Social Faux Pas

A flash fiction piece about a personal experience. Just a fun little story I felt was worth sharing.

Have you ever laughed so hard during a meal that it triggers a socially embarrassing reflex involving a beverage and your nose? From experience, it’s not a fun ten seconds for any involved. Let us picture the following scene. You are out at a nice restaurant for the first time with an attractive date. The lighting is dim, but not so much that you cannot see the other patrons enjoying quiet conversation. The meal has just been served, and so far the conversation has been relaxed and easy.

 

Out of the corner of your eye, you notice a TV playing a rerun of Home Improvement in the bar across the hall. Focusing back on the conversation for a moment, you take a long, easy pull of your favorite brew. As the fates would have it, your eyes wander back to Tim Allen running around with a piece of plywood glued to his forehead. The corners of your mouth twitch a tiny bit. No big deal, your brain sends a casual message to your mouth to stop drinking. Unfortunately, it arrives seconds too late.

 

You must’ve seen this stupid episode a dozen times, but this time around is special. Tim Allen is so clever! He actually glued a piece of plywood to his head! Frantically, you search for something – anything – else to focus on, but your mind is devoid of anything but the danger prone Tool Man across the bar. If only you could ask your date a question. How was your day? What do you think of France’s latest economic policy? What is your favorite Pokémon?

 

She understands none of this; she is focusing on her twenty-five dollar burger. Evidently it’s good.

 

You stifle a laugh, but that only makes the liquid in your mouth fizzle more, making the situation significantly more desperate. You clamp your mouth shut to seal off any chance of leakage but that just ends up with you grinning idiotically as your date awkwardly sips her water. You know you need to calm down in order to avert disaster, but right now the only clear thought you can focus on is Tim, and his head stuck to a piece of wood. This creates a vicious cycle that quickly builds up pressure within your mouth. The clamped jaws are holding, but the stressed liquid looks for an alternative route.

 

A few agonizing seconds later, it finds one.

 

By now your face has turned a fine shade of red as your eyes water a bit. The battle is over. There is the sensation of an underwater sneeze followed quickly by a brief period of choking; then comes the burning, burning shame of billions of carbon atoms heading North, and then horizontal. Mass exodus.

 

Date over.

Reviews

[Cupofwords]

That was very funny. Tim Allen makes a great antagonist. And Pokemon! This story has it all. At first I really didn't want to picture the following scene but I'm glad I did.

[Detective Watts]

Tim Allen is historys greatest villain.

[The Wave]

i love this so much.

i couldnt help but laugh as i kept on reading through it
you provided great imagery and gave a great scenerio for this situation to occur.
you told the reader what to expect at the beginning but it still surprised me when i came across it at the end

overall, this was great, i look forward to reading more from you.
good job.