Divine Love: The Toughest Love

It all started when Chris Strickland posted a picture on my facebook profile that quoted “Be gentle. You are meeting parts of yourself you have been at war with.” and he asked how my Saturn return is going. This message hit deep and could not have come at a better time! (Which is why I love astrologers; they do this cool stuff, and know when to say things.) For those of you not interested in astrology, pardon the astrological talk for a very brief moment, I will be going somewhere entirely different with this, I promise! It is both my Saturn, and Mars return. I had been feeling like war itself collided into my reality.

That’s enough of the astrology talk for this piece; I am going to tell you a story straight from the Divine! Most of my stories, I speak in metaphors. This story is not a metaphor; this is a true experience. I wanted to tell Chris Strickland of all the good happening in my Life, but all I could think to express was the Hell I have been dwelling in. My psychological, and Spiritual state has not been at its best at all! It has been a struggle to have a desire to even be alive. The following thoughts have crossed my mind for weeks “I want to die. No, I do not want to die; I want to live. I am already dead inside and I just want to Live but I don’t even know how to do that without making myself feel even more dead than I am.”

I actually do have a great deal of good going for me that will benefit my future. I have been taking a lot of online classes and I am doing very well with it. My literature, and poetry (in my personal opinion) is getting better. I am learning a lot of business and entrepreneurial skills. I have opened up to expanding my very small circle, and have been making friends. Despite all of that, I have been continuously creating for myself an internal Hell! I have recently made a few mistakes in life and feel as though I have not only lost my lover, but my personal integrity, and self respect. I was growing to despise myself. I was in the beginning stages of utterly hating Who I am and because of that, I hated being by myself. As I was trying to come up with a way to describe this internal Hell, something jarred my entire Being! It was a Voice that shook my psyche and Spirit! It was a Divine Voice that I have not heard from in a really long time. “With your imagination, and your intellect, why are you choosing to create for yourself Hell?”

I paused and was almost in complete shock. The past few days I had been crying and trying desperately to pray but I felt as though I had forgotten how. It was very hard for me to because I questioned the idea and belief that there was a God, or Higher Power. I had grown so strong, and so supernaturally intelligent that I doubted that a Higher Intelligence (other than aliens), or a Creator of some kind even existed. As time went on, I yearned and longed for the Divine Voice that had always helped me through the years. When I kept that Divine energetic vibration around, I was never alone no matter who was, or was not around. Without this Divine Energy near, I felt alone in this world no matter who was, or who was not around. I found myself longing for love, attention, and words of encouragement all while simultaneously rejecting every drop of it that I could have received. I begged this energy to come back; I wasn’t sure if it would or not. When I was starting to give up all hope, out of no where while trying to explain my internal Hell, there it comes swooping me off coarse, and jarring me with these Words “With your imagination, and your intellect, why are you choosing to create for yourself Hell?”

I looked up in the direction of my ceiling, yet spoke to this unseen energy and said “I have missed you!”

“I have been here. I have remained silent, and I have stayed out of your way. You wanted full reign over your life so I granted it to you. I stepped back and have not assisted you because that is what you wanted. I, too, wanted to see what you were capable of achieving without my help and you have done well. I am proud of you! Most people who have asked for the supernatural knowledge that you have become disillusioned, dysfunctional, and delusional. Even without my help you managed to attune yourself more to reality and the real world; what is going on around you.”

“Not to sound too pessimistic under the circumstances, but I feel as though I am in a dark hole. I have not been okay nor right. You should not be proud of me. I messed up and feel as though I am being punished.”

“I am going to speak in metaphors so that you can better visualize, and grasp what I am telling you. Most humans who I grant the knowledge, and Spiritual gifts to, will be in a hole flat on their face, yet see things as though they’re flying through the stars. You, at least, are fully aware of the fact that you are in a hole.”

“I need you to help me out of here! PLEASE! I messed up! I’m sorry.”

“No. I love you too much to help you up. I know you better than anybody. I made you. I gave you your strength! I gave you your intelligence, and I know that you’re fully capable of picking yourself up! I might help a child up. If you were still a toddler in your spiritual development, I may help you up. I except more from you than this! I did not create you to remain a child your entire life; I created you to be a warrior!”

“I’m not really a warrior. I am just a writer...”

