Limbo

When I get upset I tend to write poems, most of which turn out very poorly but what can I say. This is one of many.

Searchin for a hint, a glimpse of happiness
But I was broke, a joke, I had to settle for less
But in that scant amount I learned what it really is,
I learned a lotta things, but never made any bliss
I don't even know if it's still possible now,
And if I ever thought I knew, would I have known if I'd found
it?

I don't know what they're thinkin,
I thought I knew before
But now I know that I don't know
No certainty anymore
I don't know what I'm thinkin too
So we're all just the same
And when you close your eyes
You kinda cry
Cuz nobody's to blame...

I've seen the run down vehicles
Their stiff, immobile tires
And then I wondered
If they smiled before they got so tired,
But then you know
It just ain't so,
there's nothing much to say,
Cuz in the end it's always grand
To finally see their faces
To run and to go places
In places where pain don't exist
But we spill those tears
Cuz all those years,
Can't relive empty spaces.

We're all trudgin through deep dazzling drift
And some enjoy the view,
Cuz where you're going ain't all important
Just keep walking through and through
But to me you see
It ain't easy,
It's harder when you ask why
And although clouds are beautiful they sometimes choke the sky...

It all slips by like sand in your fingers
Grasp so tight to make it linger
Lookin back now, it's like a million years
I don't love the same way
I don't fear the same fears
But what I do fear is forgetting how to love
It's like I've gone numb
But it's fear of succumbing
Don't want to feel like I'm falling,
I've taped it up tightly
I still remember so clearly
For by night I'd have nightly
Terrors and scares
We traversed and we dared
But now I don't dare,
In lax dread, I beware
I ask why, why do I
With a piercing hard stare
It's because I do care
But I don't want to care,
Not anymore,
No, not anymore.

It seems I've aged in the time I've been
Devolving just the same,
But now it's gone
Rewinding's done
Now full speed ahead again
It's this still feeling
Only move with breathing
Life in its textbook sense
But am I living
Breathing
Giving
When to know
When to stop
When's it end.

What's the limit
The definition

If I can
Start to cry
If I can
Up and fly
Or am I
Here to lie
But the push is
It's pushing
To never
Really
Die.

Author's Note

Much of this, if not all, will be very hard to understand as it references my personal life and is in many places metaphorical. Feel free, though, to ask what a stanza would mean. Also, the flow is bad, as there isn't a clear pattern of rhyme, but I wrote it when I was upset and not focusing on the aesthetics of it, and I don't intend to modify it. It captures for me what I wanted it to capture.