Tract Housing National Forest I

 

(Pearlie knocks once and enters the back door into the kitchen)

"Y'know, ifya move those honey buns from the back to the sides of yer head you'd have a sah-weet Princess Leia thing goin' on."

"Eff you."

"EFF you? Is...that...Miami sound machine I hear?"

"Yah yah, that's Marshall's kickboxing music."

"Well, certainly makes me wanna kick something.  He still on that Chuck Norris diet?"

"Yeah! He's lost like twelve pounds, says he won't be happy till he gets down to like two fifty. Says that's the appropriate weight for his height."

"What, five ten?"

"Uh-huh."

Hey,  he still workin' on that book?"

"Collateral Seduction."

"Oooh,yeeeeeeeeeeeeesh."

"Yeeaaah."

"How many...."

"Three..."

"Oh..."

"hundred..."

 

"...mah..."

"Chapters"

" ...gah!"

"He says it's like Saving Private Ryan meets Good Morning Vietnam meets Miss Saigon."

"Meets Fat Albert" (she says it with a french accent)

"Heh-heh, thing reads like a f*****g TV guide."

"He let you read it?"

"Noooooo, hell naw but, I is sneakay."

"Yes, yes you is.  Hey, speaking of sneakay, he notice yet we diluted the whiskey with tea?"

"No, and he won't. He only drinks it when he's already wine cooler drunk."

"Odd man that Marshall is."

"Yep, driven by want of character or, at least, persona."

"You told yer moms about (she rabbits her fingers) the... "bump?"

"No! And, I'm telling you, it was that stupid swiss army knife of his you felt."

"Well, a-stabbin' was a-comin'."

"Ewwwwwwwwww, gross!"

"Annski, you heard of Mayhem?"

(Annie pulls her blue hoodie over head and says mockingly) "Norweigan Black metal, scary."

"They have a song called, "Chainsaw gutsfuck."

"That is disgusting. They're a lil creepy...but mostly just silly."

(Annie holds up the catalog she's been thumbing through) "So's this."

"What is that?"

 

"A set of portable stairs for arthritic pets."

 

"Okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, nobel prize anyone?"

 

(A loud thud comes from the room above them, the girls faces draw blank, and they are momentarily silent)
"You don't think..."
"I dunno."
(They both go running up the stairs, Annie stops before the door, blocking Pearlie from entering. Miami sound Machine still blasting from the room)
"What are you doing? We have to..."
"You dont understand."
(Pearlie, again leans toward the door)
"No!"
"What!?"
"Umm, Marshall...works out..."
"Yes, we've established that."

"naked."

(Pearlie stifles a laugh, covering her mouth with her hand. Annie turns, yells through the door)
"MARSHALL!"
(nothing)
"MARSHAL, YOU FAT F**K!"
(Annie slowly reaches for the door and Pearlie crosses behind her, meeting at the jam. Both place their hand on the knob. Annie speaks quietly)
"Ok, one..."
"two..."
"three" (they push the door open and stick their heads in. Marshall is lying face down on the floor, motionless. Both girl's jaws slowly drop before they see him begin to flex his butt cheeks repeatedly. They close the door silently and run down the stairs laughing all the way)
"Oh my god!"
"Oh my god! You have the strangest step-dad in all the universe!"
(Their faces are red from laughter)
"It becomes more clear by the day why my mom would be a-steppin' out on him."
(Pearlie loses the expression from her face)
"Are you serious?"
"Ohhhhh yeah (the disappointment is evident) I think it's that gross tanning saloon guy."
"What!? Mitch Mitch the catcher's mitt?"
"Yeah, you've seen her. She goes there twice a week and the woman's tan as the bottom of my foot."
"That why your Dad..."
"No, I think that was him."
(The kitchen door springs open,  Annies mom enters, laughing into her cell phone. When she sees the girls she says solemnly into the phone)
"Ok, well, I'll call you later."
"Hi mom."
"Hey Mizzzz Lynn, How goes it?"
"Hello girls, how are you two?"
(Lynn is swallowing her smiles, her cheeks pink)
"Mom? Are you... drunk?"
(She rolls her eyes in return of the question and turns to open the fridge. The girls exchange suspicious looks.  Lynn  pushes her  hip to the  side holding the door open; she pulls her hair up, wraps it into a ponytail. After grabbing a a diet coke she leaves the room)
"Uhhh, Annie?"
"Yah?"
"Did you see that?"
"No, what? What did I not see?"
"Nothing, you didn't not see anything."
"No! What? What is it?"
"Your mom, she.."
"WHAT!?"
"She...had... lipstick on the back of her neck."
(Annie, picking at the butcher's block before her, says quietly)
"no, you didn't see that, that's, um, a birthmark."
"Ann.."
"A birthmark, ok?...
....okaaaaaaaaaaay?"

------------------------------
Denial is a strange and fucked up thing.  Best friend, worst enemy, all that.
Denial kept my ex-wife in wedded bliss for ten years while I battled a massive heroin addiction.
It also cost me my left testicle and lymphnodes.
Whatta pal, right?
There's another name for denial, habituation. You get so used to a stimulis you forget it's there.
Say you're at a baseball game. I hate baseball but let's just say.  You're sitting there and thirty feet out is a powerline running right down the third base line. At first, it's blocking your view, you can't see if the runner is tagged out or if he's safe. But, after awhile, it just disappears; it's thin as a thread.
The fact is, as humans, we'd die without the ability to habituate.
We'd die,
die or go crazy.

Reviews

[Clarisse Nanoit]

Ok. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I love the randomness of the weird, naked stepdad. Where do you come up with this stuff? Seriously, you have to give me specifics of the details on this one. :) I like the leading ladies. They're funny and remind me a lot of me and my friends. They're relatable for most people, I think. Denial IS a funny thing. I think maybe this could be extended, though it would kill the shock of the whole "finding out" thing. Maybe you should make that last part about denial an author's note instead of putting it where it is because it kind of confused me, but it goes well at the end. Very nice. Thanks for pointing me to this one!! I loved it, and I enjoyed reading it, as I do with everything you write. GREAT WORK!!!!
KH