Death Sentence

A really quick story just about a man who has a really, really bad job. this really bad story is for a friend.

Trudging through the obscenities that was below me, i was thinking if i were ever to get to my destination. My objective was to find and eliminate the 'traitor' that was trading money for safety. I had no idea why someone would want to come all the way out here, except for the privacy of course.

Never again would i take a job like this, someone else can manage the malevolent war criminals. I was thinking all of this without a thought of what i was actually doing; a so called talent of mine called 'zoning out'. However to me it was more of a curse.

The mud, water and stones had turned into gravel and tarmac, the clouds had turned into glacial blue sky and my boots had become worn. I sudden feel the burden of having muscle and collapse into a heap on the side of the road. I see a man’s' shadow on the pavement beside me. A man? I suddenly whip my head up so fast it could give a man whiplash, and to my surprise it was the man I was sent out to kill. I only had time to examine the barrel of the gun before the screen before my eyes became dark and lonely, and only then did I realise that my curse was more than a curse… it was a death sentence.

Author's Note

First thing i've ever done on here, so please crit to the most :)

Reviews

[SonOfPlunder]

Not bad for your first piece, has potential to develop into something more. My advice though, i would make a few changes:

Trudging through the obscenities that was below me, i think if i were to get to my destination"

Try this instead: Trudging through the obscenities that were below me, i wondered if i would ever get to my destination.

Change of to for in the first section, glacial doesn't seem right, try clear instead. Change feel to felt, muscle to muscles and say instead "I wanted to collapse into a heap at the side of the road"

Don't mean to butcher your piece, just trying to help. Interesting though, i look forward to seeing more of this and where it leads...

[Aptitudex]

Thanks for the advice, however i meant it to be in present tense, so hence why i put feel instead of felt etc. :)

[KittyVenus]

thats accually really good for a guy without dreadlocks... and you. where is your destination? is your best talent zoning out? cool for a first write... WRITE MORE!!!

[Aptitudex]

you're too kind! xD

[KittyVenus]

yep...maybe...

[KittyVenus]

TRA-LA TRA-LA TRA-LA TRA-LA TRA-LA TRA-LA TRA-LA TRA-LA! for no reason in particular...

[Aptitudex]

tra-la-la to you too

[KittyVenus]

no its: TRa-LA-LA-LA-LA...ect LA