Jump

...Hmm

I realized today that I don't wanna die,

I jumped off this ledge and got ready to fly

I pushed thoughts out my head, there's no time to doubt

I'm doing this now because time is running out

 

I'm ready to jump- to sink or swim,

And ready for my life to finally begin

People, yes, have helped me all along the way

But it is I who let the clean part finally stay

 

I watched myself through his eyes,

He thought I was out to slaughter

I saw myself eaten by flies,

He saw me underwater

 

And now I wonder, was I good as dead

Blue eyes driven to a cold, steely gray

And now I wonder...Good as dead?

Warm as the summer on a cold winters day

 

And so I jumped, to sink or swim

Which, I don't know, because I'm not even in

This isn't a decision, no, it's not a choice

But I figured I'd speak now before I lost my voice.

 

So, I realized today that I'm not gonna die,

I'll jump off this ledge, I guess I'll fly

No more thoughts, no more doubt

I'd do it today, but time ran out.

 

Author's Note

The tense is a little screwy, I realize that. It's kind of...everywhere, but try and think of it in more than a traditional sense.

Reviews

[Sarah]

OKAY, this was one of the greatest things I've read ever. o= Your play on words throughout the poem (ex: "warm as the summer on a cold winters day") were FANTASTIC & such a pleasure to read! I really really loved the third stanza, so morbid and beautiful... looovely~ And, I'm quite sure I could ramble on about how much I love this, but I'll stop. xD And don't worry about tense, I didn't really notice. I have the same problem, anyway, my tense is always everywhere. XD Great job with this! Favorite!

[Michael]

I just wonder why you changed the rhyme scheme. It is not a problem, just wondering why. I would not worry about tense so much, what you did works very well. All in all, this is a very good, strong work.


Nicely done!

[Mr. Lopez]

When I find myself writing in this form , I find that it is easier to get the emotions to my readers without complicating it with tradition. Don't be afraid to leap from the ledge of traditional poetry and feel free to fly by the seat of your pants. I actually enjoyed the free style, verses the rhyme scheme. I often fall into the rhyme trap myself and can feel (in my own writing) when it comes across as forced.Just because it rhymes does not make it a trap. I am trapped when the rhyme feels forced. If I can feel it , so can my readers. The way that you dance in and out of rhyme is refreshing and should be practiced to perfection. The only way to fly is to try. Damn ! There I go again LOL. I hope you know that I always enjoy reading your work. Don't leave me out of your reading requests. %+)
Peace

[Brandon Taylor-Black]

Excellent writing Kitty Kat.
Your use of language and style is as always, marvellous :)
Keep it up :)

Bravo

'D'

[Amanda Naomi]

in poetry there is no such thing as tense...
your poem here is really inspirational and beautiful. i love the idea that you are taking a risk but you couldn't see it any other way....at least thats how i interpreted it...

[Barbara Walker]

The premise of the poem is great and the flow of stanza's 1, 2, 5, and 6 are acceptable or better, but stanza's 3 and 4 confused me. Who is "he"? Was he thinking you were going to slaughter someone else or is slaughter in reference to drowning? If you were underwater, why would you think you were going to be eaten by flies? I don't think "warm as the summer on a cold winter's day" makes any sense. With a little editing, I think this could be a great poem! Barbara