on the way back from the River Trail to get back in time. So, for a change I did a

 

whole loop of the River Trail, and this was encouraging. I think that my sister has her internship today. I read Les Miserables for about an hour today. It is strange that I did not pass anyone on the River Trail today. The weather is all right, and not too hot. Still, I kind of wish that it were more like fall now. I went to my appointment with James Bozzuto yesterday, and as usual he did not talk about himself but asked me questions.

Yesterday I read for about an hour before the appointment and then went for a walk for about a half hour. Last night I read for about forty minutes. For lunch today I had a peanut butter and raisins sandwich. I feel kind of mellow after jogging. I wish that that dog was not out there. The dog is a bad one, for it barks loudly for no reason. James Bozzuto welcomed me back yesterday. He said that he had a boat in Cape Cod. I really was pleasantly surprised that I could jog some today, and I find this encouraging. I wore my New Balance shoes.

I wonder what will be on television tonight. I did sweat some on my jog today, and I was really thirsty when I got back home. This was a new feeling. I wore my blue Adidas shorts and my charcoal Adidas Equipment T-shirt. I have had a comical obsession lately of not tucking in my shirts. So, I ran today with my baggy T-shirt. The other day I must have looked bad with my pink shirt not tucked in. I think that tonight for dinner will be pasta with eggplant, which should be pretty good. Yesterday I passed the mental hospital on the way to the appointment, and it gave me the creeps. I passed the parking lot where my family parked to visit me. That whole hospital area gives me the creeps and will indelibly be locked in my memory for a long time.

The U.S. Open has started. I hope that that dog has stopped barking uncontrollably. I wonder when my sister will return to college. I am looking forward to her finishing her senior year at Wheaton College, and I wonder what she will do after college. Jennifer Capriati is seeded third at the U.S. Open, but I hope that she wins the entire event. I wonder how Lindsay Davenport will do. I wish that I could lose some weight. James Bozzuto said that he went to the beach at least twice a week. I wonder how his boat is. I miss friends very much. I guess that I feel lonely at times though I am by no means complaining now.

Recently my mom, dad, or sister got some grapefruit juice. I am so glad that they did because I have not had that kind of juice in a long time, and I really like it, obviously, since I like grapefruits. Also, grapefruit juice has less sugar than orange juice, and it is more tart than orange juice. That dog is so annoying. I hope that it does not bark too much in the coming months. There is a group of dogs belonging, I guess, to another house, where the barking does not bother me too much because the dogs sound like pretty good dogs. I miss Popee and playing ping-pong with Popee. My dad has been given some medicine for blood pressure and for cholesterol, but I do not think that he needs them. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I hope that my sister likes her internship and that she graduates all right from Wheaton College and then goes on to be a success.

She already is a success in some ways. Anyway, I am glad that I wrote here today.

 

Things did not look bright when I woke up today, but they look bright now since I have had a good day since waking up. Now I am off fair reader. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, August 28 2002

 

Well, September is almost here. I did not feel well during the night, for I had a bad headache. Yet the headache did eventually go away. I read Les Miserables for about fifty minutes today, and I went on a walk for about a half hour. I think that tonight for dinner will be some burritos, but I am not sure about that. I felt exhausted this morning. The day is nice out. I passed some people on the River Trail. Last night I tried listening to the First Symphony of Brahms, but a noisy ladybug interrupted me by making noise by flying wildly around my light. My dad brought home a folder of stuff that I had given Popee over the years and that Popee had saved.

I gave him Christmas cards and programs for my concerts. I felt a pang of sadness when I saw all that he had saved, for he is no longer on earth. I had a bad headache last night. I think that I am fighting some illness. My sister probably returns to college soon. I think that today I will just watch a lot of television. I feel sad right now though I am not sure why I feel this way. The day is nice, but inside I feel exhausted and sad. I must look on the bright side of things and just hope for a cure for schizophrenia. Now the only cure is to take medicine that makes one sad.

That is how things work. Less dopamine in the brain means that one is continually sad. When the neurotransmitters are frozen, one becomes dumber than before. This medicine freezes my brain, and all of the quick connections are slowed down. The machinery of the brain slows, and one is left sad. I was in bed from about ten last night till around eleven this morning. That is awful, really terrible. Today I walked at a snail’s pace (well, maybe a bit faster than that). I walked so slowly, though, and I doubt that I could have jogged since the medicine was still strong in my system. I can jog from about three o’ clock on, I guess. I walked so slowly, and I felt tired on my walk today. I felt bad because I was afraid that someone would see me going so slowky. I passed some people. I passed a man, and right behind him was a separate man who had a dog by his side. Well, school starts for my dad soon, and I wonder if he is looking forward to it.

I will bet that he is kind of looking forward to school. I looked through some of the stuff that Popee saved, and he saved a lot of stuff. I would have liked Mamaw to keep those things safe at her house though. There was a program from church, where I was playing the trumpet. There were some programs from band at Loomis Chaffee. There were some cards from Thanksgiving and Christmas. There was a newspaper clipping from the Windsor Journal. There were a lot of things there. Mamaw is giving away some of Popee’s books, but I

 

wish that she would not do so. I wonder if there will ever be a cure for schizophrenia.

I would hope that there would be a cure found for it. I do not feel too bad now physically, as writing here seems to have helped. There was something on the news about where my sister was yesterday. Yesterday I guess that my sister went to a press conference, which was on the local evening news. The day is pretty beautiful out. Les Miserables is going well, and Hugo writes about the fictional character Jean Valjean, who is a former convict. This Valjean almost kills the bishop, but instead he steals the bishop’s silver. The bishop says that he was glad that Valjean took it since it should have been given to the poor, and Jean was poor.

Jean is undergoing a transformation due to the pious bishop. Because of the bishop, Jean is beginning the process of becoming a good man though he surely has a long way to go, and I wish that there was some cure for my illness. I really wish that there was a cure for it. So much would be resolved. Now I have got to write my conclusion. Today I guess that I will watch a lot of television, which does not bother me as long as something is on. I am glad that I wrote here, and I hope that the reader is doing all right. I wonder who the reader is and what kind of person he or she is. I hope that the reader is in good health. Well, the week is going by really fast. The times are going by really fast. Pretty soon I will be twenty-six, and then soon enough I will be thirty. If I ever turn thirty, that would be funny. I just cannot imagine myself being that old. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, August 29 2002

 

I just recently was reading Les Miserables, which is a decent novel. I have not been out to exercise though, for it has been raining. Also, today I did not feel too well. I think that this is the last day that my sister has her internship. I do like how it is raining in a way though in a way I do not, for I cannot go out to exercise. I wonder if the United States will attack Iraq. I kind of hope that they do because I would hate for Iraq to acquire nuclear weapons. I hate nuclear weapons really because they have no good use. Today has been quite tough because early on I could not do anything.

Therefore, I went to an ice-cream place called Dairy Cream with my mom to get a flurry today. My mom is glad because she has work off till Tuesday, which I guess is Labor Day break for her. She told me a story about her friend at work Al, and how he passed this really easy course on computers there at his job. He printed out not one but about fifteen notices saying that he had passed and put them up on the walls of his cubicle. It made my mom laugh that he also put some up on the bulletin board. I had not been feeling well today, and I do not know why not. I slept well last night though I got up too late this morning at

 

around 10:52 A.M. I am full from that huge flurry that I had. My mom asked me how Les Miserables is, and I said, “All right.”

She then asked if I was going to stick with it, and I said “Probably.” Actually, I should have said to my mom that I did like it because I see from reading it today that it is well written though not too deep. It is all right, I guess, that I have a lot of dreams, which are so vivid. I wonder what will be on television tonight. Last night I saw part of the movie With Honors, which starred Brendan Fraser and Joe Pesci. Anyway, the day is nice though I could do without the rain for my exercise. I watched a lot of television last night. I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight. I hope that there is something good for dinner tonight though, actually, I might not be that hungry tonight.

That flurry was huge, and I ate the whole thing too. Last night I had two burritos and some corn on the cob. I am sure that my dad starts school pretty soon, and he probably is excited to go. I hope that my sister is looking forward to returning to Wheaton College too. Tonight are the Music Television Video Music Awards, and there is a lot of hype in television land about this event. I miss exercising.

I wonder if Mamaw will come over here tonight. I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house on Saturday. I went on the Internet today for about six minutes, to no avail. The Internet is a crazy place, and there is nothing worthwhile on it. Well, maybe some things are all right on it. I looked up Trinity College, but their website has not been updated yet. I am sure that sometime this fall some new stuff on their website will be up. Speaking of Trinity College, I got some mail, from Linda Gilbert, which was a piece of paper with confirmation of me not returning from my voluntary withdrawal. This was depressing in a way.

Right next to Dairy Cream is a military base with a fence around it and wire above the fence. There were three young men at Dairy Cream standing outside the place, and they seemed to be staring at me when the car pulled up. Maybe they were criminals. They had a green car, which was pretty nice though nothing special. I wish that I could have gone jogging today. I wonder when my sister will get home. So, my mom has a lot of time off. I probably should not have gone to Dairy Cream today, but I was languishing here at home. I probably should have just been tough and stayed home though.

I wonder if Mamaw will come over here tonight. I wonder when my sister will get home today, and if she liked working for Cronin and Company. I wonder who wrote the book of love. I wonder who sang that song. My mom just interrupted me by saying that she brought up some clothes. I asked her if she could put them in the hall and right outside my door. I am wearing white J. Crew long pants, for it is cool today. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I am glad that I wrote here today. Today in a way was a disaster, for the morning was chaotic, and I got up late. After I got home from Dairy Cream, though, things began to pick up. I was able to read Les Miserables for about an hour, and now I

 

will have written in my journal for about a half hour. This week has gone by so fast. I hope that the reader is being strong. I have got to go now. Bye bye.

Friday, August 30 2002

 

I just recently got home from the library. I was out for about an hour at the library, where I looked through some books and magazines like a loser, I guess. I found that I could not read today, yet I was able to walk for about a half hour.

