Down the Hall

Floating past my door
I watched you cross the floor
Pine creaking
Hair streaking
My heart can beat no faster
Fingertips on plaster
Feeling the imperfections
On the wall
Seeing the imperfections
In my soul
I feel it

Don't turn away
Don't turn around
I can't decide
What I want
You come closer
I want what's not begun
To be over
What will never flourish
Shouldn't be alive
I feel your soul
Searching mine

Nothing will escape your lips
Yet again
Nothing will keep your apparition
By my side
Floating past my door
I watch you turn away
Floating past my door
My heart wants to betray
Leave my body
Follow your gaze
Follow your lovely, lovely eyes
I stay
And watch you float away

Reviews

[Trigorin]

Fairly good - the short lines you use adds to its power, I think, instead of decreasing it. The title is also descriptive but somewhat gimmicky, and personally, I don't feel as though it really reflects the work as a whole and, especially, how you feel about the work.
Still, there's something very pining in this poem which makes it sad to read. Your imagery evokes a distinctive sense of loss. I feel sometimes that it's easier to write depressing things than happy things, but you make it work for you. It's certainly not bad, and I think that you might just need to go over it again a few more times before you really find what it means to you. Well done.

[LefthandWrite]

First off, thanks so much for critiquing the title! I actually never title my poetry so when I joined this site today I just slapped it on. So you're absolutely right! I was trying to capture something about the unattainable...I would probably change it to The Unattainable Apparation maybe...? Not sure...
As for the topic, I really don't write anything besides the depressing, even if it's not how I feel! This is why I stopped writing last year...I went on binges of depressing poems...which afterwards left me feeling distraught...haha

[Emily B]

you have a tremendous voice, i mean that truly

you have some growing yet to do, but based on this i would be glad to read more of you

[Michael]

This is fantastic. I love the style and the way it reads. Well done :)

[LefthandWrite]

Thanks so much! I really didnt think it was that good when I wrote it :p

[Holly Mason]

absolutely love the title
got it the whole way
thank you for sharing

[LefthandWrite]

Thank you :)

[LefthandWrite]

This is such a honest, write, and I do admire that, deeply.
You have the visions, to oversee a whole situation, and manage it.
Your first stanza put's this cleary out for me.
You floating in the middle of this write, as even in the middle
of your mixed feelings, is brilliantly expressed.
To see your spirit, outside of your body, is art... ;-)
(not in a dying manner, but more meditating. If you can or are able
to reach that, you shall know yourself profoundly. This was a beautiful
Intelligent write, and I can't go on for hours, to talk about this,
but then the review would be out of my body ha!
Fantastic stuff. Thanks for sharing,

- Elisa

[LefthandWrite]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate the feedback :) My work pales in comparison to what I've read of yours, though! This is my first day back to writing in a year...so your compliment is deeply appreciated!

Aw really? wow... well, I subscribed to you, as I instantly felt a good match of equality... ;D So glad you found me, and I can read your works of art :)

[LefthandWrite]

Wow thanks! I'm still getting to know my way around the site, and it makes it harder being on my iPhone (wish they had a mobile version!), but I will be subscribing to you as well!

Yes, same problem I have on my android.... I wished for that too, maybe they will in the future ;-) let's hope. Thanks for being around... :) I like equals