Left In The Dust Of Murder

Wrote it durring english class last year, theme was supposed to be betrayal.

They stare, accusing, blaming;

shouting what have you done.

I cry, I plead

and lay down the gun.

The fingers point

the glares press on,

converging into one,

all their mercy gone.

They repulse

as if my skin rots of lupus.

But it was you, not I,

who played the role of Judas.

You pulled the trigger.

You spun the card.

While I stood by,

A murderers guard.

Yet here and now

on judgment’s day,

you’ve flown away

reduced to nothing

but a whimpering fey .

Reviews

[Destinyxi]

This is really good. Keep it up :)

[Patricia B. Hepler]

Excellent. pat

[Speak in Silence]

I love everything about this poem, it's amazing

[Chris]

To get a feel for a poem I read it aloud three times. The first time is to get the feel of the tones and voice and to have a clue of how the rhythm and flow runs. The second time is for a sense of the content and any aftertaste the thoughts may give. The last time is for feeling and depth, smoothness and bottlencks - stumbles.

In the end if something sounds wrong or just feels "off" - it most likely is.

The first stanza: smooth and well done.

The second stanza: good til the last line ..."their" really isn't needed - it's fully implied and the added beat stumbles.

Why the third stanza?

The fourth stanza - sweet!

The fifth stanza - broke your line mold and all rhythm and flow. The last two lines should become one and that seriously shortened. You don't even need to change the words, just remove the unnecessary ones.

Take care,
Chris

[Mr. Lou]

Fantastic word play my dear! a small comma check is needed but that aside it was Great! And the rhyme scheme you use, quite the talent you have Ms. Kohleen.

[Kohleen]

why thank you mr.darrell :)