There were no books that looked interesting to me at the library. The magazines that I looked at were interesting though. I looked through some Architectural Digest magazines, which showed some amazing interiors of very expensive homes. I do not know why I was not able to read today, but I just was not able to. The library was not as depressing as I thought that it would be. A beautiful woman came near me looking at books, and also a beautiful young woman with jeans came near me another time. They both were very pretty. The books did not interest me, for they were about crime and stuff. I will bet that Les Miserables is much better.

I do not have an interest in crime. Maybe I was just depressed today though it is good that my walk went pretty well. The library did not have too many people in it, so there was a comfortable atmosphere there. I did not sleep too well last night. The books at the library do not look too well. They all look to be extremely boring. I looked briefly at the movies there, but it looked like there were not many new movies. There were some beautiful homes in Architectural Digest. I would like to live in one of them for sure, but I should be happy to have the home that I do have. There were some librarians, working at the front desk, whom I did not recognize, and I think that the library closes at five o’ clock today. I wonder when my sister will be leaving for Wheaton College. She had lunch out with her friend Meghan today, as she wrote in her note saying that she was sorry about last night to my parents. She saw the music awards at Jonathan Lombardo’s house last night, I guess.

So, today has been a disaster. The day has really been tough, for I could not do much, and I could not think of what to do. In sheer desperation I went to the Windsor Public Library to look for some modern novels that might interest me. Last night I read Les Miserables for about a half hour though I decided not to run in the dark. The book is so depressing when it talks about Fantine. I should stick with Les Miserables. I saw some books by authors whom I had heard of, but these books all seemed to be so boring. In comparison even my journal would be interesting. Well, even without comparison to these books my journal would be interesting, and I have used that word interesting a lot today, it seems.

I passed a girl and then an older man on the River Trail today. The girl, who looked to be in high school, had on running shoes and sweatpants. The older man is a regular on the River Trail, and he appears to be poor judging from the tattered and dirty jeans that he usually wears. I wonder when my sister will

 

return to Wheaton College. I guess that I will watch some television for the night. I wonder if there will be any good movies on then. The day is really beautiful out. I am wearing some Hilfiger shorts and a long-sleeved blue Gap shirt that Carol got me for Christmas one year. I was thinking so much about what I could possibly do today, and in desperation I went to the library. My mom just interrupted me, saying that the dinner is ready. Well, they will just have to wait until I finish this entry. Going to the library was not as bad as I thought that it would be today, which is a good surprise. Maybe not going to it much has helped.

Now I am going to write my conclusion, as it is about that time. I am glad that I wrote here today. I will bet that the dinner will be quite good. Last night I had cajun catfish for dinner though I was a glutton yesterday night by eating a whole bag of gummy bears that my mom bought me at CVS. She offered to buy them, and my saying “Yes” was something that I regret. One of the worst things is to become a glutton. Well, I just hope that I can get the television tonight and that my sister does not swipe it after dinner. Now I have got to go. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, August 31 2002

 

I just recently got home from exercising on the River Trail. It is good that I got some jogging in while exercising. The day looked bleak when I got up, for I got up at around eleven-fifty, I think. This is terrible. My parents are at Mamaw and Popee’s house, and my sister is talking on the phone. The day looked really bleak early on, but I managed to read Les Miserables for about an hour.  God really gave me a push forward today, and He certainly was there for me today.

The day is beautiful out. I wonder what is on television today. I slept well last night, but the problem was staying in bed and swooning until way too late. I did not feel up to going to Mamaw and Popee’s house today after the chaos of yesterday. There was little good on television last night as far as movies went.

Les Miserables is going all right, and I still feel lucky to have been able to read it for about an hour today. There were some people on the River Trail today. I passed an old couple, and I saw some kids on their bikes. I liked the part of exercising where I was able to jog, which I did for about fourteen minutes total. I walked for about sixteen minutes. I was able to do a full loop of the River Trail today. I wonder when my dad starts school. I wonder how Mamaw is doing now. In Greek, I think that the word for wondrous and terrible is the same. This is interesting. I remember that in Trinity College when one said interesting, one meant that it was uninteresting. I somehow got this idea from the way Anthony Macro used the word. He might not even have used it truly in that fashion, and I might have simply interpreted it that way.

Yet I think that I was on to something in the way that college people talk. So, the fact that wondrous and terrible have the same Greek word captures my attention and is an edifying thing. I think that I truly learned the word edifying

 

from reading Goethe’s autobiography, where he used that word often as I remember. I really liked reading Goethe’s autobiography. For lunch today I had something different. I had two pieces of bread with a topping of chestnut spread imported from Italy. Maybe chestnut spread is big there. This lunch was pretty good actually.

I am glad that I am reading Les Miserables. I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight. I think that my sister is leaving for Wheaton College on Tuesday. The day really is beautiful, and I am glad that I am writing here to enjoy it.

Without writing here, I would be languishing and not noticing the beautiful day. I wonder if beautiful is a French word, and I wonder this because I am reading a book about characters in France. I think that the characters are fictional. I read that the bishop Bienvenu died, and the former convict Jean Valjean turned his life around and became a rich and saintly man. He gave a lot of money to the poor. Jean Valjean because of the bishop has turned his life around. When Jean read in the newspaper that the bishop died, he went into mourning.

Jean Valjean has a new name, but I cannot remember it. He told nobody in the town that he is in that he was a former convict because that would get him nowhere in the town. Jean Valjean is a changed man, yet there is an inspector in the town who seems to remember Jean from the time that he was a convict in the galleys at Toulon. Yet the inspector has not done anything about that yet. Jean served his time at the galleys and was released, but he initially had trouble because of this yellow identification that he had that showed that he used to be a convict. When he got out of the galleys, no inn would take him, and he finally got to the bishop Bienvenu who took him in.

That was a long time ago for Jean, and now he has because of the kindness of the bishop made a new life for himself. I wonder what my sister has planned for today. I cannot believe how late I got up today. That is ridiculous. Truly, that is ridiculous. Yes, I mean truly that is ridiculous. There is no doubt in my mind that is ridiculous. I am being funny now and putting a pun on the word ridiculous, which at Trinity College was what Richard Lee my philosophy teacher on Aristotle said about my first way too short reflection in the class. This was the same teacher the year before that gave me an A for a final grade in a different philosophy course that I took. I am so glad that I am writing here today. By the way, the term ridiculous was too harsh, which is why it stuck in my memory.

Now I have got to write my conclusion. The day really is beautiful out.

The reason why I wondered if the word beautiful has a French origin is because of the first four letters, which sound French. I think that the readers get my gist.

Talking of the readers, I hope that the reader is still reading here, and I extend my friendship to them. Victor Hugo calls books friends, and I guess that that book Les Miserables has been my friend today though not a real one, I argue.

Books are not friends, but they pass the time when one is desperate. They can also pass the time when one is by no means desperate. Now I have got to go. Bye bye.

 

 

Sunday, September 1 2002

 

I just recently got home from a walk. There were really not many people on the River Trail though I am not sure why there were not many on the trail.

Yesterday I watched a lot of football, unfortunately, and there was nothing else on of interest to me. Today I got up at around eleven o’ clock, which is not too bad. Still, I was so exhausted in the morning that I could not read or do anything else early on, yet in desperation I picked up Les Miserables and starting reading.

So, an attempt yielded a success, and I read the book for about an hour and was happy afterwards that I found something to do. I do like the book though it is kind of depressing. There were the sound of gunshots today on the River Trail, and I even had heard them before in my room. They seem to have stopped now though.

Yesterday I watched so much football. I hope that there are other sports on besides football today. I hope that there is a good movie on tonight. I passed a man with his white dog. It is encouraging that I walked at a decent pace today. I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight. I hope that there is something good for dinner, and last night the dinner was good. Last night I had baked beans, rice, and a crab cake. Mamaw is coming over for dinner tomorrow night.

I think that my sister will be returning to school on Tuesday though I think that she went today and will be home tomorrow for the dinner before leaving on Tuesday.

Last night the dogs nearby barking really disturbed my dad, who might have been trying to read at the time though I am only guessing. At least the dogs do not bark all of the time though. I do like the book that I am reading though the book is so sad. The plight of Fantine before she met Jean Valjean was pitiful. She had her hair cut off and her two front teeth pulled out for money for her girl. She used to be beautiful, but for her girl she lived without teeth. Currently, she is very sick in the hospital, and she only wants to see her girl Cosette, who is staying with the mean Thenardier’s, who will not return her because all they want is money.

Jean Valjean helped Fantine and put her in the hospital. Fantine is dying of a lung ailment, which Victor Hugo noted was not known much about though great strides were being made. I hope that Fantine sees Cosette before she dies. The inspector had thought that Jean Valjean was a former convict, but he found out that a man had been identified as Jean Valjean and put in prison though it is not true. So, the inspector apologized to Jean Valjean and told him the story, whereupon Jean let out a disconcerting sigh. Jean, now known as Monsieur Madeleine, knew that he was the real Jean Valjean. I am looking forward to the dinner tomorrow, and I wonder what there will be for dinner.

Mamaw usually brings some food to dinner. I am so glad that I was able to read today, for it seemed like an almost impossible thing to do early on. I just

 

was so floored from the medicine that I could not do much. This medicine can be so annoying. I have not listened to music in a while. I wonder what will be on television today. There are parts of people who are so cruel, it seems, and these parts are their innermost parts. Yet even deeper are parts that are kind and accepting. I do not even want to admit some of the terrible things that I think, for then the reader might not like me any more. Yet each person seems to inherently have a kind heart, which is the deepest part of a person. I cannot explain this well without giving examples, but each person has their own hatreds and fears.

