Un-pretty Please

Un-pretty Please

I don’t want to be pretty
Please don’t judge me
Yes I have a self esteem
But it’s backward and off
Like their pants or eyes closing
Like the lights dimming
I can see it in their glassed eyes
Stopping staring cat calling
Whistling it is never ending
Imagining me twisting and bending
Ever since he stopped caring
That is when I started noticing
When he stopped noticing
I started crying
Scared
Wishing they wouldn’t stare
Them thinking of me naked
I cannot bear it
I feel objected
I feel so lost and broken
I beg to him to please stop them
He won’t listen
It’s all in my head
He says
But I’m not crazy
I think
Fine don’t listen
Find me dead
It’s a real fear please do not condemn
Be spiteful or hate me
I feel shaky
Twitching eyes
As they think of my trembling thighs
Please Id trade places with anyone
Who wanted
You won’t want it
Stuck in this body
Stuck I said
I want out
Out of this skin
Please just let me crawl
Back into you
Let me fall

K.S. 02/2013

**I am in no way trying to be conceited and I do welcome constructive criticism and I love hearing your commentary as well**Here is some background: I do not lack in self confidence or esteem but I'm not conceited and I believe there are better looking people out there but I know I'm not "ugly" (<whatever your definition is for that word) well s**t really anyone no matter what they feel they look like could feel the same... Anyways about 6 months or less ago I received some pretty nasty sexual in nature txt messages from a supposed old friend very vulgar very crude and intimidating. I was also in the middle of my breakup then. I felt unsafe unsure like I had absolutely nobody to stand up for me protect me or even hold me and tell me those things weren't warranted or weren't right. I felt alone scared paranoid it was like being verbally raped. I had always been comfortable in my surroundings I had never thought about the real stuff that could happen to me until I went through this. I'm still recovering I still have problems functioning in my day to day life I can hardly go to the grocery store some days. I thought every man I saw was going to hurt me. I have since gotten better, it is a slow process. People I told about my problem said I was stupid and crazy and I'm lucky to be pretty and wanted, that just made it worse. Everyone I told dismissed my fear and I guess thought i was seeking attention. I felt so alone and at times I even contemplated cutting myself or mutilating my body in some way to make me less desired or un-wanted. my logic for that was someone who truly loves me wouldn't care if i was mutilated/ugly/not as pretty so it wouldn't all depend on my looks. I haven't cut or mutilated so I am thankful for that. Anyways that's the jist hope someone finds something in this that they can relate to or find some solace.

“Ask your female friends, if you have any, if they’ve ever walked home late at night with a key pushed through their knuckles, just in case, if they’ve ever crossed the street to avoid a stranger, just in case, if they’ve ever taken the long way home because of the weird guy on the corner, just in case. Ask them if they’ve ever made up a boyfriend to get a guy to leave them alone, if they’ve ever gotten off a train car and moved to the next because you just never know, if they’ve ever shelled out for a cab because men like you were at the bus stop. Do you really want to be that guy?”
�" A Letter To The Guy Who Harassed Me Outside The Bar

Reviews

[CNC9619]

I don't think I'm exceptionally pretty but, I do understand what you are talking about. I have a slight fear of men which makes me feel bad sometimes because obviously most men are not trying to attack you but, you can never be too careful. I've felt this way all my life but, it was heightened when I was followed home last year in broad daylight. So I would say keep being extra cautious because you never know, you might come across that one person. Also, it's not not always just men, but they are definitely the ones I worry about just because it is easier for them to overpower you.

[K.S.78]

Thank you for the review!

[Shay]

this is very powerful and well written.. I liked it a lot

[Zero_Edge88]

Oh for what society had its worth we are slowly throwing and burying it away. Morals, manners and even formality.

As we are taught nothing of what is to come we ignore it and throw it away-this is what man has become. It is not my deepest sympathies that I could sympathize you with for what transpired it eventually had taken its course rather an offertory of compassion. (And this is coming from a guy who is still single and no serious relationships so please bear with me.).

There are unspoken truths to this world we live in but to those who speak up get criticized, ostracized or worse excised from this world. This is one of them, the man. The man who recklessly throws aside all kinds of profanity in this world so that their "affection" is given across point. It's a sad sideshow that even put in drama an audience would dare to throw themselves across the stage so they may save that one but it is too late. What naivete we really run these days through the words of mouth especially us men. Discretion is not in our vocabulary, especially what hell the woman goes through. It is disrespect and the disease known as disrespect and discontent.

To give humility we throw humiliate, to respect we disrespect and to reserve we disregard...all these things that matter to you when you need to recover we throw it away. WHY? Do we just not see how it is when you need the time to heal. It is unreal and shows the scales of an unworthy being.

Know you are heard but unheard to the human ear rather it is the unspoken soul that hears you out and lets you in for comfort and camaraderie. We don't sound the same, you and I but know that if you want to be heard just say so and we will tune to our soul to hear you out and keep our ears sharp. Pretty or unpretty there is a mirror in us that we cannot see but will always give us the confidence to know that we are graced by the beauty given to us and that is why we call it a soul mirror. :)

[.Em.]

Wow this is the anthem for women every where.. well ... mostly lol. Everybody has a different perspective to the story and I can relate well with you. Honestly, At the end of the poem I had a general understanding of what was going on but reading the author's note really got me to understand it. Maybe that was your way of letting the reader explore their own meaning to the poem. Anyways, Great Read. And a Truth that is not stressed enough.

[K.S.78]

I did want to leave it open to personal interpretation as much as I could anyway. I really was ignorant to these things until I had this scary experience. You are absolutely right though, that it is not stressed enough. Thank you for the review!