2012 - One Year Later

Sometimes insomnia is not a bad thing, especially when you are lucky enough that your special someone is also wide awake at that hour and you share it getting to know each other better. Sunday night my love and I fell even more deeply in love and today I feel inspired to write again.

It's been over a year since I opened my account on Writer's Cafe to pour out the conflicted contents of my aching heart. Much has happened in the interim that resolved those issues in a manner so awesome that a re-visit seems appropriate and necessary.

I fought with that particular heart-ache, letting it build to the point where I finally decided that resolution was the only thing that would put it to rest one way or another so that life could move on, and so began seeking out opportunities to take her aside and discuss my questions regarding my orientation and my deep feelings for her. She was actually once again sans committed relationship - don't know how I got so lucky since I waited for so many years the chance of that happening were getting slimmer.  It took 8 months after that post to finally achieve closure, and it set off a new beginning that is so beyond words as to be out of this world. Admittedly in the end, I very nearly screwed it up by being a totally wimp chicken until she finally let me know, in her fashion, that she was ready to hear what I'd been hinting at. I very nearly denied it, but my soul sat and screamed at me: "You IDIOT!!! She's saying she's "Got it" - and if you don't open your damned mouth, you will forever and for the rest of your life regret it!" One kiss was all it took, and BOOM - issue resolved!

I no longer have any mis-conception that I am hetero. Not even close. 20 active years in a straight marriage non-withstanding. I long for her, ache for her body, go thru spells of being totally horn-dog for her for days on end. I sat on the female equivalent of an erection for 2-3 weeks after that first kiss before we got brave enough to explore bodies without clothes. If THAT wasn't a sign! My shut-away libido had come back to life with a vengeance! Even then, it took me a few months after those first passionate nights to finally give up trying to define my orientation, since the "old me" - basically my upbringing, my brainwashed youth that taught me to never question the notion that getting married involved a guy - had to let go of those ideas and start figuring out just exactly where the real me was inside my head, to break training and explore new thought patterns, new ways of looking at men and women beyond the old embedded reactions. Eventually gave up after these past 5 months in trying to decide on an orientation - I don't think that I really NEED an orientation. To me declaring oneself to be interested in a range of gender(s) means being open to shopping that spectrum. I have never in my life been able to do the whole bed-hopping thing - it just never fit. So, if you MUST have a label, declare me "Mono-sexual" since I am only ever interested in one person at a time. That person becomes my world, my crack-cocaine, and there is absolutely no room to even look at anyone else as anything but a friend.

You can still go on thinking of me however you want, when you see me kissing my girl and fondly running my hands over her curves you'll say "Lesbian". I'm cool with that. People need to put things in boxes in order to feel there is order in the world, and I expect to be living as a Lesbian for the rest of my life because this wonderful woman is everything I will ever need. Maybe after a few more years I will be comfortable under that label, but right now part of my soul sees so many "Butch Dykes" that declaring myself one of them would mean denying my very girly side, even tho I wander back and forth across the line between one day being very feminine and another day wanting to strut around showing off my masculine side. Part of me still enjoys teasing the heck out of my male friends, but that too may be embedded behavior. When I was growing up, I related to guys as buddies, I was very much a tomboy and loved to do guy stuff, and had little interest in the girly trappings. But adulthood, and a career as a bellydancer taught me that I could get flattery by showing off as a sexy woman, so I'm re-evaluating if that is me or just an outlet for the attention-seeker inside, now some of that need is now being covered by performing as a Drag King.  I do know I'd far rather go bra-less and wear flats and pants and always have, as I totally hate heels, panty-hose, and long fingernails (and don't even ask about the battle with false eyelashes, which often involves more drama than a full beard prosthetic..).  But will doll myself up with abandon IF it's for a public appearance that will make someone else happy. I take pleasure in the artistry of the picture I create whether embodying the girl image or the boy image, but am just as happy to take the makeup OFF as soon as I can.

Ah well. It probably isn't important in the end to determine if one side outweighs the other. Most likely BOTH are me and always will be. I have never been one to be easily put into a box anyway in other things, so why should this issue be any different? I'm finally getting to the point where I can give up obsessing about what box I'm gonna be filed in, and just go on and live my life as ME. In day-to-day life what I see in the mirror is starting to edge towards androgynous. The long curly hair is definitely gone and other possibly defining habits are getting dropped in the interest of comfort. Some of that is just as likely due to age - I DID pass 50 a few years back after all, and it might be a symptom of that too.  Who cares? There's still a life-time ahead to sort things out, IF they truly need sorted. Being deliriously in love is really all that matters.

So, you ask, where was HER head during all this, seeing as all this worked out so miraculously? Basically I found out that she had been fighting making passes at me for years as well. Sigh. Guess we were BOTH really good actors. But now she lets the stars in her eyes shine out when she looks at me, and that's all it takes to keep me totally enraptured in her spell. And as for the other side, as she teasingly put it, she accepts that my orientation is "Anne-sexual", since looking at her is the ONLY thing that will start my juices flowing. The brief glimpse of her bare body, flitting past our shared bed in the morning after her shower, is the fuel that energizes my day and keeps me "Jones-ing" for her until she comes home in the evening. Nuff said.

Oh, and yes, we got engaged soon after my "coming out", moved in together, and will soon be setting a date for a wedding that will rock the world! Wish us luck and happiness!