Sometimes they change, like the waves on the sea. Last night my crab cake was good, but not superb. Right now I am in the mood for a lobster roll or a hamburger. I am in the mood for a hamburger from Burger King. Those fast- food commercials stick in the heads of people because of the tunes played on television. That last sentence was grammatically a disaster. I keep hearing those tunes of the fast-food places playing along in the most inopportune and strange moments. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I am wearing a nice pink short-sleeved button-down shirt, which I got at Bazilians. I am wearing blue J.

Crew pants, which are not superb. I am wearing some white socks with no brand name on them, which is good. I am also wearing a white and maroon Loomis Chaffee T-shirt under my pink shirt. Now I have got to go, fine reader. I am off.

Bye bye.

 

Monday, September 2 2002

 

Right now it is raining out. So, I am not able to exercise right now. I read Les Miserables today recently for about fifty-two minutes. If it were not raining right now, I would be out doing some exercise. Mamaw is coming over tonight for dinner, and I wonder what there will be for dinner though I will bet that it will be good. My sister will be here for dinner. Les Miserables is going well. I wonder if it will stop raining today. The temperature is nice, but the rain prevents me from jogging. There was little good on television yesterday night. The shows that were on were poor. I wonder when my sister will be home, for I do not want her to take away the television. I am wearing my pretty new and blue Nike shirt. That was a play on words. I have a psychiatrist appointment on Wednesday.

Last night I had chicken for dinner. For lunch today I had two pieces of bread with that chestnut spread on both. The day is nice out even though it is raining. I like rain, and I like lightning and thunder too. I watched some football yesterday though I could not take much of it. Anyway, Mamaw is coming over tonight, and I wonder when she will be here. I will bet that the dinner will be good. I wonder why my sister went to Wheaton College yesterday. I slept well last night, and I got up at around ten-forty. I wonder what my family is reading these days. I miss exercising.

 

I wonder if my journal will ever be published. I would not mind if the recent parts of my journal would be published. I am wearing long pants today, for it is cool out. The sky is silver out right now. It is raining pretty hard out though it is not pouring down. That chestnut spread is pretty good though it is nothing special. The spread tries to be a jelly, but fails. Yet I like it more than some kinds of hummus.

Les Miserables is interesting, and it is not too hard to read. I would recommend the book at this point in it. I wonder what I will talk to James Bozzuto about Wednesday. Well, I guess that I am not going to go to Trinity College this fall even though I very much want to. I am content to stay here though if I can just manage to keep up my schedule. Today I barely was able to read Les Miserables, and I am so glad that I was able to. I just felt so exhausted and without motivation earlier, which caused me to delay reading Les Miserables until after dinner.

I wonder if there will be any football on today. I would not want to be a football player really, and I would really not want to be a baseball player. I would not mind being a basketball or tennis player though. I wonder who will win the

U. S. Open for tennis this year, and I hope that Andre Agassi wins the entire tournament. This is Agassi’s swan song. Pete Sampras was doing pretty well too. Sampras is seeded, but seeded a low number. I wonder how much longer it is going to rain. I am glad that I was able to read and write today. I miss playing the trumpet a lot, for I was good at that, and the medicine took that away from me.

I certainly hope that the weather does not get worse, for hopefully Mamaw will get over here in good weather. There are a lot of advertisements on television. There are a lot of advertisements for fast food. I am looking forward to eating dinner, for I am even hungry right now. I wonder when my sister will go to Wheaton College. I cannot believe that she will be graduating this year, as it all went by so soon. She will be a proud graduate of college. I will continue to be a humble ascetic. In that vein I have not been to the movie theater in a long time. I have not seen a movie at a theater in a while. There have not been many movies that I have wanted to see besides A Beautiful Mind, which was about the tortured life of a mathematical genius. The day is cold, and I wonder if this cool weather will continue. I do not mind this cool weather though. I will probably miss the flowers though. Well, now I have got to write my conclusion. I am glad that I wrote today though I hope that I will be able to get the television. My sister just got home. I hope that she does not watch television now. I have got to go now. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, September 3 2002

 

I just recently got home from a walk. I felt really tired after the walk, and I feel quite tired right now. I do not know why I am so tired though. I am guessing that I am tired from the medicine. My dad started school today, and I wonder

 

how that went. My sister went to see the dentist today, and she got a root canal. She was really hurting after she got home, and the doctor prescribed Codeine. So, my sister has not had that good of a day so far. I had a hard time this morning, for I was so exhausted. I could not do much. After I ate, I got up the courage to read. I read Les Miserables for about an hour. My sister was planning on going to Wheaton College today though now I do not know if she will go. I feel exhausted right now, and so kind of depressed and melancholy. My left toe hurts for some reason, but I hope that the pain will go away. My sister was in a lot of pain today because of that bad dentist. I wonder which dentist she went to. Today it is pretty hot out.

Last night Mamaw came over for dinner, and she brought a neat memory test from a newspaper. One had to read the list of foods and memorize it. This was a test to see how many foods one could memorize. I hope that my sister will be all right. I feel so tired right now. I wonder if my sister will leave today. It makes me annoyed and mad that I feel so tired. I have that psychiatrist appointment tomorrow, and I wish that I did not have to go to it. I wonder when school begins for my dad and my sister. Mamaw gave me ten dollars last night to buy a book with, and now I have fourteen dollars to my name. I hate this medicine. I slept pretty well last night, and I got up at around ten-twenty today. I probably will not write here tomorrow because I have the appointment.

I have not been to Loomis Chaffee in a long time. I saw Ron Marchetti in a car today. I do not know if I miss my old school or not. I had a better time at Loomis Chaffee when I not in school than when I was there as a student. I had a lot of fun in sixth grade there, when I was skateboarding and doing wall rides on the Chaffee wall. I remember many good times that I had at Loomis Chaffee, when I was not a student there, for I lived there many years.

Last night I saw part of a movie called Never Been Kissed starring Drew Barrymore. The movie was pretty interesting. I mean interesting in a good way. I do not mean interesting in a bad way in the way I described it in a recent entry.

Today is spectacular and forbidding out. On these days one sees the majesty and terror of nature. I hope that my toe gets better. It does not hurt much, only when I move it. I doubt that it is broken. I wonder what will be on television tonight, and I have been watching a lot of television lately. Mamaw seemed in good spirits last night, and she was interested in how my sister was going to decorate her room at college. I made fun of my mom shouting to my dad in the kitchen, and I made fun of her being so loud when she shouted. My dad was right in the kitchen, and my mom yelled loudly in the dining room. Mamaw laughed when I made fun of my mom.

For dinner I had pork, salad, pineapple, bread, a piece of angel-food cake with whipped cream and peaches, and a piece of chocolate cake. So, I ate a lot of good things yesterday night. I wonder if my sister will go out to Wheaton College today. I hope that she is not going to watch television in the living room today. I wonder how my dad likes Loomis today. I wonder how much construction is

 

being done now at Loomis Chaffee. I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I am glad that I wrote here today. I wonder how tomorrow will go. I went on a walk for about a half hour today, but I got so tired afterwards. I still hope for a cure for my illness; I hope that one comes along soon. Anyway, I hope that the reader is doing fine. I need a reader to look over my work. I look kindly on a reader. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, September 5 2002

 

I just recently got home from a walk. There were some people on the River Trail today. Some people said “Hello” to me today. I passed a couple with their two dogs. I passed a man, with a cane, who asked how I was doing. I passed Louise Moran and Susan Ross, and they each said “Hello” and then my name.

This was a surprise, for Susan Ross had never said “Hello” to me before. This was not from malice, but maybe from being shy. I have always thought that Susan Ross was nice. I read Les Miserables for about an hour today. I felt exhausted this morning as usual. I saw Sally Knight with a bunch of runners, and she apparently is still in good shape.

She was yelling something to them as they were running the length of a football field back and forth, and I am not sure if she saw me or not. She seemed to be really into the practice, and she is probably glad that Loomis Chaffee is starting up again. My mom is at work, my sister is at college, and my dad is not home. So I am here writing, wishing that I was at college, but glad to be alive. I could have ended up in a mental institution. I could be there without even a breeze. Having schizophrenia is hard, yet I do not have to go to school or have a job. I get to have disability benefits, which I give to my parents. I need a bookcase though. It was pretty annoying that the dogs were barking today. They are so annoying.

I wonder if the United States will declare war on Iraq. I am afraid that Iraq will get nuclear weapons and use them on the United States. I went to my psychiatrist appointment yesterday, which I am glad that I did because otherwise I would have had to call in sick and feel terrible and guilty for the whole day. I got the appointment over with. I talked to the psychiatrist about sports and how many people in the world are suffering from starvation. I got to the topic of starvation from saying that my book was about human misery. Somehow the topic got on to the fact that people are starving in the world. The psychiatrist asked me about my book, and I talked about college football and college basketball.

The sun is shining, and the day is beautiful today. I had a good walk. The day is so nice; it would be a shame not to exercise, whether it is playing tennis or running. Unfortunately, I can really only walk. I jogged some yesterday, but I got so incredibly tired. I exercised yesterday for about a half hour. Also, I read yesterday for about an hour. The sky is like a lamp today, a bright and beautiful

 

light of a lamp. The sky is spectacular and shining. I wish that I could run. I wish that I was not on this medicine, for it really is terrible. I hate this Zyprexa. I feel this way now partly because of seeing those Loomis Chaffee kids running today. I would like to be out there as an instructor running with them. I would not mind being a teacher, and I wonder if I would make a good teacher.

I wonder if I would make a good professional soccer player. I would not mind being a left forward on a soccer team in say England or Germany. I would not mind playing professional soccer in Europe. I wonder how professional soccer here in America stacks up against the professional leagues in Europe.

Today would be a nice day to play tennis on the clay courts, and I have not played on clay in a while. I wonder if Loomis Chaffee will maintain its clay courts, which are by Chaffee Hall. I wonder if the new athletic center has been built yet. I have not been to Loomis in a while. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I will have written today for about a half hour.

