But, I DigressA Story by temperanceBased on my inner characterI find that I am often the source
of my own obstacles. The way I am, and the actions I take (or don’t), are
detrimental to my existence. For
instance, I never finish what I write. I fear that I might reveal more about
myself than I wish others to know. It’s a fear I am incapable of explaining. A
paucity of rationality. It is foolish, and complicated. Maybe I could blame a
lack of temerity in my writing abilities, but it feels to be more than my
insecurities spilling out onto paper; or not spilling. It scares me to think
how much non-fiction is in a fictional story.
“Writers reveal more about themselves in their writing than they do
their characters”. Crime television taught me that. If I were to finish a story, and write a
perfect ending, it would be erased immediately. The ending I write could be the
one key to unlock my true desires that should only be known by the electrical
boards in my computer and my-self. My files are filled with stories with no
endings and sentences interrupted by nothing; like “That never"“, or “She would
dream"“. I wish I could call it “symbolic” or “dramatic effect”, but this is a
different intention. Perhaps it is a peculiar trepidation, but does it really
differ from a fear of commitment or love? Fear is one of the many things that
stop me from living a full life. Sometimes I just feel like leaping
off the top of building just to know the feeling of taking a chance. I have
always been cautious; never being secure of my decisions, even if it seems to
be the opposite. I am ashamed. Some of us have a quality that lets us act in an
instant; not using our brains to make things happen in seconds. I am not one
who has this ability. I thought playing it safe would always be easy, and
painless. But the latter, (I’m just realizing), is completely wrong. It’s a
different pain. You lose friendships, relationships, and loved ones. You lose
memories that could have been made, or happiness that could have been gained. I
guess I could blame my trepidations, and I guess I am. But what is saddening is
that, in this scenario, you can’t blame your friend or parents; there is only
yourself. That, (to me), is the worst part. Knowing that it is all of my fault,
and no one else’s. It’s also the idea that I am missing so much, and I can’t do
anything about it. Sometimes I don’t mind me being reserved, its apart of who I
am! But extroverts, they don’t know the pain of watching opportunities go
unused because you are afraid. Truth be told, I have yet to
overcome my obstacles. They will always be here with me. But, why I chose to
write about this particular issue instead of one I had already resolved is
because I know I need work. I know I can find a resolution to my fears, and I
want everyone to know that I am trying, and pushing to be the better me.
Finding your specific faults is easy, but solving them can take a lifetime, and
I am ready to start repairing myself, like an old Mustang. I admire
people who are able to maintain a life of secrecy and mysteriousness. I have an
admiration for Salinger and his ability to become a hermit; so recluse.
Avoiding the everyday annoyances of people picking and prodding at you for
information you don’t wish to share. Even though I admire him, maybe I fear I
will become him. To not branch out in school, or to not meet new people. Maybe
I fear" © 2015 temperance |
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Added on October 12, 2015 Last Updated on October 12, 2015 Author
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