Night of the Living Dead Obesity

A Voodoo Zombification ritual goes wrong infecting a newly wed couple of unpleasent people who turn on the local city population crating a new but slightly less terrifying kind of Zombie Apocalypse.

There was a couple named Helen and David who were engaged to be married.  Both were lazy, self-centered, enormous and didn't care for exercising, appearances or worry about what they ate.  As their wedding day loomed Helen started acting like a spoiled brat to the point where her bridesmaids were calling her Bridezilla.  David was an outrageous flirt and shocked his friends with how he got even sleazier.

 

"It's as if he's trying to pick up as many women as he can before he gets married!?"

 

Spoke David’s black curly haired friend as he leaned towards the other guest at the Buck’s night.  They all sat around the table with the stripper dancing on top, in the function room at David’s favourite Irish Pub.

 

"I know I'm the best man but even I think he's acting like an a*****e.  It’s as if he doesn’t consider that he’s in a relationship and about to get married……I give them five minutes of marriage until they split."

 

Whispered David's friend.

 

The wedding day came and went with the ceremony and reception taking place at the function room of a large, fancy hotel.  Later in the night the newlyweds retired to their honeymoon sweet conveniently at the top floor of the hotel.  Helen got peckish as it's only been an hour since she ate a banquet suitable for 10 people.  She ordered fried fish from room service.  David watched TV flipping to the pornography channel while Helen wasn't looking.

 

In the kitchen that night was the Chef, known as Papa V.  This night he was short staffed meaning...hotel management was too cheap to hire an assistant.  Papa V was frustrated with the poor management and their refusal to hire more staff.  So he figured he’d use the puffer fish he ordered.  He'd use its toxin in a ritual to make a Zombie.

 

“It’ll be ma’ slave in the kitchen and work for free!  Kinda’ gross having a walking dead guy around food.  I'll just keep ordering it to wash its hands.”

 

Papa V said to himself in his New Orleans accent.  He worked alone so he would talk to himself without caring what anyone thought…. after all he was alone, who would care?

 

Conveniently the puffer fish arrived just as he got the order for the honeymoon suite.  However, Papa V in multi-tasking with the phone order for fried fish and signing for the delivery of the puffer fish got mixed up, during this juggling act he cooked the puffer fish and sent to the Honeymoon suite.  It was an obvious difference between fish but poor Papa V was so overworked that he was making really stupid mistakes.

 

Later that night with the fresh corpse of the poor homeless man that hanged out near the kitchen exit, Papa V found in a spot in the alley where he wouldn’t be disturbed.  He was about to commence the ritual until he realised his mistake.

 

"Damn!  I give up, having a Zombie around food is gross anyway."

 

He already had the Voodoo symbols drawn in chalk on the rough, concrete ground, candles burning, rattle, drum, machete and bottle of rum laid out on a white table cloth on the ground.  Papa V held up the ordinary looking fish feeling incredibly foolish.

 

“This’s way worse than the time the phone rang but I picked up the remote for the TV!”

 

Helen received her room service and scoffed down a piece of the fish.  She sat upright in bed with David who had his right hand in his underpants as she was oblivious to the pornography he was watching.  Helen wiped the grease from her mouth and turkey neck chin with her hairy arm that was thick as a tree trunk.  She only had one piece of the fried fish but fell backwards in the bed and passed out.  David grabbed the plate quickly as she fell back.  He ate the other piece, lied down with Helen, both never to awaken...alive.

 

Hours went by and a day, the hotel staff grew suspicious, they're used to newlyweds staying in all day humping like bunnies, having guilt free sex (if they were Christian) and calling rom service but they didn't hear a peep.  The security guard was sent up to check on them, to his horror the husband was nothing but a pile of bones as the wife had eaten him and still chewing on a thigh bone. Still wearing her wedding dress and looking like the living dead she reached out to the security guard.  He stood stunned only to scream as she bit into his shoulder blade.

The guard managed to run down the hall until he collapsed onto the floor, died, then stood up again and quickly inflated into a fat Zombie himself.

 

In ‘some’ horror movies Zombies move fast but these ones were fat so weren’t capable of moving fast anyway.  However incapable the obese Zombies are it didn't take long for the Fat Zombie epidemic to spread and so that section of the city where the hotel became a blockade with Police and Army Reserve at guard making sure the Fat Zombies don’t make it out of the zone.

 

Sure enough the Fat Zombies tried to break the barriers and the Police and soldiers respond with gunfire but bullets had no effect, ammunition was running low.  They tried single head shots but no one could aim, a sniper was called in and he destroyed one Fat Zombie but couldn't do anymore as the government couldn't afford to buy more than one bullet.