I wonder what will be on television this afternoon. Last night for dinner I had fish, mango, and an artichoke. So, the dinner last night was good. I wonder when classes start for my dad. They probably start soon. I hope that I will go to Mamaw and Popee’s house on Saturday, and I am looking forward to going. I hope that the reader is still with me. I feel that fall is coming on quickly. Now I have got to go. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Friday, September 6 2002

 

I wonder what will be for dinner. I see two sparrows on the roof. I just recently got home from exercising, and during this exercising I jogged for about fifteen minutes total. I exercised for about a half hour today, and I saw some people on the River Trail. I passed an old man, with a cane, who used to be a regular of the River Trail. I saw a young couple dressed in athletic clothes and walking a baby in a stroller. I saw two young women with two babies. There is a dog in the dog pound that I really like, but it is miserable there. The dog seems so nice since it does not bark in a mean way when I pass by, but whimpers in emotional pain. The dog is pretty big, and it is black. The dog just has a nice demeanor.

I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. I was sweating when I returned from exercising. Earlier, I debated about whether to just go for a walk or whether to exercise by walking and jogging together. It was good that the dogs did not bother me today. Last night I saw some of a pretty bad movie called The Edge though I found it hard to change the channel once I had watched some of it. Even bad movies are hard to turn away from, I guess. So, school is going to be or has already started for the colleges across the nation. I was very disappointed in Les Miserables today, for the author went off into a terrible digression about the war between the English and the French. This kept going on, and all of my reading today was about this war.

 

The descriptions were complicated, and I did not know where he was going with them. The whole part that I read today was confusing, and the writing was no good. I am disappointed in Victor Hugo for turning off of a completely good story and turning it into a farce. I will stick with it though, for I think that this digression ends and that the story begins again. Yet how disappointing it is for me today to have read that boring description of war. I have an obsession telling me not to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow related to my shorts, but I must not follow it. I have a similar obsession that tells me not to wear my Adidas sandals because they are black, which my obsessions tell is a color signifying something bad, like a black heart or a black mind.

I wonder if the United States will invade Iraq. I hope that those dogs do not bark a lot today. Last night for dinner I had ham, baked beans, and soup. I kind of miss my sister. Pretty soon she will be out of college and have her own job. I wonder what kind of job she will get. Today is a very beautiful day. The day was wonderful to walk in, and I saw a kid who jogged past me. I will probably see a lot of kids jogging past me from Windsor High School and Loomis. I am looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow, and I hope that I do go.

Like I mentioned before, Les Miserables was a disappointment for me today. I had a hard time following the narrative. I cannot wait until that section on the war is over. I just saw a dog run across the yard. The dog is surely not welcome in my yard. I wonder if that is one of those loud dogs next door. There are still a lot of birds around. I have not seen a blue jay or a cardinal in a long time. I saw a woman with a small dog near the dog pound. I wonder what these free dogs think about the dogs in the dog pound. The woman was dressed in a blue uniform, and she is probably from animal control, as they say. She was sitting on a small hill with her small dog. I wonder if my old cat Kit is still alive, and if someone snatched her up for their own. I have not listened to music in a while, which is too bad.

I am so glad that God has kept me from the mental hospital and so freed me from intense suffering. I did not like that place at all from the blood that I had to give to the frequent room checks, yet the hospital that I was in was supposed to be better than most by a landslide. I do not think that I will write here tomorrow if I go to Mamaw and Popee’s house tomorrow. Now I have got to write my conclusion, and I am glad that I wrote today. I do not know where I would be without this journal. This journal allows me to talk and say things to the reader. Well, I am off now fair reader. I wish the reader well as always. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Tuesday, September 10 2002

 

I just recently got home from the Windsor Public Library, and I was there for about an hour and a half, I think, looking through Architectural Digest and

 

Bicycling magazines. Today has been so incredibly chaotic. Earlier, I could find nothing to do, but sat around doing nothing. I could not read or exercise. I could not even write. So, in desperation I finally decided to go to the library. While I was there, I looked through some good magazines. I really liked the mansions in Architectural Digest, and most of them went for millions of dollars. I certainly could not afford them now. I am so glad to be writing today, for I could not write yesterday. On Saturday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house. On Sunday, I went to the bookstore and bought some books. Also, on Sunday Mamaw came over.

On Sunday night I was really in a bad way, for I dropped the receipt which I was going to use as a bookmark, and then when I looked to the floor to pick it up it, it was not there. So, I kept looking for it for about twenty minutes, but I could not find it. By that time my nerves were shot, and I did not read much of The Adolescent by Fyodor Dostoevsky, as I had planned.

Yesterday was very chaotic. I read for about an hour yesterday, but after that things went downhill. I went out to go on a walk, but I turned around and only was able to walk for about ten minutes. Then I went for a jog, and I got so exhausted that I had to stop and walk. I was out that time for about seventeen minutes. I wrote in my notebook journal for about thirteen minutes, which is where I put these desperation really short entries. Then I read some old entries for about a half hour.

I would say that Sunday and Monday, I was thinking constantly about publishing my journal and so getting rich from it. Yesterday I also went out for a car ride with my mom around Windsor. I went at night, and I complained about how the medicine slows me down a lot. I talked about my medicine. Today I woke up late at around eleven o’ clock, and I could not think of what in the world to do. I wandered around the house and into my sister’s room to look for magazines, and she did not have many. I went outside, but the chairs were not fit to sit in. I thought about watching television all day, but I decided against doing that. I finally decided to go to the Windsor Library, and I put on a nice pink button-down shirt to go. I almost turned back, but I got determined not to ruin my day.

Lately, but not now, I have been thinking about publishing my journal by Harcourt Brace. They published the diary of Virginia Woolf. I was also picturing Penguin books publishing my journal, and I pictured in my mind the big volumes that Penguin would put out of my journal. At the library today, I saw many really nice homes in Architectural Digest magazines. I was especially taken by the house of this Ringling, who owned the famous circus, I guess. This place was really nice. The house was like the palace of a king. There were a lot of other nice mansions shown in the pages of the magazines too. I read most of the latest issue of Bicycling, which reviewed some bikes and which told the story of a rags-to-riches bicyclist, whose last name was something like Landis.

He came from a family that would not let him watch television. He could ride bikes, though, and now he has finished sixty-first in the Tour De France. I

 

saw some cool recent Giant mountain bikes advertised, and I would like to get my hands on one of those. There was a note from the editor, I guess, that said that he would go for like half-hour rides now, which he would scoff at before. He said that the only way to exercise with its being beneficial is to go for at least twenty minutes. I need a new bike, for my tires are no good. If I get a new bike, I would like to get a Specialized, if they still make them, or a Giant, which I know are still made. I am amazed at seeing how fine some of these houses are. By their standards, this house would be a guest house. By their standards, this room might be the room of a servant, yet I am happy that I have my own room with a computer and books.

In many ways this room is even more comfortable than the rooms that are in those magazines. Those rooms can be so boring, while this room is exciting. Now if I only had more room, this room could be made into some luxurious.

Now I have got to conclude this entry. What a relief to have written here today and to have stayed out of trouble in the chaos. I want to keep up this writing in my journal for years to come, and I hope that not having written since last Friday will not slow me down. Maybe this hiatus, as they say, was beneficial to me.

Yesterday I got four books, which were The Adolescent, Catch-22, some stories by Dostoevsky, and a book by Virginia Woolf. Now I am off, fair reader. Bye bye.

 

Wednesday, September 11 2002

 

I have not been able to do anything but sit around doing nothing. Things have not been going well today, for I have been so exhausted. I probably should not complain though. I am too tired to write here, as my hands are tired. Maybe I should switch medicine though that would not be good. I am off now. Bye bye.

I think that I will try again now hours later and after dinner. I wrote the last paragraph earlier in the day before my psychiatrist appointment that I went to. Now I feel better, but I have fallen behind as far as my schedule goes. I went to the appointment today, and the psychiatrist told me to just get out and exercise to get rid of being tired. I just wish that I could do that, yet I might get over what I have in time. Sometimes time is the cure all. I just recently got home from exercising. I jogged a little, and I walked.

I must never give up writing in my journal. When I was exercising today, it looked like it was going to rain, but it has not even rained yet. It sure looks like it is going to rain. I saw part of a fine movie today called Rocky II. I saw most of it, but I missed the end because I had to go to the appointment. I wish that I could get a new bike, for my bike is too old now. I think that it is time to get a new bike. This morning was awful, for I just sat around doing nothing. After I got up, I just was lying down on my bed thinking about what to do for over an hour, I think.

The psychiatrist called what I was in a funk, which is a fine observation. Maybe I am in a funk. I talked to him about a lot of things but not much about my being tired. I wonder if it is going to rain tonight. Right now it is windy out. I hope

 

that it rains tonight. I did not hear the dogs much at all today. Maybe there was a complaint about the noise, and the people put the dogs in their house. It gets dark early now. This is a surprise really though I do not mind it.

Last night I read Les Miserables for about fifty-five minutes, and it turned out to not be that bad when talking about the war. This was a boon, for I think that I will stick with Les Miserables after all. This makes me feel good. I need a bookcase, for my bookcases are full now. I just do not want to ask for a bike and a bookcase because of the stress after I ask for them. My obsessions have been kind of annoying, but I am getting by, as the reader can see.

I am brushing my teeth at night these days… well, at least for the past two days.   I do not know how long that can continue though I always brush them in  the mornings without fail. My obsessions tell me not to do them at night though. Today is a year after September 11, when the terrorists flew their planes into the Twin Towers. I have not watched any of the coverage, for I was watching the wonderful Rocky II movie. I had a good time exercising today, and I passed some Loomis girls.  I think that they were going to the grocery store.  I passed a girl, who was running fast, and she did not say “Hello” to me. I passed a middle-aged man, with a cap on, who was jogging at a regular pace.  On the River Trail I  passed a man who was walking his dog.

