Barney Mansfield

Hi Jon.
You've personified barney the dinosaur into Barney Rubble. Your first person is very appropriate, giving the perspective of a cabbie in the Big Apple from the ground up, and his views from the driver's seat to the inherant calculator justifies his sour attitude to the class (reccomend 'classy') guy and the moronic, fellow drivers. By describing Barney's 'pissy' apartment building and using preconceived exact numbers, this fellow earns depth of character, likeableness, and attracts interest in what he has to say other than how long it takes to get from point A to C in precise minutes and seconds. The 'Oppurtunity' sets the stage for so much more, and you are now obligated to soil your hands in the tedious labor of continuing your tale, granting the dinosaur rise from the oily ashes to overcome the mundane existance of NYC.
I'm not going to gripe about spelling or punctuation, that's redundant for your work. You have a great beginninng here, my friend. And please, don't appologize for jack-s**t; well, maybe for the pathetic characters to come that Barney will analize like the numbers he crunches in calculating the time for the journey through the big city.
Keep it up! BZ

Posted 15 Years Ago

Hey, this was really well written, you do a great job of keeping the reader attentive and the character Barney is so well created and believable as a complex, cynical man. I loved the underlying dark humour in this to.
Really ambitious write that you have the skill and vision to pull off, i'm sure a cabbie or two could relate.

Great write!

Posted 15 Years Ago

Thanks, as a read it held my attention to the last REAL word. Harsh?Gimme a break!

Posted 15 Years Ago

Hey I really appreciated this !

Mix between Taxi driver and Stuey Ungar playing Gin :P

On a serious note, I would suggest finding synonyms of ''class''.

Other than that, I really thought it was well written. Whenever I can actually ''see'' the setting means that you have done a great deal of hard work. I also like the fact that someone somewhere acquired skills due to routine.
Great job, I'm looking forward to the nexxtep

Posted 15 Years Ago

Your write very well in the first person. This story was excellent! I enjoyed it immensely. Are you going to continue it? Because it sounds interesting and you could definitely extend it if you wanted to. Anyways good story!

Jared

Posted 15 Years Ago

Great story! Makes me want to read more! Too bad this is all you have for now...assuming you will be adding more? Excellent! Keep up the outstanding work, my friend! : >)

Posted 15 Years Ago

hahahahahahahhahahhahaha that was so funny hahahahhahaha
very very interesting for sure !!!!!!!
hilarious hahahahahhahahahahaha :) :D

Posted 15 Years Ago

So Jon, as I said, I was going to love it and I DO! A lot! love love love! Love you too!
Okay so Barney is the cutest thing ever, and you have mad description abilities. Jesus you're a good writer. fhdlshflksdh I love it! Can't believe you didn't believe me before!!!!
The vocabulary too! Haha, awesome I must say. You've even got all the slangs in there!

'This guy was maybe about forty-two, maybe forty-three, and he gets in my cab smelling all dapper with a skirt no older than nineteen'

I didn't even know you could talk like that! ahaha awesome!!!!!!!

loveeeee,
Kriss

Posted 15 Years Ago

Hi Jon.
You've personified barney the dinosaur into Barney Rubble. Your first person is very appropriate, giving the perspective of a cabbie in the Big Apple from the ground up, and his views from the driver's seat to the inherant calculator justifies his sour attitude to the class (reccomend 'classy') guy and the moronic, fellow drivers. By describing Barney's 'pissy' apartment building and using preconceived exact numbers, this fellow earns depth of character, likeableness, and attracts interest in what he has to say other than how long it takes to get from point A to C in precise minutes and seconds. The 'Oppurtunity' sets the stage for so much more, and you are now obligated to soil your hands in the tedious labor of continuing your tale, granting the dinosaur rise from the oily ashes to overcome the mundane existance of NYC.
I'm not going to gripe about spelling or punctuation, that's redundant for your work. You have a great beginninng here, my friend. And please, don't appologize for jack-s**t; well, maybe for the pathetic characters to come that Barney will analize like the numbers he crunches in calculating the time for the journey through the big city.
Keep it up! BZ

Posted 15 Years Ago

I thought it was fabulous. If it was in an anthology it would be a favorite. I do not know about the dynamics of writing stories as I have only a few classes under my belt. However, I know what I like. I like this very much. I agree with the mind reading comment from the other review. Perhaps describing facial expressions then commenting on what they are probably thinking will resolve that and reduce the arrogance of the charactor that is smart yet humble though aloof. the beginning when you show his high intelligence does a good job of reducing the sense of melodrama at his potential turn of events at the end. An unaverage joe, not able to access his full potential, or more likely unwilling to put up with people to much to achieve it is tired of the life...he is ready. Great write. Thanks for sharing, Barb

Posted 15 Years Ago

Jon,

Good start on a story here. It does need tightened up a bit. I seen a couple of Gram errors....nothing major that spellcheck can't fix. Something exciting has got to happen Barney eventually though. I like your character building, but so far there's only one character of note. I like the first person....be careful that you don't tell what other characters are thinking...can't get away with that in first person.

Good Ink. You held my attention all the way thru...that's all it has to do. I want something of substance to the story though.....not just a prose poem. Keep going.

Thanks for sharing,

Markymark

Posted 15 Years Ago