 

"I voted Liberals...they used to love the ADF, what happened!?"

 

Cried out the Major.

 

"They got too cheap like the rest of them politicians."

 

Mumbled an Infantryman who was standing guard near the officers.

 

The Fat Zombies broke through the barrier and the Army Reserves evacuated.  The infantry ran except one, Chubba Chub who was fat and too slow, a Fat Zombie caught up with him, grabbed him from behind and grasped onto Chubba Chub’s left shoulder blade while tearing away the should strap of his webbing and ripping the Australian bush camouflage shirt, tearing and bitting into him.  His mates ran back and rescued him, one of them grabbed Chubba Chub as the other bashed the Fat Zombie in the head with the butt of his F-88 rifle.  They struggled to drag the injured soldier from the Fat Zombie horde, over the second defence barricade and took him to medical bay.  Didn’t take long for Doctors to examine the injured Private and predicted what would happen next, they've all seen at least one Zombie film.  Chubba Chub was strapped to a hospital bed and in just a couple of minutes became a fat Zombie.

 

From roof tops snipers noticed how the swarm of Fat Zombies stood clear away from gyms, health food stores and sport and fitness shops.  The gyms had large photos of fit people exercising all over their walls and windows.  A spotter radioed this observation to his command post.

 

“…. maybe this affects them.  Zombies are raiding food markets but not the health food section.”

 

The spotter spoke into his radio head set as he focused his binoculars into the store front of a grocery store, he had a good view of the inside of the shop, even from the roof top he was posted at.

 

The doctors listened into this radio report from inside their large medical tent.  One of the medics had an idea.  The tall, athletic, golden blonde curly haired woman rubbed her pointy round chin as she went through her camouflage pack and pulled out a sports bottle that contained a diet shake she made earlier before the medic realised the seriousness of the situation.  Increasing her fitness routine, the medic thought she could skip eating at the mess once in a while with a diet shake.  She shared her theory with the team of white lab coat clad doctors.

 

Out of random curiosity one of the doctors sprinkled diet shake mix onto Chubba Chub’s bare and injured left shoulder and he screamed as he shrank to a healthy size, better looking and a lot fitter than he was before he was bitten.

 

Fortunately, the quarantined section of the city contained the Fat Zombies prevent the epidemic from spreading too far, for one thing the Fat zombies were too fat and slow.  While the epidemic was at least successfully contained, the Army Medics began to think of ways of delivering the cheap but effective cure.  In the meantime, soldiers ward off the Zombies by throwing fresh fruit and vegetables.

 

"Take that you fat b******s!"

 

Yelled out a Private as he threw the contents of a fruit salad over the barricade at the horde of Fat Zombies.

 

"That's not very politically correct."

 

Chastised a Corporal.

 

"Who cares?  They're dead anyway."

 

Chuckled a Sergeant as he was enjoying the ‘food fight’ too much.

Meanwhile Zombie Chubba Chub was chained to a tread mill and force fed diet shakes while watching Michelle Bridges along with Mike Cheng You Tube videos on weight lifting.  As he was doing this he got thinner and thinner.  Hours passed until he collapsed, coughing and spluttering the doctors removed the feeding tube and restraints.  Obviously he was cured.

"Where am I?  What the hell happened!?"

Chubba Chub looked better than he did before, he looked fit!

"Hey...wow, I can bend over and tie up my shoe lace!  I feel great!"

The Commanding Medical Officer saw this and turned to the Major.

"This gives me an idea.  We can cure those fat b******s.... I mean Fat Zombies...I mean infected.  All I need is two massive screens with projectors, internet access and a helicopter carrying 4 tonnes of diet shake mix."

 

The Army Reserves managed to herd the Fat Zombies into a street where there was only one way in and out.  Two projector screens unfurled onto the buildings in front of them, then across the street behind them.  A film started to show people doing aerobics.  The Fat Zombies screamed as a helicopter hovered above spraying diet shake all over them.  It didn't take long for them to shrink into the size of slim bodied healthy people.

 

"What just happened and why do I have a hankering for tofu sushi?”

 

One of the victims muttered as medical staff ran in with stretchers and blankets. 

 

And so the epidemic of obesity ended with the majority on a healthy diet and exercise...except for Bridezilla as she was the one the copped the only bullet to the head, after all no one survives that be it human or Zombie.

 

Author's Note

Of course this is not meant to be taken in the least bit seriously. However when I wrote this I think I was trying to hint at promoting a healthy lifestyle of good diet and exercise.