I passed a young man who might have been retarded. None of these people said “Hello” to me. I tried writing here earlier, as the reader knows, but my fingers could not type they were so much like play dough. There was no way that I could have read earlier. There was no way that I could have exercised before tonight. I was thinking about going over to the library, but that idea did not hold much weight. So, now here I am, and I feel that it is important to write now. So, I hope that I will be able to write here for the rest of the week. Then hopefully on Saturday I will be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I have this Michelle Branch song in my head, as it is catchy, but I am trying not to sing it much in my head. I wonder if there will be anything decent on television tonight. I do not really want to watch the shows on the tragedy in New York. I have already seen enough of those images.

There has been a lot of good food in the house lately. I like snacks. Now I have got to write my conclusion to this entry. So, I will have written tonight for about a half hour, and I wrote earlier for about three minutes. Things might be looking up now even though this morning was the picture of chaos. For lunch today I did not have much appetite, so I had a can of olive oil in tuna and some cottage cheese with pineapple in it. For dinner I had an artichoke and some fish. I hope that things are looking up for me, dear reader. Now I am off. Bye bye.

 

Thursday, September 12 2002

 

I just recently got home from a walk, and I was out for about forty minutes.

I could not read today though I did try to. I could not concentrate and was too

 

tired. I just had a good walk, though, and the day is beautiful out. I passed some people. I passed a woman with her two little children, who were on tiny bikes. I went to the Windsor Library today, but I quickly left because I did not want to stay. I watched television because there was nothing else to do. I tried reading Les Miserables, but I am going to give up on the book because it has gotten too hard to understand while talking about the war. I could not read early on because I was too tired. I am writing now at about three o’ clock. I did not sleep well last night, and I think that I ate breakfast this morning a little before five o’ clock.

I slept poorly, like I said. Last night I read Les Miserables for about a half hour, but before that time was up, I had reached some difficult parts that I did not understand and that I had no luck understanding today either for the about three minutes that I read from where I had left off last night. Things have not been going well for me lately. My obsessions are still so annoying. I wonder if there will be anything good on television tonight. The day is really beautiful, and I wonder when the trees will begin to turn color. There were not many people in the library today.

Working in that library might be kind of boring for me. I feel psychologically awful right now, for my obsessions are annoying me. I just hope that I will be able to complete this entry, and I might need the help of God for that. I still look up to Him. I hope that God will always be with me. I tried my mom’s blueberry brownies today, and they were not too bad though not too good either. My next psychiatrist appointment is on not next Wednesday but on the following Wednesday. I have been thinking about doing my schedule more in the later afternoon or at night when the medicine is wearing off.

I find it almost impossible to read in the morning now. Using this medicine long term has really ruined my health and my life. As time goes on the medicine makes me worse and worse, and eventually I get turned into a zombie. I miss Popee, and I am sure that Mamaw misses him too. I watched television for about an hour and a half this afternoon. I hope that I sleep all right tonight. I wish that this medicine did not make me so tired. In the mornings I am like a zombie. All I do is act like a vegetable and eat breakfast. Well, I should be glad that now I am writing here in my journal. I must never give this up. No matter what happens to me in this game of life, I must still write in my journal. Earlier today was very chaotic. I could not think of anything to do. In desperation I went to the Windsor Library and then left almost as soon as I made it to the magazine rack in the back of the library.

I am glad that I went on that nice walk today, and I walked a loop of the River Trail. An older man said “Hello” to me. Also, a woman said “Hello” to me. I said “Hello” back both times. This television is so annoying, and I wish that I did not have to watch it and that I did not have to take this medicine. Now I have got to write my conclusion. Tonight for dinner will be hamburgers, which will be good. For lunch today I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Unfortunately,

 

after lunch I also had some chips. When there is nothing to do, the first instinct is to eat snacks. This is hard to resist. I hope that the reader is doing all right. I lack a lot of friends, but I still hold out hope of finding friends. I am off now. Bye bye.

I want to write now. Here I am at night, not able to read. I tried reading The Sorrows of Young Werther by Goethe earlier tonight, but to no avail. So, maybe writing will provide an outlet. After I wrote earlier today, I went on about a half-hour walk. I feel kind of tired right now, but I want to write here. I cannot do much else. I do not know what to write about though. I can hear the insects outside, and they might be crickets. I hope that I will be able to sleep all right tonight. My mom went to see Mamaw today. She bought some good stuff at the health store, as she calls it. I have been far too much a glutton today though.

I watched the news, among other things, tonight. I just recently got home on a car ride with my mom though I was not too social on the ride. I saw Sally Knight on my walk, and she was jogging with the Loomis Chaffee kids. She said “Hello” and then my name. I said “Hello,” but I was too shy to call her “Sally” because I have been having such a tough time in general lately. So, here I am writing tonight for lack of anything else to do. I hope that I will be able to keep writing here tonight. If I cannot read, then at least I might be able to write. My mom got gas for the car on the car ride.

My mom cares about me. This I know because she told me that she was wondering whether a new schedule might work. She said that since I had the schedule of going to the psychiatrist and Mamaw and Popee’s that I might be able to go places on other days too besides those. I wish that I was not always so tired in the morning. My sister will be home soon to get her dental work finished, and my mom said that she would be home for like a weekend. It is too bad that I ate far too many snacks today because my stomach feels overfull. I have such vivid dreams, but I only remember them soon after I wake up. Then they are in that void during the day.

Right now it is about nine o’ clock, and it is pitch dark outside of my window. I got in about an hour and ten minutes of walking today. I just took my medicine. My mom said that she got a new prescription. I am so lucky to have this computer. I do not know where I would be without it. I do not feel at all like watching television tonight. I feel like writing here. I feel kind of tired, but that walk made me, and still does, feel well.

I do not know what to do about my schedule. I wonder how Sally Knight likes her running this year. I feel safe now as compared with the rest of the day, and I just feel good here and writing. I put all of my fears aside. I just hope that I will be able to sleep all right tonight. I am glad that I was able to walk today. I kind of miss playing the piano now. I have always been one with big wishes.

Now maybe I will have the patience to be grateful for the bounty that I have. I tried reading three times today to no avail. My dad went to Loomis for dinner tonight, and I wonder how that went. He must be happy to be back in the swing

 

of things. I have had some hubris today, for I looked at myself in the mirror too much admiring my nice clothes. I should cut down on the looking in the mirror. “Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all.” I do not remember what movie that was from.

I have not seen a move in a theater for a long time. I have, however, watched a lot of television though I do not want to talk about the shows. I do not really know what to talk about now. The day was superb today, as I remember.

The day was conducive to just being outside and to enjoying the weather, which is why I did so much exercising today. I did not even get tired exercising today. I need a new bike and a new bookcase. I wonder why I have not been able to read lately. I cannot think of a reason why I cannot read. I just cannot read. The words do not make sense, and I quickly lose interest. That movie Wishmaster was scary, for it showed the evil part of life. When I was psychotic, I believed that among other things I had telekinesis. I thought that I could battle evil with my mind. Even in my present dreams I battle evil this way sometimes. I think that last night I had a dream where I was in a battle against evil, and I asked for the sword Excalibur while my two hands were in a fist and put one on top of the other. The sword appeared in my fists in that position. I took a lunge and a stab at my opponent, and it pierced the opponent like only the Excalibur could. Last night I woke up, and it was pitch dark in my room. I became somewhat afraid, but I forced myself back to sleep.

For cereal this morning I had Basic Four, which was pretty good. Anyway, my dreams are quite vivid. I have terrifying dreams about always being caught and brought into a house in which they would bind me and torture me, and I would never get out of the house. The people were so evil and demented. They were as bad as serial killers, and they would keep me in the house maybe in a basement and torture me for the rest of my life without me being able to escape. I am always afraid in my dreams of being caught in a tough neighborhood, where such a person might live. I have a lot of good dreams too though. I dream that I have a girlfriend, and if that is not a wish fulfillment, I do not know what is.

Sometimes I dream of me running. I dream a lot about Loomis Chaffee, where I grew up.

There are various things that I dream about at Loomis. Some of these dreams take place in the future though I am still alive and as young as I am now. I guess that in these dreams I hope for eternal youth. Loomis is the place where I spent my youth for good or for bad. I think that the medicine is starting to get in my system now, for I feel kind of tired. All of my motivation is slowly but regularly and surely being sucked out of me. Anyway, I think that taking a car ride with my mom has helped me very much because now I am able to write. I did dream of Popee recently, who appears usually as a good person. Sometimes, though, I dream of him as being evil.

Last night I had a dream where he was a good figure. I was at a Loomis party where I did not want to be because I was looking for Popee to take me away

 

in a cool vehicle that went through the air. I walked quickly through the party and to an open window. The room was high in the sky. Below I saw a plane like Batman’s plane in the movies. The room was high in the sky in like an ancient sprawling tower, and it was night outside. I saw the plane fly up to the window, where it suddenly became a miniature.

I climbed out of the room and onto the window. I knew that if I fell, Popee’s plane would catch me, and I would fall in the seat like in the movies. I did not want to take a chance, though, so I waited until the plane, which was now in miniature, reached the window. The plane now was the size of a toy, and this was what it resembled. Then it began to enlarge, but I felt bad because it was so small. Popee always seems to be there in my dreams, to be there when I am in need of help. I am glad that I wrote here tonight.

I should add that I dream a lot about being in a mall like the Westfarms Mall. I wonder when my sister will be coming home to get her dental work done. She will likely be home sometime this month. I ate far too much today, for the companion of boredom and suffering is gluttony. This is the case with me it seems, but I should work on changing it. Now I have got to conclude this entry. I am glad that I wrote today twice. So, hopefully I will be able to get a nice sleep tonight. I have a good feeling about sleep tonight, and I hope that it is true. So, I will have written for about an hour tonight and for about a half hour earlier. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Friday, September 13 2002

 

The weather is really nice out. I have not done anything yet today, and I found that I could not read. So as an experiment, I am writing here instead of reading, and I will see how that goes. If it works out all right, it will be a relief. I figure that I can talk about my dreams at night and write some stuff that I would not normally write. For lunch today I had some bread with chestnut spread. I am looking forward to walking today. I had a lot of dreams last night. I wish that I could remember more. I had a dream where I was in a van, and I was with some friends going across the country. I had been doing this for many years, forgetting all about my family.

