Alone? (Rework #1)

A creature from the abyss terrorizes a young man.

You slip under your blankets and flip off the lamp next to your bed. Darkness envelops the room. Your mind begins to drift into sleep as your head sinks into the feathery softness of your pillow. You feel your muscles relax as exhaustion works its way from your body. First your feet and legs, then your arms and hands. Soon, your limbs feel as if they were never there. Almost, phantom-like.

With your body fully relaxed, a tight silence embraces you. A silence so deep, you can hear your own blood pump rhythmically to the beat of your heart. Finally, your mind calms and sleep draws near. Until, you hear something. A sound that emanates through the silence. A dull, scraping sound that comes from an unknown location in your room.

Your muscles tense up and your body goes stiff. The sound continues for minutes that seem like hours. It stops abruptly and relief floods through you. It was only a tree branch scraping the house. Yeah, a tree branch. You reassure yourself. You go with the thought, though you know it is not true. A tree branch scraping against the house would not explain why it sounded as if it were coming from the room its self. You close your eyes tightly and think of anything possible to get your mind away from the thought.

Moments pass without a single sound. And sleep, once again, feels just at the brink of your mind. Then, you hear it again. That dull, scraping sound. This time it is closer. And now you can detect where it is coming from. To your left, near the door. You can only see blackness. And hope that whatever made the sound is leaving through the supposedly open door. It takes a few moments. But a small amount relief flows over you. Just enough so you can drift off to sleep.

You abruptly wake up to a cold, hard pressure on your ankle. And roll over to read the soft glow of the numbers on the clock. They indicate that almost two hours had passed since you fell asleep. You shift to your back and stare into the pitch darkness. Then, you feel a second pressure push on your calf. Your body goes stiff as the pressure moves along your thigh. Your mind races and your heart nearly thumps out of your chest.

All goes still. The pressure is gone and you are thrown back into complete silence. You try to move your arms and legs but nothing responds. Something is weighing them down, something heavy. The heaviness soon lifts from your limbs and moves to your chest. The breath is nearly stolen from your lungs. You begin to panic and try to scream for help. But your mouth, it seems to be paralyzed just as the rest of your body. You can feel the ghostly vibrations in your throat. But not a single sound emanates from your lips.

To your horror, a pair of glowing, teal orbs emerge from underneath the blanket. The dim light flickering off of them reveals an oval-shaped, leathery face. It vaguely resembles a human face. But no indication of mouth is visible. Just a blank, pupiless stare.

Something moves into the frosty light from above the creature. Some kind of long appendage, like a water hose or tail. The creature turns its head like a curious puppy and examines you over. Its twitchy movements are incredibly discomforting. It draws in close, inches away from from your face.

Your forehead is gently caressed by a pair of bony arms that emerge from the blanket. No digits exist where they should. Just metallic, curved hooks. The creatures extra appendage hovers above your face. Suddenly, it splits apart into four segments revealing rows of gnarled teeth that line pink, fleshy walls. And gooey, thick fluid drips everywhere. The creature glances over you with one final curious glare. Then, its tail jolts towards you without warning.

And everything...goes black...

Author's Note

First rework for this Short Story. Let me know if I've improved and where. Don't forget to rate!

Kyle~

Reviews

[Dean Wax]

The syntax is grating on me a little bit. I feel the flow of this story would greatly benefit from having some variety in length, especially some longer ones. The words are good but the punctuation is interrupting the flow and it is stopping me from getting into it. Perhaps work in some semicolons?

And never be afraid to go on little descriptive tangents here and there with disturbing metaphors or similes even if they don't seem like textbook horror content. The mind makes really weird knee-jerk comparisons when you are afraid and these can be the most effective. Especially for fluids. :D

[Kyle J. Lawson]

Thanks for the points.

[Rachel]

Great story, very creepy. I have a similar story to this one called "Watched". If you have a chance, can you check it out and give a rate/review of some of my short horror stories? Thanks.

[Will Neill]

I think this would work better in the first person, but a good story none the less.
Will