Loving discretely

Loving discretely

A Poem by K.

Denial and carelessness

the thin masks we wear

Spiraling visions

Of moments we share

 

A friendship blurred

The lines were crossed

Neither one budges

In fear of the loss

 

Doused in the turmoil

Agonizingly infectious

Feigning disinterest

But secretly jealous

 

I don’t want you

You don’t want me

 

And yet here we are

both loving discretely 

© 2013 K.


Author's Note

K.

would love suggestions.
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I like how you talk about masks to start this poem. Using that image helps tell the reader that these two people have another identity that they are concealing. Seeing these relationships develop, seeing them slowly unveil themselves, often becomes a theatrical performance.

I have a few minor suggestions that I'll offer for your consideration. Using the word doused in the first line of the third stanza does provide a feel for how the stress of the situation envelopes both people. I think you could substitute that word for another that reinforces the idea of concealment to go along with the theme that you establish with the masks in the first stanza. The word doused sets up the idea of being covered, but not necessarily concealed.

I also think you could make the last two couplets one quatrain. I think that those lines could all go together as far as the overall idea of the piece is concerned.

I hope that those suggestions are helpful. I enjoyed reading this one.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Gorgeous piece, is this about mutual crush, you and someone else didn't acknowledge?

Posted 7 Years Ago


Described well and the story within too, very good for a quick write

Posted 7 Years Ago


A lot of people now a days are trapped within this particular predicament. A very well written and articulate poem. Great work. A riveting write and read. :)

Posted 7 Years Ago


This was a wonderful poem with a full story told. I've only one question: If such an opportunity exists for that potential happiness, why keep discreet when both parties desire to give it a shot? After all, it may prove worth it in the end. Excellent piece of writing Kate, I enjoyed it.

Posted 7 Years Ago


Very nice,GRAIT FLOW!! and loved the word really a grait piece of art :)

Posted 7 Years Ago


It may have been quick, but I like it just as it is. It tells a complete story, and flowed very well!

Posted 7 Years Ago



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Added on July 16, 2013
Last Updated on August 22, 2013

Author

K.
K.

VT



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