Then one day my interest in them picked up, and I asked one of my friends how old my parents were. The person said something like that my dad was ninety-five and that my mom was ninety-six. The person said that they had died and that that was how old they would have been. I felt a longing for home, realizing how pointless it was just to drive across the country with people. I had been doing it for years with no reading or anything. During the dream, I heard that my friends and I had almost crossed the country. I was hoping to get across the country so that I would be finished being in that van. I also had a dream in which I was in this building; it was late, and I wanted to get home.

 

I was trying to get out of there, yet I found myself in this big room where the furnishings were very futuristic. There was going to be an athletic-shoe commercial there. There was a big like lighted-up shoe in the center of the room, which looked like a dance studio. I walked in, and I just had wanted to get home. The person there, however, picked up on my anxiety, and he wanted me to be the major star of the commercial, which was going to be shot right then and there. I felt tired, and I felt like I was losing control of my mind from all of the stress of trying to get out of the building. This is what the director wanted, for me to lose control so that the commercial would look good with me acting all fun and out of control. I was in the room, and there was loud music and dancers all around me looking at me and smiling because I was so cool. Then a horrible thing happened though. I drowned. The room had filled with water, and I was too out of it to have held my breath like the other dancers had done.

I knew that I had died. I saw outside of my body exactly what had happened. I saw how the room filled with water and how my mouth was open, and then the water had seeped into my lungs and drowned me. I saw that I looked about ten years old with a baby face that everyone had thought was very cute. I was struggling in the water. I reached for a tank of air and put my mouth on it, but I got water with the air. So, the dream ended with me dying.

I had another vivid dream too. I had a dream in which I was in this house, where there were a lot of evil people. I had to escape this place and reach a huge art museum in the style of Egypt. It is so hard to put the dream into words. I saw some evil beings, and they were surrounding Oprah Winfrey, who was also evil. I had to escape. I ran away, and I was in a big cathedral; the evil beings went after me. I had to reach that Egyptian museum, that huge building that was so ancient. I would attain a good life if I made it there. I ran out of the chapel, which did not have a door but was open to the outside. I ran down a plain, and evil people and monsters were attacking me everywhere. I was getting weak. I knew that I was getting weak because the number on my watch, which denoted my vitality with hit points like in Dungeons and Dragons, was decreasing.

I knew that it would thus be hard to make it to the Egyptian place. I saw up ahead dwellings that had all the luxuries that one would want, and I knew that if I just stayed at these dwellings, I could dwell in them in luxury. Yet I knew that there was more honor if I made it to the Egyptian place, so I passed by these dwellings. The next place that I got to was somewhere that I never would want to inhabit. The place was where the extremely poor people lived. They lived near the sewers and rarely had enough to eat. This was the hardest part to get by, and I knew that if I did not get by here, I would have to live here forever. I almost made it past. I might have, but at the end of the dream there were doubts that I had made it through this place.

If I had, I would have made it to the plains in the Egyptian palace, and I would have attained honor and gotten to the first step in my quest. This quest dictated that I had to make it to this Egyptian place as a first stop, and I think that

 

the main feature of the quest was how the good, which was me, had to fight the evil. Yet I might not have made it through that district of sewers, in which case I would be stuck there all my life in hard labor and little food. I would have to do all of my reading at night, and the only consolation I got was that if sometime someone like me wanted to get to the Egyptian palace, I could help them get through this land. Most of the people where the sewers were were people who in life had gotten nowhere, yet there were the select few who had tried to pass through there to get to the Egyptian place but who had failed in this noble attempt. All they had to show for it was this place of terror, and the only consolation of these brave men was their memory and how they knew that they had tried to get to somewhere of honor.

So, I had a lot of dreams last night. I was not able to read today, and I did not even try to. I hope that telling about my dreams is not bad for my mental health. I mean that I hope that it does not keep me up at night if I am thinking about dreams a lot. The day looks wonderful out. Yesterday on my walk, two Loomis women said “Hello” to me. Although I think that one was Lytle, the other I do not know though she was pretty, and I had seen her before. An old man with a Notre Dame sweatshirt on asked me how I was doing, and I said “Good.” Then he said “Good.” He was with an old woman, who seemed to be his wife. The sky is blue with no clouds.

I wonder how Mamaw is doing today. I slept pretty well last night though I got up quite early this morning to have some breakfast. Then after breakfast I went back to bed. The trees are still green. Sally Knight had on sunglasses yesterday on the River Trail. I am no longer scared of Loomis Chaffee kids anymore, for they are just kids. I used to just get all excited and anxious when they were around, but I realize now that they are just kids and that they are not to be gotten anxious about. I wonder how much the kids use computers these days. I do not know what I will write about after exercising today, and I guess that I could write about exercising. My obsessions still bother me. They are especially bad at night, when I am going to bed.

Last night I went on a car ride with my mom, and she got five dollars’ worth of gas. There was a McDonald’s right next door to the gas station. Last night for dinner I had a big hamburger. The day is prime for exercising. I need a new bike. I would like to get it at the Bloomfield bike shop, as there is a good selection there. I remember that Adam Smith, who was a peer at Loomis, liked to mountain bike. I do not know how I remember him, but the memory has just popped into my mind.

I remember that in middle school I went mountain biking at Northwest Park with Rory Gaunt. Of course, I remember that I had my GT Karakoram stolen at Loomis Chaffee, and I do not think that the bike was locked up. I remember that I had my other GT freestyle bike stolen. I remember that I used to be into BB guns. I am looking forward to exercising today. I wish that I could remember more dreams to tell about. My mom got a lot of snacks at the health

 

store last night. So, I guess that I have given up on Les Miserables, and maybe I need a break from reading for about a week or two.

The sun is shining, and it looks nice out. I feel a great relief today with being able to write here. There is a bicycle shop in Windsor, which I was surprised at when I saw it on the car ride last night. The place is called Cyclist’s Haven, and it is moving from Palisado to the center of town, I think. I wonder if it has any good bikes there. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I am glad that I wrote here today, and I will have written for about an hour. Like I said, I need a break from reading. I do not know what my problem is with reading lately, but I just have not been able to do it. I hope that the reader is doing all right. Well, I am off now. I wish the reader well, and I hope that he or she always stays virtuous. I am off. Bye bye.

I just recently got home from a bike ride. The ride was a challenge, and I was out for about a half hour. My tires really need to be inflated, for the near-flat tires are bad for the rims. The day is wonderful for exercising, to be sure. I passed a man who waved at me, and I waved back. There was some tobacco in the big tobacco shed. There were some cobwebs on the front and back of my bike. I have not been on a bike ride in a long time. I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight, and I think that there will be salmon, which I like.

I still cannot read. Maybe I am not ready to read. The Dostoevsky book, an imposing presence, is just lying on my floor. Mamaw got a brochure from the Orient Express in the United States. I liked the presidential suite room on the train. The trips go all around the United States. I think that going on one of those trips would be fun. There are all kinds of different trips that go different places, and some go into Canada. I think that going on a trip like that would be fun. I still have not been to the cemetery, where Popee is, yet though I want to go. Well, I have been to the cemetery, but I have not seen the gravestone yet. I wore my Nike Air shoes on my bike ride today, as I did not want to get any dirt on my New Balance shoes. I would like to return to college; I think that that would be fun. I would like to take four classes and to join the tennis and soccer teams.

In the summer I would like to run competitively at some Runner’s World races in Connecticut. Actually, it might be too hot to race in the summer.

I would run leisurely in the fall, and with soccer there is a lot of running too. I am a wreck right now, not able to read. All I can do is hope that things will get better. The day is really nice out. I passed some Loomis girls on my bike ride today, and I guess that they had gone to CVS or something. I passed an old lady, who I think was carrying something. She said that she thought that she had heard me coming. I passed a young man and a young woman. There were a moderate amount of cars on Palisado. I just hope that I did not mess up the rims too much.

I do not know how much longer I can keep up writing for about an hour and a half each day, but I will try to keep it up as long as I have a hard time reading. I wonder if people will ever live on the moon or on Mars. I wonder if

 

people will live on other planets besides earth in the future. I wonder if the human race will even survive, what with nuclear weapons threatening a nuclear winter. Humans now have the capability of blowing themselves up and of ruining the earth. I hope that nobody uses nuclear weapons here on earth.

These weapons are extremely scary.

I wonder how many people go to Loomis Chaffee now, and if Loomis is still a good school. I miss playing the piano. Maybe I will be able to play tennis in the times coming up, and last night my mom said that she would like to play tennis with me. I wonder what is on television tonight. Recently, I saw the championships for jump rope, and the people competing could do some great stuff with the jumprope. The competitors were in great shape, and many of the winners were teenagers. I really have got to pump up my bike tires the next time that I go out. I remember when I was a kid, I think that I used to say “next time” when I did not get something done that I wanted to do. I think that I used to say next time.

Sometimes when I am outside, I get these vague memories of Sicily, which a certain smell, like smoke, touches off. Also, it could just be the outside and a breeze or just come spontaneously. I feel like I am in Sicily by the beach or in a town. I do not even know if it is a memory. I am glad that I wrote here today again. There is unfortunately not much to watch on television in the afternoon, but maybe there is some sporting event that will be on. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I hope that I sleep well tonight. I have a wonderful view of the yard from here. Everything on the ground is green, and everything in the sky is blue. I hope that the reader is still with me. I do not know where I would be without the reader. I wonder what character the reader has, and I wonder if the reader likes my entries though I have got to go now. I am off. Bye bye.

