Bedtime Stories for Little Nihilists

This children's story presents an alternative to the standard, platitudinous drivel. Real advice for real children.

Want a better life? Too bad, life is meaningless. (A nihilist’s guide to life).

  

 

1.     Accept meaninglessness

 

If you ever reflect deeply on the meaning of your life, you will find that it’s cosmically insignificant, and that the natural world is indifferent to your interests and survival. Come to terms with that. The sooner you accept the fact that we’re all living lives of quiet desperation, the better.

 

 

2.     Laugh at the absurd

 

Throughout your life, you will find that bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. Not just occasionally but systematically. That’s because we live in a capitalist, neocolonialist rape culture that rewards the worst members of society. If you want to survive, you have to accept the absurdity of life. Be like Seth Myers. Find humour in the banality of evil.

 

 

3.     Don’t pretend you love the rat race

 

A philosopher named Albert Camus once said that we are all like Sisyphus, a man condemned to push a boulder up a hill over and over for all time. In spite of Sisyphus’ tragic situation, Camus says that he can find happiness and affirm that “all is well.” Nowadays, people work in pointless jobs created for no other reason than to keep the capitalist engine running, and they don’t get paid enough to live. Don’t believe Camus’ propaganda. Capitalism sucks the joy out of life.

 

4.     Christianity is crack

 

Some religious faiths offer hope in the face of despair. They might tell you that an omniscient, omnipotent, omnibenevolent (white male) god is looking after you. This an obvious lie. The aforementioned god’s three core attributes are incompatible with the (undeniable) existence of evil in the world, not to mention that white masculinity is incompatible with benevolence - a stereotypically feminine trait. If there were a loving god, she would obviously be a black woman. To paraphrase a wise philosopher, Christianity is the opium of the American people.

 

5.    Relationships

 

When you get older, you might find that you have trouble relating to people - or not. Whether you can form healthy relationships depends primarily on your attachment style, which emerges in early childhood. If you didn’t bond well with your parents, you will probably have an insecure (anxious or avoidant) attachment style. However, there’s some degree of flexibility in your attachment style, which can be modified by your adult relationships. So, don’t date any a******s.

 

6.     Don’t be ignorant

 

If you are male, white, rich, cisgender, or American, you are privileged. Be aware of that. Even if life is pointless, some people’s pointless lives are more miserable than others, and that might be your fault. If you are privileged, you will probably oppress other people. You might live in an expensive school district that concentrates resources amongst the wealthy; you might have racially non-diverse friends and colleagues; you might own a car and contribute to climate change. If you are privileged, you are probably a pretty bad person. Don’tbe in denial about that.

 

7.     Be kind to non-human animals

 

If human beings have a defining characteristic, it is being the most violent species ever to have existed. Our existence is a blight on the planet. Things would be better if we had never been. Every day we perpetrate a genocide on millions of non-human animals, who are literally tortured in factory farms. Don’t buy meat from factory farms. Respect our evolutionary ancestors.

 

8.     Prepare for a dystopian future

 

Have you ever read “The Parable of the Sower” by Ovatavia Butler? It’s about a post-apocalyptic America destroyed by climate change and fascism. Your future is going to be a lot like that. Baby Boomers destroyed the planet and there’s currently no chance of avoiding catastrophic climate change. Generation Y is the first generation to be worse off than their parents. It’s all downhill from here. If you’re young, you are basically fucked. Brace yourself for a bumpy ride.

 

9.     Don’t be a “corporate feminist”

 

You may have noticed that “feminism” is in fashion now. A lot of corporations are appropriating feminism as a marketing strategy. Business-women are saying that we should “lean in” to our hectic work schedules. This is “corporate feminism,” the cynical use of feminist messaging to promote neoliberal economics. “Corporate feminists” aren’t real feminists because feminism is about dismantling hierarchies of power and oppression, including capitalist markets that exploit the poor.

 

10.  Adopt a cat

 

In this meaningless life, your only consolation might be a cat. Cats are adorable and they carry a parasite called toxoplasma gondii, which makes humans love them (and might cause schizophrenia - still worth it). You may find life easier with a cat. However, there are some rules about how to handle a cat to ensure a healthy relationship. (1) Don’t hold cats if they don’t want to be held. Human beings don’t respect others’ autonomy because we live in a capitalist, neocolonial, rape culture that breeds self-entitlement and egoism. Respect your cat’s autonomy. (2) Don’t decalw your cat. Declawing is torture. (3) Don’t let your cat outside. Cats are almost as genocidal as humans and decimate local ecosystems. (4) Give your cat treats. Cats love that.

 

Conclusion

 

Now that you’ve read the 10 nihilist rules for life, you’re ready to live a healthy, pointless, non-exploitative nihilist existence. As a nihilist, you will rarely be disappointed, as you will never expect things to go well. You will also be more attuned than other people to the nature of reality and the existence of systemic oppression and injustice. You will be a decent person. 

 

Good luck on your journey!