I Am A Secret Agent

A story inspired by true events…

 

I am a secret agent - for whom, ah, that remains a mystery. I keep close tabs on my papers, my cards and personal information. You know, a secret agent must take care to stay hidden and underground. If my cover is blown, I'd have to move on. Go to some faraway place, like Mongolia.

 

All of my people know that the code word for danger is: “blockbuster.” We've been using this word for years. When someone is in danger we call them up and use the word in a sentence like, "you know, that party we had last week was a real blockbuster." When you hear that, the next thing you better be doing is jet to Mongolia.

 

I've taken an undercover job with the government. And I was happily preparing for a meeting with some of my secret operatives, when out of the blue I get a call from Blockbuster. I'm doing an emotional double-take. Is this for real?! Is this guy trying to tell me I'm in danger? I start to sweat; I can't go to Mongolia right now - I'm the carpool driver today.

 

As the guy talks, I can tell he doesn't have a clue, and sure enough turns out he is merely a guy that works for this place called Blockbuster Video. Now wait a minute buster - you say I rented Harry Potter, Up, Twilight?? There is no way, sir. I don't like the Twilight story and would never rent said movie, have seen Potter and just haven't gotten to Up yet.

 

All the time I'm thinking ... is this code for something? Harry, potter up twilight? What kind of verb is 'potter' - what does this mean? Do they potter in Mongolia?

 

He says, yep, you transferred your account to this store on Jan 28 at 1:15 pm, and rented these DVDs. Only way that can happen is if someone has your state issued picture ID or your Blockbuster card. I said back, I have those things in my possession, so there's something fishy going on. And where are you, I ask? Milwaukie. Well then no way - I've never been to your place. I live elsewhere.

 

I'm still trying to decipher this situation. M mmm Milwaukie. Does that sound like Mongolia? Is he trying to send me a coded message?

 

Ok, sez I. Just shut down the account. This is what we secret agents say when its time to move on.

 

And he sez - I can't do that. There is a missing DVD and we need it back or you have to pay. Oh really, sez I - get me the manager. I am the manager, he sez back. Well, then who do you talk to? He tells me that I have to file a police report for stolen identity, and then he can shut down the account.

 

To myself, I'm thinking, is this a counter espionage thing? Are "they" expecting me to quit, is that why they want my identity? Am I who I think I am or did they take my name and number away already? You never go to the police, as a secret agent. Why would this guy tell me to do that? Stolen identity - hmmm... I'll play along. Ok, I'll call the cops.

 

Milwaukie Officer Trong takes my information and immediately jumps to and says he will pronto go to the video store. The way he says it makes me think he does this all the time; maybe this video store is scamming and phishing for identities all the time. Or maybe they are the people sent to "shut down accounts" when it's time for a secret agent to go - quit or move to Mongolia.

 

Pretty soon, I get a call from Officer Trong, "do you know a Susan Ellis?" Well, in the secret agent business you don't go around blabbing who you know, and why did he pick that name out of the air?  This is a person I've traveled with, if you get my drift. We've done secret agent stuff. There were the game wardens; and the plans for the Yugo bi-furcated carburetor. We've been around.

 

I take a chance and say "yes - best friend" ... that's code language for I could definitely pick her out of a line up.

 

Well, sez Officer T, she's the one that used your card. Is there any reason she would have your card? No. How did she come by it? I don't know. Would she have intentionally taken it? Oh no, no, no, no.  Can you deal with this on your own he sez? Ohhhhh, yes!

 

I'm rolling things around in my mind here. He is asking questions like he wants to know how we operate; how we pass things to each other for our secret agent work; and now I'm wondering are "they" checking up on both of us? Did someone slip SE my card to see what she'd do with it? To see how I'd react? To get us both out of the game and "shut down our accounts?"

 

The only way to deal with this: we both will have to go to Mongolia, lay low for awhile, drink some yak butter tea, overnight in a yurt, see the Milky Way, be out in the middle of nowhere. That's it - go where no one can sneak up on us. I hear they have DVD players in Mongolia, in yurts, connected to their satellite dishes. No “blockbuster,” no danger.