Candid Recycle

draft -- I like the ideas, I don't like the personalization, feel free to edit brutaly!

Standing in a torn dress

wearing my nerves like  tangled fringe,

There’s a tattered slip showing

above my knee,

I’ve got eyes like Mary weeping

for all the misgivings

the ungrateful takings and the uselessness in between

I’m tired of the same

daily chronicles, the meaningless issues

that reveal so much

about ourselves and our existence

with one another

I’ve invested so much more

in so many

so less

Still, I remain, wait, with baited breath,

always apologetic

hoping for redemption

validation or acknowledgment
and sometimes, just anything

I smoke cigarettes like fashion, leaving

the scene in fitful coughing spells

I tremble upon failure,

disguise complacency  with contentment,

I search for direction

in spirit, in mind, in possibilities unexplored

I twist the match and light a fire

I extinguish the thoughts

rest, sleep, and wake again

unsure

what its all been for.

 

Author's Note

draft - please help me edit, I'd like to remove the personalization of the poem

Reviews

[LJW]

I love this. You write with a mission, a purpose, and I gravitate toward that. I also love endings that kick me in the spleen. This did that. Like, yeah, duh, WTF is it all for?

Take away the "I's"
You could rewrite this whole piece without them, maybe using a "we" here and there.
If you want a total rewrite, message me personally.

[LJW]

I am glad I found you here.

I would not change a thing.

The last line socks me in the gut. That's good writing.

[Ed Hart]

remove the personalization? we need to talk...

[John D Phillips]

I'm not sure that personalization is the issue. The perspective, the ownership of the poem gives it depth and voice. A character piece like this can be a very fascinating study when done in the 1st person. I think there is an issue more with the personal pronoun itself. There is a lot of "I this" or "I that" in there, particularly in the beginnings of lines, that could probably benefit from revision. For example: "Tired of the same / daily chronicles..." instead of "I'm tired..."; or "Smoking cigarettes like fashion" instead of "I smoke..."

The line "Still, I remain, wait, with baited breath" seems a little tinny to my ear. I see you struggling to resist the cliched phrase 'wait with bated breath' but even to brush against a cliche sets this line against the originality of the rest of the poem.

The third and fourth stanzas stick out to me as a little imprecise and lacking the strong imagery and emotional resonance of the other stanzas. The information is kind of generalized and abstract, and there's no concrete image or action or turn of voice to tie it to. The fifth stanza kind of does the same thing. Oblique statements like "meaningless issues / that reveal so much / about ourselves", "I've invested so much more", and "hoping for redemption / validation or acknowledgement / and sometimes, just anything" don't reveal anything of the heart and mind and voice of the poem; instead they hide and obscure them. What is this "so much" of? What "meaningless issues"? See if there's a way you can get the speaker of the poem to invoke these ideas and emotions without talking about them, through her actions or the way she records an image.

You do a wonderful job of this in the first stanza and the sixth. I believe that the lines "wearing my nerves like tangled fringe" and "I smoke cigarettes like fashion, leaving / the scene in fitful coughing spells" tell me all I need to know about the speaker's misgivings and weariness of daily ho-hummery. They're great images, with great insight and color.

This is a very good piece, and I too like the ideas, and I love the ending.

[Mark]

It's come 2 this: reading ur wrk on the iPhone LOL. Really like the 2nd part. First stanza or 2 seems to be a scene played out.

[Legion]

I don't really know if it actually needs editing. I thought it was impressive as it is (personalization or not). What is wrong with the personalization? I found it more human that way. Reality is what it is. I feel it is a good write. Woudn't change a thing.