 

Saturday, September 14 2002

 

I do not know what to talk about. I guess that I could talk about some dreams if I remember them. I could not read today. I got up too late at around ten-fifty today. I wish that I could remember some dreams. I slept pretty well last night. If I were a kid again, I would do some things differently. I would have practiced soccer and my trumpet more. I would have made the Loomis soccer varsity team as a freshman with all of that practice, and I would have learned to solo with scales with my trumpet. I think that Mamaw is coming over for dinner tonight. I think that my family will be having lasagna tonight. I feel tired right now. I did not feel like going to Mamaw and Popee’s today because I guess that I was too anxious.

I just remembered a dream. I was in a battle against Chris Merrill, and it was good against evil. He was evil, and I was good. The battle took place in a gymnasium that resembled the one in my elementary school, Clover Street School. This dream is so hard to explain. The people at first fell for Chris, but

 

then after I defeated him, they turned to good. Some of the adults thought that I was crazy, and two came after me with a syringe. I had powers beyond that of a human, and I created a shield to defend my from these nurses with just thinking it. Then an Olympic medalist tested my strength by firing a flame-thrower-type thing at me, and I put a shield up before the blast came and so the blast reflected back towards the Olympic medalist, who was impressed with me and who I think joined in being good.

The people in the room with me turned good by my being there though I had to get them organized. I grew some delicious fruit, which they all like. I ate a blackberry that grew up almost instantaneously. I held a meeting for the good people, and I wanted to get more people to join. There was a group of the good people whom I saw, and they were under a big flag that signified that they were good. The flag was like a country flag, but not of any country that I know of. The opposition was planning an attack, as I saw in a room an adult planning against the good people and me.

I was walking along, and I passed by Peter Dixon, who in my dreams is the Antichrist. I was surprised to see him, and he looked at me in a way that suggested he was the master of me. I almost ran back to the front of him again to stare back at him, which would make me his master, but I remembered that as long as I was good, his being my master would not make me evil and that I would stay good only I would lose some power and importance in the scheme of things. Peter Dixon was evil, of course. In real life he was a peer at Loomis. When I walked past Peter, I found myself in a huge structure, which was extremely futuristic. The place seemed to be the center of the world, where I would learn a lot, and I passed by a bunch of computers. I was a novice at such powers.

Another dream I had took place at my house. In the dream I was in the dining room with some people. I knew that I had to travel across the country on foot but using magical means. I was anxious about the journey because I was afraid that the magic would no longer work and that I would be stranded in a strange plain. I talked there to a person, who told me that I would be all right.

These people were all to go across the country. The journey was part of a quest that I was on to prove that I was good. I met president George Bush there, and I showed him through my eyes what kind of important person I was.

I revealed that I was a dragon. He said that he had never met a dragon before. Then I indicated that I was a black dragon, which was a good, extremely rare dragon. Through my powers downstairs I created a wonderful sword, which I brought upstairs. The people had been praising me about it. Yet upstairs, the president used his powers to turn the sword into two big useless cakes. I despaired, and I realized how powerful the president was. Then I wanted to get back at him. I tried to make another sword, but it was no use.

So, instead a made a morning star. I hit the president with it, and he kept getting smaller and smaller. Although I would have destroyed him altogether, my power was draining, and the morning star kept getting smaller and smaller.

 

The president had in a way defeated me, but I had reduced him to a black cotton belt. I needed someone else to finish the job that I had started, so I went outside and asked if anyone wanted to kill the president. Outside was a lake. My dad wanted to preserve the president because my dad was Satan, and the president was the Antichrist. So, I threw the belt out into the lake to drown the president. I went into the lake too, but had little power.

Yet I was able to swim the length of the lake, and I followed the president.

When he emerged from the lake, he was missing a leg. I realized that I had crippled the powerful president, and this had changed the world. Now the world changed right before my eyes. The houses and places became much brighter and grander. Everything was changed. I as so happy that I almost cried, and I became very emotional inside though I was too dignified to show too much emotion. Everyone was happy now. I was glad that I had made a difference. I realized that (though I was defeated) I had still stayed good, that I would always be good, and that I had done good to change things for the better.

I found myself in a parade going down the street. I found myself very tall, and I attributed this to the good job that I had done. Yet then I noticed that I was on stilts, which were pretty easy to walk with. So, I was healthy and on stilts. I was happy. Then there was a competition to see who could make it to the end faster. I walked fast on my stilts, and I kept passing people. I walked by people trying not to fall, and I had to adjust my stilts sometimes. I passed a lot of people, including Chris Merrill, who did not want me to pass him. I was afraid that he would try to knock down my stilts.

I reached the end right before this young man, who was my peer. He won a bigger prize than me, but I won second prize. I joked with him, but I soon realized that he was evil-this was why he came in first place. Evil people perform better than the good, but are in truth much worse than them. They never will win the real prize, which is being good. The prize of being good far outweighs any external success. So, when I realized that he was evil, I stopped joking with him, became serious, and just ignored him. He had evil intentions of trying to turn me evil, as all the evil people do. This was a long dream.

I wonder how the lasagna is going to turn out. I hope that it turns out all right. I realize that language cannot nearly explain all that goes on in dreams. Anyway, I hope that I will be able to exercise today. It is kind of hot out today. I am glad that I wrote today though I almost did not. When I woke up today, I did not feel like doing anything. I wonder when Mamaw will be coming over today. I wonder if I will see a lot of people when I am exercising today. Last night I read some in a Vincent Van Gogh book. At least I read something. I do not see many birds in the yard now.

I wonder if Mamaw will bring anything to eat over here. Last night for dinner I had some salmon. There is probably going to be a lot of football on television today. I wonder what other sport events will be on television today. I wonder when my sister will be coming home to get her dental work finished, and

 

how she likes Wheaton College this year. I wonder if my dad has school today. I am looking forward to exercising today. Right now it is about one o’ clock. I wonder who I will see today when I exercise. I wonder who Loomis is playing in athletics today, and I kind of miss seeing the games there. I am wearing my pretty new Nike T-shirt, as it is pretty hot out. I hope that I will be able to write here tomorrow.

Now I have got to write my conclusion. Well, writing here has worked out today. I hope that I will be able to write every day. I do not really know what my dreams mean right now, but writing them down will give me something to reflect on. Well, writing here has tired me out some. I do not think that it is easy writing. I have to look on the bright side of things now, and there is a bright side of things. I wish the reader well, of course. Now I am about through with my entry, and I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. I am off now, and I have written for about an hour. Bye bye.

 

Sunday, September 15 2002

 

I guess that I should talk about my dreams though I cannot remember any right now. It is unfortunate that I could not read this morning. Mamaw came over for dinner last night, and I had spinach lasagna. I saw some football yesterday. I think that my mom is talking to Mamaw now, but I hope that Mamaw does not come over today. I just want to concentrate on keeping a schedule today. There was nothing good on last night. I wish that I could remember a dream. My parents went out earlier today. The day is nice. I wonder what it would be like in college, and how I would like going to college. I would probably like it a lot. I wonder how Central Connecticut State would be. I wonder about community colleges, like Manchester Community College, and I wonder what kind of people go to Central or Manchester. I do not have much to say right now. I cannot even remember one dream. I have done some things in the past that I really regret, especially when I was psychotic. I hate that word psychotic.

I want to be healthy and off this medicine. I have the illness schizophrenia, and it is terrible being on medicine. I hate being on it. Maybe someday I will be off of it. I certainly hope that I will be off of it. I hate this medicine. I feel tired right now though I got up extremely late at abound eleven. I have not been able to read. I do not know what to write about. My thoughts seem to be going around at random from one thing to another. Maybe I should just write for about a half hour today. That would be better though I do not know what I will do for the rest of the day. I really have no idea what to do for the rest of the day.

It was supposed to rain today, but it has not rained yet. It does not look like it is going to rain today. I guess that maybe even writing is not going to work for me. This medicine really messes me up. I hate it. Last night I watched a poor movie called Hackers, which had some old computers on it. There was nothing

 

else on television. I am so messed up. I remember a dream that I had last night.

I was in a race on the snow, and I was up in front on a sled. There were two cool guys on the sled too, and it was their job to row through the snow to keep the sled going. I had to fight off the enemies from the back of the sled. I was in the back of the sled, and I had to fight off people. The sled reached the mountain part.

My group fell behind because the group only had a sled, and the other people had the proper snowboards. So, on the first bump that I reached, the sled went very high in the air though it did not go forward much.

Still, the group managed to finish fifth out of the other Loomis competitors. I went through a degrading experience at the awards ceremony. I was chosen as the worst character or something like that, but I knew that I was innocent. Now I have got to write my conclusion, but I guess that I will just finish writing down my dream. I found myself dressed in a tuxedo for the ceremony, but many people hated me. I hated them too. I knew that I was a good person, but they were blind to that. I did well on the race, but most of the people did not care about me. Well, at least I got in one dream today. I have got to go now. This entry was a tough one to write because I was so tired. I am off now. Bye bye.

I thought that I should write tonight. I just got home from a car ride with my mom. She is always so thoughtful and nice. I feel terrible today. I cannot read. Right now it is pretty hot in my room. Mamaw came over today to bring back my mom’s pocketbook. Things have not been going well today. I walked, but it tired me greatly. My mom suggested that I take some pictures though I am not a picture fan. I do not take too good pictures. I almost went to the Windsor Public Library today, but I did not go. I am hot now. I wrote for about a half hour earlier today. I have eaten way too much today.

I had some cheese puffs, some raspberry sorbet, a soy cherry yogurt, and a biscuit. The calories are adding up. I am so messed up on this medicine. It is around nine-thirty at night. I am looking forward to some good dreams. At least I am not starving. My parents talked to my sister today, and it is good that she seemed to be in good spirits. She works at the library there for money.

Therefore, she is responsible. I got on the Internet today for about ten minutes, and there is absolutely nothing of interest there in computer land. I looked for Macintosh games, but in that time I could not find any as the connection is not too fast.