“Before I go any farther, I want you to know that I Love You. I Love You in ways that the human psyche cannot comprehend. Stop feeling unloved, unattractive, unlovable, unwanted and all of those thoughts. Do not even worry what others think of you; I Love You! I made you beautiful. I made you strong. I made you intelligent. I made you a warrior Khandin! Yes, you are a writer. Do you not know that words are the most powerful weapon to have ever existed? Yes, actions do speak louder than spoken words, but the internal words that run through a persons mind are revealed through their actions. Everything begins with words. Your words are a bullet and you should choose them wisely. You should pick lovers, and friends wisely, but if you made such decisions correctly, but cannot choose your words wisely, you will destroy your loved ones, but, if you could choose your words wisely, you can create, with their permission, a healthy lover and friendship out of someone who may not have originally been good for you. I say ‘with their permission’ because it takes willingness on the other individuals’ end as well. You can’t have complete control over these things. A man-made weapon is going to sit there, and unless an accident occurs, it will do nothing. It takes words entering into a human’s psyche to motivate him/her to use the weapon in order for the man made weapon to do anything. You are a writer, and you are a fighter with or without me because that is who I created you to be. You are a warrior with or without me. Even that being said, you’re a much greater weapon as long as you hear my words clearly. I am not putting You down because you are my dna so pick you head up so that you can hear me clearly; I Am The Word that Creates all of Existence with my sound alone. Your words are as cannons without me, but greater than atomic bombs when you hear and use my words. Words have been, and always will be the greatest of weapons. You are a writer, and that makes you full of spiritual and supernatural ammunition! If you were in ancient times, your sword would be bigger than you are. Do you hear what I am telling you? Who You Are Is bigger than your physical body. You carry with you Divine weapons and that makes you a warrior! Whether you act as one is completely and strictly up to you. You do not have to fight if you do not wish to fight, but you are a warrior and I Love You. I Love You too much to pick you up. I am not angry with you, and I am not punishing you for anything! I gave you full reign over your reality; I wanted to see, and I wanted you to see how strong and how intelligent You are. I Love the fact that you’re a rebel! I love that fact that you question everything and do not do things simply because you’re told to. In a world full of darkness, where every religious text and spiritual belief is constantly being used to trick people into fighting each other, I have little use for those who do things simply because they’re told. I Love that you prefer to figure things out for yourself. I Love that you would rather be independent than to bow. I Love the fact that you always want to know “why”. It gives you a great deal of understanding. I Love that you will never be my willing slave. I know that if you do something for me it is because you want to and I do not have to worry about you being a slave to anything else either. I Love the fact that you are on this never ending search for Truth and Answers; you will study any and everything in an attempt to figure out for yourself what is, and what is not true. In a world where my words are constantly being twisted, you are more use to me than many. I even Love the fact that you questioned my existence after all I have done for you. Do you know why? You are now more aware of my existence than you ever were! You are more aware of my existence and reality than those who speak of me constantly yet do not even know me. They know religious texts but they do not know me through my energetic vibrations; they do not know what is and what is not my voice. You do. I am glad that you questioned and doubted my existence. I am glad that you do not take anybody’s word for it, that is something I love about you. I Created You. I made You You, and I Love You!!

