She can never know

A poem I wrote from the prospective of the cousin of a closeted lesbian.

We grew up together,
Being cousins and all.
We grew close together.
I'm shaken to the bone .
Because I had known,
And wished it wasn't true.

I don't know when I start thinking of her different.
Maybe it was the silence
When her brother used the word f*g
Maybe it was the silence
When all the other girls would talk about crushes.
It certainly wasn't in the things she said
But her silence seemed even louder

She liked the way she dressed.
She liked the way other people dress.
Wearing jeans and a tank top she was happy
Wearing a Sun dress and high heels she was happy
She was always happy
I miss that

She was friendly
Always the one  to remember birthdays.
Always the one to ask if you were okay
If she could help
With a gentle smile and an outstretched hand
You were always welcome with her.

"My friend Derek" she'd say,
"My friend Alex" she'd say.
Always friends.
Always just friends.
But not when the name started popping up.
"Jenny said this" or "you'll never believe what Jenny did"
Is Jenny not her friend?

Jenny didn't go away
Not like her friends did
They faded
But Jenny became brighter
And brighter
And brighter
Until I couldn't ignore
Couldn't pretend
The rainbow wasn't there.

Sometimes I wish she told me
So I could tell her it didn't  matter
But it does matter

Sometimes I wish she  would have been more secretive
So she wouldn't be so different
But she is different

Sometimes I wish I was like her
So I could be okay with it
But I'm not okay with it

It's revolting
It sickens me to my core
But if she ever gets the courage to speak up
I will lie
I will hug her with tears
Telling her she is flawless
Because it's not her flaw
It's mine

But until she get a her courage
Until she gets her voice
We will sit together in silence
Thinking to ourselves
"She can never know"