High On Life

A Story by KarinaVee

He took me to the top of the world, to the very edge of the earth. He reached out his hand and said “Trust me”, as I was approaching the last few feet of elevation. I didn’t trust him, I didn’t trust the height, and when I looked down I saw the rest of the world in a blur of green and blue below me. But I walked with him anyway.

In big block letters, straight ahead in the distance, a distance that is immeasurable, I saw “Welcome to the World”, written the same way “Hollywood” is in its famous hills. “Welcome to the World”; I was standing above it. I don’t know how I got there, I didn’t know a place like this existed, didn’t know if with a few more steps I would die or fly.

He turned to me, to his left, and asked ever so seriously “Do you remember the first time you saw your face?” No one has ever asked me that, I have never asked myself that, never even thought about it. And it intrigued me more than anything anyone has ever asked me before. It wasn’t a “How do you feel about…” or “What do you think about…” It wasn’t a question I could answer with my gut, or with my intuition. Not a question I could reply with my college degree or something I saw on TV. It was a question that required me to scan, far, far back into my mind, trying so hard to find that memory of the

First time I saw my own face.

And what did I think when I did? Did I know who it was, who I was? Who was she to me, looking back? Was I scared of her, did I embrace her and smile at her? Was she pretty to me, older than me, inferior to me?

I really thought, but had to honestly answer, “No, I don’t”

He knew the answer though. “It was the first time you saw a rain drop.”

What a bizarre answer, I thought. But I understood it, or so I thought. Through water, through its translucent property, a reflection can be caught. That’s what water does, it reflects back an image. This is easy to imagine with a deep body of it, like a lake, a pond, even a puddle. But a raindrop is so small, and it falls so fast, how can we ever get a glimpse of ourselves in just one droplet? But I believe it, because he said so. Because he said it so confidently, and so abstractly, that it has to be true. It’s so beautifully odd, that it has to be the secret revealed.

It’s so beautifully odd, that it has to be the secret revealed. That’s how I feel about being on top of the world, too. It's so ridiculously absurd, but yet I experienced it, so it has to be real, in some sense. Even if it was a dream, I saw it, I remembered it, I felt the feeling of excitement and fear and uncertainty, being up there, having him make me wonder about the first time I ever really looked at a reflection of the eyes, and mouth, eyelashes and structure of this being, bearing my name and my organs and blood and thoughts and emotions and my essence.

Ever since then, since that question, I realized how important it is that we face ourselves over and over and over. Face ourselves physically- stare into the mirror, or the glass, or that droplet of rain- and take in our physical presence. The most important part? The pupils. It's the darkest part of the eye, and yet its through the pupils where you can truely see the soul; the inside of someone. Face ourselves metaphysically- who are you? What do you want? WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE? WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO? What makes you feel high?

~

Even if this- all of THIS- is a dream, make believe, a lie, a conspiracy, a test, subjective- even though its all so absurd, odd, crazy, twisted, bizarre, confusing- its happening. We’re experiencing it, wether we love it, hate it or are indifferent. Its all we have, its what were given, for now.

Sometimes people reach out their hands, willing to show us the world, whatever the “world” is to you. Money? Sex? Affection? Comfort? And we reluctantly take it, take their offerings, because we want a taste of it. We want that view; the view from above, high on life. High off of life, maybe that’s better. High off of something, someone. And its quite possible its all an illusion, very possible. Even the biggest high ever- LOVE- maybe that’s just an illusion too....

KV ©