Do not ever belief that I would take something away from you as some form of punishment! That is blasphemy! You asked me for a great deal of strength, and I granted it to you. You asked me for a great deal of knowledge on many things, and I granted it to you. I know what you’re capable of. You can use those gifts as you wish. I did not give you rules and guidelines on what to do and what not to do with the gifts I granted you with. You had full/complete/total control over what you were doing the entire time. Metaphorically speaking, you went on a walk. You came across many warning signs that you seen and have the intelligence to fully comprehend, you acknowledged them, and then you proceeded to willingly, and clumsily plummet your own self into a hole. I did not, and would not place you there to punish you. That is absurd. You walked yourself into the hole. Because of the harsh fall, you now have very deeply embedded wounds. Before you ask, no, I am not going to heal you either. Do you know why that is? Remember back years ago, when we were close, you seen me as a Creator, Healer, Protector, Comforter, Teacher, etc. You wanted to be exactly like me. One day, you were sick and during those days you wanted to be so much like me that you wanted to be a healer. You wanted to learn how to heal yourself, and other people. Most people do not ask me for such knowledge, but you did. Most ask me to heal them, but you, you asked me to teach you how to heal. Not only did you specifically ask me for that Divine knowledge, but you then passed the necessary trials and tests in order for me to bless you with that knowledge. You were relentless in your pursuit! You even went to the extreme of researching and practicing numerous different types of healing methods to see for yourself what does and does not work for you studying chakras, healing stones, faith healing, healing herbs, researching shamans of numerous cultures, astrology, quantum science, etc, etc, etc. Khandin! You were good at healing people! Later, you used the knowledge to hurt somebody. For a while, you maintained your healing abilities. Though you grew guilty, you felt undeserving of the gift to heal, so you eventually stopped practicing. Emotional wounds developed within your subconscious mind so you proceeded to use knowledge I blessed you with to cause harm. Your ability to heal yourself and others weakened. The only muscle you practiced was your newly found ability to hurt people, so you managed to develop that skill with mastery. I did NOT take your healing abilities away to punish you for causing harm! Do not think that for split second! Because You decided that you were unworthy, you stopped healing! I had nothing to do with that. In fact, I wanted you to cling on to your healing abilities so that you could heal yourself from your own guilt, if you would have, you would not have continued to hurt people. It gave you some sense of control and you began to grow addicted to a false sense of being insuperable. How insuperable are you now? How insuperable are you in a hole crying out to Me who you wasn’t even sure existed anymore? I am not saying you’re not strong; you’re very strong; I know better than you do just how powerful you truly are! You are not insuperable; you’re not invincible; you’re capable of being broken! You were acting as though some arrogant idiot! It was not even another person who took you down; you willingly decided that you were going to tumble downward right into a hole and beat yourself up in the process. The fearlessness is admirable but the foolishness is not. Consider healing ability, and all other gifts that I give, as though a muscle. What happens to muscles that are not being used? They deteriorate. Body builders loose their muscles if they stop working out. Even man made machinery that has been sitting idle for an extended period of time needs extra maintenance or work to get back up and running to full capacity again. It is just the natural order of things. I am not going to give you a “healing” steroid, you have to work your own muscles to rebuild them if you wish to be healed. It is how things work! I did not take it away from you! If I give something to you, it belongs to you! To take it as though a form of punishment would be theft. I am not a thief and to consider me one is blasphemy! Keeping that in mind, I Love your anger! I am not punishing you for getting angry and then attacking. There is, in fact, an energy that has control over the world and my creations that does attempt to steal from them. I am not the thief in this. I want You to Be All that You Are. This other energy, however, does try to steal from You and make you less than what you are in an attempt to control you. This energy has my people fighting amongst each other instead of against it. Most of my warriors, like you, are fighting the very thing I want them to protect. If you could channel your anger at the energy that is actually trying to steal from You, you would be more than just a warrior, you would be a Divine Lieutenant General. I never claimed to be for one group of people and not the other. I want my warriors to rebel against the norm, stop doing and seeing things in set ways, and fight the controlling energetic force using my creations as their slaves. I want my people, All of Everyone I Created to Be All that I Created them to Be. It is not “light” against “dark”; that is a natural order to things; one cannot exist without the other. It is not one religion against another; I do not care what who calls me. I answer to energetic vibrations that call out to me through Spirit and know me by my energy, not name, I have many. It is either going to be freedom for all or slavery for all. Look around, it’s where humanity is headed if this ignorance continues! THE BAD PART IS, IS THE PEOPLE WHO CLAIM TO KNOW ME THE MOST ARE EITHER COMPLETE SLAVES AND PUSH OVERS OR FIGHTING WHAT I ASKED THEM TO HELP ME SET FREE!! I WANT MY PEOPLE FREE!! They cannot be all that they are in a state of slavery. They cannot learn for themselves and comprehend things to full potential if they’re not permitted to learn from experience. So, No, NO Khandin, I will not pick you up!

You’re not a toddler in your Spiritual walk. I did not create you to be “my child” throughout your entire life. You are one of my warriors. If you want to get up off of the floor, work the spiritual muscles that I have seen you use time and time again, and pick yourself up! If you want to be healed, heal yourself! If you want out of the hole you’re in, then strengthen your Spiritual Muscles and CLIMB out of it. If you accidentally fall or slip in the process of climbing back up, know that you’re not failing, you’re learning and you’re strengthening Divine Muscles! Know that I have not abandoned you, but am telling you how to obtain the strength that you asked for. Use your Spiritual Muscles, strengthen them. If you grow angry with me, use it as adrenaline to work harder. You can be in the hole if you prefer not work for it. The choice is yours. Remember that there is a war going on. If you’re offered another way out of the hole, it is not from Me so weary of it. If you write this, let it be known that this is directly to you as an individual at this phase of Life and not necessarily intended for all of humanity at all times. My methods vary for numerous different reasons. Khandin, listen carefully, know what energy is trying to strengthen you to be All that You Are, and what energy is giving you a free ticket out which will lead to you becoming spiritually and supernaturally crippled and paralyzed... Choose wisely”

Silence for a moment occurred.

“Where did you go? Tell me more!”

“I know you Khandin. I can feel your every thought. You have a desire to write so I became silent so that you can write. If you use this time of silence to write, then that is what you do, if not, that is up to you as well. That choice is yours also.”

“Thank You! I Love You!”

“I Love You more.”

That was my conversation with the Divine today... Wow. Not much more to be said at this moment...