Buried away

One of the bodies in my closet comes out for a little fun.

Today, I remembered someone, someone from my buried past. The first girl that I ever felt anything for. Sure it was a middle school crush and those hold little weight when you think about the long term, but this girl was special. In fact, looking at it now she was very much like my current girlfriend. (I’m sorry baby) This girl was untouchable, the best of the best. I like her even when I was at my lowest. I am not the clean student everyone thinks. I was a complete f**k up… I think I still am. I was the stupid dumbass walking in a group of cigarette smoking 14 year olds that wanted to feel cool. My best friend was a pot head and I had fun with them, I had one good friend, who for some reason stayed by my side, he ended up going to U. Penn and I am happy that I wasn’t responsible for holding him down. Did I ever smoke? Yes, I fucked up … I like telling people that I came from that environment and that I was able to hold strong, but in all honesty I wasn’t. I was everything I hate today. I was that idiot that did everything to keep others happy, from hurting and breaking others down. I was a piece of s**t and now that I look at it everything I have done in the past years was to rectify what I once became.

Even then there was one person I couldn’t touch, one girl that I could never hurt because she was a goddess amongst the rest of the people at the school. She was a brilliant mind with a nice heart, the only girl to have ever made me see my errors, and the first girl I ever thought I loved. Every time I had the chance to talk to her I felt so small and insignificant something that I had never experienced before, just wanting to be able to enjoy the small moments because I was probably going to do something completely stupid afterwards.

            I guess the thing that I loved most about her is that she was so reserved. She and I were friends in the 6^th grade becoming closer over the year, until I strayed off into my path and she continued hers. She told me everything she had never kissed a guy, she was as cookie cutter as they come and in the end that was me too for the while. I was too scared to ask her out at first because she was my closest friend and I didn’t want to scare her off. Time went by and our decisions made us grow apart, I fucked up but there she was towards the end of 8^th grade still never having a boyfriend and I was a corrupted versions of the friend she knew 2 years before.

            Time for choosing schools came by and I knew that she was going to a school nearby that was renounced for being better than the rest. I was set on going, but not before I gave it a shot. To be the first guy that this goddess ever said “I love you too” she was not like the rest of the girls, everyone else wanted something quick with no strings, no emotion, no reason. She wanted the first guy to matter, and I stupidly thought I could be worth that spot. One day while walking towards my house I took a different route, the route that I knew she walked. There I walked her home and asked her if she wanted to go out with me, that I was working on my application to the school and that it could work. I remember very clearly she said I use to be a sweet guy, but that something happened along the road. That she couldn’t say yes because she knew that I would be no good for her. I said “oh, okay. I’m sorry.” And walked back, she called out my name, but my pain wouldn’t let me turn back. I left home and felt really bad, this girl was special and I could not blame her for saying no, I was a f**k up and that’s what I was in her eyes. S**t, I wouldn’t take myself seriously, but it still hurt so much that I didn’t care what happened. I true everything away, my so called friends thought they were a little gang and since I didn’t want to see their faces again I left and they “had to jump me out.”  I got hurt! They fucked me up for 3 14 year olds I got bruised up on my body for weeks luckily they accepted my request to not hit my face so I wouldn’t have any explaining to do at home or school. I remember I bruise on the side of my stomach that especially hurt every time I moved essentially. 20 seconds that felt like an hour scheduled afterschool in the P.E. field, where I couldn’t do anything to fight back or else the rest of the school year would be that.

            As that went by I did my best to avoid her, she heard about what happened and felt bad, but I didn’t want pity. I remember burning the application to the high school in my back yard and along with it burning the trash bin. I ended up going to another high-school and that’s where I met all of the people that today I call friends.

            There will always be what if’s but this one will always be one of the biggest ones. What if it worked a different way? Today I remembered her and found her, she is currently attending Columbia University another Ivy League School. Honestly, she probably made the right choice that day and I am happy for her.

            I am happy with my current life and girlfriend who makes me the happiest guy alive when we don’t have our issues. But that day I did swear that I would not make the same mistakes ever again. I swore that I wouldn’t be hurt like that for something that was my fault and that I could have changed before. So when I started my next high-school, fresh and clean new start because very few people from my old school went there I swore I would be the best. I had to be the untouchable king of the school, because I never wanted to be with a dumb popular girl. Every girl that I genuinely cared about was caring loving and intelligent because they resembled that first love. I went there to be the best and I achieved it, nobody could argue that I was at the top by the end of the year and because I wasn’t some random f**k up I was able to find my girlfriend another beautiful loving and intelligent young lady. I promised to never disappoint her, and to make hard decision in order to keep my image high in her eyes.

            I remembered my past today and I just wanted to let it go for once, there were many reasons I changed my image but losing a friend and my first opportunity of love was the biggest one of them all.

            I do not regret how everything worked out because as interesting as it would have been, I am more than happy with where I ended and how my future looks.