Today I watched part of a football game, which was actually pretty good. The game was between the Buffalo Bills and the Minnesota Vikings. Mamaw told me that she hopes that I feel better. She had asked me if I had read today, and I said that I had not. My mom asked me if it was the book that I was reading was the problem and thought that maybe I should try reading a different book. That bad movie Hackers, nevertheless, made an impression on me, and I have been thinking a lot about it, identifying myself as a hacker even though I am not one. I can hear the crickets outside. I told my mom about how sometimes I get up at eleven o’ clock. She asked me if I remembered living with Mamaw and

 

Popee. I said that I did, but that was a white lie. I know that I lived there and that I lived on the third floor, but I have no specific memories that this medicine has not eradicated.

I wonder how much my mom remembers from those times, and she probably remembers a lot. This medicine really stinks. Going out on a ride with my mom seems to have helped me write here tonight. Taking a ride with my mom is better than staying here and watching television. My room is in good shape, except for too many clothes on one spot on the floor at the foot of my bed. Mamaw told my mom that she did not mind driving over to bring back her pocketbook. Mamaw is such a fine and upstanding citizen. I am not interested in becoming a geek and getting on the computer a lot. I have gone down that wrong road before. The world of geeks is not for me any more. I wonder if I will be able to read soon. I just hope that I will be able to read soon. After all, I have got a whole new set of books to read.

I saw a pretty exciting road race on television today. Anyway, enough about television. I hope that I do not get fat on these snacks that I eat. Those cheese snacks have a lot of fat in them. I am wearing my New Balance shoes, my khaki Hilfiger shorts, and a beige Loomis T-shirt. I am in style in a respectable way. I keep thinking of this catchy song from a Target commercial, which tells the viewers to keep on living in the red. The commercial repeats the message often of keep on living in the red. Anyway, enough about television. If anything in this world represents mind control, television is it. I cannot think when I am watching television because I am bombarded with people talking on shows and commercials. I cannot think for myself. I wonder if I ever will be able to read again.

I miss playing ping-pong with Popee. Up to the end of his life, Popee played ping-pong well. I hope that he sees me in a good light still. I miss him, like I said. Now I have got to write my conclusion. It seemed that I had a hard time walking today. I had the hard time near the end of my walk. I have The Adolescent and Les Miserables on the floor of my room untouched lately. I wonder when I will ever get to Fyodor Dostoevsky. I might never get to him; I do not know. I simply cannot predict the future at this point. Things seem to be falling apart all around me. Well, now I should go. I wish the reader well. I am off now. Bye bye.

 

Monday, September 16 2002

 

I just recently was watching a movie. I went out with my mom today to get an ice cream cone though I feel awful now. I took out a movie at the Windsor Library, which is called I, Claudius. I am writing this tonight at around eight- thirty at night. I have watched far too much television today. I am so messed up. Unfortunately, I have been a glutton today. I tried reading today, but I could read for only about five minutes. I have to go now because I feel terrible. Bye bye.

 

 

Tuesday, September 17 2002

 

I just recently got up. Obviously, I could not write yesterday. I feel somewhat better today, it seems. Last night, I saw the movie A Beautiful Mind. The movie was all right, but it was not that deep. My mom got me the movie along with the movie The Great Gatsby. I miss reading very much. I really do miss reading. The day looks nice out. I went to the Windsor Library twice yesterday. I feel bad that I have not been able to read lately. I have been so lazy. I just wish that I was off of this medicine, and maybe a better medicine will be found. I wonder how my dad is doing at Loomis. I feel bad right now. I feel tired. I do not know what to write about. Last night I went to McDonald’s and got a good ice cream cone.

I hope that I will be able to write this entry for about a half hour.  I feel down right now. I wonder if and when I will be able to read again. My mom brought me to McDonald’s, and I did not drive myself. I hear voices outside. I wonder how many movies I have watched in my life. I do not want to get into too many movies now, though, for that would take me too much away from reality.

I wonder what it would be like being a professor at a college or having a job. I would not like to work in a lot of places. I feel bad that lately I have not been able to read. I feel really bad about that. I was told yesterday that I had about a three-dollar fine at the library. The librarian asked me if I wanted to know what it was, but I said “No.” I think that by saying “No” I was rude to her, so I regret saying it. I should really have said “Sure.” I must never give up hope. I do not have any idea of what I am going to do today.

I guess that I could get more movies out of the Windsor Library though there are not many good ones there. I have no idea what to see. I stayed up later than usual last night to finish A Beautiful Mind, which was pretty long. I am writing this entry soon after I got up out of bed. It is pretty good that I got up today at around ten-thirty. I wonder if it is going to be hot out today. The sun looks strong right now. I hope that I find something constructive to do today.

Last night I had pork for dinner. I miss reading very much. I wonder if I will find anything good to do today though just writing here is fun.

My journal helps me. I have been thinking about publishing it, but who knows if I ever will. I hope that it is not too hot today. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I am glad that I wrote today, and this writing seems to help my condition, as it were. I hope that I am able to read some today, as I really want to read. Yesterday was a disaster. I cannot just watch movies all day long. Well, now I have got to go. Through all of this adversity, I must keep things in perspective. I am not in too bad a shape. Now, fair reader, I am off. Bye bye.

I just recently got home from a walk. I have not been having an ideal day. I went to the Windsor Library earlier today, and I took out three videos. I took out Swordfish, Cast Away, and The Talented Mr. Ripley. Today I watched some of

 

Swordfish, which had a lot of violence in it, unfortunately. I tried reading today but to no avail. Last night I had a dream that I was in the Loomis pool. I was in with the good people of the world, which numbered probably about twenty people. I joined their ranks in my dream. I knew that at the end of time, my good friends in the pool and I would still be living. The people were celebrating my entrance into their ranks. Although I am not a good swimmer in reality, I was pleasantly surprised that I could swim very well in the dream. I glided across the pool swiftly.

I also had a dream where I was in a movie theater. In the theater, which used to be the old one in town, there was a competition for who would be the finest fighter of the people in there. I decided to try to compete though I knew that the medicine slowed me down a lot. Time kept passing, and people kept getting eliminated though I was still standing. The final group consisted of three people. Then there were two people, me and another kid. I arm-wrestled him to see who would be stronger. I won this, and I became the finest fighter. I was very surprised at this.

In a dream some nights ago, I was turned into a duke because of my family history. I went to a meeting of the nobility of England. Everyone was in a nice room. There was only one black man there, and the nobility seemed not to treat him well. I was not sure therefore if I fit in there. In the dream about the theater, somehow there got to be a competition with who could play tennis well. The sides of the theater turned into tennis walls. One would hit the tennis ball against the wall, and it would bounce back. I was not doing too well because of my medicine. I was slowed down a lot. I was afraid that my life was on the line because this was a competition more serious than a normal one. There was not too much room on the wall to hit the ball because there was a wall of cameras. I saw another kid who was not too good, but he seemed better than me because he was not on medicine. I feel comfortable in this room now.

My dad went to sports this afternoon, and he coaches club tennis. I went for about a half-hour walk today, and I waved to Deborah Burns, who passed by. She is a nice person. It was strange and uncalled for that I waved twice though. I waved twice because I was kind of happy to see her. I used to always look forward to going over there, for the Burns family is nice. I did an injustice to Adam though by not putting his name in my senior blurb. Well, I will not dwell on that now. The day is nice out. I went to the Windsor Library today, and in the library I heard some of the generic talk going on. Two people commented on the weather. One older man came in and was talking to a middle-aged librarian. He said “thank you” twice and said how nice the weather was. Then out of the blue a man came in and told the librarian that the weather was quite nice. This librarian was a woman, and she looked and seemed nice.

She had on glasses and some blue mascara. She seemed very matter of fact. I tried to be polite to her because yesterday, like I mentioned in my journal, I was not very polite to the librarian in my view. My walk went well, and I passed

 

a Loomis or Windsor girl, who looked and reminded me of my aunt Ann. The girl wore Yale shorts and a T-shirt. Ahead of me for part of my walk were two kids with baggy pants, dressed kind of like hoodlums. There was one on roller blades. When a peer came up behind this group of three on a bike, the boy on roller blades grabbed the back of the bike and was dragged along behind for some way.

I am wearing blue J. Crew shorts, my pretty new white and baby-blue Adidas T-shirt, and a beige Burberry’s short-sleeved polo shirt. My life is really chaotic lately. I have obviously not been able to read. That movie Swordfish has some major issues, and by this statement I mean that it is pretty bad. I do not mean bad as in good, but I mean bad as in bad. Things have just not been going too well lately.

Last night I saw A Beautiful Mind, which was much better than Swordfish. I do like writing here even if I do write a lot. I wonder when I will be able to read again; I just cannot seem to concentrate. I wonder what there will be for dinner tonight. For lunch today I had a lobster roll, which my mom had bought at the grocery store. That was pretty good, and a nice change. It is too bad that I have not listened to music in a while. The day is really nice out. I obviously could not run, but I even got kind of tired walking. The movie A Beautiful Mind showed a lot of scenes from Princeton University. 

I wonder if the construction on the new gymnasium is done now though I doubt that it is. My dad asked me how I felt today, and I said that I felt so-so. He wanted me to mix things up a bit, like go take a walk and stuff. Right now it is around four-thirty. It is encouraging that I got up at a good time today at around ten-thirty. Last night I went out to get an ice cream cone with my mom, and the ice cream cone was quite good. Anyway, tonight I think that I will stay in the house. I will have written an hour for this second of two entries for today. The first one I wrote in about a half hour. So I will have written a total of about an hour and a half today. Right now I feel pretty decent, not useless as when I am watching a bad movie. Anyway, I wonder when my mom will get home from work today.

Sometimes she gets home very late. I wonder what will be for dinner tonight, and I hope that there is something good. For breakfast this morning I had a good bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. I really like that cereal. I hope that I get to reading soon. Now I have got to write my conclusion. I am so relieved that I wrote today. I do not know where I would be without this journal, and I just hope that I remain interesting to the reader. I hope that I have not spent too much time on my journal. I am so glad to have this computer to write on. Now I am off. Bye bye.